Magic 96 Heat 80

6 Thoughts

1) Well, Dwyane Wade is back, but Miami still lost. Showed a half's worth of life before being methodically ground out by the better and deeper Magic in the second quarter. Miami has now lost 4 straight, after winning 5 straight, preceded by losing 5 straight. Sitting in 9th place, with 22 games to go. 9 of next 10 at home, but some good teams coming to town - the weaker Warriors on Tuesday, followed by the Lakers on Thursday, and Atlanta Saturday. Some guys are going to have to try - hard - to get their minds right...

2)...and candidate number 1 is Mike Beasley. Look, we love Mike and we hate to keep pounding him here, but what are we going to do? The Heat is trying to make the playoffs and convince Wade to re-sign in the off-season. They are struggling. Their biggest problem is their inability to score. Mike's only NBA-level skill is scoring. And then he comes out again today, for the fourth game in a row, and stinks out the entire city of Orlando - and believe me, that takes some doing, Orlando is a brutal, brutal city in which to spend time. It's like living in South Florida, except without the ocean or cultural diversity - it's basically Oklahoma, but hotter. Anyways, Mike was awful - I mean just awful - he had 1 point and 1 rebound in 18 minutes, and got taken apart defensively by Rashard Lewis. Beas played his way off the court in the second half - you couldn't put him out there and still be serious about trying to win. Not sure what's up with the kid these days, but he definitely needs a mind-rightness intervention...

3) Dwyane Wade came back a little rusty, but spirited and had 17 first half points, but finished with just 21 overall, as things generally deteriorated in the second half. Had a little edge to him early, going hard to the basket, drawing fouls, and scowling. Drawing a particularly mean scowl was the frustratingly mellow Vince Carter, who sidled up to Wade during a dead ball after Wade had taken a hard foul to exchange pleasantries. Carter is, to his own detriment, one of the mildest mannered players in the NBA, and looked somewhat taken aback at Wade's death stare. The difference in personalities, though, probably explains some of the success Wade has had relative to Carter - Wade has carried a team to a title, while Carter is seen as one of the bigger underachievers in recent NBA history. I'm rooting for Vince to do well in the playoffs this year, because he seems like a nice guy - it would be great to see him butch up a little, though...

4)...because no one - no one - can do some of the things he has been able to do throughout his career. He is older now, and doesn't have the quickness or the explosion off the floor that he used to. But one underrated skill of Carter's is his shooting - because he takes so many tough shots, it is easy to look at his percentage and not recognize how good his stroke is. But it is sweet. He is incredibly coordinated and gifted athletically - that was on display tonight when, for the third or fourth time I have seen, he got bumped while dribbling, a foul was called, and casually, with the play over, took a three pointer with his left - off - hand. Tonight's went right in - I think he is like 3 for 4 in the times I have seen him try that. Do you understand how hard that is? Forget the three point line, just go out to the free throw line some evening and try to make shots with your off hand. And don't throw it, either - you really have to shoot it, with the reverse form that you use with your dominant hand. Vimpossible!

5) Well, what a surprise - reports out of Cleveland are that rotund, aging center Shaquille O'Neal, who in all fairness has played well of late, will miss the rest of the regular season after injuring his thumb and needing surgery. He is expected back right around playoff time. I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing for the Cavs. One thing you know about Shaq, he isn't going to let his time away from the game while recovering from surgery get him out of shape:



Someone better call Sports Authority because we are going to need an awfully big treadmill...

6) Okay, we haven't checked in with our favorite band Teenage Middleage Rage for awhile - for one thing, they broke up again after reuniting for the smash hit "Jeff Jeffrey Jeff." But the driving force behind the music, Dos' favorite reader Scott, plays on, and we are posting a message from him here:

"What is the best song of all time? Big Bill, Upstairs Dan & Scott J - the Grumpy Old Bastards (GOBS) - vowed to answer that question once and for all, and, with a combined 147 years of music-listening experience, they were uniquely qualified to do so. Weeks of intense thinking, drinking & listening led to the inescapable conclusion that the best song of all time is ... (drum roll) ... "Louie, Louie." They immediately entered the studio to record this old nugget, cleverly changing the name to "Billy, Billy" and recruiting their good friend, Mr JJ Gobsock, to contribute backing vocals. The result is captured in the explosive video below, which has already set the Internets, ethernets, New York Nets and various tennis nets aflame. Enjoy at your own risk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRfu6CDuju0

Also, we'd like to invite you to join the Fa Fa Records Album of the Month Club, which is free to all members of this list (and, indeed, anyone else who might conceivably be interested). Members get a brand-new LP each month from one of the many bands on our roster. February's album is "Reverb Ocean" by The Scott Millers -- 11 tracks of blistering intensity, unbridled enthusiasm and varying musical quality.

Until next time,

GOB ON!"

The only thing we are objecting to here is the premise that "Louie, Louie" is the greatest song of all-time. The greatest five songs of all-time, White Dude category (besides "Jeff Jeffrey Jeff") - at least for today - from 5th best to the best are:

5) The Smashing Pumpkins, "Thirty-Three." Because it is the most wistful and melancholy for angst-y white dudes.

4) Travis, "Sing." Because it is the prettiest, so pretty you ache.

3) The Rolling Stones, "Sway." Because it is the sound of white dudes barely -barely - holding their shit together long enough to play a whole song.

2) Young M.C., "Bust a Move." Because it, along with Rob Base's two monster hits "Joy and Pain" and "It Takes Two," made it okay for white people to like rap music, and for rappers to make hits. And you know you will always sway and bob your head to "Bust a Move," even though it is kind of gay-ish, and you are an aging white dude - just like Clooney in "Up in the Air."

1) The Clash, "Train in Vain." Because it is always the best song, on any list, and it is the most fundamental song ever about the wrongness of certain girls: she said she loved you - that's a fact - but then she left you, said she felt trapped. Ill as hell...

Tuesday, Golden State.

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Bucks 94 Heat 71

6 Thoughts

1) Well...where's all the Mike Beasley supporters now? Where they at? Pipe up, pipe up, make yourself heard. Tough to hear you over the bus that just ran over him, backed up, and ran over him again - I think that might have been your bandwagon's bus, by the way. A game Miami really, really needed, at home, against a team they are battling for a playoff spot, without Dwyane Wade again. I'm not saying the Heat should have won without Dwyane - but at least it would have been nice if Mike showed up. 10 points on 5-14 for Mike in 31 mostly invisible minutes. If Dwyane Wade leaves this offseason, don't underestimate this brutal stretch from Beasley with Wade out as a potential factor - pick it up, Mike, you don't want to be the franchise killer...

2) "Okay, Rafer, bring it up the left side, swing it to Daequan, then look for a dump down to J.O. J.O., if they double hard, spit it quick; if they don't, try to get middle. Then reverse the ball quickly, and somebody please pass it to Mike so he can toss up a half-hearted, flat-footed wing jump shot, watch it rattle off the rim, then shuffle back down court while Luc Mbah a Moute beats him to the rim, catches a pass in stride, and flushes it with authority. One, two, three - break!"

3) Miami has now fallen out of playoff position. They are currently ninth, and fading fast. Realistically, they are right around where they were expected to be, a game under .500. But, Milwaukee (winners of 6 straight), Chicago, and Toronto have all played very well after slow starts. Charlotte, in a virtual deadlock with Miami, started slow, revved up, and have now come back to earth. It looks like 42 wins (out of 82) is necessary to get in to the playoffs. Miami is 29-30, with an almost certain loss in Orlando tomorrow night, with or without Wade. If DW doesn't get back soon, it could look grim - quick, fast, in a hurry!

4) Even the normally unflappable Tony Fiorentino let the poor performance get to him. Began the second half by grousing to Eric Reid that the Miami Herald had not listed Sunday night's game in Orlando as being on Sunsports, but "contrary to what you might read, Eric, it is. How hard is it to put that in the newspaper?" Grump-pee! It is the angriest I have heard Tony since...well, I guess last week, when he took offense to Charles Barkley calling Wade's supporting cast "a bunch of Tito Jacksons." The NBA can be a long, long season, and when things are going badly, it can be frustrating, even for the announcers...

5) On a happier note: it was Kids Day at the Heat's house, and several youngsters participated in the broadcast. The young kid from Belle Glade who interviewed President Obama - and Udonis Haslem - last year was on hand to interview Dwyane Wade and asked him if he could borrow the keys to his proverbial "house." "Nah," said Dwyane, "we ain't that close." The halftime participants on a special edition of "Hot Seconds with Jax" were Jax's kids, Justin and Jordan. They ended up in a tie when Justin, or was it Jordan, - the older one - could only name three songs off Mike Jackson's "Thriller" instead of the necessary four. "P.Y.T.," kid - totally underrated! O.Minutos was impressed with the pair, and P.Minutos instantly demanded that his daddy change jobs to go work for the Heat. I pointed out that it would require a lot of travel and time away from home on my part - I think they took that as an additional selling point. Best of all: the Heat starters were introduced in the pre-game graphics with photos of them as children. Either Rafer Alston's picture was from an older age than the rest of the guys; or, he had a moustache when he was eight.

6) Look, I know a lot of people want to hear about my trip to see the Dalai Lama, but what can I say: he is a chill dude, Phil and I had a great time, and I saw a 42 year old man in a Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt try to make a citizens arrest on another dude for throwing his cigarette butt on the ground before the show in front of the arena. In terms of what he played, he opened with his Cat Stevens "Moonshadow/Peace Train" medley, cranked it up with his blistering version of Seger's "Feel Like a Number," and brought the house down with a racous, guitar-heavy cover of "Sussudio." He's been playing the same show without change essentially since 1959, but somehow it still works. Read more at jamiereviewsthedalailama.com. What I really want to talk about is bobsledding. I just watched the Americans win a bobsledding gold medal for the first time in 62 years. The driver of the car - and by the way, I didn't even realize bobsledding had a driver, I thought you just sat there and slid down the ice - was a guy named Steven Holcomb, who was a fascinating fellow. First of all, he almost had to quit the sport a year ago because he had a degenerative eye condition and could no longer see the track - by the way, he didn't stop driving bobsleds as his vision worsened, according to NBC. One day he showed up and told the coach, "hey, coach, I have to stop driving the bobsled because I can't see the track anymore." That had to make the other guys who had been riding those last few months in his sled feel secure! Then he had a surgical procedure not yet approved in America, and suddenly he could see again - which he said hurt his driving because he could see where he was going too well. Okay, great. Best of all, he is a 'husky' kind of fellow - I wouldn't say he was in great shape - and bobsledding suits are really, really tight. I mean, really tight. I don't know where he was planning to put that gold medal for the ride back to the Olympic Village, but I don't think there was any room left in his pockets. Goodness gracious! Let's back the camera up a little bit, NBC, I feel just like I did the night I saw Janet Jackson's boob at the Superbowl, except the exact opposite...I have to be honest with you, I'm still a little shaken up. I'm going to take a shower...

See you tomorrow night in Orlando.

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Timberwolves 91 Heat 88

6 Thoughts

1) Dwayne Wade and Rafer Alston both still out with a bruised calf and a bruised hand respectively, and Miami lost to the worst team in basketball not headquartered in the New York/New Jersey area. Essentially, without Wade, Miami is Minnesota - still, when you drop to 29-29, just a half-game in front of two teams for the final Eastern playoff spot, someone has to get hammered...

2) ...and that someone is Mr. Michael Beasley. He was indescribably pitiful in this basketball game. First of all, he played 34 minutes and never once jumped. I don't know if that was his game plan coming in, or if he felt like the flow of the action didn't warrant jumping, or what, but, in the future, I'd recommend some jumping. Second, with Wade out, the team dying for scoring, Beasley asking for his teammates' trust, and objecting to Charles Barkley's comments identifying him as a Tito Jackson, he shot 5-18 for 14 points. But it wasn't just bad shooting, it was poor decision making: bad shots, zero inclination to go to the basket, and an inability to swing the ball quickly from side to side with passes. In fact, the last couple of games, Mike has reverted to a bad, bad rookie year habit of catching the ball and either cradling it in one hand and swinging it around carelessly, or bending over at the waist and waving the ball pointlessly in between his legs. One of the first skills they teach you in basketball is when you have the ball to be in "triple threat" position: on balance, ready to drive, pass, or shoot in an instant. Mike is using the "zero threat" position; or, as Plumber likes to call it, "The Vince Carter." Anyways, the reality is, if the Heat get anything out of Mike on this night, they probably win. Let's hope they don't miss the playoffs by one game...

3) And they probably would have won because of Dorell Wright. Career high 6 triples on 7 tries, 26 points and 7 rebounds for DWright. Remember the 5 or 6 million Miami "spent" on him at the trading deadline? He almost saved the game tonight. Along with Jermaino's 18 and 6, they were the only two Heat players to play well.

4) Minnesota rookie Johnny Flynn is short, electrically quick, strong-bodied, and a bad decision machine. He had 16 points on 6-17 shooting, and 5 turnovers, all of them seemingly in the last two minutes when the Heat cut a 10 point deficit to 1. The run also featured Flynn taking a ridiculously poor and quick three point shot off an offensive rebound with a minute to go, and Flynn running into and fouling Quentin Richardson on a three point shot. However, the rookie was unbowed, and his jumper with 35 seconds to go put Minnesota up 3 and was the biggest shot of the game. His point guard skills are limited, but he can score - upside is probably a good backup in the NBA, realistically.

Game didn't go too well overall - let's shift gears a thought early tonight, at #5.

5) Okay, so we get a lot of requests from readers, but most of them are like, “go to Hell,” or they aren’t even technically requests, just statements like, “you suck.” Every so often, though, we get one that is well-reasoned and in those cases we like to do what we can to accommodate it.

So, our favorite reader, Rachel, writes in to say: “I am respectfully requesting Olympics coverage (specifically figure skating) in your blog. I feel it is neglectful for you to ignore this important global event.?

That is a good request – you know what won us over? When she respectfully requested the coverage…

Well, here is some coverage: Sunday night I was researching Nazis on-line and I saw on espn.com that the United States was leading Canada in hockey. I was, like, “oh, I’ll go watch the end of that – The Captain will be so proud of me because he loves hockey.” So I go turn on the tv, and put on NBC – I knew the Olympics were on NBA because Bob Costas is the host, and he is always on NBC (watching him announce NBA Finals games on NBC still gives me the willies). There was some sort of couples skating competition on – I watched for thirty seconds, didn’t see any jumping at all, so I knew, “ahhh, the red-headed step-child of skating: ice dancing!” Because I know about skating. I'm like a cooler Dick Button. So this couple finishes, and the announcers start building up the next couple, saying how they are controversial because they dress up like aboriginals (Aborigines? I honestly don’t know), and then do an interpretation of an aboriginal dance, but they are Russian, and aborigines are all offended and upset, and that gave me two thoughts: One, "I don’t even really know what aboriginals are, or where they are from. They are, like, black dudes from Australia or something, right?" Two, "I am definitely watching this." So they come out – they are very, very white Russian people by the way – and they are wearing light brown jumpsuits with fake white aboriginal tattoos on them, and what looks to be green construction paper leaves in their hair and belts, representing the indigenous clothing of the aboriginals, I guess. The announcers did a split screen to show that they had worn similar outfits at the 2010 World Championships, but had received so much criticism that they were forced to tone the outfits down by making the fake tattoos smaller, and taking off the fake war paint that they wore on their faces in that competition. They do their dance – there was a lot of really bad “tribal” dancing, and, to be honest, some eye-bugging – you know, like crazy natives do – and the color commentator, a women who clearly despised the couple, criticized them the whole way through, and when they ended and the crowd clapped, she said, “a lukewarm reception…at best.” Then their scores came up and they were in first place. They throw out the high and low scores in ice dancing, so the 0.0 that the aboriginal judge gave them didn't hurt too much. I don’t know if they won because right about then I remembered I was trying to watch the hockey game and suddenly realized it was probably showing on MSNBC, which it was, but I turned it on right as it was ending, so I didn’t see any of the game – which were supposedly spectacular – because of the ice dancing. C’est la vie…The Captain is not going to be happy, though. Last year I missed the Superbowl because I was watching a movie - now this...I think I’ll just pretend I saw the hockey…

Other quick Olympic thoughts:

-The Captain is enthralled by openly gay figure skater Johnny Weir. Not because he is openly gay – although The Captain, and Dos Minutos in general, are pleased to see someone just be who they are, unlike that phony Bob Costas – but because PETA criticized him for wearing a real fur on the ice, and he tried to wear a fake one, didn’t like how it felt, and then said, essentially, “screw PETA,” and went back to the real one. The Captain hates activist groups of any kind…

-I watched a little two man bobsled. I didn’t think there was any chance I could make it into the speeding sled to sit down while running along full-speed on ice pushing it, although M.Minutos pointed out that one would probably practice this for a while before just, like, showing up for the Olympics.

-Bode Miller? Not really sure who he is.

-Lindsey Vonn – she is the girl skier who was complaining incessantly about a bruised shin. A bruised shin? You aren’t even running, you are just standing on skis – I think she is in downhill, so there aren’t even turns. Come on, a bruised shin – do you think Jeremy Shockey would be slowed down by a bruised shin? I didn't think so...

6) Big day tomorrow. Going with Dos Minutos' favorite reader, Jamie, to see the Dalai Lama give a speech at Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton. According to the ticket, you aren't allowed to bring air horns, confetti, or weapons in to the lecture hall, and it expressly states that the Dalai Lama does not sign autographs. He will, however, perhaps answer some questions after his speech - I think it is about non-violent resistance, or something - but the questions had to be pre-submitted, via email. Here are the questions Jamie and I submitted:

- "Technically speaking, do you outrank Gandhi, or does he outrank you?"

- "Why do you continue to deny the Holocaust?"

- "Team Pam, or Team Karen?"

- "In Tibet, are you allowed to park your car wherever you want, as long as you aren't blocking anyone in, or creating a safety hazard? By the way, here in Amerika we are not."

- "How tall do you think Tom Cruise actually is?"

- "What is the age of consent in Tibet? Is it, like, a hard and fast law, or more of a guideline?"

- "What do you think of Anton Apollio Ohno, or whatever his name is, getting a shot at being the next Lama? He is kind of Asian, kind of not, sort of like you. If he doesn't work out, you just do what we do in Amerika - set him up with a hooker, call Star Magazine, and wait for him to resign."

- "Have you ever used the 'N' word? Even as a joke?"

- "Do you hate Japanese anime because they have illegally occupied your country by force for the past fifty years?...Wait, what? Oh - never mind..."

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Off until Saturday - long break, let's hope Wade gets healthy, and we'll see you then, hopefully with a full report on the Lama's speech.

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Mavericks 97 Heat 91

6 Thoughts

1) Five game winning streak is over. It had to end sometime. Miami is now 29-28, in a bunch at the bottom of the Eastern Conference playoffs standings. 25 games to go, but the schedule now turns. After a brutal January and February on the road, Miami plays 15 out of its last 25 at home. If they miss the playoffs, it won't be the schedule makers' fault.

2) There is really no such thing as a good loss in the NBA - there are too many games, and there are only wins and losses. Having said that, playing for the second straight night without Dwyane Wade, the Heat stuck around all night long on the road, on the second night of a back-to-back, against a very good team. When Udonis Haslem tip-slammed a Daequan Cook miss with 6:30 to go in the fourth quarter, Miami led by a point. Couldn't make enough shots down the stretch, but the effort was admirable - it would have been an easy game to let go big-time, and just head for home.

3) Michael Beasley could not have come out more aggressive or confident looking. Strong drives with both hands, and excellent passes to cutters for easy hoops. He looked like he was finding his swag, and taking on the challenge of the being the leading man with Wade out. 9 points and 5 assists early for Supercool. Absolutely disappeared in the second half, as he has done too many times this season. Got tentative with the ball, scored only 3 points, and didn't have another assist. Still too many one-half games from Mike.

4) TNT commentator Charles Barkley, earlier in the season, compared the Heat's supporting cast to "a bunch of Titos," a slight referring to Michael Jackson's oft-cracked on older brother. That was months ago. Guess who took offense? I mean, major, major offense - Heat color commentator Tony Fiorentino. Finally let it all out tonight when his partner Eric Reid referenced the comment: "You know, Eric,, Charles Barkley is a wonderful entertainer, but I don't know anyone who would take his comments about basketball seriously." Sounded mad - I think it was the first time I have ever heard Tony mad. I didn't even know the gregarious Fiorentino was capable of anger. "Whoa," said Eric, "strong comment." Yes - I think we were all stunned. Show'em what it is, Tony, show'em what it is!

5) I've now watched 91 straight games. I am the Cal Ripken Jr. of Heat blogs, only without the blatant steroid use.

6) Okay, it is, literally, 1:30 am because I had to go to a monster truck rally in Dolphin Stadium tonight before coming home to watch the game. Not feeling funny at all, even though there is probably little funnier than a monster truck rally, all things considered. Just some random thoughts on it - please don't expect them to be funny:

-It is actually, like, a competition, or two competitions. First there is a race, then a free-style competition, where they do jumps and get judged. The judges appeared to be three random people sitting in the crowd. I questioned their credentials to be monster truck free style judges to my neighbor's father-in-law, but he just looked at me like I was insane. To their credit, I thought the right truck won, even though they have this one truck, Gravedigger, which appears to be the overwhelming fan favorite, go last. I thought it was going to be like a Globetrotters thing, and Gravedigger would win no matter what, but he lost by a point.

-The drivers do quick little interviews with the PA announcer after each run and they all seemed like incredibly nice and gracious guys, and appreciative of the fans. Besides one guy from Detroit, I think every other driver was from a Southern town that I had never even heard of. And I live in the South, at least kind of.

-In the freestyle section, at least three guys crashed their trucks on purpose, including Gravedigger. It seems to be the highlight of the show. Like, fans get on their feet and scream and cheer when the guy augurs his 10,000 pound truck into the ground on purpose. I'm not saying they should be alarmed - clearly the crashes were planned - it just paled in comparison to some of the actual super-cool driving the guys did. We had great seats upfront, and it was kind of impressive how the drivers muscled these beasts around. I can't believe I just wrote that.

-I am not sure why O. and P.Minutos love monster trucks - they spend approximately twelve to sixty hours a week playing monster trucks outside in the neighborhood, but I am blaming the neighbor's kid B.D. Although, to be fair, I once owned a Jeep Comanche, so it is not as if the Minutos family doesn't have a long legacy of truck love.

-Highlight: when El Toro Loco crashed and broke off the two giant horns - maybe 7 feet long and bright yellow - that adorned the top of its cab, and then the driver got out, took one of the horns, climbed into the stands, and gave it to a kid wearing an El Toro Loco hat. "That's going to look great in the family room," I told my neighbor's father-in-law.

-Lowlight: probably at the beginning when the PA announcer - PA announcer is the wrong word, he is a guy that works for the tour, and he hosts the entire evening from a little platform in one corner of the stadium - when he was introducing the evening to kick things off, and he gave a long speech about how America is the home of the free and land of the brave, and nobody can stop us, and they were playing, I believe, that Lee Greenwood song I Love America, or whatever, in the background. It wasn't actually a lowlight, because it was super-funny; only a lowlight in the sense that 90% of the crowd didn't realize it was funny. "This is exactly why the terrorists hate us," my neighbor's father-in-law and I agreed.

Light week coming up: games Tuesday and Saturday...

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Heat 100 Grizzlies 87 2ot

6 Thoughts

1) Do I even have to say it? This is what happens when you get your mind right. Without Dwyane Wade (out, day-to-day with a strained calf), without Rafer Alston (out, day-to-day with a sprained hand), without Jermaine O'Neal for the closing moments (fouled out), the Heat got it done on the road in Memphis against a frisky Grizzlies squad. That's five in a row for Miami to ease the record up to 29-27, right on the heels of five straight losses. Nice when a team shows some resolve.

2) Well, it took 150 plus games over two seasons, double overtime, an injury to Dwyane Wade, 25 shots, and a meaningless giveaway foul by Marc Gasol in the waning moments, but Michael Beasley has his first NBA 30 point game! Mike was engaged all night long, made a few long jumpers at key moments, and was the happiest man in Memphis, running off the court with a huge smile and jabbing Dorell Wright as the game came to an end. One more thing: I am absolutely positive that when Gasol fouled him with a few seconds to go, he knew he had 28 and was shooting for 30 - sprinted for the other end to the free throw line. I didn't even know he could move that fast!

3) Quentin Richardson was only 3-8 for 8 points in 41 minutes, with 9 rebounds, but he made perhaps the two biggest plays of the game. Slid crisply across the lane and drew a charge on what appeared to be an easy hoop for Memphis center Marc Gasol, and later, on another Gasol attempt at the rim, went up and roofed him, causing Gasol to slam his layup on the bottom side of the rim. Also threw a brilliant pass late to a cutting Jermaino for a three point play. There are guys that are more talented, there are guys who are...just better, but QRich - he knows how to play. Mind clearly, clearly is right.

4) The opening tip pitted Grizzly ruffian Marc Gasol against Jermaino. The ball went up, they both jumped, and somehow Jermaino drilled Gasol with an elbow in the ear as they landed, aggravating Gasol, who stayed aggravated all night long. After his aforementioned foul on Beas with the game decided, he had finally had enough, and acquired the ball and reared back to mimic throwing it at referee Eli Roe, who seemed to be in an argument with player after player the entire game. Roe didn't see it, but ref Bennie Adams did, and called a technical on Gasol from behind, which was pointless since the game was over and Gasol hadn't really done anything wrong. This entire episode, by the way, sent President QRich into peels of laughter. The moral of this story? Their crew chief is Bennett Salvatore, widely reknowed as the weakest and most erratic offical in the NBA, and he wasn't even the worst referee of the night! On the other hand, he did have the worst hair dye job of the night - when you go from stark white to reddish brown - and you're eighty - that's not going to look good. Get your mind right, Bennett.

Bonus point from M. Minutos) She cited Grizzly coach Lionel Hollins as a "`Clifton Davis type' - he doesn't look like him, exactly - he is just the same type - definitely could have co-starred on an episode of Amen." Judge for yourself:

Clifton Davis:


Lionel Hollins:


And, yes, these are the things we talk about during the games...

5) Miami didn't make any trades at the deadline, which passed on Thursday. They were rumored to be involved with Amare Stoudamire and Carlos Boozer. Both guys are free agents after the season, and Miami can try to sign them without giving up any assets via a trade. That makes sense - neither of those guys were putting them over the top this year. But the Heat did make one subtle move by not trading Dorell Wright. They could have saved several million dollars by trading him due to the way the salary cap and accompanying luxury tax work in the NBA. Almost any team would have traded him and saved the money - he isn't even a starter, and there is no way to cost-justify spending 5 million or so dollars for 25 games of Dorell Wright. But as of late, he has been a contributor, is a good friend of Dwyane Wade's, and has been here since roughly 1982 after being drafted right out of high school. Might he be the difference maker who helps Miami squeak in to the playoffs? Probably not. But, then again, he just might. Cool move by the Heat's owner, Mickey Arison, to let the team hold on to him...

6) Look, we mostly try to stay out of politics here. But every once in a while we feel compelled to address a political issue, express an opinion, or point out the rampant hypocrisy in our system. Tonight, we want to endorse the candidacy of Ted Deutsch (http://www.tedforcongress.com/), who is running for the U.S. House of Representatives in the, ummm, well, some district down here in Southern Palm Beach County. Not sure which one, even though we live in Southern Palm Beach County - gotta be honest with you. But what we do know is that Ted Deutsch is just the guy to clean up politics. He knows how to get in there and try to wash out some of the nastier elements of our system. I mean, in what seems like a pungent cavity of waste and decay, Ted Deutsch will spray a jet stream of integrity, and give us all a fresh new start. Look – we may be in an unsalvageable situation, politically-speaking, but if we are going down, I’d rather go down following Ted Deutsch.

Personally, I haven’t felt this strongly about a candidate since we endorsed Mike Crappo, from Idaho , last year:

Well, I have a new favorite U.S. Congressman, a Republican from Idaho, Mike Crapo. Here is his website: http://crapo.senate.gov/. Won reelection in 2004 in a very tight runoff against longtime political rivals, Ed Asswiper and Will Douchey.

See you tomorrow night in Dallas
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Heat 87 Nets 84

6 Thoughts

1) How many years did that game set back basketball? Ten? Twenty? One thousand? Miami in New Jersey in front of a robust few hundred fans - there presumably to watch Dwyane Wade, rather than the 5-48 Nets - only to watch Wade limp out for the night with a strained calf only 7 minutes into the game. Not only that, Miami's second best player, Jermaine O'Neal, jumped into the air for the one of the first times all year, was undercut by a sprawling Rafer Alston, and crashed down directly on to his back, limiting him to only 22 minutes. Without those two guys, the Heat are the Nets - and the game was on!

2) Ever since he arrived in Miami, folks have been screaming for Mike Beasley to step up, to win a game for the team, to do it when it counts. With six minutes to go in the fourth quarter, Mike re-entered the game with the Heat down 1, and clearly was going to have to deliver for the Heat to have a chance. Annnnnd, he immediately caught the ball at the top of the key and threw a forty mile an hour line drive off the backboard; followed by knocking down Net Kris Humphries 60 feet away from the play; followed by getting doubled-teamed 25 feet from the hoop, and committing a ghastly turnover leading to a Net fastbreak and-one layup. Oh no. Get your mind right, Mike! And then, suddenly, there was Mike driving and scoring in the paint over Brook Lopez; and there was Mike making a tough little fallaway over Yi; and there was Mike getting beat off the dribble, but busting his ass to get back to the rim and come up with an incredible game-winning block on Kris Humphries. 21 points and 11 rebounds, 2 steals and 2 blocks. I'm gonna say it - Mike won the game. Other guys helped - but Mike won the game. Not only that, after the game, an area where Mike has particularly struggled, he said all the right things to sideline reporter Jax: "I just wanted to show my team that they could trust me." It warmed my heart!

3) No DWade, but plenty of QRich - 14 rebounds for the Pres, one huge three, and two big free throws down the stretch amongst his 16 points.

4) Nets point guard Devin Harris - there is a kid who needs to get his mind right. Devin. Devin, can you stop bouncing the ball for a second? Devin. DEVIN!!! I think if it were more socially acceptable, he would never let anyone else on the team ever touch the ball. Devin - Brook Lopez? The huge 7 footer that Miami hasn't stopped all night long? - for God's sake, whatever you do, don't let him touch the ball in the last five minutes of the game. I think we are all starting to understand how an NBA team gets to be 5-49...

5) The NBA's trade deadline is tomorrow afternoon. Miami has supposedly been in pursuit all week of malcontent Phoenix Suns forward Amare Stoudamire. It appears that their main competition for Stoudamire, the Cavaliers, just dropped out of the running by opting to trade for Wizards forward Antawn Jamison - and I think they are going to win the title. This would seem to increase the likelihood that Miami gets Stoudamire - which they are apparently trying to do without putting Mike Beasley, or either of their first round draft picks, into the deal. That would be great. I've advocated making the deal all week even if Mike had to go to Phoenix - but now, I don't know. The kid is now 1-0 as a crunch-time go-to scorer! Mind is right - let's just hope that on Friday, Memphis plays as poorly as the Nets did tonight!

6) Someone just texted me to ask me what my thoughts were on the upcoming Tiger Woods apology press conference this Friday. Look, surprisingly I don't have any advance insight into what he is going to say, but he might want to study the Jersey Shore tapes. Like The Situation says: "five 2s equals a 10!" What? Oh - he's apologizing for the infidelity? Oh, oh, I misunderstood - I thought he was apologizing for the cheesy "hostesses" he was booty-bootying. Got it. Okay, great. I'm gonna watch. Let's hope Tiger is getting his mind right, because I think Mike Lupica is still really, really mad about all this...

Heat 105 Sixers 78

6 Thoughts

1) Okay, okay, okay, All-Star break is over, time for the stretch run, get your mind right, more importantly, keep your mind right. After tonight's blowout win on the road against Philadelphia, Miami is 27-27, bunched right in a group for the last couple of Eastern Conference playoff spots, and finally has the schedule turning somewhat in its favor. After a brutal stretch of road work, 15 of Miami's last 28 are at home. Okay, okay, okay, we are re-set for the stretch, let's do it...

2) The Sixers started the game by throwing the ball on the blocks to The Cadaver Formally Known as Elton Brand three straight times, against semi-engaged defender Mike Beasley, and watched Beasley block two Brand turnarounds and cause a turnover on the third possession. Beasley later had a near steal; corralled two defensive rebounds, only to immediately lose them; and flipped in a bizarre right-handed 9 foot runner in transition. Somehow, suddenly, Mike had become the epicenter of defensive resistance for the Heat - didn't see that coming. Back in the day, Brand against Beasley would have been a total mismatch in the Sixers favor. At this juncture of their careers, that's flipped the other way. Brand exhibited all the explosion off the floor of an English muffin, while Mike was doin' it all. Having said that, Mike has also been at the epicenter of numerous trade rumours this week as Miami reportedly tries to pry Phoenix All-Star Amare Stoudamire away from the Suns. Mike is my boy - just check the pictures on the home page of this blog - but if I can get Amare Stoudamire for him, I'll drive his stash out to Phoenix. Not sure how much will actually make it there, though...

3) Dwyane Wade, of course, was the MVP of the All-Star Game over the weekend in Dallas, much to the delight of Dallas Maverick's owner Mark Cuban, who helped Cowboy owner Jerry Jones host the weekend in Cowboys Stadium. Wade had 28 points and 11 assists in the game - only two other players have ever gone over 25 and 10 in the All-Stars: Oscar Robertson, and Isaiah Thomas. Isaiah Thomas? Okay, maybe there are better lists to be on...I'm just saying...Wade had an easy night, took the 4th quarter off with Miami up 30, and cruised in with a relaxed 24, 6, and 6.

4) Sandwiched around the All-Star break, this was Miami's third straight win, getting them back to .500 after things were looking very, very bleak. For those who like to kill Coach Spo when things are going poorly, give him some credit now - he's made two definitive changes which have worked well in these last three games. One, he is now playing Jermaine O'Neal at the beginning of the second and fourth quarters when Wade is on the bench, allowing Jermaino to be the focal point of the offense in Wade's absence, rather than Mike Beasley. 20 points on 10-15 for Jermaino, who clearly had his mind right, although he seemed grouchy at times - a lot of chirping at the Sixer bench after baskets. With Wade resting, Miami's second unit - featuring Jermaino - pushed a 2 point lead out to 13 by the time Wade got back. Two, the Heat is mixing their defense a little more, showing more zone, showing a little more full court pressure - especially with the second unit, when it is particularly effective against lesser offensive players. Good strategic adjustments by Spo.

5) The game was a blowout, so we are leaving it one spot early. Just keep your mind right, got another game tomorrow in New Jersey, and the Nets will be feeling good after a surprising win in Charlotte this evening. So...went to Animal Kingdom this past weekend - that's in Disney World for you non-Florida readers. Met up with our favorite Dos Minutos reader, Dirk - also, not just a reader, but a dear, dear friend. A fun weekend was had by all, except for five year old P.Minutos who, unfortunately, has a father to whom it never occurred during the 45 minutes he waited in line to ride a Yeti-themed roller coaster - the wait punctuated the entire time by the distant screams from terrified riders on the mountain - that it might be a little intense for a five year old. Man, when that little cart came to a stop at an 80 degree pitch in front of a giant, roaring animatronic Yeti, only to suddenly back up at 110 miles an hour in the pitch dark, bobbing and weaving the whole way, that was not an experience that P.Minutos enjoyed. When we came out of the dark momentarily and I saw his little face wide-eyed in absolute terror, just before we were plunged back into darkness, I could only think one thing: "Oops." On the second thought - Get your mind right, P.Minutos, it's only animatronics, high speeds, and darkness!

6) Okay, so, we have a lot of readers here now - well, by "a lot," I mean more than when we started, but less than a million - and almost all them think we are wrong about everything. We love Coach Spo; many, many readers hate Coach Spo. We love Mike Beasley; many, many readers hate Mike Beasley, but ironically, many, many other readers hate us, because we don't love Mike Beasley enough. Okay. We had one reader assert for like twenty straight games that Dwyane Wade stinks, and another reader claim we should trade Wade and build the team around Mike Beasley. Also, almost no reader liked any of the Rejected Blog Topics, or at least had suggestions on how to improve them - except for the website that tells you what clothes to wear to a concert, which everybody loved, and which wasn't even a Dos idea - it was Dos' favorite reader Thor. Having said all that, there is one thing no one ever questions - with good reason - and that is our command of What White People Do. No one, and I mean no one, has demonstrated as comprehensive and nuanced an understanding of What White People Do than we have here at Dos Minutos. And, what, you may ask, do white people do? I thought I told you that before: they rise to the top, suffer a crippling set-back (crippling only in their own minds - I mean they are successful white guys, how bad could it be), and go into a period in which they "search for themselves." And how do they search for themselves? They grow Troubled White Guy Beards!

Notable examples -

Luke Perry, post-90210 (aka, post-career):


Ben Affleck, post-J.Lo, and suffering through a period as Leading-Hollywood-Liberal-Du-Jour during the second Bush Reich:


And, of course, the most poignant example of all, Ryan Gosling, in the greatest movie ever made, if you take out the parts with the old people, The Notebook, in which he stars as a poor townie who falls in love with Rachel McAdams, only to have her go away to get engaged to a rich guy, sending the dreamy Gosling into a dashingly bearded tail-spin. And, listen, if I get one more email telling me "it's just a movie," I am going to come to your house and smack you in the mouth. It's not just a movie, not to me...


So, clearly, we all should have been on the lookout, we all should have seen this coming...but we didn't. When I say "get your mind right, keep your mind right," this is exactly the kind of thing I am talking about:


Damn you, Jay Leno!

See you tomorrow night in New Jersey...

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