1) Well, that was pretty good! First, retiring NBA commissioner David Stern handed out rings to all the Heat players, after sending out his thoughts and prayers to the victims of "Hurricane Katrina." Whoa, he's getting out just in time - wrong hurricane, Commish! It was interesting that in Dwyane's city, Dwyane got his ring next to last, and KJ James got his last. I was wondering how that would go, and I have to admit, I had a tinge of, like, I don't know, just a little, "ahhh." Don't want Dwyane to get old...lose his athleticism...retire...then die...Goodness, sorry, that's kind of a downer. Anyways, it's KJ's team now, I guess - he earned it!...Next, they raised the banner up to the rafters, while Queen's "We Are The Champions" blared. M.Minutos wondered what we all would have done if Queen had never written that song...Oh yeah, then there was a game...annnnnd we killed the Celtics! Same as it ever was! Doucheball in town, and doucheball goes down...again!!! Season's up, dude, season's up!!! Let's go and do it, and let's go and get it, and let's get it on, and let's goooo!!!
2) Miami pretty much pummeled Boston - too much offense, especially from the Big Three, who all played well. KJ James, somehow, started cramping again, just like in last year's Finals, so he couldn't play most of the fourth quarter, but in the 29 minutes he did play, he had 26 points (10-16) and 10 boards - drink those fluids, KJ! As John McEnroe always used to point out during Andre Agassi tennis matches, you can't start drinking the fluids when you start cramping - then it's too late; have to drink them well before. That's some free advice for KJ, and the Heat training staff. Dwyane Wade looked quick, athletic, and somewhat out-of-control, but still scored 29 on 10-22. Chris Bosh was a little starved for touches, I felt - there's no way Kevin Garnett can guard him anymore - but he scored six big points down the stretch, and choked out Boston's last gasp with a block of Paul Pierce at the rim. Three blocks for Bosh (!), and 19 points and 10 rebounds. He's gonna kill people this year!
3) Key stretch of the game: midway through the third quarter, with KJ in the locker room swallowing Gatorade to try to stave off the cramps (too late - told you!), and Dwyane on the bench for his normal rest, the Heat ran out Bosh, Mike Mil-lar, Walter Ray Allen, Rashard Lewis, and Almario Vernard "Emcee" Chalmers: all shooters, all the time! That group instantly ran off buckets on six straight possessions: Bosh post-up hoop; Lewis wing jumper; Chalmers drive-and-dump to Bosh for a dunk; Allen triple; Chalmers pull-up in the lane over Kevin Garnett; and a Rashard Lewis post-up hoop with the shot clock going off. Boston had to stay at home on all the shooters, and it created gaps everywhere. Miami's bench closed the quarter with a 17 point lead, effectively ending the game. It's a lot of depth out there. Walter Ray scored 19 on 5-7 (2-3 triples). Lewis scored 10 on 4-5, and also blocked a Jason Terry layup without jumping, which wasn't coincidental, since I didn't see him jump one time all night. And, quietly, Emcee Chalmers played, I thought, one of the better all-around games of his career. He only scored 8 points (one huge driving bucket over Garnett late in the game when Boston was trying to scrap back in it), but he had 11 assists - many of them very high quality - and only 1 (!) turnover, with 3 steals. For once, he looked like a confident, high-quality veteran. He looked like a champion!
4) Doucheball Report: Look, this is what the Celtics do - they come to town, they pass the ball well, they make open shots, they defend at a high level (not tonight - lot of new guys, so they get a pass), and they act like a bunch of douchebags. That's not a criticism or a judgement - it's descriptive only. Here's the shopping list of what they did tonight: Kevin Garnett threw an elbow at Mario Chalmers' head, which missed, then later another one which hit him; when Ray Allen checked into the game for the first time, he ran by the Celtics' bench to shake everyones' hands, and everyone gladly did it, except Garnett, who ignored him, even as Ray gave him a smile and a tap on the shoulder; Garnett needlessly went up high with forearms to Udonis Haslem's face after a made Celtic bucket, then ran away from UD; Jason Terry, making himself instantly at home, slapped the ball out of Chalmers' hands 2 seconds after the whistle for a timeout; Rondo got a technical for arguing after surrendering a post-up hoop to Wade (Ray Allen shot the techincal free throw with the crowd chanting his name - ohhhh, sooo gooood!), then with 17 seconds left, and the Heat up 11, let Wade drive past him, and lassoed him around the neck, earning a flagrant foul. Rondo is absolutely the Dick Cheney of the NBA - sooo unlikable! Also, I'm pretty sure I saw him wearing a "Vote Romney" button on his sweater before the game! Doc Rivers, as always, contested every call all night long, including ones which went the Celtics way, and one blatant defensive three seconds call on Garnett, which even Garnett himself acknowledged was accurate by raising his hand and nodding at the call in agreement! Then the entire team left without shaking hands at all, or even making the polite waves to the other team that all (other) teams do after every NBA game. Full night! I mean, they really douched it up! Still, they hung tough for much of the game, and I think they are easily the second best team in the East - so expect another date with them this spring. Really looking forward to sending them home again!
5) We got a good compliment at our Twitter account yesterday from @GoodMourningMIA:
"No way bro your blog is the cats ass"
Exactly! Finally someone who gets us! This is precisely what we have been going for: the cat's ass!!! Thanks, Dude!
6) Well, few things have, ummm, "electrified" our readership like the encounter that GFOB Thor and I had with Refrigerator Woman, the stripper from Atlanta's longest-running strip club, The Claremont. We described that encounter in #6 of our season preview, and we received a lot of comments and questions about her. GFOB Snets pointed out that his band often plays The Who's "Squeeze Box," the song to which Refrigerator Woman did the most bizarre hand-rolling, hip-thrusting 'exotic' dance ever. Look, I don't know what the best stripper song ever is - depending on the venue it's probably something by either Rihanna or Motley Crue - but I know what the worst is, and it's "Squeeze Box" by The Who. I'd suggest to GFOB Snets that his band discontinue playing that song immediately, but I'm not even sure that goes far enough. Probably better to just give up music altogether - I know I am…Anyways, we're gonna try to answer the questions we got here. Not gonna post the questions, just the answers. Remember, strippers at The Claremont don't necessarily conform to "conventionally-accepted standards of beauty." Or, any other standard of beauty. Okay, here are the answers (only) to all our readers' questions:
White; no, she had all her teeth; black and straight and greasy; plain over peanut, definitely; sickly sweet, like a combination of lilac and stale beer; white, again, like a faded and cracking alabaster wall; "Sweet Home Alabama," I assume; late 40s, I guess; no, black people are wayyy too smart for that; like getting a back scratch from Dan Dierdorf; awful; low-grade, medium-term erectile dysfunction.
Think that covers them all! If you have any more questions about her, please write in!
Think that covers them all! If you have any more questions about her, please write in!
-----
Here we go, off on another NBA season, and it feels so good...for now...six weeks from now, I will start praying for the All-Star break, and the eventual end of the season, or the sweet release of death, whichever comes frst. Next game should be Friday, in New York, against the Knicks! Doesn't get any better than Celtics-Knicks to start the season! If you need me before Friday, I'll be rubbing down KJ James' legs while listening to "Squeeze Box" - got to keep that boy limber! See you Friday, Hurricane Katrina survivors!
-----
