6 Thoughts
1) Ascot Night, boy!!! Jax rockin' the peach ascot!!! And there's more: defense!!! If this team decides to put the other team on lock, someone is going to have a problem. And it's the other team. Miami's perimeter defense was too much for Orlando's wings. They chased them off open threes, an Orlando staple, and made Orlando pound it inside to Dwight Howard - he kept the Magic in it for a half with 19 points, but Miami still led by 6 at intermission, their offense still sputtering along with starts and fits as Wade and James try to mesh their games. But when Miami started the third quarter with: James triple, Wade triple, Wade triple, James drive and feed to Bosh for free throws, LeBron back-to-back runners, it was a 14-0 run, and ballgame. For the second game in a row, Miami had a lead in the high 20s in the third quarter. The offense still isn't there - but the defense is looking like it has a little bit of potential. They put Orlando on lock, boy, choked'em out, like a too tight ascot...
2) First home game of the year. No more "Dwyannnnnnneee Waaaaaaaade" in introductions - PA guy Mike Baimonte going serious on us this year. Like it. But even better - this year's opening video screen montage? "In the Air Tonight!" If you live in or near the MIA, you know when you come rolling over that causeway, you're thinking it - I mean, in my car, we are actually playing it - but you know you are at least thinking it. It's kind of classic MIA. Wade is clearly Crockett, James clearly Tubbs. I guess Bosh is Edward James Olmos, because he speaks Spanish. M.Minutos: "It's like they could have used it any year, but they kept waiting and waiting, just in case, just in case they had a year where they really, really needed it. And that year is here."
3) Beyond the one third quarter spurt which, admittedly, ended the game, James was ordinary on offense again. Lot of ball bouncing - a lot. Starting to think Mo Williams might have been carrying that Cleveland offense more than I thought. He finished with 15 points, 6 boards, and 7 assists. The dirty little secret of the team so far is that Heat fans don't like LeBron yet. He looks uncomfortable on offense. When he is endlessly bouncing the ball and retreating, it feels like he is trying to usurp the team from Dwyane Wade. Not sure "usurp" is a word, by the way. His defense has been menacing, though, he is like a giant free safety ranging around, making it difficult for the other team to swing the ball side-to-side, and they just beat a top 5 NBA team by 26 - if he gets it figured out at all on the other end, this team could be pretty good.
4) Very white Magic guard J.J. Redick took a James elbow to the eye early in the third quarter, felt blood, and instantly strode toward the Magic locker room for attention. Joined by members of the Magic training staff en route, including one young woman who took the opportunity to needlessly shove someone out of the way in the tunnel heading to the locker room. Very purposeful young gal. "Goddamn it, this is J.J. Redick - out of the way! J.J. Redick coming through!!!"
5) New ad on Sunshine/Sunsports, whatever it is. Chris Assmar of Assmar Nissan. Doing his own ads. Looking very Danny McBride-ish - how else could you look if your name is Chris Assmar? Love the dealership, though, quality cars that can really take a pounding. I mean you can ride these cars hard, all day long. Handling: firm and tight. Assmar Nissan: I smell a big success story!
6) Signs a woman does amateur pornography:
1) Big boobs.
2) Wears wire-rimmed glasses so flimsy that you are pretty sure she doesn’t need glasses.
3) Fuscia nail polish, or any “electric” color.
4) Eyeshadow matches nail polish.
5) Shiny, straight hair, parted in the middle. Guys who love amateur porn love that shit, dude.
6) She is a little too assertive, looks even an intimidating guy like me square in the eye.
7) She might be a little overweight – that’s okay in amateur porn, of course, some dudes are feeling it, maybe like black dudes, although I am not sure they watch amateur porn - I always felt that was white guys.
So then here is what could happen if you meet someone like this: so she might be a little overweight, and then she is wearing a jacket, like I said, over a ruffle-y, white, button-down shirt. You know, a total, “succulent-thinly-disguised-as-a-substitute-secretary-from-the-temp-agency-goer-who-comes-into-your-office-to-take-dictation,” kind of role…And just because she is a little overweight, and she has the jacket on, and there are those ruffles, you can’t quite tell how many buttons are undone on her shirt, but you suspect it might be a couple too many. And you don’t want to be the guy who, like, looks, but you know you want to kind of know, even though I am not into amateur porn, at all, or being touched by strange, slightly overweight women, too much. I considered, for a minute, just going all “brash guy” and being, like, “Hey – is your shirt unbuttoned to an inappropriately low level?” But, instead, I fought a losing battle trying to avert my gaze from her bosom – there was a certain point at which I suddenly became conscious that I was staring directly at her chest…when I became conscious of this, for some reason my response was to suddenly twitch my head violently, as if I had Tourette’s, and then rub my eyes fiercely and at length, then re-engage eye contact and smile as if nothing at all had happened. Sad to say, I never could establish whether her shirt was inappropriately unbuttoned or not, but now I realize in the re-telling that if I had only been wearing my glasses, I probably could have figured it out. Why wasn’t I wearing them? Dude, come on, she probably does amateur porn, I didn’t want to look like a Simon!
Sunday against Plumber's 2-0 New Jersey Nets! Break up the New Jersey Basketball Nets!
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