Dos Minutos

Heat 105 Pacers 90

2012-02-14T20:54:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) This game was over early in the second quarter when KJ James posted up twice in a row at the elbow and found Shane Battier for back-to-back hoops: the first when Battier came up off a staggered screen and hit an open 15 footer; the second when Indiana overplayed the same set, Battier slipped backdoor, and KJ hit him in stride with a fastball for a layup. On the ensuing Pacers possession, KJ swooped into the paint to steal an entry pass, pushed it up court at approximately 90 miles an hour, and found Mike Mil-lar all alone for a wing triple: 40-20 Miami, timeout Indiana, game over. To win three games in a row, on three consecutive nights, against three pretty good teams (and Indiana had two days rest before this one), and they are all blow outs? Happy Valentines Day, Coach Spo - this was the woman of your dreams! Or dude, by the way. Either way is fine!

2) KJ James didn't even look tired. If anything, he looked raring to go - on the first few defensive possessions of the game he got down lowww into his defensive stance, and he stayed there all game long. He was flying all over the court on the defensive end, denying entry passes, jamming cutters, jumping in front of passes like a free safety: he had 13 points, 6 rebounds, 6 assists, and 3 steals in the first half, and Miami led 68-39 at the break. He dominated this game in every way a game can be dominated on both ends. Dwyane Wade (again had to play only 24 minutes!) had a fairly spectacular first half himself, 16 points on 6-8 (Wade's three first half point totals on the b-t-b-t-b: 21, 16, 16!), but you barely even noticed him. It's not possible to play every game with as much intensity and focus as KJ did tonight - Michael Jordan couldn't; Magic Johnson couldn't...ahhh, maybe - maybe - Jon Barry could, but he's the only one, he's the only guy who could do that. You just hope that KJ is going to be able to play at this level consistently when it matters most - if he does, no one is going to beat this team, not four out of seven times. There are probably only two questions left in Miami's season, actually: one, how healthy will they be at playoff time? Other teams' health won't matter if Miami is healthy. Two: will KJ play this well consistently in the biggest of games. Last playoffs, sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't. To win for sure, he has to be a little more consistent with that.

3) The stats won't really show it, not really, but Joel Anthony was also everywhere on the defensive end tonight. He took a guy a good five or six inches taller than him, Roy Hibbert (Ribbert), and took him away from Indiana: 5-12 for 10 points. He helped hold David West to a 4-10. He contested innumerable shots at the rim, finishing with two blocks (and several alters). He grabbed 5 boards in 28 minutes, but more importantly, held Ribbert to 5. He also drew a charge when Dahntay Jones careened down the lane out of control, elevated, and hit a perfectly positioned Joel knee-to-upper chest. On offense, he caught the ball effectively around the rim, flipped in both shots he took, and made 3-4 free throws for 7 points. I love you, Butter. Happy Valentines Day to you, too!

4) Shane Battier's shot is coming around. He was 3-3 tonight for 8 points, and also had 4 rebounds, 2 steals and a block in 23 productive minutes. He is sort of learning where his opportunities can come from when playing with KJ James, especially, and Coach Spo pointed out after the game that since Dwyane has come back healthy and become acclimated to the new post-up heavy offense, the ball movement has improved dramatically, and that Battier, along with Mil-lar and Chalmers, can benefit greatly from this...Also, did Shane Battier recognize that the Heat had a foul to give on the last Pacers possession of the third quarter, under ten seconds to go, with the Heat leading by 34 points, and then give that foul? Of course he did - he's Shane Battier! Why wouldn't he?

5) For the third straight night, Eric Reid and Tony Fiorentino had a lottt of time to fill, because none of the three games were even remotely competitive after halftime. I have to be honest with you, I don't have any idea what the heck they talked about for most of the fourth quarter - I was monitoring Pacers backup forward, hatchet-man Jeff Foster, praying he didn't intentionally injure anyone on Miami (he tried). At one point, I am pretty sure they spent like five minutes talking about former Miami fringe-y backup forward Mark Strickland, who, if I remember correctly, last played for the Heat sometime in the late eighteenth century. Strickland, who was an athletic, bouncy power forward with absolutely no discernible basketball skills whatsoever, also had the misfortune of being the beneficiary of one of the worst Eric-and-Tony-bestowed nicknames in Heat annals, The Pogo Man, probably surpassed only in sheer dorkiness by the time that they incorrectly judged that a professional basketball player, or in this case, Yahkouba Diawara, would like the nickname, Rainbow Man, after his high-arcing, but generally inaccurate, jumper (Casa Dos nickname for Diawara: Thunder Yak, after Dan Majerle, whom Eric and Tony often bizarely compared him to. Greatest similarity? Both human.) Eric mentioned that Strickland still lives in South Florida. "I always enjoy running into him, and every other former Heat player," Eric advised Tony, "except for Ricky Davis!"

6) Okay, okay, okay, I know you want to know what life is like in Casa Dos on Valentines Day. I actually have a nice little evening planned. First, I watch the Heat game, then I write this stupid blog as fast as I can. Then, I eat some cold fried chicken, and drink a glass of inexpensive port (I can only afford domestic). Next, when I have a little buzz on, I am going to watch this Alex Morgan in bodypaint video - yes, Alex Morgan in bodypaint!!! - a few dozen times, then I'm going to crawl into bed, poke at M.Minutos unsuccessfully for a few minutes, then come back out into the kitchen to eat the last of the girl scout cookies: thin mints! Then bed, for some rest, so I can get up and do it all again tomorrow. Man, the life of a blogging nerd!!! So sweet!!!

---
Two days off! Back Friday for a game in Cleveland. If you need me before then, I think you know where I will be. Alex Morgan. Bodypaint. You know.
-----

Heat 114 Bucks 96

2012-02-13T21:08:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) You are in the middle game of a back-to-back-to-back, all on the road, in the cold, against a team off the night before, and you have already lost twice to them. The other team is over-physical, and loves nothing better to grind you, frustrate you, and fling wild triples into the basket at the offensive end. Then you immediately get down 8, because they beat you to a bunch of early loose balls. It is an easy game to give up, to say, "ahhh, whatever," and let it go. But on this night, KJ James and Dwyane Wade decided to grind themselves. And that consisted of them taking turns going to the post over and over. And over. And over. And scoring, and scoring, and scoring, until they had blown the Milwaukee Bucks out, rendered the fourth quarter meaningless for the second straight night, and received extra minutes of rest for the starters. Now Miami goes to Indiana tomorrow for the culmination of the "Cities We Would Never Want to Live In" tour, and has the opportunity to become the first NBA team this season to win three straight, on consecutive nights, on the road, a feat tempered in magnitude somewhat by the fact that most teams get at least one home game in their back-to-back-to-backs. Commissioner David Stern: still trying to give my dad, Pat Riley, the ten-foot pole!

2) Minutes. KJ James: 33. A ridiculous 16-21 from the floor for 35 points, and 8 rebounds. Everything was either a dunk, or a postup. He posted Ilyasova; he posted Delfino; he posted Mbah a Moute; he posted Steven Jackson; he posted everyone, and scored on all of them. That was dominant. Dwyane Wade: after 24 last night, a measured 28 tonight. 8-14 from the floor for 22 points, with 5 boards and 4 assists. Also scored repeatedly from the block, shooting turnarounds over his right shoulder, and little floaters over his left. He wasn't quite as dominant as KJ, but he was the second best player on the court by a mile. Bosh: 30. Chalmers: 22. Rest. To have any chance tomorrow night, rest was important.

3) You know what happens when KJ James and Dwyane Wade are posting over and over, scoring over and over? I mean, what happens on the possessions when they don't just score themselves? Open shooters. Mike Mil-lar: 3-4 triples. He's still over 50% on the season. He also grabbed 8 rebounds in 23 minutes. Emcee Chalmers: 3-4 triples. Chalmers has the highest true shooting percentage - essentially, aggregate points scored per shot - of any guard in the league! And the Heat dropped 114 on a good defensive team, in a fairly slow-paced game. That's absurd. Especially on the second night of a back-to-back.

4) Bucks wing Stephen Jackson, a notorious wack-a-doo, had a typically uneven night. He was 3-9 in 17 minutes, and spent much of his time getting scored on in the post by KJ James or Dwyane Wade, and what little time he wasn't doing that, arguing with the officials. Heat play-by-player Eric Reid lamented that Jackson, "hasn't learned any lessons in his twelve seasons in the league." Annnnd, that's where you're wrong, Eric Reid. I'm just taking a wild guess, but I feel pretty confident that Stephen Jackson altogether rejects your notion of his being a student in need of a "lesson," and would probably claim you need a lesson in "being Stephen Jackson." It's like when the white man came to America and tried to force Christianity on the natives - it's a conceit that presupposes that the native Americans have any idea what you are talking about whatsoever. Same's pretty much true with Stephen Jackson. This is what he's got, E. Reid. You're either with him, or against him.

5) A few minutes later, during the midst of a long, blowout-y fourth quarter, Eric enlightened Heat fans on a particular quirk of his broadcasting partner, Tony Fiorentino: every time they get to a hotel on the road, no matter how late at night, Tony picks out his shirt for the next game, gets out the iron board, and has at it. "This way it dries off and is ready to go the next day," explained Tony. Not sure how much water he is spraying on that shirt that it needs to dry overnight. Anyways, in an almost mind-boggling turn of events, Eric Reid, who on the surface appears to be one of the most fastidious and assiduously prepared human beings alive, lightly mocked Tony, laughing, and claiming, "I just pick out my shirt for the game ten minutes before it is time to get ready." HAAAAAAA!!! So impulsive!!! The chances that this has happened, even one time: 0.0 percent! I am willing to lay HUGE odds that Eric Reid has his wardrobe for the entire season picked out, color-coded, logged into a computer, and packed in a travel bag, two weeks before training camp even starts! This is a man who knows off the top of his head how many dunks KJ James has in February! This is a man who can recall the details of a December road win in Cleveland...in 1997! This is a man who got upset when he was awakened before his scheduled rising time, and thus thrown off schedule, by the "cacophonous roar" of a marathon race in Sacramento last year! He doesn't do anything without a minimum of six days of careful consideration! If this is the kind of lesson you want Stephen Jackson to learn, Mr. Reid - lying to seem a lot cooler than you are - than I suggest that Stephen Jackson find a new mentor!

6) You know JoJo the Tire Guy? From "Bad Boys?" You know, that guy in the commercials who wants to fight you over the brand of tequila you drink? He's like, "Whatever happened to men - they used to be men, now they are girls, and they don't sit around wearing terrible-looking dark suits, like mine, and berate people for the kind of tequila they do or don't like to drink." Yeah, well, whatever happened to him? He was such a nice, young kid, and in "Bad Boys" all he knew about was tires, only tires - oh yeah, and about major crystal meth dealers, but mostly tires. But in the end, he was straight, he told Will Smith and Martin Lawrence what they needed to know. Why is he douche-ing it up in these commercials now? He was on "The Sopranos," right? Was this his character in "The Sopranos," a guy who liked to fight people who didn't drink the same tequila he did? Man, that really, really, really seems like a show I would not enjoy whatsoever...
---
Back - again - tomorrow night in Indiana. If they win three in a row on the road, that's a fairly ridiculous feat. We'll see what happens. If you need me before then, I'll be drinking passion fruit mojitos. YEAH, COME ON, JOJO THE TIRE GUY, I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU, I'LL DRINK FRUITY GIRL DRINKS ALL I WANT, YOU LITTLE BLACK SUIT-WEARING SELLOUT! I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE, PUNK!!!
-----

Heat 107 Hawks 87

2012-02-12T20:24:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) This game wasn't even remotely as close as the score indicated. The Heat led by 12 after one quarter, by 22 at halftime, by 27 after 3, and by 30 with 6 minutes to go. I'd like to take some pleasure in it, but I can't. You know why? No Al Horford. Al Horford!

2) This was the first game of the back-to-back-to-back, and finally the Heat got a big lead and Coach Spo felt comfortable enough to let KJ James and Dwyane get some extra rest: 30 minutes for KJ (a more-than-solid 23, 13, 6), and only 24 (great!) for Dwyane (an aggressive 21, 5, and 3, with 2 steals and a block). Both guys came out with energy - KJ, in particular, pushed the ball as hard as he could early, getting to the line, and creating opportunities for others. For one night, anyways, he figured out if he went hard early, and blew a team out, he could rest late.

3) What the bejeezus got into Chris Bosh tonight? Side note: I'm still long "o-ing" Bosh. I'd make the obligatory "he also only played 32 minutes tonight, although any amount is fine since he doesn't play hard enough to get tired" joke, except, tonight: hard playing! His shot wasn't there, only 4-14, for 14 points, but that was the only weak part of his game. He had a four possession sequence late in the second quarter which went like this: first, he introduced a modification of the "statue defense," in which he gets to the right spot to defend the rim, then stands with arms straight up, motionless like a statue, and hopes the offensive player doesn't step around him and make an easy layup. On a Joe Johnson drive, Bosh got to the right spot in front of the rim, got into the statue position, and then jumped ("The Jumping Statue!"), causing Johnson to miss a wild shot, which led to a Heat runout for a hoop at the other end, which Bosh leisurely watched from the backcourt as if to say, "My work here is done." Except it wasn't done. On the ensuing Atlanta possession, he snatched a defensive rebound, and then swung an aggressive elbow at Hawks center Zaza Pachulia, backing him off his usual "wait-until-the-other-team-gets-a-rebound-and-then-try-to-smash-it-loose-with-a-karate-chop-to-the-forearm" strategy. Then, on the next Hawks possession, he leaped...okay, he jumped...okay, he hopped...into the air, and smacked a Marvin Williams layup away from the rim, leading to another runout hoop. Finally, on the next Heat possession, he rolled sharply down the lane, reached out behind him to catch a poorly aimed KJ James pass, one-handed it, sliced between Zaza and Josh Smith, and dun- okay, power-layup'd - the ball into the hoop, giving the Heat a 24 point lead, and essentially ending the game. A first half double-double for Chris (10 and 10), and 16 rebounds on the night. I haven't witnessed a big man performance this aggressive and effective in a Heat-Hawks game since...you guessed it: Al Horford!

4) Every once in while, someone will write to us and say: "Oh, you never point out when the refereeing is bad and it favors the Heat!" That's a great point, it's almost as if this is a blog about the Miami Heat...If you want to hear someone consistently providing the Hawks perspective, I recommend, "Two Minutes, Y'all." Still, it is a fair point, so here goes: The Heat shot 31 free throws, the Hawks 7. This is an outrage! I berate you, referees! I BERATE YOU!!!

5) Okay, let's address a very, very serious halftime show matter. We are skipping the part where UD read about Alex Haley ("You my family!") for Black History Month, and UD still had braids, almost as if Sunsports had recycled last year's Black History Month readings. Let's get to the part when, after assistant coach David Fizdale read about black basketball pioneer Earl Lloyd (on tape, from an undetermined date and location), he was interviewed just before the start of the second half by Sunsports host Jason Jackson. Now, Coach Loc, as we like to call him (he doesn't look like Tone Loc, not exactly, but he's a Tone Loc type), seems bright and affable, and gives good information during these interviews. He's certainly more likable during these segments than Heat assistant Ron Rothstein, who as we have noted in this space before, once intentionally lost a game while serving as interim head coach, a transgression for which I have never forgiven him. However, he's not nearly as popular as assistant Keith Askins. You know why? No catch phrase! Coach 'Skines ends every interview with Jax with a soulful, "Right on!" What does Coach Loc end with? Usually, "Thank you," or sometimes, "thanks," or maybe, "okay." Coach Loc needs a catch phrase! Something to generate a little buzz around his halftime interviews - you know, create a little brand for himself. Here are some suggestions that M.Minutos and I came up with quickly - feel free to take any of these, Coach Loc: "True Dat!" "Over and out, Jax!" "Mmmm-hmmmm!" "You damn skippy!" "Stay black!" "I'm electric, and if you touch me, you might get shocked!" "Hey Ya!" "Roger that, Captain!" "Fo' shizzle!" "How u?"

6) With Ruffles and Pringles so readily available, who would ever eat Lays? Blecchhhh.
---
Back tomorrow night for a road game against the very best team in the NBA, at least against us, the Milwaukee Bucks. If you need me before then, I'll be working on my own brand, with my new catch phrase: "Who wants to bleep Dos Minutos?!!!"
-----

Heat 106 Wizards 89

2012-02-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) I'd like to say that any player on the Heat team other than Shane Battier had anything to do with this win, but, honestly, they didn't. The Heat (and the Wizards) sleepwalked through three quarters, and Miami led by 7. In the fourth quarter, Coach Spo started Battier, Mike Mil-lar, Norris Cole, UD, and Bosh. AND BATTIER WENT CRAZY, TIPPING BALLS, STARTING BREAKS, MAKING SPOT UP THREES, GOING BACK DOOR FOR LAYUPS, AND THEN, WHEN HE WAS REALLY, REALLY FEELING IT, TOOK NICK YOUNG INTO THE POST, BACKED HIM IN FOR SEVENTEEN SECONDS, ALLOWING ME TIME TO TELL M.MINUTOS 'HERE COMES THE DORKY HOOK SHOT,' AND THEN DROPPED THE DORKY HOOK SHOT RIGHT IN!!!! TEN QUICK POINTS, HEAT RAGED OUT TO A 17 POINT LEAD, BALLGAME, PUT ON THE FULL-BODY COMPRESSION SUIT, CRANK UP THE JIMMY BUFFETT, GET OUT OF TOWN!!! THANK YOU, MR. BATTIER!!!!!!

2) Or, in calmer terms, 6-9 (3-6 triples) - 15 points and 5 boards in 23 minutes for Battman.

3) For the second or third straight game, KJ James was in an absolute sleepwalk. I've never seen anyone look so tired on a basketball court. He looks completely out of gas to me. Finished 6-14 from the floor for 18 points, with 9 assists, but only 2 rebounds. And there were a lot of rebounds to be had - the Wizards (38% for the game) aren't exactly a bunch of dead eye marksmen. Because the bench put the game away early, KJ only played 33 minutes, which is good. Dwyane, who scored 26 on 11-18, only played 31, and he looked tired, too. On one play in the third quarter, he pushed the ball up the court in transition, got stripped from behind by John Wall, then turned around and watched the other 9 players go back the other way, like he couldn't imagine having to run full-speed back. It's frustrating to watch...

4)...But you know what? It's isn't just KJ and Dwyane, and not just Coach Spo grinding them into the ground. Check out these final scores from around the league tonight: Clippers 78-Sixers 77; Raptors 86-Celtics 74; Hawks 89-Magic 87 (in ot); Hornets 94-Blazers 86; Knicks 92-Lakers 85. These are low, low scores. Everyone all around the league is tired all the time. The Heat were terrible tonight - except for Shane Battier - and they killed this team. Yes, the Wizards are bad, but they were at home, with one of their only decent crowds of the year, and they jogged around with the same minimal effort that the Heat did. Thanks a lot, David Stern! Thanks to your stupid lockout, the quality of basketball is weak - appreciate it!

5) Play of the game: there were a few to choose from. Dwyane Wade had a ridiculous spinning 360 degree floater over a vaguely engaged JaVale McGee; Chris Bosh had a tip dunk that he totally whiffed off the front iron, but bounced up in the air and went in; and Emcee Chalmers returned after a night off with a sore hand and committed a turnover approximately 4 seconds into the game - he's back! But I'm going to have to go with the play in the fourth quarter when KJ James received a pass out on the perimeter, and got whacked so hard in the head by a Wizard that it knocked his headband off. KJ looked over at the referee Tony Brown in disgust, since no foul was called - why would it be a foul, a guy only hit another guy in the head and knocked off his headband? - whereupon Brown shrugged sheepishly, then went over and picked KJ's headband up off the court, and spent the next few possession running up and down the court with it! Good idea - why worry about reffing the game? Make sure you keep that headband clean!

6) Finally got to watch "Drive" in its entirety. This was a fine film. It is an edgy story about the seedier side of Los Angeles, far away from the glitz and glamour of Hollywood. It stars the always excellent Albert Brooks as a sleazy low-level mobster, and Walter White from "Breaking Bad" as a hard-luck mechanic. About three minutes in, you start feeling uneasy, a total "I don't like the direction this is going" feeling, and it never lets up. Awesome tension and drama. Anything else? Hmmm, let me think for second, did I forget anything important about this movie? Oh, yes: YEAHHHHHH, GET IT RYAN GOSLING, YOU DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING TALK TO BE IN A MOVIE, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BE COOL AS SHIT AND WHEN ANYONE SAYS ANYTHING TO YOU, JUST GIVE A VAGUE, KNOWING, WORLD-WEARY SMILE AND DON'T SAY A WORD! YEAHHHH, ILL!! AS!!! SHIT!!! ON A SCALE OF 1-10, I GIVE THE MOVIE A 100, AND I GIVE RYAN GOSLING A 1000!!!!!!!
---
Next up is the worst stretch on the schedule: three straight games on the road, beginning Sunday in Atlanta (followed by Milwaukee Monday, and Indiana Tuesday). If you need me before then, I'll be chilling so hard like Gosling, and if someone asks me if I want, like, a glass of water, I'll pause for like nine seconds, smile wearily with a far away look in my eyes, and say nothing. Maybe - maybe - I'll say softly, "okay." But only maybe, if I feel like it. See you Sunday. Maybe. If I feel like it.
-----

Magic 102 Heat 89

2012-02-08T19:45:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Well, that wasn't too good. In what is likely to be the last game Miami ever plays against Dwight Howard in a Magic uniform, the Heat came out on the second night of a back-to-back with tired legs, couldn't make a shot, were lazy defensively, and worst of all, had to endure a hot shooting night from the Magic: 17-42 triples! Dang! And M.Minutos fell asleep for the second straight night! It happens - take the beating and move on...

2)...except Coach Spo would not just take the beating and move on. I love Spo; I hate people who make random criticisms of Spo every time Miami loses. Spo didn't lose the game; the players lost the game. But it seemed pretty apparent, to me anyways, that Miami didn't have it when they got down 15 halfway through the first quarter. But okay, they battled back to down 3 at halftime, only to watch the lead balloon back up to high double digits early in the third quarter. When the third quarter ended with the Heat down 16, there is no way in hell Wade, KJ James, or Bosh should have gone anywhere near the court in the fourth quarter. The schedule is insane this shortened season, and Miami was in the first night of its most daunting stretch: 6 games over the next 8 nights, all on the road, with three games in a row at one juncture. This was a night to take a long-term view of the season, to rest legs, and to keep perspective on the most important thing: to be as healthy and as fresh as possible come playoff time. Instead, Miami never made a serious run, and Wade (36), KJ James (39!), and Bosh (37) all played wayyy too many meaningless minutes. That was an error in judgement. I love Spo, but that over-competitive and silly. If I were my dad, Pat Riley, I'd be really pissed.

3) KJ looked exhausted - he could use a couple of nights off, in my opinion. He's earned them. Just couldn't get the jumper to fall at all, and finished with just 17 points (though, in fairness, he had 10 assists). In fact, Miami's only offense all night was the irrepressible Dwyane Wade, who kept ending up one-on-one in space against Dwight Howard, dribbling around him, and dunking the ball - 33 points on 15-24 from Dwyane...

4)...and it's time to say goodbye, for now, to Dwight Howard. The next time Miami plays against him, he'll probably be on New Jersey, or the Lakers, or somewhere else. He's always been a good guy to play against as an in-state rival. He is a great player, he has fun on the court, and has always been a good winner and loser. Miami's usually had good success against him, but tonight his numbers were great: 25 points, 24 rebounds, although if it's possible to have a polite and quiet 20-20 game, he did. Orlando still hopes to convince him to commit to stay when his contract expires at the end of the season, but Howard appears to be considering other options. That's where I come in. I've tried to make this point other times, in other ways, but let's try this one more time, just to help Howard in his decision-making process. Presenting "Dos Minutos' Least Favorite American Cities!" 1) Orlando; 2) everywhere else seems at least reasonably good by comparison! The end!!! Enjoy Brooks Lopez, Orlando - you're going to love him!!!

5) Emcee Chalmers missed the game tonight because he caught his hand on a jersey last night and injured it. Or, as we like to call it here at Dos Minutos, "The Mike Mil-lar." Then, tonight in the second half, guess who else came up with a "Mike Mil-lar?" That's right, you guessed it, obviously: Mike Mil-lar!!! Luckily, KJ James also seemed to lightly sprain his ankle during some meaningless fourth quarter minutes. Here we go with the injuries again!

6) Santorum on the climb! Rick Santorum is charging, and guess who was lucky enough to see about three minutes of one of his stump speeches the other day? Yes, sir, the biggest Milt Romney fan on the planet - me. That's probably pretty faint praise, by the way - not sure how many big Milt Romney fans are out there right now. Anyways, Santorum had an awesome little meeting, from what I saw. "Your choice in this election comes down to two things," he shouted, in what sounded like his campaign catch phrase, "One: do you absolutely fear and despise gay people? And, two: do you want everybody in our country to have to conform to the exact same social values, like they do in Communist China?" That is a "yes" and "even yesser" for me! Better, then he held an auction for his tie! Like, literally, he took off his tacky-looking, shiny red tie (red - like a Communist!!!), signed the back of it, then planned to auction it off to raise money for charity, or his campaign, or for straight people, or something. Wow - what an opportunity! I would like to start the bidding at "You-pay-me-$200-to-take-that-fashion-mistake-off-your-hands-and-throw-it-in-the-trash!" Santorum fever - it's catching (like, maybe - just maybe - homosexuality, if you spend too much time around gay people)!!! Watch out!!!
---
We'll be back Friday for a game in Washington against the Bullards. This is, of course, BH and Taz' favorite team, and I can only pray that they can pull themselves away from their umpteenth viewing of "Death to Smoochy" long enough to attend this game. If you need me before then, I'll be auctioning off my summer-y, pink and blue madras tie over at the Five Guys on Congress Avenue, just south of Gateway in Boynton Beach. See you Friday!
-----

Heat 107 Cavs 91

2012-02-07T20:37:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Well, that was incredibly boring! M.Minutos fell asleep! Just a run o' the mill home win. Cavs kept it close for a while, Miami had it dialed up to about 3 out of 10 on the effort meter, then halfway through the fourth quarter, went to the Wade-KJ James-UD-Miller-Bosh closing unit and blew Cleveland out. No one is overly satisfied with how Miami is playing - you wouldn't exactly say they are completely focused, or even strongly focused. I would say they are somewhat focused. But you can't win anything in February, and 19-6 is 19-6, the best start in franchise history. Let's go.

2) Twins: Dwyane 9-17, 8-9 free throws, 26 points and 6 assists, 4 rebounds, 3 steals; KJ James 9-16, 6-7 free throws, 24 points and 6 assists, 5 rebounds, 2 steals. Mario Chalmers: every other point! I guess, that's, umm...57!!!

3) Nah, but Emcee did survive the jinx - we praised his shooting here last game, and figured he'd break a backboard or concuss a fan with an errant jumper tonight. But he stuck 4-9 triples, missing his last two on a late possession where he heat-checked himself - twice! - after making two in a row. 5-11 for 14 points for Chalmers overall. Not even too many super-retarded fouls - the game was so boring he didn't even bother to foul people.

4) Play of the game: in the 4th quarter, with Miami starting to stretch it out, very white and plodding Cavs forward Luke Harangody, formerly of Notre Dame, missed his third shot inside of one inch en route to a 1-9 shooting night. Mike Mil-lar, who had a season high 9 rebounds, grabbed the ball in traffic, waved it over his head, and though he was surrounded by Cavaliers, decided he was going to try to hail mary the ball all the way down the court to a basket-hanging Shane Battier. Miller couldn't get any oomphfff on the pass, and it careened crazily down the court as the Cavs chased after it. Battier waited and waited for it to get there, pleadingly. Finally the ball and two Cavaliers all arrived at Battier at the same time - Battier caught the ball, slowly spun around as he was enveloped by the two Cavs players, and tried to flip it in the basket. Remember, Battier can't jump, so he was literally flipping it through a crowd of arms. The ball spun around the rim, teetered on the edge, and then suddenly, KJ James came thundering down the lane going about 190 miles an hour, leaped, appeared to hang in midair for an extra beat until the ball cleared the rim, then reached out with a giant right hand and tomahawked the ball back through the basket with extreme force! Holy Moly! Goodness Gracious. Next time, Shane Battier, do that!

5) West Palm Beach native, and Dwyer grad, Alonzo Gee started for the Cavs tonight at guard, and played a nice, aggressive game. 17 points for Alonzo. He usually comes off the bench for Cleveland. Did Cavalier coach, Byron Scott, decide to start him as a treat for Gee and his hometown fans? Not exactly: "We didn't have nobody else." Okay! Still - nice game, Alonzo!

6) Well, it's time for one of our favorite features, Mr. Tommy Wade's Video Corner! Take it away, Tommy Wade.

Dear Mr. Dos Minutos,

My heart stops every time that Bosh dunks or whenever mario tosses an uncatchable ball to Wade or KJ.
Since when did dunking or oop-dee-doops become such dangerous activities? Only in miami.

In the following video, is an example of bosh dunking the ball w reckless abandon. It was a, "Yeahhhh....OMG NOOooooo" moment. I thought he was injured from the way he landed. Wade and KJ were on the same page as well. They rushed to the scene as if Chris snapped in half like a gingerbread man...

Anyways, i have an idea. I know bosh hasn't been playing well recently. Instead of making fun of chris bosh in #5 of your column. Maybe we could pull a "Pat Riley motivational tactic":

I've deliberately chosen a suitable motivational speaker

Maybe you could pass this email along to your Dad.

Cheers.

Your biggest fan.

Tommy Wade.

Dos says: "As always, you killed it, Tommy Wade! This kid's speech is no lamer than 'Fifteen Strong!' I'll pass it along to my dad!"
---
Tonight's game was the first of 6 in 8 nights, the next 5 on the road, including a road back-to-back-to-back. Ugh. We play tomorrow in Orlando. If you need me before then, I'll be showing this video to my little neighbor B, who is 9 years old, but still can't ride a bike: "B, if you believe in yourself, you will know how to ride a bike!"
-----

Heat 95 Raptors 89

2012-02-05T15:03:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) My house smells like slow-roasted pork butt and cayenne. Ahh, pork and cayenne, smells like...a methodical 6 point win over a pesky Toronto team! Ohhh, this is gonna taste good, let's write this blog quick and get to pork and football (minus the football - I can't lie, I'll never make it through the game).

2) Last game was all about the balanced scoring, more of a scoring buffet for everyone.   Today was a more typical Heat game: KJ James (adding the "James" to the "KJ" - it's a Hubie Brown thing) was the pork, the main ingredient, with 30 points on 17 shots, and 9 rebounds. Dwyane was the spice, the cayenne, with 25 on 14 shots. Two more blocks for Dwyane - have Eric Reid or Tony Fiorentino ever pointed out on the broadcast what a good shot-blocker Dwyane is for a guard?  Not too sure, can't remember them ever mentioning it. Bosh was like the tortilla: a little flat today, on 12 points, but had 8 boards, 4 assists, and was active defensively. Udonis Haslem was like the homemade guacamole - added that little something extra to take it all up a notch with 8 points, including 2 big jumpers late, and 9 rebounds in 26 rock solid minutes. He's starting to come around - two straight games in which he has made shots down the stretch. Looking more like UD...

3) Do you want me to potentially ruin Mario Chalmers' season? Do you want me to risk it? Okay, I'm going to risk it. He's generally the Heat's nachos: looks delicious, but you really shouldn't go there, it's not good for you. But, honestly, he is shooting the crap out of the ball this year. He made 3-5 triples again today, and he's over 46% from deep on the season. He's also over 50% from the floor overall, and he's 80%+ from the line. Yes, he still turns the ball over too much.  Yes, he commits insane fouls on jump shooters at the end of the shot clock. Yes, he dribbles around the court like he just stepped off an hour on the tilt-a-whirl; and, he's the worst alley-oop passer of all-time. But he is really, really spacing the floor this year, and I always trust him on open catch-and-shoots.  Now, get ready for the ice age of all shooting cold spells in 3, 2, 1...Sorry, Emcee...

4) Well, the Big Cat, Jamal Magloire, was back in town with the Raptors today. He didn't injure anyone with a ridiculously hard foul, that's the first thing, that was a huge win for the Heat team. What he did do was positively light up everyone associated with the Heat organization. Big Cat was one of the most popular players the Heat have ever had - every player has always loved him, and both the pre and post game handshakes turned into a reception line worthy of Prince William's wedding (not Harry's when he gets married - no one is going to want to shake that snarky, gingy's hand). Literally, the sight of the Big Cat back in The Trip was the happiest I've ever seen KJ James - as Cat engaged in conversation with Joel Anthony during pre-game warmups, KJ suddenly ran over, shoved Butter out of the way, and with a huge genuine smile (not the fake, but polite, over-smile he always gives Jax during post-game interviews) embraced Cat and shared a few warm words. But then Cat went right back and resumed his conversation with Joel. He didn't care that KJ James is a superstar and that Butter is a human greased-up turnover. He treats everyone with the same respect and dignity, no matter who they are. You know why? What the hell is wrong is with you, I just told you: he's Big Cat Magloire!!!

5) Well, it was the annual kids day for the Sunsports broadcast. Jax' kids were there - they do a super-solid job, although I didn't like it when Jax aborted his son's post-game interview with KJ to ask his own questions. Not sure he did a better job than his son was doing. Also, it was a little disturbing that former kid day star Joey Brandler, who usually does a quarter of play-by-play with Eric and Tony, had apparently been fired to open up a spot for Heat beat reporter Ira Winderman's son. Nepotism is a heller-bitch - better you learn that now, Joey Brandler. Although to be fair, Jake Winderman was extremely stellar. Plus, he openly campaigned for Eric Reid's job: "This is where I want to be; this is where I have wanted to be my whole life," Winderman asserted during his second quarter announcing stint. It's nice to see a kid with ambition. Tony Fiorentino, predictably, got a big chuckle out of that. Not chuckling? The man whose job Jake was trying usurp, Eric Reid: "You can go to hell, kid."

6) Great friend of the blog, DW, writes in to ask: "How did you meet M.Minutos? She seems a lot cooler than you." You know what, DW? You can go to hell, too. Still, though, it is a fair question, one that deserves answering. I think some readers already know this story, so feel free to skip it if you want. Basically, I was like 22, living in the city, after I had failed out of college. I was totally having a hard go of it. I couldn't get a regular job in corporate America, because I had, you know, failed out of school. My band sucked because I had no talent, and refused to work with anyone who did. I was broke, with no prospects, and no friends. One evening, I was sitting in a fuckin' TGIF because they had free appetizers at happy hour - I'd go in, buy the cheapest draft beer they had, and then sit there gorging myself on the free appetizers so that I wouldn't starve to death. While I was scarfing down crappy chicken wings, I saw this supercute little black girl sitting a few seats down from me. It was pretty empty in there - it was a fuckin' TGIF! I kept looking over until we "accidentally" made eye contact, and then I was, like, "Hey," and she was like, "Hey," and we started talking. She was just getting ready to finish college, and she had come to the city to visit her boyfriend, who had a job at a music label. So instantly, I fucking hated him, because he had this supercute girlfriend, and a job at a record label - it made it even worse that it was in the hip hop division, so I couldn't even, like, try to make a connection to him for my band. But the more we talked, the more it came out that their relationship wasn't going well, and that she had kind of had it with him. She was telling me, You know, it's just kind of run its course. And they had had an argument, and she left his apartment, and had come to this bar to chill out. She was leaving the next day, and she was, like, "I don't even want to go back to his apartment tonight, I just want to hang out in the city until my flight tomorrow," and that sounded promising, but I didn't want to show it or anything, and then she was like, "No, I shouldn't really be here, I should go back to his apartment," and that hurt my heart, but with whatever bravado I could muster up in my beaten down state, I was like, "If you don't want to be here, leave then." And there was a long pause, and we looked at each other. And I was feeling it - I felt sure I was feeling it, that it was really, really, really real, and I couldn't believe that she wasn't feeling the same thing. I couldn't be that wrong. And then she said - she said,  "You wanna go for a ride? I got sixteen hours to burn, and I'm gonna stay up all night." Then we fell in love, then we got married. The end. You know what's so weird, though? Greg Dulli wrote a song about it, check it out:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Time to go get this pork roast out of the oven. We'll be back on Tuesday for a game against Cleveland. If you need me before then, I'll be following Jake Winderman on twitter. Happy Superbowl!

------------------------

Heat 99 Sixers 79

2012-02-03T21:02:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Everything's back to normal, everything's okay again.   Not with the Heat - I mean my tv is fixed, cable guy came out and re-wired some stuff.  Picture looked crys-tal, I felt like I was in Philadelphia at the game! Oh, and the Heat won, too, a good clinical effort against an athletic and spunky Sixers squad that had been playing great at home. Here's the rundown: in #2 we are going to highlight a new closing lineup; in #3 look at the balanced scoring effort; and in #4 review KJ's (remember: King James) performance in the new halftime game show, "Black History Month." Then in #5 we'll make fun of Elton Brand, like we always do when we play the Sixers; and then wrap it up with a video in #6. Let's get to it, we've got some pork to roast this weekend!

2) Okay, so when Miami put this team together last year, obviously, the closing group they had in mind, the way they wanted to end (not necessarily start) games was this: Wade and KJ at the guards handling the ball, with Miller, Bosh, and Haslem up front. That's a great floor-spacing group: Wade and KJ can make plays for jumpers for any of the other three. And though that group lacks bulk in the frontcourt, Wade, KJ, and Miller all rebound so well that the glass should not be a problem. Then Miller instantly got hurt, then Udonis got hurt, and until game two of the Eastern Conference Finals against the Bulls, that group did not even play one second of basketball together. And even then, Miller was playing with a broken thumb, and a shoulder that needed surgery, and UD had a broken foot. This year, with the addition of Battier, and the excellent shooting of Chalmers, the rotations have been a work in progress, and we had still never seen this specific lineup. With 8 minutes to go in the fourth quarter, and the Heat up 8, Coach Spo went to it - for a basketball nerd like myself, it was super-exciting, I noticed it the second they came on the court, and couldn't wait to see how it worked. Annnnd, 5 minutes later the Heat had gone on a 15-0 run, were ahead by 23, and the game was over! Wade and KJ handled the ball up top, and found Miller for a jumper, and then UD for back to back jumpers to push out ahead. Open shots came easily for this group. On the defensive end, the advantage was even more pronounced. 6'2" guard Lou Williams is the Sixers crunch time iso go-to scorer - LeBron took him and erased him. Williams ended the game 6-17 from the floor. Wade took Sixers point guard Jrue Holiday, and suddenly his penetrations down the lane were a lot less comfortable. And everyone rebounded. It obviously won't be this easy with this group every game, but this is the goal, I think. This is how you want to close games out, with this group.

3) Balanced scoring tonight: Dwyane had 26 on 20 shots (and only 1 turnover); KJ had 19 points 12 rebounds, 8 assists (and only 2 turnovers); Chalmers had 13 (3-4 triples); Miller (2-3 triples, over 55% for the season) and Bosh each had 12; and Norris Cole chipped with 11, on 3 threes of his own. That's rare for the Heat - usually Wade, KJ, and Bosh dominate the scoring. But tonight those guys created for others.

4) Okay, so "Hot Seconds With Jax" ended last week, with KJ as the champion. The next halftime game show is "Black History Month," in which each player takes a turn reading a monologue about a famous, you know, black person. Last game, Dwyane kicked things off by reading about the Williams sisters, Venus and the other one. Positives: Dwyane's monologue was incredibly long, seemed like 20 minutes. His stamina was impressive. Negatives: I didn't like his outfit, it was kind of a black-on-black shirt and suit, with a weird gray collar-y thing. Dwyane's a great dresser - this outfit just didn't work. Another huge negative: the Williams sisters are totally annoying. Overall, I gave Dwyane a B. Tonight, KJ was up, and he was excellent. He read on Joe Louis. As you might expect, I am skeptical that KJ has ever heard of Joe Louis. Or boxing, for that matter. But you never would have known that the way he cranked it out - solid reading skills, did a good job, really sold Joe Louis' career, especially the poignant part at the end when Joe Louis has IRS problems, and had to try to make a comeback way too late in life. I also never knew that Ronald Reagan gave special permission for Joe Louis to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery when he died - thanks for the knowledge, KJ!   Also, KJ loves a scarf, like a winter scarf, and he sported a sweet one during his segment. I mean, I don't like to have to declare a winner when you are talking about educating people about black history, but we have to. And right now, KJ is in the lead.

5) Oh, Elton Brand. You are the very definition of a #1 overall draft pick bust.  In fairness, you were extremely poorly coached in college, but you certainly have made minimal effort to get into basketball shape over the past few seasons. You are a long-armed, pot-bellied anvil in the middle of both the Sixers offense and defense. Tonight you started, but played only 23 minutes, went 0-3 from the floor, and were outscored by The Warden, Joel Anthony, 2-0. Your highlight came on the first possession of the third quarter when the Sixers ran a set designed to get you a post touch, you spent 17 seconds trying to shove Chris Bosh out of the way so you could get to the spot, at one point turning your back to the ball that was supposed to be entered to you, just so you could continue pushing. Finally, you cleared enough space to receive the pass, two steps further out on the wing than you were supposed to, "elevated" for a jumper, then crashed a line drive off the rim. The next time down the court, you missed an 8 footer equally badly, and instead of trying grab the rebound, instead put two hands in Butter's back and shoved him past the ball while someone else on the Heat started a fast break. The next time down, someone else on the Sixers shot a layup, but as the ball was spinning on the rim, about to go down, you inexplicably reached up and lightly touched it, then landed and instantly waived your hands wildly, like, "I didn't touch that," which compelled the referees to whistle you for offensive goaltending and waive off the basket. It was really quite a stretch, Elton Brand. It was really something.

6) So this condensed schedule is super-cutting into time to do other things.  For instance, I haven't listened to a new band in weeks and weeks. I know there is one album I sooo want - Twilight Singers live in New York - but the Russian website doesn't have it yet. Heaven forbid I pay like $10 for it at itunes. But, here is a song that I absolutely have totally been loving since I first heard it this summer: "Nothing But a Miracle" by Diane Birch and Darryl Hall. I hate to admit this, but I love, love, love Hall & Oates! C'mon, dude, I don't care how cool, or how detached, or how ironic you are, you have to love Hall & Oates. That is real, classic, filthy illness. And it only gets better with time. So now Hall has this tv show (started as a webshow) where he has musicians visit him at his pastoral estate in New York, and they eat cool food and jam. This young gal, I don't really know anything about her, but you can tell she is feeling all over that 70s vibe so hard, and at the end of the song she bursts out smiling, like, "Holy crap, Darryl Hall just sang my song!" So, so good:

---
Well, we'll be back on Superbowl Sunday with a game against Toronto. I'm not even going to lie: although I am super-excited about slow-roasting a pork butt for Superbowl Sunday fare, I haven't seen the actual game in a decade - I'll probably be watching the Heat game during Giants-Pats. If you need me before then, I'll be learning the guitar part to "Nothing But a Miracle" so that Great Friend of the Blog Snets and I can rock a duet. I gotta get myself together, people. I gotta go out and buy myself a little black dress - I'm so tired of this t-shirt. Night!
-----

Bucks 105 Heat 97

2012-02-01T20:21:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) What a tough night. Not for the team - for me! Spent an hour trying to help O.Minutos with his math homework - decimals, ugh! Then watched the continuing implosion of the University of Connecticut's basketball season - they scored under 50 points for the second straight game. Then watched LeBron go off for 24 in the first quarter, building a nice lead for Miami, only to see Milwaukee grind their way back into the game thanks to a ton of mindless turnovers, and lazy defense. And thennn, early in the second half, the cable got janky, and I couldn't really see the rest of the game. Gave up halfway through the third quarter with the Heat behind, and I guess they went on to lose. Cable has been very, very janky lately - as a temporary measure, I am going to have to suspend dvr'ing games in favor of live action. We're going to blitz through this, mostly because I don't know what happened in the second half. Nor, at this point, do I care. When do the playoffs start? Jeez...

2) In Cleveland, he was "LBJ" - can't really call LeBron that. "LeBron" is tough to type over and over because of the extra capital letter, and it implies a certain familiarity and affection that Heat fans don't really have for him. Calling him "King James" is ridiculous, though he does have it stenciled on his bicycle. I suggested calling him "The King," because it is dorky and funny, but M.Minutos suggested "KJ," like old Phoenix Suns point guard (and current mayor of - oh, no! -Sacramento) Kevin Johnson, which I love and is henceforth his name in this blog, or at least until I forget. KJ finished with 40 on only 24 shots, and also 8 rebounds and 5 assists, but he also had 7 turnovers, most of them simply lazy, tired basketball. And he had 24 in the first quarter, so he slowed down quite a bit.

3) Miami had 40 points in the first quarter, 37 in the whole second half. That's not good. We've lost to Milwaukee twice this season. We can't handle Milwaukee! Whatever you do, Miami, avoid Milwaukee in the playoffs! If they make it...

4) Got nothing from the role players tonight from what I could see: Haslem, Cole, Battier, and Miller combined for 7 points on 2-11.

5) The janky dvr and loss capped off a bad day overall. Had two disturbing thoughts during the day (related to basketball; maybe about eight overall): one, I am really way too old to care about who wins a basketball game. It's kind of creepy to be an adult and care about who wins a basketball game, no? I notice I can't sustain any interest in any game not involving Miami - that's unusual for me. Usually I have some kind of rooting interest, usually against someone, in any NBA game, but now, no, I can only watch for a few minutes. Feels kind of creepy to get involved - bad enough to be involved with my own team...Second, and related to the first point: basketball is just going to keep going. It goes and goes and goes. One season ends, there is a short break, and then another season begins. There is no freakin' exit plan in sight - it is just basketball from now until the end of time! That is unbelievably depressing. Basketball isn't going to stop itself - it won't stop until I stop it! In general, this season is so much more enjoyable than last season - the team is off to a better start, I am used to LeBron and Chris, but really, like the team, I am just killing time waiting for the playoffs to start. We either will win the title or we won't. But the really daunting thing is the thought of having to watch a whole entire season after that. And then another. And then another. This is awful...

6) You want to know how I got in this bad mood? I mean, seriously? Obviously, it wasn't the fuzzy dvr, that's a minor inconvenience. It wasn't even the prospect of being in a never-ending hell-like cycle of basketball seasons. I can just not watch. What really got me upset was when Milt Romney trounced Newt Gingrich in the Florida primary yesterday. Do you know what that means? NO FREAKING MOON COLONY! It's over. Even if Gingrich can come back and win this thing, there is no fucking way he is going to let my state participate in the moon colony in any way. Worse, Romney is probably going to win, and then we will continue to spend our money on stupid shit like education, national defense, and trying to make sure people have enough to eat. But not a moon colony! Jesus, do we ever suck in Florida - we killed the moon colony!!!
---
We'll be back Friday for a game vs Philadelphia, if my cable is working, and I am still watching basketball. If you need me before then, I'll be starting up my own lobbyist group focused on the construction of moon colonies. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine - don't you remember, I'll be slow-roasting a pork butt on Sunday!
-----

Heat 109 Hornets 95

2012-01-30T20:22:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Ahhh, so relaxing. This was not a donnybrook like yesterday's game against Chicago at all. This was the exact opposite. It was a mariebrook! Sorry...Miami got down 12 early to an absolutely brutal New Orleans team, shook off a sense of (well-deserved) malaise after yesterday's battle, and pounded New Orleans the rest of the way, leading by 27 at one point in the second half. LeBron (30 minutes, 22, 11, 8) and Dwyane (24 minutes!, 22, 3, 5) both got to rest the entire fourth quarter. In a season where the games come so fast and furious, Paul Walker-style, this game was more like a siesta! More on that down in #4. Vamonos!

2) Play of the game, in a bad way:  Look, it wasn't the worst alley-oop Mario Chalmers has ever thrown, not by a long-shot. But his slightly too-high, and slightly too-long alley-oop pass to Dwyane Wade in the second quarter, which resulted in Dwyane smashing the ball off the back iron, is worth mentioning if only to highlight the following, which has been said many times, but warrants repeating again: Mario Chalmers is the worst thrower of alley-oop passes since the legalization of the dunk shot, after John Wooden lost his decades-long battle to keep it banned from the sport. Dwyane and LeBron are two of the most athletic players in basketball. When they are running, full-speed, towards the rim, it is almost impossible to throw the ball somewhere that they can't adjust to, go get it, and dunk. Yet, time and time again, Emcee throws the ball too high, or too wide, or too low - too something. And since our only other true point guard of note in the past couple of seasons, the late, great Mike Bibby, hasn't participated in a fastbreak since 2004, you haven't really seen other guys on the Heat have the opportunity to throw alley-oop passes, so you might have been thinking, like, "Hey, maybe there is something tricky about it that doesn't translate, maybe it's a lot harder than it looks..." But then unheralded rookie Norris Cole comes to the team, and he's noted more for his scoring than his point guard skills, yet, immediately, every alley-oop he throws is perfect, right on the money, and gets dunked through the basket easily (with one notable exception when he threw a screamer off the board early in the season - but even that was impressive, just for the sheer velocity of it). So, then you are like, "No, I was right before: Mario Chalmers can not throw an alley-oop at all, and he is probably the worst alley-ooper in recorded history." It's to the point that when he gets out in transition, you hope he just pulls the ball back and runs offense (in Casa Dos, when he's out in transition, we just go, "ohhhhhhhhhh," until something happens). Or hope that he punts it into the crowd - set the defense!

3) Quick question: In pre and post game interviews, what is up with Coach Spo's shirt sleeves? He is always wearing a suit jacket, but his sleeves never show. Never - never, not one time. Are his sleeves too short, or are they rolled up inside his jacket? Or is he cutting his button-down off at the sleeves to show off his guns, like Stone Cold Steve Austin, if I knew at all who Stone Cold Steve Austin was, which I obviously don't because wrestling is for backwoods rubes...

4) Okay, so back to the siesta, which I believe means "party" in Spanish. So New Orleans has this rookie center named Gustavo Ayon, and he is from Mexico. Nice country, Mexico. I had never seen him play before, I don't even know if he went to American college - I just looked up his stats, he's already 26, so the future is "ahora" for Senor Ayon. Anyways, he was playing in garbage time, which was essentially the entire second half, and he made a couple of shots, was in there fighting with the Miami backups, and then he flipped in a nice little jumper, and I, very magnanimously in my opinion, commented, "Hey, this Mexican guy is pretty good!" M.Minutos didn't like it - felt that "this Mexican guy" was an inappropriate way to describe him: "He has a name, you know." Well, I see her point, and anyways, a minute later, when Eddy Curry caught the ball down on the block and faked Ayon right out of his pancho, leading to an easy deuce, I wish I hadn't made the comment at all. Gracias, M.Minutos, for helping me to see the light.

5) Well, it's over! It's all over! And guess who the 2012 "Hot Seconds With Jax" champ is? The longest of shots (in my mind), Mr. LeBron James! As we pointed out a couple of blogs ago, LeBron absolutely murdered his three questions, and recorded the only perfect score of the season. Defending champ Mike Mil-lar came up short tonight when it turned out he knew absolutely nothing about geography whatsoever (didn't know what made the Black Hills in South Dakota - where he's from - black; could only name two of the world's oceans).  I, for one, could not be more stunned! LeBron is the very last guy on the roster I would have picked to win it. As has been pointed out in this blog many times, I am never more surprised than when LeBron knows anything that a normal person knows. Not because he is dumb, at all - only because I imagine him as a basketball playing cyborg who isn't programmed to have outside thoughts.  The latest LeBron-ism that stunned me was just yesterday, when it was revealed that he rode his bike from his home in Coral Gables to the arena, in order to avoid the traffic jams caused by the marathon run in downtown Miami yesterday.  How is it possible that LeBron knew how to get to the arena from his house? And I know it is only like 5 miles. How did he know there was a marathon going on in Miami? How did he know where to buy a bicycle? Where did he learn to ride a bicycle, for that matter? All things that I would imagine that LeBron has never had to worry about. This in spite of everybody who works for the Heat always pointing out how engaged LeBron is; in spite of me following his twitter feed and knowing that he seems to always be watching sports, or commenting on other large news stories; in spite of me seeing dozens of interviews with him the past couple of years where he repeatedly demonstrates a solid knowledge of the world around him (while I am continually stunned that he knows Jason Jackson's name). "You know what?" The Captain pointed out today, "Maybe you are the one who has no idea what is going on around him!" Honestly - I think that's probably true. In any case, you are the champ, LeBron, you are smart, and I exhort you!

6) Bieber was at the game. I don't have Bieber Fever, but I do like talking about it. In any case, let's rank the greatest teen idols of all-time. First: Leif Garrett. So beautiful and delicate as a teenager, almost feminine with his leonine grace. Last: Danny Bonaduce. The end.
---
We're off tomorrow, then back on Wednesday in - oh, no - Milwaukee. That's still the worst game of the year we've played, a loss to Milwaukee. They are the new Bobcats: you don't score; they don't score; nobody scores! And, just like the Bobcats, they have Steffan Jackson! So much fun! By the way, don't get too excited, I mean you still need to get through the rest of the week, but I'll be slow-roasting a pork butt on Superbowl Sunday, and then writing about it here on the blog. Also thinking about live-tweeting the roasting process.  Remember, don't get too excited, focus on the week, and Wednesday we'll give you a little sneak preview of what's ahead here, pork-wise. Adios!
-----

Heat 97 Bulls 93

2012-01-29T17:13:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Wow, what a donnybrook! For an early season game, that was pretty intense - the Bulls play every possession of every game all season long like it's their last. It wasn't particularly well-played, and it was pretty poorly officiated, but the Heat survived a few bad offensive possessions late, two missed LeBron free throws, and two absolutely bizarre calls in the waning moments to win at home. What did we learn about the two teams? Nothing! Just like the regular season games last year won by Chicago. We already knew these were the best two teams in the East, by a mile, and they still are. Let's go!

2) LeBron was pretty amazing, right up until the moment with less than a minute to go, up two, when he missed two free throws (right after Derrick Rose had missed two of his own). Still, LeBron scored 35 on 12-23, had 11 rebounds, and 5 assists. Also, jumped over a guy (John Lucas) and dunked! Even more importantly, with Miami struggling to stop Derrick Rose halfway through the fourth quarter, they switched LeBron on to him, and shut him down. Rose stopped driving with the bigger LeBron on him, and Miami was able to regain some control defensively in the halfcourt. This is the same thing that happened in the playoffs last year - Derrick Rose is a phenomenally willful scorer. But LeBron is six inches taller than him. When a game gets in to crunch time, the odds favor Miami, because LeBron can check Rose, but Rose can't check him. Size counts.

3) Most interesting thing to come out of the game: the Bulls, who pride themselves on being absolutely relentless defensively, played a lot of zone against Miami. This was super-odd. A good defensive team - and Chicago is the best - is playing zone anyways. It's not like Richard Hamilton is guarding Dwyane Wade, and there's no help, and if Dwyane gets by him, it's an automatic layup. Big guys are always help-conscious on a good defensive team - that's zone. In the first half, they abandoned it pretty quickly when Mike Mil-lar hit a triple, then Dwyane Wade cut into the zone's middle, got a pass from LeBron, and found a cutting Joel Anthony for free throws. In the second half, the Bulls went to it again, with similarly disappointing results. It was weird to see such a fierce, proud defensive team go to a defense which, essentially, is for girls. I'm guessing that (virulent homophobe) Joakim Noah suggested it.

4) Best play of the game: you mean besides when LeBron jumped over another 6' human being and dunked? Probably when after LeBron missed his second free throw inside of a minute to go and Dwyane Wade slapped the offensive rebound to Chris Bosh, while one of the refs blew his whistle because the Bulls bench was calling a timeout (which is against the rules since they didn't have, you know, the ball), and then the refs huddled and decided that instead of Miami ball, there would be a jump ball at center court with like 20 seconds to go and Miami leading by 2. Both teams could select anyone to jump - LeBron went to jump, Dwyane and Chris Bosh (great game: 24 and 12) stood in behind him, and all three of them told Mario Chalmers, the Heat's best free throw shooter, to go stand fifteen feet behind Dwyane and Chris, who obviously planned to serve as a shield, and for LeBron to tap the ball hard back to the wide open Chalmers. Meanwhile, the Bulls are trying to decide whom to have jump, and there was general jostling going on, and Emcee Chalmers kept walking back up to the circle. And each time, Dwyane AND Chris AND LeBron would point farther back, and be like, "No, stay back there, LeBron is going to tap it back to you," and Chalmers would go back there, but then he would come back up towards the circle and be, like, "How about up here," and they would be like, "NOOOOOO!!!" Finally, he went back there, LeBron won the tap easily, and hit it right to Chalmers, who got fouled. LeBron and Dwyane and Chris never actually do anything collectively. You'll see Dwyane and LeBron talk a lot on the court, and Dwyane will talk to Chris a lot, but LeBron doesn't talk much to Chris, and the three of them never all talk. This time, they all talked, designed a strategy in crunch time, and then couldn't get it implremented because Mario Chalmers wouldn't listen to them! LeBron, Dwyane, and Chris: Next time you make a collective effort to design a key play in crunch time, don't prominently involve Emcee Chalmers! Emcee: when LeBron AND Dwyane AND Chris tell you to do something? Just do it! That should clear things up. (epilogue: this led to another insane call - Chalmers missed the second free throw and in the loose ball scrum, Derrick Rose grabbed the ball while staggering backwards, went about 8 steps without dribbling, and then was awarded another timeout - these refs loved giving the Bulls timeouts! - then he went down to the other end, shoved Udonis Haslem to the floor with a shoulder, missed an eight-footer, and we won. The End!)

5) How your eyes (and emotions) can lie to you: Great friend of the blog Snets and I were emailing after the game. We both felt like the Bulls dominated the glass, killed us on second chances, and that this is continuously happening to us this season. At one point in the third quarter, ABC showed the offensive rebounding totals: Miami 6, Bulls 6. If you had asked me at that moment, I would have guessed: Miami 6, Bulls 60. And I felt we got pummeled on the glass down the stretch, too. But the final totals? Miami 12 offensive rebounds (13 if you count the one Dwyane and Chris yanked which got wiped out by a phantom timeout); Chicago 12 offensive rebounds. Miami 48 total rebounds, Chicago 47. I think an offensive rebound is so discouraging: you play tough defense, you get a stop, then the other team gets another chance, and you are like, "Je-sus." (Or, "Dammit, Chris!!!!") But when your team gets an offensive putback, you are like, "Yeah, why wouldn't we do that? No big deal." So you feel like you are getting killed there, but you aren't. Something to keep an eye on.

6) Movie review: "Ideas of March." Wait, what? Oh, "Ides of March." Review: Ryan Gosling! RYAN GOSLING! The end!
---
Back at it tomorrow against New Orleans. If you need me before then, I'll be re-creating Emcee Chalmers' refusal to go where LeBron, Dwyane, and Chris were telling him to go, with M.Minutos as LeBron, O.Minutos as Dwyane, and poor P.Minutos as Chris. Starring me as Emcee Chalmers, the role I was born to play (by the way, I've already done this six times, and the game only ended an hour ago)! See you tomorrow!
-----

Heat 99 Knicks 89

2012-01-27T21:44:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Fun! Finally! Wade was back and the Knicks were in town! All the slogging through the midwest against mediocre teams - that's not fun. This is fun! Get some!

2) People around the Heat have been saying for days that Miami held Dwyane out longer than they had to, and that he would be healthy and bouncy when he came back, not laboring on a sore ankle. So, right from the start, you wanted to see how he looked, see if he could run and jump freely, something he couldn't do in the west coast games he played before sitting down. This is how he looked: instantly stole the ball from Amare Stoudamire, steamed down the court at 90 miles an hour, and lofted an alley-oop for a crushing slam by LeBron; then cut down the lane in the halfcourt, received a pass from James, and reverse dunked; then came down the right wing in transition, Euro-stepped inside of Landry Fields, and backhand Euro-dunked it on him; then picked off a cross-court pass, and flew in for another dunk. All in the first five minutes! I guess he's okay! 28, with 5 steals and 2 blocks for Dwyane. He lifted everyone's energy, if only because they didn't have to do as much. LeBron still looked tired, but to his credit, made an effort to lower his head and barrel to the basket, especially in the fourth quarter: made 9-10 free throws, scored 31 points on only 18 shots, 8 rebounds, and 7 assists. He's a decent second option.

3) I feel like I have never seen a team shoot as many threes in a game as the Knicks did tonight. You know why? Because no team has ever shot as many threes in a game as the Knicks did tonight!!! The Knicks launched a mind-boggling forty-three triples against Miami, making 18 - both Miami opponent records. For three quarters, they were ridiculously hot, and it allowed them to hang around, despite the Dwyane and LeBron Dunk-tacular going on at their defensive rim. Fringe-y wing Bill Walker, in particular, was unconscious: made 7 of 10 from deep, including three in a row early in the third quarter, including one off a screen, backing up, turning the wrong way, never seeing the basket. They went icy in the fourth quarter, and had nothing else to go to with their one big-time halfcourt player, Carmelo Anthony, out. Before the game, Johanna Gomez asked Knick center Tyson Chandler what the team would be missing without Anthony, who isn't exactly noted for his defensive effort, or his passing: "He gives us so much on both ends," claimed Chandler with a straight face. Did he mean in the different halves? Like a lot of shooting at one end in the first half, and then another barrage of shots at the other basket in the second half? Or did he mean, like, shooting and dribbling?

4) Play of the game: well, I might be biased, but for me it was when former Heat great Mike Bibby hit back-to-back threes in the second quarter. I tried to keep it low, because I didn't want to upset M.Minutos, but I was cheering inside. Unfortunately moments later, Bibs caught a pass outside the line again, upfaked, took a hard dribble, and zipped a pass...right into the Knicks' bench. Don't try to dribble, Mike Bibby!!! Oh well. Also, got a thrill in the opening moments of the game when the camera surveyed the Knicks bench and I saw Bibby - sitting right in the same spot where he threw the towel and made Derrick Rose miss a free throw, my favorite moment of last season! I miss you, Mike Bibby! Please come home!

5) Late in the first quarter, the Heat had the ball out of bounds on the side in their own end with about 5 seconds to go. LeBron was going to receive the inbounds pass - Mike Miller came running back into the area to potentially set a back screen for LeBron to spring him up court. I could see combative referee, Joey Crawford, who loves to give players quick technical fouls, then challenge them to fight, eyeing Miller (yes - physically fight - this is the referee! the league once fired him for it, then re-hired him! why wouldn't they?). "Don't do it, Mike," I beseeched him, knowing Crawford was dying to call a bizarre illegal screen foul, then glare defiantly at Miller. Miller suddenly realized the same thing and retreated. LeBron threw the ball back to Miller, who dribbled it out of bounds as time expired. "Whew, that was close - you know that Crawford makes that call, then t's up Miller, then the Knicks make the technical free throw and hit a three at the buzzer! We just saved four points," I told M. Minutos triumphantly, "Crawford lives for that call - we'd actually be better off just punting the ball into the crowd rather than try that play!" This brings up a good point. Over the course of 82 games, then another 15-20 playoffs games, I probably call for the Heat to punt the ball into the crowd somewhere in the neighborhood of 600 times. Like, if LeBron throws a fastball to a cutting Joel Anthony, and he doesn't handle it cleanly, I'll be, like, "LeBron - next time, instead of doing that, just turn around and punt the ball into the upper deck. At least that way we can set our defense, instead of having the other team run out." M.Minutos? Not a fan of punting the ball into the crowd as a strategic move: "You'd be the worst coach ever," she pointed out for the approximately six thousandth time in our eighteen year relationship, "I mean, you'd be advocating guys to punt the ball into the crowd; you'd sub guys in and out of the game every time they threw an errant pass; you'd cut guys at halftime; and you would have murdered PJ Brown halfway through his first season in Miami. You'd be terrible!" My defense? I like to think outside the box...

6) We get a lot of emails here at Dos Minutos, but this was one of the best:

Hi,

I'm Amber Paley, owner of http://www.nursinghomeabuse.net, an educational resource for nursing home abuse. As you have a related site, I would like to write a guest post for your website http://miamiheatdosminutos.blogspot.com.

I am happy to write a unique article on any topic you suggest. In exchange, I would just ask to add a link to my website below the guest article.

If you have any article suggestions that you would like me to write or just prefer me to come up with one on my own, I would be happy to do so. Your article will be unique and not used on any other website.

Thanks so much, and look forward to hearing back :)

Amber Paley

Look – occasionally making fun of Juwan Howard's age does not count as “nursing home abuse.” You can go to hell, Amber Paley!

---

Another fun one coming on Sunday: at home for the Bulls, and their openly homophobic center Joakim Noah. Always great to play an opponent who mixes effort and intensity with hatred for LGBT community! If you need me before then, I'll be putting on my headband, getting in even worse shape than I already am, and launching stationary threes in my driveway, in honor of Mike Bibby! Let's get pasty!

-----

Heat 101 Pistons 98

2012-01-25T20:28:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Oh, my. Where is Dwyane Wade? This is why I'm retiring when Dwyane Wade retires, if not sooner. This is no fun at all. Even winning isn't that fun without Dwyane.

2) In fairness to LeBron, he looks positively gassed. For two straight weeks, with Dwyane out, he's carried a huge, huge chunk of the team's load. He has to create most of the offense; he has to finish a good chunk of the offense; he has to get everyone else involved; he has to defend; and he has to rebound. For the second straight night, he didn't have his legs, but made just enough plays at the end to win the game: lowered his head and charged to the basket, getting to the line and making six straight free throws; and twice found Chris Bosh at the rim with brilliant passes leading to two hoops in the waning moments. And, he played the entire second half - team needed him. But, up one, with 20 seconds to go, in space dribbling up top against 6'9" 165 pound Austin Daye, who had tackled him on his three previous drives, to suddenly decide to rise up and shoot a triple off the dribble was pretty much mindless stupidity, and incredibly frustrating. It was the exact opposite of what I think we all wanted him to do. Miami got a stop, LeBron made two more free throws (capping a 13-14 night at the line), and the Heat escaped with a win. He had solid numbers: 32 points on 20 shots, 7 assists, and 6 rebounds, but he's clearly a little worn down. Probably could use a few days off. If you watched the last two nights, you know why he needs Dwyane. But Dwyane doesn't need him. All Dwyane needs is UD and me! Although, more down on that in #4 (but, shhhh, keep it quiet).

3) Chris Bosh, for the second straight night, was absolutely fantastic. Scored 17 in the fourth quarter last night, and opened the first quarter in this game 6-6 for 13 more. 30 points in a half of basketball for LeBosh! Cue the "La" Bosh jokes! He finished with 27 points on 15 shots, and up one on the last possession, played good d and forced a tough miss out of Greg Monroe in an iso. These last two games have probably been the best Chris has looked in a Heat uniform. The shots are going in - that's one thing. But it is the assertiveness of the shots, and the prudent mixing in of drives, which has been so impressive. This is more like the player he was in Toronto - get the ball, create a shot.  Unlike LeBron, he doesn't look too tired, and I don't think he needs any special extra rest.  You don't get as tired when you neither run, nor jump.

4) (Shhhhhh - I'm going to tell you something, but you have to promise to keep it a secret. I'm putting it in parentheses so casual bystanders can't see it..Promise not to tell? Okay: Udonis Haslem has been atrocious all season long. His rebounding numbers look great, but it's more a function of the Heat's lack of other big men who rebound than it is an indication of how he's played. His legs look gone - he can't jump. He can't finish shots at the rim, he hasn't made a jumper all season, and he has trouble protecting the rim defensively. This is bad. This is very bad. Shhhhhh.)

5) Checking in on Shane Battier's latest activities: first, he announced on Twitter last night that he will be going to the Jimmy Buffett concert at The Trip Saturday night, but that he won't be drinking at it. That is pretty much the opposite of what he should be doing, that's 0-2 where I come from. Second, Heat reporter Brian Windhorst reported on the Jorge Sedano Show this morning that when the team flies after a game, Shane wraps himself in a tight compression suit so that his joints don't swell up. Offfff course he does, I could have told you that without a doubt, that's a no-brainer. Back to the Buffett thing for a minute. Is it possible that Battier is gaming us, that the whole thing is a bit of a put on? I mean no player ever in the history of the NBA, at least not a useful one, has ever liked Jimmy Buffett. And it's one thing to be unique, I mean it's absolutely cool to be different (not for me, of course, but for others), but specific to Jimmy Buffett, you really, really have to despise music to like Jimmy Buffett, and I don't feel that Battier has that level of hatred in him. I don't know, I think it all may be a big ruse, that the whole NBA-nerd thing is totally calculated and deliberate. M.Minutos says, No - it's Shane Battier.  She makes a good point. Tough call.

6) Not many things we have written at this blog have ever generated as much response as our review of the great Robin Williams film Awakenings. Some people - the smart ones - agreed with the review. Others thought we were a little harsh on Robin Williams. Several thought it was stupid to write that much about Robin Williams - those people are clearly insane. However, two separate people wrote in to point out that Robin Williams is not Jewish, and the blog inaccurately claimed that he was. First of all, to you two readers, Robin Williams, and Christians everywhere, I apologize for threatening your very beings by incorrectly painting someone with the scarlett "J." Didn't mean to offend: Shabat Shalom, I write in peace...Second of all: what? You have to be kidding me! Robin Williams is not Jewish? I googled it, and the very excellent and well-written Wikipedia article on him claimed that not only is he Christian, but he isn't even from New York, he's from Detroit! What the...? What the hell is he acting like that for?...Third of all, I mean, if Robin Williams isn't a Jew from New York, if people from other parts of the country can act exactly authentically like a Jew from New York, we have to question all the anti-Semitic stereotyping we've been doing all these years, don't we? This changes everything we know and think about Robin Williams, doesn't it? I mean, besides the crappy acting and comedy - that's absolutely still the same...Fourth of all, he is from Detroit, and he attended high school at Country Day, a prep school in suburban Detroit. Know who else went there? All-time NBA great power forward Chris Webber.  Know who else went there? Shane Battier!!! OF COURSE HE DID!!! THIS IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY A JOKE, AND WORLDS, TERRIBLE WORLDS, ARE COLLIDING!!! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!!!
---
Don't have anything else to say. Friday vs. Knicks. Let's get it.
-----

Heat 92 Cavs 85

2012-01-24T21:09:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) The NBA, it's not all glamour, and dunks, and alley-oops, and groupies, and whatnot. Sometimes it is a sloggy mid-week game at home against an undertalented but spirited Cavaliers squad, coming off a terrible loss to Milwaukee, with Dwyane Wade still out nursing a sore foot, and LeBron suffering through one of his two or three games a year where he isn't at least "very good" (and still, it was 18, 5, 5 - for some players, that's "great"). And nobody's feeling it, and you just want the Cavs to roll over and die, but they won't, and you get ahead by 6, but they hit a triple, then you get ahead by 6 again, and you get the ball, but somehow you dribble it off your own ear, and they get it, and hit another triple. Sometimes it just goes like that...AND THEN THE MAITRE D' CHRIS BOSH STARTS RAINING IN BASKETS FROM ALL OVER THE COURT IN THE FOURTH QUARTER INCLUDING BACK-TO-BACK A TRIPLE FROM THE CORNER AND THEN A DRIVING AND-ONE HOOP TO PUT THE GAME AWAY FINISHING WITH 17 IN THE FOURTH AND 35 IN THE GAME ON ONLY SIXTEEN SHOTS AND I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CONSISTENTLY DEFENDS HIM AGAINST THE BARRAGE OF CRITICISM CONSTANTLY THROWN HIS WAY YEAH BOY YOU RUN TELL DAT C'MON!!!

2) Whew...This here at # 2, this isn't even a joke, this is real. Johanna Gomez, the backup Heat sideline reporter - actually, at this point is Jax even a "sideline reporter?" Not really - he's more like the "host of the evening," and JoGo is the sideline reporter. Anyways, JoGo, she is super cute, and always smiling, and likable, but you haven't always felt that she exactly knows a ton about basketball, and it can result in some odd questions, especially in the pre-game interviews with opposing players that she now does. But today, I noticed, was her best interview ever, with Cavs forward Anderson Varejo. She sounded confident, asked him a good question about mentoring some of the younger players on his team, and then asked him a super-solid question about whether he has any family in Miami, since he's Brazilian - you could tell he liked that, he lit right up, and explained how his girlfriend is from Miami, how he spends every summer here, and how he had been out to dinner last night with her family at iconic Miami Beach restaurant Prime 112. That was seriously a great job by her. It made me wonder: do other teams put as much time into the production value of the broadcasts as Miami does? I see a lot of NBA games year-to-year, and I don't think so. And you can laugh about Tony Fiorentino being a homer, or Eric Reid obsessing over insignificant Heat record book minutiae, but, honestly, collectively they are putting on a pretty good show each night. And tonight, better than the Heat and Cavs did!

3) Staying with our "Tribute to Sunsports" theme, in the second quarter Eric recounted a pregame conversation he had with forward Omri Casspi, in his first year on the Cavs after being traded from - oh, no - Sacramento! "Tony, he told me he is happy to be in Cleveland after spending his first two seasons in Sacramento," Eric enthused. Look, Eric's a empathetic guy, and he doesn't want to see anyone ever have to spend any amount of time in Sacramento. It is the one place on Earth he despises - really, traveling to Sacramento is the only aspect of broadcasting Heat games that I have ever heard he and Tony express any displeasure with at all. Last year, if you remember, as if they didn't hate Sacramento enough already, a marathon routed right past their hotel woke them up too early in the morning. This year, the only positive element to come out of the lockout is that the Heat do not play a game in Sacramento. So, to be honest, I don't know if Omri Casspi was merely being polite when he said he loved being in Cleveland instead of Sacramento, but I do know if you put put Eric Reid in that spot, he'd happily spend a thousand freezing winter days ice fishing on Lake Erie before he'd spend a pleasant summer's evening in Sacramento. I'm just saying...

4) Cleveland's rookie point guard Kyrie Irving was the # 1 overall pick in last summer's draft. I thought he looked good. He isn't hyper-athletic, but he clearly knows how to play, and since an injury in his only year at Duke limited him to just 11 games, he didn't have the time to develop the awful habits resulting from horrific coaching that most Duke players suffer from when they enter the league. He had 17 points, 4 assists, and 4 rebounds, and I think he is already clearly the Cavs' best player. Still, inevitably, halfway through the first quarter he drove the lane, tried to shoot a runner, and plowed over fellow Duke alumnus Shane Battier, committing an offensive foul. Of course he did - Battier lives for moments like this. The only question was how it took five minutes for that to happen - the over/under was set pre-game at 90 seconds.

5) Well, he might have been sub-par on the court tonight, but there was absolutely nothing sub-par about LeBron James' performance on "Hot Seconds with Jax" because he absolutely killed it. Nailed the two point question about the dollar menu at McDonald's: onion rings - they aren't sold at McDonald's. (Where all the people who claimed LeBron would never recover, marketing-wise, from The Decision, by the way? Man, they were spot-on - you can't turn on the tv without seeing a national ad with LeBron in it.) Then nailed the three pointer: how many Superbowls have his favorite football team, the Dallas Cowboys, won? (five) At this point, M.Minutos groaned and predicted that not only was LeBron going to run the table and win the game show, but that she knew she should have predicted he would win (she guessed Eddy Curry). I pointed out that was an easy supposition to make when he had nailed the first two with ease, but she ignored me, and was proven right when LeBron hammered the third question, too: Name 5 English Premier League soccer teams? (Man U, Man City, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool) Still had 11 seconds to go - that's going to be a tough score for anyone to beat. While M.Minutos professed her faith in LeBron, it was stunning to me. For some reason, I am constantly surprised when LeBron knows anything about anything that a "normal" person knows. I think he's a reasonably bright guy, it just seems like he would be so busy being LeBron James that he wouldn't have time to know about other things. For instance, even though he has been on the team for a year and a half, and everyone in the Heat organization praises his easygoing, friendly nature, I am always flabbergasted that he knows Jax' name during postgame interviews. Sometimes he calls him "Jason," sometimes he calls him "Jax-" to me, it seems like LeBron would call him "Man" to his face, and then if he ever had to reference Jax to another person, would be, like, "You know, the happy dude who does the interviews after the games." This is all my own shortcoming as a human being, not LeBron's, obviously - I can't remember anyone's name, and I don't have anyhing to do but write this stupid blog. So this is a humbling night for me - I have to acknowledge that not only is LeBron very aware of what goes on around him, he might be the most aware person on the entire team! You are skilled at "Hot Seconds with Jax," LeBron. I exhort you!

6) I have never in my life been happier than when, after a long day at Dos Minutos Int’l HQs, I returned to Casa Dos yesterday to find that amigos de la blog BH and TAZ had mailed me a blue ray copy of the classic Robin Williams film Awakenings, also starring Robert De Niro. I believe that I recently cited the movie while excusing a disengaged performance by LeBron James – I felt it was possible he had willed himself into a coma to escape Chris Bosh’s putrid play that evening, much like in Awakenings, when DeNiro puts himself back under to free himself from the constant overwrought acting of Williams. Let’s be clear: this isn’t the best Robin Williams movie. That, of course, is Patch Adams. How do we know this? Because Patch Adams is the best movie ever filmed! In that one, a forty-eight year old Williams enrolls in medical school and instantly declares that he doesn’t need to study biology, chemistry, or any scientific field of any kind, because the best cure for illness is, obviously, laughter. Thus, he dons a stupid clown nose, and despite continual reprimands from the administration to cease and desist, repeatedly sneaks into the children’s cancer ward at the university hospital and yucks it up with the unfortunate cancer patients. Bad enough they have cancer –now they are continually exposed to Williams' endless asinine behavior in the middle of the night. You can see the kids praying for the sweet release of death. Meanwhile, he falls in love with another medical student, who appears to be, conservatively, thirty years his junior. Also, she’s extremely attractive, and he looks like a middle-aged, Jewish werewolf. But, you know, whatever. Finally, because he simply won’t study at all, and then constructs a giant anus over a doorway welcoming a visiting conference of proctologists – and then is stunned when they don’t think it is funny – he is expelled from the school. So, he decides to open a hospital out in the woods somewhere, which he stocks by stealing supplies from the university. Of course he does – who wouldn’t? His girlfriend works at the clinic with him. Apparently laughter is not the best cure for mentally-deranged, homicidal patients, because he tries to help a guy like this at the makeshift hospital, it doesn’t work – surprisingly, because he’s not even a doctor, let alone a psychologist - and the mentally deranged guy flips out and murders Williams’ girlfriend. Of course, this leads to some deep introspection on Williams’ part, like: “Hey, you know what? Maybe I should leave practicing medicine to the, you know, doctors.” But then, after much thought, and a conversation with his arch-rival, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, he decides, “No, that’s insane - I’m going to continue to practice medicine without a license and steal supplies from the school.” Finally, he gets brought up on charges by the state, or the school, or someone, and he pleads his case by marching in the cancer kids to demonstrate how much better he has made their lives, although as far as we all know, they still have cancer. And somehow, the governing board of whatever body is trying him decides, “You know what? He’s right. He definitely should be practicing medicine, no matter what!” And he goes on to have a long career being a doctor in the backwoods of West Virginia , I believe. By the way, this movie is based on a true story – it is totally unbelievable to me, except for the part where the state of West Virginia let someone practice medicine for thirty years without a license – that’s totally plausible. To his credit, the real-life Patch Adams says: “I hate this movie.”

Awakenings is based on the true story of former Orlando Magic shooting guard Nick Anderson. In the 1995 NBA Finals, Anderson, a good player, missed four consecutive free throws to blow Game 1. The Magic would eventually get swept by the Houston Rockets, and Anderson’s career began a downward spiral. He could no longer make a free throw, as some kind of post-traumatic free throw stress disorder enveloped his brain – it reached the point where, through the first half of the 97-98 season, he was averaging only 6.5 points a game, and shooting a mind-bogglingly atrocious 36% from the free throw line. He was on his way out of the league. But suddenly, out of nowhere, after years in the wilderness, the fog lifted, and Anderson suddenly caught holy fire, and was one of the best players in his basketball over the second half of that season, averaging almost 23 points and shooting 67% from the line. It culminated in an all-time dramatic victory in Orlando over a Shaquille O’Neal-led Lakers squad, after O’Neal had bailed on Anderson and the Magic for the west coast. Three weeks earlier, before the revival, Anderson had scored no points at all in a game in LA. In front of a national tv audience in Orlando, he scored 30 points, had 8 rebounds, and was the best player on the floor. For those two and a half months, he was an early-day Dwyane Wade prototype – all athletic mid-range game, getting to the line, rebounding, and making winning plays all over the court. And then, just like that, “poof” – it was gone. He came back the next year, and wasn’t the same – his shooting percentages faded, he was no longer an effective player, and never was again. One of weirdest sagas in NBA history.

In the film Awakenings, Anderson is played by Robert DeNiro, a super-odd choice, and the film is repositioned from mid-late 90s Central Florida to “olden-times” New York (you can tell by the knickers and caps). Instead of an NBA basketball player, DeNiro plays a post-encephalitis, semi-comatose, mental ward patient, and Williams, reprising his role from Patch Adams, is his doctor. Though he has been hired to be a caretaker for a group of patients who are virtually motionless and utterly non-communicative, Williams embarks on a mission to break down the walls between the patients’psyches and the outside world. He makes an accidental breakthrough when he realizes that an elderly woman who responds to absolutely no stimulae whatsoever can catch any object thrown in her direction no matter how hard, or how errant, the throw is. Not only that, so can all of these patients – there is a scene in which, still totally unresponsive to any other outside source, a group of patients play a robust game of volleyball in which the ball never even once comes close to touching the ground. These patients are like the Heat’s Joel “Butter” Anthony, only the exact opposite. Predictably, a female nurse has the hots for Robin Williams, because he is obviously incredibly good-looking, even with extremely furry hands. Williams tries an experimental drug to bring DeNiro out of his coma. It works – he is suddenly revived, like Nick Anderson, after thirty years of trance-like inactivity, but one suspects that during those thirty years someone has been showing him Al Pacino movies, because after two days, when the hospital staff won’t immediately release him into New York City to fend for himself, he stages a Pacino-esque “At-ti-ca” style uprising with the rest of the patients in an attempt to intimidate the doctors into setting him free. Arguably, the drugs begin to wear off – but it’s unclear whether DeNiro has perhaps tired of Robin Williams’ constant mugging to the camera (mostly overblown sighs, and furrowed brows of intense concentration) and is willing himself back into a vegetative state (which is what I theorized LeBron might be doing a few games ago in response to Bosh’s poor play); or, whether Williams himself grows agitated with DeNiro’s hyper-intense twitching as the drugs start to wear off, and he begins to lose control of his body. Either way, DeNiro slips away back into his impenetrable fog. Williams is sad, for a moment, but as in Patch Adams, he is able to quickly gather himself, and in the ending voice-over tells us that “the human spirit is more powerful than any drug, and that is what needs to be nourished,” as he goes off to nail the nurse who has a crush on him. Uplifting? Definitely. In fact, more so each time I see it. It is easy to blame Williams for how cheesy the film is, but, really, DeNiro is no better. Besides Taxi Driver and Deerhunter, has he ever been in a good movie, if you do not count Mafia movies, which I do not, since they are boring and unwatchable? As I popped it in last night, I was surprised to learn that M.Minutos had never seen Awakenings before – man, was she in for a treat! She claimed that she has heard a doctor named Oliver Sacks, who actually studied these types of patients, on NPR, and so she was familiar with the story. “Plus, I’ve told you about the movie so many times,” I pointed out. “Right, but Oliver Sacks was telling the truth about it.” Oh. Good point…Thanks for the movie, BH and TAZ. Sorry you are reduced to reading this stupid blog for entertainment!

---

Wordy. Tomorrow night, in Detroit, we'll try to be a little less, you know, wordy. If you need me before then, I'll be reading my Strunk and White for tips. Later...

-----

Bucks 91 Heat 82

2012-01-22T19:47:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) What the hell was that? I mean, really, what the hell was that? That was like a wrestling match. The Bucks are limited offensively, I know they have to try to win the games on the defensive end, but that seemed kind of beyond what one would normally expect in a basketball game. There was clutching. There was grabbing. There was clutching AND grabbing. There was elbowing, there was arguing, there was pushing. I mean, that was incredibly, incredibly annoying. The Bucks won - it's good for them, it will be the best win they get all season, I assume - but I think, honestly, we are all losers for having to sit through that. How bad was it?

2) It was so bad that even Mario Chalmers lost his cool. We've seen a lot of wacky things from Emcee over the years, and tonight was not one of his better nights - somehow he kept ending up with the ball late in the shot clock, and made poor decision after poor decision. But one thing you can say about him is that he always keeps a level head - or, at least, whatever passes for level in his cranium. I'm not totally sure what's going on up there. Tonight, late, with the game having pretty much slipped away, Emcee, twice got thrown to the ground in scrums without a foul being called. The second one, a look-away cheap shot by Bucks point guard Brandon Jennings, sent Emcee over the edge. He jumped up off the floor, chased Jennings across the court, and then body-checked him into the crowd. Flagrant foul. And well-deserved.

3) It was so bad, that in the span of 90 seconds in the second quarter, after a series of Carlos Delfino and Ersan Ilyasova tackles on LeBron James, the Heat lost their collective crap. Mike Miller and Joel Anthony got back-to-back technicals arguing fouls and then the Heat bench, and specfically Ron Rothstein got a technical for, I believe, pointing out that Andrew Bogut had pitched a tent under his defensive rim, making it extremely tough to run offense. As a referee, you have to be out of control to t up Miller, Butter, and the bench back-to-back-to-back. It was a young crew: the crew chief Mark Davis isn't one of the more competent refs, and he's got two kids with him (Kane Fizgerald and Josh Tiven). And in fairness to those guys, the Bucks are incredibly difficult to officiate - they zone up in the paint, daring you to call illegal defense, and they contest every bounce of the ball with a bump, or a swipe, or a push. The game is either going to take four hours to play if you call every foul, or it is going to be a rugby match. Or, like, tonight, both! Nice job, kids!

4) How bad was it? No, really, you want to know how bad it was? Heat sideline reporter extraordinaire, Jason Jackson, took a subtle backhanded shot at Bogut and the Bucks in his postgame interview with the affable (off the court) Aussie! He asked Bogut, who had fouled out on a vicious forearm to LeBron's face - should have been a flagrant as well - something like "It's never fun to foul out - was it hard to get a rhythm going with all the fouling out there?" To Bogut's credit, he seemed to be somewhat in on the joke: "We know we are a defensive team." I'll say. I like Bogut, I think if he could escape this depressing, hellhole of a franchise, people would understand how good he is. He isn't, like, "make the Milwaukee Bucks a viable franchise" good, but he could be a starting center on a championship level team, no doubt.

5) Eddy Curry checked in early in the first quarter. He didn't play too well, but he produced a highlight nontheless when Tony Fiorentino, while listing his positive qualities, called him a "space eater." "Space heater?" asked M.Minutos, who must have been distracted by Carlos Delfino's constant tackling of LeBron, "What does that mean?" Haaaa! Eddy Curry, the Space Heater! Cuz he heats up on offense! Cuz he's too hot to touch! Cuz he warms up your cooold winter nights, and makes you feel all warm and cozy in bed!!!

6) Ok, whatever, the Heat lost one game after a supergood week, and I probably jinxed them by going out of town and missing last night's game. I was in Gainesville for the first time, and it is totally, totally awesome. It is a beautiful part of the state, with Spanish moss-y trees everywhere, and hills, and lakes, and a classic college campus, and everyone we met was incredibly friendly. Also, former stomping grounds of Mike Mil-lar and UD! We ate fancy pizza late at night, we snuck on to the football field, we took hokey pictures with the giant Tebow statue, and we watched the UF basketball team beat LSU, even sans Miller and UD! If you ever have a chance to go there, definitely, definitely go. Especially if you are an artist dude who knows who to make giant allligator sculptures - if you know how to do that, this town is for you, you can make a million dollars...
---
We're off just one night, back on Tuesday for Cleveland. Oh, no, not Cleveland - a whole franchise "hates-what-they-did-to-me" game! If you need me before then, I'll be up in Gainesville - I've got an interview, I'm trying to get accepted for the Class of 2017! Go Gators!
-----

Heat 113 Sixers 92

2012-01-22T06:08:00.000-08:00

Heat at Sixers

January 21, 2012

Welcome to the second issue of Deux Minutes I want to first take exception to Senor Dos for taking not very subtle shots of my advanced age. Truth be told I will be 61 on Tuesday but I still wear short pants to work and I still play in a rock and roll band. I have been watching the NBA for many years – and my big bitch is – what happened to the John Stockton shorts – I still wear ‘em or maybe that was Dos’s point – ok Allons-y!

Oh my – what’s with the rainbow coalition uni’s – Wow, they had to be designed by Craig Sager.

A’ight – gotta give props to Chalmers – I put him down last time I did this – maybe he read the blog – but he has looked a lot more mature, a lot more in control and his 3’s have been dropping. Cole on the other hand, not looking as good as he did. I still have high hopes for the rook though. He is fearless – we don’t have to worry about this guy passing up a shot – 7 points in the first half and some decent ball handling – just on the verge of out of control – he’ll get it. We have a keeper. Did you hear what his daughter’s name is?

We got Joel Anthony on Jax’s Hot Seconds – now I first want to dis my fellow World Class Journalist – Mr. Dos – why do you continue to put down my Homey, Joel Anthony – he played a solid first half – No calling him Butter anymore – at least call him Buerre – the guy’s from Montreal for criminiy’s sake. He sucks on Hot Seconds though – he should have called me for a lifeline – I would have got the Canadian questions at least. Jax – and I know you read this – next time call Deux Minutes for Canajun questions And speaking of people who played in Canada – Chris Bosh is carrying the team tonight with a nice 3 and a decent mix of drop step hooks, mid rangers and a drives to the hole.

On the 76’ers side Evan Turner having an excellent game – he learned something over the summer because they were calling him a bust – rookie center Voodoowich or whatever looks like he belongs.

Eric and Tony announcing Joe Paterno has died. What can you say – for all the ugliness coming out of Happy Valley, his resume would indicate he deserved a better end to his life.

When the HEAT have a fast break with LBJ throwing the ¾ court pass to, who? Joel Anthony – yes Joel Anthony - you have to be amazed. I mean WTF – we may never see that again – I’ll always remember where I was this night. He didn’t score but he hit his free throws – come on give the guy his props he was 9 points and 9 boards 3 blocks and I didn’t see him leaking any dairy products the whole game.

LBJ – the guy had a world class game – 28/9/5 but his defense was other worldy – along with 4 steals and 3 blocks the guy just kicked ass on both ends of the court and his strongest offensive quarter was the 4th.

Bench is stepping up – 33 points tonight with some great defense to boot – both Miller and Battier most notably.

Ok – why no Fed Curry tonight – can’t figure that – maybe because Spencer Hawes was out (spooky looking dude) and Voodoowich was hurt later in the game – maybe it’s because he saving his 6 fouls for Andrew Bogut tomorrow night – I would have loved to see him again.

Tony – only 1 Mount Vernon mention tonight – slow night.

Sorry I got nothing to say about the 70’s throwback fro’s wigs that they were wearing – except Mike Miller looked even goofier than normal. There will be more of this nonsense tomorrow night – I’m sure Dos will have something pithy to say about it tomorrow night.

6 games with Wade sitting 6 victories – how do you explain this. I don’t want to be Mr. Obvious but I think that they are simply picking it up, especially Bosh to make up for him. I also think that just generally the team is finding their groove and Wade will only make them that much more deadly. We beat a solid well coached team tonight that had the 2nd best scoring defense. Their previous high for points against was 108 and that was an OT game. I don’t subscribe to the Sir Charles point of view that LBJ regresses with Wade in the game. The rest of the league is taking notice let me tell you – can’t wait to see us against Chicago next week. Hate that team – Hate Rose Hate Noah Hate Oprah. Ok I don’t hate Oprah and I don’t hate anyone but I really dislike that team.

I have been watching the HEAT since the Billy Cunningham days – these last 3 games are the best we have ever looked. Defense – post game, fast break, long range you name it – we even hit our freaking free throws tonight.

Dos went all political on us last game – I’m voting for Jed Bartlett. Finally – and I read this on the internet so it has to be true – what is Rio Chalmer’s daughter’s name – Queen Elizabeth – seriously.
---
Dos says: "How dare you make fun of Spencer Hawes...Spencer Hawes!!! Otherwise, thanks for filling in - job well done!...I'm still in Gainesville, but I may be back for tomorrow night for our game against the Bucks, if I don't enroll in the University of Florida, Class of 2017. This place is like Heaven, but with more alcohol."
-----

Heat 98 Lakers 87

2012-01-19T21:09:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Solid home win for Miami over the Lakers - pushed out by 15 at halftime, and the Lakers never made a run. It says something - good for Miami, I think - that it seemed like a big-game litmus test for the Lakers, and just another game for Miami. LeBron had the flu and looked a little tired, but filled up the boxscore: 31 points, 8 rebounds, 8 assists, 4 steals, and 3 blocks. He went to the mid-post often, created good looks for himself and others, and Miami won easily. By the way, appropriate for LeBron to have a big game during the Heat's first "Back in Black" night of the season, with fresh, new alternate black home unis, and a different player intro video - LeBron is pretty black. No white players allowed for Miami in this game. Except for Mike Mil-lar. Oh, and Battier. Wait, what?...

2) The game was never really close, so the most interesting thing that happened was the first official Eddy Curry sighting for Miami. For those who don't know, Curry was the top pick in the draft by Chicago a decade or so ago, a huge manchild with quick feet and a soft touch. He never had much of an appetite for defense and rebounding, although he did have an appetite for everything else and especially, he claims, Now and Laters, which caused him to balloon up to 400 pounds. That's a lot of Now and Laters. How much does a Now and Later weigh, like 1/100th of an ounce? Anyways, he pretty much ate his way out of basketball - languished on the Knicks bench for the last several seasons before being waived last year. Miami flirted with him down the stretch last season, but never signed him. However, they gave him a make-good contract coming into camp this year, pretended he got injured on the first day of training camp, and then have spent the last month pounding him into better shape, without putting him on the active roster. He is still a big boy, but honestly, doesn't even look like the same person - he's lost somewhere between 70 and 100 pounds. To me, it still seemed bizarre: even in his best seasons, he never really defended or rebounded, and so to me, it seemed like the height of arrogance by my dad, Pat Riley, to take the position that not only was it possible get Curry into basketball shape, but that it was also conceivable to teach him how to play hard, and play proper defense. I have estimated all season long that the odds of Eddy Curry ever contributing anything meaningful to this team were remote. Also, The Captain has been worried for weeks that Curry would land on Mike Mil-lar and break him. Yet, here Curry was, checking into the game in the second quarter, and instantly running a dive to the rim, catching a pass from LeBron, neatly sidestepping a defender in rhythm, and laying the ball in the hoop. There he was grabbing a rebound or two in traffic,and he looked smooth on a pair of free throws. It wasn't all great - he threw an outlet pass away, got caught off-balance on another drive, and didn't make one proper rotation on defense - but in two short bursts contributed 6 points and 3 boards in 6 minutes, contributing in a small way to a win over a pretty good team. He's already exceeded every expectation I had for him! He looked giddy on the bench after his second stint - it can't be easy to lose 100 pounds, and to start back up from the bottom. He should be proud of himself. Also, gives the home crowd something else to do: predictably got the "Ed-dy" chant going two or three times in the six minutes. At some point, we are going to have to have a chant-off between that one, and the "M-V-P" chants for Butter.

3) Best plays of the night: in the third quarter, Laker forward and self-proclaimed tough guy Matt Barnes (a Dos favorite) got out in space, went to the rim, and got his layup slapped out of the air from behind by LeBron. Moments later, Barnes got out again in transition, tried to take it around Joel Anthony, took a quick look back to see if LeBron was charging again, and instead got his shit slapped out of the air by Joel! Butter! M-V-P!!!

4) "Shoot, Kobe, shoot!": Laker guard Kobe Bryant claims to be nursing a sore wrist. I think we all know he's making it up and milking it for everything it's worth ("Kobe is so courageous!"), but let's humor him and go along with his charade for a moment. In a solemn pre-game interview, he told TNT that the sore wrist limits him, and that it is a situation where you "have to figure out what you can and can't do." Can do: Shoot more. And smirk. Can't do: pass to teammates...Kobe had a tough, tough night - he made three straight shots in garbage time to get to 8-21 for 24 points, but he spent most of the game at the elbow, stagnating the Laker offense by forcing bad jumpers over a draped-all-over-him-because-I-have-nothing-better-to-do-and-by-the-way-I-live-for-this Shane Battier. Battier also uncharacteristically quick on the trigger with the threes tonight, fired up seven, six in a short span in the first half (made 3). All the contested missed elbow jumpers by Kobe got him tooooo hype!

5) Speaking of toooo hype, Miami is now 1-0 at home this season when Luda sits directly behind Erik Spoelstra.

6) Quick update on the Republican nomination, Dos-style: My favorite candidate is the handsome young Lake Worth po-lice who doesn’t care where you park your car. He’s not currently campaigning, that I’m aware of, but I’m hoping there is still time. My second preference is Milt Romney, because he was the governor of Massachusetts , and I went to school in Boston , and he seems to have fairly progressive ideas regarding health care and abortion, even though now he says he doesn’t. Not too sure where he stands on parking. The Captain favors Newt Gingrich because he thinks he is the smartest guy running, and has written a lot of books, and has a jaunty, sweeping salt-and-pepper hairdo that The Captain admires (in fairness, he admits that Milt Romney also has great hair). Rick Perry (also, a very nice head of hair, if a little bit of an outdated hairstyle) dropped out today. He probably didn’t have much of a chance to win. He did seem kind of nice, but also, honestly, like a bit of a dope. In the general election, since I’m anti-Al Qaeda, and Obama killed Bin Laden, I’m going Obama. Also, since Obama has been elected, my tires have never been more properly inflated. But you shouldn’t vote for him just because I am going to - hey, if you’re pro-Al Qaeda, absolutely, you have to go Romney – he’s also a good choice, I’m not going to criticize it. …
---
Okay, moving on, next game is Saturday against the superhot Sixers. I'll be out of town in Gainesville for the weekend, so Snets will be back to take you through that game. From what I've heard, he plans to discuss how LeBron James reminds him of Bob Petit, and detail some of my illicit drug use through the years. I should be back for a game against the Bucks Sunday night. If you need me before then, I'll be doing the Gator Chomp! Roll Tide (or something)!
-----

Heat 120 Spurs 98

2012-01-17T20:45:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Mike Mil-lar: Triple. Mike Mil-lar: Triple. Mike Mil-lar: Triple. Mike Mil-lar: Triple. Mike Mil-lar: Triple. Mike Mil-lar: Triple. Did. Not. Hit. The. Rim. Six straight triples in 11 second half minutos as Miami somehow went from seventeen down halfway through the third, to up twenty-eight halfway through the fourth quarter. Let's not go - let's stay right here, just for a minute, and be, like, Damnnnn, Mike Miller!......Okay, now let's go!

2) Rumor was, this morning, that Coach Spo was finally going to activate Miller, out to this point after suffering a hernia and having surgery just before preseason began. The Captain and I have been willing Spo to let him play (Miller has been saying he has been ready for a week or more): "If Spo doesn't put him out there, how is he ever going to get injured again?" I pointed out this morning to Cap that Miller couldn't just go out there and get a "normal" injury. Not after a season which saw him break both thumbs, suffer two concussions in a week's time, and shoulder surgery. "He can't go out there and just sprain an ankle," I told Captain, "I predict a cracked pelvis, or Lyme disease." He can't sprain an ankle? Ohhhh, yes he can - and did! Three minutes into his first stint of the season, in the second quarter, Mike flew through the air on the offensive glass, plucked a rebound out of mid-air, flipped it back out to Emcee Chalmers on the perimeter, and somehow landed with his foot wedged up into the basket stanchion, twisting his ankle back towards the floor, and causing him to limp back down the court, after he got up, which was a good, long while. Also, managed to get the air knocked out of himself twice, once on another offensive rebound, and once when he got okey-doked into the air defensively, and took a hard shoulder to the sternum area. Then he made six triples in a row and the Heat won going away. The end, we all lived happily ever after...

3) Things that only happen when you turn a 17 point third quarter deficit into a 28 point fourth quarter lead: Chris Bosh gets a defensive rebound in traffic (no, seriously, there's more!), spins up court dribbling, crosses the foul line at full-Bosh speed (which is about 60% of a normal person's speed), sees no resistance, keeps going, gets to the foul line area still going full speed, spins through two Spur big men off the dribble, splitting their double-team, elevates with a two-footed power jump while getting tackled from behind by Tiago Splitter, and thunderrrs the ball through the basket! Now I have seen everything. And I mean everything...Like everyone else, Chris had a slow start, and a strong finish. 30 and 8 - all I want him to do is keep shooting. Don't hesitate, just shoot it. Especially with Dwyane out. Just shoot. The Ball. Shoot it. THEY CAN NOT STOP YOU! (just trying to give the kid some confidence - they can probably stop him)

4) So Mil-lar and Bosh were nice, but LeBron won the game. After a sleepwalk of a first half which included 4 more missed free throws, three or four missed layups, one turnover where he threw an entry pass directly to a cutting Matt Bonner, and one skip-pass turnover that he threw seventeen rows up into the stands, LeBron shook off a bleary-eyed cold after halftime and dragged Miami back into the game with a flurry of jump shots, including one stretch with three triples sandwiched around a Chalmers triple (on a pass from LeBron) that pushed Miami out in front, before letting Miller and Bosh stretch it out and bring it home. 33 in only 3 quarters from LeBron. He (and Dwyane) have been so conscious about not shooting threes, about pounding the ball to the rim, that he hadn't really been giving himself a chance to get hot from the outside. Yes, LeBron should attack the rim; yes, LeBron should post up. But he should also shoot jumpers when he is feeling it - his 4-6 from deep seemed to empower Miller and Chalmers, and Miami shot 12-15 from beyond the arc in the second half. Holy Sudafed!

5) This game started when the players milled around before the opening tip, shaking hands, and renewing old acquaintances, except with Spurs starting power forward DeJuan Blair, whom absolutely nobody could possibly like, and referee Kenny "Slick" Mauer called for the official game ball, received a pass from the scorer's table, then spit in his hands and rubbed it all over the ball! What the...?!!! Kenny "Slick" Mauer, what in the hell is wrong with you? This is a league in which the instant someone gets a scratch over the eye, or a hangnail, or sneezes, the refs stop the game, make the offending party go to the bench, change his uniform, get immunization shots, and check his medical records before letting him back on the court. And you are going to start the game by hocking a huge loogie into your hands and rubbing it all over the ball? Before, when Chris Bosh did the whirly-dunk thing, and I said I had seen everything? That was nothing. Now, now, I have seen every-thing!

6) So M.Minutos and I went out to dinner in Lake Worth over the weekend at a small, outdoor gourmet pizza bistro – I had the country ham and fried egg pizza, and a Narragansett beer. As we were walking back to our tweaked-out Prius, two normal-looking dudes had parked their car in what seemed like a legitimate spot on the street – maybe they were sticking out a little too close to the curb, but they didn’t seem to be obstructing anything. As they locked their doors and started to walk away, a young, handsome po-lice came striding by. He wasn’t paying any attention to them, really, but it spooked them – as you know, it is my long-standing theory that the po-lice make almost any enjoyable activity worse. Like, there is no situation in which you are chilling with your friends, having fun, doing whatever, and anyone ever says: “You know what would make this evening even better? If the po-lice showed up!” That never, ever happens. So anyways, these two dudes probably feel like I do, so, kind of in a guilty tone, they go, “Is it okay if we park here?” Personally, I figured the po-lice would probably make them move the car, just on the general principle of acting like a jackapple, but to this po-lice’s eternal credit, he never broke stride, and never even looked at them or their car, but he smiled and called back over his shoulder, “Park wherever you want. Traffic’s not my thing, man. Neither are parking tickets.” What? This po-lice is my hero! You mean it is okay to simply park in a logical spot, where you aren’t obstructing anyone, and everyone can continue on with their lives happily? What is this, America? Yo, everybody here knows I love Milt Romney more- what? – oh, Mitt Romney more than my own dad, but now I’m out on Romney for the Republican nomination, and in on this Lake Worth po-lice! It’s the dawning of a new day in America!!!

---

Next game Thursday, vs. Lakers. Shoot, Kobe, shoot!!! If you need me before then, I'll be at the big liquor store down on the corner seeing if they carry Narragansett beer. Ohhh, that shit was smooth, like Chris Bosh's booty! See you Thursday!

-----

Nuggets 117 Heat 104

2012-01-13T23:13:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) There are a few games every year that are absolute torture to watch - this was the first one of this year. On the third game in four nights, out west, after blowing the first two in overtime because we couldn't make a free throw, at altitude in a building where we haven't won in a decade or so, it was apparent about three minutes into the game that the Heat had no legs, weren't feeling it, and were going to get killed. From that point, the game became a grueling endurance contest of trying to stay awake past 1:30am for the third time in four nights, while being assaulted by extra-long tv timeouts, since the game was also on ESPN. But, at least Dwyane Wade got hurt. Let's speed through this and get to bed!

2) I'm not even sure why Dwyane has been playing the past two or three games. He clearly hasn't felt well enough to move fluidly on his bruised foot, and has looked slow, been a turnover machine, and settled for a lot of bad jumpers. He limped around all night again in this game, before rolling his ankle at some point in the second half. Not sure what quarter - at a certain point I lost focus, watched Beverly Hills Cop during a timeout, and then started wondering why I never thought Eddie Murphy's standup was very funny, while half-heartedly watching the game. What was funny about the "I want some ice cream" bit? What is the joke? All my little friends used to say that over and over. He was a little kid that begged for ice cream - why is that funny? I don't get the joke. Anyways, Dwyane rolled his right ankle, so now he has a hurt left foot and sprained right foot. Still, arguably faster than Shane Battier. We'll see how bad it is - and this time, let's let him get healthy before he comes back. He's either healthy for the playoffs or he's not - can't see how it matters how many games he plays now.

3) Highlight of the game: None. There was absolutely nothing that you could consider a highlight. I mean, maybe - maybe - when Joel "Butter" Anthony won an offensive rebound in a scrum, suddenly had it squirt up out of his hands to the Nuggets, they came down in transition, lost the ball themselves right back to Joel, who promptly had it squirt away from him again, before somehow re-securing it - incredibly - in the crook of the back of his knee. Not sure I've seen that before. Lowlight: when you are out on the road for a long trip like this one, dudes' hair starts to get unkempt and peasy. Dwyane, LeBron, and Pitt, especially, were looking curly, and Butter's baldness was pronounced because the patches where he does have hair had grown in. Let's get peasy!!! Get back to Miami, boys - get back to those barbers!

4) I thought Mario Chalmer actually had a very nice road trip. We say enough mean things about him here - let's give him some credit. He's shooting the ball well, making pretty good decisions, and seems to have matured a little bit. Good job, Emcee. Everyone can blame this blog when we go home and he stinks the joint out next week.

5) In a related story, I believe - and it's hard to tell because Jax does not give standings updates after halftime - that Emcee Chalmer no longer leads this season's "Hot Seconds with Jax." Battier (who else?) matched Emcee's seven points, but I think he did it with a faster time, which would make him the leader in the clubhouse. After I predicted Juwan Howard to win, and M.Minutos went with longshot Eddy Curry, it took us both about three seconds to look at each other and say simultaneously, "Uh-oh: Battier." Battier ripped through all the Duke ACC Defensive Players of the Year in about a nanosecond after using his timeout to think about it - finally, someone else beside Chalmer who knows the rules! I'm already out because Juwan went second and got smoked. M.Minutos and Curry are still alive. I knew, knew, knew I should have asked Jax who won behind M.Minutos' back. I'm not above cheating. By the way, last night, the Heat's resident brainiac, James Jones, did not know who wrote the epic World War II classic novel From Here to Eternity, which, literally, is my favorite novel of all-time. Author? You got it: James Jones. Less well-known: From Here to Eternity's James Jones? Better in space defensively than Miami's.

6) My maternal GPs are here visiting this weekend from the west coast of Florida. GrampsMinutos: 100 years old. GramsMinutos: in her 90s. They are so awesome, and I am so lucky to still have them arond at their - and my - advanced ages. We took them out for Thai food, which they had never really heard of (they're originally from Ohio), and they love Harry S. Truman. He dropped the Big One. After dinner, GramsMinutos attempted to murder M.Minutos by asserting there were no nuts whatsoever in the chocolate chip cookies she had baked and brought with her, only to send M.Minutos into spasms of highly-allergic retching discomfort when it turned out the cookies did, indeed, contain nuts. Well, she's 90, she can't remember everything. Goodnight, and God Bless America, everybody, and especially Douglas Fairbanks Jr!
---
Finally get to play home games next week, at a reasonable hour - 8 of next 9 at home. Tuesday is Spurs (San Antonio, I believe, not Tottenham Hot-), and Thursday is Lakers. Sweet week of games! If you need me before then, I'll be trying to think of anything possible to entertain a 100 year old dude and his 92 year old whippersnapper wife. Tonight me and the boys played them "Back in Black" by AC/DC on our instruments. Not totally convinced that Grams and Gramps are fans...Cheers!!!
-----

Clippers 95 Heat 89 ot

2012-01-11T23:46:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) "Yo, yo, yo, LeBron, nahhh, yo - when everyone said you need to be more aggressive at the ends of games and attack the rim, what they had meant to say was, 'Be more aggressive at the ends of games and attack the rim, and then, when they foul you, make the free throws!' Our bad, our bad - should have made that clear!" LeBron was 9-17 from the line, team was 20-34. He was incredibly aggressive down the stretch, pounding the paint, and taking hard fouls - just didn't make the free throws. For the second straight night, the game was lost because of poor free throw shooting. Say whatever you want - fatigue from the road trip, and back to backs, and multiple overtime games - but whatever, junk happens in the NBA. You make some free throws, you're 10-1. You miss a bunch, you're 8-3. What does it matter, in the end? Not much; but at 1:45am for the second straight night, you'd rather just see the free throws made and win the game.

2) The best and worst thing about the NBA is how emotional the games are...for the fans! Twitter was on the verge of spontaneously combusting as Miami missed all the free throws, and I'll get a gaggle of emails tomorrow to trade LeBron for Mike Beasley. People get frustrated - emotionally frustrated - when their teams lose. The players are generally able to get a better perspective on it. Case in point: with 1:40 left in overtime in what was a close (but very poorly played) game, LeBron stood on the sidelines waiting for the refs to discuss some issue or other - there was a lot of "ref-discussing" tonight. As he did, his former teammate Mo Williams, who claimed he almost had to retire because he was so distraught when LeBron left Cleveland (that is not a joke - he said it, multiple times), sidled over to him, and they shared a short conversation, both of them relaxed and laughing. Fans lose their minds - players play, that's what they do, and they handle the ups and downs of a game, and a season, much more rationally...

3) Play of the game: No doubter, for sure, it was when Coach Spo completely lost his shit when the refs didn't call a foul the Heat tried to give with a few seconds left, down 3. The game was pretty much over at that point, and no one actually did give a definitive foul; Spo was actually mad about a crucial no-goaltending call on DeAndre Jordan about a minute earlier. That was a blown call - okay, it happens, especially on the road, and Spo knows that. But the combination of the no-call, and the missed free throws two nights in a row was enough for Spo, and he charged out on the court and let it all out, getting ejected. Can't remember Spo doing that before - it was funny. Go get'em, Spo!!! Runner-up: also an easy call. It was when, two plays in a row, late in the game, the refs had to go to the monitor to check an out of bounds call, ESPN (also broadcasting the game) somehow didn't have good angles of the plays, and the refs came over to use Eric and Tony's Sunsports monitor. And this was after the refs had to do the same thing earlier in the game. Over the years, there is nothing in an NBA game - not a DWade dunk, not a UD drawn-charge, not winning a title - that makes Eric Reid as excited as getting personally involved in viewing a replay with the refs: "Right there, Wade clearly hits the ball off Jordan," Reid shouted at the refs as they watched the replay with him, "Heat ball!" Eric is the most die hard of Heat fans - he'll take the two straight losses tough. But getting to be involved in three replay calls will definitely take some of the sting out of the night for him.

4) From Snets, via email, regarding last night’s post in which he says we incorrectly characterized his comparison of Heat rookie point guard Norris Cole to one-handed-dribbling, small, white, eighty-year old former Celtic great Bob Cousy:

I never said Cole’s style of play was reminiscent of Bob Cousy – I said he ran with the ball like Bob Cousy – that weird straight up style – I demand a correction.

Oh, yes, I totally see the difference – that’s a lot clearer, I was way, wayyy off! Correction granted! Worth noting: not one of our other readers has ever even heard of Bob Cousy, who retired in like 1962.

5) So it looks like we have a few new readers after Jax repped the blog on tv last night. Just so those new readers know, we don’t usually write a running blog during games like we did last night. That was a one time-change-it-up for a late night, West Coast game. I hated it, so we won’t be doing that again. Usually what we do is offer six thoughts. The first two or three summarize the game, then we usually make fun of Chris Bosh in one, irrationally praise Mario “Emcee” Chalmer(s) in another, and, if we have time, check in on the loquacious Shane Battier’s latest activities. Down in thought # 6, we offer an album review, or answer questions from friends of the blog, or anything else on our mind –there are no rules down there. Just know that it will probably be stupid, and not that entertaining…So, a few long-time friends of the blog emailed to ask if Jax repping the blog was the greatest moment in blog history. Oh, no. It was nice, and I appreciate the love, but I am pretty used to being on tv, believe me. Growing up, MyMommaMinutos was the Executive Director of our small town’s local tv access channel, which beamed out to several hundred households throughout West Hartford, Connecticut . So I’ve been around “the biz” all my life. Still, it’s a great question. Obviously, the greatest moment in the history of this blog was when we reverse-jinxed the Heat into last year’s Finals by writing a blog during the fourth quarter of Game 5 against the Bulls, writing off that game as a loss before it ended, thus spurring the team to one of the most improbable comebacks in playoff history. Runner-up: when we reverse jinxed LeBron onto the team by saying “he is not welcome here.” Second runner-up: when we accused Jax of stealing a turkey during a Heat Thanksgiving charity event, and then he emailed us to say, essentially, “How dare you!” He took it in good spirit (I think). In retrospect, that was wrong. But, man, there was something about the way he was eyeing those turkeys in the halftime video highlights of the event…

6) Both O.Minutos (guitar) and P.Minutos (piano) are taking musical lessons. I was psyched when I returned home from a typically grueling, yet rewarding, day at Dos Minutos International Headquarters last week to discover that O.Minutos had learned the riff to AC/DCs “Back in Black,” which is super-easy to play, and also super-awesome. He is 9, so he has no idea who AC/DC is, but he likes the song, and the three of us can play it together, which is cool (not sure AC/DC utilizes a lot of live keyboards in their songs, but don’t tell P.Minutos that). I had the exact opposite reaction a couple of days ago when I walked in the door, saw P.Minutos tickling the ivories, and then heard the horrific lilting gruel that is Simon and Garfunkel’s “Scarborough Fair” droning insistently from his piano. Oh, my heavens! If I had known there was a chance that one of my kids was going to learn a Simon and Garfunkel song, I never would have let them begin instrument lessons. I wouldn’t have even told them about music in the first place! As I related this story to The Captain back at the safety of Dos M. Int’l HQ’s, he shook his head for the umpteenth time at my hatred for Simon and Garfunkel, in general, and that song, specifically. “Oh, yeah, it’s a real rocker,” I told him. “It’s not supposed to be, it’s a folk song. It’s not a rocker,” he insisted. No...no, it isn’t.

---
It is 2:28 am, that's a wrap. Back Friday night for another late game - balls. That's alright, get them all out of the way early. If you need me before then, I'll be sleeping. Zzzzzzz....
-----

Warriors 111 Heat 106 ot

2012-01-10T23:07:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Tonight's game starts at 10:30 pm. Same thing with tomorrow night's game. Since I don't want to be up until all hours of the night, I am going to ramble some stream of consciousness thoughts quarter by quarter, in #s 2-5. Then, a very brief book review in # 6. Meanwhile, to kick things off, here's what my dad looked like in the 70s.

2) First quarter: Dwyane Wade starting, out last few games with a sore foot. Occurred to me while I was taking a shower this evening -- very, very few people have seen Dwyane Wade play as many NBA games as I have. I bet you I have seen him play more NBA games than my dad, Pat Riley. For sure. Spo has probably seen him play more. Total joy to watch him play so many games -- he's a great player, but he's also a super-entertaining player...Former announcer Mark Jackson coaching Golden State, Stephan Curry out, our old boy Dorell Wright starting at power forward. Miss that kid, although he was a huge tease here. Kwame Brown, the Boy Genius, at power forward...Alley-oooop, Wade sky-high to LeBron!!! Damn!!! LeBron's 18th dunk of season, according to Eric!.. LeBron just got grabbed on a layup, no call, but he made it, Heat 8-2, GSW timeout. LeBron so upset about non-call, Joel Anthony beat him to bench for timeout...Eric and Tony have spent a couple of off days in San Francisco - turns out that's where Golden State is. They love that. Due to lockout, NO TRIP TO SACRAMENTO THIS YEAR!!!...David Lee, GSW pf, is a fucking sieve -- he doesn't even pretend like he's playing defense -- just let LeBron straightline dribble from 20 feet to rim for a dunk...Emcee Chalmers just threw a lob into Dexter Pittman's armpit for a turnover, then next time down court airmailed a cross court pass to LBJ into the 8th row. Ohh, Chalmers! Heat not sharp, GSW 21-18...GSW 27-22 after one q. Dwyane looks fairly bouncy. Chalmers, Bosh, and UD terrible that quarter. Not sure UD has made a jumper yet this season...Need to write less, already tired of this, and it's boring.

3) Second quarter: Chris Bosh has missed 2 uncontested layups and 3 free throws in 13 minutes. It's a "Bosh Spice" night -- so far. Kill'em, Chris!!!...Oh, no, one possession later: now he just bounced a jumper over the backboard! Lord!...GSW coach Mark Jackson told media before game they would be playing some zone, and they have. At least he told the truth, unlike Pacers coach Frank Vogel -- Tony likely still steaming about being lied to...Any time we get called for a defensive 3 second call, like just now, I want to punch the tv -- no team has ever played us straight up,we get zoned all game long. We'd win every game by 30 if teams weren't allowed to sit down in the paint on us...Dwyane has 20 with 5 minutes to go in half, but Heat defense not sharp, look tired in middle game of 5 game road trip, down 3...Norris Cole has passed up two open shots this quarter -- that's two more than he has passed up the rest of the year, combined...We are getting killed on the offensive boards right now -- it's everybody, not just Chris. This never happens in the playoffs, because Dwyane and LeBron rebound, but in the middle of a long road trip, in a meaningless game, they kind of leave it to the bigs, since it's their job, but right now they aren't doing it. David Lee -- that's one thing. But Kwame Brown shouldn't be getting offensive rebounds. Boy Genius! Heat 48-47, 2 mins to go...Miami playing Cole and Chalmers together last couple of minutes, looking a little more active defensively, pushing ball hard...M.Minutos is upset because I am taking the "s" off "Chalmers" while watching the game and calling him "Chalmer." You've got to keep the people guessing - don't want anyone getting too comfortable, and especially not M.Minutos...Norris Cole flying all over the place right now, with decent results - my boy Snets recently compared his style of play to Bob Cousy. Very timely reference from Snets, who is one of my favorite musicans since Benny Goodman...Heat 57-53 at half, did not play well defensively. Dwyane with 20 in 14 minutes, and LeBron with 15 and 6 boards. Norris with 6 and three dimes. Bosh was awful...Just saw an ad for a movie that looks like Top Gun with black people, quickly dubbed "Black Gun" by M.Minutos...I hate writing during the game, I will not be using this style tomorrow night. Back for the second half soon -- it's midnight!..-- JAX JUST NAME CHECKED DOS MINUTOS ON AIR LIVE!!!!!!!!! HAAAAA!!! I'M A HUGE SUNSPORTS TV STAR NOW, LIKE JAX!!! That made me shake my head -- Jax lauded our coverage of "Hot Seconds With Jax," which, admittedly, is somewhat self-serving of Jax!!! Bosh is playing now -- his favorite wedding gift: an Aston Martin from his wife! Wow, she must have a good job!!! Bosh was on Law and Order, needs to name all the franchises for 5 points, can't do it, CHALMER STILL LEADS WITH 7 POINTS!!!

4) Third Quarter: Jax just interviewed Assistant Coach Loc -- only thing better would have been if he just kept mentioning Dos Minutos "Coach Loc -- Dos Minutos is not happy with Chris Bosh's first half play. What can Chris do to clean that up?"...ChalmerChalmer, tripped over Charles Jenkins' feet, but Jenkins fell, Chalmer kept going, eschewed pass to LeBron, finished. Heat by 10...Eric and Tony talking about how they are twitter newbies, but that they are "getting better at it every day." You type a sentence, you press send. "Tony, let's get some more reps in."...Chalmer and Cole back in together again. Off an inbounds, no one guarded Chalmer, he tossed it to LeBron, stepped on to the court, LeBron flipped it back to him, Chalmer made an uncontested 3. Monta Ellis first Warrior to bench in far corner, kind of feel like Chalmer might have been his guy. 3 mins to go in 3q, Warriors no hoops yet (a few free throws), Dwyane with 26, Chalmer is 5-8 for 12, Miami +17...Someone just emailed me and pointed out I will not cover Jax objectively now that he repped the blog on tv. Objectively? I'm calling a guy named "Mario Chalmers," "Emcee Chalmer." This isn't exactly the New York Times...Sloppy play by Miami to end q, a few heat check settles by LeBron after two long jumpers. Heat + 12 after 3.

5) Bosh has now missed 3 uncontested layups and a dunk -- so terrible tonight, lead down to 10...Nate Robinson just threw a 90 mile entry pass off the backboard which led to a run out layup for Wade -- don't see that every day...Wade a couple of bad turnovers, GSW down only 8...Kwame just hurt his shoulder on UD -- fuuucckkk, another missed ft, by UD -- we've missed 12! Heat +9, 6 mins left...Chris, somehow, just turned it over twice on the same possession! Layup for Ellis on other end, +5...Battier just stopped an iso on Ellis, but UD dropped a rolling ball out of bounds, GSW scores, +6...UD just missed an uncontested dunk -- he and Bosh have stunk the joint out -- but GSW with wild turnover on other end, Heat still +6, with ball with 3 to go -- I'd go LeBron post, but he doesn't like to do it late, so I'd go Wade/Bosh screen and roll, let Chris shoot 18 footer. It's a guaranteed open shot, you live with the results from your best shooter...wild game, lots of crazy, high-speed turnovers!...We ran a screen for Chalmer, he missed a jumper, offensive foul on UD in ensuing scramble...LeBron passing up shot after shot -- he is in a coma -- threw the ball to UD, he got blocked, GSW with a runout hoop, UD got a t, GSW will shoot a ft to tie with 2 mins to go. No one is guarding LeBron at top of key, he could shoot a wide open three whenever he wants last 5 possessions. He passed them all up, then Nate Robinson just banged the exact same shot on the other end. To me, if you're going to lose, lose being aggressive...On replay, Ellis absolutely hammered UD -- see why he was mad and got t...Steal by Battier, run out, 2 free throws for LBJ, 1 minute to go, makes only 1, we've missed 15 or 16...Battier causes another steal on Ellis, another runout, Wade will shoot 2. Battier!!! Wade makes both, +3...Warriors get off reb, Dorell with 3 to tie!...Awful step back by Wade while everyone watched him, GSW ball with 13 secs to go in tie game...Battier just shut down a third straight Ellis iso, didn't even get a shot off! Battier!!! Overtime. What a terrible 4q by Miami, only 12points -- got too involved with refs, LeBron won't go to block, just standing on perimeter again, rotating ball. Sometimes, like against Boston and Chicago in playoffs, LeBron is aggressive and incendiary in big moments. But sometimes he is so passive -- it's not one or the other consistently, that's why it is so weird...

5b) Overtime: Bosh with another posession where he turned it over twice (traveled, no call, then got stripped). LBJ with a tentative layup, but Chalmer missed an open 3 -- even with 2 to go, GSW ball. Building is madhouse, it is, literally, the biggest game of GSW's season, since they won't be in the playoffs. Miami looks exhausted...My heavens - Dorell 3, then LeBron threw the ball right to Nate Robinson, while looking right at him. LeBron is in an absolute coma. I'd get him out of there before he hurts himself. GSW +3 with 1 minute to go, Miami ball. What a lame loss, this game was over in the third q, and Miami went to sleep...Wade with a postup, he has 34, Warriors ball up 1 with 40 secs left. It's 1:18am. Please, win or lose, just no more overtimes...Ellis with a step back on Battier, tough shot, made it, 1 for 5 against Battier down stretch, but had the confidence to keep shooting...LeBron missed a triple, ballgame. Weird game, bad loss, if ultimately meaningless. Dwyane looked pretty bouncy on his foot, that is the most important thing. On the whole, though, it was a group loss -- got way up, got lazy, missed free throws, UD and Bosh both horrific, and they got bitten. It happens in the NBA, no matter who you are. Best player of game for Miami was Battier: took one of the quickest players in the league down the stretch, stayed all over him, causing bad shot after bad shot - super impressive by Battier, who needs some kind of nickname...8-2 is 8-2 -- we'll take it...M.Minutos just blamed the loss on the fact that I changed up the format for the night. You know what? She's probably right! I'll take the hit for this one fellas!!! And gals!!!

6) Book review: The Art of Fielding, by Chad Harbach. It's a friendship/coming-of-age book set at a small college for over privileged white kids in Ohio. It's really, really good. Written in a style similar to uber-popular author Jonathan Franzen, only the characters aren't reprehensible. The characters in The Art of Fielding are earnest, sincere, and likable. They all play on the college baseball team, but I wouldn't think you have to know much about baseball to enjoy it. It is an easy, comfortable read, but not without depth. I especially recommend it for Mike Miller - feels like a book he might enjoy.
---
Back at it late night again tomorrow, in LA against the Clippers. If you need me before then, I'll be watching that movie "Awakenings," where Robert DeNiro comes out of a coma briefly, realizes that Robin Williams is his doctor, then wills himself back into a coma One of the all-time great movies. Feel like LeBron might have been bummed out by Chris Bosh tonight, and willed himself back under. See you tomorrow!
-----

Heat 101 Nets 90

2012-01-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Dwyane Wade: out. Brooks Lopez: out. In the words of the immortal philosopher Tim Hardaway, "Sides is even." Let's go!

2) This game was over some time this afternoon when LeBron decided he could try to give it a go on a sore ankle. He was clearly favoring it - he couldn't jump - but he went down to the block in the first quarter, scored an absurd 22 points on only 7 shots, while getting virtually every wing New Jersey had into foul trouble. From there he clearly labored - scored only 10 more points, and had a gaggle of turnovers - but it was enough. Game was pretty much over after a quarter - Nets never threatened. You are skilled, LeBron. I exhort you!

3) Nets power forward Kris Humphries (who played extremely hard, and was by far the best Net on the court) is, of course, better known for his starring role on "The Kim Kardashian Show," playing a professional basketball player who marries a reality sta- wait, what? That was real life? Wait - does that mean Spencer Kardashian is real, too? Super-awesome! Anyways, M.Minutos opined during the game tonight that he was the rare player that looks better in a basketball uniform than in street clothes (this is a long-standing M.Minutos theory: most players - most humans - don't look great in a tank top). That qualifies as a compliment from M.Minutos, although I think her opinion probably has something to do with the fact that the only times she has ever seen Humphries in street clothes, it's on his tv show when he is getting over-physical and verbally aggressive with a 5'2" woman. To be fair, she seems super-annoying. Still, "no" means "no."

4) Dwyane Wade spent LeBron's postgame on-court interview with Jax standing behind them, jokily holding LeBron's removed shoes in his hands as if he were a butler - really should have been Chris Bosh, The Maitre D's, job. Fans were clamoring for Dwyane to give them LeBron's sneaks - Dwyane thought it over - "Five dollars," he called out to them, laughing. I mention this only to remind people of last year's epic R.Minutos story in this very blog in which he tried to impress an attractive young woman by claiming he had stolen Jean Claude Van Damme's shoe during a strip club brawl, which, somehow, R.Minutos won, despite the fact that JCVD is a martial arts master, although probably only 5'3". All of which is to say: Where is R.Minutos? We need more stories! Don't make me write this blog all by myself!

5) "Hot Seconds With Jax," the Heat's halftime answer to Jeopardy, is back, baby! Tonight's contestant: Mario "Emcee" Chalmers, the 2009-10 champion! One thing we've all noticed about Emcee Chalmers over the years is that he isn't the most aware of basketball players. He often seems to be unaware of score and time; he seems to be unaware of the foul situation; it often appears that he doesn't know the offensive plays, or the proper defensive rotations...But one thing he does know - in fact, he is the only player in the history of "Hot Seconds With Jax" to know - is every single rule involved in "Hot Seconds With Jax!" And there are wayyy more than you would imagine, if you've never seen it. I still can't follow them all. No player in the history of "Hot Seconds With Jax" has ever been aware that you can call a timeout and/or replace a question you don't know the answer to. Sometimes Jax will tell a guy to do it, but no player ever knows to do it on his own. Except Emcee Chalmers, who promptly called a timeout on the three point question, thought about the answer, realized he didn't know it, and then asked to have the question replaced. That is what makes him a champion! Unfortunately, he couldn't answer the replacement question either, almost incredibly: "Name one of the new American Idol judges from last year?" I have never, ever seen even one minute of that show, and I knew both. You can't tell me Emcee Chalmers doesn't watch hours and hours of television - of course he does, he's Emcee Chalmers. How could he not have seen a commercial for American Idol at some point? I mean, Steven Tyler, I'm sure he doesn't know who he is, Emcee doesn't strike me as a big Aerosmith guy, but you're black, Emcee, your people love giant butts! HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW J.LO??? He posted a solid 7, but that miss is going to kill him. Just like last year, I'm going with Juwan Howard, only because I think he will try. M.Minutos is going with Eddy Curry, who does seem like 200 percent brighter and more personable than I would ever imagine.

6) Had a big argument with The Captain at Dos Minutos International Headquarters late this week when he incorrectly felt that #34 on the Connell High Eagles was over-aggressive on his fouls in the video shown exclusively in this blog last week, and also on Yahoo and Youtube. I couldn't disagree more - in my opinion, for #34 to be successful at the next level, he has to be able to lay the wood to people. "Where that?" The Captain asked, "Prison?"
---
We're off until Tuesday night in Golden State - think that is in California, and it might be the dumbest 'location' name of any team, except for 'Detroit.' Until then, if you need me- you know what? I'm thinking of making my own sex tape with M.Minutos, and "accidentally" leaking it to the internet, just like Kim Kardashian and Ray J. Ray J! RAY J! HAAAAAA!!!!!! RAYYY JAYYY!!! See you Tuesday!!!
-----

Heat 116 Hawks 109 3ot

2012-01-05T22:00:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Here is one thing that could never, ever happen: if Dwyane Wade (respendent in a blue checked shirt and khaki-colored suit) and LeBron James both had to miss a game; Chris Bosh played absolutely terribly down the the stretch; and Mario Chalmers decided he would just try to win a game by himself, shooting threes and going one-on-one off the dribble, all against a good team -- that would never, ever work. Not in a hundred million years, not in thousands of millenniums of galaxies beginning and ending...Never. That would never, ever, ever work. It just worked. LET'S GO AND LET'S GO AND GET IT, EMCEE CHALMERS STEPPING UP BIG IN TRIPLE-DIPPLE OVERTIME AND WINNING A UNWINNABLE GAME ON THE ROAD IN ATLANTA!!! WE ON FIYA, WE UP IN HERE!!! DO IT FOR THE FAM, EMCEE, DO! IT! FOR! THE! FAM!

2) Does that count as winning the championship? Can it at least count as one game in The Finals? No? It's just a regular win? Damn...

3) Listen, Atlanta Hawks, I don't even know what to tell you. That was maybe the least inspired basketball, considering the circumstances, I have ever seen an NBA team play. No Wade, no LeBron, Bosh reverting to his Becky Lobo impression down the stretch, and the Hawks shot 46 free throws to Miami's 23 -- and you lost. Undrafted Heat rookie Terrel Harris played forty-four minutes, and fifty year old Shane Battier played forty-nine. At the end of the second overtime, tied, when Hawks star Joe Johnson ran the clock down, tried to take Battier off the dribble to the rim to win the game, got his shoulder in front, and somehow the landlocked Battier recovered, reached out, and blocked his layup, the Hawks may have reached some kind of mystic nadir of pitiful athletic performance. I mean -- that was really something, Atlanta Hawks. That was really something.

4) It is entirely possible that Heat coach Erik Spoelstra does not know you are allowed to substitute in overtime. He was leaving that group of Emcee, Terrel Harris, Battier, UD, and Bosh out there no matter how tired they got. it was some kind of bizarre reverse jinx: the more tired that group of kids got, the worse the Hawks played. Reminded me and M.Minutos of a game years ago, during a bad season when Pat Riley suddenly decided he "needed surgery" halfway through a brutal losing streak, and flew to, like, Tahiti, on an extended vacation. Assistant Ron Rothstein took over, and on one fateful night, in a game we got way down, only to have a group of substitutes claw their way back into the game, then the game went into overtime, Rothstein never made even one substitution, and the Heat lost because that group got so exhausted that they couldn't move, all because Rothstein claimed, after the game, "that lineup deserved to have a chance to win it or lose it." Guess what, John Wooden? They lost it! I have never, ever forgiven him -- to this day, the sight of him on the Heat sideline (he is still an assistant) almost makes me want to lose, just to prove that he is still killing us. I would never feel that way about Spo - he's Fam - but, still, a substitution or two tonight might have been a good idea. But he won the game, so I guess he knows best.

5) Quite a heroic effort, on the whole. Oh, not by the players - sure, I mean, by the players also, they were great. But I really meant by the television audience, who had to endure a national TNT crew with "special" guest color commentator Charles Barkley. And, yes, by "special," I do mean "retarded." I just realize how grouchy I sound tonight, and, honestly, it's all because of him -- he's such a blowhard, he ruins the game. I know he's a bright guy, and he seems reasonably likable (if you didn't have to watch him on television). And I know I should just turn off the sound. To have to sit there and have him spout nonsense for an entire game, and three overtimes, is cruel. He championed Hawks reserve forward Ivan Johnson's every move, I guess, because it was so edgy to do so -- the guy clearly sucks. He had a couple of nice moments, I was happy for him, but he also committed five brainless turnovers and six fouls in only 21 minutes, and single-handedly kept Miami in the game during the first two overtimes. We are all watching the guy play sucky - to sit there and say he is playing great is- I don't what it is. Is it some kind of shot at the white television audience, mocking us because we are mindless sheep? Is it some kind of meta mindfuck to try to will the guy to beat Miami, because Dwyane and LeBron despise Barkley? It's so stupid, it's like Bill-Simmons-I-can-see-the-fear-in-his-eyes level stupid. And, by the way, it was probably the smartest thing Barkley said all night. To the degree it matters, which is not at all, he just went out there and made America stupider for four hours. And believe me, we don't need the help!

6) I think Dos Minutos has a new favorite high school basketball team, and it's the Connell High Eagles! Each of these six flagrant fouls is great - everyone will have a different favorite - but if you only have time to watch one, skip ahead to 2:53 for flagrant foul # 5. I am not saying that #34's clothesline of the driving guard isn't a wee bit excessive; I'm just saying that the (probably justifiably) concerned parent who filmed these, and felt compelled to slow-mo replay each one about twelve times, never mentions the borderline illegal screen by #10 in maroon on the drive. I think #34 on white committed 4 of these 6 fouls - you can't tell me this kid couldn't step in and give the New York Knicks a solid 18-20 minutes up front right now...

---
Next game, I believe, is Saturday, and I believe it against the Nets. If you need me before then? Kuh-duh -- I'll be outside in my #34 Connell High Eagles jersey, laying the fucking wood on some of the smaller neighborhood kids! GOODNIGHT, AND ESPECIALLY GOODNIGHT TO YOU, EMCEE CHALMERS! I ALWAYS BELIEVED IN YOU, EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ELSE DID!

Heat 118 Pacers 83

2012-01-04T21:00:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) LeBron James dominated this basketball game in just about as many ways as you can possibly dominate a basketball game. First of all, no one ever really talks about it, but he is one of the best handful of defensive players in the league. Tonight he took the Pacers best player, Danny Granger, and destroyed him: 2 of 13 for 6 points for Granger. That's normal for LeBron. But new? With Dwyane Wade out nursing a bad foot, he went to the post possession after possession (the post!), and completely controlled that end of the floor as well. When the Pacers left him single covered, he wheeled to the basket and scored: 12-21 and 11-13 free throws for 33 points. When the Pacers doubled, he found open cutters (Bosh 7-11 for 22), or shooters (James Jones 4-8 triples for 14), and accumulated 13 assists. He rebounded in traffic - 8 total. The second quarter, which Miami won 33-12, was essentially a LeBron James postup clinic, as he created offense from the block time and again, culminating in a spinning baseline power move and finish over a helping 7'2" Roy Hibbert, which resulted in an "and 1," and topped off by LeBron getting to his seat on the bench for the ensuing timeout before the referee had even finished blowing his whistle. Even after LeBron rolled his ankle on a late third quarter runout, he stayed in the game to end the quarter with a pullup 20 footer at the buzzer. His game was really impressive to watch -- from a pure basketball standpoint, it doesn't get much better than that. Only problem? Ankle sprain looked pretty bad -- Norris Cole actually beat him to the bench to sit down for a timeout, which never happens, and Heat play in Atlanta tomorrow night -- could be without Wade and LeBron. Don't think we have played a game yet with only Bosh in the Big Three era. Should be interesting. And by "interesting," I mean it will probably be the most excruciating basketball game any Heat fan has ever had to endure.

2) Dwyane Wade, out: sore foot. In: three piece gray suit, dark tie, and paisley pocket square. Mickell Gladness and Mike Miller, flanking DWade in gray suits of their own, couldn't compete. That's the best Heat sideline outfit of the year, so far.

3) This is how you become a really good team: Miami led by 23 at halftime, thanks to a 1-15 second quarter shooting "performance" by Indiana. On the first possession of the second half, Indiana threw the ball into their center, Roy Hibbert, on the right block. Hibbert is a pretty skilled offensive player -- on this occasion, Miami decided to double team him on the catch. Mario Chalmers ran down off his man, and Hibbert pitched it right back out over him to an open shooter. However, a hustling LeBron James got into the shooter's airspace quickly, and the ball was passed to the area LeBron had just vacated, to his man, Danny Granger. This is perfect offensive basketball, this is why you throw the ball to the post, to try to score, or, if the other team elects to double, to crisply move the ball for an open shot. Granger should have had an open three - but a hustling and correctly positioned Chris Bosh closed out rapidly on Granger, forcing him to put the ball on the floor. Bosh, though, had closed out under control, so he was able to track Granger on his drive. Two other Heat players collapsed on Granger, the ball was swatted away, and Miami hustled down on early offense. LeBron backed his man down, and kicked it to Bosh,who drilled an open 12 footer. Up 23, you don't need to play a defensive possession that hard and that perfectly -- but good teams develop good habits.

4) The Pacers have a good team -- they caught a full-on MVP performance from LeBron tonight, but they are going to win a lot of games, make the playoffs, and be a tough out for somebody. Also, they will probably lead the league in lying. Heat play-by-player, the ageless and indefatigable Eric Reid, and his partner, the immaculately groomed Tony Fiorentino, revealed during the the first quarter that Pacers head coach Frank Vogel had vowed to them that the Pacers would not play any zone in the game, a defensive look which can give the Heat problems at times. Vogel told Reid that he doesn't think you have enough time to practice a zone this season, and that any time you spent on it would only detract from your efforts to perfect your man-to-man look. Lo and behold, that lasted all of about 8 minutes, when the Pacers, having trouble with LeBron and the Heat early, shifted to a zone that they clearly had practiced, and were prepared to play. Miami handled it fine -- their troubles against the zone are mostly hype. A good man-to-man defense employs many zone principles anyways. But you know who didn't handle it fine? Eric and Tony, who sounded extremely aggravated that Frank Vogel had lied to them! Eric and Tony are nothing if not principled! They got their revenge late in the game, with Miami up 35, when Tony snarked gleefully to Eric, "This game seems like it is taking a long time to us -- can you imagine how long it feels to Frank Vogel?" Eric and Tony, 1 - Frank Vogel, 0.

5) I am pretty sure that James Jones can not bend his knees. When you add Shane Battier to the wing rotation with him, that is over thirteen feet of non-bending-knee wings. I've yet to see the NBA team that can match up with that.

6) Spent most of today in Orlando, at a national conference of history scholars -- I presented my research for a history thesis I am writing for a Master's Degree, and then had lunch across the street in Downtown Disney. Yes, it is a hobby -- yes, I am a total nerd. You know who aren't nerds, though? All those superhot babes at the national conference of history scholars! I'm up in here, I'm on fiya! High point of day: my thesis research went over well. People felt it was well done, important, and that I clearly have a future as a scholar of history if I choose to go that route. Low point of day: when the chairman of my panel, a highly respected historian in my field of research, asked a simple question about my conclusion, I took it the wrong way, and told him to go to hell...Lowest point of day: did you read what I just wrote? I was in Orlando - what could possibly be worse than that?!!! Not only that, but I was in Downtown Disney! "Hey, this city isn't dumb enough already; let's build an even dumber fake city inside of it!"
---
Next game: tomorrow vs Atlanta. Let's hope that at least either Dwyane or LeBron can play -- otherwise, we suddenly become the Toronto Raptors. If you need me before then, I'll be telling my kids we are going to have ice cream for dessert, then serving them cut up chunks of peaches in cottage cheese. Bon appetit!
-----

Hawks 100 Heat 92

2012-01-02T19:44:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Look, I'll take the hit for this one. First, I skipped yesterday's game because I wanted to go on vacation to St. Augustine with my family. That's selfish on my part - Dwyane and UD wouldn't do that, and neither should I. Even more damaging, on the drive home this afternoon, I was thinking about the 5-0 start and I had the distinct thought: "What if we never lose a game all season? What if we just win 66 in a row?" Oops.

2) Had to lose some time - might as well be to the Hawks. They know how to play Miami better than anyone since they are in the Heat's division, and have had the same basic cast of characters -- Joe Johnson, Josh Smith, and Al Horford -- since approximately 1986. We all know what will happen in their season. They will finish as the 5th seed, either win or lose their first round playoff series by a game, then, if they survive, get destroyed by Miami or Chicago in the second round. Why do we know this? Because this has been every season for the Hawks since 1986! I thought I just told you! Al Horford! AL HORFORD!!!

3) The Hawks, to their credit, were able to slow this game to a crawl. This benefits them: they have good isolation players, they can get on the offensive boards, and also, they aren't ever going to try to run back on defense, so if the game does speed up, they are going to lose. The downside of this style, besides the Heat losing? The game seemed like it took about six hours to play. I wish I had never stopped at my house after driving back from St. Augustine, I could have kept driving, down through Fort Lauderdale, past Miami, through all the Keys, and then right on into the ocean and drowned. That would have been more exciting.

4) Worst play: probably when we were down like 6 with a couple of minutes to go and Dwyane Wade, who was an exhausted-looking 4-17 in the game, tried to iso on the wing, crossed over on his defender but dribbled it off the defender's foot, and the Hawks went down in transition and banged a three to effectively end the game. However, for sheer and utter ineptitude, it was when Mario Chalmers got beat off the dribble by Jeff Teague for a layup, took the ball out the net, and fired an aggravated inbounds pass up the court to LeBron on the sidelines, leading him as if LeBron were walking upcourt, except LeBron wasn't walking upcourt, he was just standing there, and the ball hit the scorer's table on the fly. Ughh. Emcee had five -- 5 -- turnovers, and they were all of the terrible, unforced variety. Even the one alley-oop he successfully threw to LeBron was horrible - he threw it too low, under the basket, and LeBron had to catch it and rip it back up over his head to flush it.

5) People like to talk about who the best player is. Yes, Kevin Durant seems like a nice person, and scores a ton of points. Yes, Dwyane Wade is the flashiest and the most marketable. Yes, Dwight Howard is the only dominating big man in the game. Yes, Dirk Nowitzki just won the title. They are all great players. And, yes, LeBron did not play well the last week of the Finals -- I'll concede that, he was too passive. But game in, and game out, even on a night like tonight, even when the whole team looks exhausted, even when he seems slightly off his game, he still plays well. Tonight: 11-18 for 28 points, 7 rebounds, and 6 assists, and as always, was rock solid defensively. If you watched the game, you'd be like, "Ehh, he wasn't great." But those numbers are great. He has bad games, relative to his other games - not really compared to other players' games. Dwyane's highs are higher, for one, but LeBron almost never, ever plays a bad game. We all judge him on a sliding scale against himself, and that's fine -- but to imply any other player in the league is as good night in and night out is inaccurate. I mean, if you want to claim that someone else is the best player, fine, go ahead, do it. Just know ahead of time that it's dumb.

6) Best parts of my trip to St. Augustine: the fried oyster sandwich I ate at this hole in the wall country-ish restaurant in the woods in Palm Coast last night -- rednecks know how to fry stuff; when I tried to convince my 19 year old cousin that Darko Milicic's career hasn't been as good as Dwyane Wade or Carmelo Anthony's so far, but that he has to let it play out before deciding if Joe Dumars made the correct decision in selecting Darko over those two guys; when I pretended to fall asleep at the pool, and my family abandoned me there because they are cold-hearted; when I had to suppress the urge to shove P.Minutos off the bed last night because he kept kicking me after he crawled in with me -- I was this close; New Year's Eve at a miniature Cityplace in Palm Coast, only if 90 percent of the shops in Cityplace were vacant, and if Cityplace hired a DJ to blast loud music at, like, the fifty people actually eating dinner there; and, of course, the old forts and buildings in St. Augustine which, if you block out the schlocky tourist-y parts, is one of the cooler towns we have in America.
---
Good week of games coming up: the up-and-coming Indiana Pacers come to town Wednesday, and Miami takes a trip to Atlanta Thursday for a re-match. If you need me before then, I'll be heading out to Okeechobee County for fried foods with the rednecks! Happy 2012 everybody!
-----

Heat 129 Bobcats 90

2012-01-02T16:39:00.000-08:00

I did not see this game - I was on vacation in St. Augustine. So for this game, and any future ones I miss, I am turning the blog over to my boy Snets. He has to endure my insane ramblings all season long - stuff too crazy to even get in the blog - so I figured it was fair for him to have his say. So without no further ado, here is Snets on last night's blowout:

For those of you tuning in expecting to read Dos Minutos, they were called out of town and Snets (me) will be guest blogging. For starters, tonight’s blog will be re-named Deux Minutes as I am from Canada – so ALLONS-Y!
Ok – first half over – what kind of Bizarro alternate universe game is this when Joel (a proud Canadian) Anthony outscores the best basketball player in the world 8 to 4 and we still won the half by almost 30 points?
Very interesting first half duel between Mario Chalmers and super rook Norris Cole over who can claim point guard supremacy. Chalmers hits for 11 including 3 from long range and was heard muttering under his breath – "take that rookie bitch" – but then Cole comes out and scores 8, but from where I’m sitting, looks much more polished and in control. I think if you ask the wings, who they would rather be on a break with – they are all going to say Coles. He makes better decisions in only his 5^th game, throws a pretty lob (I mean let’s face it, Chalmers lobs are adventures in geometry).
I have the platform, so I am going to use it. Jax – I actually love the guy, he seems like a genuinely affable fellow, someone you’d love to live next door to or someone you love to bump into when you’re at your local pub. Ok here’s the "but" – why does he have to keep talking so long when the play resumes? The guy will use up two or three possession sometimes. He has insightful comments but Jeez Jax STFU already when the game is on.
Chris Bosh has been a world beater in the first half. 20 and 6, I guess that’s why you have a Big 3 – when one of them gets engaged and doesn’t score, you have another one that had the good sense to get married in the off season. Guy looks good.
Only other thing I would talk about in the first half, is we do seem to have trouble with offensive rebounds. I mean some guy called Bizmark Bazooka or something like that got 3 in one sequence against us. It’s hard to figure your team is lacking when it is 4 – 0 and leading by 30 though. I have to admit to being really interested in whether Curry will make a meaningful contribution, if and when.
Ron Rothstein just said “we haven’t played well with leads and we have to develop championship habits”. 2^nd half coming up – Allons-y! (google it)
Game over, we won by 39 and were up by 46 at one point. The most interesting part of the 2^nd half was when I got sent to the dog house because I left the bedroom door open, my girlfriend is allergic to our cat and it made a bed in her opened suitcase full of her cruise clothes, while I sweated over this blog (how does he do it every game?)
Back to basketball – the great PGS continutes. Mario and Coles both scored 16, except Mario played with the starters and 8 extra minutes. Mario had 3 assists and Coles had 9. Edge to the rook. You gotta figure Mario lies awake at night wondering when Wade is going to demand this kidstarts.
Not a whole more to report on the 2^nd half – there was no drama. I hate it when the starters look so disinterested and start mugging for the cameras and going for Sports Center minutes instead of being professionals but our lads kicked butt and I suppose that’s all that matters. Garbage time was a lot of fun to watch actually. Sexy Dexy made a lumbering appearance. Harris scored 9 in short minutes and looked good at it – Coles was firing passes right where they should go. If he was playing with the starters, I’m sure he would have had Chris Paul assist numbers. Hey the future’s so bright – he has to wear shades!

Well, that’s all I have to say, not very long but there wasn’t a lot to write about this blow out. Just a note: I will be desperately trying to find Dos to hand the notebook back. This is a lot harder than it looks. ALLONS-Y!

Dos says: Thanks, Snets! I'd like to think Emcee Chalmers would never use a certain word to describe a certain rookie, but he does take a lot of abuse and is entitled to feel feisty. Also, Snets has been waiting like four years to get a platform to complain that Jax takes too long to throw it back to the game when he does an interview that spills over into play! I'm going to watch Heat-Hawks right now, as I know Snets is. Try to keep the bedroom door closed, and Allons-y!

Heat 103 TWolves 101

2011-12-30T20:44:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) "Hey, ref, see the giant white guy standing in the lane on defense? CAN YOU PLEASE MAKE HIM GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE LANE?" Kevin Love, Minnesota's all-star forward who was terrific in this game, never, ever left the paint in this game defensively, making it difficult for Miami to run their slashing offense...until, the very last play of the game, tied, side out of bounds, when Love's cover, Chris Bosh stepped up out of the lane, Love decided to go with him, Wade slipped in behind, and from out of bounds LeBron threw a direct line alley-oop to the rim for the game winner. Damn, that was frustrating..right until the end! Two games in a row, DWade with the winner on the last possession - lost so many games like this last year. Regression to the mean. LeBron's birthday - Let's GO!

2) These Wolves are pretty good, I really like them. Love is great. He is a terrific rebounder, we already know that. But he has become such a good shooter, and the threat of his shot has allowed him to develop all kinds of counter drives, and post-ups. They hired Rick Adelman, the best offensive architect in the NBA, to coach; surrounded Love with a bunch of bouncy, athletic young kids; a couple of slick, white point guards; and Mike Beasley. Annnd, they were great...except The Beas who struggled to a 2-6 in only 22 minutes, and got lit up by LeBron for 15 in the first quarter. Look, getting lit up by LeBron can happen to anyone (34, 10 assists, and 8 boards, with 4 steals for the newly 27 year old LBJ). But Mike struggled with the same stuff he struggled with here - he got to the rim, but he can't finish because he can't jump and he looks to avoid contact and finish from impossible angles. It's a tough conundrum for him - he knows he can't elevate over people, and he knows he has good hands. But he is making the shots too tough. To be an efficient player in this league, he simply has to figure out a way to get to the line. This is his fourth year now - if it was going happen, it probably would have happened already. I do give him huge credit for this: after getting positively toasted in the first quarter, after a rest on the bench, he came back in with a new determination and effectively bodied up LeBron for several minutes. He could have given up, but he didn't. After the game, Dwyane and UD stood with him for a couple of minutes at midcourt, having a serious conversation - Dwyane, talking quietly, leaned forward forehead to forehead like Tom Cruise and the Rain Man. Everyone loves Mike because he's a nice kid. Everyone wants him to play hard, be focused, and get his mind right. We don't play Minnesota again this year, thanks to David Stern's ham-handed lockout strategy, so we will be left to root for Mike from afar. Be easy, Mike Beasley. Be easy...

3) Yeah! Rookie point guards! With huge cojones! For Miami, Norris Cole - another aggressive night for the kid, 12 points on 6-10, 4 assists with only 1 turnover, and 2 steals in 30 minutes (Emcee Chalmers was having another foul fest). He's fast, he's feisty, he loves to shoot. Love this kid! And for Minnesota, Richard Rubio! What do they call him? Rick? Dick? Rick, I think. Rick Rubio! He is wild. He dribbles all over the place, he's pretty tall, fairly fast, he makes great passes, he goes behind his back, he carries it, he throws it out of bounds at ninety miles an hour, he dropped a huge triple - he is going to be fine, he is going to be really good. He mixed in 6 rebounds with 12 points and 12 assists, though he also mixed in 5 turnovers, one of which was incredibly costly. But all the stuff he does wrong is stuff he will learn how to do. He will be an all-star someday, I believe.

4) This probably is going to jinx it, but we're 4-0 with the Dos Minutos Official Notebook that my dad, Pat Riley, gave me for Christmas. Damn, M.Minutos was right...By the way, here is one entry in the notebook: "Shane Battier just checked in, will probably be looking to draw a charge. 3, 2, 1...charge!" He was, literally, on the court 6 seconds before drawing a charge, and drew three on the night. He is going to shatter the all-time Heat record in limited minutes. To be fair, on a huge late possession, he shot a curving, wide open triple that missed the basket by sixteen feet. That was terrible. However...

5)...I was sitting in Dos Minutos International Headquarters today feeling incredibly stressed out about the sheer volume of tasks, work-related and otherwise, that I have to accomplish over the next two months. The Captain has been on vacation since, like, October, so I had nobody to talk to, and actually - literally - had this thought: "I wish Shane Battier were here. He would know what to do." What a comforting presence. Just knowing he lives in South Florida now made me feel better. Mentioned this to M.Minutos. "Call him, I'm sure he's available," she pointed out. Don't want to bother him, but if it gets any worse, I will.

6) So yesterday a friend of mine who grew up in Haiti was trying to convince me to take a trip there. And I was, like, "Oh, I've been to a couple of islands, like I went to Puerto Rico, and I've been to Barbados, and I have also been to Belize (not an island). Is it different than any of those places, or do all Carribean places kind of have the same vibe?" And he was, like, "Well, they all kind of have the same vibe, you're right, but one thing about Haiti, if you stray too far from the resort where you are staying, you might get kidnapped." Heyyy, you don't say! I'm in! "How was your trip?" "Awesome - the hotel was amazing, I ate all sorts of sweet Carribean-fusion meals, and I went ziplining. Also, I got kidnapped! How u?"
---

I'll be away this weekend, so chances are 99% that I won't see Sunday's rematch vs Charlotte at The Trip. I'm trying to be more relaxed this year after obsessively watching 188 out of 190 games (including playoffs) over the past two seasons - over 100 straight at one point. If you conservatively estimate it takes about 2 hours to watch a game on dvr, that's over 15 days the past two years only watching the Heat. That's totally healthy. I should be back Monday for the Atlanta game. If you need me before then, I'll be seeing if Shane Battier is an approved provider for the mental health portion of my Blue Cross/Blue Shield insurance. Happy New Year everybody!
-----

Heat 96 Bobcats 95

2011-12-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Dwyane Wade's night: bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, injured, take the third quarter off, bad, bad, awful, awful, pretty much lose the game...win the game back on one play. Ballgame, start the bus, get to the plane, get out of town. Is there an airport in Charlotte? Charlotte's fairly big, right?

2) In their first back-to-back of the year, after two emotional, season opening wins against their two biggest rivals, Miami looked tired, slow, disinterested, and got down 11-0 as Charlotte buzzed all over the court in, literally, the biggest home game they will play all year. Unless we play here again at some point- haven't memorized all 66 games on the schedule. Yet. Miami got down 15 at half, couldn't find their legs, couldn't find their rhythm, and little Charlotte point guard D.J. Augustin kept knocking down jumpers. In the third quarter, with Wade in the locker room nursing a bruised foot, LeBron took over, powering to the rim for layup after layup, and also checked Augustin, shutting him down totally, and turning him over repeatedly. It was one of those nights where LeBron looked like a man among boys: 35 points on only 23 shots, 6 boards, 7 assists, 3 steals, and 2 blocks. He was crazy. He was like Dwyane Wade! After the game, LeBron told Jason Jackson, "Without Dwyane out there, I had to add a little to the offensive power."  Ha! Well said! Dwyane returned for the fourth quarter, and down the stretch turned the ball over up two with less than a minute to go; then lost his cover, Gerald Henderson, who banged a triple to put Charlotte up 1 with 12 seconds to go; but then took Henderson to the block and banked in the game-winner with 3 seconds left. So that last part was good.

3) Something I have never seen before: late in the third quarter, Charlotte rookie, and Connecticut champion!, Kemba Walker steamed downcourt with the ball. As he got to the paint, who was waiting for him? Mr. Shane Battier. Of course he was. As Walker started to pick a lane to drive, Battier got in front of him, and instead of waiting for Walker to throw a fake on him, he started to throw fakes on Walker, jittering quickly back and forth before calculating Walker's path, leaping in front of him, and drawing a charge. Not only have I never seen anyone do that before, I've never even seen a player who would actually want to do that - I mean, it was about as nerdy-looking a thing as you could do on basketball court. I mean, it worked, but it was bizarre. It stunned everyone on the court - the ref called a charge and everyone just stood around, like, "What the hell was that?" Meanwhile, in Casa Dos, I looked at M.Minutos and said, "What the hell was that?" Battier had a huge impact in this game: drew at least three charges that I remember, blocked three shots, and probably caused two other turnovers. Not sure exactly who said it in Casa Dos during the first half when Miami was down double digits, but someone said "I don't see how this guy is helping us at all. How is he helping us? He hasn't done anything so far this season." Let's not worry about who said what -- let's just all agree that Shane Battier is nerdy, a clever and determined defender, and at least tonight, he helped win a basketball game without scoring a single point, which I am sure is what he dreams about. Goodness gracious.

4) Play of the game: late in the fourth quarter, in a close game, Corey Maggette drove baseline, looked like he had a layup, and then Chris Bosh swooped in and blocked his shot. The ball bounced out towards the corner, almost certain to go out of bounds, retained by Charlotte, when LeBron swooped in, grabbed it, spun 180 degrees while leaping out of bounds, and fired a 70 foot strike down court to a basket-hanging Dwyane Wade for an uncontested dunk. Insane! No, not LeBron's pass -- Chris Bosh aggressively blocked a shot!!! Also, on another play, put D.J. White on a poster by taking two dribbles down the lane and throwing it on him for an and-one! Don't overheat, Big Fella! He was great tonight again, 25 on only 13 shots. If we played a team with a frontline with no one taller than 6'8" every night, like Charlotte, Chris would be Wilt Chamberlain!!!

5) Here is the Heat's new player introduction video, which debuted last night at The Trip. Is Shane Battier wearing a polo shirt, collar-up, underneath another polo shirt, collar also up? What do you mean? Of course he is! Why wouldn't he? Also, Eddy Curry has never looked more handsome!

6) Because I'm always trying to get smarter, I have been watching the Kardasian show for the last month or so. For years I've felt dumb because I don't understand who the Kardashians are. Here is what I knew about them before watching the show: their dad was that cheesy lawyer who was friends with OJ, but when he actually had to have a trial, they got better lawyers to defend OJ; one of the Kardashians is married to former Olympian Bruce Jenner, who everyone had always non-pejoratively assumed was gay, and who looks like an unholy freak due to plastic surgery gone way wrong; the main Kardashian, Kim, got famous for dating like C- level celebrities; former Laker Lamar Odom is married to a Kardashian, but she is not that attractive. Now, after watching the show for a month, I still don't totally get who they are - M.Minutos says they are famous "because they are glamorous." Okay, I am going with that. Here I am ranking the Kardashians, from worst to best:

     5) Kris Humphries. This dude is a walking date rape.
     4) The "other" Kardashian. Not the chunky one married to Lamar Odom, and not Kim. She
         seems boring, and annoying,and she hates sex - she constantly is on her husband's case
         (more on him in a minute). I would hate to be married to this woman.
     3) The chunky Kardashian. She seems the most reasonable, but doesn't do much that is
          actually likable. She's just not unlikable. Lamar Odom seems nice (and always has - we
          had him in Miami for a year, he was very pleasant, and then we traded him for Shaq and won the
          title).
     2) Kim Kardashian. She seems both petty and dopey. But, I have to admit, she is rather attractive,
         and that has to count for something.
     1) Spencer Kardashian. He is married to the Kardashian in # 4. Oh, he's not married to her - but he
         is the father of their child. His name is also not Spencer. I'm not sure what it is - unsurprisingly,
         I don't know who "Spencer and Heidi" are, either, but this is the guy that I always imagined was
        Spencer, even though M.Minutos assures me that it is not. Doesn't matter who he is, this guy is
        great. He is a formal dresser - always looks sharp, and he announces his every thought as though
        it is some kind of official proclamation. He is aggravated that his girlfriend won't have sex with
        him, he has given up drinking, and he is constantly trying to advise Kris Humphries how to
        survive being with a Kardashian, even though he never takes his advice. He dresses and acts
        like he is about forty-eight years old, even though I assume he is in his twenties. Last week, he
        tried to re-connect with his Jewish roots, which was difficult because the yarmulke kept slipping
        off his slicked back hair. I love this kid, I wish he would spin off into his own show. Here he is,
        looking dashing as hell:

---
That's a wrap from Charlotte. See you Friday in Minnesota. My boy Mike Beasley! If you need me before then, I'll be yarmulke shopping!
-----

Heat 115 Celtics 107

2011-12-27T21:13:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) "Guys, the Heat are running us out of the gym. We can't stop their transition game at all. Here's what we are going to do for this fourth quarter: sit back in a zone, dare them to shoot from outside, and then go down and stick contested triples on the other end. There is no way the Heat can combat that, especially not rookie point guard Norris Cole, playing in only his second NBA game. As Dwyane Wade and LeBron stand around and look bored, there is absolutely no way Norris Cole will step up in crunch time, make big jumper after big jumper, draw a key charge on a 2 on 1 break, and salt the game away with 14 fourth quarter points. Ready? 'Celtics' on 3: 1, 2, 3, Celtics!" ... "Uh-oh."

2) Mario Chalmers, somehow, jammed 5 steals and 6 turnovers into 19 minutes.  Fortunately, four of the turnovers were on four consecutive possessions to start the third quarter. Not sure I've ever seen that before.  So Coach Spo went with Cole for most of the second half, and all of crunch time. Twenty-nine minutes for the kid, 20 points on 8-16, 4 assists, 3 rebounds, and 3 steals. Made all the big plays down the stretch while Dwyane and LeBron stood paralyzed on the perimeter in some kind of post-traumatic Finals syndrome when the Celtics went zone. I haven't checked Twitter yet, but I'm sure it is about to catch on fire with When-Is-Coach-Spo-Going-To-Start-Norris-Cole tweets.  It doesn't really matter who starts - right now, two games in, it is fun to watch the kid play. Super-quick and savvy - good combination. And unfazed. Mario Chalmers? Fazed. Definitely fazed.

3) Someone asked me yesterday: Why didn't you kill Chris Bosh after his lackluster effort in the season opener against Dallas? Why? Mostly because we won by like 50 points. Tonight Bosh, continuing the latter games of the spring's playoff against Boston, took Kevin Garnett apart. 18 on 8-11 for Bosh, with 11 rebounds - kept running sharp cuts and beating Garnett to the rim. Also did a good job being mobile and showing on shooters defensively. He's never going to be a physical, aggressive defender, but he defends the pick-and-roll well because he is quick, and bright, and generally always positions himself correctly.  Garnett, as per usual, spent forty percent of the game arguing with the opponent's point guards, and had a quiet 12 points and 5 rebounds.

4) O. Minutos, halfway through the third quarter: "I wonder how old Juwan Howard is?" Fifty. He's fifty. Got a layup in the second quarter when he ran down the court in transition, hid on the block behind Shane Battier, Kevin Garnett couldn't find him, and stepped in to the lane, received a pass, and finished. Veteran move!

5) Play of the game: Obviously when Norris Cole (who else?) streaked down the court at ninety miles an hour with the ball and dropped a perfect pass on a charging Chris Bosh, who caught the ball, elevated to dunk, dropped the ball out of bounds, lightly bumped into an indifferent Jermaine O'Neal, who was jogging by in the general vicinity of the play, and eighty-eight year old referee Dick Bavetta, in his thirty-seventh year in the league, the last twenty of which have been completely incompetent, blew his whistle and called a foul on O'Neal awarding Bosh two shots. It was right in front of the Celtics bench, which went absolutely mental - LeBron and Wade were running down the court dunking everything in sight to that point. All the Celtics needed was for the Heat to somehow finally screw up a fast break, especially on a play which didn't involve Mario Chalmers, and then for Dick Bavetta to somehow call a foul anyways. During the ensuing argument, Bavetta's crew chief Danny Crawford (Bavetta was finally demoted this year), looked mortified. He knew the call was brutal - it was unmissable - there was nobody near Chris Bosh! As Bosh shot the free throws, Bavetta sidled over to the Celtics bench and seemed to tell them, "Yeah, I think I missed that one." Ya think? This is what I hate about NBA refs - it's like La Cosa Nostra (whatever that is - why did I write that, I don't even know what it is - is it the Mafia?) - they can't ever admit a mistake and make the call right. If Danny Crawford knew the call was wrong, and Bavetta knew the call was wrong, why did Bosh still get two free throws? A few minutes later, Bavetta jammed up a block-charge call under the Heat hoop (again, in the Heat's favor - the only consistent thing about Dick Bavetta is that he loves the appreciative roar of the home crowd - he's always messing up the call that way!). Danny Crawford had finally had enough, he was like, "Fuck it, this is a real game, I'm changing the call." I applaud you, Danny Crawford, even if the call went against Miami.

5a) Just noticed this - Jermaino: 22 minutes, 0 points, 1 rebound. I'm not even mad, that's kind of impressive. Oh, Jermaino...

6) Movie Review: Drive. Tried to watch Drive last night, at long last.  Put the boys to bed, poured myself a glass of red wine, settled down on the couch...M. Minutos may have been there, too - not too sure.  For twenty minutes, it was the greatest night of my life.  The seedier parts of Los Angeles, all burnt orange-y with splashes of icy cool blue, and ominous, synth-y, hipster music. Ryan Gosling with a vintage, short Newman-esque haircut, with sad eyes searching for meaning in life. Thennn, the screener DVD that my friend MCM gave me got janky, and I had to turn it off after twenty minutes. Whew. Don't blue ball me, MCM and Ryan Gosling. Don't blue ball me. You think it was over when I had to turn off the janky DVD last night? It's still not over!!!
---
Back tomorrow night, I think we play Charlotte. If you need me before then, I'll be squinting off in to the distance, answering questions with one syllable, and driving my Prius at ninety miles an hour down Dixie Highway. See you tomorrow!
-----

Heat 105 Mavs 94

2011-12-25T17:27:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) They say you have to beat the champs to be the champs. Dallas claims to be the defending champions, though I still have yet to see hard evidence. We beat 'em down, in Dallas - guess we're the champs! This is what the Christmas spirit is all about - humiliating a team on their home court! Who got the juice now, Mavericks? Who got the juice now? Happy LeBronica and Merry Boshmas! And. we. are. off!

2) We've seen this before - team wins a championship, opens at home the next season, raises a banner, and they are not quiiiite ready to play. Miami went through this 2007, getting blown off the court against the Bulls in the season opener after the title. Today, Miami was ready to play; Dallas wasn't. This game was over halfway through the second quarter when Miami's lead ballooned to the high 20s, peaking at 35 in the third quarter. As will be the case all season with such a compressed schedule, this was a matter of when, more than who. Although, Dallas opted not to bring back Tyson Chandler (because the Mavs aren't Fam - "thanks for the title - see you later, Tyson!") so it's not exactly the same team - no resistance in the paint defensively...

3) ...which meant that LeBron and Wade could post up all day and create easy shots. Dallas was ill-prepared and Miami was so juiced, that it was tough to find anything really meaningful in the game, except for signs of a new offense featuring both of those guys in the post area. LeBron showed the same mid-post game he displayed in the pre-season. It's not a classic, "catch it on the block and bump and grind to the rim" post up game. It's a "catch it at 15 feet, turn and face, and go to work" post up game. And you know what? That's enough. It allows LeBron to face the basket, which is how he is more comfortable, and then do the same things he always does - but, now, a 20 foot jumper becomes a 14 footer. His sweet new move where he faces, shows the ball above his head, and then flips the short jumper looks comfortable, repeatable, and fairly unstoppable. He also had a spinning left-handed jump hook 'and-one' that was spectacular. And, to be fair, mixed in a few bad fallaways. He had 33 points, 9 rebounds, and 6 assists through three quarters (37 overall)...so that's fairly decent. He also was part of the play of the game. Mario Chalmers snuck up from behind on Dirk Nowitzki on the baseline, picked him clean from behind, and steamed up court with LeBron on the right wing, and Wade on the left. As they approached the basket, Emcee lofted a fairly ill-advised alley-oop to LeBron, who was covered by Shawn Marion, so LeBron elevated over Marion, and tipped the ball back to a flying Wade, who jumped, caught the ball in the air, and FLUSHED!!! A double alley-oop! A dalley-oop! Besides a flurry of first half turnovers, Wade was everywhere - 26 points, 8 rebounds, and 6 assists. At one point in the third quarter, he and LeBron had 45, and the Mavs 43. In the end, it doesn't really mean anything - only the playoffs will mean anything again this year - but it was super-fun to watch.

4) Shane Battier played 4 first half minutes. He's been out with a strained quad, and since he wasn't necessary, he sat the entire second half. His main contributions: 1) shoved Mavs guard Jason Terry down to the ground on a transition play, allowing rookie Norris Cole (who had his moments) to finish a layup at the rim; 2) was invariably the first Heat player up off on the bench and on to the court to greet the team during every time out - that's nice to see, but at some point this season there is going to be a high-speed collision between he and LeBron, who freight-trains towards his seat on the bench during every break...Joining Battier on the bench was fellow wing Mike Miller, out a couple more weeks with a hernia. Should be back mid-January; that tells me that mid-to-late January should be his next injury. His houndstooth jacket is now the leader in the clubhouse for "Bench Outfit of the Year." Let's see how long that stands up...Battier and Miller are Dwyane and LeBron's backups at the wing. Battier and Miller's backup, James Jones, made three triples in a row during the second quarter run that effectively ended the game. Wings for days. Damn!

5) M.Minutos, back for another season, noticed at the start of the game that it seemed much darker in Dallas' arena than it did in Madison Square Garden for the Knicks-Celtic game which was on just before the Heat game. Either that, or we have darker players. Starting lineup: LeBron and Wade, they are pretty dark; Joel, very dark; Chalmers, lighter, more like a Carmelo Anthony shade; and Bosh somewhere in between - he's about the shade of M.Minutos, actually. On the Knicks, the aforementioned Melo and Chandler, on the lighter side, and Landry Fields, very, very white - he might be whiter than me. This is sample size-y - for instance, we think Wade is darker than Melo, but I propose we need to see them on the court together before judging definitively. It could just be that Dallas owner Mark Cuban is too cheap to pay for better lighting. I mean, he was too cheap to bring back Tyson Chandler...Yes, these are the things we talk about in Casa Minutos during a thirty point blowout. Or, any other game.

6) This was one of the presents I got this morning, a Miami Heat/Dos Minutos notebook, with the following letter:

Listen, they aren't, like, random scraps of paper. I take a normal piece of 8.5 x 11 white paper, fold it in half just so, and then scribble mostly indecipherable notes on it which I can not read at game's end. You would think M.Minutos, who has published like five novels, would recognize a totally effective writing methodology when she sees it. On the other hand, we're 1-0 wth the new notebook - double-positive jinx is: On! We may never lose!
---
Next game is Tuesday, home opener against Boston. Paul Pierce may or may not be available with a sore heel. Kevin Garnett may or may not be available after smacking someone in the neck during the Knick game (then waiting for other people to intervene so he didn't get his butt kicked). If you need me before then, I'll be at the mall exchanging all my Christmas clothing gifts - I'm going all in on houndstooth! Happy Holidays!
-----

Orlando104 Miami 100 (preseason)

2011-12-21T19:15:00.000-08:00

1) Ask me how I'm doing. No, really, ask me how I'm doing. For real...I ate empanadas in Paul Walker Park in downtown Miami for lunch today! I'm up in here, I'm on fiyah! PAUL WALKER!!

2) Preseason basketball is brutal. We are halfway through the fourth quarter - I was ready for this game to be over an hour ago. Miami played a great first half -- LeBron with some sweet moves in the mid-post gave the offense a new wrinkle. Then, just when it seemed that Orlando's entire season would disintegrate, Stan Van Gundy's head would explode, and they would trade Dwight Howard to the Lakers or Nets at halftime, suddenly they found their legs and started draining jumper after jumper, and now lead by 7 with five minutes to go. No one could care less who wins or loses. Starters are out. Maybe Coach Spo. But I doubt it.

3) Best moment of the game: When The President, and former Heat small forward, Quentin Richardson, tried to start a fight with the man who replaced him, LeBron James. The Pres is fiery, and he's Fam, but he got a little too geeked up tonight and kept skirmishing with LeBron like it was the Eastern Conference Finals.  When Pres finally ended one exchange by lowering his shoulder for a shiver into LeBron's chest, which LeBron, to his credit, mostly laughed off, the refs responded in true midseason form by giving Pres a normal foul, a technical foul, then mistakenly giving the ball to Orlando after the technical free throw, then realizing it 25 seconds later after calling a phantom foul on Juwan Howard when his son Dwight tried to drive past him to the basket, then huddling to talk about it for 6 minutes, then taking Dwight Howard's free throws away and giving the ball back to Miami, then arguing with Stan Van Gundy for 6 more minutes before re-starting play. Good job, refs! Anything you can do to drag this preseason game out even longer is much appreciated!

4) Prediction time: If I have to pick "any other team" or Miami to win the title, I'm going "any other team." That's smart money. If I have to pick one team, I'm picking Miami. They were probably the best team last year; they are probably the best team this year. After that, I would guess: Chicago, then Dallas, then OKC. That's all I'm predicting. Predicting is fairly dumb -- they're going to play games, we don't need to predict what's going to happen, we can just watch it. The one thing I know: more than ever this season, it's not going to be only WHO you play, but WHEN you play -- the crazy, compressed schedule is going to lead to some serious sample size-y results. Let us go, Fam -- let us go!

5) Game is finally over, Orlando won. Crowd seems fairly pumped. Or they are manically desperate because Dwight Howard is on his way out of town -- Ha, Jax is asking J.J. Redick about it right now!!! J.J. is right -- as long as they have Dwight Howard, Orlando will be pretty good. Like this J.J. Redick -- he's overcome absolutely brutal coaching in college to craft a pretty good career...By the way, did everyone but me know that Steven Tyler is on American Idol now? I've seen this same dumb ad forty times during the game...Man, preseason basketball is brutal...Best thing about the lockout: only two preseason games!

6) Book Review -- Malcolm X: A Life of Reinvention, by Manning Marable. Alex Haley's The Autobiography of Malcolm X has stood as the definitive record of the Nation of Islam minister for over forty-five years! That's a looong time for a single book on such a controversial and interesting dude to endure as the gold standard. That book is part Malcolm speaking directly to the readers, part Alex Haley skillfully constructing a readable narrative, and it presents an iconic, incendiary, coming-of-age fable about a passionate intellectual. Look at how the imagery of Malcolm X has endured -- that doesn't happen without Alex Haley's book. I love it - it is one of my favorite books ever. This new book, which came out this past year, aspires to be something Autobiography is not: a definitive, factual, documented account of Malcolm's life. Alex Haley was a writer, but he wasn't a historian; Manning Marable, the author of this new biography, is a historian who possesses only workman-like writing skills. I love the topic, so I love the book. When it was published, it was reputed to be highly controversial, but that's mostly hype. There are some interesting nuggets in there, though, which we didn't previously know about Malcolm X. Here are my three favorites:

     1 -- Was second cousins with Malcolm Jamal Warner
     2 -- As a young adult living in Boston, once nailed Lola Falana after a J. Geils concert at the
            Beacon Theater
     3 -- Until his later conversion to genuine Islam, he always claimed he hated white people; yet, he
            loved frozen yogurt

Okay, okay, okay -- the preseason is mercifully over. Let's Stay the Course! We Have Enough! Fifteen Strong! Let's Get It On! Season starts Sunday in Dallas -- if you need me before then, I'll be calibrating my DVR so I make sure to miss Dallas' championship banner ceremony before the game. I've still never seen evidence that they actually won the title - and I'm going to keep it that way.  Happy Holidays, everybody!!!
-----

Heat 118 Magic 85 (preseason)

2011-12-18T20:22:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) I don't know how it's going elsewhere around the league, but all the people who claimed that the NBA suffered irreparable damage from the lockout, and that it would take fans a looong time to come back, were spot on. In Miami, they only had nine thousand people on a week night for a intersquad scrimmage, and then had a full house at tonight's exhibition game. So, it took, well, maybe about ten days for everyone to come back. A quick Dos tonight, just trying to get some rhythm going, get my sweat on, get some shots up. Don't want to go too hard, too early - (let's go).

2) Actually, I know one place where it's not going real well, and thaaaat's Orlando. Not. Real. Well! Their best player, Dwight Howard, wants to be traded to...well, pretty much anywhere that's not Orlando. We've done this here before, but let's list the positives and negatives about Orlando as a place to live. Positives: none. Negatives: everything. Why wouldn't he want to be traded? I'm tired of it - he's whining that he wants to be traded, Orlando's whining that they want to keep him (especially their obnoxious GM Otis Smith, who constantly takes shots at the Heat). Trade him anywhere. He's a great player, wherever he is, Miami, or anyone else, will have to beat him to win a title. It's not, like, the end of everything if he gets traded. Oh, I mean, it's not the end of everything, except for Otis Smith and the entire Orlando franchise! Sorry dudes! See you in the lottery!

3) There was a game tonight, kind of. Both teams played their starters three quarters - Miami led by 20 or so after three. Then Miami put in its roster camp invitees, most of whom have no chance to make the team, Orlando left its starters in, sans Howard, and the lead suddenly ballooned to 37! Is that it? Is it over? Are we the champs? No? Oh, that was just a practice game. Damn -- thought we had wrapped the title up early...

4) LeBron, sort of, worked on his post game. But he still doesn't seem to understand the fundamental point of being down on the block. One, you can try to score from in close. Two, you can make the other team double team you, then find open people. Too often, he catches it, gives one shimmy, then fades away for a tough jumper that he can make because he is a freak. But there are better, more rhythmic, options. He has to be willing to hold the ball, and start to back people down. Overall, it was a positive development that he even went down there with some frequency - at a minimum, it changes the angle of attack somewhat, and gives the defense something else to think about. He made a couple of nice passes, including one sweet flip to a cutting Udonis Haslem, who missed the layup. We'll see how dedicated to it LeBron is when the real games start - can't hurt to practice it. They aren't going to play a game that truly matters until the playoffs, anyways...

5) Rookie point guard and flavor du jour Norris Cole looked pretty good. He spent a lot of time matched up against butterball-ish Magic backup point guard Chris Duhon, and was able to get up into Duhon's dribble defensively. Like that. Against Magic starter Jameer Nelson, he showed a little inability to get off of screens, but that's to be expected for a young player. I think his best skill is that he pushes the ball up the court, with his head up. He's a really nice ballhandler, unlike Mario Chalmers who treats the ball like a live hand grenade. He's going to get a chance to play. Also, Dexter Pittman went in there and threw his weight around a little - he still looks pretty fat, and slow, but he's fairly good at holding his spot on both ends of the court, and he has nice hands. He's going to get a chance, also. Because the season is going to have so many games, in so few days, everyone is going to get a chance to play. It will be fun to see if either of these two can take advantage of that, and craft a little role for himself.

6) I was planning to answer a question from good friend of the blog Thor down here in #6, but I have misplaced the list of questions he sent me a couple of weeks ago. And by "misplaced," I mean, "deleted the email." Instead, I will make one up for him, then answer it.

"Dear Dos, your last post was all about how the Heat franchise, and this season, is all about family. However, you hate people, are called "mysterious" by me and everyone else who knows you, and you dread going up north to be with your actual family...What gives?"

Dos: "What? That's totally different..."

We play Orlando again later this week in another exhibition game, not sure what day. Then, the real games start on Xmas, in Dallas! Suh-weet! If you need me before then, I'll be watching a porn I've been dying to see, which my friend MM burned and delivered to me over Greek omelettes at the O.P. today. And by "porn," I mean, Ryan Gosling's "Drive." Later!

-----

Heat/Black vs. Heat/White - Preseason scrimmage

2011-12-15T20:14:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) This is what it has come to, this is how popular it all is now - the Heat are now televising their preseason, intersquad scrimmages. That is bizarre; yet, I got more emails about this game than some playoff games last year. People. Are. Fired. Up. This season is going to be crazy -- we are jamming 66 games into a season two months shorter than a regular season. The Heat is going to play games three nights in a row, which never happens in an NBA season. They are going to play four games in five nights, multiple times. Five games in seven nights. Games, games, games! And, all this with a training camp a good three weeks shorter than normal. Ten nights from now, it starts for real in Orlando. So let's get ready to do it, let's get our nerdy-basketball-blog writing kinks out, let's put in some reps...Ladies and Gentleman, Welcome to The Shane Battier Show!!!

2) As I said, the season is two months shorter this year, thanks to the lockout. But it is going to feel longer. Why? Well, for one, the schedule is going to be jam-packed with games -- to compensate, we'll probably do some shorter game posts, maybe have some guest writers, and maybe take a night or two off. But the biggest reason the season is going to feel longer? Because new Miami Heat forward Shane Battier is never, ever, going to stop talking. He talked at length to our boy, sideline reporter extraordinaire, Jason Jackson on the pre-game show. He talked at length to Chris Bosh on the bench during the game (probably went like this: "Blah, blah, blah, blahaha." "Blah?" "Yes - blah, blah, blobbyblob, blah.") He talked at length to steady Eric Reid and The Coach, Tony Fiorentino, after the game. And he isn't just doing "basketball talk" - he listens to the question, thinks about it, then gives a well-reasoned response in multiple-paragraph form. He really, really, really had a lot to say...for someone who didn't even dress for the game, because he is out with a mild quadriceps strain, which he felt twinge during practice yesterday, but now he feels fine, but is being cautious with it, but will return to practice on Saturday...You know how I know all this? BECAUSE SHANE BATTIER SAID SO!!! Look - all we want you to say is that you are excited to be here, and you are looking forward to the season. GOODNESS GRACIOUS, SHANE BATTIER!!! This is going to be a long, long season!

3) Speaking of injuries, a surprisingly charming Eddy Curry, who is trying out for the team on a minimum contract after missing the better part of the last three years because he was woefully overweight, has missed most of training camp with a hip flexor problem. That can happen when you blow yourself up to four hundred pounds by eating a steady diet of Now and Laters (I didn't make that up). He assured Jax that he was being "precautious" with the injury, making sure he was feeling prehealthy before going back out on the prefloor. Jax also asked him what it was about the Heat organization that made him want to come down here to try out for the team. I'm guessing one major factor was that they asked him. Also, empanadas.

4) Worst moment of the game: Midway through the first quarter when Dwyane Wade drove the lane, went up for a shot, and took an extremely hard foul from the ageless Juwan Howard, back for his eightieth year in the NBA. Juwan was taking the short term view of the season -- I knock this Wade guy out, my team definitely has a chance to win this scrimmage. Then, on about the next six trips down the court, Howard went all "Iso-Juwan" on offense, with (very) mixed results. Juwan rarely plays, but when he does, M.Minutos (welcome back M.Minutos!) likes to point out that he has no sense of self, ability, time, score, teammates, or anything else that would help you to make good decisions on a basketball court. On the positive side of the ledger - still looks absolutely terrific. Staying young, Big Fella!

5) Okay, one basketball note, everyone is going to be talking about it, so we might as well address it. Everyone already is talking about it. Rookie point guard, Norris Cole, drafted late in the first round, looked good. Let's all reign it in a little, though -- guys drafted late in the first round rarely amount to anything. That's just fact. And Norris Cole is a smallish point guard. Worse, he doesn't possess elite athleticism - he's more of a "B" athlete. And his jump shot is flawed -- has a weird, step-in catapult release. Those three things together generally spell disaster for an NBA career. And, yet, there was a little something about him...He's old for a rookie because he spent four years in college, and it showed - he looked mature, he had his head up when he dribbled, he found creases in the defense and kicked out to open shooters, and he made runners. He looked committed to pushing the ball up the court, as well - always a positive. You don't have to be a great athlete to push the ball up the court and create open shots in transition - Andre Miller is one of the best fast-break point guards in basketball, and he can't outrun me. Look, Norris Cole can't ever be a star - he's not a good enough athlete. But can he be serviceable? I don't know. But he looked sharp tonight. I can guarantee you there is already an outcry for him to supplant Emcee Chalmers as the starter. That's absurd (and it is also a low, low bar); but, let's keep our eye on him.

5.5) Midway through the third quarter, Cole eyed a wide open three, but turned it down, passing the ball away. "Yeah, his jump shot is awkward, and he doesn't want to shoot threes," I told M.Minutos. Next time down the court, an open three presented itself and he knocked it down without hesitation. Two trips later, same thing. Improved confidence from the rookie? No - all me. Reverse jinx in midseason form, just two and half quarters into a preseason scrimmage! The lockout didn't hurt me at all, I have not lost a step!!!

6) To that po-lice who gave me a speeding ticket in Pompano Beach last week? One, I lied to you, I am not sorry at all that I was speeding. Two, I'm not paying the ticket, you right-wing, fascist errand-boy. Three, you did kind of have a nice motorcyle, that was kind of cool. Happy Holidays, Robodouche!

There is an exhibition game Saturday night against Orlando. I find it hard to believe that I will watch it and then write about it, but you never know. More likely to have a definitive season preview some time next week. If you need me before then, I'm revising my Christmas list to move the noise-cancelling headphones to the very top -- it is going to take all the technology our greatest audio minds have to offer to drown out this Shane Battier! See you later!

-----

Season Preview pt. I

2011-12-11T17:45:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Ahh, what a difference a year (plus a couple of locked-out months) makes! Training camp has opened - and last year, Miami's training camp was a zoo. Every practice, every comment, every preseason game, every pass, every shot, every time Joel Anthony grabbed a rebound only to watch it squirt inexplicably skyward, became fodder for debate, argument, analysis, speculation, etc. Not just in Miami, but nationally. ESPN created an entire webpage, staffed by a team of writers, just to cover the Heat, and left its normal staff and coverage for the other 29 teams. And, it never subsided, not for one moment, during the entire season, in which a Heat team which everyone claimed was mismatched, ill-coached, selfish, and evil, got to within a couple of soft fourth quarters from LeBron from winning the title. It was annoying, thrilling, agonizing, joyous - it was probably the most eventful, exciting, and significant season any NBA team has ever played. It was all about chaos. From beginning to end, that is what the season was about: chaos. But this year is different - it's a whole different vibe, at least locally, and to large degree, nationally, as other NBA controversies have stolen the interweb stories away from Miami. This year it isn't about chaos - refreshingly, the biggest offseason news is our boy Jax's report that the Heat will sport new uniforms this year. This year is about Family - because that is how the Heat organization does it. The Fam! Run by my dad, Mr. Pat Riley! Mr. LeBron James, shall we do it, shall we "Let's Go?" Yes, we shall. Let's do what we do!

2) So who is back? The Fam is back! And we've added to it! So obviously, Dwyane Wade and Udonis Haslem (sans braids!) are back. They started with Miami, have been here their entire careers, and though in years past each could have gone to bigger markets, and made more money, they've stayed, and they are the bedrock of the team. LeBron and Bosh are back, too, obviously, to try to help Dwyane, UD, and me win that second title. Again, LeBron and Bosh each passed on larger markets, and bigger dollars, to join The Fam. UD and Wade are like the cool older brothers who are awesome at basketball, have fake ids, and and lost their virginity at 14 (by winning an NBA title in their third season). LeBron and Bosh - they aren't Fam, exactly, but they live down the block and grew up coming down to our corner to play ball in the street, stay over for dinner, and spend endless hours lying in the grass outside drinking beer and wasting time (oops - that last part might have been my neighbor G and me). They aren't Fam by blood - but they are Fam by choice, by love...Which is different from how other franchises operate. Look at how the Lakers do - they've spent the past couple of weeks trying to trade Pau Gasol, only their best player in the last two NBA Finals that they won, and Lamar Odom, for Chris Paul, an outstanding, but somewhat gimpy-kneed point guard. When that didn't work, they iced Odom to Dallas, for nothing, and now will try to swap Gasol and Bynum to Orlando for Dwight Howard. Thanks for the titles, Pau and Lamar: now get to steppin'! Dallas won the championship last year, and declined to re-sign their second most important player in that run, Tyson Chandler, who walked to New York. They're breaking up their family after one season! Cold, Mark Cuban, cold! New York, in turn, did Chauncey Billups dirty by trading for him in the Melo deal last season (ripping him out of his hometown of Denver), but then jettisoning him this week to sign the aforementioned Chandler. Thanks for the twenty games of memories, Mr. Big Shots! Boston has been shopping their all star point guard Rajon Rondo for a season and a half...These are how other NBA teams do business - this is not how Miami does business. We win as a Family; we lose as a Family. Maybe that's bad business sense, or bad basketball sense, whatever, but down here, for now, that's how it's done. The Fam.

3) Also back, Emcee Mario Chalmers, three years, about four million per. He was a restricted free agent. There wasn't what you would call "overwhelming interest" in him, but Miami gave him a reasonable deal to return. He's forty percent loony tunes, but showed some significant mettle in last year's playoffs. In the end, he's the wacky and exasperating younger brother - he might be annoying, but he's still your brother...Also, other available options were even worse! James Jones is back as well - took three years at about the veteran's minimum. He, too, surely could have gone elsewhere, but opted to return to his hometown for less money, and less playing time. Lost in the cacophony of the Udonis Haslem and Mike Miller injuries last season, which probably cost Miami the championship, was James Jones' broken toe suffered during the playoffs. That left Miami out of backup wings in the Finals. With Miller and UD out, Jones stepped in and was terrific against Boston in the second round - shot the ball well, and while he is limited athletically, he competes defensively and always knows where to be on the court. He's a solid professional who you can throw out there at any time and feel that he won't kill you. He's like a great cousin - you don't hang around with him a lot, but when you do, you know you will have a solid time. Joel Anthony returns for another slippery year of hijinks, and Mike Miller survived being waived when it turned out his salary slot was not going to be enough to sign anyone better than he is, potentially - center Sam Dalembert was the target, but his asking price appears too high. Miller spent all summer getting in the best shape of his life, according to "sources" (him), only to have hernia surgery four weeks ago. He needs to hurry up and get healthy, so he can get back out there and get injured again! Joel's our original guy - he has a specific skill set which is really only valuable to Miami. He's Family. And Miller is UD's best friend, and close to LeBron - other teams might have waxed him to save money, but Miami's keeping him, at least for now, because he runs with The Fam.

4) So, who is new? Oh, no - backup forward Shane Battier! He went to Duke: strike one. He once severely injured Dwyane Wade (tore his shoulder out of its socket for no apparent reason), causing Dwyane to miss half a year, and throwing the entire Heat franchise into disarray for several seasons: strike two. And if there is anyone in the league who can out-talk Chris Bosh about every moment of a basketball season, and is willing to do it over-and-over-and-over in the media, it's Shane Battier: strike three! At least the Heat's debate team is going to be super-strong this year! The positives? One, he took below-market dollars to come here, which was all Miami had to spend due to the new collective bargaining agreement. Why? It figures: he's good friends with Heat owner Mr. Arison's son Nick (now a Heat executive). They went to Duke together. Two, basketball-wise, he is a solid, veteran defensive player. He's lost some quickness, but he knows how to play defense and is willing to take tough assignments, sparing LeBron and Dwyane minutes on tougher scorers. Also, he can make a corner three, and he doesn't figure to be overwhelmed by all the scrutiny this team is always under. Three, big Republican guy (though he did a Powell-esque flop to Obama in the last election). When the Republicans win this next election, at least we will have someone on this team psyched to meet Newt Gingrich at the White House, if we ever manage to win a title...I'm not gonna say Battier is Fam - he's more like the son of your mom's best friend, the one who is perfect - gets straight As, is a concert pianist, captain of the Water Polo team, and has a smart and beautiful girlfriend; while you can't make it to class, got cut from the basketball team because you missed six practices in a row to smoke weed in the parking lot with your townie friends, and tell everyone at school that you have a girlfriend, but that she lives in another town, and the only times you are able to see her are, coincidentally, the exact same times that no one from your school is around to verify her actual existence, ever. Even worse, when you have to hang out with this Battier kid, he's not condescending at all - he's super nice to you. So, overall, while I am not a Battier fan, he is a good guy to know, and to have on your team, I guess.

5) Who is gone? Well, Z retired and Jamal Magloire did the same, essentially, by signing with Toronto. Erick Dampier won't be back. There were a lot of rumors he has a fondness for the sticky-icky, which didn't leave a lot of time for basketball. Those departures were expected, and they don't really hurt the team. But you know what does hurt the team? NOT BRINGING BACK MIKE BIBBY, ONLY MY FAVORITE POINT GUARD IN THE HISTORY OF BASKETBALL!!! Yes, his prime ended in 2004; yes, he had, arguably, the worst collective post-season of any player in sports history last year - as we've pointed out, his highlight was throwing a towel during an opponent's free throw; yes, he seemed disengaged, uncomfortable, and to be perfectly honest, somewhat unlikable during his time here. Still, HE'S MIKE BIBBY!!! And guess where he's signing: THE KNICKS! MY LEAST-FAVORITE TEAM EVER! Please, someone, wake me up from this nightmare...

6) Movie Review: The movie with Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis. I don't remember the name, even though I watched it last night. First of all, let me say, someone reviewed this movie to me when it came out by saying, "Oh my God - you already are exactly like Woody Harreleson, and now, in this movie, he plays a loud, aggressively gay writer who loves sports! The only difference between you and this character is that you are much gayer!" Thanks for that - great review. I liked this movie. Started off a little too "Moonlight-y" for me, with snappy repartee and witty banter flying about like - well, kind of like at Dos Minutos International Headquarters, when The Captain and I are supposed to be working! It became frustrating quickly. Hey, Justin Timberlake, here's an idea: STOP TALKING FOR ONE SECOND AND HAVE SEX WITH MILA KUNIS!!! When they finally did get to it, the movie improved - no matter who was on top, it was a pretty good view! Finally, the film made great use of a running Third Eye Blind/Semisonic joke. It's funny because both bands were semi-lame late 90s early 2000s pop rock stars for teenage girls, and dudes who don't like cool music, right? I mean, it would be totally lame if a dude still had every Third Eye Blind album in his ipod, knows all the words to "Jumper," and once watched a six year old repeat of a Third Eye Blind concert on HDNet in its entirety (Mark Cuban's channel, by the way - there probably isn't any family programming on that network). I mean, that would be outrageously pitiful, right? Right!

We will come back in a few days with Part II of the season preview, probably. Until then, if you need me, I'll be on youtube, learning how to play songs on my guitar by watching my boy Marty Schwartz, which I've been doing all fall. I really wish you would step off that ledge, my friend!

Lockout Is Over!

2011-11-28T16:49:00.000-08:00

6 Thoughts

1) Well, he did it. I don't know how my dad, Pat Riley, snuck in there and ended this lockout for all of us without attracting any attention - that's almost impossible in our twittery-googlish society - but he did it. We're good to go, with games scheduled to begin on Christmas Day - Miami will be in Dallas, to watch the Mavs receive their rings. That's brutal - but thanks to tivo I'll never see it, just like I never saw Dallas actually win the title, because I turned the game off a few moments before the final buzzer. For all I know, the Heat came back and won the championship. Anyways, we'll have some season-y preview-y stuff as we get closer to starting the games, but for now, here's what you need to know. C'mon, LeBron James, let's get it...Let's Go!

2) Nothing will really change for Miami this season. At times during the lockout, there existed the possibility that the new collective bargaining agreement would contain rules which would lead to Miami having to alter the structure of the team, perhaps even having to jettison one of the Big Three. And by "one of the Big Three," I think we all know I mean, "Chris Bosh." That didn't happen. No matter what does happen during the abbreviated free agency period which begins December 9, essentially Miami is going to use the exact same formula they used last year - try to win a title with Dwyane, LeBron, and Bosh providing the bulk of the scoring, rebounding, and defending. The role players may change some, but championship or no championship is going to come down to those three. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't - I don't think you could say it can't work. They were pretty darn close last year...

3) "Samuel Dalembert" is going to be trending in Miami for the next two to three weeks, until he signs a contract elsewhere. A lot of people think that this Sacramento King free agent center is going to sign in Miami for the new mid-level exception, like 4 years for 20 million. I don't think this will happen - I think Sacramento will keep him for more money than Miami can offer. People seem to think that Dalembert wants to sign in Miami because, one, he has a house in Boca; and two, Miami is closer to his native Haiti than Sacramento. Half the NBA has a house in South Florida. And Miami is closer to Haiti than Sacramento, yes. But there's, like, an ocean in between, and he'll be working during the season - it's not like he's going to be able to pop home for dinner. He's a solid rebounder and defender - I'm not going to complain if somehow Miami ends up with him - but if Udonis Haslem is back healthy this year, that goes a long way to addressing the front court rotation without having to spend all your available money on Dalembert. On the other hand, Heat play-by-player Eric Reid is a huge Sam Dalembert fan - never fails to point out how excited the South Florida Haitian community gets whenever Sammy returns to play in Miami! My former co-worker GD grew up in Haiti - "Hey, GD, how do you feel about Haiti's favorite son, Sam Dalembert, potentially joining the Heat?" "Sam Dalembert is Haitian?" So there's that...Also, it would be nice to have a starting center who doesn't naturally ooze dairy products from his pores...

4) Mike Miller put his house on the market a few weeks ago. It's been assumed for months that there would be an "amnesty clause" in the new CBA, allowing each team to waive one existing player without having that player's remaining salary count against its salary cap. Miller, who signed a five year deal before last season, had the most injury-plagued season I've ever seen a human being experience: broke one thumb at the beginning of training camp, then the other thumb at the end of the season; in between, suffered back-to-back concussions in a ten day span, sprained his ankle, and suffered a shoulder injury which required post-season shoulder surgery. If he's healthy, he's a big help - he can shoot, and he rebounds well for a wing. But last year he was essentially worthless. Rumors are that Miami let him know weeks ago that they would probably have to amnesty him to free up money to bring in more help, prompting him to put his house up for sale - sweet house, too:

He lives, for some reason, in North Broward, not too far from me. It's on the market for like nine million dollars - thinking of making a lowball offer of about $370,000, with an escalation clause which could push it north of $400,000. 'Course, if I go over $400K, I'm asking him to pay some of the closing costs. May not sound like a great offer to him right now, but if he has to pack and move in a hurry to, say, Portland, having an offer already on the table could look pretty sweet.

5) If I had to guess, I think the starting day point guard will be Tracy McGrady. Yes, that Tracy McGrady - he's still alive! Sort of! First, I think Mario Chalmers, who is a restricted free agent, is going to leave. He had his moments in the Finals last year, and I think he thinks he is good enough to play a bigger role on another team. I mean, he's not - but he's half-wackadoo, half-unconscious - he doesn't know he's not! See: Beasley, Mike ("This Dwyane Wade is taking all my shots and holding me back!"). Mike Bibby, while arguably my favorite point guard of all-time, even in his current radically-diminished form, isn't really a viable option - I mean, his season highlight was throwing a towel off the bench while Derrick Rose shot a free throw, possibly causing him to be distracted and miss. There aren't any good available free agent point guard on-the-ball defenders available, which is really the only thing they need at that spot (since LeBron is the offensive point guard). They drafted a rookie point guard, Norris Cole, at the top of the second round. That's a flyer, that's just a prayer - you hope maybe he does something...someday. So, I think they are going to end up signing grouchy, old, used-up Tracy McGrady to play the point. He isn't much of a playmaker, his wheels are shot, and even at his peak, his primary skill was bad shot-making, because he either couldn't, or didn't care about, creating good shots - which is not a skill Miami needs at all. His main two selling points? He had a decent season for a terrible and depressing Pistons squad last year, and he thinks he is good. Sounds enticing, I know. I think he starts opening day, with either Bibby, or some other scrap heap veteran backing him up (Jamal Tinsley? TJ Ford?), and rookie Cole as the emergency third option. I'm not advocating any of this, I'm just guessing that this is what will happen. By the way, before free agency last year, I predicted the team would end being Wade, Dalembert, and Andre Iguodala - and I was psyched! - so really, I know nothing.

6) Bradley Cooper is People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. This is news? Ummm, duhhh!!!

Okay, free agency, and training camps, etc, begin December 9th. We'll try to check in around that time. If you need me before then, I'll be out buying kayaks and jet skis - M.Miller's house is right on the coolest little inlet ever!!! Later!

-----

October/November 2011

2011-10-31T20:29:00.000-07:00

"Happy Halloween. I'm dressed as an aging, hoodie-wearing dad drinking a superstrong cocktail in his thermos while walking his kids around the neighborhood. How u?"

6 Thoughts

1) The NBA season is scheduled to start tonight, November 1st. Miami plays the Knicks in The Garden - sweeeeet opener! Stat an' Melo!!! Can't wait! Oddly, not much steam around the season beginning - it's almost like it isn't starting at all...How u?

2) Okay, so the lockout is still going on - there aren't any talks currently scheduled between the owners and the players, so I'm not gonna lie - it seems unlikely Miami is actually going to play in New York tonight. That's okay, that's okay, this thing will be settled at some point and we'll get to it. Sixty percent of the readers of this blog hate basketball anyways. In lockout news, Heat owner - and, like, owner of Israel - Mickey Arison got fined $500,000 for his tweets over the weekend ripping the other NBA owners, in general, and Clippers' owner Donald Sterling, a notorious turd-ass, specifically. His rip on Sterling was the best - a fan tweeted at him something like, "Donald Sterling is a notorious turd-ass, right?," and Arison re-tweeted it with an "lol." Man, that's going to be a little uncomfortable around the NBA Thanksgiving table in a couple of weeks. Mickey Arison is the coolest owner, ever. On general principles, I despise The Man, but Mickey is the best. In fact, in recognition of his coolness, and my respect for him, in this blog henceforth he shall now be referred to only as "Mr. Arison." Mr. Arison never complains about spending to win; the players all seem to love him; most of the other owners - the ones who aren't turd-asses - seem to love him; and, most of all, he hired my dad, Pat Riley, and has stayed out of his way, allowing pops to build this team to championship level, or near-championship level, three different times in fifteen or so years. Thank you, Mr. Arison. Please solve this lockout for your less-cool business partners...

3) Something you can do while the NBA is locked out: Acquire all the DVDs or downloads of this British police procedural called "Luther" and watch them. I hate police/legal procedurals, and I love it; M. Minutos loves them, and she double-loves it. It stars Stringer Bell, from The Wire, and his young partner, English Downey Jr. Lots of grisly British murders committed by otherwise impeccably-mannered psychopaths. Full disclosure: half my peeps are from England, and I love pretty much everything about that country, except Monty Python, and the very, very painfully so-hip-that-he-is-extremely-painfully-unhip Ricky Gervais. Ta.

4) Someone wrote in to ask how The Captain's Troubled White Man's Beard is doing. I am happy to report that it is gone. Yes - it was an awesome beard. Yes - if given the choice, I might have chosen for him to remain troubled and keep the beard. However, I am almost equally happy to report that The Captain has been as carefree as a frivolous young English lass lately, and, predictably, clean-shaven. One of his giddier moments recently occurred when someone complimented a snappy blue and gray shirt and tie combination he was sporting - "very modern," the compliment-giver applauded him. "Yes - you couldn't get colors like this thirty years ago," The Captain pointed out, somewhat immodestly. Blue and gray? Really? Like, in 1980, you might have been describing the ocean to someone, and you would be like, "It was such a clear blue," and the other person would look at you like you were out of your gourd because "blue" hadn't been invented yet? Really? Because I don't remember that at all, I have a somewhat different recollection of the evolution of color description in my lifetime. Still, though, great to see The Captain on top of his game, and looking more handsome than ever, without the beard.

5) Best email this blog has ever received, from a couple of weeks ago, from long-time reader D.S. This is the whole, un-doctored email, by the way:

I once sat in a doctor’s office in Jupiter – in the waiting room was Bryant Gumbel and Brent Musberger – they nodded at each other and never spoke – very strange

6) Best donut: glazed donut. It's a classic, boiling down the donut to the essential sweet-dough-and-sugar formula; it is pretty tough to mess up; and even if it is a bad glazed donut, it's probably still fairly decent. Worst donut: Boston Cream Pie donut. One, it's disgusting; it's totally inedible. Two, too easy to fuck up - could have too much cream in the middle, or not enough, or could be ill-distributed to one small region of the donut. Three, it's not even really a donut - it's more of an eclair, which is also disgusting. You're welcome. The end.

Now that the season is about to be delayed, I kind of miss it. But I don't miss having to write eighty-two game blogs! We'll be back when the lockout ends, if not sooner. Until then, if you need me, I'll be tweeting at Mr. Arison, trying to see if he can buy the closed Krispy Kreme shop near my office and re-open it. If anyone can do it, Mr. Arison can. How u!

September 2011

2011-09-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

What is up? Summer is over, fall is here, and the NBA remains stalemated (stalemet?) in a lockout. Training camps and preseason are now in immediate jeopardy, which is good, because both are super-boring. A lot of people have been expressing concern – not really about the lockout itself, because they could care less. They seem to be more concerned about my well-being. I get a lot of questions which basically boil down to “What are you going to do with all the extra free time, loser?” To be honest, probably nothing productive. But tonight we are going to give you six thoughts! Let's Go!!!

6 Thoughts

1) I am not addicted to Xanax. Yes, I started taking it recently to reduce my anxiety during plane flights, and it worked fairly well. If you have never tried it before, it isn’t nearly as good as marijuana or ecstasy, or most other drugs – you don’t get to that same creamy altered state - but it is definitely better than copious amounts of alcohol, because you don’t have to pee as often. So for flights it works well. I thought about telling a 9/11 joke here, but it probably isn't appropriate. Also, I couldn't think of one. Jesus, I really, really hate flying...

2) You can not will the stigmata in to your body. At least I can’t. I tried, several times, during the summer. Basically I would just lie spread-eagled on my bed, shut my eyes, and try to put my mind in a, umm, stigmatic state. Never worked. Not even too close, really. One time I felt a little scrape on my right ankle, but it was just sand from the beach that O. Minutos had tracked into my bed. Now that I am thinking about it: Is the stigmata good or bad? I’m not too strong on religion, as you know. Like, if a priest gets the stigmata, is he psyched? Bummed? Dead? Not too sure, really. During one of the attempts, M.Minutos asked what I was doing, I told her, and she said, “You realize you’re not even Catholic, right?” Yes – yes, I do. That’s what makes this so difficult…

3) Biggest NBA news of the summer (and it’s not even close): LeBron has finally addressed the many questions about his receding hairline! As readers of this blog know, last season, on numerous occasions, M.Minutos accused LeBron of gradually raising his headband as time went on to disguise his growing forehead. This led to the Casa Minutos game: “Predict which season LeBron will let it go and shave his head.” I still stand by my strong belief that he should have done it before last season – coming to a new team, as a villain (albeit a pretty polite villain, overall), presented the perfect opportunity to get that done. He didn’t, and thus in late August finally had to issue this statement via Twitter:

Had a dream my hairline was back! Woke up and went to bathroom, turned on light slowly. Same old story. Damn! Lol #wishfulthinking

Besides destroying MVP Derrick Rose in the playoffs, this is the best thing LeBron has done as a member of the Heat! Getting ahead of this story, taking it “head on” with a little bit of humor, shows a reasonable sense of self-awareness and promotional savvy that he seemed to lack all season long. LeBron is growing up! And losing his hair in the process! I have to believe this will free him mentally – maybe this was one of the reasons he wouldn’t go down on the block on offense last year: fear his headband would get knocked off, and he would get exposed. As a fellow balding man, I can appreciate the angst it can create, and know that LeBron will be better for addressing the issue – at a certain point you just have to let it go, and shave it down. Over an 82 game season, three easy playoff series wins, and one excruciating Finals loss, I never really felt LeBron was “one of us.” He still may not be a true “Heat” – but we will definitely accept him into the balding community! Welcome to Baldsville, LeBron – you’re my new favorite player!!! It’s not Dwyane’s team anymore – it’s YOUR team!!! OUR team!!! LET'S GO!!!

4) Whitest People Ever: George Washington, Mark Linn Baker, Tim Tebow, and Rumsfeld...People Who Seem Very White But Are Not: Lincoln (very swarthy; bearded; and wore a top hat and cape, like a sultan); Republican candidate for president, and former CEO of the imaginary ‘Godfather’s Pizza,’ Herman Cain (actually pretty dark-skinned); and Philip Seymour Hoffman (Jewish). [Editor’s note: Now watching the Republican presidential debate. Candidate Cain just proposed that we model the U.S. social security system after Chile’s (the restaurant Chili's? chili the food?). Uh-oh – not sure that’s going to play too well amongst the conservative Republican Teapartiers. I think that next he’s about to come out in favor of Death Panels! Again, this is why black dudes should probably stick to being Democrats. On the other hand, from what I can tell, he is the only one of these candidates with a definitive plan to do anything about anything, even if it is a plan, possibly, centered on a tomato-and-bean based stew...]

5) New driving game: Wrong Foot Driving. Should be self-explanatory. By the way, this can be very dangerous - only try this if you are R.Minutos.

6) So I was talking to a dude at a party a couple of nights ago, and he’s seen the blog a time or two (or a thousand) and he’s like, “Seriously – what are you doing with all your time since there isn’t any basketball to think about,” and I laughed, and he got a real concerned look on his face and goes, “No – seriously, what are you doing with your time?” And I was, like, “Oh, seriously? I’m watching English Premier League soccer,” and then he thought I was being a pain in the ass, so he just walked away. But, seriously, that’s what I am doing. I had no idea that I liked EPL until this year. O.Minutos, P.Minutos and I got sucked into Copa America, the South American soccer championships, this summer. We watched for three straight weeks on Telemundo and Univision, despite the fact that none of us speaks a word of Spanish. We were drawn to Uruguay, and got on them early – when they ended up winning, and striker Luis Suarez was the tournament’s MVP, we felt Uruguyan – “Ich bin ein Uruguyan!!!” Then we found out Suarez plays for Liverpool in EPL (after leaving the Dutch league, where he was once suspended for biting a guy). Then we found out that the ownership group that owns the Boston Red Sox owns Liverpool – and no one is a more convenient, bandwagon-y Red Sox fan than I am. Then, it turns out that LeBron is an investor in Liverpool – and when LeBron went public with the bald thing, I was two-thirds of the way in! First, I had to make sure that Liverpool wasn’t too douche-y a team to root for: my Scottish friend Scott gave his blessing on that (only negative- turns out the Beatles are from Liverpool). Then I had to figure out the differences between EPL, La Liga, Serie A, and Bundisliga, and what the hell the Champions League is. I think I got that. I had to figure out how to see the Liverpool games – turns out that Fox (Fox! I thought they hate foreigners! Wait- what? Oh, just brown foreigners!) has a soccer channel which shows a ton of EPL – it’s way down in the 1700s on my dial. I had never been past, like, 1400. Since then, I have been loving it – I haven’t missed a game yet, Suarez has been on fire, and Liverpool is right back in the hunt to return to Europe (that’s inside-y soccer stuff). I am even watching the mid-week highlight shows! Things about EPL that are better than the NBA: One, no instant replay! Thank Christ! If the ref fucks up a call, he fucks up a call, and we all live with it. There’s no going back to the replay so that he can re-fuck up the call. He couldn’t get it right the first time – now we are going to trust him to review it and get it right? At the end of a game, when it’s really important? Hell-no-thank-you! How about the other seventy calls he fucked up during the course of the game – 2 points is 2 points, no matter when you score them. Replay in sports is the work of the devil or, maybe, Mark Cuban...Two, tons of foreign dudes with weird names. Liverpool has a guy – not even sure where he’s from, he may be Hollish – named Dirk Kuyt, except it’s pronounced “Cowt,” like “cow” with a “t” on the end...Three, no salary cap. If there were no salary cap in the NBA, Miami would never lose a game because it’s in Miami, they have Dwyane Wade, and the owner, Mickey Arison, like, owns Israel...Four, when you live in South Florida, tons and tons of people love soccer, and they all have a different club they like, and it’s fun to talk about it; for basketball, everyone just likes Miami, and they want to fire Spo every time the Heat lose a game...So I am all in on the EPL. New feature in this blog, starting next week: From The Top of the Table - Current EPL Standings (A Statistical Analysis)!!! When the basketball lockout is over, I’ll decide whether EPL or the NBA wins out. But for now, I am enjoying my new sport. Cheers!

I’ll be back in a few weeks, or whenever the lockout ends (maybe). Until then, if you need me, I’ll be at Anfield. You’ll never walk alone…

-----

Summer of 2011, episode 1

2011-07-21T14:45:00.000-07:00

Hello, people. We are in the middle of a lockout, and it is great. We don't know when the next season will start, or even when the players and owners will start negotiating again. Several foreign players, along with a couple of American players who don't save their money, have already decided to go play overseas next season to at least get some kind of guaranteed paycheck. That makes it feel like the lockout is going to last a looong time. That's sad. On the positive side, no one has emailed me to complain about Chris Bosh for weeks!...It's time to check in here, just say 'hey,' and give you a little idea of what we think about during lockouts.

6 Thoughts

1) Terrible idea: When it became apparent (via his Twitter feed) that Mario Chalmers was running a basketball camp. "Okay, then, when the whistle blows, we'll move on to this next station, where we will practice running aimlessly through a halfcourt defensive possession until we run into the back of someone's hip as they are shooting a 22 foot jump shot with the shot clock going off. Then, we'll break for some bug juice..."
Even worse idea: When it subsequently became apparent (also via his Twitter feed) that Mario Chalmers had somehow participated in opening a cancer ward of some sort in a Lawrence, Kansas hospital (where he went to college - in Lawrence, Kansas, not in the hospital itself). "Well, Dr. Chalmers has reviewed your blood work and MRI, and he believes that it is possible that you may have some kind of cancer of some sort, but he's not too sure. Leave your number, and he'll get back to you..."

2) I mean, if my choice is only between Casey Anthony and Nancy Grace, I'm sorry, maybe I'm a terrible person, but I'm picking Casey Anthony. For sex. For anything. What else is there?

3) Lot of political talk at Dos Minutos International Headquarters this summer. First, from the right, Republican "candidate" for president, Herman Godfather. I forgot his real name, hold on, let me look it up...Ahh, yes, Herman Cain. First thing, of course, the obvious thing - he's a black Republican dude. People can act mock-offended all they want - "What - I can't be a Republican just because I am black?" No, no you can't. That's the first thing. The second thing: I watched the first Republican presidential debate, mostly as a performance-art piece to torture M.Minutos. Apparently, Herman Cain was the CEO of something called Godfather's Pizza. Listen - I've lived in Connecticut, Hawaii, Boston, and Florida - what the fuck is Godfather's Pizza? I think, maybe, I have vaguely heard of it. It's like frozen pizza, right? So I had The Captain do some research. It is actually a nationwide chain of pizza restaurants which not too many people have ever heard of, and apparently no one goes to, and, in fact, there is one like two miles from Dos M. Int'l HQs, but we didn't even know about it because it is housed within a gas station! And yet somehow, over the entire ninety minute debate, not one other candidate ever turned to this dude and said, "Excuse me, let me ask you something - what the fuck is Godfather's Pizza?" That, plus the fact that no one ever would ask Milt - excuse me, Mitt - Romney a question told me all I needed to know about this debate - it was a sham. These people don't care about the issues - who puts a pizza restaurant in a gas station?

4) Also from the right: The Captain and I realized that, obviously, Republican candidate for president Michelle Bachman definitely should use one of two songs from Canadian supergroup Bachmann Turner Overdrive as her campaign theme. Either "Taking Care of Business," or "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" would suffice. Both of those songs have been used in campaigns many times - do you think Bachmann Turner Overdrive was going for that? Like, "this is great - not only is it catchy, but someday the lyrics are going to be perfect for some wack-a-doo, non-musically-inclined politician to blare a thirty-five year old song as a campaign theme."

5) If there is any God - next year's starting point guard for the Heat? Alex Morgan:

There is no way she isn't better than Mike Bibby. Seriously, omigod- please let Alex Morgan play on the Heat...

6) Finally, a sad, sad day for music fans several weeks ago when long-time Bruce Springsteen saxophonist Clarence Clemons died. The Big Man lived not too far from Dos M. Int'l HQs, and the day he died, I remembered the time I met him one evening at Swampgrass Willies in Palm Beach Gardens. It was before M.Minutos and I had kids, and we were out one evening watching a friend of ours play a gig there. I saw Clarence sitting at a table there with his wife, and I was, like, "Man, I wish I could go say hi to him." When I was a teenager, I loved Bruce, his music was really important to me, until I got a little older and realized that it was very proletarian to like him, and moved on to musical acts more sufficiently ironic. I didn't want to go over to Clarence in Swampgrass Willies and try to explain that to him - who wants to hassle someone when he is trying to relax? But M.Minutos talked me into it, she was, like, You'll always regret it if you don't, blah, blah, blah...so I did. I walked over, and introduced myself, and told him what a big fan I was (and left out the part where it got douche-y to be a Springsteen fan), and, honestly, he couldn't have been warmer or nicer. He thanked me, and shook my hand, and said something like, "Yeah - it has always been an honor to play the sax with that guy." Then I was, like, "Yeah, listen, about that - in all those years playing with Bruce, didn't it ever occur to you to, like, lose the saxophone, and pick up a guitar, and try to get your rocks off? Not even once? I mean saxophone? What the hell kind of instrument is that for a grown-ass man in a rock band? Jesus..." And then I leaped on to the stage, ripped the guitar out of my friend's hands, grabbed the mike and screamed, "This is for everyone who plays in a band that rocks," and played a screeching, epic version of Third Eye Blind's "Semi-Charmed Life." The end.

See you soon, we'll check in later in the summer!

-----

Mavs 105 Heat 95 Dallas wins championship 4-2

2011-06-12T21:48:00.000-07:00

6 Thoughts

1) First of all, all credit where credit is due: The Dallas Mavericks are the champions, and they deserve it in every way. They were fantastic in the series - they won two games in Miami, which is all you need to know. Dirk Nowitzki is a fantastic player, and he is always a class act, win or lose; Jason Kidd is an all-time great point guard who is still savvy enough to help win ballgames; Jason Terry is a putz - but he played great; and even Dallas owner, Mark Cuban, whom I love to see lose - but only because he cares so much - deserves this because he is passionate, and he spends the money necessary to compete at the highest level. This Dallas franchise thought they were the better team in 2006 when Miami denied them a championship. This year, Dallas is the champion, and I can only imagine that it tastes all the sweeter for the wait. I am being truly honest when I say that I am happy for them. Congratulations to the Mavs! Out of respect to them, and in their honor, for the last time this year: Let's Go!

2) Look, we are mostly going to wrap up the season tonight, but just quickly, on the game: Miami got everything it could have asked for. As expected, back at home, the free throws flipped back Miami's way - they shot 33 to Dallas' 18. Tyson Chandler got into early foul trouble - that was predictable in Miami. More surprising, Nowitzki, for the most part, stunk the joint out, shot only 9-27. But with everything that went right, a couple of things went very wrong: Miami had already missed 13 free throws a minute into the fourth quarter. LeBron James found the missing jumper early, scoring a quick 9 points, but then was not quite assertive enough the rest of the night: his 21 points on 9-15 shooting with 6 assists and 4 rebounds was largely offset by his 6 turnovers. It wasn't the heroic night Miami needed from him. And besides Nowitzki, Dallas, for the second straight game, spread Miami out defensively and made shots. They finished 50% from the floor, and Jason Terry was the star of the game, scoring 27 points on 11-16 shots, many of them with LeBron covering him. Or trying to. Dwyane Wade was the best player in the series, but Nowitzki and Chandler were probably the second and third best. And it would be tough to argue that LeBron outplayed Jason Terry in the last couple...

3) Do I have any final thoughts on this whole Wade-LeBron-Bosh-The-Decision-Bump-Gate season? Yes, yes I do. In my mind, LeBron and Bosh came here for one reason, and one reason only: to help us win another championship. And by "us," I mean, of course, "Dwyane Wade, Udonis Haslem, and me." Anything else is besides the point. I don't care what the media says, I don't care what the fans of the other teams say, I don't care what the players on the other teams say - none of it really matters on the court. In retrospect, though it often felt like torture - because every season often feels like torture to me - I enjoyed this season thoroughly because I thought we had a great chance to win the title. Right up until we didn't. Everyone else can spend the next however many months killing LeBron, killing Bosh, killing Coach Spo - that's whatever. Next year, again, I will think we have a great chance to win the title, and we'll see what happens. The only truly interesting thing I read about LeBron's struggles in this final series (and he was utterly brilliant in the two series before it) came today, in the New York Times, from Dirk Nowitzki (although I don't when he actually said it, and I'll have to paraphrase it). Dirk was widely seen as gagging away the 2006 championship, and came back the next year, had an even better regular season, then was terrible as the Mavs got beat in the first round by Golden State, in one of the biggest upsets in NBA history - for years he's had the reputation as "too soft," "not clutch," "mentally weak" - everything LeBron is getting now, and will get all offseason. Dirk, asked about the criticism LeBron has been receiving, said quietly and sympathetically, "Look - I've been getting hammered for 13 years; if we win the championship, at least I'll have one year where I don't." I love that - people love to make every game, every play, for guys like Dirk and LeBron a constant, ever-shifting referendum on their psyches, their "legacies," their careers. It's boring - to me, anyways, I guess some people like it. When the burden of proof is winning a title - and for guys like Dirk and LeBron, it is - there is going to be disappointment more often than there is going to be success. Dirk is a good example of perseverance for LeBron to follow. To LeBron, from me: Thank you for entertaining me this season - beating Boston and Chicago so handily was incredibly fun and exciting - and even more so, for giving a chance to win a title. And the same on both counts to Chris Bosh, Emcee Chalmers (fearless again tonight), and the rest of the crew. And to Dwyane and UD? They know - this is how we do - we're back at it next season. As long as you're here, I'm here; when you're done, I'm done.

4) Okay, okay, okay, enough sadness: it was a great season! We got to The Finals, could have won, didn't, but we still have a great chance to win next season! However, we don't know when that will be. The collective bargaining agreement between the players and the owners runs out before next season, and most informed parties expect a lockout ranging anywhere from "a few games" to "there will never be another professional basketball game played again in any of our natural lifetimes." So a lot of people are like, "How do you and M.Minutos end a season? And what do you in the offseason? And do you have any special plans if there is a lockout?" First of all, we ended this season like we have ended every season that did not result in a title. M.Minutos storms out of the room moments before the final buzzer so that she doesn't see the end of the game, and I turn off the television so I don't have to watch the other team celebrate. I promise you: as happy as I am for them, I will never see Dallas jumping around to celebrate their title! What series? Second, I take M.Minutos into the bedroom and make long, languorous love to her. By mutual agreement, she fantasizes about Dwyane Wade; and I fantasize about, well, also Dwyane Wade. Then, I don't read the newspaper or the internet or email or text messages for about four days, after which time, the world has moved on to other matters, and so have I. I perfected this strategy in the late 90s when every season the Heat would get eliminated by the Knicks in excruciating fashion - if I don't hear about it, it's pretty much like it never happened. As far as the offseason, we usually pick out shows we haven't seen, and then watch the entire series on DVD. Two offseasons ago, it was The Wire. Last summer, Dexter. This offseason, Breaking Bad. And if the lockout goes on a long, long time? Well, this may be premature, but I have an agreement in place with The Captain: if he ever becomes the athletic director for Notre Dame football, he will give me a one year contract to coach them for 5 million dollars. After that one season, if we decide we want to continue the partnership, we do so. If it doesn't work out, we part ways with no hard feelings. So I'll probably do some gameplanning for that, hire a staff, etc...I don't know that much about football, so I have a lot to learn...

5) Okay, we don't want to say goodbye for the season down in # 6, so we'll do it here in # 5. Worst moment of the season? Well, if we had lost in the finals to Dallas, it probably would have been that - since that never happened, it was definitely the night in Miami when we lost to Portland, at the tail end of a five game losing streak.  Miami had lost four games in a row in excruciatingly ridiculous fashion - bizarre collapses, bad calls, heroic shots by the other team - and came out against Portland and played exceptionally hard and well, Dwyane and LeBron combined for like 70 points, and the Blazers still pasted them. It was the one time I thought, "Oh, no - maybe we just aren't good enough. I mean, that's kind of our 'A' game, and they waxed us." I remember just sitting there, looking at the tv, feeling doubt for the first time...A couple of nights later, Miami beat the Lakers, then Memphis and the Spurs, and I never felt that way again. Not even in the Dallas series, if it had ever happened. So that was the worst feeling. The best feeling? Everytime I had this conversation by email, text, or in person - it happened a lot, and it was usually about # 6, and it usually went like this: "Remember that time you wrote about --------?" "No." "Remember? You said something like ---- --- ------?" "Not really, no." "How can you not remember what you wrote?" "Oh - because I probably just made it up." Like, it always makes me feel good when I get a reminder that people read the blog because I don't usually think about it that way - in my mind, it's just for me and M.Minutos. And 2010 was such a difficult year for me - I was tired, mentally-breaking down, and had to suspend the blog for a while mid-season, while I worked out my troubles in therapy, and elsewhere. And I remember feeling better at the beginning of 2011, and telling my therapist about the blog, and that it makes me happy. And he was like, "Well, why don't you start writing it again?" And I thought about it, and I was so happy and relaxed partially because I was sleeping more, and feeling better about my life, and I remember saying to The Captain, "What if I bring back Dos, and then I hate it, and have to stop it again?" And he goes, "Who cares?" And that made me laugh, and I was, like, "Yes, let's write the blog again." And then when people read it, and even if they only enjoy the basketball parts, which some people do, and even if they only enjoy the # 6, which some people do, it is still a good feeling. Not a good feeling - a special, great feeling! So thank you to everyone out there, even if you only read this one post - it means a lot to me. And while 2010 was one of my worst personal years, so far 2011 is one my best, and in some small way, everyone who reads Dos Minutos has contributed to that. At the end of every season, I am always so tired of staying up late to write it, that I always assume that I won't bring it back the next season, but tonight, at least, I feel pretty lucky to have it, and pretty good - so who knows? This was the greatest four month run of basketball I've ever had: Connecticut won the Big East tournament, then the national tournament; O.Minutos led his team to the 9 year old championship; and the Heat got to within two games of an NBA title - if I don't bring Dos back, I'm worried I'll jinx this run of good fortune. If we've learned anything this season: Always respect the power of the jinx!

6) I spent 5 hours today on a boat with some friends and 10 nine year olds hopped up on Doritos, fruit rolls ups, and ice cream, shuttling back and forth through the intercoastal to a sandbar called "Beer Can Island." You do the math.  When I lived up north, I assumed that living in Florida is kind of like being on constant vacation - and, by the way, it is. I feel totally lucky that in five minutes, I can be at my friend's house, hopping in his boat and jetting out into the Atlantic. Which raises a question I often get asked by friends who are still up north: When are you going to buy a boat? And the answer is: Never! And the reason is: I am too lazy! I am happy - thrilled - to go out on your boat with you, a few times a year. Just know that as soon as we hit the dock at the end of the day, I am out of there (like LeBron in the fourth quarter of a championship game - ouch!). I am not staying to help you take stuff off the boat, I am not helping to wash it down with the hose, I am not carrying all the empty beer bottles I drank to the recycling bin - Jesus, I just spent 5 hours out in the hot Florida sun! I am tired, and I need to go home and take a nap! Which is exactly what I did today! Man, I love Florida - the sun, the sea, and friends with boats!!!

Annnd, that's it - that's a wrap on the season! If you are lucky, I won't bring this blog back whenever the new season starts! Either way, if you need me until then- I already told you: I'm going in to wake up M.Minutos now TO MAKE LONG, LANGUOROUS LOVE TO HER!!! And if you do need me, it has to be non-basketball-related. Because. I. Am. On. Vacation. Beginning. Right. NOW!!!  SEE YA!

-----

Mavs 112 Heat 103 Mavs lead series 3-2

2011-06-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

6 Thoughts

1) Really? Dwyane Wade has to get hurt in the fifth game of the NBA Finals? Really? That's what has to happen? He couldn't have got hurt on a Tuesday in December against Minnesota, or a Saturday in February against Detroit? Really - tonight he had to get hurt? C'mon, mannn! It doesn't even feel like a "real" loss, it feels fluky, which I suppose is a silver-lining in an otherwise dreary night...Dallas shot the snot out of the ball (13-19 on threes!), shot a bunch of fourth quarter free throws again, and LeBron couldn't find his jumper...Let's go...back to Miami, thank the Lord!

2) Wade got hurt in the first half on a collision with Brian Cardinal, of all people. Brian Cardinal shouldn't even be in an NBA Finals game! What are you doing putting him in there to injure Dwyane Wade, Dallas coach Rick Carlisle - I hate you!!! Banged up his hip, missed a few minutes, labored through the closing minutes of the first half, then stayed in the locker room for the first 8 minutes of the second half. Came back out, limping noticeably, with no explosion, with Miami down a handful of points, and still almost willed them to victory! It would have been an all-timer, for sure. Finished with 23 points in only 34 minutes, and most tellingly, only 2 rebounds. Didn't have lift in his legs. Man, Miami's got home games Sunday and, if they win that one, Tuesday - win two home games, and you're the NBA champions. If they lose because Dwyane Wade is limited - after playing like a hundred games this year - that is going to be super-aggravating....

3) Biggest exchange of the game: With Miami down 2, and two minutes to go, Wade drove middle, found LeBron cutting baseline, and LeBron elevated and finished while colliding with Tyson Chandler. At home, that is almost certainly a three point play, or at worst a no call and a basket, and Miami would have been up one or even. Instead, Joey Crawford called an offensive foul, wiping out the basket, Dallas came down and drilled a triple when Mike Miller inexplicably wandered down the lane trailing a driving Jason Terry, who was not his cover, leaving Jason Kidd alone to set his feet on the perimeter, receive a pass, and drain it. If that were Dwyane Wade or Dirk Nowitzki, they probably would have been awarded 4 or 5 free throws. But LeBron - nothing. Such is life as LeBron...Frustrating for Miami - it couldn't get that one driving LeBron call, the Mavs shot 13 more fourth quarter free throws in this game, and was in the bonus for the last seven and a half minutes - and it was that way for three games in a row in Dallas. That's not a complaint - that's life on the road in the NBA. If there is one tangible thing getting back to Miami can do for this team, it is the opportunity to perhaps get more chances to make fourth quarter stops. It just feels like they can't catch a break right now.

4) Totally heroic: Mario Chalmers. With Wade in the locker room, and then limping badly, and all Dallas defenders loading up on LeBron James in Dwyane's absence - and LeBron can't locate the stroke from the perimeter - Mario Chalmers came in and played as well as he can play in the first half, allowing Miami to hang around. Hit another first quarter buzzer-beating 45 footer when Mike Miller, wisely, sought him out for the crazy shot. As M.Minutos again pointed out, all that time everyone thought Mario was wasting in the gym by flinging half-court runners his entire life has now paid off two games in a row. Emcee hit 4-6 triples before the break and had 13 points. On the verge of getting run out of the game a couple of times, Chalmers saved them. Against all odds, he was Miami's best player in the half.

5) Dirk Nowitzki was great again - broke out with 29 points. Also, my third favorite boat captain on "Deadliest Catch," the raddest show on tv:

I did not think it was cool when Dirk's brother Edgar bailed on him at the end of Blue Crab season last week, but, in fairness, Dirk sits up in the warm captain's chair the whole time, barking over the loudspeaker at Edgar and the rest of the crew to pull pots faster, while they are down there working in, like, arctic hurricanes. We'll see how Dirk likes Opilio season without Edgar - I'm guessing he's going to wish he was a little less abrasive, and a little more understanding of Edgar's needs...

6) I got nothing tonight, but I'm in a suprisingly good mood considering Miami just lost a game in the Finals. Just seemed like fate when Dwyane got hurt - this game wasn't going our way, and even I couldn't jinx it back into a victory. But since I have nothing to write about, here's what we are going to do: a couple of months ago, someone emailed me a list of the 100 Least Appealing Celebrities, and asked me to comment on it. I never opened it - I don't even know who wrote the list, but I saved it for a night like tonight. I am going to pick a random number, riiight now-- okay: 31. Now, we are going to open it, and see who # 31 is, and see if we like them, or don't like them. You know, just see where it goes...Okay, hold up a sec while I check the list - I'll copy whatever they say about the person here, then comment below...Wait a second, there are only 20 names on the list, and there are no blurbs - what the hell? Okay, I'm picking a new number between 1-20, annnnd it is: 5. And number 5 is: JON PLUS EIGHT GOSSELIN!!! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE, HOW DARE YOU PLACE JON PLUS EIGHT ON A LIST OF LEAST APPEALING CELEBRITIES, JUST BEHIND THE OCTOMOM, AND JUST IN FRONT OF HEIDI MONTAG, WHOM I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA WHO SHE IS!!! WHY - JUST BECAUSE HE IS ASIAN, HAS BAD HAIR PLUGS, AND WEARS ED HARDY T-SHIRTS SEVEN YEARS AFTER THEY WENT OUT OF FASHION? FIRST DWYANE GETS INJURED AND NOW THIS? THIS IS THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!!! I HATE THIS LIST!!!

Man, these two teams, they're giving each other a battle. Miami won Game 1 kinda easy, then there's been 4 straight tight, tight ballgames. Dallas has won three. If Dwyane is healthy, I absolutely believe Miami can win two straight back at home - but it's going to be a war. If you need me before Sunday night, I'll be making my Top 100 List of Lists I Am Never Going To Read Again...Have a good weekend!

-----

Mavs 86 Heat 83 Series tied 2-2

2011-06-07T22:26:00.000-07:00

6 Thoughts

1) Oh - now I understand why Cleveland fans felt like LeBron quit on them last spring in the series against Boston! What in the name of Delonte was that tonight? LeBron shuffled through 46 minutes of "action" like it was an October exhibition game against Minnesota. It wasn't that he only scored 8 points - it was that he only took 11 shots, in an unbelievably passive performance. Worse, on the other end, he spent the fourth quarter getting torched off the dribble by Jason Terry to the point that Dallas started going at him. I was already exhausted before the game even started, and whatever little energy I had, LeBron sucked the life out of me over the course of two and a half hours. Man, LeBron - I can't even give you a "let's go" tonight - I'm just going to move on to # 2.

2) Even with that, Miami still had a chance to win because Dwyane Wade was, again, incredibly good: 32 points and 6 rebounds for Dwyane, along with 2 fourth quarter blocks, including one absurd rejection of a Tyson Chandler dunk attempt that Wade turned into a layup on the other end for a 5 point lead with 7 minutes to go. Only blemish on his night: a missed free throw with 30 seconds to go that could have tied the game. He's been the best player in the series, easily.   Unfortunately, Dirk Nowitzki or Tyson Chandler, and not LeBron, has been the second best, in all probability.

3) Tyson Chandler was fantastic tonight. He is an outstanding defensive player who is effective at deterring drives in the paint. And he has been all over the offensive boards the past couple of games: he had 9 tonight, and 16 total rebounds for the game. I think we all knew that Tyson Chandler was good - I don't we all knew that he was this good.

4) These games have all felt oddly similar. Miami dominates the game physically for long stretches of time, and pushes out to leads over and over. Tonight they led by 9 a couple of minutes into the fourth quarter. Then the game slows down, and the Mavs start getting to the free throw line to fight their way back into the game. It feels like they've been on an endless parade to the line in the second half of fourth quarters in this series; tonight Dallas shot 30 free throws total to Miami's 24, overall. Especially hurtful are the late loose ball fouls that allow Dallas to score points without Miami getting a chance to get a stop - there was another huge one tonight with two minutes to go - a foul called on Wade 85 feet from the basket that gave Nowitzki two points. I'm not complaining - this is what often happens on the road in the NBA. It's why home court means something - refs give you more calls. But, it doesn't happen every night. It just seems like one of the these nights, even in Dallas, Miami is going to get the 50-50 calls, including extra possessions down the stretch, and blow the Mavericks off the court. Annnnnnd, let's hope it's Thursday, 'cause that's the last game in Dallas!

5) Back to LeBron. He's been passive all series. How passive? Dallas got so tired of Dwyane Wade murdering Jason Kidd that they switched defenders - placed Shawn Marion on Wade, and put Kidd on LeBron. Marion was no better on Wade than Kidd - Dwyane still had his way - but LeBron was matched up against a 38 year old five inches shorter than him, and never seemed to notice, or care, or figure out he could get a quality shot whenever he wanted. It wasn't like Kidd got physical with him, or out-thought him, or anything. He just stood roughly near LeBron wherever LeBron happened to set up shop, and...nothing. He did nothing, because LeBron never did anything. I spent much of the day explaining to people that Dwyane Wade is the most aggressive player in the league. He's high risk, high reward. But he's so good, that the reward, over a large enough sample size, always outweighs the negative plays. LeBron has a totally different style.   He is conservative by nature - maybe because he is from Ohio! Tonight, though, he took that to absurd levels. He took it to a place where he hurt the team. With the game slipping away down the stretch, he just kind of "let go of the rope," to use a classic Spo-ism. He never, really, at any point, "got into the fight," to use another! I suppose it's possible he's just exhausted from the sheer number of minutes he's played in the playoffs. But that would missed explain "missed shots," more than "no shots." There's two or three games left in this series - Pat Riley would tell him to "be an active participant in your own rescue!" Love those Heat cliches - they come in handy when you are trying to rush through a dumb blog post! I've mostly been on a national media blackout for the past month or so, so I'm not positive what the national LeBron narrative has been, but even locally, LeBron is going to get murdered online and in the press for the next two days.

6) Look, we all know that what Congressman Anthony Weiner did was, perhaps, questionable. But what I hate to see is how he has been given the shaft by his colleagues in the House of Representatives, especially the Speaker of the House, John Boehner. Man, I would have liked to see Boehner grab Weiner and straighten him out - I mean, of all people, Boehner should be sensitive to, and touched by, this orgy of bad decision-making. Sure, I know they are in different parties, and have crossed swords many times over the issues, but Boehner's rigid moral perspective really could help Weiner feel his way through this gaping hole in his judgement. I mean, yes, Boehner should protect himself, as always, but he's been in inflammatory situations before and always remained erect, and often, his drive has helped stimulate others to-...that's all I've got, I'm exhausted...

Game 5 is Thursday night in Dallas.  The series is tied 2-2, so, you know, it is kind of a big game. I don't even have a "until then" joke. I need sleep, and I need LeBron to show up...I gotta believe he can - and just to inspire him: Let's Go!!!

-----

Heat 88 Mavs 86 Heat lead 2-1

2011-06-05T21:39:00.000-07:00

6 Thoughts

1) I spent all weekend feeling like Miami was out of the series after the brutal Game 2 gack-up - I'm not saying that it made any sense; that's how I felt. If I was a player, I would have quit sometime around Saturday afternoon, because I would have assumed we were going to get blown out.  Never forget - I have no heart. Instead, the Heat showed up in Dallas, controlled play most of the night, endured a parade of free throws - even in the last 3 minutes - for Dallas all night long, and survived a last second fallaway jumper try from Dirk Nowitzki. Miami rarely wins games when they get outshot at the line 27-15 - getting to the line is Miami's whole raison d'etre - and they were frustrated at the officiating all night long...Unbelievable gut check win - Miami is back in the fight. Let's Go!

2) Dwyane Wade was just ridiculous from start to finish. His numbers - 29 points and 11 rebounds - were great, but just as good was a defensive play with 30 seconds to go and Miami up a deuce. Nowitzki had the ball around the free throw line and started to spin to shoot his fallaway. Dwyane, anticipating the move, came sprinting off Shawn Marion on the wing, and elevated to block the shot, causing Nowitzki to pull the ball down and try to fling out late to the wing to Marion, who had vacated the spot. Ball out of bounds to Miami. Huge, genius, instinctive defensive play to create a turnover in a one possession game with 30 seconds to go. He seized control of this game early, and was the best player on both ends of the floor again.

3) Chris Bosh was weak again most of the night - only 3 rebounds - but he had two huge buckets down the stretch, including a 20 foot baseline jumper with under a minute to go (off a ridiculously sharp pass by LeBron) to give Miami its last lead. In fairness to Chris, a first quarter eye gouge by Jason Kidd left him laying on the floor for a good two minutes (with somehow - incredibly - unbelievably - no foul called), and he returned with his eye swollen half-shut all night. Half an hour after the game, after a shower, and dressing, his eye was still looking bad, and tearing up. "You're still having a big problem with that eye - it still hurts, doesn't it?" sympathized interviewer Hannah Storm. "Yes," said Chris. Okay, good interview! Again - there was no foul called! On the other hand, somehow, you have to believe that almost anyone else wouldn't have swelled up as badly...

4) Point guards! First, from the "I thought I told you that we won't stop" category: Emcee Chalmers! For the second game in a row, he was huge, making 4-6 triples, including a running 40 footer at the first quarter buzzer to put Miami up 7. Miami had the ball side out of bounds, deep in its own corner, with about 4 seconds to go, up 4. Dallas came up to press, and I told M.Minutos: "We should just eat it - LeBron is terrible at these halfcourt shots anyways. Just catch it and don't turn it over in our own end." "No, no," protested M.Minutos, "Chalmers is in - he's a good trick shot guy." Miami inbounded the ball to Udonis Haslem, who took two tentative dribbles over halfcourt, flipped an awkward looking pass back to a flying Chalmers, who caught it, maybe in the backcourt, maybe travelled, then drilled a running one hander. "I told you!' thundered M.Minutos, "You know he spends all his time practicing things like that!" Second, from the "Play of the Game" category: Mike Bibby. On the very first possession of the game, wily and physical Dallas point guard Jason Kidd, who is two inches taller and 30 pounds heavier than Bibbs, tried to post up hard on the left block. Kidd elevated for a little leaner, and Bibbs went up and politely, but sternly, slapped the ball out of the air for (another) blocked shot. Lesson?  HOW DARE YOU TRY TO POST UP MIKE BIBBY ON THE GAME'S FIRST PLAY! I LOVE AND RESPECT YOU, JASON KIDD, BUT YOU GOT WHAT YOU DESERVED!

5) Why I Hate Replay, example # 655: Late in the second quarter, Jason Kidd, who had apparently learned his lesson about trying to post up Mike Bibby, went out to the perimeter to try his luck. As he caught the ball wide open in space behind the three point line, he saw Dwyane Wade closing on him hard. Kidd stepped in to the shot with a little bunny hop, upfaked Wade into the air, then took about three more steps to make sure Wade would crash into him as he jumped to shoot. It was a blatant travel - on the other hand, about 70 percent of three pointers follow some kind of travel, and it's a tough play to call full speed, so I'm fine with giving him a couple of free throws (he had stepped on the line during the travel). Except, the referees decided to go look at the replay to see whether Kidd had stepped on the line or not, to see whether he should receive two or three free throws. First problem: back in the day, a referee might just watch the guy's feet to see where they were, and then make the correct call. It couldn't have been any more clear that Kidd had stepped on the line, even live-speed.  Second problem: now the referees are going to huddle around the replay monitor, watch Jason Kidd take four steps before shooting the ball, and then pretend that it didn't happen! I mean, the purpose of replay, I think, is to "get the call right." But on this play, and on many plays, we still don't end up with the correct call! So what is the point of stopping the game for 6 minutes - Finals games are already four and a half hours long with the extended timeouts and halftime. Jeff Van Gundy, on ABC's broadcast, made the exact same point as I made it to M.Minutos. Either let the referees make the actual correct call after watching the replay, or just don't have it.  Humans lived on earth for, at least, dozens of years before replay was invented... I don't understand how a replay system this badly flawed is even defensible.

6) TV Review: "River Monsters." Great, great show! Rahm Emmanuel, feigning some kind of Irish or English or Australian accent (if they are, indeed, different, as Thor claims), travels around the world fishing in remote rivers to try to catch giant, killer fishes. Beautiful cinematography, awesome native dugout canoes, and bizarre cheesy re-creations of killer fishes attacking the indigenous people. Tonight, in Papua New Guinea, he was chasing a cousin of the piranha, named the pacu, WHO HAD BIT THE GENATALIA OFF OF A NATIVE GUY WHO LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE LEBRON JAMES' PAPUA NEW GUNINNEISH UNCLE! HOLY MOLY! Emmanuel claimed that he was in a remote, mostly untouched part of Papua New Guinea, but one of the first old dudes in the village they talked to spoke good English and was wearing an Imax ballcap. Probably not a lot of eyeglasses out there, so they need those big screens to be able to see what the hell the movie is about. Best of all, in every episode, including tonight, Emmanuel finally catches the big, killer fish - and then releases it back into the river so that it can continue to terrorize the native people! LOOK OUT LEBRON'S UNCLE! Anyways, obviously this is a show that is great for the whole family, although P.Minutos is certainly going to have nightmares about killer fish now. Still, it's a clear 9.5 out of 10, only because it isn't quite as good as "Deadliest Catch."

We're back Tuesday night for the second of three from Dallas. If you need me before then, I'll be out fishing in the canal behind our street, but wearing goggles to protect the detached retina Jason Kidd gave me. See you Tuesday!

-----

Mavs 95 Heat 93 Series tied 1-1

2011-06-02T21:37:00.000-07:00

6 Thoughts

1) Miami semi-pummeled Dallas all night, had them on the verge of blowouts two different times, and generally controlled the game from start to finish. And yet, somehow, incredibly, improbably, gakked up a 15 point lead with 6 minutes to go and lost this game. Had Miami won, I think we all agreed that the series was probably pretty much over. Instead, it looks like a long, hard fight. If Miami doesn't win this title, we'll look back on this six minute stretch in agony. We don't want to go, but I guess we have to!

2) Down the stretch, Miami resorted to the late game offense they used for the first four months of the season: LeBron stands 30 feet from the basket, dribbles the ball down to about 8 seconds on the shot clock, tentatively advances to the three point line, then either jams it late to someone in a bad spot, or retreats two dribbles, then gathers himself for a contested, twisting fallaway jumper. Guess what? They didn't go in. Dwyane Wade rarely touched the ball down the stretch even though he scored 36 on only 20 shots - his one shot late was a contested three after a LeBron dribble-fest. Honestly, I don't even mind the threes from LeBron - but you're bigger and more athletic than anyone guarding you. Step up, give one move, and rise and shoot. The diddling around to settle for an off-balance fade is a killer. He's played a ton of good games in a row, and made huge shots. Tonight wasn't great - need a little better decision-making from him.

3) Three huge errors on the last defensive possession when Nowtizki made a driving layup to win the game, two by Coach Spo. One, Udonis Haslem was late coming to help. You have to make sure you get there in time to help the primary defender. That's a Heat strength - UD didn't get there. We praise him enough in this blog - he has to take one criticism. Two, there's no way Chris Bosh can be checking Nowitzki on that last play. Chris had a pitiful night - it was one of his totally ineffectual performances. Even when Miami was killing Dallas, he was horrendous - shot 4-16, and got stripped of the ball maybe 100 times, including one key possession with a minute to go when LeBron put him in a difficult position. You know Nowitzki is going to aggressively hunt a shot in that spot. While Chris is an excellent position defender on pick-and-rolls, he's not a great on the ball guy, it wasn't his night in general, and he got beat pretty bad on the play. Three, Joel Anthony has to be in the game in that spot. You can take either Bosh or UD out, I don't care which, but Joel is the best on the ball defender of Nowitzki, and he's the best help defender at the rim. Neither Bosh nor UD did their jobs in that spot - and Joel is better at both of those jobs. Not sure what we're saving him for - maybe Game 3.

4) I'm not saying I enjoyed the game, or felt good for Dallas, or anything like that - I didn't. All I am saying is, in 2006, they had Miami about as close as you can get to being out of the series, let them slip away, and then Miami came back and won the championship. Tonight, Miami had Dallas very close to being just about out of the series, let them slip away, and...we'll see. Fair play to Dallas tonight. Man, I don't know how players do it - I could never come back and play Sunday night. I'd be devastated. The last time this franchise took a loss like this was Game 7 of the 2005 Eastern Conference Finals against Detroit, the Dwyane Wade-injured ribs game. It took me about eight weeks to bounce back from that disappointment. I have absolutely no heart!

5) We'd be much remiss if we didn't mention that besides Dwyane Wade, Miami's hero of the night, at least for 42 minutes, was Mike Bibby! Not only did he make 4-7 triples and score 14 points, he also had 4 steals - 3 of them right in a row - to key a third quarter run that put Miami up double digits. He was utilizing his patented "I'll stand patiently over here out of harm's way while there is a scrum on the floor for a loose ball, then it will squirt right to me, and I will casually pass it ahead to Dwyane or LeBron for a dunk" defense. Worked like a charm. Like it always does. Maybe Bibbs should have checked Nowitzki on that last possession!

6) Music Review: new Wombats album. It's awesome, just download it. Here's one of the cool songs - I swear I planned to post a song in which the chorus is "Let me be your anti-depressant" before Miami blew this lead!

Game 3 is Sunday night in Dallas. Now Miami has to win one out there to get the series back to South Beach. It can be done, no doubt - just have to get back to the grind. If you need me before Sunday, I'll be sleeping. School is over for the Minutos boys! No more driving them to school! No more hustling to get them to bed early! Let's get some sleep! See you Sunday!

-----

Heat 92 Mavs 84 Heat lead 1-0

2011-05-31T22:26:00.000-07:00

6 Thoughts

1) Listen - I've taken a lot of credit for Miami's playoff run this season, and maybe some of it was unwarranted. So let's give some of the credit for this win where it belongs--to my friend Thor!!! Attending his first basketball game in America, or as he likes to call it, "Enemy Territory!" The Australian Reverse-Jinx is in FULL EFFECT!!! More on this down in #4. As for the game itself, well, it probably wasn't quite as exciting as Thor's reverse-jinx. Both teams got off to a grinding start, LeBron James and Mario Chalmers (!) made just enough jump shots to keep Miami in it for three quarters, and Miami pulled away for a fairly comfortable win down the stretch powered by a still-apparently-slowed Dwyane Wade, who managed to emerge from a seven-straight half slumber to pour in 15 in the second half, make several defensive plays, and grab a bunch of rebounds. Game One had to be got - it got got. Let's Go!!!

2) Sometimes, in the playoffs, when the defense is tough, and easy opportunities are difficult to come by, it just comes down to this: When you really, really need it, can you make enough plays over the top? Just create a little space, jump up, under duress, shot clock down, and drill a jump shot? LeBron and Wade are not the best pure shooters in basketball. But both of them can make plays over the top. LeBron made his first four triples to keep Miami hanging around when the offense was struggling, including a ridiculous, fall away three with a defender all over him at the third quarter buzzer to put Miami up 4. He finished 9-15 for 24 points, many of them jumpers, with 9 rebounds and 5 assists. Wade finished 9-19 for 22, and made the two biggest shots of the game: a pull up jumper over Jason Kidd with 4 minutes to go to put Miami up 7 - their biggest lead to that point - then a block on Shawn Marion and a triple up over the top of Kidd again with 3 minutes to go to push the lead to 9, effectively ending it. Dallas jammed the paint all night, and has big, physical defenders. But to contain LeBron and Wade, eventually a defender has to give ground, and give up jumpers - Miami made enough of those tonight to win.

3) UD: struggled early in the game with his shot - he still has no legs after six months off - but fought back to make two second half jumpers of his own, and a sneaky pretend-I'm-running-a-baseline-cut-then-pop-back-in-front-of-Dirk-Nowitzki-to-receive-a-pass-and-finish-a-layup-and-three-point-play in the fourth quarter. You can't say he "slowed" Dirk - he still finished with 27 points, but UD battled him for 30 minutes, his longest stretch since coming back from injury. Man, I never thought UD was coming back this season - I can't believe we are back in the Finals and UD is playing...nothing warms my heart more! Love that boy!

4) Okay, so Thor called me late in the day to tell me he had been invited to the game. Super-exciting! He wanted tips on how he should behave. The building was loud, so I don't know if he remembered to scream "Yabba-Dabba-Do" on LeBron's late dunk, as I advised him to. With about 20 seconds left in the game, and Dwyane Wade dribbling the clock out, something flew out of the crowd on to the court in celebration of the victory - OH, NO - I FORGOT TO TELL THOR NOT TO THROW SOMETHING ON TO THE COURT IN CELEBRATION OF THE VICTORY WHILE THE GAME IS STILL GOING ON AND DWYANE WADE IS DRIBBLING OUT THE CLOCK!!! I HOPE HE DIDN'T GET ARRESTED - HE DIDN'T KNOW - HE IS NOT FROM HERE!!!!!!

5) Look, it's cool to make special gear for The Finals. But when someone at the NBA store came up with the idea for this t-shirt, I might have given it a little more consideration before I printed it. Holy LeDirk! Goodness gracious, DiBron!

6) TV Review: Campus PD. Stumbled across this program by accident last night while chilling out with M.Minutos. Basically, campus po-licemen drive around hassling poor college kids who are just trying to have a good time. I HATED THIS SHOW! As one 18 year old freshman hosting a busted-up party complains to the police, "What's the big deal - this is college; this is what you are supposed to do." Exactly--I couldn't agree more. And there was absolutely no need for the po-lice to comment, as dude after dude filed out of the party: "What a sausage hang..." I don't know what exactly is funny, or entertaining, about bothering good, fun-loving, young Americans - if I were the FCC, or whoever controls tv, I would ban this show, and file criminal charges against the producers. Also, I didn't appreciate that, when I texted Plumber to alert him of this atrocity, he immediately asked if there were any scenes in which an out-of-control old jalopy thundered across campus (not on the roads - the actual campus, you know, the grass and stuff) late one night during Senior Week with the po-lice in hot pursuit. A couple of things: one, it wasn't just me in the car, it was also our other roommate AJ, and two girls; two, I wasn't driving, AJ was; three, yes, it was bad decision-making, but in our defense, we were super-drunk, so cut us some slack...Kids don't try this at home; also, never watch Campus PD, unless you want to have a serious case of the night terrors.

Game Two will be Thursday night, again in Miami. If you need me before then, I be will out having a car wash, a lemonade stand, and selling candy bars door-to-door, trying to raise money to send Thor to Game Two! By the way, today is M.Minutos' birthday! I love her, and she is still as lovely as a spring flower, although living with me for another year can't have helped...See you Thursday!

-----

Heat 83 Bulls 80 Heat win series 4-1

2011-05-26T22:36:00.000-07:00

Prologue: I don't want to toot my own horn, but I just put the Miami Heat in the Finals with the most ridiculous reverse-jinx of all-time. I'll leave what I wrote below, but so you know, I started writing this post with Miami down double-digits with about 8 minutes to go. With about three minutes left, and Miami dead in the water still down 12, LeBron and Wade went on a ridiculous binge of threes and long jumpers to put Miami over the top, helped along by league MVP Derrick Rose (an insanely bad 9-29 from the floor) absolutely crumbling in the biggest moments of the game - he fouled Wade twice in the waning moments, including on a made triple, had 2 huge turnovers, including one with 40 seconds to go when LeBron stole a pass right out of his hands, missed a free throw with 20 seconds to go, and had his last-gasp jumper blocked by - guess who - LeBron. Meanwhile, LeBron made a step back twenty footer to put Miami up a deuce with 30 seconds to go, and Chris Bosh made two free throws with 15 seconds left to win it. Listen, I don't know what else I can do - no one has ever been more directly responsible for a team winning an elimination game and getting to the championship round than I was tonight. START THE BUS, GAS UP THE PLANE, GET OUT OF TOWN -- WE ARE IN THE MUTHAFUCKIN' FINALS!!! LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Original post below:

6 Thoughts (with post-game epilogues!)

1) I'm not even going to lie - I'm starting this blog halfway through the fourth quarter because Miami is going to lose, and I don't want to be up half the night for the third night in 5 or 6 days. I don't think I've started a post before a game was over since two seasons ago...For a game in which one team could get to the Finals, and one team could be eliminated, these two teams have played an atrocious game. Chicago, with its season on the line, has been fairly terrible; but Miami has been even worse. Don't know what the final score is going to be, but it's teetering on the verge of a blowout right now, as it has been most of the night. Let us go!

Post-comeback epilogue for # 1: This was probably the second most ridiculous comeback in Heat history, after Game 3 of the Finals against Dallas in 2006. LeBron and Wade went ham (one of LeBron's favorite words), and Bosh was terrific all night long with 20 points and 10 boards. Combined, the three of them scored Miami's last 33 points.  Bosh was fantastic in this series, averaged 23 and 8 on 60% shooting (!) against arguably the best defensive frontline in basketball. It says something about how he has played in the playoffs that I had no doubt he would knock down both free throws with 15 seconds left up 1 - in fact, I was actually hoping he would be the one to get fouled, and LeBron felt the same way: made sure to get him the ball, so Chicago would have to foul him...

2) Here's the good news: Miami is coming home for Game 6 on Saturday. Here's the bad news: something is clearly wrong with Dwyane Wade. The Heat and Wade aren't saying anything: they claim he's fine. But he is clearly hurt in some way, or is having the migraine problems again. Tonight, the TNT announcers are claiming they think it is his shoulder, since he keeps having it worked on while sitting on the bench. That may be. But it looks more like his knees to me - he clearly has no elevation, and he is running his cuts very slowly. He's had a little tendinitis before in his knees, and it can last for a week or two. He has murdered Miami tonight - he had 9 turnovers through 3 quarters. It's one of the worst games I can ever remember anyone playing; anyone else playing this bad would be taken out of the game. It is all on the line for Miami on Saturday - one home game with a chance to get to the Finals. The thought of losing and going back to Chicago for a seventh game is daunting. Let's hope Dwyane feels better, because we have 65 points with 3 minutes left in the game tonight - and he's been the main problem...

Epilogue for # 2: After one of the worst games of his career, Wade scored 8 points in the last 3 minutes to finish with 21, including the four point play with two minutes to go to cut the lead to 3. The Finals don't start until Tuesday - let's hope the extra time off helps Dwyane get healthier.

3) By the end of every game, I've forgotten that Mike Bibby is still on our team. And he's a starter!

Epilogue for # 3: With Derrick Rose on the line with 15 seconds to go, down 2, he made the first free throw to cut the lead to 1. After he missed the second free throw, and Miami grabbed the rebound and called timeout, M.Minutos demanded the dvr be rewound: "I'm pretty sure someone on the Heat bench threw a towel while he was releasing the free throw." Not "someone," it turns out - Mike Bibby! He hadn't been in the game for about 90 minutes, again I had forgotten he was on our team, and he took a towel and hurled it diagonally from his spot on the bench across the corner of the court to the baseline as Rose shot the ball in an attempt to distract him. And it worked! Look, when you're 0-4 in 16 minutes, and die hard fans are forgetting you are on the team by the start of the fourth quarter every game, you have to find other ways to contribute!

4) Much of this game has been a complaint-fest between Dwyane Wade and Derrick Rose. Dwyane doesn't get a call and argues. Then Rose doesn't get a call and he argues. Then Wade goes over to the refs during a timeout to have a discussion with them, then Rose goes over and does the same thing. It is kind of weird that, nationally, these two guys are beloved; yet, LeBron, who rarely argues even though he gets fouled more often, and harder, than those two guys put together, is the one who kind of gets the "bad guy" rap. Weird. People would have a better idea of what goes on if they watched the games...

Epilogue for # 4: Only one guy had a reason to be complaining after the game, since the other guy was busy celebrating in the locker room. And complain he did! Rose: "It was my fault. Turnovers down the stretch; fouls - if you want to call them that..." He's a great player, he'll be back - I expect him to be right back in the conference finals next year, going disbelieving look at the ref for disbelieving look at the ref with Dwyane Wade.

5) When you are on the road, in a elimination game for the home team, you probably aren't going to get many calls. Tonight was fine - Miami lost on their own. In fact, one of the highlights for the Heat, in an otherwise dismal night, was a flurry of late third quarter fouls against Chicago that enraged the Bulls, and put off the blowout for a while.  The best foul in the flurry was probably a Carlos Boozer karate chop to the face of LeBron James on a drive, which put LeBron on the floor, and resulted in a flagrant foul for Boozer. "Sometimes the calls just don't go your way," lamented Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau during his between-quarter interview a couple of minutes after the play. True. And you know when they almost never go your way? When you karate chop a guy in the face!

Epilogue for # 5: For the past 7 years, I was conditioned to root against LeBron James. Dude, if Dwyane Wade is your guy, you had to root against LeBron. And I might not see LeBron play for a week, or a month, or six weeks. And, inevitably, during that time, I would be watching Dwyane play every night, and I would start to think, "There is no way LeBron is better than this - no way. Dwyane is the best player in the league." Then Miami would play Cleveland, Dwyane would play great, but LeBron would play just a little bit better, and Cleveland would win. And I'd hate it, I'd hate those moments, because I would be forced to look at M.Minutos and concede: "You know what? LeBron is just a little bit better."  This season, watching LeBron game in and game out, at times it would be frustrating because it felt like he only asserted himself in spurts. But, always, he maintained that he knew what he was doing. And you know what? He kind of knew what he was doing. The way he played on both ends of the court in the eastern playoffs was ridiculous. Some nights Dwyane was better; a couple of night Chris Bosh was even better. But almost every single quarter of every single game, LeBron was great. He just took this season's MVP and annihilated him. Shut him down in the fourth quarter of four straight games, scored huge baskets himself, and won four straight games, including two on the road, against the best team in basetball this season. He had 28, 11, and 6 tonight, with 3 steals, and 2 blocks, and won an absolutely unwinnable game down the stretch. Most guys play a little worse in the playoffs due to the increased intensity across the board - Derrick Rose is a prime example. He struggled for three straight rounds when teams game-planned for him. But not LeBron - he's been better in the playoffs, if only because he plays every defensive possession with attention to detail. I remembering telling people before the season that everyone wondering how Dwyane and LeBron would co-exist offensively were forgetting how tough they would be as a group defensively - I know I made the point that, when it matters, LeBron is the best shut-down defender in the league, and he ended this series by blocking the MVP's last-ditch attempt to tie the game...He is the best player in the league - why do I always end up convincing myself otherwise? And you know what? I don't know if we are going to win the title or not, but I am finally starting to kind of feel like he is one of us...One more time, as a tribute to LeBron, but quiet and matter-of-fact this time, as he often comports himself: Let's go.

6) So, today I was explaining one of my rules to someone: You must have a definitive opinion on music, or you are probably too boring to hang out with. You can't be like, "Oh, I like all kinds of music." Lame. And, worse, boring. It doesn't have to be a specific opinion - it just has to be a strong opinion. For instance, The Captain loves jazz. I don't like it, obviously, since it's atrocious. However, The Captain does, and he will defend it vigorously, and I can respect that. Then the person to whom I was explaining that rule then pointed out that it seems like I really have a lot of rules, and that it must be difficult to keep them all straight, but really it's not. There are a lot of rules, true, but they can basically be distilled down into three distinct edicts by which I live:
1) Open air food is terrible. Once food has left the preparation area, it has a very short shelf life amongst the general population before it quickly become inedible. Once someone who is not a member of my immediate family has breathed on it - or even been close enough to it to breathe on it - it's over. I don't eat that.
2) I am never, ever going to tell you my real feelings about anything. I've learned in therapy that it turns out that I do have some vague-ish actual feelings, but I am never going to tell anyone what they are. If I do tell you my feelings about something, you can rest assured that that isn't really how I feel. It isn't so much that I don't want to tell you my real feelings; it's more that, in response, I don't want you to tell me your real feelings. About anything! Goodness gracious, let's just everybody keep their feelings to themselves! It will be a much happier world.
3) If you are not from Connecticut, and most probably from the central to northern portions of Connecticut, no matter who you are, no matter what you say, no matter what you accomplish in life, I am always going to feel like you are a little bit below me, and everyone else who is from where I'm from. That doesn't mean I won't like you, or be friends with you, and I'm not saying it is accurate or fair. I'm just saying that it's always going to be somewhere in the back of my mind.

Finals don't start until Tuesday against Dallas. Enjoy the long weekend everybody. If you need me, I'll be going to some local youth games to argue with refs, to get ready for the Finals! See you then!

-----

Heat 101 Bulls 93 ot Heat lead series 3-1

2011-05-24T22:46:00.000-07:00

6 Thoughts

1) It's way, wayyy too late to be writing a blog tonight, so we are trying to go fast. I have a dentist's appointment early tomorrow morning, so I need to get up. By the way, I have geographic tongue, a very rare condition (although less so if you are Middle Eastern, which I am not) - so my dentist is always thrilled to see me. This game was a grind: Wade was terrible, Rose was terrible, and Mike Miller and Ronnie Brewer, of all people, made big shots. It's the playoffs, though, so there's only winning and misery - there's no style points, and tonight there was winning, thankfully. Let's Go!

2) Bulls point guard Derrick Rose is a physical marvel, and he is basically unguardable in transition, and I absolutely agreed with him winning the MVP this year. He was the best player on the best team in basketball all year long - that's how "we" "do" the MVP. But to suggest that he is a better player than LeBron James is kind of dopey. LeBron finishes plays more efficiently. He is a better rebounder. He is a better passer. Most glaringly, LeBron can guard Derrick Rose; but Derrick Rose can't guard LeBron. At the end of each game Miami has played against Chicago this year, in the last 5 minutes of the game, LeBron checks Derrick Rose defensively, with as much effectiveness as anyone can hope to have against such a great athlete. Tonight, Rose had two chances to win the game in regulation, and both times tried to go one-on-one with LeBron. The first shot, a step-back 18 footer with a strong LeBron contest was close, but bounced out. The second one, trying to pull up going right off the dribble with LeBron all over him, was a two-and-a-half-feet-short airball, which sent the game to overtime. Meanwhile, on the other end, the Bulls find the weakest Heat offensive player on the floor, and try putting Rose on him so that he doesn't have to guard LeBron or Wade. Tonight Rose guarded Mike Miller much of the fourth quarter - in a related story, the thumbless Miller somehow willed in three jump shots and a runner in the final period, for 9 huge points. This isn't even a knock on Rose - he's a terrific player - he just can't guard (at least yet) like LeBron, or even Wade. Part of it is because he's smaller than those guys. But guess what? That's part of basketball...

3) Miami got down 11 in the first quarter, and the only player who seemed to show up at all was LeBron - his 12 first quarter points were the only things that kept the game from getting completely out of hand early. He finished with 35. In that first quarter, and all night long, balls seemed to bounce poorly for the Heat. Loose balls on the Bulls offensive end caromed directly to open shooters; loose balls on Miami's offensive end caromed into the backcourt, where the Bulls ran it down and dunked. Every time Miami got the game back close to even, a bounce, a squirt, or a trickle seemed to go the Bulls way, and keep them in the lead. Until finally- finally - with a minute to go in overtime, and Miami up four on a couple of ridiculously tough LeBron James baskets, Derrick Rose drove middle, lost control of the ball on his own, and watched it squirt directly to Dwyane Wade, who scooped it up without hesitation and beat Rose and the virulently homophobic Joakim Noah down the court for a layup to ice the game. Dwyane was terrible all four quarters of regulation, shooting only 5-16 with 4 free throws, and was, against all odds, outplayed by Mike Miller! He did look glassy-eyed after the game, causing some to speculate if he was having his periodic migraine troubles. Still, besides the steal and hoop, he also blocked 3 shots in overtime, and had one huge rebound in traffic. He has not been great in this series, so Miami has been lucky to survive - they'll need a better effort from him to try to close this gritty Bulls team out.

4) Look, everyone has heard that Joakim Noah leaned into the crowd and called someone a "f-ing f--got" during Game 3. I mean, we didn't just hear it - we saw it on the tv! Especially in Casa Minutos, where the tape got rewound several dozen times: "He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?" That cost him $50,000. I don't condone the fine, really - if Joakim Noah wants to say that word, that's okay, I could care less. Not sure how much his homophobia is going to hamper the gay rights movement in America. But when LeBron drove left with just over a minute to go in overtime, absorbed a bodycheck from Noah which didn't get called a foul in a play reminiscent of a game ending play during the regular season when LeBron missed, but this time LeBron powered the ball up and in for an absolutely huge basket and a four point lead, and then strutted down the court shaking his head and saying over and over "I don't want the foul" - just know that entire play was for gay people everywhere. Everybody can hate LeBron all they want - but you gay people better love him now. And lesbians, too - I didn't just mean gay males, by the way...Man, am I ever tired. What did I just write?

5) Play of the game: probably after the aforementioned Wade steal and layup to seal the victory, when the Bulls called timeout. Wade ran to the bench and was met by a leaping side-hip bump from Chris Bosh; then got one from Mike Miller; then got one from a laughing Mario Chalmers! Then, whoops - here came Eddie House hurtling for his own flying bump, only Dwyane wasn't ready for it, and Eddie House careened into him like a free safety hitting a tight end on a crossing pattern. Wham! Dwyane was already having a bad night!

6) Everyone knows I love the city of Miami. And, speaking of gay issues, everyone knows I love Paul Walker, from the Fast and Furious movies. So imagine my utter shock and, more importantly, delight, when I was in downtown Miami this morning, at a museum on NW 2nd Ave, took a short walk with M.Minutos down the street to scope out a cool place to get empanadas, and saw a little urban-landscaped park named PAUL WALKER PARK!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THIS IS LIKE WHEN REESE'S DISCOVERED THAT PEANUT BUTTER AND CHOCOLATE ARE FUCKING DELICIOUS TOGETHER!!! PAUL WALKER PARK - IN MY FAVORITE CITY!!! JESUS MOTHER OF CHRIST!!! GOODNIGHT!!!

Back Thursday night for Game 5 in Chicago. That will be a tough one, trying to close out the best team in the league on the road. Some people are always, like, "Oh, I'm looking forward to the challenge." Not me, I never look forward to any challenge, I like things to be easy; if I had my way, the Bulls would just quit, not present a challenge. So I don't expect to enjoy that game at all, because the Bulls will claw tooth and nail...Until then, I'll be- seriously, do I have to tell you where I will be? PAUL WALKER PARK!!!

-----

Heat 96 Bulls 85 Heat lead series 2-1

2011-05-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

6 Thoughts

1) Welcome to late Sunday night, aka, "The End of the Best Weekend in the Minutos Household in the Last Half Dozen Years." On Saturday morning, our Under 10 soccer team scored our first goal seemingly since the Bush administration - O.Minutos scored it to tie the game at 1 midway through the second half. Yes, we lost on a disputed PK in the waning moments, but for a team that scores as easily as Joel Anthony, the goal itself was reward enough. The Minutos men spent Saturday evening at the beach having a picnic and swimming in the ocean as the sun set - nothing like that to make you feel good. Late Saturday night, I saw, easily, the greatest movie of all-time. More on that down in #6. Sunday morning brought the annual O. and P. Minutos birthday gala at Big Park. Then Sunday afternoon saw O.Minutos make two free throws with five seconds to go to clinch a championship for his basketball team. He was the best player on the best team this year - a dad told me after the game that O.Minutos is his favorite basketball player. Not in this league. Ever! Okay - there's one dad who is taking it a little too seriously! Finally, the Heat capped the weekend with a wire-to-wire solid performance to beat Chicago for the second straight game and edge ahead in the series. Unlikely heroes in this one for both teams. Let Us Go!

2) You could make the case that the three best perimeter players in the league are in this series in Wade, LeBron, and Derrick Rose. So who were the dominant players in Game 3? Of course: Chris Bosh and Carlos Boozer! Chris Bosh - it was just one of those nights. After fumbling the ball and missing a couple of shots early, he got it going. All of it. Jumper from the elbow. Okey dokes for free throws. Drives and finishes. Drives, spin moves, and slam dunk finishes. Drive, look away to the wing to pass, get caught up in the air, and throw in a 9 foot running scoop shot! 34 for Chris on 13-18. Don't look now, but he's got 74 points in three games in this series. Also, blocked a shot, had two to four girlish roars to the crowd, and for good measure defensively okey doked Joakim Noah into shooting the ball clear over the backboard from 3 feet away when Noah drove, and turned his body to the rim, expecting Bosh to come contest the play and foul him - because, you know, that's often what big guys do! Unfortunately for Noah, Chris was utilizing his "Statue Defense," where he contests plays around the rim by raising both arms straight into the air, closing his eyes, and not breathing until he hears a whistle. Noah got hung in the air, backwards, and just hurled the ball into the crowd...For his part, Carlos Boozer matched Bosh basket-for-basket for three and a half quarters, making midrange jumpers, and bludgeoning his way to the rim. 26 points and 17 rebounds for Booze! I recommend that both the Bosh and the Boozer families mark this game "Save Until I Delete" on their dvrs - I wouldn't expect this to happen too often.

3) LeBron was great. He was aggressive offensively, but in a way that created shots for others. He found gaps in the defense, drove authoritatively, drew defenders, and found the open shooters. By any measure, Chicago is the best defense in the NBA right now: tonight Miami shot 34-67, 50.7% from the floor, largely because LeBron made plays all night. Sometimes LeBron can be passive and still score a quiet 28. But tonight scored a loud 22 points, and added 10 impactful assists. His steal-and-runout, bulldozing-layup over Kyle Korver, and the foul, with five minutes to go, pretty much ended the game. LeBron has had flashier nights in a Heat uniform; but tonight he was deep.

4) How hard did Miami play? Midway through the fourth quarter, Dwyane Wade slid over in front of a Derrick Rose drive and, intentionally, drew an offensive foul. That's about three charges drawn in eight years for Dwyane. When Dwyane tries to draw charges, you know shit is getting serious...

5) Lot of guys in this series who are master arguers. Dwyane Wade, of course, argues that he got fouled every single time he goes to the basket whether he scores or not, as well as on thirty percent of the possessions when he never goes the basket at all. Also, ten percent of possessions when he isn't even in the game. He's probably arguing about a call he feels he didn't get right now, and the game's been over for an hour and a half, and the Heat won! Bulls star Derrick Rose, similarly, contests every single call that does not go his way all night long. He is less verbal than Dwyane when he thinks he got fouled on a drive - Dwyane loves to talk to the refs about it - Rose just stares the ref down, waits till he makes eye contact, then shakes his head disgustedly. Carlos Boozer loves to argue. Mario Chalmers' arguing is so bizarre that it isn't really offensive - he'll gyroscope around the court on a defensive possession, and end it by slamming into a guy releasing a 22 foot jumper, sending them both sprawling into the crowd, then get up and plead with the ref. But the king of the bizarre argument, at least in this series, is Bulls guard Kyle Korver. First of all, okay, he's at a defensive disadvantage athletically. He does not have quick feet, and has trouble staying in front of people off the dribble. Thus, generally, when someone starts to drive on him - and guys look to drive on him - he reacts by placing a forearm on the guy's hip, and shoving him. This gets called a foul approximately every time he does it, from what I can tell. Yet, somehow, in the face of an overwhelming sample size of data showing that every time he does that, the whistle blows and the ref calls a foul on him - he never, ever, thinks it is a foul. To be fair, he's not overly aggressive about the arguing, it's generally a mild protest in which he demonstrates sliding his feet with his hands in the air in a pantomime of what he should have done, but the consistency of his inability to recognize when he has fouled is impressive. It isn't annoying, I don't mind him doing it - I'm pro-Kyle Korver, in general. Actually, I enjoy when he does it! Gives me something to look forward to...

6) Okay, Saturday night, late (for me - 11pm!), went out to see Fast and Furious Five. Obviously, it's the best movie I've seen this year, or any year. Why? Because Vin Diesel is funnier than ever; The Rock is so jacked up, he looks like the one guy who maybe even has a slight chance to bring Vin Diesel to justice; and Paul Walker and, I suppose, Jordana Brewster, have never been sexier. There's not too much about this movie I can say that hasn't already been said - if you haven't seen it, you're a 'tard, because it is the best movie of all-time. But you know what isn't the best movie of all-time? Thor. I have a friend whose actual name is Thor. He is supercool; he is a genuinely decent person; he's from a foreign land; he loves good music and is one half of the "Old Guys at the Cool Concert" clique; he is spontaneous; and he loves Thai stick, and long walks on the beach. This Thor character in the movie seems like an overconfident putz, frankly. Hey, dude with the flowing blond locks: nobody knows who you are! What are you? You're not like Superman, or Aquaman - guys with definitive identities. Nobody cares, dude. You think you are cool because you have flowing blond locks? Really? You don't think Paul Walker could grow flowing blond locks if he wanted to? Believe me, he could. He just doesn't need to, because he's way sexier than you will ever be. Step off, dude. I'm sticking with the original Thor, who, by the way, could also grow flowing blond locks if he needed to (aside to Thor - I probably wouldn't try that, though)...

After a month between Game 2 and Game 3, we are switching to an every other day schedule starting Tuesday until this series is decided one way or another. Until then, if you need me, I'll be out running quarter miles in my Prius. I usually like to run out on 441, between Lantana and 10th Avenue, so if you're looking for a race, meet me there. You have to agree not to exceed the speed limit, though - I can't afford any more points my license...See you Tuesday!

-----

Heat 85 Bulls 75 Series tied 1-1

2011-05-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

6 Thoughts

1) I'm not gonna lie: when the Boston Celtics died in round two, a little part of me died with them. That series had nothing to do with basketball - it was personal. Boston spent all season dismissing Miami's chances against them in a series, which served to drive both teams - and me - into an emotional frenzy for the five short games it lasted. When the Heat played the Bulls in game one on Sunday, I definitely had a feeling of, "Why are we still playing? This isn't over yet?" It seemed totally unimportant to me if Miami won or lost the series. Yes, I'd prefer to win the championship, but I was also relishing the end of the season. The NBA season is looooong - at a certain point, enough is enough. I've spent the last week on a total media blackout - I didn't want to read or hear people prattling on about basketball anymore this year. We get it - Miami smoked Boston - it's just a basketball series, really, it isn't the end of civilization, People-From-Boston. Heading into tonight's game, I was ready for it to end, in a way, ready to let the Bulls run roughshod over Miami, take a sweep, end this stupid blog, and get on with the summer. It's probably the Jewish side of my heritage - people been trying to run roughshod over us for thousands of years, with a good amount of success, frankly. Really, there was one, and only one, scenario that could have drawn me back in to this series. We need to get to that immediately, like in # 2...Lomir Geyn!!!

2) UDONIS HASLEM. UDONISHASLEM. U-DONIS HAS-LEM!!! Are you freakin' kidding me? After six months on the shelf, with only 7 rusty minutes of playoff action so far under his belt, Udonis Haslem got thrown into this game out of necessity - foul trouble, rebounding trouble, acquiring loose ball trouble, toughness trouble - late in the third quarter, and single-handedly triggered a 10-0 Heat run that gave them a 6 point lead after three quarters, and allowed them to hang around and pull the game out at the end. UD started the run with a run-out, posterization, one-handed flush over Keith Bogans for a three point play; followed by a LeBron run-out finish on Derrick Rose's head for a 3 point play; followed by a Wade run-out, Euro-step hoop on Rose; followed by a Haslem run-out dunk on Rose. In the final four minutes of the quarter, UD was 4-4 from the floor, and finished with 13 points and 5 boards in 23 totally unexpected minutes. With Wade and LeBron having to do virtually everything, with occasional casual-ish assistance from Bosh, adding a reasonably healthy UD just gives Miami one more guy in the fight. It's why it is so frustrating when people - like TNT announcer Steve Kerr tonight - claim that Miami spent so much on Wade, LeBron, and Bosh that they have no depth. That's wrong - they have no depth because UD and Mike Miller (who gutted out 7 rebounds in 18 thumbless minutes of his own tonight) haven't played all season. Before tonight, UD and Miller had never played together in a game. Most importantly, UD is my favorite basketball player of all-time. And he pulled me back in the fight. If we have to go down, at least we're going down with UD. I'm still maintaining my media blackout, but I'm ready to go. And that's super-important since, obviously, the whole team gets their emotional cues from me. Love you, UD!!!

3) UD kept Miami in the game. But down the stretch, again, LeBron won the game. Tied at 73 with four minutes to go, LeBron went: triple off a Bibby screen; short post-up jumper; putback of his own driving layup, the kind where everyone bounces off him, and he is alone at the rim to gather his own rebound and lay it back in politely; step back jumper, and guarded Derrick Rose on the defensive end, as Miami closed on a 12-2 run to end it. LeBron (29 points on 21 shots) and Wade (24 on 16) were more aggressive and efficient offensively than they were in game one. But they also did more. One game after getting absolutely annihilated on the glass, LeBron grabbed 10 boards, Dwyane had 9, and Miami won the rebounding battle by 4. LeBron also had 3 steals, including a key rip of Deng in the closing run, and Wade had 2 rejections, including a key block of a Rose triple in the same run. Every time Miami has struggled this season, the response has been to ask Dwyane and LeBron for more. Tonight, at least for one more game, they had it...

4) Listen, any game in which you are playing the best team in the league, on the road, in a playoff game, against the reigning MVP, after getting blown out in game one, and you're clinging to a 3 point lead with three minutes to go, and the fans are at a fever pitch, and you miss a shot, and Chicago gets a run-out with the 6'8" Luol Deng, who is an excellent finisher, bearing down in a one-on-one situation with the 6'2" Mike Bibby, who may be the least athletic person -including front office employees and announcers - in professional sports, and who has spent his entire 35 minutes on the court, which he had to play because Mario Chalmers performed tonight like a methadone patient, getting run into screens and getting knocked down, and setting screens and getting knocked down, causing his headband to be dislodged from his person several times, and is basically a punch-drunk aging fighter just trying to stay on his feet to the bell by this juncture of the game, and then Deng elevates, and Bibby - sort of - elevates, and blocks Deng's shot, and then LeBron instantly scores on the other end to give Miami a five point lead and put them in firm control of the game, I think to myself: "Mike Bibby - I am the only one who truly believed in you. Not only that - I believed in you more than any human being has ever believed in any other human being, and I now dub thee 'The Modern Day Shaka Zulu...'"

5) Listen: I see you over there on the bench, Kurt Thomas, telling Joakim Noah, and Carlos Boozer, and Derrick Rose, and Taj Gibson, and the like, about "I hate what they did to me." All we did was trade you, to try to make our team better - A DECADE AND A HALF AGO! Dudes get traded all the time - why did you have to be the one guy who, years later, before a Heat-Knick playoff series when you were on the Knicks, claim, "I want to beat them because I hate what they did to me." You started a whole phenomenon: The "I Hate What They Did To Me" Game, where a player comes back with an irrational hatred to try to bury his old team. Just because you aren't playing in these games, Kurt Thomas, don't think I don't see the smirk on your face every time we miss a shot, or turn the ball over, or commit a foul. I see it. And, by the way - you're not in my head at all. Do you hear me? NOT AT ALL!

6) Movie pitch: Contact II. As you know Contact I, or as it is more commonly referred to as, Contact, ended with Jodie Foster sort of going into an alternate space and time in her mind, through a wrinkle in our continuum reality called a black hole, to meet her dad, who is that tall, creepy guy David Morse. In Contact II, Morse comes back through the black hole to snatch Foster back into the alternate reality to hold her captive - it turns out he isn't actually her dad at all, just an alien posing as her dad. Matthew McConaughey isn't in this one, he's replaced by Hugh Jackman, who talks in that weird accent he sometimes has and says things like, "Egad - I fear we've lost her forevah." Anyways, everyone else thinks that Jodie Foster has just moved to, like, the beach in Belize, or Tahoe, or something, but Jackman can sense that she actually got kidnapped by aliens posing as her dad, and he vows to find her. He re-creates that giant space machine, and tries to duplicate her experience, including the "Okay to go" line, which nearly got me arrested in Puerto Rico this winter when I tried to call Thor from the site where they filmed that scene to say the line to him, despite military everywhere and giant signs reading, essentially, "WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T EVEN CONSIDER USING YOUR CELL PHONE." Anyways, Jackman drops in the water, just like Jodie Foster did, and doesn't go anywhere, but then he realizes that time and space is just a construct of the human mind, so he wills himself into the alternate reality where Jodie Foster is being held captive, and fucking saves her after a major battle, mano-a-mano style, with David Morse. The end.

We are off until Sunday, when the series moves back to Miami for game 3. If you need me before then, I'll be working on the Contact II script, and smoking hash. See you on Sunday!

-----

Bulls 103 Heat 82 Bulls lead series 1-0

2011-05-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

6 Thoughts

1) First game in the Eastern Conference Finals, Heat vs. Bulls in Chicago! Annnnnnd, Miami got killed! That did not go well at all! Where is Boston? Wasn't there one more game to play against Boston? Damn...Well, I don't wanna, but I'm going to do it for you - Let's Go!

2) I know we don't always have a choice about these things in life, but me, personally, I liked it better when Chris Bosh was playing terribly, and the team was winning. Tonight, Chris Bosh was great: 30 points and 9 rebounds against the best defensive frontcourt in the league. But he got little help. LeBron had an off night: 15, 6, and 6, on 15 shots, and Dwyane was equally inert: 18, 3, and 3. No one else, literally, did anything. This is a problem against Chicago - there's a reason they were the best team in basketball all season long. They are deep, they are athletic, they play hard, and if LeBron and Dwyane don't play great, Miami isn't going to have a chance. As M.Minutos pointed out after the game, "If Dwyane and LeBron don't play well, and we have to rely on Chris Bosh, then aren't we just the Raptors?" Yes - yes, we are: thanks for making me feel even worse!

3) Okay, so it's one thing to get annihilated in a playoff game - it's just one loss, it counts the same as a losing a game by one on a buzzer-beater. But tonight's game was won by Chicago in an area that Miami can't necessarily fix: rebounding. Against most teams - against Boston in the last round, for example - Miami is bigger, more physical, and more athletic. That's simply not the case against Chicago. Joakim Noah had 8 - eight - offensive rebounds, out of Chicago's total of nineteen. That's wayyy too many. Like, wayyy, wayyy too many - you can't win a basketball game giving up 19 offensive rebounds. Chicago also made 10-21 triples, many of them coming on kickouts after winning 50-50 balls. It's not just Noah, it's also Boozer's strength, Luol Deng's length, and then Taj Gibson off the bench. Miami can't match up with that, especially with Udonis Haslem and Mike Miller not healthy, and only available for spot duty. Dwyane and LeBron are going to have to help more, but as we've pointed out all year long, UD and Miller's injuries have placed such a burden on those two - they not only have to create all the offensive plays, and guard the other team's best scorers, which other superstars are not required to do, but they also have to rebound, defend the rim, and win loose balls. It's a lot - the better the competition gets, the harder it is for those two to do everything.

4) Still, I was feeling relatively loose all night. It's great to be in the final four - you're in position to win the championship. You will either win it, or you won't - but at least you could. And after Connecticut won the college basketball tournament last month - especially defeating Satan en route to the title - I feel like I'm playing with house money. I really, really didn't want to lose to Boston - they're old, they're creaky, and Miami is better than they are - you at least want to get eliminated by someone better than you. Miami really needs to get one of these first two in Chicago to have a great chance to move on - it didn't have to be tonight, and I was feeling relaxed about it. When LeBron James nailed an early jumper, and a Heat fan who had scored front row seats in Chicago leapt to his feet to celebrate, I felt even better: "I think that's former Elizabeth Taylor husband Larry Fortensky," I pointed out to M.Minutos excitedly. "RIP," lamented M.Minutos. "Larry Fortensky died?" "No - Elizabeth Taylor." "Oh, whew - thank God..." We might have gotten hammered tonight, but Larry Fortensky yet lives!!!

5) As we often point out, after you get past the first round of the playoffs, it is absolutely brutal to watch unless you turn the sound off, because you get announcers who have seen your team play much less often than you have, and know far less about them than you do. In the first quarter, after a severely blown defensive assignment by Chicago led to a Mike Bibby layup, the always unconscious Reggie Miller warned the national audience that "Bibby is a dangerous shooter and scorer." Dangerous to who? I mean, dangerous to whom? Apparently, Reggie hasn't seen Bibbs play since Reggie retired in 2005. Actually, not sure 2005 is going to do it, to be honest with you, not sure that's far back enough...Then in the second half, with Miami playing out the blowout, Coach Spo inserted Udonis Haslem just to get him a little run, just to see if he can get his legs under him after six months on the shelf. Steve Kerr inaccurately pointed out that UD has missed six months with a wrist injury - play by play announcer Marv Albert quickly corrected Kerr, and told him that Udonis had undergone knee surgery, all of which would probably be news to Udonis, who missed all the time with a broken foot. Reggie Miller pointed out that, "whatever the injury was, Chicago better watch out, because Haslem is a dangerous shooter and scorer." Or something like that.

6) Movie Review: Blue Valentine. I have been dying to see this movie, and I would have seen it in the theater if I had any motivation to ever leave my house whatsoever. Instead, I watched it late, late Friday night by myself after getting it on Netflix. Spoiler alert: It stars Ryan Gosling, who, of course, is freaking awesome in The Notebook, and every other project he has ever been involved in. Oddly, in this film, he plays the role as if he is channeling Giovanni Ribisi, to the point that at some juncture, I forgot it was Ryan Gosling, and just assumed it was Giovanni Ribisi. He's great, but he's no Ryan Gosling, for sure...The positives: the soundtrack, by Grizzly Bear, is unbelievably good, all atmospheric and perfect; the movie is shot perfectly, it's about a crumbling relationship, and there all almost no wide shots, you are always right on top of the actors - so just as they feel suffocated, you feel suffocated; the colors are awesome - it looks depressing; in the flashback scenes, Ryan Gosling at least looks like Ryan Gosling, even if he sounds like Giovanni Ribisi; Michelle Williams is awesome, reprising her role from Brokeback Mountain - wait, what? It's a different character? Oh, well, she's still good at it; Rawls from "The Wire" is in it. Negatives: needed more Gosling, less Ribisi - dude, you're Ryan fucking Gosling!; the pacing is fine - nothing happens, which is perfect for me, since it's about all that I can follow - but something is wrong with the plot - we get it, they aren't feeling each other, but we don't really get why they aren't feeling each other; when the Michelle Williams character points out that Ryan Gosling starts drinking each morning before going to his job as a housepainter, it's almost as if the filmmaker is portraying this type of devil-may-care attitude as a negative! - that's crazy!...In any case, it wasn't quite as good as I thought it was going to be, but it was pretty well done, and I enjoyed it. Definitely worth seeing. Coming up soon, my boy Terrence Malick with a film called Tree of Life, starring Brad Pitt, currently # 1 on my must-see list, although I am somewhat hampered by the fact that I don't know when it's coming out....

Game Two is Wednesday, again in Chicago. Miami needs to win, or it could be a short, short trip to the conference finals. If you need me before then, I'll be on the back porch, having a beer before work. Cheers!!!

-----

Heat 97 Celtics 87 Heat win series 4-1

2011-05-11T18:48:00.000-07:00

6 Thoughts

1) Goodbye, Paul Pierce. We'll miss your squinty-eyed looks at the scoreboard, referees, and opposing players, and also your okey-dokes. You mocked LeBron after an early season win in Miami with an "I have enjoyed bringing my talents" tweet (props - it was funny), and tonight you got closed out when LeBron hit two triples in your mug in the game's final minute. That has to hurt. Still, I have always enjoyed your work - it gives me no pleasure to see you in pain...Goodbye, Shaq. We really missed you tonight - we needed that four minute stretch where you commit 3 fouls, allow two layups, and turn it over twice. We will not miss having to watch your belly spill over the sides of your shorts, and, to be honest, I don't think your uniform top will ever snap back into shape...Goodbye, Rajon Rondo. I can see Paul Pierce has taught you how to fake an injury well. Your over- and melodramatic holding of your arm at its side as though as you had a broken elbow was the best acting job since Paul Pierce went off the court in a wheelchair in the Finals three years ago, and came back to win the game in the second half. Or maybe your elbow is broken - if that's the case, I apologize in advance...Goodbye, Jermaino. Everyone hates you (including Celtics fans), but I still love you anyways. Good thing your contract is guaranteed for next year!..Goodbye, Baby Davis. All year long I anticipated you ending the Heat's season by ripping an offensive rebound out of Chris Bosh's hands and laying it back in the basket at the most crucial of moments.  I will miss your earnest pie face, and your atrocious play that helped Miami all series long...Goodbye, Kevin Garnett. You are actually the only member of the Celtics that I dislike. You are the progenitor of the Celtics vaunted "Doucheball" style of play. However, you didn't grab anyone's nuts during the series, and while you did throw a couple of elbows at the likes of James Jones and Mario Chalmers - Miami's "toughest" guys - you were fairly benign, and almost played Chris Bosh to a draw over the five games...And goodbye, Ray Allen. You were great tonight, you are my third favorite basketball player of all-time, and it is a shame that you have had your greatest team successes soiled by Garnett's asshole-itude. You are welcome to come down here next season and finish out your career in Miami. I love you, boy...Finally, goodbye, Boston Celtics. Your season started by beating us in Boston, and ended by losing to us in Miami: Have fun rebuilding around Jeff Green! HEAT CLOSEOUT IN FIVE, AND IT WAS LEBRON WHO WON THE GAME! LET'S GO, BOY, LET'S GO!!!

2) Holy Christ, LeBron James. Holy fuckin Christ!  With the game tied and two minutes to go, he went: triple off the dribble to put Miami up 3; triple off the catch-and-hold from the left wing with Pierce draped all over him to put Miami up 6; and then, after a timeout, shoot the passing lane for a steal and dunk on the other end to choke off Boston's last chance. Miami's played 92 games so far this season - every game, at some point, I have either thought, or said, "Hey, you ineffectual weirdo - can you please try to assert yourself?" I guess he was saving it. And, yes, I definitely motivated him.

3) Again, it was really just LeBron and Dwyane. Dwyane kept Miami in it for 3 quarters, and finished with 34 points on 19 shots, although he missed 7 free throws. He also had 10 rebounds, 5 assists, and 4 steals. LeBron had 33, including the last 10, with 7 rebounds and 4 assists. He also made the biggest pass of the game, a cross-court, hit-ahead in transition to James Jones for an open triple with about three minutes to go to cut Boston's lead to 2. Bosh sprinkled in a passive 14 points and 11 rebounds, though, to his credit, he tied the game under three minutes to go with an okey-doke-drive-and-dunk past Garnett, and had several good contests and defensive rebounds in the final moments. For Dwyane and LeBron, who have had to hear all year long that they can't play together, can't play in the clutch, can't figure out who should shoot the ball - that, basically, they aren't the Celtics - it had to be a satisfying series. It doesn't prove they are the best team - Boston was missing a healthy Rondo, which is probably worse than missing UD and Miller - but it proves it works. At least to me. If this team did have a healthy UD and a healthy Mike Miller, they would be a major problem for anyone to play. Pat Riley was right; everyone else was wrong. Next up: probably Chicago. Should be fun.

4) Words I never thought I would say at any point in my life: "Jesus - Joel Anthony getting in foul trouble is going to kill us in this playoff game." And it did. For some reason, Spo decided it would be a good idea to experiment with playing Juwan Howard major minutes in Joel's absence. Annnnnd, he was horrific!!! Get well quick, UD!

5) People are going to ask me when this series turned. Was it when Miami came out and pasted Boston in the first two games? Was it Dwyane Wade's relentless attacking? Was it when LeBron James made the triples tonight? No. It was in the waning moments of regulation in crucial game four in Boston, when an offensive rebound bounced on the ground right next to Chris Bosh...and he watched Kevin Garnett bend over and pick it up without making any effort to get it whatsoever. "You are a fucking asshole," blurted M.Minutos. M.Minutos is a saint - she swears maybe once a year. That's when I knew this series was big.  Probably more importantly, that's when Chris Bosh knew it, and the whole team knew it! And they never looked back! Sometimes you have to get tough with these kids!

6) "Call me when LeBron has six championships." "That's your only argument?" "THAT'S THE ONLY ARGUMENT I NEED, SHAWN!!!"

Conference finals begin Sunday or Wednesday against Chicago, depending on when Chicago closes Atlanta. Probably Sunday, frankly. If you need me before then, I'll be looking for Kevin Garnett, because he totally disappeared in the second half tonight!!! Good night, people!

-----

Heat 98 Celtics 90 ot Heat lead 3-1

2011-05-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

6 Thoughts

1) Chris Boshhhhh!!! I ALWAYS LOVED YOU!!! NO ONE EVER BELIEVED IN ANYONE THE WAY I BELIEVE IN YOU!!! YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER CHOICE FOR OUR FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT THAN OBAMA!!! Miami guts one out in Boston, in overtime, and now leads 3-1! Start the bus, gas up the plane, get out of town - LETTTTSSSS GOOOOOOO!!!

2) One game after the most ineffectual performance of his, or anyone else's, career, Chris Bosh - sort of - bounced back. I wouldn't say he was exactly effectual tonight - let's say he was semi-fectual. In any case, he had 20 points on 8-17, with 12 rebounds, while holding Kevin Garnett to a 1-10. Ouch. Most important of all, with Miami clinging to a 3 point lead and the seconds winding down in overtime, LeBron James missed a clearout jumper from the top of the key, giving Boston one last chance to come down stay in the game...except, out of nowhere, pranced Chris Bosh to reach up and daintily tip the ball back up over the rim! I don't want to point out that a lot of 6'11" guys might have dunked that ball. Whatever - it's still ballgame! Goodness gracious...

3) He was not always efficient. He did not always make good decisions. He lost the ball on a late possession that could have won the game. But with Miami down 3 with two minutes to go, after letting a 3 point lead slip away on back-to-back triples by Boston, Boston crowd going bananas, LeBron James caught the ball deep in the corner, stagnated the offense by holding it for approximately nine seconds, then fell away with a guy hanging all over him and dropped a three to tie the game. He was a man: 35 points and 14 rebounds. He drew an insanely huge charge on Paul Pierce in overtime. He got a great contest causing Pierce into a bad shot with a chance to win it at the regulation buzzer. He tracked down approximately every defensive rebound over the last quarter and overtime. That's how you win a playoff game on the road: you grind, and grind, and grind, and grind - that's not always LeBron's forte. But tonight he ground.

4) Dwyane Wade ground, too, and had 28 points and 9 rebounds. Wade and LeBron won the game. Boston has their Big Four, and Baby Davis, and the irrepressible Jermaino, et al, but for Miami, it was really only Dwyane and LeBron, with a sprinkling of Bosh. The three of them scored 83 of the 98 points, and grabbed 35 of the 45 rebounds. No one else scored more than 4! No one else had more than 4 rebounds! Dwyane and LeBron - truly, as many times as we have said it in this blog, it never applied more than tonight - they were doin' it all! In fact, they were the only ones doing anything!

5) Well, old Shaq was back again tonight. We didn't talk about his mostly disastrous Game 3 performance - he bounced back tonight and was even worse in Game 4. He played four minutes, and didn't have a statistic besides two fouls leading to four Miami points. In fairness, his boxscore would have been even more impressive if they kept a stat of "Number of times you stand there and watch someone drive to the rim and lay the ball in the basket." Most importantly of all, in Game 3, there was a small Asian man assigned to massage Shaq's inner thigh any time Shaq was not in the game, which was most of it, frankly. Great gig! Anyways - surprise! - that guy didn't show for work tonight, and was replaced by a small white man. Again - great gig! "Hi, ladies? What? Oh - I work for a little team called the Celtics!"...Also back: MR UDONIS HASLEM!!! For the first time since November, UD was available to play! He started the second quarter! Annnnnnd, he was atrocious! Immediately caught a ball and launched an 18 foot scud missile off the backboard. Then committed an offensive foul, then a delay of game warning, then another foul on a rebound, and then a technical foul when he told the ref, twice, "The ball was over his head." Seemed like an odd technical. But guess what: we're 1-0 with UD back! Love you, boy!!!

6) Piers Morgan is the bomb. He fucking got it out of Rob Lowe like no one I've ever seen last week. Who is he again?

Chance to closeout on Wednesday night in Miami. We'll see how that goes. Until then, does anyone know how to use Craig's List? I want to post an ad for a dude to massage my inner thigh while I'm watching the game. See you then!

-----

Celtics 97 Heat 81 Heat lead series 2-1

2011-05-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

6 Thoughts

1) Well, at least we know the matchups now: Dwyane Wade and LeBron James against...Erik Spoelstra and Chis Bosh? Ahhhh, that one was a killer loss - the Celtics were ready to go away. Not only that, I'm watching this series live action instead of on dvr - who knew a playoff game takes 4 and a half hours to play? Let's go - but quickly, 'cuz I need to be fresh as a daisy for Mother's Day tomorrow! Come on!

2) Full disclosure: I'm writing this while watching "Mean Girls," which may be gay, but I'm only watching it because the I don't get the station that "Red Dawn" is showing on now...Okay, the Heat have played eight playoff games in this postseason so far. Eight times they have started Zydrunas Ilgauskas at center and Mike Bibby at point guard. Seven times they have been down digits inside of six minutes to start the game. Repeatedly, fans have pointed this out, the media has pointed this out, even the players have pointed this out - but when asked about it, Coach Spo generally says something along the lines of "We need to figure it out." Spo, great news: I figured it out! It doesn't work! It's a bad lineup! CHANGE IT! Again tonight, down 9 points before the first time out. There are a million basketball-y type reasons why it doesn't work, but the essence of it is this: either you play 3 against 5 on offense, or Z and Bibs have to shoot the ball. Tonight they shot the ball, and combined for a 1-7. That's dreadful. And the "1" was an impossible Z turnaround, fallaway prayer!

3) Ohhh, Rachel McAdams just figured out that Lindsay Lohan tricked her about the energy bars! It's about to go down! ...In any case, Miami got down big - again - subbed in Joel Anthony - again, and took the hell off, pounding the Celtics in the second quarter, and grabbing the halftime lead. They looked like they had weathered Boston's desperate push, and had re-asserted themselves as the younger, more physical, more aggressive team: 10 points and 7 rebounds for Joel in the half, by the way, along with about 6 strong contests at the rim that led to missed Celtic layups - he was the best player on the court in the first twenty-four minutes. Myself - I thought the series was over, myself: At halftime, it seemed reasonable that Spo was not going to start the second half with Z and Bibs out there again - after all, he had started Joel in the second half in a couple of playoff games already - and I thought Miami would kill them...Exxxxxcept, he did start Z and Bibs again, and Miami did get down 10 instantly again - within 4 minutes, I believe, and that seemed to pretty much suck the wind out of everybody, and give the Celtics, who at the end of the second quarter had looked like they were ready to start their offseason, life. Ballgame. If I were running a professional basketball team, we'd probably run through somewhere between thirty and seventy coaches in a season, with my speciality being the on-court, in-between-quarters firing. But honestly, Spo's stubborness (word? stubborninity?) sucked so much spirit out of me tonight, I probably would have let him finish the game, since it was over anyways. I wouldn't have let him take the team bus back to the hotel, though, and he certainly wouldn't be coaching game 4.

4) Haaaa! - Tim Meadows is always hilarious!...Chris. Bosh. (note: for those of you scoring at home, somewhere around the fiftieth game of the season, I started going long "o" on Bosh).  There have been some low, low points in the season for Chris. We're not even going to joke about it here - just point out that Chris scored 6 points on 1-6 shooting, with 5 rebounds in 30 spastic, flailing minutes, before Spo finally yakked him for good halfway through the fourth quarter. Meanwhile, his cover, Kevin Garnett, had 28 points and 18 rebounds. On back-to-back possessions early in the fourth, Chris watched a defensive rebound float quietly by his ear, the Celtics recovered it, and direct-lined a pass to an open Ray Allen for a triple to put them up 16, and then Chris passed up an open 18 footer, tried to swing it to the wing, where it was deflected by Jeff Green, came right back towards Chris, who reached for it, but then had it ripped out of his hands by Rajon Rondo, who ran down and dunked it on the other end with Chris in ineffectual pursuit. In fact, let's just put it this way: Kevin Garnett was like Mean Girl Rachel McAdams, running roughshod over Chris Bosh's idiotic Lacey Chabert! Udonis Haslem hasn't played since November, just recently started practicing, probably has no lift, no timing, and still, as M.Minutos pointed out during the meltdown, "He would have to be better than Chris Bosh." This past week, I heard Udonis on the radio claiming that Dwyane is a much friendlier person than he is, "I hate a lot more people."  I'm pretty sure one of the guys he hates may be Chris Bosh.

5) Commercial for "Hangover II" on now - who thinks the Asian dude is funny? He was easily the worst part of "Hangover," right? The only bad part, really. I was embarrassed for him, his performance was so atrocious, and he ground the movie to a halt whenever he was on the screen. We all agree he's not funny, right?  How did he make it in to the second one?...Rajon Rondo either hyperextended or dislocated his elbow during a nasty third quarter fall. The Celtics training staff walked him to the locker room, trailed closely by ABC sideline reporter Lisa Salters, who suddenly got REPELLED by a Boston Garden security guard. "I said 'NO ONE,'" the guard told Salters as she tried to slide by to get a report on the injury. The funny part? That security guard? Mr. McDevitt!!!!

6) Sorry, sorry, sorry, that was an inside joke that only one or two people got.  But if Spo doesn't care about alienating his own team with his starting lineup, I don't care about alienating my readers with inside jokes. And I can afford to lose a reader or two because, guess what, the Heat just gained a new fan this week! Tania writes in to say:

" ...speaking of balling, based on his respect for Jefe, the Heat is now the 3rd team Blake will root for, after the Rockets and Spurs."

Yes! We are Blake's number three team! This is a grassroots groundswell!!! And just in a nick of time for Blake, since his sorry-ass top two teams were eliminated from playoff contention loooongg ago!  (sorry, Blake - more alienation - it's just a joke)

Quick turnaround with a game Monday, followed by games Wednesday and Friday. You would hope the quicker schedule would help the younger Heat, but you never do know. Monday is huge - win it, and you still maybe escape the series with minimal trouble. Lose, and it is a long bloodbath, one way or another...If you need me before then, I'll be writing in my Burn Book. Later!

-----