6 Thoughts
1) The Pistons are really, really bad. They got up 10 in the first quarter, but as soon as Miami gathered themselves and showed any semblance of coherent basketball, it was over. And this was with Dwyane Wade utterly ineffective: just 10 points in 28 minutes. Game that had to be got, and it got got. Let's do:
2) Well, well, well, look who is back: Mr. Mike Super Buckets Jimmy Cool Beasley. 28 points and 9 rebounds! Is it nitpicking to say that he wasn't crazy efficient offensively? He wasn't Iversonian, but he wasn't exactly Wadesque, either. And I thought his defensive help could have been a little quicker at times. And he dropped at least two or three rebounds. But overall, we will take it. Believe me, we will take it.
3) Eric Reid and Tony Fiorentino couldn't really mention it, but we have to. Dorell Wright, coming off a DUI charge in recent weeks, this week bounced back from that by having a naked picture of his doink circulating on the internet. Not on my internet, of course - I mean other peoples'. Dorell assumed a, ummm, stiff upper lip, and showed up to play: drilled 4-6 triples on his way to 17 points. I am all for the naked internet pictures if he is going to continue to make shots. Coach Spo referred to DWright's, ummm, hard week in his postgame press conference: "people do make mistakes, but we embrace them." Embrace them? Ewwwww!
4) Halftime "entertainment" in Detroit included tremendously fat guys dancing. Like, pulling up their shirts, and shaking their man boobs proudly, and dancing around. On the one hand, it was totally gross and ridiculous. On the other hand it is Detroit: these are people who, for the last 15 years, every time a ball goes out of bounds off the visiting team, the play-by-play announcer goes "DEE-TROIT," and then the crowd goes, "BASKET-BALL," and then has a big cheer and laugh, like that didn't get old about the time Ben Wallace retired 8 seasons ago. Wait - what? Ben Wallace is still on the Pistons? Oh, Jesus...Had to be frustrating to Dorell Wright: no one said a word about these fat guys taking off their clothes, except Heat play-by-play guy, the ever-fit Eric Reid, who claimed a loss of appetite from the show.
5) Jermaine O'Neal: Out, sprained knee and epaulets. In: Black suit, black tie, paisley blue tie. Pistons guard Richard Hamilton: Out, sprained ankle. But, in: Epaulets!!! As Tim Hardaway would say, "Sides is even!!!"
6) So, a lot of people ask me from time-to-time: what is life really like at Casa Dos? Well, there is a lot of fucking around, to be totally honest with you. But there are also serious discussions. For instance, this afternoon, after a day at the beach in old school Lauderdale-by-the-Sea with O. and P. Minutos, I sat out on the corner of our block with M.Minutos, and our neighbor G., while the kids did what kids do all over the neighborhood. We spend a lot of time out on the corner in this way with a few neighborhood regulars. It is just like Hamsterdam from "The Wire," except without drugs, legalized prostitution, or black people (except for my family). Today, somehow, we got to talking about what would happen if your parents were visiting one of your siblings and one of the parents died while they were there. Specifically, what if that parent had a really expensive watch, and your sibling just took it, and you never knew? Potential solutions we came up with for this problem: 1) Encourage your parents to buy really inexpensive watches; 2) If a parent dies while he is visiting your sibling, just assume your sibling is going to claim something of value, and immediately fly to your parents' house and claim some stuff for yourself; 3) Have your parents email you a list of everything they are bringing with them when they go to your siblings' house ("just for record-keeping purposes"). You think I am making this up, but I am not: we talked about this for an hour today. Wish we had come up with better answers...but, there is always tomorrow...
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Friday in Indiana, which is somewhere in the midwest, I believe, perhaps in Missouri. See you then.
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Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Heat 97 Raptors 94
6 Thoughts
1) Gut-check, meaningful win for Miami over Toronto. Miami is 40-34 with 8 games to play, are in sixth place in the East, and now hold a four game lead over eighth place Toronto with a split of the season series...
2) ...Minds were wrong for the better part of three quarters as Miami found itself down in a 17 point hole at home to a Toronto team that they always seem to have trouble stopping. And that's when the "subs" kicked in:
3) Sub # 1: as always, Udonis Haslem, continuing a run of outstanding basketball. If he and the power forward who starts ahead of him, Mike Beasley, were on an old school scale right now, Udonis' side would be all the way down to the bottom on the table, and Beasley would be up in the sky. Or, actually, would it be Udonis up in the sky, and Beasley on the table? Does good play weigh more than bad play? Irregardless...Udonis is playing great - had 11 fourth quarter points tonight, and 23 in the game on 10-11 shooting. Mike is playing great, also, if by "great" you mean that he is absolutely terrible. It didn't feel like it could get any worse than last game, but somehow it did in the first half when he shot 1-9. Then, that felt like the bottom...until he came out in the second half with a missed open 8 footer, and back-to-back horrific turnovers on careless passes. Got yakked with 7 minutes to go in the third quarter, and never returned. Look - God bless Mike, he's a dear, dear friend. But it is tough to put him out there right now. It's tough to imagine playing him in a playoff game, let alone starting him. Man, I don't know what to tell you...I wouldn't want to be Spo right now.
4) Sub # 2: Carlos Arroyo. He was third option all year at point guard. First he backed up Chalmers, then they brought in Rafer Alston, currently missing-in-action. Now Arroyo is the starter, and he is clearly the correct choice. He runs the offense efficiently without turning the ball over, makes the mid-range jumper, and tonight, with a minute to go in a tie game, hit a step back, top-of-the-key jumper with a hand in his face to win the game. Iced it with six straight free throws down the stretch. Tony Fiorentino and Eric Reid did all they could to jinx the free throws, by the way - after citing how strong his percentage from the line has been all season, Tony went "off the team," citing a game when Carlos was on Utah and made 10-10 from the line against Miami. M.Minutos was furious - don't tempt the jinx Gods, Tony...
5) Sub # 3: Joel Anthony. Jermaine O'Neal out with the sprained knee - not sure about the epaulets, didn't notice him on the bench. Joel, not normally the most efficient of offensive players, was one of the few guys who played well early, allowing Miami to hang around by shooting 6-6 in the first half for a career high 13 points. Hard to believe he hadn't scored 13 in a game before, actually. Quit while he was ahead and didn't take a shot in the second half, but his defense on Toronto star Chris Bosh was stellar throughout, hassling Bosh into an 8-20 shooting night, and just 19 points. Joel has carved out a nice little role for himself on this team, and it is always great to see hard work rewarded. He is light years ahead of where he was when he got to this team.
6) Top Five Black Guy Actors, right now:
5- Mekhi Phifer. Always great when he is sullen and brooding, but surprised everyone by being upbeat and likable in Eight Mile.
4- Denzel Washington. Predictably solid. Would like to see him get out of the big budget rut he is in, and do something unpredictable and interesting.
3- Michael Rappoport.
2- Richard T. Jones. You know, this guy:
Two thoughts on Jones. One, this photo is ironic, because what I was going to say before I even found it was that he is so good, he is like a black Brian Austin Green. Weird. Two, last night I was home alone with the boys, M.Minutos was out on the town (with, ironically, white people - she can't get enough of us), and I got sucked into watching, Two Can Get Married on tv, or something like that. You know, the Tyler Perry movie where he isn't dressed like a woman, he is playing a dude, although, honestly, not that well. Seemed a little uncomfortable and creepy. Actually, it occurs to me that I live with all black people - never looked at it like that before - if you are white, you might have no idea what this movie is. Basically, it is like The Big Chill, but with black dudes and gals. So, Richard T. Jones is playing this "playboy" kind of guy, who is married to Jill Scott (who is a chunky but cute popular jazzy R & B singer in real life for you whites out there). He is creeping with a woman in better shape - for some reason he brings his girlfriend to this retreat with his friends, which seems like a terrible idea if you are trying to keep it on the down low. Anyways, Jill Scott goes shopping with two other girls at one point of the movie, and the girls convince her to buy this lingerie because they tell her it will turn on Richard T. Jones. She is skeptical because she is very insecure about her weight, but they are like, No, no, he will really like it. By the way, Jill Scott is pretty; but, her girl friends (one played by Janet Jackson) are just the kind of girls to set you up on a date with someone and tell you, She has a really pretty face, and you are, like, Uh-oh. So, Jill Scott puts on the lingerie that night and comes into the bedroom where RTJ, as I like to call him, is reading on the bed. His eyes bug, not in a good way, and he is like, "What are you wearing," and she is like, "I thought you might like it," and he is like, "Why," and she is like, "My girlfriends told me you would like it," and he bursts out with a cruel, raucous laughter and goes, "HAHAHAHAHA - well, they lied! You look like you are wearing a damn tent!" It made me wonder if there was a take where he played it kind of like understated, and Tyler Perry, the director of the movie, was like, No, no, that is way too much like a real human being would act - I need less realistic. Wayyyy less. Anyways, the point is, he's a fantastic actor, and I give the movie a 10 out of 10.
1- Bunk.
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Off until Wednesday, see you then. Don't do drugs.
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1) Gut-check, meaningful win for Miami over Toronto. Miami is 40-34 with 8 games to play, are in sixth place in the East, and now hold a four game lead over eighth place Toronto with a split of the season series...
2) ...Minds were wrong for the better part of three quarters as Miami found itself down in a 17 point hole at home to a Toronto team that they always seem to have trouble stopping. And that's when the "subs" kicked in:
3) Sub # 1: as always, Udonis Haslem, continuing a run of outstanding basketball. If he and the power forward who starts ahead of him, Mike Beasley, were on an old school scale right now, Udonis' side would be all the way down to the bottom on the table, and Beasley would be up in the sky. Or, actually, would it be Udonis up in the sky, and Beasley on the table? Does good play weigh more than bad play? Irregardless...Udonis is playing great - had 11 fourth quarter points tonight, and 23 in the game on 10-11 shooting. Mike is playing great, also, if by "great" you mean that he is absolutely terrible. It didn't feel like it could get any worse than last game, but somehow it did in the first half when he shot 1-9. Then, that felt like the bottom...until he came out in the second half with a missed open 8 footer, and back-to-back horrific turnovers on careless passes. Got yakked with 7 minutes to go in the third quarter, and never returned. Look - God bless Mike, he's a dear, dear friend. But it is tough to put him out there right now. It's tough to imagine playing him in a playoff game, let alone starting him. Man, I don't know what to tell you...I wouldn't want to be Spo right now.
4) Sub # 2: Carlos Arroyo. He was third option all year at point guard. First he backed up Chalmers, then they brought in Rafer Alston, currently missing-in-action. Now Arroyo is the starter, and he is clearly the correct choice. He runs the offense efficiently without turning the ball over, makes the mid-range jumper, and tonight, with a minute to go in a tie game, hit a step back, top-of-the-key jumper with a hand in his face to win the game. Iced it with six straight free throws down the stretch. Tony Fiorentino and Eric Reid did all they could to jinx the free throws, by the way - after citing how strong his percentage from the line has been all season, Tony went "off the team," citing a game when Carlos was on Utah and made 10-10 from the line against Miami. M.Minutos was furious - don't tempt the jinx Gods, Tony...
5) Sub # 3: Joel Anthony. Jermaine O'Neal out with the sprained knee - not sure about the epaulets, didn't notice him on the bench. Joel, not normally the most efficient of offensive players, was one of the few guys who played well early, allowing Miami to hang around by shooting 6-6 in the first half for a career high 13 points. Hard to believe he hadn't scored 13 in a game before, actually. Quit while he was ahead and didn't take a shot in the second half, but his defense on Toronto star Chris Bosh was stellar throughout, hassling Bosh into an 8-20 shooting night, and just 19 points. Joel has carved out a nice little role for himself on this team, and it is always great to see hard work rewarded. He is light years ahead of where he was when he got to this team.
6) Top Five Black Guy Actors, right now:
5- Mekhi Phifer. Always great when he is sullen and brooding, but surprised everyone by being upbeat and likable in Eight Mile.
4- Denzel Washington. Predictably solid. Would like to see him get out of the big budget rut he is in, and do something unpredictable and interesting.
3- Michael Rappoport.
2- Richard T. Jones. You know, this guy:
Two thoughts on Jones. One, this photo is ironic, because what I was going to say before I even found it was that he is so good, he is like a black Brian Austin Green. Weird. Two, last night I was home alone with the boys, M.Minutos was out on the town (with, ironically, white people - she can't get enough of us), and I got sucked into watching, Two Can Get Married on tv, or something like that. You know, the Tyler Perry movie where he isn't dressed like a woman, he is playing a dude, although, honestly, not that well. Seemed a little uncomfortable and creepy. Actually, it occurs to me that I live with all black people - never looked at it like that before - if you are white, you might have no idea what this movie is. Basically, it is like The Big Chill, but with black dudes and gals. So, Richard T. Jones is playing this "playboy" kind of guy, who is married to Jill Scott (who is a chunky but cute popular jazzy R & B singer in real life for you whites out there). He is creeping with a woman in better shape - for some reason he brings his girlfriend to this retreat with his friends, which seems like a terrible idea if you are trying to keep it on the down low. Anyways, Jill Scott goes shopping with two other girls at one point of the movie, and the girls convince her to buy this lingerie because they tell her it will turn on Richard T. Jones. She is skeptical because she is very insecure about her weight, but they are like, No, no, he will really like it. By the way, Jill Scott is pretty; but, her girl friends (one played by Janet Jackson) are just the kind of girls to set you up on a date with someone and tell you, She has a really pretty face, and you are, like, Uh-oh. So, Jill Scott puts on the lingerie that night and comes into the bedroom where RTJ, as I like to call him, is reading on the bed. His eyes bug, not in a good way, and he is like, "What are you wearing," and she is like, "I thought you might like it," and he is like, "Why," and she is like, "My girlfriends told me you would like it," and he bursts out with a cruel, raucous laughter and goes, "HAHAHAHAHA - well, they lied! You look like you are wearing a damn tent!" It made me wonder if there was a take where he played it kind of like understated, and Tyler Perry, the director of the movie, was like, No, no, that is way too much like a real human being would act - I need less realistic. Wayyyy less. Anyways, the point is, he's a fantastic actor, and I give the movie a 10 out of 10.
1- Bunk.
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Off until Wednesday, see you then. Don't do drugs.
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Friday, March 26, 2010
Heat 87 Bucks 75
6 Thoughts
1) Oh my heavens, Miami is running roughshod through our great Midwest. Back-to-back blowouts to remain in sixth place in the tight, tight Eastern Conference playoff race. Just like last night in Chicago, this game was never really in doubt. Miami is now 39-34, the first time since November they have been five games above .500. Let's do this, then go to bed.
2) I don't care if you are a Republican; I don't care if you are a Democrat - on this night, we all have to agree, thank God we are putting in some health care. Bucks center Andrew Bogut (from Oz): out with a strained back. Heat center Jermaine O'Neal: strained a knee in the first quarter, left for the game. As former Heat philosopher Tim Hardaway once described a game with injuries to players on both teams, "sides is even." Udonis Haslem slightly sprained an ankle, but stayed in the game, moments before Mario "Emcee" Chalmers sprained his own ankle but also continued to play. Worst of all, late in the second quarter, on a scrum under the Heat basket, Bucks swingman Carlos Delfino stumbled awkwardly driving to the basket, fell onto his face while flipping up a crazy shot, and Udonis Haslem rebounded the ball and landed with not insignificant force on the back of Delfino's head and neck, driving him into the floor. Delfino had movement in his extremities, but had to be taken off on a stretcher. Not a good night for staying healthy.
3) Speaking of UD Haslem, he was awesome. Tied a career high with 18 rebounds, added 10 points on 4-6 shooting, and was generally rock-solid. Like always. No one is better than UD, no one plays harder, no one is more conscientious, and no one cares more about winning. And we say it all the time, but no one seems like a better person. As Delfino lay on the ground motionless under the basket for several minutes while attended to by (probably) Socialist government doctors, Haslem watched with extreme concern, apart from the rest of the team, who huddled with Coach Spo. He cares. But when Delfino was taken off the court, and the game resumed, what did UD do? Go right back to work. He's the best. Man, I hope they can find a way to bring him back next year.
4) In his postgame interview UD told Jax that he felt bad about landing on Delfino, and that you never want to hurt anybody out there on a basketball court. I think that is true of all players in the league. Ahh, except for maybe Kurt Thomas...
5) UD's buddy, the guy starting ahead of him at the power forward, the extremely, extremely enigmatic Michael Beasley, is on a run of terrible basketball right now that is not to be believed. He shot 3-9 for 8 points and 3 uncontested rebounds in 32 minutes tonight. His defensive rotations also looked very slow, very late, and often led to Bucks baskets, or Beasley fouls. Mike is already small for his position; he is already underathletic for his position. One thing he has to do is be creative and efficient offensively - it is his only NBA-level skill. But instead, his offensive has become unfocused, disjointed, and mostly characterized by bad decision-making leading to turnovers and a lot of missed, impossible shots. He is waving the ball around in one hand, or down beneath his legs on catches, holding it forever, making passes with one hand, and being indecisive. I challenge anyone to show me an NBA player getting regular minutes playing worse basketball over the past month. Part of his problem is that he is so awkward and indecisive that he is continually in foul trouble, and thank God for that because at least it gets him off the court more quickly. I am way, way out on Mike Beasley as a player right now, as much as I enjoy him as a person. I hate watching him play, and every time he goes out of the game I try to forget that he is on the Heat, at least until the next time Spo puts him back in. His trade value around the league this offseason has to be on zero - that's not going to help this summer. I've watched him play 150 plus games in his career now - I don't think he ever becomes a big-time, impactful player in the NBA. I hope I am wrong.
6) Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up a minute: do you mean to tell me 'Death Panels' are not part of the new health care law? Sarah Palin lied to me? Oh snap - that was the only part of the health care law that I liked! I knew something like this was going to happen...America hoodwinked again...
1) Oh my heavens, Miami is running roughshod through our great Midwest. Back-to-back blowouts to remain in sixth place in the tight, tight Eastern Conference playoff race. Just like last night in Chicago, this game was never really in doubt. Miami is now 39-34, the first time since November they have been five games above .500. Let's do this, then go to bed.
2) I don't care if you are a Republican; I don't care if you are a Democrat - on this night, we all have to agree, thank God we are putting in some health care. Bucks center Andrew Bogut (from Oz): out with a strained back. Heat center Jermaine O'Neal: strained a knee in the first quarter, left for the game. As former Heat philosopher Tim Hardaway once described a game with injuries to players on both teams, "sides is even." Udonis Haslem slightly sprained an ankle, but stayed in the game, moments before Mario "Emcee" Chalmers sprained his own ankle but also continued to play. Worst of all, late in the second quarter, on a scrum under the Heat basket, Bucks swingman Carlos Delfino stumbled awkwardly driving to the basket, fell onto his face while flipping up a crazy shot, and Udonis Haslem rebounded the ball and landed with not insignificant force on the back of Delfino's head and neck, driving him into the floor. Delfino had movement in his extremities, but had to be taken off on a stretcher. Not a good night for staying healthy.
3) Speaking of UD Haslem, he was awesome. Tied a career high with 18 rebounds, added 10 points on 4-6 shooting, and was generally rock-solid. Like always. No one is better than UD, no one plays harder, no one is more conscientious, and no one cares more about winning. And we say it all the time, but no one seems like a better person. As Delfino lay on the ground motionless under the basket for several minutes while attended to by (probably) Socialist government doctors, Haslem watched with extreme concern, apart from the rest of the team, who huddled with Coach Spo. He cares. But when Delfino was taken off the court, and the game resumed, what did UD do? Go right back to work. He's the best. Man, I hope they can find a way to bring him back next year.
4) In his postgame interview UD told Jax that he felt bad about landing on Delfino, and that you never want to hurt anybody out there on a basketball court. I think that is true of all players in the league. Ahh, except for maybe Kurt Thomas...
5) UD's buddy, the guy starting ahead of him at the power forward, the extremely, extremely enigmatic Michael Beasley, is on a run of terrible basketball right now that is not to be believed. He shot 3-9 for 8 points and 3 uncontested rebounds in 32 minutes tonight. His defensive rotations also looked very slow, very late, and often led to Bucks baskets, or Beasley fouls. Mike is already small for his position; he is already underathletic for his position. One thing he has to do is be creative and efficient offensively - it is his only NBA-level skill. But instead, his offensive has become unfocused, disjointed, and mostly characterized by bad decision-making leading to turnovers and a lot of missed, impossible shots. He is waving the ball around in one hand, or down beneath his legs on catches, holding it forever, making passes with one hand, and being indecisive. I challenge anyone to show me an NBA player getting regular minutes playing worse basketball over the past month. Part of his problem is that he is so awkward and indecisive that he is continually in foul trouble, and thank God for that because at least it gets him off the court more quickly. I am way, way out on Mike Beasley as a player right now, as much as I enjoy him as a person. I hate watching him play, and every time he goes out of the game I try to forget that he is on the Heat, at least until the next time Spo puts him back in. His trade value around the league this offseason has to be on zero - that's not going to help this summer. I've watched him play 150 plus games in his career now - I don't think he ever becomes a big-time, impactful player in the NBA. I hope I am wrong.
6) Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up a minute: do you mean to tell me 'Death Panels' are not part of the new health care law? Sarah Palin lied to me? Oh snap - that was the only part of the health care law that I liked! I knew something like this was going to happen...America hoodwinked again...
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Heat 103 Bulls 74
6 Thoughts
1) Oooooh, big beatdown in Chicago, like passing a government-rampage-takeover of the health care system, baby! Four and a half game lead, and the season-series tiebreaker, on Chicago with twelve to play. That seems like it should be enough to get Miami in the playoffs. Socialismo o Muerte, Joakim Noah! Let's do it political-system style, acknowledging in advance that it is a terrible, terrible idea.
2) Running the show like Obama, accepting the double teams and semi-outrageous but predictable racially-coded criticism, looking them over, and then dropping the ball - or the bill - to open shooters like Jermaine O'Neal, Udonis Haslem (and...Nancy Pelosi?), was Dwyane Wade. He took only seven shots, making five, and scored 12 points. But his 10 assists led the way, along with 5 rebounds and 2 blocks in only 29 minutes. It was clearly uncool when Kirk Hinrich, during a third quarter timeout, claimed that Wade was born in Nigeria, and that sharing the ball with his less-gifted teammates was "tearing down the fabric that makes the NBA great." Man, those white guys from the midwest can get really, really angry!
3) Paying the role of Rahm Emmanuel, getting tou- alright, this is retarded. I don't really know anything about Rahm Emmanuel (or health care, or politics, for that matter) except that he seems like a complete putz. Short man's disease. Quentin Richardson is the opposite of a putz, and went to the block early and often, scoring 9 post-up points in the first quarter. Tonight was a TNT broadcast only night - always brutal. Kenny Smith and Barkley, at the game, spent a lot of time talking about how Miami never posts Quentin Richardson, which is just incorrect. They usually do post him when he has a mismatch - the problem is, at the small forward, he usually doesn't have a mismatch. Kenny and Charles never let things like not seeing the games, or flawed analysis, stop them from flapping their gums...juuussst like Republican Jim DeMint of South Carolina, who vowed that heath care would be Obama's Waterloo! We're back! See how we did that, we brought it right back around and finished, like a stumbling Mike Beasley drive in garbage time!
4) How is Derrick Rose like Sarah Palin? Inability to finish. 5-16 from the floor for DRose tonight.
5) In the Rush Limbaugh role? Chicago's Chris Richard. Why? They are both fat. Also, always funny to compare Rush Limbaugh to a black dude.
6) Okay, okay, enough, the game was terrible, over halfway through the first quarter. The Bulls have a ton of injuries and look like they have packed it in - didn't play hard. Streak now stands at one, after the 104 game streak ended Monday night against New Jersey. Thanks to M.Minutos for filling in.
A lot of people wrote in to mourn the loss of the streak and ask how the Wilco concert was. Okay, that's a lie - a lot of people did write in, but mostly to say how great it was that I didn't write the blog that night, and that they prefer M.Minutos. Of course, that was before the brilliant political analysis you've read here tonight!
The Wilco show was great, they are great, and it was a great performance. Tough to say that they were better, though, than the sweet, sweet sandwiches we got from famed South Beach sandwich walkup La Sanwicherie on 14th Street before the show. Prosciutto, tomato, and mozzarella for Thor; Salami, provolone, lettuce, tomato, and pickles for Dos. Stinky!
Best moment at the show itself: when I went to get us two beers just after intermission, ordered two Coronas since we had already been drinking those, and was handed, like literally two fifty ounce cans of beer. I was stunned - each can of beer represented about three days worth of liquid intake for me. I wanted to ask if they had anything smaller, but really, could there possibly be a gayer move than sending back any type of drink because it is too big? I mean, especially if you are a dude? So I paid - $12 each! The Captain pointed out when the bartender put them on the bar I should have been like, "Is that that biggest can you have? Hmmm. I think I am gonna need two then..." Look, in the final analysis, it didn't stop us from drinking them, and if anything, it just made the singalong in "Jesus, etc," even a little mo' dreamier.
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Cheers, and see you tomorrow night in beautiful downtown Milwaukee! Where I have actually been - M.Minutos is from there!!!
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1) Oooooh, big beatdown in Chicago, like passing a government-rampage-takeover of the health care system, baby! Four and a half game lead, and the season-series tiebreaker, on Chicago with twelve to play. That seems like it should be enough to get Miami in the playoffs. Socialismo o Muerte, Joakim Noah! Let's do it political-system style, acknowledging in advance that it is a terrible, terrible idea.
2) Running the show like Obama, accepting the double teams and semi-outrageous but predictable racially-coded criticism, looking them over, and then dropping the ball - or the bill - to open shooters like Jermaine O'Neal, Udonis Haslem (and...Nancy Pelosi?), was Dwyane Wade. He took only seven shots, making five, and scored 12 points. But his 10 assists led the way, along with 5 rebounds and 2 blocks in only 29 minutes. It was clearly uncool when Kirk Hinrich, during a third quarter timeout, claimed that Wade was born in Nigeria, and that sharing the ball with his less-gifted teammates was "tearing down the fabric that makes the NBA great." Man, those white guys from the midwest can get really, really angry!
3) Paying the role of Rahm Emmanuel, getting tou- alright, this is retarded. I don't really know anything about Rahm Emmanuel (or health care, or politics, for that matter) except that he seems like a complete putz. Short man's disease. Quentin Richardson is the opposite of a putz, and went to the block early and often, scoring 9 post-up points in the first quarter. Tonight was a TNT broadcast only night - always brutal. Kenny Smith and Barkley, at the game, spent a lot of time talking about how Miami never posts Quentin Richardson, which is just incorrect. They usually do post him when he has a mismatch - the problem is, at the small forward, he usually doesn't have a mismatch. Kenny and Charles never let things like not seeing the games, or flawed analysis, stop them from flapping their gums...juuussst like Republican Jim DeMint of South Carolina, who vowed that heath care would be Obama's Waterloo! We're back! See how we did that, we brought it right back around and finished, like a stumbling Mike Beasley drive in garbage time!
4) How is Derrick Rose like Sarah Palin? Inability to finish. 5-16 from the floor for DRose tonight.
5) In the Rush Limbaugh role? Chicago's Chris Richard. Why? They are both fat. Also, always funny to compare Rush Limbaugh to a black dude.
6) Okay, okay, enough, the game was terrible, over halfway through the first quarter. The Bulls have a ton of injuries and look like they have packed it in - didn't play hard. Streak now stands at one, after the 104 game streak ended Monday night against New Jersey. Thanks to M.Minutos for filling in.
A lot of people wrote in to mourn the loss of the streak and ask how the Wilco concert was. Okay, that's a lie - a lot of people did write in, but mostly to say how great it was that I didn't write the blog that night, and that they prefer M.Minutos. Of course, that was before the brilliant political analysis you've read here tonight!
The Wilco show was great, they are great, and it was a great performance. Tough to say that they were better, though, than the sweet, sweet sandwiches we got from famed South Beach sandwich walkup La Sanwicherie on 14th Street before the show. Prosciutto, tomato, and mozzarella for Thor; Salami, provolone, lettuce, tomato, and pickles for Dos. Stinky!
Best moment at the show itself: when I went to get us two beers just after intermission, ordered two Coronas since we had already been drinking those, and was handed, like literally two fifty ounce cans of beer. I was stunned - each can of beer represented about three days worth of liquid intake for me. I wanted to ask if they had anything smaller, but really, could there possibly be a gayer move than sending back any type of drink because it is too big? I mean, especially if you are a dude? So I paid - $12 each! The Captain pointed out when the bartender put them on the bar I should have been like, "Is that that biggest can you have? Hmmm. I think I am gonna need two then..." Look, in the final analysis, it didn't stop us from drinking them, and if anything, it just made the singalong in "Jesus, etc," even a little mo' dreamier.
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Cheers, and see you tomorrow night in beautiful downtown Milwaukee! Where I have actually been - M.Minutos is from there!!!
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Monday, March 22, 2010
Heat 99 Nets 89
Dos Minutos 3/22/10
Heat 99 Nets 89
Guest blogger: M. Minutos
Dos is on a mandate with Thor at a Wilco concert, so I’m taking over the keyboard. This was a dull game (I blame the Nets), but we never let that stop us here at D. M. Headquarters:
Fun Facts
As usual, Eric Reid was full of stats to start the game. This is one of his favorites lately: Q Rich: 35 triples in March – most in the league. Thanks, jinx – the Pres missed his first 5 triples and didn’t hit one until late in the second quarter and made just 2 of 7 for the game.
In other news:
·Nets have lost 14 straight at home.
·Nets haven’t won on their home court since January.
·Nets are 3-31 at home for the year.
Okay, great.
·Joel Anthony is 3rd in the NBA in blocking shots off the bench, says Tony (Chris Anderson and Tyrus Thomas are ahead of him). And, more importantly, Tony noted, he’s the best shot blocker off the bench, in minutes played, in the league. A lot of qualifiers there, not to mention the tortured syntax that makes it sound like Joel is literally blocking shots from the bench. Having said that, I’m happy for Joel. Keep up the good work, Natural Butterfingers. Keep up the good work.
·Chris Quinn entered the game for the Nets with 2 minutes left in the first quarter. He was traded from the Heat to the Nets in January – notably, the first (and hopefully last) trade between the Heat and Nets. As I wondered if he hates what we did to him, Tony claimed that Quinn “was a very popular player when he played in Miami” and “everybody” in Miami misses Quinny. Hmm. Eric went on to claim that Quinn has kept in close contact with several Heat players, particularly D. Wade. “They fostered quite a friendship during Quinny’s first three and a half seasons in the league.”
Say what? It would be tough to think of a more unlikely friendship. What do they talk about? Do they hang out together, and if so, doing what? Where is Heat sideline reporter extraordinaire, Jason “Jax” Jackson?? He’s just the man to get to the bottom of this.
Terrence Williams vs. Jermaino – Battle of the Ankles
In the first half, Jermaino couldn’t be stopped: 7/8, 14 points 1:30 into the second. Uh oh – Jermaino called for a blocking foul on a Chris Humphries drive. Jermaino grabbed his ankle after the collision – he may need another IV treatment while he sits with his second foul.
With 6:09 left in the third, JO got his revenge. Jermaino took a dubious charge and during the collision, Terrence Williams lands right on JO’s foot. Sprained ankle, goodbye Terrence. Maybe Jermaino will share some of his IV fluids with him.
Bad news for TW: Near the end of the third quarter, Jax reported that x-rays were being taken and the diagnosis of the ankle injury had been extended to a foot injury. Not sure what that mean, but it sounds bad. He might actually need IV fluids.
Battle of the Ankles score: Jermaino 1, Terrence Williams 0.
Old School
Tonight’s Old School Kia Card: Buck Williams, affectionately known as Funk Williams at Dos Headquarters, though no one can quite remember why. Funk was the 3rd pick in the 1981 draft and played 8 glorious season with the Nets. His given name: Charles Linwood Williams, which is not nearly as catchy as Funk Williams.
Eric, waxing nostalgic about the Buck Williams era of the Nets, called him a “Udonis Haslem-type of guy, only with more size.” I think I saw Udonis, out for the game with a bad ankle, wince at the comparison. By the way, Funk just turned 50 this month- Happy Birthday, Funk.
Nothing But Nets (I’m auctioning this off as the title for Funk William’s memoirs. Call me, Funk.)
·Heat got off to a bad start – halfway through the first quarter the Nets couldn’t miss from 3, Wade hadn’t scored and the Nets were up 17-14.
·Nets up 32-25 after the first. Mildly annoying but I’m fairly confident things will turn around, not because we are that good, but because the Nets are that bad.
·Just after the D. Wade hit his stride and the Heat mustered up the energy to take a 3-point lead at halftime, Terrence Williams made a half-court shot at the buzzer. Nets 53-52 at the half. Now I’m annoyed.
·Eric Reid, after the Heat went on a 14-2 run to go up 66-59 with 7 minutes to go in the third quarter: “The Nets’ biggest problem this year, other than losing-” Hold it right there, Eric. Losing is their biggest problem. No need to go on.
·After the game, Coach Spoelstra said: "By the second quarter we tightened it up defensively. "That was the difference in the game. You look at a team like the Nets and their record, and you're very deceived by it."
I think I can speak for the gang here at Headquarters when I say the we weren’t deceived by the record. We knew exactly what the Nets had in store for us.
Dos will be back Thursday, and not a moment too soon. I don’t know how he does this more than 80 times per year. Someone should check him for PEDs.
M. Minutos
Heat 99 Nets 89
Guest blogger: M. Minutos
Dos is on a mandate with Thor at a Wilco concert, so I’m taking over the keyboard. This was a dull game (I blame the Nets), but we never let that stop us here at D. M. Headquarters:
Fun Facts
As usual, Eric Reid was full of stats to start the game. This is one of his favorites lately: Q Rich: 35 triples in March – most in the league. Thanks, jinx – the Pres missed his first 5 triples and didn’t hit one until late in the second quarter and made just 2 of 7 for the game.
In other news:
·Nets have lost 14 straight at home.
·Nets haven’t won on their home court since January.
·Nets are 3-31 at home for the year.
Okay, great.
·Joel Anthony is 3rd in the NBA in blocking shots off the bench, says Tony (Chris Anderson and Tyrus Thomas are ahead of him). And, more importantly, Tony noted, he’s the best shot blocker off the bench, in minutes played, in the league. A lot of qualifiers there, not to mention the tortured syntax that makes it sound like Joel is literally blocking shots from the bench. Having said that, I’m happy for Joel. Keep up the good work, Natural Butterfingers. Keep up the good work.
·Chris Quinn entered the game for the Nets with 2 minutes left in the first quarter. He was traded from the Heat to the Nets in January – notably, the first (and hopefully last) trade between the Heat and Nets. As I wondered if he hates what we did to him, Tony claimed that Quinn “was a very popular player when he played in Miami” and “everybody” in Miami misses Quinny. Hmm. Eric went on to claim that Quinn has kept in close contact with several Heat players, particularly D. Wade. “They fostered quite a friendship during Quinny’s first three and a half seasons in the league.”
Say what? It would be tough to think of a more unlikely friendship. What do they talk about? Do they hang out together, and if so, doing what? Where is Heat sideline reporter extraordinaire, Jason “Jax” Jackson?? He’s just the man to get to the bottom of this.
Terrence Williams vs. Jermaino – Battle of the Ankles
In the first half, Jermaino couldn’t be stopped: 7/8, 14 points 1:30 into the second. Uh oh – Jermaino called for a blocking foul on a Chris Humphries drive. Jermaino grabbed his ankle after the collision – he may need another IV treatment while he sits with his second foul.
With 6:09 left in the third, JO got his revenge. Jermaino took a dubious charge and during the collision, Terrence Williams lands right on JO’s foot. Sprained ankle, goodbye Terrence. Maybe Jermaino will share some of his IV fluids with him.
Bad news for TW: Near the end of the third quarter, Jax reported that x-rays were being taken and the diagnosis of the ankle injury had been extended to a foot injury. Not sure what that mean, but it sounds bad. He might actually need IV fluids.
Battle of the Ankles score: Jermaino 1, Terrence Williams 0.
Old School
Tonight’s Old School Kia Card: Buck Williams, affectionately known as Funk Williams at Dos Headquarters, though no one can quite remember why. Funk was the 3rd pick in the 1981 draft and played 8 glorious season with the Nets. His given name: Charles Linwood Williams, which is not nearly as catchy as Funk Williams.
Eric, waxing nostalgic about the Buck Williams era of the Nets, called him a “Udonis Haslem-type of guy, only with more size.” I think I saw Udonis, out for the game with a bad ankle, wince at the comparison. By the way, Funk just turned 50 this month- Happy Birthday, Funk.
Nothing But Nets (I’m auctioning this off as the title for Funk William’s memoirs. Call me, Funk.)
·Heat got off to a bad start – halfway through the first quarter the Nets couldn’t miss from 3, Wade hadn’t scored and the Nets were up 17-14.
·Nets up 32-25 after the first. Mildly annoying but I’m fairly confident things will turn around, not because we are that good, but because the Nets are that bad.
·Just after the D. Wade hit his stride and the Heat mustered up the energy to take a 3-point lead at halftime, Terrence Williams made a half-court shot at the buzzer. Nets 53-52 at the half. Now I’m annoyed.
·Eric Reid, after the Heat went on a 14-2 run to go up 66-59 with 7 minutes to go in the third quarter: “The Nets’ biggest problem this year, other than losing-” Hold it right there, Eric. Losing is their biggest problem. No need to go on.
·After the game, Coach Spoelstra said: "By the second quarter we tightened it up defensively. "That was the difference in the game. You look at a team like the Nets and their record, and you're very deceived by it."
I think I can speak for the gang here at Headquarters when I say the we weren’t deceived by the record. We knew exactly what the Nets had in store for us.
Dos will be back Thursday, and not a moment too soon. I don’t know how he does this more than 80 times per year. Someone should check him for PEDs.
M. Minutos
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Heat 77 Bobcats 71
6 Thoughts
1) That wasn't good; but it was tough. Miami never found any offensive flow; shot only 20 free throws - 4 at the end on stop-the-clock fouls - compared to 34 for Charlotte; made only 36% from the floor; got only 14 points from Dwyane Wade; would have been blown off the court early on if not for Quentin Richardson's six - six - first half threes; and couldn't pull away from a team that made only six - six - second half baskets. How did they win? 29.2%. That's what they held Charlotte to from the floor. Miami also won the rebounding battle by 7 boards, forced 15 turnovers, and blocked 13 - 13 - shots, including 5 by DWade. Moved a half game in front of Charlotte for 6th - that's where they need to be. And they have to beat Charlotte outright - can't finish in a tie - because even with this win, they lost the season series to the Bobcats 3-1.
2) What do Heat center Jermaine O'Neal and new Bobcats owner Michael Jordan have in common? They are all-time NBA greats? Okay, not exactly. They both date Cuban "models" from Kendall who are half their age? I hope not, because Jermaino is only 31. They are both prematurely balding black men? Ahh, yes - but's not what we are going for. Oh snap, I know! They both love to wear military garb! Jermaino out with a sprained ankle, and in with the epaulets! As always! M.Minutos can't figure out if it is the same coat every time, or if he just has a lot of coats with epaulets. He is making 20+ million dollars this year - I hope it is multiple coats. And Michael Jordan - resplendent in a puke-colored yellow pullover, slacks, and Federalista cap! Looking a little over-chunky, and somewhat slurry and milky-eyed. Still, somewhat youthful for a guy in his late 50s, though. Wait, what? He's only 47? Oh...yikes.
3) Jermaino out, Joel-o in. Joel Anthony was really, really good, with 9 points, 9 rebounds, and 3 blocks. He generally ranged around the paint, deterring drives. Geez, the other team shot 29%, the center has to get some love. Also, cooked oxtail at halftime with Jax. Seemed like he knew a little about cooking, but with his hands, I suggest staying away with the knives. M.Minutos doesn't call him a "natural butterfingers" for nothing.
4) Best play of the game: with 3 seconds to go in the first half, Bobcats center Tyson Chandler cut down the lane, received a pass in stride from a guard, and went up to dunk with authority...Oh snap!-Here comes Dwyane Wade, all 6'3" of him, from the side, flyyyying, to reject the ball with force, leaving Chandler slightly wide-eyed in amazement. Every year Wade leads the league in shots blocked by a guard - add Tyson Chandler to the highlight reel. There will be others.
5) As they do almost every game, Heat announcers Eric Reid and Tony Fiorentino praised the in-game work of their buddy, stat guy Steve LeBeau, who feeds them numbers during the game to aid the broadcast. Showed him on camera, and gave the viewers a new piece of information: Lebeau runs a camp in the summer. Wait - you mean like a stat camp? Oh snap! "Guys - when a guy gets to five, say, free throws, the first four I write with lines in a row, but on the fifth one I like to put a diagonal line through the first four, and then repeat the process again. When I look back at that stat, I know: the row with the diagonal line, that's five, and I can add up those numbers very quickly...let's all try that..."
6) Health Care/Entitlement Debate, point # 622:
So I am at a new library on Lantana Boulevard today, researching Nazis, or, more specifically, the British government's policy towards Jewish refugees during World War II (in brief: it wasn't generous). The library is a year or two old, built by the county in a lower-middle class neighborhood. It is a really beautiful place: small, but bright, and airy, lots of natural light, great ergonomically correct seating, free wifi - so excellent to see something so well-done in a community that needs quality amenities. I take a break out in front of the library from Eleanor Rathbone's hectoring of the British Home Office and there is a sweet redneck-y couple sitting out on the front bench. The neighborhood is probably mostly Hispanic, part black, with some rednecks thrown in. This couple, they were rednecks - just to be clear - that's not meant to be pejorative, some people are white dudes, and some people are black dudes, and these two were kind of white, but, you know...So the dude, he is like 40, has a mullet, and bad ink, but not, like, jailhouse bad ink like Richard Jefferson; and his wife, well, I'm sure you can imagine her. So the guy leans across to this black woman sitting on the bench across from them - clearly he had been discussing something with his wife which I hadn't heard, and now he was going outside the marriage for advice. He says to her, "how many movies can you check out here at one time," and the woman says, "ten." How she knew that, I don't know. But the guy immediately shakes his head in displeasure and grumbles, "Ten? At the other library you can check out twenty..." This redneck dude needs twenty movies at a time? Really? Twenty? Oh snap, I knew this was going to happen!...Freakin' Obama...Where is Joe The Plumber when you need him?!!
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On a serious note - very serious - tonight's game makes 104 straight games that I have watched in entirety. But this is the end of the line. Monday I will be going to a Wilco concert in Miami with Dos Minutos' favorite reader, Thor, and there is a 99% chance I will be too sticky on something to watch the game afterwards. I could take PEDs to continue the streak - like Cal Ripken did when he 'broke' Lou Gehrig's record - but I have too much respect for the game to do that. It has been an honor representing you - we'll be back on Thursday for the Bulls on TNT - let's hope the Clapping Man hasn't disposed of Doug Collins by then - and for a review of the Wilco show. Until then, Godspeed, and see if you can watch twenty movies in one day...
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1) That wasn't good; but it was tough. Miami never found any offensive flow; shot only 20 free throws - 4 at the end on stop-the-clock fouls - compared to 34 for Charlotte; made only 36% from the floor; got only 14 points from Dwyane Wade; would have been blown off the court early on if not for Quentin Richardson's six - six - first half threes; and couldn't pull away from a team that made only six - six - second half baskets. How did they win? 29.2%. That's what they held Charlotte to from the floor. Miami also won the rebounding battle by 7 boards, forced 15 turnovers, and blocked 13 - 13 - shots, including 5 by DWade. Moved a half game in front of Charlotte for 6th - that's where they need to be. And they have to beat Charlotte outright - can't finish in a tie - because even with this win, they lost the season series to the Bobcats 3-1.
2) What do Heat center Jermaine O'Neal and new Bobcats owner Michael Jordan have in common? They are all-time NBA greats? Okay, not exactly. They both date Cuban "models" from Kendall who are half their age? I hope not, because Jermaino is only 31. They are both prematurely balding black men? Ahh, yes - but's not what we are going for. Oh snap, I know! They both love to wear military garb! Jermaino out with a sprained ankle, and in with the epaulets! As always! M.Minutos can't figure out if it is the same coat every time, or if he just has a lot of coats with epaulets. He is making 20+ million dollars this year - I hope it is multiple coats. And Michael Jordan - resplendent in a puke-colored yellow pullover, slacks, and Federalista cap! Looking a little over-chunky, and somewhat slurry and milky-eyed. Still, somewhat youthful for a guy in his late 50s, though. Wait, what? He's only 47? Oh...yikes.
3) Jermaino out, Joel-o in. Joel Anthony was really, really good, with 9 points, 9 rebounds, and 3 blocks. He generally ranged around the paint, deterring drives. Geez, the other team shot 29%, the center has to get some love. Also, cooked oxtail at halftime with Jax. Seemed like he knew a little about cooking, but with his hands, I suggest staying away with the knives. M.Minutos doesn't call him a "natural butterfingers" for nothing.
4) Best play of the game: with 3 seconds to go in the first half, Bobcats center Tyson Chandler cut down the lane, received a pass in stride from a guard, and went up to dunk with authority...Oh snap!-Here comes Dwyane Wade, all 6'3" of him, from the side, flyyyying, to reject the ball with force, leaving Chandler slightly wide-eyed in amazement. Every year Wade leads the league in shots blocked by a guard - add Tyson Chandler to the highlight reel. There will be others.
5) As they do almost every game, Heat announcers Eric Reid and Tony Fiorentino praised the in-game work of their buddy, stat guy Steve LeBeau, who feeds them numbers during the game to aid the broadcast. Showed him on camera, and gave the viewers a new piece of information: Lebeau runs a camp in the summer. Wait - you mean like a stat camp? Oh snap! "Guys - when a guy gets to five, say, free throws, the first four I write with lines in a row, but on the fifth one I like to put a diagonal line through the first four, and then repeat the process again. When I look back at that stat, I know: the row with the diagonal line, that's five, and I can add up those numbers very quickly...let's all try that..."
6) Health Care/Entitlement Debate, point # 622:
So I am at a new library on Lantana Boulevard today, researching Nazis, or, more specifically, the British government's policy towards Jewish refugees during World War II (in brief: it wasn't generous). The library is a year or two old, built by the county in a lower-middle class neighborhood. It is a really beautiful place: small, but bright, and airy, lots of natural light, great ergonomically correct seating, free wifi - so excellent to see something so well-done in a community that needs quality amenities. I take a break out in front of the library from Eleanor Rathbone's hectoring of the British Home Office and there is a sweet redneck-y couple sitting out on the front bench. The neighborhood is probably mostly Hispanic, part black, with some rednecks thrown in. This couple, they were rednecks - just to be clear - that's not meant to be pejorative, some people are white dudes, and some people are black dudes, and these two were kind of white, but, you know...So the dude, he is like 40, has a mullet, and bad ink, but not, like, jailhouse bad ink like Richard Jefferson; and his wife, well, I'm sure you can imagine her. So the guy leans across to this black woman sitting on the bench across from them - clearly he had been discussing something with his wife which I hadn't heard, and now he was going outside the marriage for advice. He says to her, "how many movies can you check out here at one time," and the woman says, "ten." How she knew that, I don't know. But the guy immediately shakes his head in displeasure and grumbles, "Ten? At the other library you can check out twenty..." This redneck dude needs twenty movies at a time? Really? Twenty? Oh snap, I knew this was going to happen!...Freakin' Obama...Where is Joe The Plumber when you need him?!!
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On a serious note - very serious - tonight's game makes 104 straight games that I have watched in entirety. But this is the end of the line. Monday I will be going to a Wilco concert in Miami with Dos Minutos' favorite reader, Thor, and there is a 99% chance I will be too sticky on something to watch the game afterwards. I could take PEDs to continue the streak - like Cal Ripken did when he 'broke' Lou Gehrig's record - but I have too much respect for the game to do that. It has been an honor representing you - we'll be back on Thursday for the Bulls on TNT - let's hope the Clapping Man hasn't disposed of Doug Collins by then - and for a review of the Wilco show. Until then, Godspeed, and see if you can watch twenty movies in one day...
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Thursday, March 18, 2010
Magic 108 Heat 102 ot
6 Thoughts
1) Tough loss. Miami played a strong first half, a desultory 20 minutes in the second half, then nearly stole the game with a a late rush engineered by...Mik- just kidding - Dwyane Wade, of course. Had a last shot to win in regulation, didn't, and lost in overtime. Now 35-34 on the season. Every game has all sorts of playoff implications for Miami from now until the end of the season. The reality is that Chicago is so banged up, that Miami is almost certain to qualify for the post-season. But finishing 7th or 8th gets you Orlando or Cleveland, respectively. Those are not winnable series. But sixth or fifth - and fifth is pretty much gone - gets you Atlanta or Boston. Those are potentially winnable series, with a few breaks.
2) Bad choice # 1: Tied with 15 seconds to go, Miami came down the court for the last shot, opting not to take a time out - that was a good choice. It went awry from there. Orlando jumped Wade at midcourt, and he dropped the ball to Mike Beasley at the foul line. Dorell Wright's man had doubled Wade, so he was spotting up at the three point line for a wide open shot. Beas eschewed that and went left against Dwight Howard - got a half-step on him, but instead of trying to force his way to the rim, maybe getting fouled, he settled for his patented I'm-going-to-lean-back-and-try-to-bank-a-fall-away-runner-off-the-glass-and-avoid-all-possible-contact shot. It works fairly effectively, but it's a bad choice against Dwight Howard. Shot got blocked out of bounds. I like that Mike tried to make a play, but it was a bad decision. He needed to either: 1) reverse the ball to Wright for a jumper; 2) try to get his shoulder past Howard and force his way to the rim; or 3) take one dribble, pull up for a rhythm jumper. By the way, the order in likelihood of success, probably 3, 1, 2 - realistically if he tried to bull his way past Howard, he would have had the ball stuffed into his ear hole. It was a bad night overall for Mike - hasn't looked good for two or three weeks. Kept losing Rashard Lewis in the corner late for open triples, drawing Dwyane Wade's ire. Seems down.
3) Bad choice # 2: after the blocked shot, Miami had the ball side out of bounds with 3.4 seconds to go, and called a timeout. I don't think I am playing the result when I say I'd like to see a last play in a situation like this where there are at least options. Spo does the same thing every time in this situation - try to run Dwyane Wade off a series of screens to catch the ball on the move coming down the sidelines. Wade is so fast and strong that getting the ball in to him is never a problem. The problem is that the other team is always going to switch over the screens, and by the time Wade catches it, there going to be two or three guys surrounding him. Tonight one of the guys was Dwight Howard - Wade caught the ball, and he's only 6'3" and when he is surrounded by length, with no time to put it on the floor for more than a dribble or two, he isn't going to get a great shot. In this game, he got no shot at all, really, just a falling-away, leaning-around throw from 18 feet that hit the side of the backboard. Orlando is good, and well-coached - Stan Van Gundy isn't Byron Scott, he knows the ball is going to Wade, and made sure to surround him. How about entering the ball to Wade, and running a cutter down the lane so he has the option to try to hit him? How about Beasley screening for Wade, then spotting up and get the ball entered to him for a jumper - though Dwyane Wade might sign elsewhere as soon as that play was drawn up. I don't know - it just felt like a bad decision...
4) I don't want to jinx it, because there is a good chance Miami will play Orlando in the playoffs, but Jermaine O'Neal is becoming Dwight Howard's kryptonite. Jermaino blocked a season high 5 shots - 4 of them by Dwight Howard, including a jump hook (!) early, and a dunk attempt late. Jermaino has played him tough all year long, and is a big reason Miami split the season series at two games apiece. Late in the season, Jermaino has taken to telling the media that "I still know how to play this game," in a performance eerily reminiscent of Alonzo Mourning, who after every good game he played in the championship '06 run, would inevitably get the question about how it felt to be playing well after all his injuries and illnesses, and he would just shake his head slowly, sigh, get mock-exhausted, and tell the reporter: "Look...don't question whether I can still play this game, I mean, come on, man." Jermaino is heading right to that territory. He's like old man Alonzo now - I mean, without the rebounding...
5) It was nationally televised game, TNT network only, Marv Albert and always nervous Doug Collins in town to provide the coverage. Marv is solid - the best ever, probably, although he has a weird thing now where he can't seem to tell what player any foul is on. In fairness, as M.Minutos pointed out, he's eighty. Doug Collins just gets nervous - I mean for the players and coaches, not to be on tv - and starts worrying that a team is struggling the first time they get down more than a basket. It easy to see why he quickly wore out his welcome at all his coaching stops - had a reputation of being very frustrating to play for, what with the panic meter perpetually dialed up to a minimum of 8.5. The highlight of the game tonight? Not Wade's 36, or Vince Carter's numerous big plays down the stretch. It was during the timeout with 40 seconds to go in regulation, and Miami up one, when a young skinny Latino-looking Mike Piazza clone, who was sitting directly behind the TNT announcing table, clearly had some problem with Collins, and spent the entire timeout, with the camera on Collins and Albert, staring at Collins with laser-like focus, while rhythmically clapping as hard and quickly as he could at Collins. Not sure if Collins tried to play through the kid's foursome on the golf course today, or he is just a psychotic killer. Doesn't even matter- totally hilarious either way.
6) Anyone who knows anything knows that both The Captain and Plumber love jazz. One major difference: The Captain really does love it; Plumber just said he loved it one afternoon when he was visiting me and M.Minutos in Newport. If I recall correctly, and I like to think that I do, he directed the comment at us when we expressed skepticism that he would enjoy going out to a jazz brunch, as he was asserting. I know he wasn’t drunk, because he doesn’t drink, but I think he was little hyped up because he was in New England – it’s nice there. But the Captain really likes jazz. He moved down to Florida thirty years ago to hang out at the beach, chase girls, and rock out to, ummm, jazz. Whoa, slow down, Corey Haim! But I digress. In honor of my boys, The Captain and Plumber, I am going to give you my five favorite jazz artists of all-time:
5) tie: John Coltrane and Miles Davis. One of them made the all-time jazz classic, “A Kind of Blue,” or “A Shade of Blue,” or something like that. Not sure which one did it, so I’m putting them both on the list.
4) Dave Brubeck. Not totally sure he is jazz, or that he is even a real person, but one day recently The Captain was saying something about jazz, and I said, “like Dave Brubeck,” and he laughed, so I think he is.
3) Spyro Gyra. I think they are like "fusion-jazz." I also think that I would kill myself if I had to listen to "fusion-jazz" for more than, like, six minutes.
2) Kevin Eubanks from The Tonight Show.
1) Yes. “Roundabout,” boy!
1) Tough loss. Miami played a strong first half, a desultory 20 minutes in the second half, then nearly stole the game with a a late rush engineered by...Mik- just kidding - Dwyane Wade, of course. Had a last shot to win in regulation, didn't, and lost in overtime. Now 35-34 on the season. Every game has all sorts of playoff implications for Miami from now until the end of the season. The reality is that Chicago is so banged up, that Miami is almost certain to qualify for the post-season. But finishing 7th or 8th gets you Orlando or Cleveland, respectively. Those are not winnable series. But sixth or fifth - and fifth is pretty much gone - gets you Atlanta or Boston. Those are potentially winnable series, with a few breaks.
2) Bad choice # 1: Tied with 15 seconds to go, Miami came down the court for the last shot, opting not to take a time out - that was a good choice. It went awry from there. Orlando jumped Wade at midcourt, and he dropped the ball to Mike Beasley at the foul line. Dorell Wright's man had doubled Wade, so he was spotting up at the three point line for a wide open shot. Beas eschewed that and went left against Dwight Howard - got a half-step on him, but instead of trying to force his way to the rim, maybe getting fouled, he settled for his patented I'm-going-to-lean-back-and-try-to-bank-a-fall-away-runner-off-the-glass-and-avoid-all-possible-contact shot. It works fairly effectively, but it's a bad choice against Dwight Howard. Shot got blocked out of bounds. I like that Mike tried to make a play, but it was a bad decision. He needed to either: 1) reverse the ball to Wright for a jumper; 2) try to get his shoulder past Howard and force his way to the rim; or 3) take one dribble, pull up for a rhythm jumper. By the way, the order in likelihood of success, probably 3, 1, 2 - realistically if he tried to bull his way past Howard, he would have had the ball stuffed into his ear hole. It was a bad night overall for Mike - hasn't looked good for two or three weeks. Kept losing Rashard Lewis in the corner late for open triples, drawing Dwyane Wade's ire. Seems down.
3) Bad choice # 2: after the blocked shot, Miami had the ball side out of bounds with 3.4 seconds to go, and called a timeout. I don't think I am playing the result when I say I'd like to see a last play in a situation like this where there are at least options. Spo does the same thing every time in this situation - try to run Dwyane Wade off a series of screens to catch the ball on the move coming down the sidelines. Wade is so fast and strong that getting the ball in to him is never a problem. The problem is that the other team is always going to switch over the screens, and by the time Wade catches it, there going to be two or three guys surrounding him. Tonight one of the guys was Dwight Howard - Wade caught the ball, and he's only 6'3" and when he is surrounded by length, with no time to put it on the floor for more than a dribble or two, he isn't going to get a great shot. In this game, he got no shot at all, really, just a falling-away, leaning-around throw from 18 feet that hit the side of the backboard. Orlando is good, and well-coached - Stan Van Gundy isn't Byron Scott, he knows the ball is going to Wade, and made sure to surround him. How about entering the ball to Wade, and running a cutter down the lane so he has the option to try to hit him? How about Beasley screening for Wade, then spotting up and get the ball entered to him for a jumper - though Dwyane Wade might sign elsewhere as soon as that play was drawn up. I don't know - it just felt like a bad decision...
4) I don't want to jinx it, because there is a good chance Miami will play Orlando in the playoffs, but Jermaine O'Neal is becoming Dwight Howard's kryptonite. Jermaino blocked a season high 5 shots - 4 of them by Dwight Howard, including a jump hook (!) early, and a dunk attempt late. Jermaino has played him tough all year long, and is a big reason Miami split the season series at two games apiece. Late in the season, Jermaino has taken to telling the media that "I still know how to play this game," in a performance eerily reminiscent of Alonzo Mourning, who after every good game he played in the championship '06 run, would inevitably get the question about how it felt to be playing well after all his injuries and illnesses, and he would just shake his head slowly, sigh, get mock-exhausted, and tell the reporter: "Look...don't question whether I can still play this game, I mean, come on, man." Jermaino is heading right to that territory. He's like old man Alonzo now - I mean, without the rebounding...
5) It was nationally televised game, TNT network only, Marv Albert and always nervous Doug Collins in town to provide the coverage. Marv is solid - the best ever, probably, although he has a weird thing now where he can't seem to tell what player any foul is on. In fairness, as M.Minutos pointed out, he's eighty. Doug Collins just gets nervous - I mean for the players and coaches, not to be on tv - and starts worrying that a team is struggling the first time they get down more than a basket. It easy to see why he quickly wore out his welcome at all his coaching stops - had a reputation of being very frustrating to play for, what with the panic meter perpetually dialed up to a minimum of 8.5. The highlight of the game tonight? Not Wade's 36, or Vince Carter's numerous big plays down the stretch. It was during the timeout with 40 seconds to go in regulation, and Miami up one, when a young skinny Latino-looking Mike Piazza clone, who was sitting directly behind the TNT announcing table, clearly had some problem with Collins, and spent the entire timeout, with the camera on Collins and Albert, staring at Collins with laser-like focus, while rhythmically clapping as hard and quickly as he could at Collins. Not sure if Collins tried to play through the kid's foursome on the golf course today, or he is just a psychotic killer. Doesn't even matter- totally hilarious either way.
6) Anyone who knows anything knows that both The Captain and Plumber love jazz. One major difference: The Captain really does love it; Plumber just said he loved it one afternoon when he was visiting me and M.Minutos in Newport. If I recall correctly, and I like to think that I do, he directed the comment at us when we expressed skepticism that he would enjoy going out to a jazz brunch, as he was asserting. I know he wasn’t drunk, because he doesn’t drink, but I think he was little hyped up because he was in New England – it’s nice there. But the Captain really likes jazz. He moved down to Florida thirty years ago to hang out at the beach, chase girls, and rock out to, ummm, jazz. Whoa, slow down, Corey Haim! But I digress. In honor of my boys, The Captain and Plumber, I am going to give you my five favorite jazz artists of all-time:
5) tie: John Coltrane and Miles Davis. One of them made the all-time jazz classic, “A Kind of Blue,” or “A Shade of Blue,” or something like that. Not sure which one did it, so I’m putting them both on the list.
4) Dave Brubeck. Not totally sure he is jazz, or that he is even a real person, but one day recently The Captain was saying something about jazz, and I said, “like Dave Brubeck,” and he laughed, so I think he is.
3) Spyro Gyra. I think they are like "fusion-jazz." I also think that I would kill myself if I had to listen to "fusion-jazz" for more than, like, six minutes.
2) Kevin Eubanks from The Tonight Show.
1) Yes. “Roundabout,” boy!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Spurs 88 Heat 76
6 Thoughts
1) If you are going to lose, that's the way to do it: get killed early, and take the suspense out of it so we can all relax. Down 27 - late window-dressing run made the score respectable but Miami never really threatened. Six game home winning streak over. Charlotte lost a surprise game in Indiana, so the Heat didn't lose any ground to them. Chicago losing in Memphis as we write...Let's identify the problems in tonight's game. We'll go quick - no need to dwell on the loss, and we are answering a pressing question tonight down in #6.
2) Miami couldn't get an open, clean look at the basket.
3) When Miami did get an open, clean look at the basket, they couldn't make the shot.
4) Spurs guard George Hill could not miss on a series of early ridiculously tough shots - and he's a not particularly great shooter.
5) It was Noche Latino night, or whatever it is called, in the NBA - and you have to believe Miami got just a little too geeked about once again donning the El Heat jerseys. By the way, even thought it is called Latino night, we are having it again on Thursday - go figure...
6) Okay, that's that, now on to important business...So, of course, the question I keep getting over and over these days is: Why MMA? Why now?
Well, first of all, I am probably going to retire from this blog after the season, so I will need something to occupy my spare time, and mixed martial arts fighting has always been a passion of mine, just one that I didn't talk about much. Secondly, while I am a little bit older now, I do feel like I finally have the muscle maturity to excel at the sport. I am 6’1”, 175 pounds – to be honest, I don’t follow MMA that closely, so I’m not sure how that is going to stack up against some of the big-time competitors, size-wise, but I imagine pretty well. Someone asked me the other day if I am more of a “striker,” or if I rely on my “ground game” – again, I don’t follow the sport that closely, so I’m not too sure what those things are. Basically, my strategy for my fights is to be really physical: I like to get in my opponent’s face and stay there, kind of bully him around the ring. Wait - what? Oh, right…around the octagon. Then, when I have worn him down a little, I will go for the knockout. Seems like that should work. As for training, I am putting in 3-5 hours a week at the House of Pain Gym, in West Palm Beach. I try to go most evenings after work for about an hour, if I’m not too tired. But, of course, never on Friday, because that is the Sabbath. I bring The Captain, and he puts me through my paces – usually about 10 minutes of stretching, then a good 25 minutes of cardio, followed by some super-intense Pilates. We try to stay away from the weights – don’t want to get too muscle-bound. Had my first sparring match last week – The Captain kept screaming at me to “use the Arm Bar,” but I didn’t know what that was, so it was super-distracting, and eventually the girl choked me out. That was just my first fight, though, so I'm not discouraged...
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Another tough game Thursday vs. Orlando, then a huge showdown Saturday against co-playoff aspirant Charlotte.
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1) If you are going to lose, that's the way to do it: get killed early, and take the suspense out of it so we can all relax. Down 27 - late window-dressing run made the score respectable but Miami never really threatened. Six game home winning streak over. Charlotte lost a surprise game in Indiana, so the Heat didn't lose any ground to them. Chicago losing in Memphis as we write...Let's identify the problems in tonight's game. We'll go quick - no need to dwell on the loss, and we are answering a pressing question tonight down in #6.
2) Miami couldn't get an open, clean look at the basket.
3) When Miami did get an open, clean look at the basket, they couldn't make the shot.
4) Spurs guard George Hill could not miss on a series of early ridiculously tough shots - and he's a not particularly great shooter.
5) It was Noche Latino night, or whatever it is called, in the NBA - and you have to believe Miami got just a little too geeked about once again donning the El Heat jerseys. By the way, even thought it is called Latino night, we are having it again on Thursday - go figure...
6) Okay, that's that, now on to important business...So, of course, the question I keep getting over and over these days is: Why MMA? Why now?
Well, first of all, I am probably going to retire from this blog after the season, so I will need something to occupy my spare time, and mixed martial arts fighting has always been a passion of mine, just one that I didn't talk about much. Secondly, while I am a little bit older now, I do feel like I finally have the muscle maturity to excel at the sport. I am 6’1”, 175 pounds – to be honest, I don’t follow MMA that closely, so I’m not sure how that is going to stack up against some of the big-time competitors, size-wise, but I imagine pretty well. Someone asked me the other day if I am more of a “striker,” or if I rely on my “ground game” – again, I don’t follow the sport that closely, so I’m not too sure what those things are. Basically, my strategy for my fights is to be really physical: I like to get in my opponent’s face and stay there, kind of bully him around the ring. Wait - what? Oh, right…around the octagon. Then, when I have worn him down a little, I will go for the knockout. Seems like that should work. As for training, I am putting in 3-5 hours a week at the House of Pain Gym, in West Palm Beach. I try to go most evenings after work for about an hour, if I’m not too tired. But, of course, never on Friday, because that is the Sabbath. I bring The Captain, and he puts me through my paces – usually about 10 minutes of stretching, then a good 25 minutes of cardio, followed by some super-intense Pilates. We try to stay away from the weights – don’t want to get too muscle-bound. Had my first sparring match last week – The Captain kept screaming at me to “use the Arm Bar,” but I didn’t know what that was, so it was super-distracting, and eventually the girl choked me out. That was just my first fight, though, so I'm not discouraged...
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Another tough game Thursday vs. Orlando, then a huge showdown Saturday against co-playoff aspirant Charlotte.
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Sunday, March 14, 2010
Heat 104 Sixers 91
6 Thoughts
1) Standard-issue home win for Miami against mediocre-to-poor Philadelphia. That's six in a row at home for Miami, now 35-32 overall, and a three game lead on Chicago, who now sits in ninth, out of the playoffs. It warrants mentioning that in the last eight games of the season, Philadelphia is the best team, record-wise, that Miami will play. Tough week ahead: San Antonio, Orlando, Charlotte - just have to keep plugging away.
2) Best player in the game: Dwyane Wade, easily. Had 38 points, 5 rebounds, and 5 steals. There is nothing wrong with the Sixers supporting cast: Iguodala, Dalembert, Lou Williams, and Thaddeus Young are all contributors, and Jrue Holliday looks like a promising rookie. The problem is, there is no one for them to support - in games like this one, Miami, whose supporting cast is arguably less skilled than that group, has Dwyane Wade, and that often is enough...
3) Most interesting thing that happened: Early in the third quarter Jermaine O'Neal got an offensive rebound, turned to the rim, and got popped in the face by a lunging Elton Brand (more on him at #4). Stood Jermaino up - a foul was called. Miami called a timeout while Jermaino ambled over to the sideline to have the trainers look at him. Seemed okay - to be honest, it almost seemed like he milked it a little, when he was late coming back on the court, holding everyone up so that the trainer could get one more look at him. I mean, do I think it hurt? Yes. But you just got whacked in the face - butch up a little, Jermaino. It didn't seem like that big a deal...Except, you know who it was a big deal to? Jermaino! Uh-oh, here comes "Tilt Jermaino!" So Jermaino shoots his two free throws, and is running back downcourt next to Samuel Dalembert. Jermaino put his arm out in front of Dalembert, who smacked it away. Jermaino, I guess still angry from the face-whack, got right in to Dalembert's face, who put his hands in Jermaino's chest to stop his advance. Whereupon Jermaino raised one of his hands and, as correctly described by M.Minutos, "smushed" Dalembert in the face. He didn't punch him, or push him, really, just "smushed" him up high. Overreacting referee Bob Delaney instantly sprinted in to the fray and ejected Jermaino. It seemed like a quick ejection, but in a previous career Delaney famously did undercover po-lice work infiltrating the mob, so, one, he knows how these things can escalate; and, two, he's a po-lice, so he really doesn't care about doing what's right, or fair, or sensible. You might say to me, "that was the most interesting thing that happened in the game?" And I would answer you, "yes, pretty much."
4) The NBA can be a super-cruel place at times. If you can't play, you get exposed. Period. There is nowhere to hide out there. Elton Brand, who was the number one overall draft pick coming out of Duke in 1999, is only 31 years old. He has had a productive, if slightly underachiving career, with little team success. Two years ago, he blew out an achilles tendon and missed the entire year, then missed most of last year with an injured shoulder. He is never going to be productive again - he was undersized to begin with, and now he is overweight, slow, and has absolutely no explosion off the floor. We have been looking for frontcourt guys that Jamal Magloire can outquick all season - we just found one. Brand's game now consists of the occasional fifteen foot jump shot, which he shoots with below average success; random attempts to bull his way to the basket by lowering his shoulder, bumping guys out of the way, and then arm-barring them off to be able to create space for a shot; and pushing guys in the back, or, alternatively, smacking them inadvertently in the face because he is too awkward and too slow to do anything else (see above). His spinning, second quarter foray into the lane, where he tried to shoot a twelve foot fallaway over similarly undersized Udonis Haslem, but ended up somehow drilling an awkward line drive off the bottom of the rim as he fell backwards, was one of the singularly bad - and, worse, sad - plays of the season. He ended up with 8 points on 3-10 shooting in 30 minutes, and is an absolute minus defensively - can't move quick enough to help, can't jump high enough to contest shots. This was a good, good NBA player. And he is a young man. Just a cruel, cruel place...
5) One of the favorite traditions in Casa Dos occurs every game just before tip-off, when Sunsports shows the names of the three referees for the night's game. I see the list and say, "oh, no..." Occasionally add, "Welcome to the suck," which is a Jake Gyllenhaal line from Jarhead. Tonight, sans Jarhead/suck line, M.Minutos laughed, as she always does, and asked if there has ever been a game where Sunsports showed the list of referees and I was happy? Oh, no...
6) I don't have any jokes, or made-up stories, or anything for tonight's game. I thought about listing the five best U2 songs, but we have a lot of younger readers, and they probably don't even know who that is. I don't even like them that much (but, by the way, their best song is "Runnning to Stand Still;" also, underrated, "Lemon"). But I do have something I would like to say: late in the second half, as we were tivo-ing through the commercials, I am almost positive I saw Dick Vitale in a Hooter's ad. I didn't go back, because if Dick Vitale is in a Hooter's ad, I don't even think we are going to make it to 2012. I mean, honestly - what the f--- is wrong with Dick Vitale, or Hooters, or any of us, really? What the f--- is wrong with America? This is more than just why the terrorists hate us; stuff like this is why people even become terrorists in the first place, just to try to harm us for putting ridiculous crud like this out in the world. For real: if you actually saw Dick Vitale in a Hooters, on a "creepy scale" of 1-100, where 1 is a young family taking a walk in the park on a beautiful day (not creepy at all), and 100 is...no, that's it...100 is Dick Vitale in a Hooter's! We did it, we reached the pinnacle! Goodnight, America!
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Tuesday against the Spurs - haven't seen them since New Year's Eve, and, honestly, that game was pretty much a drunken, tivo-ed blur...
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1) Standard-issue home win for Miami against mediocre-to-poor Philadelphia. That's six in a row at home for Miami, now 35-32 overall, and a three game lead on Chicago, who now sits in ninth, out of the playoffs. It warrants mentioning that in the last eight games of the season, Philadelphia is the best team, record-wise, that Miami will play. Tough week ahead: San Antonio, Orlando, Charlotte - just have to keep plugging away.
2) Best player in the game: Dwyane Wade, easily. Had 38 points, 5 rebounds, and 5 steals. There is nothing wrong with the Sixers supporting cast: Iguodala, Dalembert, Lou Williams, and Thaddeus Young are all contributors, and Jrue Holliday looks like a promising rookie. The problem is, there is no one for them to support - in games like this one, Miami, whose supporting cast is arguably less skilled than that group, has Dwyane Wade, and that often is enough...
3) Most interesting thing that happened: Early in the third quarter Jermaine O'Neal got an offensive rebound, turned to the rim, and got popped in the face by a lunging Elton Brand (more on him at #4). Stood Jermaino up - a foul was called. Miami called a timeout while Jermaino ambled over to the sideline to have the trainers look at him. Seemed okay - to be honest, it almost seemed like he milked it a little, when he was late coming back on the court, holding everyone up so that the trainer could get one more look at him. I mean, do I think it hurt? Yes. But you just got whacked in the face - butch up a little, Jermaino. It didn't seem like that big a deal...Except, you know who it was a big deal to? Jermaino! Uh-oh, here comes "Tilt Jermaino!" So Jermaino shoots his two free throws, and is running back downcourt next to Samuel Dalembert. Jermaino put his arm out in front of Dalembert, who smacked it away. Jermaino, I guess still angry from the face-whack, got right in to Dalembert's face, who put his hands in Jermaino's chest to stop his advance. Whereupon Jermaino raised one of his hands and, as correctly described by M.Minutos, "smushed" Dalembert in the face. He didn't punch him, or push him, really, just "smushed" him up high. Overreacting referee Bob Delaney instantly sprinted in to the fray and ejected Jermaino. It seemed like a quick ejection, but in a previous career Delaney famously did undercover po-lice work infiltrating the mob, so, one, he knows how these things can escalate; and, two, he's a po-lice, so he really doesn't care about doing what's right, or fair, or sensible. You might say to me, "that was the most interesting thing that happened in the game?" And I would answer you, "yes, pretty much."
4) The NBA can be a super-cruel place at times. If you can't play, you get exposed. Period. There is nowhere to hide out there. Elton Brand, who was the number one overall draft pick coming out of Duke in 1999, is only 31 years old. He has had a productive, if slightly underachiving career, with little team success. Two years ago, he blew out an achilles tendon and missed the entire year, then missed most of last year with an injured shoulder. He is never going to be productive again - he was undersized to begin with, and now he is overweight, slow, and has absolutely no explosion off the floor. We have been looking for frontcourt guys that Jamal Magloire can outquick all season - we just found one. Brand's game now consists of the occasional fifteen foot jump shot, which he shoots with below average success; random attempts to bull his way to the basket by lowering his shoulder, bumping guys out of the way, and then arm-barring them off to be able to create space for a shot; and pushing guys in the back, or, alternatively, smacking them inadvertently in the face because he is too awkward and too slow to do anything else (see above). His spinning, second quarter foray into the lane, where he tried to shoot a twelve foot fallaway over similarly undersized Udonis Haslem, but ended up somehow drilling an awkward line drive off the bottom of the rim as he fell backwards, was one of the singularly bad - and, worse, sad - plays of the season. He ended up with 8 points on 3-10 shooting in 30 minutes, and is an absolute minus defensively - can't move quick enough to help, can't jump high enough to contest shots. This was a good, good NBA player. And he is a young man. Just a cruel, cruel place...
5) One of the favorite traditions in Casa Dos occurs every game just before tip-off, when Sunsports shows the names of the three referees for the night's game. I see the list and say, "oh, no..." Occasionally add, "Welcome to the suck," which is a Jake Gyllenhaal line from Jarhead. Tonight, sans Jarhead/suck line, M.Minutos laughed, as she always does, and asked if there has ever been a game where Sunsports showed the list of referees and I was happy? Oh, no...
6) I don't have any jokes, or made-up stories, or anything for tonight's game. I thought about listing the five best U2 songs, but we have a lot of younger readers, and they probably don't even know who that is. I don't even like them that much (but, by the way, their best song is "Runnning to Stand Still;" also, underrated, "Lemon"). But I do have something I would like to say: late in the second half, as we were tivo-ing through the commercials, I am almost positive I saw Dick Vitale in a Hooter's ad. I didn't go back, because if Dick Vitale is in a Hooter's ad, I don't even think we are going to make it to 2012. I mean, honestly - what the f--- is wrong with Dick Vitale, or Hooters, or any of us, really? What the f--- is wrong with America? This is more than just why the terrorists hate us; stuff like this is why people even become terrorists in the first place, just to try to harm us for putting ridiculous crud like this out in the world. For real: if you actually saw Dick Vitale in a Hooters, on a "creepy scale" of 1-100, where 1 is a young family taking a walk in the park on a beautiful day (not creepy at all), and 100 is...no, that's it...100 is Dick Vitale in a Hooter's! We did it, we reached the pinnacle! Goodnight, America!
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Tuesday against the Spurs - haven't seen them since New Year's Eve, and, honestly, that game was pretty much a drunken, tivo-ed blur...
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Friday, March 12, 2010
Heat 108 Bulls 95
6 Thoughts
1) That is 100 straight games for Dos Minutos - 100 straight, boy! I want to thank my man B.I., up in Heaven, lookin' down; I want to thank my man Al Gore for inventing Tivo; I want to thank my wife, M.Minutos, for having babies, so I can't go anywhere and am always home; but most of all, I want to thank my man Quentin Richardson for making game #100 a win. QRich did what QRich does. And, yes, I may have been drinking...
2) Please QRich, don't hurt 'em! Seven more triples for The President tonight, on eleven tries. Q is 25-50 on threes for March - that's the most triples in the league so far this month. Shooting 39% overall on the year on threes - that's very solid, more than a pleasant surprise, and he has been a rousing success most of the season. Blowing the smoke away from the barrel after each of his 4 first quarter threes, and hitting the biggest shot of the game, a pump-fake, okey-doke, step-to-the-side-and-drop-it three with 5 minutes to go when a depleted Bulls squad had cut it to 7. Ball game. Just another good, good night in a season filled with them for PresQ. In fact, you could make the case that, grading on a curve for ability, Q has had the best season of any Heat player. Just been there with focused effort, night after night after night - even Dwyane Wade can't say that.
3) Beyond that, Quentin produced the second funniest moment of the night. Jermaine O'Neal, who was outstanding with 25 points, has a hitch in his free throw motion which often causes opposing players to fall in to the lane too soon - which (explanation for Thor) results in Jermaino shooting the free throw again if he misses (assuming the ref calls the violation, which happens about once every fifteen times). For some reason, tonight Q decided that every time Jermaino shot a free throw, he was going to stand at his spot on the block, not contest the rebound, point at the Bull player inside of him, and scream "he's early!" On approximately his seventh try, which actually included a half-body turn towards the official to make sure he was heard, it worked and Jermaino shot an extra free throw, which he made. Questionable whether any Bull was ever in the lane early all night; arguable that the refs just got tired of Quentin shrieking at them.
4) The funniest moment of the night? It was Mike Beasley. Isn't it always Mike Beasley? And he wasn't even playing...Mid-second quarter, Bulls forward Hakim Warrick doggedly pursued a rebound heading toward the Heat bench while his teammates watched in horror and amazement, since no Bull had touched the ball and they were going to obtain possession, a circumstance that Hakim Warrick, alone out of eighteen thousand people in the AAA, didn't realize. As he made a final lunge at the ball, reaching it just in time to swipe it further out of bounds, allowing the Heat to retain possession, he landed right on the sneakered toe of Mr. Jim Buckets. Warrick got up and sheepishly walked back to his defensive assignment as his Bulls teammates looked at him with exasperation. Beasley, out tonight with contusion-like symptoms on his thigh, recoiled and grabbed at his foot, while Dwyane Wade, resting in the seat beside him, tried to imagine he was a million miles away...or, at least playing on the Knicks with LeBron. Beas eventually removed his sneaker and massaged his toe. Generally appeared okay. The incident was made thirty percent funnier by the fact that SuperCool was wearing an epauletted jacket from the House of Jermaino...
5) In honor of my 100th straight game, M.Minutos presented me with a Red Velvet cupcake before the game from...can't remember the name - the cupcake shop down Congress a ways, just north of Boynton Beach Boulevard, you know, on the east side. Brought a tear to my eye, and a sweetness to my tongue. That M.Minutos is a peach of a gal.
6) Okay, so a lot of people probably don't know - I promise, promise this is not a joke - but Quentin Richardson was engaged to the R & B singer Brandy in the mid-00s for a while. She used to be at his games when he was on Phoenix, and when he first got to the Knicks. People know who Brandy is, right? This is her with QRich - not too sure where they are doing here, maybe watching an Erykah Badu concert:
Now you remember, right? She had a sitcom named "Moesha" in the late 90s? A show about a young black ingenue just getting in touch with her womanhood as she blossomed in to- well, whatever, you know who she is...
What people don't know is that she had this reality show about her in between the time her sitcom ended, and her engagement to Quentin. It basically followed her around, the usual thing, except she was pregnant by this music producer named Robert, who was kind of a slow-talking, slow-moving, chunky dude, who didn't honestly seem to be much of a boyfriend or potential father.
Anyways, they split up after Brandy had the baby, obviously, since she got with The Pres. Robert moved to Miami, right around the same time M.Minutos and I did. Which, of course, was about the same time I was still trying to make it in the music business. A lot of people are always like, "oh, white Miami guys - right, there's Scott Storch, right," but I was doing it a little before he was, though, obviously, he was a lot more successful than I was ultimately. So one night I met Robert at Stephen Talkhouse, this club in South Beach which doesn't exist anymore, watching a hip-hoppish type, De La Soul kind of thing, and we sort of hit it off. I had seen him on Brandy's show, but in person I never really put two and two together - plus I was crazy stinky on E.
So he is telling me he is a music producer, and I am like, Whatever - mostly I just wanted to dance and touch booties, because I was stinky on E - but he convinced me to go to this little studio where he was working on tracks, and so we go there and he plays me this track, and I'm like, Fuck, that's a hit! And he's like, I know, but I don't have no singer (that's how he talked), just a Jamaican guy kind rapping over it in his patoi, and I'm like, Just get any girl, and he's like, No, I want another dude, and I'm like, Why do you want a duet with two dudes, and he's like, I just do...So, of course, I had gone to Boston College, and I'm like, Okay - Fuck, Dude - I know Johnny Gill, and he would totally do it, he is somewhat gay-ish!, which he did. So that is the story of how QRich's ex's ex and I produced "Slow and Sexy," by Shabba Ranks and Johnny Gill. Still getting residual checks for it, but, honestly, radio stations don't play that song nearly as often as they should...
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Sunday night - Sixers. Also, I will tell the story about how I recommended James Iha to Billy Corgan for The Smashing Pumpkins, which is a far, far less successful story...
-----
1) That is 100 straight games for Dos Minutos - 100 straight, boy! I want to thank my man B.I., up in Heaven, lookin' down; I want to thank my man Al Gore for inventing Tivo; I want to thank my wife, M.Minutos, for having babies, so I can't go anywhere and am always home; but most of all, I want to thank my man Quentin Richardson for making game #100 a win. QRich did what QRich does. And, yes, I may have been drinking...
2) Please QRich, don't hurt 'em! Seven more triples for The President tonight, on eleven tries. Q is 25-50 on threes for March - that's the most triples in the league so far this month. Shooting 39% overall on the year on threes - that's very solid, more than a pleasant surprise, and he has been a rousing success most of the season. Blowing the smoke away from the barrel after each of his 4 first quarter threes, and hitting the biggest shot of the game, a pump-fake, okey-doke, step-to-the-side-and-drop-it three with 5 minutes to go when a depleted Bulls squad had cut it to 7. Ball game. Just another good, good night in a season filled with them for PresQ. In fact, you could make the case that, grading on a curve for ability, Q has had the best season of any Heat player. Just been there with focused effort, night after night after night - even Dwyane Wade can't say that.
3) Beyond that, Quentin produced the second funniest moment of the night. Jermaine O'Neal, who was outstanding with 25 points, has a hitch in his free throw motion which often causes opposing players to fall in to the lane too soon - which (explanation for Thor) results in Jermaino shooting the free throw again if he misses (assuming the ref calls the violation, which happens about once every fifteen times). For some reason, tonight Q decided that every time Jermaino shot a free throw, he was going to stand at his spot on the block, not contest the rebound, point at the Bull player inside of him, and scream "he's early!" On approximately his seventh try, which actually included a half-body turn towards the official to make sure he was heard, it worked and Jermaino shot an extra free throw, which he made. Questionable whether any Bull was ever in the lane early all night; arguable that the refs just got tired of Quentin shrieking at them.
4) The funniest moment of the night? It was Mike Beasley. Isn't it always Mike Beasley? And he wasn't even playing...Mid-second quarter, Bulls forward Hakim Warrick doggedly pursued a rebound heading toward the Heat bench while his teammates watched in horror and amazement, since no Bull had touched the ball and they were going to obtain possession, a circumstance that Hakim Warrick, alone out of eighteen thousand people in the AAA, didn't realize. As he made a final lunge at the ball, reaching it just in time to swipe it further out of bounds, allowing the Heat to retain possession, he landed right on the sneakered toe of Mr. Jim Buckets. Warrick got up and sheepishly walked back to his defensive assignment as his Bulls teammates looked at him with exasperation. Beasley, out tonight with contusion-like symptoms on his thigh, recoiled and grabbed at his foot, while Dwyane Wade, resting in the seat beside him, tried to imagine he was a million miles away...or, at least playing on the Knicks with LeBron. Beas eventually removed his sneaker and massaged his toe. Generally appeared okay. The incident was made thirty percent funnier by the fact that SuperCool was wearing an epauletted jacket from the House of Jermaino...
5) In honor of my 100th straight game, M.Minutos presented me with a Red Velvet cupcake before the game from...can't remember the name - the cupcake shop down Congress a ways, just north of Boynton Beach Boulevard, you know, on the east side. Brought a tear to my eye, and a sweetness to my tongue. That M.Minutos is a peach of a gal.
6) Okay, so a lot of people probably don't know - I promise, promise this is not a joke - but Quentin Richardson was engaged to the R & B singer Brandy in the mid-00s for a while. She used to be at his games when he was on Phoenix, and when he first got to the Knicks. People know who Brandy is, right? This is her with QRich - not too sure where they are doing here, maybe watching an Erykah Badu concert:
Now you remember, right? She had a sitcom named "Moesha" in the late 90s? A show about a young black ingenue just getting in touch with her womanhood as she blossomed in to- well, whatever, you know who she is...
What people don't know is that she had this reality show about her in between the time her sitcom ended, and her engagement to Quentin. It basically followed her around, the usual thing, except she was pregnant by this music producer named Robert, who was kind of a slow-talking, slow-moving, chunky dude, who didn't honestly seem to be much of a boyfriend or potential father.
Anyways, they split up after Brandy had the baby, obviously, since she got with The Pres. Robert moved to Miami, right around the same time M.Minutos and I did. Which, of course, was about the same time I was still trying to make it in the music business. A lot of people are always like, "oh, white Miami guys - right, there's Scott Storch, right," but I was doing it a little before he was, though, obviously, he was a lot more successful than I was ultimately. So one night I met Robert at Stephen Talkhouse, this club in South Beach which doesn't exist anymore, watching a hip-hoppish type, De La Soul kind of thing, and we sort of hit it off. I had seen him on Brandy's show, but in person I never really put two and two together - plus I was crazy stinky on E.
So he is telling me he is a music producer, and I am like, Whatever - mostly I just wanted to dance and touch booties, because I was stinky on E - but he convinced me to go to this little studio where he was working on tracks, and so we go there and he plays me this track, and I'm like, Fuck, that's a hit! And he's like, I know, but I don't have no singer (that's how he talked), just a Jamaican guy kind rapping over it in his patoi, and I'm like, Just get any girl, and he's like, No, I want another dude, and I'm like, Why do you want a duet with two dudes, and he's like, I just do...So, of course, I had gone to Boston College, and I'm like, Okay - Fuck, Dude - I know Johnny Gill, and he would totally do it, he is somewhat gay-ish!, which he did. So that is the story of how QRich's ex's ex and I produced "Slow and Sexy," by Shabba Ranks and Johnny Gill. Still getting residual checks for it, but, honestly, radio stations don't play that song nearly as often as they should...
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Sunday night - Sixers. Also, I will tell the story about how I recommended James Iha to Billy Corgan for The Smashing Pumpkins, which is a far, far less successful story...
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Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Heat 108 Clippers 97
6 Thoughts
1) Good evening. And, to our foreign readers, "g'day, mates!" Last night we had a little problem with the officiating in Charlotte, but tonight Miami shot 35 free throws to the Clippers 13 - heck, Dwyane Wade shot 17 all by himself. The Heat won easily, clinging to a playoff spot at 33-32. Now that's how we like to get down!
2) Now, sixty games into the season, Coach Eric Spoelstra has decided to remove backups Daequan Cook and Joel Anthony from the rotation, and replace them with James Jones and The Big Cat, Jamal Magloire. As play-by-player Eric Reid loves to point out, those two - at least tonight - displayed their "staying-readiness." Jones, fresh off of cooking chicken and shrimp burritos for a halftime segment last week, dropped 3 triples in 16 minutes, and Cat had 6 points, 9 rebounds, and 3 blocks in only 18 minutes. It was his best game of the year - he was a presence inside, throwing his elbows around with abandon. Subsequently made an appearance in the Sunsport Lounge with Jax, where it sounded like he was advocating intentional decapitation for anyone that ventures near him while is claiming rebounds - you don't need to tell that to Mario Chalmers who was nearly killed by Cat on a second quarter attempt to track down a loose shot. I don't know if Miami is going to make the playoffs, but I know if we keep playing Cat Magloire down the stretch, someone is going to get hurt, and it probably isn't Cat Magloire...
3) I can't be positive, but it looked like, for three and a half quarters, Clipper point guard and "leader" Baron Davis was willfully trying not to shoot the ball. Davis is an incredibly talented combination of quickness, strength, and ballhandling ability, and while he is not a consistent shooter, he is usually a volume shooter. Tonight, he mostly bounced the ball aimlessly around on the perimeter, and only a flurry of late shots after the game was decided brought his total of attempts to 11 - and only 1 free throw. He was held out of the starting lineup in the previous night's ball game for missing shoot-around earlier in the day. Maybe this was his retaliation, or maybe he is just getting old and can't bring it back-to-back anymore. It has been a curious career for Baron, marked with considerable inconsistency - this was just one more odd stop along the road...
4) Clipper coach Mike Dunleavy resigned his coaching duties recently to concentrate solely on his other job within the organization, being the General Manager. Guess he should have held on to the coaching gig, because yesterday he got fired as G.M. Whoops! Whatever - it is the worst franchise in sports over the last three decades - is there even another candidate? Eric Reid and Tony Fiorentino talked about the transition that interim coach Kim Hughes has had to make since moving up from his assistant role to replace Dunleavy. "It's a lot different," Tony told Eric, "as a head coach, you have a lot more doodies." Wait - what? Oh, oh - duties...By the way, I'm not positive, but isn't "Kim" a girl's name?
5) Great idea from M.Minutos tonight: she has requested an "all Quentin Richardson" blog one game. The Pres dropped two more triples tonight - still workin' - and he is more popular nowhere in the land than in Casa Minutos. So, I think that's coming. Just be aware.
6) "Hey, Ben - Roethlisberger - it's me, Tiger...Yeah, what the hell is with all the freaky crap? Can't you keep it in your pants?"
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Friday night: huge, huge game against the Chicago Bulls - and, by the way, I don't want to get anyone all excited, but it will the 100th straight Heat game I will have watched in its entirety. I mean, if I live that long. See you then - maybe...
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1) Good evening. And, to our foreign readers, "g'day, mates!" Last night we had a little problem with the officiating in Charlotte, but tonight Miami shot 35 free throws to the Clippers 13 - heck, Dwyane Wade shot 17 all by himself. The Heat won easily, clinging to a playoff spot at 33-32. Now that's how we like to get down!
2) Now, sixty games into the season, Coach Eric Spoelstra has decided to remove backups Daequan Cook and Joel Anthony from the rotation, and replace them with James Jones and The Big Cat, Jamal Magloire. As play-by-player Eric Reid loves to point out, those two - at least tonight - displayed their "staying-readiness." Jones, fresh off of cooking chicken and shrimp burritos for a halftime segment last week, dropped 3 triples in 16 minutes, and Cat had 6 points, 9 rebounds, and 3 blocks in only 18 minutes. It was his best game of the year - he was a presence inside, throwing his elbows around with abandon. Subsequently made an appearance in the Sunsport Lounge with Jax, where it sounded like he was advocating intentional decapitation for anyone that ventures near him while is claiming rebounds - you don't need to tell that to Mario Chalmers who was nearly killed by Cat on a second quarter attempt to track down a loose shot. I don't know if Miami is going to make the playoffs, but I know if we keep playing Cat Magloire down the stretch, someone is going to get hurt, and it probably isn't Cat Magloire...
3) I can't be positive, but it looked like, for three and a half quarters, Clipper point guard and "leader" Baron Davis was willfully trying not to shoot the ball. Davis is an incredibly talented combination of quickness, strength, and ballhandling ability, and while he is not a consistent shooter, he is usually a volume shooter. Tonight, he mostly bounced the ball aimlessly around on the perimeter, and only a flurry of late shots after the game was decided brought his total of attempts to 11 - and only 1 free throw. He was held out of the starting lineup in the previous night's ball game for missing shoot-around earlier in the day. Maybe this was his retaliation, or maybe he is just getting old and can't bring it back-to-back anymore. It has been a curious career for Baron, marked with considerable inconsistency - this was just one more odd stop along the road...
4) Clipper coach Mike Dunleavy resigned his coaching duties recently to concentrate solely on his other job within the organization, being the General Manager. Guess he should have held on to the coaching gig, because yesterday he got fired as G.M. Whoops! Whatever - it is the worst franchise in sports over the last three decades - is there even another candidate? Eric Reid and Tony Fiorentino talked about the transition that interim coach Kim Hughes has had to make since moving up from his assistant role to replace Dunleavy. "It's a lot different," Tony told Eric, "as a head coach, you have a lot more doodies." Wait - what? Oh, oh - duties...By the way, I'm not positive, but isn't "Kim" a girl's name?
5) Great idea from M.Minutos tonight: she has requested an "all Quentin Richardson" blog one game. The Pres dropped two more triples tonight - still workin' - and he is more popular nowhere in the land than in Casa Minutos. So, I think that's coming. Just be aware.
6) "Hey, Ben - Roethlisberger - it's me, Tiger...Yeah, what the hell is with all the freaky crap? Can't you keep it in your pants?"
-----
Friday night: huge, huge game against the Chicago Bulls - and, by the way, I don't want to get anyone all excited, but it will the 100th straight Heat game I will have watched in its entirety. I mean, if I live that long. See you then - maybe...
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Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Bobcats 83 Heat 78
6 Thoughts
1) Three or four games a year, you feel like you didn't have a fair chance to win because the referees had a bad night. This was one of those nights. If I showed you a tape of the game, with the foul calls taken out, you would have assumed Miami shot a bunch more free throws, and won the game handily. In real life, the Bobcats shot 30, Miami shot 16, Charlotte backup point guard DJ Augustin out free throw attempted Dwyane Wade 6-4, and Charlotte squeaked by with a huge home win in a battle for the final playoff spot for the East. Miami was fuming - when they missed a short jumper down two, with about 12 seconds to go, Quentin Richardson instantly grabbed Augustin to stop the clock and send him to the line, and inexplicably referee Danny Crawford, standing two feet away, brain froze and didn't call a foul, even though all ten players on the court essentially had stopped playing. I mean, that play happens every game, three times a game - Danny Crawford blowing that call is a total dereliction of his duty. There is no excuse for it - you just messed up. It's not competent. By the time Miami realized he hadn't blown his whistle and fouled again, 6 more seconds had elapsed. That cost them one extra possession in the game. Probably didn't cost them the game - but, somehow, as Wade and Richardson argued to Crawford on the way up the court, he took offense and yelled at them. I've never understood why refs do this. Obviously Crawford felt bad - he knew he messed up, and I am sure he wished he did call the first foul on Quentin Richardson when he should have. I can't believe that if he looked at Wade and QRich on the way up the court, and said, "you know what - I'm sorry, I missed the play," that's not a better solution than escalating the situation by yelling at the guys. They didn't mess up; you messed up. Jesus, use your brain and try some diplomacy. NBA referees are brutal, generally-speaking. They seem bent on making their jobs harder than they ought to be...
2) Just to reset - damaging loss. Minds were fairly right, the Heat played hard, just couldn't get a call. Having said that, Miami is now tied with Charlotte for the final playoff spot, pending the outcome of Chicago's game against Utah. Worse, Miami can't win a tiebreaker against Charlotte because they are 0-3 against them, with one left to play. 32-32 - eighteen games left. 43 wins is the goal...
3) Michael Jordan recently bought the Bobcats from BET owner Robert Johnson. On the one hand, this is a positive because Johnson seemed like one of the stingiest owners in the league - not fun to have teams that aren't even trying to compete around. On the other hand, Jordan has, thus far, proved to be awful at running basketball teams. Was terrible as the first player/general manager in history on the Bullets - in both roles - and has been terrible as the president of the Bobcats thus far. The dude has drafted both Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison in the top five of drafts, traded Richard Hamilton for Jerry Stackhouse, and Emeka Okafor for barely ambulatory Tyson Chandler. Isn't it time for him to butt out? As much as he may think the league can't go on without him, it can. Do I sound bitter? He's my least-favorite basketball player of all-time - after Richard Jefferson, and Brandon Roy, of course. He is the best player I ever saw, too - just hard to root for a guy whose personality is such a turnoff. LeBron James recently said he is giving up #23 and switching to #6 next year, to honor Jordan by vacating his number, and to try to be more like Mario Chalmers. If it were me, I'd change too, but I'd do it during a game by ripping off the #23, throwing it down at mid-court, dropping my trousers, and taking a dump on it. You know what? I think I am kind of tired, and in a bad mood...
4) Nothing even really happened in the game, I've got no other points to make. It was incredibly slow-paced, and Charlotte shot like 20 fourth quarter free throws to 2 for Miami. That's not funny. It was the least funny game of the year - nothing even happened. There's nothing even to say about that. Thank God I'm not Jax and have to run a postgame show. I think I'd just leave, and let Gerald Wallace stand there and interview himself. Or, let Danny Crawford interview him - he seems to want to run things his way anyhow. Everyone was mediocre, on both teams, except in the fourth quarter, when there wasn't even any basketball played, just a series of free throws at one end of the court. I'm turning it over to The Captain at #5, regrouping, and coming back with a Corey Booker impression at #6 - that will be a first!
5) We had a post a while back where we listed our five greatest "white dude" songs, and, of course, we got into a big argument with The Captain over it. Here is his rejoinder. By the way, if there are any Yes songs on the list, I am going to complain to Danny Crawford:
"OK, now that I have had some time to recover from seeing that picture of Shaquille O' Neal in tights and a pink Speedo, I am ready to give you the real greatest songs of all time. My advanced years and unparalleled whiteness give me the right and possibly more insight than a young whippersnapper like Dos.
Without further ado-whack-a-do:
#5. Shadow of the Sun by Audioslave. Chris Cornell and Tom Morello at their best. Oh and by the way, white guys really like guitars.
#4. Siberian Khatru by Yes. No band can blend so many appealing sounds into one song and get away with it. And oh yeah, the guitars.
#3. Deacon Blues by Steely Dan. Becker and Fagan. Roll a fatty, sit back and enjoy some of the finest musicianship this side W.A. Mozart.
#2. A Day in the Life by The Beatles. The greatest song writing duo ever at the height of their careers. They could create a mood that would become part of your soul. And yes it is ok to incorporate symphonic instruments into rock music. Lennon and Mc Cartney invented it. Other artists have been tinkering with it ever since without being able to improve it. Don't even bother boys.
And now the moment you have all been waiting for.
#1.Whole Lot of Love by, you know, the greatest rock band of all time. The definitive white guy guitar song of it's time and likely ever since. Led Zeppelin constantly reminded white guys of the late 60s and early 70s how important it is to take some time out of each day to slam your head against the wall. It doesn't hurt. Trust me. But sometimes it can make you repeat yourself. But it doesn't hurt. Trust me."
6) Does anyone here know who Corey Booker is? The almost-unbelievably positive mayor of Newark? Here is his website http://www.corybooker.com/. He is a gifted communicator who one day is either going to be president, or be involved in a a sordid, sordid double murder. There is no possible in-between scenario. Well, at Casa Dos we've been working on a Corey Booker impression. Here is Corey Booker on the Heat point guard situation:
"The Heat point guard situation is certainly challenging, but at the same time, it presents an incredible opportunity for positive change! When Coach Spoelstra - whom I know only from afar, but who appears to be doing an incredible job of maintaining the culture that was started in the organization by Pat Riley - last week decided to promote Carlos Arroyo to a starting position, incumbent point guard Rafer Alston found that very challenging. That's incredibly understandable. And when Mario Chalmers - who on the surface has had a challenging second season - continued to play the backup minutes, meaning Rafer had more opportunity to study the game from the bench, that presented a special, incredible challenge for Rafer. And I understand that: if I am a fireman and I am trying to put out a fire, I'm not going to be happy if someone takes my hose away from me, I am going to find that challenging. And the Heat organization found it challenging when Rafer stopped showing up for work, and began communicating only by text message, and some people have been disappointed in Rafer for that, but you know what? My parents always taught me that you have embrace new technology, not fear it, and if Rafer feels that the best way to confront his challenge is through text messaging, it is our job - as a community - to embrace that, and seek to deal with it in the best manner possible. We had a similar situation in Newark where we felt like our point guards' assist to turnover ratios were just too low. When I became mayor, our point guards were averaging only one assist for every three and a half turnovers. It was challenging. So what we did was - as a community, because turnovers affect all of us, black, white, Democrat, Republican - what we did was to train inner city, out-of-work indigent gypsies to refurbish former nuclear waste testing sites into NBA Skills Competition obstacle courses which we copied from the NBA's All-Star weekend. This was great, by the way, because that is a sustainable skill - those gypsies can now task out to other inner city areas across the nation and the world where there are former nuclear waste testing sites and turn them into NBA Skills Competition obstacle courses...Then we gathered all our point guards and gave them school credit for time spent on the obstacle courses, improving their skills, which also had the ancillary benefit of reducing the teacher-student ratios in the classes for the other kids while the point guards were out on the obstacle courses. What we found was, in six days, the point guards had gone from one assist to every three and a half turnovers, to nine assists for every one turnover, the non-point guard students benefited from the reduced teacher-student ratio by increasing their SAT scores an average of over two hundred and thirty points during the six days, and we also triggered a federal matching program that allowed us to receive stimulus money to refurbish even more former nuclear waste testing sites - we are working on turning some of them into field goal practice facilities now, because we find that long-range field goal kicking has become a challenge in our city. So I would challenge the entire Heat organization to look for creative solutions to their challenges at point guard, as we did in Newark. Or, alternatively, they could just give the ball to Dwyane Wade and tell everyone else to get the fuck out of his way."
Back tomorrow night against the Clippers. I got invited to the game by my boy Matty, but I have some challenges at home to attend to, so I'm not going. I'll be here for you...
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1) Three or four games a year, you feel like you didn't have a fair chance to win because the referees had a bad night. This was one of those nights. If I showed you a tape of the game, with the foul calls taken out, you would have assumed Miami shot a bunch more free throws, and won the game handily. In real life, the Bobcats shot 30, Miami shot 16, Charlotte backup point guard DJ Augustin out free throw attempted Dwyane Wade 6-4, and Charlotte squeaked by with a huge home win in a battle for the final playoff spot for the East. Miami was fuming - when they missed a short jumper down two, with about 12 seconds to go, Quentin Richardson instantly grabbed Augustin to stop the clock and send him to the line, and inexplicably referee Danny Crawford, standing two feet away, brain froze and didn't call a foul, even though all ten players on the court essentially had stopped playing. I mean, that play happens every game, three times a game - Danny Crawford blowing that call is a total dereliction of his duty. There is no excuse for it - you just messed up. It's not competent. By the time Miami realized he hadn't blown his whistle and fouled again, 6 more seconds had elapsed. That cost them one extra possession in the game. Probably didn't cost them the game - but, somehow, as Wade and Richardson argued to Crawford on the way up the court, he took offense and yelled at them. I've never understood why refs do this. Obviously Crawford felt bad - he knew he messed up, and I am sure he wished he did call the first foul on Quentin Richardson when he should have. I can't believe that if he looked at Wade and QRich on the way up the court, and said, "you know what - I'm sorry, I missed the play," that's not a better solution than escalating the situation by yelling at the guys. They didn't mess up; you messed up. Jesus, use your brain and try some diplomacy. NBA referees are brutal, generally-speaking. They seem bent on making their jobs harder than they ought to be...
2) Just to reset - damaging loss. Minds were fairly right, the Heat played hard, just couldn't get a call. Having said that, Miami is now tied with Charlotte for the final playoff spot, pending the outcome of Chicago's game against Utah. Worse, Miami can't win a tiebreaker against Charlotte because they are 0-3 against them, with one left to play. 32-32 - eighteen games left. 43 wins is the goal...
3) Michael Jordan recently bought the Bobcats from BET owner Robert Johnson. On the one hand, this is a positive because Johnson seemed like one of the stingiest owners in the league - not fun to have teams that aren't even trying to compete around. On the other hand, Jordan has, thus far, proved to be awful at running basketball teams. Was terrible as the first player/general manager in history on the Bullets - in both roles - and has been terrible as the president of the Bobcats thus far. The dude has drafted both Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison in the top five of drafts, traded Richard Hamilton for Jerry Stackhouse, and Emeka Okafor for barely ambulatory Tyson Chandler. Isn't it time for him to butt out? As much as he may think the league can't go on without him, it can. Do I sound bitter? He's my least-favorite basketball player of all-time - after Richard Jefferson, and Brandon Roy, of course. He is the best player I ever saw, too - just hard to root for a guy whose personality is such a turnoff. LeBron James recently said he is giving up #23 and switching to #6 next year, to honor Jordan by vacating his number, and to try to be more like Mario Chalmers. If it were me, I'd change too, but I'd do it during a game by ripping off the #23, throwing it down at mid-court, dropping my trousers, and taking a dump on it. You know what? I think I am kind of tired, and in a bad mood...
4) Nothing even really happened in the game, I've got no other points to make. It was incredibly slow-paced, and Charlotte shot like 20 fourth quarter free throws to 2 for Miami. That's not funny. It was the least funny game of the year - nothing even happened. There's nothing even to say about that. Thank God I'm not Jax and have to run a postgame show. I think I'd just leave, and let Gerald Wallace stand there and interview himself. Or, let Danny Crawford interview him - he seems to want to run things his way anyhow. Everyone was mediocre, on both teams, except in the fourth quarter, when there wasn't even any basketball played, just a series of free throws at one end of the court. I'm turning it over to The Captain at #5, regrouping, and coming back with a Corey Booker impression at #6 - that will be a first!
5) We had a post a while back where we listed our five greatest "white dude" songs, and, of course, we got into a big argument with The Captain over it. Here is his rejoinder. By the way, if there are any Yes songs on the list, I am going to complain to Danny Crawford:
"OK, now that I have had some time to recover from seeing that picture of Shaquille O' Neal in tights and a pink Speedo, I am ready to give you the real greatest songs of all time. My advanced years and unparalleled whiteness give me the right and possibly more insight than a young whippersnapper like Dos.
Without further ado-whack-a-do:
#5. Shadow of the Sun by Audioslave. Chris Cornell and Tom Morello at their best. Oh and by the way, white guys really like guitars.
#4. Siberian Khatru by Yes. No band can blend so many appealing sounds into one song and get away with it. And oh yeah, the guitars.
#3. Deacon Blues by Steely Dan. Becker and Fagan. Roll a fatty, sit back and enjoy some of the finest musicianship this side W.A. Mozart.
#2. A Day in the Life by The Beatles. The greatest song writing duo ever at the height of their careers. They could create a mood that would become part of your soul. And yes it is ok to incorporate symphonic instruments into rock music. Lennon and Mc Cartney invented it. Other artists have been tinkering with it ever since without being able to improve it. Don't even bother boys.
And now the moment you have all been waiting for.
#1.Whole Lot of Love by, you know, the greatest rock band of all time. The definitive white guy guitar song of it's time and likely ever since. Led Zeppelin constantly reminded white guys of the late 60s and early 70s how important it is to take some time out of each day to slam your head against the wall. It doesn't hurt. Trust me. But sometimes it can make you repeat yourself. But it doesn't hurt. Trust me."
6) Does anyone here know who Corey Booker is? The almost-unbelievably positive mayor of Newark? Here is his website http://www.corybooker.com/. He is a gifted communicator who one day is either going to be president, or be involved in a a sordid, sordid double murder. There is no possible in-between scenario. Well, at Casa Dos we've been working on a Corey Booker impression. Here is Corey Booker on the Heat point guard situation:
"The Heat point guard situation is certainly challenging, but at the same time, it presents an incredible opportunity for positive change! When Coach Spoelstra - whom I know only from afar, but who appears to be doing an incredible job of maintaining the culture that was started in the organization by Pat Riley - last week decided to promote Carlos Arroyo to a starting position, incumbent point guard Rafer Alston found that very challenging. That's incredibly understandable. And when Mario Chalmers - who on the surface has had a challenging second season - continued to play the backup minutes, meaning Rafer had more opportunity to study the game from the bench, that presented a special, incredible challenge for Rafer. And I understand that: if I am a fireman and I am trying to put out a fire, I'm not going to be happy if someone takes my hose away from me, I am going to find that challenging. And the Heat organization found it challenging when Rafer stopped showing up for work, and began communicating only by text message, and some people have been disappointed in Rafer for that, but you know what? My parents always taught me that you have embrace new technology, not fear it, and if Rafer feels that the best way to confront his challenge is through text messaging, it is our job - as a community - to embrace that, and seek to deal with it in the best manner possible. We had a similar situation in Newark where we felt like our point guards' assist to turnover ratios were just too low. When I became mayor, our point guards were averaging only one assist for every three and a half turnovers. It was challenging. So what we did was - as a community, because turnovers affect all of us, black, white, Democrat, Republican - what we did was to train inner city, out-of-work indigent gypsies to refurbish former nuclear waste testing sites into NBA Skills Competition obstacle courses which we copied from the NBA's All-Star weekend. This was great, by the way, because that is a sustainable skill - those gypsies can now task out to other inner city areas across the nation and the world where there are former nuclear waste testing sites and turn them into NBA Skills Competition obstacle courses...Then we gathered all our point guards and gave them school credit for time spent on the obstacle courses, improving their skills, which also had the ancillary benefit of reducing the teacher-student ratios in the classes for the other kids while the point guards were out on the obstacle courses. What we found was, in six days, the point guards had gone from one assist to every three and a half turnovers, to nine assists for every one turnover, the non-point guard students benefited from the reduced teacher-student ratio by increasing their SAT scores an average of over two hundred and thirty points during the six days, and we also triggered a federal matching program that allowed us to receive stimulus money to refurbish even more former nuclear waste testing sites - we are working on turning some of them into field goal practice facilities now, because we find that long-range field goal kicking has become a challenge in our city. So I would challenge the entire Heat organization to look for creative solutions to their challenges at point guard, as we did in Newark. Or, alternatively, they could just give the ball to Dwyane Wade and tell everyone else to get the fuck out of his way."
Back tomorrow night against the Clippers. I got invited to the game by my boy Matty, but I have some challenges at home to attend to, so I'm not going. I'll be here for you...
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Saturday, March 6, 2010
Heat 100 Hawks 94
6 Thoughts
1) Look, sometimes a highly touted power forward #2 overall draft pick has a generally erratic beginning to his career, then after 150 or so games, just when you feel like he should be starting to get it, he comes out and plays absolutely awful basketball for two straight weeks. And then maybe, during a nationally televised game on a, say, Thursday night against, maybe, the Lakers, he comes out, is brutal again, and spends most of the night on the bench. And then maybe someone at Casa Dos - it doesn't matter who, really - declares, "I never want to watch him play again...He is dead to me." I mean, it could happen. But what if, say, in the very next game, that oft-maligned power forward shuffles through three quarters with minimal impact, then suddenly EXPLODES down the stretch with 14 points on two triples, an alley oop slam in transition, a tip in, and two huge steals defensively - and he wins the game, a big game, against the Hawks, while you are right in the middle of a playoff drive? What then? I think that if you are the person who claimed that the power forward was dead to him, you take credit for motivating him! Do it, Mike Beasley! By the way, I left out the part where I mixed myself a very strong mojito before the game, drawing a low whistle from M.Minutos, prompting me to look at her and say, "I need this to watch Mike Beasley play..."
2) Mike - his mind, seemingly, got right about two minutes into the fourth quarter. Did he suddenly have an epiphany about playing hard? Did he re-locate his missing swag? "Honestly," he told Jax after the game, "#3 got mad at me and punched me in the chest." Okay! Whatever it takes! Good job, Dwyane!
3) Okay, new movie out tonight: "QRich Doin' Work II...Still Workin'!" Two nights after his 25 point, 7 triple breakout on the Lakers, The Pres dropped 22 on 5 triples against the ATL. Eleven rebounds. Two huge third quarter rebounds and instant homerun connections to DWade, on the heels of two Wade triples, that erased a 12 point Atlanta lead, and got Miami back in it. I've said it before - I was the only one who believed in QRich when they acquired him last summer. Organizations have different cultures and different roles for positions: on Miami, if you can defend the perimeter, and make the open three, you can play small forward for the Heat. Then that's when the movie offers start flowing in...
4) This was Dwyane Wade's week: 35 points, 12 assists, and 6 rebounds against Golden State. 27 points, 14 assists, and 5 rebounds against the Lakers. 38 points, 10 assists, and 4 rebounds against Atlanta. 3-0. One punch to Mike Beasley's chest. If these are Dwyane's last few weeks in Miami, he's putting on a good show to remember him by.
5) James Jones and Jax made burritos at halftime in the new segment "Recipes for Success." During the piece, James became the first Heat player ever to use the word "affinity" - correctly, by the way - in any segment whatsoever, pregame, postgame, or halftime. Further, the spicy chicken and shrimp burritos did look very tasty - James looks like he knows what he is doing in the kitchen, and M.Minutos and I both agreed that we would eat food that James cooked. The player we would least want preparing a meal for us? By unanimous vote: Dorell Wright. I'd just feel fortunate if he didn't set the kitchen on fire...
6) If you have been near a television over the last couple weeks, you've been bombarded with commercials for the new Gerard Butler-Jennifer Aniston movie called...I don't know what it is called actually - "Uh-oh?" "Career Killer?" Not sure. First of all, why is Gerard Butler doing an American accent that sounds li...never mind. We're turning this over to Scott. He's from Scotland, just like Butler, we just hung out with him on his trip to the States, and he never once used a bizarrely odd sounding American accent, or did anything else that gave me the chills that kind of rhyme with "juice." Scott emailed me to alert me to stay away from movie theaters: "I forgot to bring up, which I am sure you're aware of, that another Gerard Butler vehicle looms. The vehicle I would like to see him in is a hearse." Okay, I just checked it out - it's called "The Bounty Hunter," and it opens March 19th. So if I stay away from the movie theater until, say, about March 20th, I should be in the clear, right? The 21st, maybe, just to play it safe? We'll see...
19 games left, got to get it to about 11-8 to feel pretty good about playoff chances - huge game Tuesday against co-playoff aspirant Charlotte. See you then. Leave your tv off just so you don't have to see the Butler ads...
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1) Look, sometimes a highly touted power forward #2 overall draft pick has a generally erratic beginning to his career, then after 150 or so games, just when you feel like he should be starting to get it, he comes out and plays absolutely awful basketball for two straight weeks. And then maybe, during a nationally televised game on a, say, Thursday night against, maybe, the Lakers, he comes out, is brutal again, and spends most of the night on the bench. And then maybe someone at Casa Dos - it doesn't matter who, really - declares, "I never want to watch him play again...He is dead to me." I mean, it could happen. But what if, say, in the very next game, that oft-maligned power forward shuffles through three quarters with minimal impact, then suddenly EXPLODES down the stretch with 14 points on two triples, an alley oop slam in transition, a tip in, and two huge steals defensively - and he wins the game, a big game, against the Hawks, while you are right in the middle of a playoff drive? What then? I think that if you are the person who claimed that the power forward was dead to him, you take credit for motivating him! Do it, Mike Beasley! By the way, I left out the part where I mixed myself a very strong mojito before the game, drawing a low whistle from M.Minutos, prompting me to look at her and say, "I need this to watch Mike Beasley play..."
2) Mike - his mind, seemingly, got right about two minutes into the fourth quarter. Did he suddenly have an epiphany about playing hard? Did he re-locate his missing swag? "Honestly," he told Jax after the game, "#3 got mad at me and punched me in the chest." Okay! Whatever it takes! Good job, Dwyane!
3) Okay, new movie out tonight: "QRich Doin' Work II...Still Workin'!" Two nights after his 25 point, 7 triple breakout on the Lakers, The Pres dropped 22 on 5 triples against the ATL. Eleven rebounds. Two huge third quarter rebounds and instant homerun connections to DWade, on the heels of two Wade triples, that erased a 12 point Atlanta lead, and got Miami back in it. I've said it before - I was the only one who believed in QRich when they acquired him last summer. Organizations have different cultures and different roles for positions: on Miami, if you can defend the perimeter, and make the open three, you can play small forward for the Heat. Then that's when the movie offers start flowing in...
4) This was Dwyane Wade's week: 35 points, 12 assists, and 6 rebounds against Golden State. 27 points, 14 assists, and 5 rebounds against the Lakers. 38 points, 10 assists, and 4 rebounds against Atlanta. 3-0. One punch to Mike Beasley's chest. If these are Dwyane's last few weeks in Miami, he's putting on a good show to remember him by.
5) James Jones and Jax made burritos at halftime in the new segment "Recipes for Success." During the piece, James became the first Heat player ever to use the word "affinity" - correctly, by the way - in any segment whatsoever, pregame, postgame, or halftime. Further, the spicy chicken and shrimp burritos did look very tasty - James looks like he knows what he is doing in the kitchen, and M.Minutos and I both agreed that we would eat food that James cooked. The player we would least want preparing a meal for us? By unanimous vote: Dorell Wright. I'd just feel fortunate if he didn't set the kitchen on fire...
6) If you have been near a television over the last couple weeks, you've been bombarded with commercials for the new Gerard Butler-Jennifer Aniston movie called...I don't know what it is called actually - "Uh-oh?" "Career Killer?" Not sure. First of all, why is Gerard Butler doing an American accent that sounds li...never mind. We're turning this over to Scott. He's from Scotland, just like Butler, we just hung out with him on his trip to the States, and he never once used a bizarrely odd sounding American accent, or did anything else that gave me the chills that kind of rhyme with "juice." Scott emailed me to alert me to stay away from movie theaters: "I forgot to bring up, which I am sure you're aware of, that another Gerard Butler vehicle looms. The vehicle I would like to see him in is a hearse." Okay, I just checked it out - it's called "The Bounty Hunter," and it opens March 19th. So if I stay away from the movie theater until, say, about March 20th, I should be in the clear, right? The 21st, maybe, just to play it safe? We'll see...
19 games left, got to get it to about 11-8 to feel pretty good about playoff chances - huge game Tuesday against co-playoff aspirant Charlotte. See you then. Leave your tv off just so you don't have to see the Butler ads...
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Thursday, March 4, 2010
Heat 114 Lakers 111 ot
6 Thoughts
1) Solid, strong win - it's always satisfying to beat the Lakers. Down the stretch of regulation, Miami watched a seven point lead ripped away from them by a series of almost bizarrely ridiculous calls, and the game threatened to be the most aggravating loss since, well, since the last Lakers game. I don't think we complain much about the refereeing here, honestly, but, man, it is tough to get a call against the Lakers in crunch time. Instead, Miami pulled it out in overtime. The Heat are 31-31 now - only twenty games left, jeez. 12-8 goes to the playoff; anything else leaves the door open. That's the goal, 12-8. Let's run down the heroes of the night, followed by a movie review at # 6. I mean, that's how we do!
2) Hero # 1: The President, Quentin Richardson. Let me ask you a question: Have you seen the follow up to Spike Lee's, ummm, "smash hit" documentary "Kobe Doin' Work" from a couple of years ago? Wait, let's back it up a minute - has anyone actually even seen "Kobe Doin' Work?" Okay, that's okay, no problem, because the sequel, "QRich Doin' Work...in Kobe's Mug," is even better! Ron Artest took the defensive assignment on Dwyane Wade most of the night - more on that in a second - leaving Kobe on Quentin...annnnnnnd Quentin went off! 25 points on 7-11 triples, including one huge rip from the right wing with 20 seconds to go that gave the Heat a 2 point lead - Kobe was late on the closeout. Pres also had 5 boards and 3 steals. He was doin' it all.
3) Hero # 2: Carlos Arroyo. Did get the start in place of the benched Rafer Alston. Carlos is slow, not even quick, really; can't jump; and isn't particularly strong. But he is clever, and can run the offense, and knock down the mid-range jumper. On a two-on-one in the first half with Wade against Ron Artest, with Artest playing the percentages and playing for Wade to shoot, Carlos skipped by the Insane One and scooped the ball right in the basket - clever, veteran play. So many guys would have tried to force feed Dwyane. Also okey-doked Derek Fisher on a big fourth quarter play, earned himself two free throws. Knocked down a huge jumper from the top of the key late when the Lakers played off him. Best game - easily - of the year for Carlos. He finished with 17 points on 6-7 shooting, with 5 assists, and zero turnovers.
4) Hero # 3: Dwyane Wade. Down the stretch, Miami cleared out the top and let him go to work on Ron Artest. Artest tried giving him space, but Wade was around him in one step every time, in the teeth, and creating wide open shots for teammates. Two jumpers for Haslem, the huge three by Q, the jumper by Arroyo, a flip to Jermaino for a layup. He was outstanding: 14 assists to go with his 27 points. Kobe (39 points) almost matched him play-for-play down the stretch. Almost.
5) Hero # 4: Phil Jackson. Maybe it's just me, but after about the eighth straight time at the end of the fourth quarter or in overtime that Wade went by Ron Artest with the bounce like Artest was bolted to the floor, I would have put Kobe on Wade, and left Artest to stand out next to QRich and hug him, which is Artest's forte anyways. Instead, Wade kept whiplashing Artest, the Lakers ran to help, and other guys got wide open looks. It was almost as if Jackson was trying to win doing things the wrong way just to irk Miami - and by the way, I wouldn't put it past him.
6) Movie Review: Well, I am finished with Nazis for the most part, and am now studying Jewish resistance to Nazis, in Britain. By the way, I am uniquely qualified to do this, being of British and Jewish heritage myself. Also, I’ve been to England. Twice. So I was just about to do some research last night when I flipped around channels and saw that Planet of the Apes was about to start. That’s an automatic watch for me – let’s be honest, it’s the funniest movie of all time. Disappointingly, however, it was the Marky Mark re-make from 2001, not the original Charlton Heston “classic.” I’ve seen the Marky Mark version – all I really remember is that it falls apart at the end, like they ran out of time and money and just had to slap together an ending, even if it didn’t make any sense whatsoever, which it didn’t. Anyways, it’s a great film. The first scene is on a giant spaceship with Marky Mark training his pet monkey, Pericles, how to fly a small space pod. I’m sure “Pericles” is some kind of traveler or explorer from the old days, by the way, but I don’t know who he is. So then Marky Mark gets called to the Captain’s deck, where a beefy white guy – the Captain (not our "The Captain" – another, real captain) – tells him they need to launch Pericles out in one of the pods to go check out an electrical disturbance ahead of them. Marky Mark is dubious – “he’s not ready for this, Captain,” but the Captain is rude and insistent, “He’s the canary and that’s the coal mine: he launches at 1600 hours!” So Marky Mark is furious, and goes steaming off to give Pericles some last words of advice – I’m not even making any jokes about his unnatural affection for the monkey, or anything, but who knows how long they have been out there in space? So Pericles gets launched, and inevitably, within, like, 5 seconds, he is spinning out of control and lost in the electrical disturbance. Marky Mark demands to be sent out after him, but the Captain is, again, insistent, No, we can’t afford to lose another space pod, or a man. Marky Mark, in a classic line that would be approximately fifty times better if Heston spit it, ominously goes, “never send a monkey to do a man’s job…” By the way, I think we are all fairly familiar with the premise of the film, so the foreshadowing was, maybe, a little heavy. Anyways, Marky Mark stands there fuming, and then you can almost see the light bulb go off in his head, and all of a sudden he gets really conciliatory, and he says to the Captain something like, “hey, ahhh, I think I am going to go check out the pod launch station, maybe I can figure out, ummmm, what went wrong with Pericles,” and The Captain has apparently never seen a movie, or read a book, or lived amongst other humans, because he is, like, “oh, sure, great idea – I have total confidence that you aren’t going to get into a space pod and immediately launch yourself into space to go get the monkey,” which of course is exactly what Marky Mark does. Seems amazing that he is able to independently launch himself in the space pod in about ninety seconds, by the way – seems like there would be some kind of dual control, at a minimum. Totally great, though.
I only watched one more scene, but it is the most important one of all – the re-enactment of the Charlton Heston running scene from the original, in which a 60 year old Heston, with an arthritic hip, clearly wheezing from emphysema, and arguably drunk, manages to elude between thirty and seventy monkeys for about twelve straight minutes, even though they have him surrounded in an area the approximate square footage of my living room. It is the greatest action scene of all-time. But in the re-make, the scene isn’t nearly as good. Even though Marky Mark is in outstanding shape, if I do say so myself, these monkeys are like Lawrence Taylor-super freak monkeys, jumping twenty feet in to the air, and running ten times as fast as the old monkeys, and they catch all the humans really easily. Note: I just took a break to tell The Real Captain about this scene. He said, “apes,” I said, “what?” He said, “they’re apes, not monkeys;” I said, “what is the difference,” he said, “well, the movie is called Planet of the Apes, for one thing.” It’s a fair point…
Anyways, I didn’t watch the rest of the movie, but for what I saw, I give it a 9.5 out of 10, missing a perfect score only because Marky Mark doesn’t have a sweet beard like Heston does in the original.
Home Saturday night against the ATL - try to have your mind right for the evening, please.
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1) Solid, strong win - it's always satisfying to beat the Lakers. Down the stretch of regulation, Miami watched a seven point lead ripped away from them by a series of almost bizarrely ridiculous calls, and the game threatened to be the most aggravating loss since, well, since the last Lakers game. I don't think we complain much about the refereeing here, honestly, but, man, it is tough to get a call against the Lakers in crunch time. Instead, Miami pulled it out in overtime. The Heat are 31-31 now - only twenty games left, jeez. 12-8 goes to the playoff; anything else leaves the door open. That's the goal, 12-8. Let's run down the heroes of the night, followed by a movie review at # 6. I mean, that's how we do!
2) Hero # 1: The President, Quentin Richardson. Let me ask you a question: Have you seen the follow up to Spike Lee's, ummm, "smash hit" documentary "Kobe Doin' Work" from a couple of years ago? Wait, let's back it up a minute - has anyone actually even seen "Kobe Doin' Work?" Okay, that's okay, no problem, because the sequel, "QRich Doin' Work...in Kobe's Mug," is even better! Ron Artest took the defensive assignment on Dwyane Wade most of the night - more on that in a second - leaving Kobe on Quentin...annnnnnnd Quentin went off! 25 points on 7-11 triples, including one huge rip from the right wing with 20 seconds to go that gave the Heat a 2 point lead - Kobe was late on the closeout. Pres also had 5 boards and 3 steals. He was doin' it all.
3) Hero # 2: Carlos Arroyo. Did get the start in place of the benched Rafer Alston. Carlos is slow, not even quick, really; can't jump; and isn't particularly strong. But he is clever, and can run the offense, and knock down the mid-range jumper. On a two-on-one in the first half with Wade against Ron Artest, with Artest playing the percentages and playing for Wade to shoot, Carlos skipped by the Insane One and scooped the ball right in the basket - clever, veteran play. So many guys would have tried to force feed Dwyane. Also okey-doked Derek Fisher on a big fourth quarter play, earned himself two free throws. Knocked down a huge jumper from the top of the key late when the Lakers played off him. Best game - easily - of the year for Carlos. He finished with 17 points on 6-7 shooting, with 5 assists, and zero turnovers.
4) Hero # 3: Dwyane Wade. Down the stretch, Miami cleared out the top and let him go to work on Ron Artest. Artest tried giving him space, but Wade was around him in one step every time, in the teeth, and creating wide open shots for teammates. Two jumpers for Haslem, the huge three by Q, the jumper by Arroyo, a flip to Jermaino for a layup. He was outstanding: 14 assists to go with his 27 points. Kobe (39 points) almost matched him play-for-play down the stretch. Almost.
5) Hero # 4: Phil Jackson. Maybe it's just me, but after about the eighth straight time at the end of the fourth quarter or in overtime that Wade went by Ron Artest with the bounce like Artest was bolted to the floor, I would have put Kobe on Wade, and left Artest to stand out next to QRich and hug him, which is Artest's forte anyways. Instead, Wade kept whiplashing Artest, the Lakers ran to help, and other guys got wide open looks. It was almost as if Jackson was trying to win doing things the wrong way just to irk Miami - and by the way, I wouldn't put it past him.
6) Movie Review: Well, I am finished with Nazis for the most part, and am now studying Jewish resistance to Nazis, in Britain. By the way, I am uniquely qualified to do this, being of British and Jewish heritage myself. Also, I’ve been to England. Twice. So I was just about to do some research last night when I flipped around channels and saw that Planet of the Apes was about to start. That’s an automatic watch for me – let’s be honest, it’s the funniest movie of all time. Disappointingly, however, it was the Marky Mark re-make from 2001, not the original Charlton Heston “classic.” I’ve seen the Marky Mark version – all I really remember is that it falls apart at the end, like they ran out of time and money and just had to slap together an ending, even if it didn’t make any sense whatsoever, which it didn’t. Anyways, it’s a great film. The first scene is on a giant spaceship with Marky Mark training his pet monkey, Pericles, how to fly a small space pod. I’m sure “Pericles” is some kind of traveler or explorer from the old days, by the way, but I don’t know who he is. So then Marky Mark gets called to the Captain’s deck, where a beefy white guy – the Captain (not our "The Captain" – another, real captain) – tells him they need to launch Pericles out in one of the pods to go check out an electrical disturbance ahead of them. Marky Mark is dubious – “he’s not ready for this, Captain,” but the Captain is rude and insistent, “He’s the canary and that’s the coal mine: he launches at 1600 hours!” So Marky Mark is furious, and goes steaming off to give Pericles some last words of advice – I’m not even making any jokes about his unnatural affection for the monkey, or anything, but who knows how long they have been out there in space? So Pericles gets launched, and inevitably, within, like, 5 seconds, he is spinning out of control and lost in the electrical disturbance. Marky Mark demands to be sent out after him, but the Captain is, again, insistent, No, we can’t afford to lose another space pod, or a man. Marky Mark, in a classic line that would be approximately fifty times better if Heston spit it, ominously goes, “never send a monkey to do a man’s job…” By the way, I think we are all fairly familiar with the premise of the film, so the foreshadowing was, maybe, a little heavy. Anyways, Marky Mark stands there fuming, and then you can almost see the light bulb go off in his head, and all of a sudden he gets really conciliatory, and he says to the Captain something like, “hey, ahhh, I think I am going to go check out the pod launch station, maybe I can figure out, ummmm, what went wrong with Pericles,” and The Captain has apparently never seen a movie, or read a book, or lived amongst other humans, because he is, like, “oh, sure, great idea – I have total confidence that you aren’t going to get into a space pod and immediately launch yourself into space to go get the monkey,” which of course is exactly what Marky Mark does. Seems amazing that he is able to independently launch himself in the space pod in about ninety seconds, by the way – seems like there would be some kind of dual control, at a minimum. Totally great, though.
I only watched one more scene, but it is the most important one of all – the re-enactment of the Charlton Heston running scene from the original, in which a 60 year old Heston, with an arthritic hip, clearly wheezing from emphysema, and arguably drunk, manages to elude between thirty and seventy monkeys for about twelve straight minutes, even though they have him surrounded in an area the approximate square footage of my living room. It is the greatest action scene of all-time. But in the re-make, the scene isn’t nearly as good. Even though Marky Mark is in outstanding shape, if I do say so myself, these monkeys are like Lawrence Taylor-super freak monkeys, jumping twenty feet in to the air, and running ten times as fast as the old monkeys, and they catch all the humans really easily. Note: I just took a break to tell The Real Captain about this scene. He said, “apes,” I said, “what?” He said, “they’re apes, not monkeys;” I said, “what is the difference,” he said, “well, the movie is called Planet of the Apes, for one thing.” It’s a fair point…
Anyways, I didn’t watch the rest of the movie, but for what I saw, I give it a 9.5 out of 10, missing a perfect score only because Marky Mark doesn’t have a sweet beard like Heston does in the original.
Home Saturday night against the ATL - try to have your mind right for the evening, please.
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Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Heat 110 Warriors 106
6 Thoughts
1) Is there such a thing as a pitiful win? Because that was pitiful. Miami squeaked by a 17 win Warrior team missing three starters, and barely escaped when Anthony Morrow's wide open look at a 3, down 2, inside of a minute to go, missed. Eric Reid, Tony Fiorentino, DWade, and Carlos Arroyo all made excuses about how it is dangerous to play against a team missing players and out of the playoff race because they are loose. You know what else is dangerous? Coming out with the defensive intensity of a milk carton. Goodness gracious, that was a brutal win.
2) It was mostly Dwyane Wade who won the game, without a great deal of help. Dwyane had 35 points on a ridiculous 15-23, with 12 assists, 6 rebounds, and 4 steals. Golden State didn't have anyone who could match up with him, and even if they did, it is even money Coach Don Nelson, who is the King of the Mail It In, and an absolute abomination to the sport of basketball, wouldn't play him. Over the last several years you couldn't possibly make less of an effort to win basketball games than Don Nelson has - he's a joke. Also worth mentioning, wore a dark burgundy t-shirt, fitting snugly over the giant man boobs, with a light gray suit jacket over it. It is a tossup as to what is worse, his coaching effort or his fashion "sense."
3) Change at the point guard spot: Rafer Alston started as usual, and played awfully again, especially on the offensive end. After 7 minutes he was gone - no return for Skip, and Carlos Arroyo started the second half. Carlos had 14, 5 and 5. Emcee Chalmers backed him up in the second half - Emcee was vaguely average. Carlos is the most efficient offensive point guard; Rafer is the best defender; Chalmers is second at both. None of them are starting NBA point guards - that's the problem. The Heat want Chalmers to blossom as a true NBA player, but his second year has been a step back. Odds are, Arroyo starts Tuesday with Emcee backing him up; but the move probably should be Arroyo as the starter, with Skip playing the backup minutes to give a defensive on-the-ball presence.
4) Beasley was okay - 15 points on only 6-14. Still looked indecisive and flat-footed. Wonder if the knee that he hyperextended a couple weeks back is still bothering him. He played only 21 minutes tonight - he is going to have to show more energy to push those minutes back up.
5) Okay, we got a good look at Warriors rookie Stephen Curry tonight. His dad, Dell, played in the NBA for a long time and was the best shooter that I have ever seen. If his jumper came out of his hand any softer, it would have been going backwards. His son Stephen is a little smaller and slighter than Dell was, but is also an incredible shooter, with a quick release, a deceptive handle, and a mature sense of how to run an offense from the point guard position. He had 18 points and 8 assists tonight on 7-17, after a slow start. Would easily be the best Heat point guard right now. Having seen all the NBA rookies multiple times, I don't think it is even close - I'd take Curry in a heartbeat. Tyreke Evans on Sacramento is going to win Rookie of the Year - he is a physical rock who bulls his way to rim at every opportunity, but I haven't seen him pass the ball yet. Not a guy you would want to play with. Brandon Jennings is a quicker point guard than Curry, but not in the same class as a shooter or scorer. Curry is the guy, for sure. Mature.
6) Several readers wrote in to ask if I watched the Gold Medal hockey game in the Olympics. Thanks for asking. Yes, yes I did - at least from the second period on. Not a hockey fan but loved the game, although in fairness, I did fall asleep with three minutes to go, the U.S. down one, and missed their pulled goalie miracle goal with 25 seconds left to force overtime. C'est la vie - at least I wasn't watching ice dancing. Woke up just as the puck was being dropped for overtime, so I saw the U.S. lose - never saw a team quite so excited over winning a hockey game. Guys, you know it's just hockey, right? My favorite U.S. player was Rick Nash, who was a big, physical, long-armed player with good puck skills, who seemed to control play every time he was on the ice. The Captain later pointed out that Nash was actually on Canada. Whatever - I still loved him. Cap and I spent much of the next day lamenting the good old days when the main U.S. rival in the Olympics - and in life - was the as-yet unbroken Soviet Union, when they wore the sweet red CCCP jerseys. It was a simpler time back then - we may have hated the USSR, and they hated us, but there existed the mutual understanding that always exists between white people. They are Slavic, I think - that is pretty much white, isn't it? We may have hated them, but we knew where they were coming from - from whiteness - and we assumed that they wouldn't do anything too crazy because of it, and vice versa. Now the world is far more confusing - we don't know what the hell these Chinese are going to do, let alone the Koreans, or radical, racial Islamic terrorists. That's why we are so jittery as a country these days - when you can't even trust your enemies, then what?
Thursday against the Lakers!
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1) Is there such a thing as a pitiful win? Because that was pitiful. Miami squeaked by a 17 win Warrior team missing three starters, and barely escaped when Anthony Morrow's wide open look at a 3, down 2, inside of a minute to go, missed. Eric Reid, Tony Fiorentino, DWade, and Carlos Arroyo all made excuses about how it is dangerous to play against a team missing players and out of the playoff race because they are loose. You know what else is dangerous? Coming out with the defensive intensity of a milk carton. Goodness gracious, that was a brutal win.
2) It was mostly Dwyane Wade who won the game, without a great deal of help. Dwyane had 35 points on a ridiculous 15-23, with 12 assists, 6 rebounds, and 4 steals. Golden State didn't have anyone who could match up with him, and even if they did, it is even money Coach Don Nelson, who is the King of the Mail It In, and an absolute abomination to the sport of basketball, wouldn't play him. Over the last several years you couldn't possibly make less of an effort to win basketball games than Don Nelson has - he's a joke. Also worth mentioning, wore a dark burgundy t-shirt, fitting snugly over the giant man boobs, with a light gray suit jacket over it. It is a tossup as to what is worse, his coaching effort or his fashion "sense."
3) Change at the point guard spot: Rafer Alston started as usual, and played awfully again, especially on the offensive end. After 7 minutes he was gone - no return for Skip, and Carlos Arroyo started the second half. Carlos had 14, 5 and 5. Emcee Chalmers backed him up in the second half - Emcee was vaguely average. Carlos is the most efficient offensive point guard; Rafer is the best defender; Chalmers is second at both. None of them are starting NBA point guards - that's the problem. The Heat want Chalmers to blossom as a true NBA player, but his second year has been a step back. Odds are, Arroyo starts Tuesday with Emcee backing him up; but the move probably should be Arroyo as the starter, with Skip playing the backup minutes to give a defensive on-the-ball presence.
4) Beasley was okay - 15 points on only 6-14. Still looked indecisive and flat-footed. Wonder if the knee that he hyperextended a couple weeks back is still bothering him. He played only 21 minutes tonight - he is going to have to show more energy to push those minutes back up.
5) Okay, we got a good look at Warriors rookie Stephen Curry tonight. His dad, Dell, played in the NBA for a long time and was the best shooter that I have ever seen. If his jumper came out of his hand any softer, it would have been going backwards. His son Stephen is a little smaller and slighter than Dell was, but is also an incredible shooter, with a quick release, a deceptive handle, and a mature sense of how to run an offense from the point guard position. He had 18 points and 8 assists tonight on 7-17, after a slow start. Would easily be the best Heat point guard right now. Having seen all the NBA rookies multiple times, I don't think it is even close - I'd take Curry in a heartbeat. Tyreke Evans on Sacramento is going to win Rookie of the Year - he is a physical rock who bulls his way to rim at every opportunity, but I haven't seen him pass the ball yet. Not a guy you would want to play with. Brandon Jennings is a quicker point guard than Curry, but not in the same class as a shooter or scorer. Curry is the guy, for sure. Mature.
6) Several readers wrote in to ask if I watched the Gold Medal hockey game in the Olympics. Thanks for asking. Yes, yes I did - at least from the second period on. Not a hockey fan but loved the game, although in fairness, I did fall asleep with three minutes to go, the U.S. down one, and missed their pulled goalie miracle goal with 25 seconds left to force overtime. C'est la vie - at least I wasn't watching ice dancing. Woke up just as the puck was being dropped for overtime, so I saw the U.S. lose - never saw a team quite so excited over winning a hockey game. Guys, you know it's just hockey, right? My favorite U.S. player was Rick Nash, who was a big, physical, long-armed player with good puck skills, who seemed to control play every time he was on the ice. The Captain later pointed out that Nash was actually on Canada. Whatever - I still loved him. Cap and I spent much of the next day lamenting the good old days when the main U.S. rival in the Olympics - and in life - was the as-yet unbroken Soviet Union, when they wore the sweet red CCCP jerseys. It was a simpler time back then - we may have hated the USSR, and they hated us, but there existed the mutual understanding that always exists between white people. They are Slavic, I think - that is pretty much white, isn't it? We may have hated them, but we knew where they were coming from - from whiteness - and we assumed that they wouldn't do anything too crazy because of it, and vice versa. Now the world is far more confusing - we don't know what the hell these Chinese are going to do, let alone the Koreans, or radical, racial Islamic terrorists. That's why we are so jittery as a country these days - when you can't even trust your enemies, then what?
Thursday against the Lakers!
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