Magic 96 Heat 80

6 Thoughts

1) Well, Dwyane Wade is back, but Miami still lost. Showed a half's worth of life before being methodically ground out by the better and deeper Magic in the second quarter. Miami has now lost 4 straight, after winning 5 straight, preceded by losing 5 straight. Sitting in 9th place, with 22 games to go. 9 of next 10 at home, but some good teams coming to town - the weaker Warriors on Tuesday, followed by the Lakers on Thursday, and Atlanta Saturday. Some guys are going to have to try - hard - to get their minds right...

2)...and candidate number 1 is Mike Beasley. Look, we love Mike and we hate to keep pounding him here, but what are we going to do? The Heat is trying to make the playoffs and convince Wade to re-sign in the off-season. They are struggling. Their biggest problem is their inability to score. Mike's only NBA-level skill is scoring. And then he comes out again today, for the fourth game in a row, and stinks out the entire city of Orlando - and believe me, that takes some doing, Orlando is a brutal, brutal city in which to spend time. It's like living in South Florida, except without the ocean or cultural diversity - it's basically Oklahoma, but hotter. Anyways, Mike was awful - I mean just awful - he had 1 point and 1 rebound in 18 minutes, and got taken apart defensively by Rashard Lewis. Beas played his way off the court in the second half - you couldn't put him out there and still be serious about trying to win. Not sure what's up with the kid these days, but he definitely needs a mind-rightness intervention...

3) Dwyane Wade came back a little rusty, but spirited and had 17 first half points, but finished with just 21 overall, as things generally deteriorated in the second half. Had a little edge to him early, going hard to the basket, drawing fouls, and scowling. Drawing a particularly mean scowl was the frustratingly mellow Vince Carter, who sidled up to Wade during a dead ball after Wade had taken a hard foul to exchange pleasantries. Carter is, to his own detriment, one of the mildest mannered players in the NBA, and looked somewhat taken aback at Wade's death stare. The difference in personalities, though, probably explains some of the success Wade has had relative to Carter - Wade has carried a team to a title, while Carter is seen as one of the bigger underachievers in recent NBA history. I'm rooting for Vince to do well in the playoffs this year, because he seems like a nice guy - it would be great to see him butch up a little, though...

4)...because no one - no one - can do some of the things he has been able to do throughout his career. He is older now, and doesn't have the quickness or the explosion off the floor that he used to. But one underrated skill of Carter's is his shooting - because he takes so many tough shots, it is easy to look at his percentage and not recognize how good his stroke is. But it is sweet. He is incredibly coordinated and gifted athletically - that was on display tonight when, for the third or fourth time I have seen, he got bumped while dribbling, a foul was called, and casually, with the play over, took a three pointer with his left - off - hand. Tonight's went right in - I think he is like 3 for 4 in the times I have seen him try that. Do you understand how hard that is? Forget the three point line, just go out to the free throw line some evening and try to make shots with your off hand. And don't throw it, either - you really have to shoot it, with the reverse form that you use with your dominant hand. Vimpossible!

5) Well, what a surprise - reports out of Cleveland are that rotund, aging center Shaquille O'Neal, who in all fairness has played well of late, will miss the rest of the regular season after injuring his thumb and needing surgery. He is expected back right around playoff time. I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing for the Cavs. One thing you know about Shaq, he isn't going to let his time away from the game while recovering from surgery get him out of shape:



Someone better call Sports Authority because we are going to need an awfully big treadmill...

6) Okay, we haven't checked in with our favorite band Teenage Middleage Rage for awhile - for one thing, they broke up again after reuniting for the smash hit "Jeff Jeffrey Jeff." But the driving force behind the music, Dos' favorite reader Scott, plays on, and we are posting a message from him here:

"What is the best song of all time? Big Bill, Upstairs Dan & Scott J - the Grumpy Old Bastards (GOBS) - vowed to answer that question once and for all, and, with a combined 147 years of music-listening experience, they were uniquely qualified to do so. Weeks of intense thinking, drinking & listening led to the inescapable conclusion that the best song of all time is ... (drum roll) ... "Louie, Louie." They immediately entered the studio to record this old nugget, cleverly changing the name to "Billy, Billy" and recruiting their good friend, Mr JJ Gobsock, to contribute backing vocals. The result is captured in the explosive video below, which has already set the Internets, ethernets, New York Nets and various tennis nets aflame. Enjoy at your own risk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRfu6CDuju0

Also, we'd like to invite you to join the Fa Fa Records Album of the Month Club, which is free to all members of this list (and, indeed, anyone else who might conceivably be interested). Members get a brand-new LP each month from one of the many bands on our roster. February's album is "Reverb Ocean" by The Scott Millers -- 11 tracks of blistering intensity, unbridled enthusiasm and varying musical quality.

Until next time,

GOB ON!"

The only thing we are objecting to here is the premise that "Louie, Louie" is the greatest song of all-time. The greatest five songs of all-time, White Dude category (besides "Jeff Jeffrey Jeff") - at least for today - from 5th best to the best are:

5) The Smashing Pumpkins, "Thirty-Three." Because it is the most wistful and melancholy for angst-y white dudes.

4) Travis, "Sing." Because it is the prettiest, so pretty you ache.

3) The Rolling Stones, "Sway." Because it is the sound of white dudes barely -barely - holding their shit together long enough to play a whole song.

2) Young M.C., "Bust a Move." Because it, along with Rob Base's two monster hits "Joy and Pain" and "It Takes Two," made it okay for white people to like rap music, and for rappers to make hits. And you know you will always sway and bob your head to "Bust a Move," even though it is kind of gay-ish, and you are an aging white dude - just like Clooney in "Up in the Air."

1) The Clash, "Train in Vain." Because it is always the best song, on any list, and it is the most fundamental song ever about the wrongness of certain girls: she said she loved you - that's a fact - but then she left you, said she felt trapped. Ill as hell...

Tuesday, Golden State.

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Bucks 94 Heat 71

6 Thoughts

1) Well...where's all the Mike Beasley supporters now? Where they at? Pipe up, pipe up, make yourself heard. Tough to hear you over the bus that just ran over him, backed up, and ran over him again - I think that might have been your bandwagon's bus, by the way. A game Miami really, really needed, at home, against a team they are battling for a playoff spot, without Dwyane Wade again. I'm not saying the Heat should have won without Dwyane - but at least it would have been nice if Mike showed up. 10 points on 5-14 for Mike in 31 mostly invisible minutes. If Dwyane Wade leaves this offseason, don't underestimate this brutal stretch from Beasley with Wade out as a potential factor - pick it up, Mike, you don't want to be the franchise killer...

2) "Okay, Rafer, bring it up the left side, swing it to Daequan, then look for a dump down to J.O. J.O., if they double hard, spit it quick; if they don't, try to get middle. Then reverse the ball quickly, and somebody please pass it to Mike so he can toss up a half-hearted, flat-footed wing jump shot, watch it rattle off the rim, then shuffle back down court while Luc Mbah a Moute beats him to the rim, catches a pass in stride, and flushes it with authority. One, two, three - break!"

3) Miami has now fallen out of playoff position. They are currently ninth, and fading fast. Realistically, they are right around where they were expected to be, a game under .500. But, Milwaukee (winners of 6 straight), Chicago, and Toronto have all played very well after slow starts. Charlotte, in a virtual deadlock with Miami, started slow, revved up, and have now come back to earth. It looks like 42 wins (out of 82) is necessary to get in to the playoffs. Miami is 29-30, with an almost certain loss in Orlando tomorrow night, with or without Wade. If DW doesn't get back soon, it could look grim - quick, fast, in a hurry!

4) Even the normally unflappable Tony Fiorentino let the poor performance get to him. Began the second half by grousing to Eric Reid that the Miami Herald had not listed Sunday night's game in Orlando as being on Sunsports, but "contrary to what you might read, Eric, it is. How hard is it to put that in the newspaper?" Grump-pee! It is the angriest I have heard Tony since...well, I guess last week, when he took offense to Charles Barkley calling Wade's supporting cast "a bunch of Tito Jacksons." The NBA can be a long, long season, and when things are going badly, it can be frustrating, even for the announcers...

5) On a happier note: it was Kids Day at the Heat's house, and several youngsters participated in the broadcast. The young kid from Belle Glade who interviewed President Obama - and Udonis Haslem - last year was on hand to interview Dwyane Wade and asked him if he could borrow the keys to his proverbial "house." "Nah," said Dwyane, "we ain't that close." The halftime participants on a special edition of "Hot Seconds with Jax" were Jax's kids, Justin and Jordan. They ended up in a tie when Justin, or was it Jordan, - the older one - could only name three songs off Mike Jackson's "Thriller" instead of the necessary four. "P.Y.T.," kid - totally underrated! O.Minutos was impressed with the pair, and P.Minutos instantly demanded that his daddy change jobs to go work for the Heat. I pointed out that it would require a lot of travel and time away from home on my part - I think they took that as an additional selling point. Best of all: the Heat starters were introduced in the pre-game graphics with photos of them as children. Either Rafer Alston's picture was from an older age than the rest of the guys; or, he had a moustache when he was eight.

6) Look, I know a lot of people want to hear about my trip to see the Dalai Lama, but what can I say: he is a chill dude, Phil and I had a great time, and I saw a 42 year old man in a Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt try to make a citizens arrest on another dude for throwing his cigarette butt on the ground before the show in front of the arena. In terms of what he played, he opened with his Cat Stevens "Moonshadow/Peace Train" medley, cranked it up with his blistering version of Seger's "Feel Like a Number," and brought the house down with a racous, guitar-heavy cover of "Sussudio." He's been playing the same show without change essentially since 1959, but somehow it still works. Read more at jamiereviewsthedalailama.com. What I really want to talk about is bobsledding. I just watched the Americans win a bobsledding gold medal for the first time in 62 years. The driver of the car - and by the way, I didn't even realize bobsledding had a driver, I thought you just sat there and slid down the ice - was a guy named Steven Holcomb, who was a fascinating fellow. First of all, he almost had to quit the sport a year ago because he had a degenerative eye condition and could no longer see the track - by the way, he didn't stop driving bobsleds as his vision worsened, according to NBC. One day he showed up and told the coach, "hey, coach, I have to stop driving the bobsled because I can't see the track anymore." That had to make the other guys who had been riding those last few months in his sled feel secure! Then he had a surgical procedure not yet approved in America, and suddenly he could see again - which he said hurt his driving because he could see where he was going too well. Okay, great. Best of all, he is a 'husky' kind of fellow - I wouldn't say he was in great shape - and bobsledding suits are really, really tight. I mean, really tight. I don't know where he was planning to put that gold medal for the ride back to the Olympic Village, but I don't think there was any room left in his pockets. Goodness gracious! Let's back the camera up a little bit, NBC, I feel just like I did the night I saw Janet Jackson's boob at the Superbowl, except the exact opposite...I have to be honest with you, I'm still a little shaken up. I'm going to take a shower...

See you tomorrow night in Orlando.

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Timberwolves 91 Heat 88

6 Thoughts

1) Dwayne Wade and Rafer Alston both still out with a bruised calf and a bruised hand respectively, and Miami lost to the worst team in basketball not headquartered in the New York/New Jersey area. Essentially, without Wade, Miami is Minnesota - still, when you drop to 29-29, just a half-game in front of two teams for the final Eastern playoff spot, someone has to get hammered...

2) ...and that someone is Mr. Michael Beasley. He was indescribably pitiful in this basketball game. First of all, he played 34 minutes and never once jumped. I don't know if that was his game plan coming in, or if he felt like the flow of the action didn't warrant jumping, or what, but, in the future, I'd recommend some jumping. Second, with Wade out, the team dying for scoring, Beasley asking for his teammates' trust, and objecting to Charles Barkley's comments identifying him as a Tito Jackson, he shot 5-18 for 14 points. But it wasn't just bad shooting, it was poor decision making: bad shots, zero inclination to go to the basket, and an inability to swing the ball quickly from side to side with passes. In fact, the last couple of games, Mike has reverted to a bad, bad rookie year habit of catching the ball and either cradling it in one hand and swinging it around carelessly, or bending over at the waist and waving the ball pointlessly in between his legs. One of the first skills they teach you in basketball is when you have the ball to be in "triple threat" position: on balance, ready to drive, pass, or shoot in an instant. Mike is using the "zero threat" position; or, as Plumber likes to call it, "The Vince Carter." Anyways, the reality is, if the Heat get anything out of Mike on this night, they probably win. Let's hope they don't miss the playoffs by one game...

3) And they probably would have won because of Dorell Wright. Career high 6 triples on 7 tries, 26 points and 7 rebounds for DWright. Remember the 5 or 6 million Miami "spent" on him at the trading deadline? He almost saved the game tonight. Along with Jermaino's 18 and 6, they were the only two Heat players to play well.

4) Minnesota rookie Johnny Flynn is short, electrically quick, strong-bodied, and a bad decision machine. He had 16 points on 6-17 shooting, and 5 turnovers, all of them seemingly in the last two minutes when the Heat cut a 10 point deficit to 1. The run also featured Flynn taking a ridiculously poor and quick three point shot off an offensive rebound with a minute to go, and Flynn running into and fouling Quentin Richardson on a three point shot. However, the rookie was unbowed, and his jumper with 35 seconds to go put Minnesota up 3 and was the biggest shot of the game. His point guard skills are limited, but he can score - upside is probably a good backup in the NBA, realistically.

Game didn't go too well overall - let's shift gears a thought early tonight, at #5.

5) Okay, so we get a lot of requests from readers, but most of them are like, “go to Hell,” or they aren’t even technically requests, just statements like, “you suck.” Every so often, though, we get one that is well-reasoned and in those cases we like to do what we can to accommodate it.

So, our favorite reader, Rachel, writes in to say: “I am respectfully requesting Olympics coverage (specifically figure skating) in your blog. I feel it is neglectful for you to ignore this important global event.?

That is a good request – you know what won us over? When she respectfully requested the coverage…

Well, here is some coverage: Sunday night I was researching Nazis on-line and I saw on espn.com that the United States was leading Canada in hockey. I was, like, “oh, I’ll go watch the end of that – The Captain will be so proud of me because he loves hockey.” So I go turn on the tv, and put on NBC – I knew the Olympics were on NBA because Bob Costas is the host, and he is always on NBC (watching him announce NBA Finals games on NBC still gives me the willies). There was some sort of couples skating competition on – I watched for thirty seconds, didn’t see any jumping at all, so I knew, “ahhh, the red-headed step-child of skating: ice dancing!” Because I know about skating. I'm like a cooler Dick Button. So this couple finishes, and the announcers start building up the next couple, saying how they are controversial because they dress up like aboriginals (Aborigines? I honestly don’t know), and then do an interpretation of an aboriginal dance, but they are Russian, and aborigines are all offended and upset, and that gave me two thoughts: One, "I don’t even really know what aboriginals are, or where they are from. They are, like, black dudes from Australia or something, right?" Two, "I am definitely watching this." So they come out – they are very, very white Russian people by the way – and they are wearing light brown jumpsuits with fake white aboriginal tattoos on them, and what looks to be green construction paper leaves in their hair and belts, representing the indigenous clothing of the aboriginals, I guess. The announcers did a split screen to show that they had worn similar outfits at the 2010 World Championships, but had received so much criticism that they were forced to tone the outfits down by making the fake tattoos smaller, and taking off the fake war paint that they wore on their faces in that competition. They do their dance – there was a lot of really bad “tribal” dancing, and, to be honest, some eye-bugging – you know, like crazy natives do – and the color commentator, a women who clearly despised the couple, criticized them the whole way through, and when they ended and the crowd clapped, she said, “a lukewarm reception…at best.” Then their scores came up and they were in first place. They throw out the high and low scores in ice dancing, so the 0.0 that the aboriginal judge gave them didn't hurt too much. I don’t know if they won because right about then I remembered I was trying to watch the hockey game and suddenly realized it was probably showing on MSNBC, which it was, but I turned it on right as it was ending, so I didn’t see any of the game – which were supposedly spectacular – because of the ice dancing. C’est la vie…The Captain is not going to be happy, though. Last year I missed the Superbowl because I was watching a movie - now this...I think I’ll just pretend I saw the hockey…

Other quick Olympic thoughts:

-The Captain is enthralled by openly gay figure skater Johnny Weir. Not because he is openly gay – although The Captain, and Dos Minutos in general, are pleased to see someone just be who they are, unlike that phony Bob Costas – but because PETA criticized him for wearing a real fur on the ice, and he tried to wear a fake one, didn’t like how it felt, and then said, essentially, “screw PETA,” and went back to the real one. The Captain hates activist groups of any kind…

-I watched a little two man bobsled. I didn’t think there was any chance I could make it into the speeding sled to sit down while running along full-speed on ice pushing it, although M.Minutos pointed out that one would probably practice this for a while before just, like, showing up for the Olympics.

-Bode Miller? Not really sure who he is.

-Lindsey Vonn – she is the girl skier who was complaining incessantly about a bruised shin. A bruised shin? You aren’t even running, you are just standing on skis – I think she is in downhill, so there aren’t even turns. Come on, a bruised shin – do you think Jeremy Shockey would be slowed down by a bruised shin? I didn't think so...

6) Big day tomorrow. Going with Dos Minutos' favorite reader, Jamie, to see the Dalai Lama give a speech at Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton. According to the ticket, you aren't allowed to bring air horns, confetti, or weapons in to the lecture hall, and it expressly states that the Dalai Lama does not sign autographs. He will, however, perhaps answer some questions after his speech - I think it is about non-violent resistance, or something - but the questions had to be pre-submitted, via email. Here are the questions Jamie and I submitted:

- "Technically speaking, do you outrank Gandhi, or does he outrank you?"

- "Why do you continue to deny the Holocaust?"

- "Team Pam, or Team Karen?"

- "In Tibet, are you allowed to park your car wherever you want, as long as you aren't blocking anyone in, or creating a safety hazard? By the way, here in Amerika we are not."

- "How tall do you think Tom Cruise actually is?"

- "What is the age of consent in Tibet? Is it, like, a hard and fast law, or more of a guideline?"

- "What do you think of Anton Apollio Ohno, or whatever his name is, getting a shot at being the next Lama? He is kind of Asian, kind of not, sort of like you. If he doesn't work out, you just do what we do in Amerika - set him up with a hooker, call Star Magazine, and wait for him to resign."

- "Have you ever used the 'N' word? Even as a joke?"

- "Do you hate Japanese anime because they have illegally occupied your country by force for the past fifty years?...Wait, what? Oh - never mind..."

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Off until Saturday - long break, let's hope Wade gets healthy, and we'll see you then, hopefully with a full report on the Lama's speech.

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Mavericks 97 Heat 91

6 Thoughts

1) Five game winning streak is over. It had to end sometime. Miami is now 29-28, in a bunch at the bottom of the Eastern Conference playoffs standings. 25 games to go, but the schedule now turns. After a brutal January and February on the road, Miami plays 15 out of its last 25 at home. If they miss the playoffs, it won't be the schedule makers' fault.

2) There is really no such thing as a good loss in the NBA - there are too many games, and there are only wins and losses. Having said that, playing for the second straight night without Dwyane Wade, the Heat stuck around all night long on the road, on the second night of a back-to-back, against a very good team. When Udonis Haslem tip-slammed a Daequan Cook miss with 6:30 to go in the fourth quarter, Miami led by a point. Couldn't make enough shots down the stretch, but the effort was admirable - it would have been an easy game to let go big-time, and just head for home.

3) Michael Beasley could not have come out more aggressive or confident looking. Strong drives with both hands, and excellent passes to cutters for easy hoops. He looked like he was finding his swag, and taking on the challenge of the being the leading man with Wade out. 9 points and 5 assists early for Supercool. Absolutely disappeared in the second half, as he has done too many times this season. Got tentative with the ball, scored only 3 points, and didn't have another assist. Still too many one-half games from Mike.

4) TNT commentator Charles Barkley, earlier in the season, compared the Heat's supporting cast to "a bunch of Titos," a slight referring to Michael Jackson's oft-cracked on older brother. That was months ago. Guess who took offense? I mean, major, major offense - Heat color commentator Tony Fiorentino. Finally let it all out tonight when his partner Eric Reid referenced the comment: "You know, Eric,, Charles Barkley is a wonderful entertainer, but I don't know anyone who would take his comments about basketball seriously." Sounded mad - I think it was the first time I have ever heard Tony mad. I didn't even know the gregarious Fiorentino was capable of anger. "Whoa," said Eric, "strong comment." Yes - I think we were all stunned. Show'em what it is, Tony, show'em what it is!

5) I've now watched 91 straight games. I am the Cal Ripken Jr. of Heat blogs, only without the blatant steroid use.

6) Okay, it is, literally, 1:30 am because I had to go to a monster truck rally in Dolphin Stadium tonight before coming home to watch the game. Not feeling funny at all, even though there is probably little funnier than a monster truck rally, all things considered. Just some random thoughts on it - please don't expect them to be funny:

-It is actually, like, a competition, or two competitions. First there is a race, then a free-style competition, where they do jumps and get judged. The judges appeared to be three random people sitting in the crowd. I questioned their credentials to be monster truck free style judges to my neighbor's father-in-law, but he just looked at me like I was insane. To their credit, I thought the right truck won, even though they have this one truck, Gravedigger, which appears to be the overwhelming fan favorite, go last. I thought it was going to be like a Globetrotters thing, and Gravedigger would win no matter what, but he lost by a point.

-The drivers do quick little interviews with the PA announcer after each run and they all seemed like incredibly nice and gracious guys, and appreciative of the fans. Besides one guy from Detroit, I think every other driver was from a Southern town that I had never even heard of. And I live in the South, at least kind of.

-In the freestyle section, at least three guys crashed their trucks on purpose, including Gravedigger. It seems to be the highlight of the show. Like, fans get on their feet and scream and cheer when the guy augurs his 10,000 pound truck into the ground on purpose. I'm not saying they should be alarmed - clearly the crashes were planned - it just paled in comparison to some of the actual super-cool driving the guys did. We had great seats upfront, and it was kind of impressive how the drivers muscled these beasts around. I can't believe I just wrote that.

-I am not sure why O. and P.Minutos love monster trucks - they spend approximately twelve to sixty hours a week playing monster trucks outside in the neighborhood, but I am blaming the neighbor's kid B.D. Although, to be fair, I once owned a Jeep Comanche, so it is not as if the Minutos family doesn't have a long legacy of truck love.

-Highlight: when El Toro Loco crashed and broke off the two giant horns - maybe 7 feet long and bright yellow - that adorned the top of its cab, and then the driver got out, took one of the horns, climbed into the stands, and gave it to a kid wearing an El Toro Loco hat. "That's going to look great in the family room," I told my neighbor's father-in-law.

-Lowlight: probably at the beginning when the PA announcer - PA announcer is the wrong word, he is a guy that works for the tour, and he hosts the entire evening from a little platform in one corner of the stadium - when he was introducing the evening to kick things off, and he gave a long speech about how America is the home of the free and land of the brave, and nobody can stop us, and they were playing, I believe, that Lee Greenwood song I Love America, or whatever, in the background. It wasn't actually a lowlight, because it was super-funny; only a lowlight in the sense that 90% of the crowd didn't realize it was funny. "This is exactly why the terrorists hate us," my neighbor's father-in-law and I agreed.

Light week coming up: games Tuesday and Saturday...

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Heat 100 Grizzlies 87 2ot

6 Thoughts

1) Do I even have to say it? This is what happens when you get your mind right. Without Dwyane Wade (out, day-to-day with a strained calf), without Rafer Alston (out, day-to-day with a sprained hand), without Jermaine O'Neal for the closing moments (fouled out), the Heat got it done on the road in Memphis against a frisky Grizzlies squad. That's five in a row for Miami to ease the record up to 29-27, right on the heels of five straight losses. Nice when a team shows some resolve.

2) Well, it took 150 plus games over two seasons, double overtime, an injury to Dwyane Wade, 25 shots, and a meaningless giveaway foul by Marc Gasol in the waning moments, but Michael Beasley has his first NBA 30 point game! Mike was engaged all night long, made a few long jumpers at key moments, and was the happiest man in Memphis, running off the court with a huge smile and jabbing Dorell Wright as the game came to an end. One more thing: I am absolutely positive that when Gasol fouled him with a few seconds to go, he knew he had 28 and was shooting for 30 - sprinted for the other end to the free throw line. I didn't even know he could move that fast!

3) Quentin Richardson was only 3-8 for 8 points in 41 minutes, with 9 rebounds, but he made perhaps the two biggest plays of the game. Slid crisply across the lane and drew a charge on what appeared to be an easy hoop for Memphis center Marc Gasol, and later, on another Gasol attempt at the rim, went up and roofed him, causing Gasol to slam his layup on the bottom side of the rim. Also threw a brilliant pass late to a cutting Jermaino for a three point play. There are guys that are more talented, there are guys who are...just better, but QRich - he knows how to play. Mind clearly, clearly is right.

4) The opening tip pitted Grizzly ruffian Marc Gasol against Jermaino. The ball went up, they both jumped, and somehow Jermaino drilled Gasol with an elbow in the ear as they landed, aggravating Gasol, who stayed aggravated all night long. After his aforementioned foul on Beas with the game decided, he had finally had enough, and acquired the ball and reared back to mimic throwing it at referee Eli Roe, who seemed to be in an argument with player after player the entire game. Roe didn't see it, but ref Bennie Adams did, and called a technical on Gasol from behind, which was pointless since the game was over and Gasol hadn't really done anything wrong. This entire episode, by the way, sent President QRich into peels of laughter. The moral of this story? Their crew chief is Bennett Salvatore, widely reknowed as the weakest and most erratic offical in the NBA, and he wasn't even the worst referee of the night! On the other hand, he did have the worst hair dye job of the night - when you go from stark white to reddish brown - and you're eighty - that's not going to look good. Get your mind right, Bennett.

Bonus point from M. Minutos) She cited Grizzly coach Lionel Hollins as a "`Clifton Davis type' - he doesn't look like him, exactly - he is just the same type - definitely could have co-starred on an episode of Amen." Judge for yourself:

Clifton Davis:


Lionel Hollins:


And, yes, these are the things we talk about during the games...

5) Miami didn't make any trades at the deadline, which passed on Thursday. They were rumored to be involved with Amare Stoudamire and Carlos Boozer. Both guys are free agents after the season, and Miami can try to sign them without giving up any assets via a trade. That makes sense - neither of those guys were putting them over the top this year. But the Heat did make one subtle move by not trading Dorell Wright. They could have saved several million dollars by trading him due to the way the salary cap and accompanying luxury tax work in the NBA. Almost any team would have traded him and saved the money - he isn't even a starter, and there is no way to cost-justify spending 5 million or so dollars for 25 games of Dorell Wright. But as of late, he has been a contributor, is a good friend of Dwyane Wade's, and has been here since roughly 1982 after being drafted right out of high school. Might he be the difference maker who helps Miami squeak in to the playoffs? Probably not. But, then again, he just might. Cool move by the Heat's owner, Mickey Arison, to let the team hold on to him...

6) Look, we mostly try to stay out of politics here. But every once in a while we feel compelled to address a political issue, express an opinion, or point out the rampant hypocrisy in our system. Tonight, we want to endorse the candidacy of Ted Deutsch (http://www.tedforcongress.com/), who is running for the U.S. House of Representatives in the, ummm, well, some district down here in Southern Palm Beach County. Not sure which one, even though we live in Southern Palm Beach County - gotta be honest with you. But what we do know is that Ted Deutsch is just the guy to clean up politics. He knows how to get in there and try to wash out some of the nastier elements of our system. I mean, in what seems like a pungent cavity of waste and decay, Ted Deutsch will spray a jet stream of integrity, and give us all a fresh new start. Look – we may be in an unsalvageable situation, politically-speaking, but if we are going down, I’d rather go down following Ted Deutsch.

Personally, I haven’t felt this strongly about a candidate since we endorsed Mike Crappo, from Idaho , last year:

Well, I have a new favorite U.S. Congressman, a Republican from Idaho, Mike Crapo. Here is his website: http://crapo.senate.gov/. Won reelection in 2004 in a very tight runoff against longtime political rivals, Ed Asswiper and Will Douchey.

See you tomorrow night in Dallas
-----

Heat 87 Nets 84

6 Thoughts

1) How many years did that game set back basketball? Ten? Twenty? One thousand? Miami in New Jersey in front of a robust few hundred fans - there presumably to watch Dwyane Wade, rather than the 5-48 Nets - only to watch Wade limp out for the night with a strained calf only 7 minutes into the game. Not only that, Miami's second best player, Jermaine O'Neal, jumped into the air for the one of the first times all year, was undercut by a sprawling Rafer Alston, and crashed down directly on to his back, limiting him to only 22 minutes. Without those two guys, the Heat are the Nets - and the game was on!

2) Ever since he arrived in Miami, folks have been screaming for Mike Beasley to step up, to win a game for the team, to do it when it counts. With six minutes to go in the fourth quarter, Mike re-entered the game with the Heat down 1, and clearly was going to have to deliver for the Heat to have a chance. Annnnnd, he immediately caught the ball at the top of the key and threw a forty mile an hour line drive off the backboard; followed by knocking down Net Kris Humphries 60 feet away from the play; followed by getting doubled-teamed 25 feet from the hoop, and committing a ghastly turnover leading to a Net fastbreak and-one layup. Oh no. Get your mind right, Mike! And then, suddenly, there was Mike driving and scoring in the paint over Brook Lopez; and there was Mike making a tough little fallaway over Yi; and there was Mike getting beat off the dribble, but busting his ass to get back to the rim and come up with an incredible game-winning block on Kris Humphries. 21 points and 11 rebounds, 2 steals and 2 blocks. I'm gonna say it - Mike won the game. Other guys helped - but Mike won the game. Not only that, after the game, an area where Mike has particularly struggled, he said all the right things to sideline reporter Jax: "I just wanted to show my team that they could trust me." It warmed my heart!

3) No DWade, but plenty of QRich - 14 rebounds for the Pres, one huge three, and two big free throws down the stretch amongst his 16 points.

4) Nets point guard Devin Harris - there is a kid who needs to get his mind right. Devin. Devin, can you stop bouncing the ball for a second? Devin. DEVIN!!! I think if it were more socially acceptable, he would never let anyone else on the team ever touch the ball. Devin - Brook Lopez? The huge 7 footer that Miami hasn't stopped all night long? - for God's sake, whatever you do, don't let him touch the ball in the last five minutes of the game. I think we are all starting to understand how an NBA team gets to be 5-49...

5) The NBA's trade deadline is tomorrow afternoon. Miami has supposedly been in pursuit all week of malcontent Phoenix Suns forward Amare Stoudamire. It appears that their main competition for Stoudamire, the Cavaliers, just dropped out of the running by opting to trade for Wizards forward Antawn Jamison - and I think they are going to win the title. This would seem to increase the likelihood that Miami gets Stoudamire - which they are apparently trying to do without putting Mike Beasley, or either of their first round draft picks, into the deal. That would be great. I've advocated making the deal all week even if Mike had to go to Phoenix - but now, I don't know. The kid is now 1-0 as a crunch-time go-to scorer! Mind is right - let's just hope that on Friday, Memphis plays as poorly as the Nets did tonight!

6) Someone just texted me to ask me what my thoughts were on the upcoming Tiger Woods apology press conference this Friday. Look, surprisingly I don't have any advance insight into what he is going to say, but he might want to study the Jersey Shore tapes. Like The Situation says: "five 2s equals a 10!" What? Oh - he's apologizing for the infidelity? Oh, oh, I misunderstood - I thought he was apologizing for the cheesy "hostesses" he was booty-bootying. Got it. Okay, great. I'm gonna watch. Let's hope Tiger is getting his mind right, because I think Mike Lupica is still really, really mad about all this...

Heat 105 Sixers 78

6 Thoughts

1) Okay, okay, okay, All-Star break is over, time for the stretch run, get your mind right, more importantly, keep your mind right. After tonight's blowout win on the road against Philadelphia, Miami is 27-27, bunched right in a group for the last couple of Eastern Conference playoff spots, and finally has the schedule turning somewhat in its favor. After a brutal stretch of road work, 15 of Miami's last 28 are at home. Okay, okay, okay, we are re-set for the stretch, let's do it...

2) The Sixers started the game by throwing the ball on the blocks to The Cadaver Formally Known as Elton Brand three straight times, against semi-engaged defender Mike Beasley, and watched Beasley block two Brand turnarounds and cause a turnover on the third possession. Beasley later had a near steal; corralled two defensive rebounds, only to immediately lose them; and flipped in a bizarre right-handed 9 foot runner in transition. Somehow, suddenly, Mike had become the epicenter of defensive resistance for the Heat - didn't see that coming. Back in the day, Brand against Beasley would have been a total mismatch in the Sixers favor. At this juncture of their careers, that's flipped the other way. Brand exhibited all the explosion off the floor of an English muffin, while Mike was doin' it all. Having said that, Mike has also been at the epicenter of numerous trade rumours this week as Miami reportedly tries to pry Phoenix All-Star Amare Stoudamire away from the Suns. Mike is my boy - just check the pictures on the home page of this blog - but if I can get Amare Stoudamire for him, I'll drive his stash out to Phoenix. Not sure how much will actually make it there, though...

3) Dwyane Wade, of course, was the MVP of the All-Star Game over the weekend in Dallas, much to the delight of Dallas Maverick's owner Mark Cuban, who helped Cowboy owner Jerry Jones host the weekend in Cowboys Stadium. Wade had 28 points and 11 assists in the game - only two other players have ever gone over 25 and 10 in the All-Stars: Oscar Robertson, and Isaiah Thomas. Isaiah Thomas? Okay, maybe there are better lists to be on...I'm just saying...Wade had an easy night, took the 4th quarter off with Miami up 30, and cruised in with a relaxed 24, 6, and 6.

4) Sandwiched around the All-Star break, this was Miami's third straight win, getting them back to .500 after things were looking very, very bleak. For those who like to kill Coach Spo when things are going poorly, give him some credit now - he's made two definitive changes which have worked well in these last three games. One, he is now playing Jermaine O'Neal at the beginning of the second and fourth quarters when Wade is on the bench, allowing Jermaino to be the focal point of the offense in Wade's absence, rather than Mike Beasley. 20 points on 10-15 for Jermaino, who clearly had his mind right, although he seemed grouchy at times - a lot of chirping at the Sixer bench after baskets. With Wade resting, Miami's second unit - featuring Jermaino - pushed a 2 point lead out to 13 by the time Wade got back. Two, the Heat is mixing their defense a little more, showing more zone, showing a little more full court pressure - especially with the second unit, when it is particularly effective against lesser offensive players. Good strategic adjustments by Spo.

5) The game was a blowout, so we are leaving it one spot early. Just keep your mind right, got another game tomorrow in New Jersey, and the Nets will be feeling good after a surprising win in Charlotte this evening. So...went to Animal Kingdom this past weekend - that's in Disney World for you non-Florida readers. Met up with our favorite Dos Minutos reader, Dirk - also, not just a reader, but a dear, dear friend. A fun weekend was had by all, except for five year old P.Minutos who, unfortunately, has a father to whom it never occurred during the 45 minutes he waited in line to ride a Yeti-themed roller coaster - the wait punctuated the entire time by the distant screams from terrified riders on the mountain - that it might be a little intense for a five year old. Man, when that little cart came to a stop at an 80 degree pitch in front of a giant, roaring animatronic Yeti, only to suddenly back up at 110 miles an hour in the pitch dark, bobbing and weaving the whole way, that was not an experience that P.Minutos enjoyed. When we came out of the dark momentarily and I saw his little face wide-eyed in absolute terror, just before we were plunged back into darkness, I could only think one thing: "Oops." On the second thought - Get your mind right, P.Minutos, it's only animatronics, high speeds, and darkness!

6) Okay, so, we have a lot of readers here now - well, by "a lot," I mean more than when we started, but less than a million - and almost all them think we are wrong about everything. We love Coach Spo; many, many readers hate Coach Spo. We love Mike Beasley; many, many readers hate Mike Beasley, but ironically, many, many other readers hate us, because we don't love Mike Beasley enough. Okay. We had one reader assert for like twenty straight games that Dwyane Wade stinks, and another reader claim we should trade Wade and build the team around Mike Beasley. Also, almost no reader liked any of the Rejected Blog Topics, or at least had suggestions on how to improve them - except for the website that tells you what clothes to wear to a concert, which everybody loved, and which wasn't even a Dos idea - it was Dos' favorite reader Thor. Having said all that, there is one thing no one ever questions - with good reason - and that is our command of What White People Do. No one, and I mean no one, has demonstrated as comprehensive and nuanced an understanding of What White People Do than we have here at Dos Minutos. And, what, you may ask, do white people do? I thought I told you that before: they rise to the top, suffer a crippling set-back (crippling only in their own minds - I mean they are successful white guys, how bad could it be), and go into a period in which they "search for themselves." And how do they search for themselves? They grow Troubled White Guy Beards!

Notable examples -

Luke Perry, post-90210 (aka, post-career):


Ben Affleck, post-J.Lo, and suffering through a period as Leading-Hollywood-Liberal-Du-Jour during the second Bush Reich:


And, of course, the most poignant example of all, Ryan Gosling, in the greatest movie ever made, if you take out the parts with the old people, The Notebook, in which he stars as a poor townie who falls in love with Rachel McAdams, only to have her go away to get engaged to a rich guy, sending the dreamy Gosling into a dashingly bearded tail-spin. And, listen, if I get one more email telling me "it's just a movie," I am going to come to your house and smack you in the mouth. It's not just a movie, not to me...


So, clearly, we all should have been on the lookout, we all should have seen this coming...but we didn't. When I say "get your mind right, keep your mind right," this is exactly the kind of thing I am talking about:


Damn you, Jay Leno!

See you tomorrow night in New Jersey...

-----

Rejected Blog Topics

What is up? We are back with this season's first edition of Rejected Blog Topics. These are ideas that we bounced around in Dos Minutos International Headquarters but which never appeared in a post. Generally, that is because they weren't interesting enough, or funny enough, or were considered too offensive - so don't expect too much. Ready? Here goes...

-So we have talked about this before: you know the series of Hanes advertisements which inexplicably feature Michael Jordan gaying it up in his underwear with a series of semi-washed up, sort-of boyfriends? First there was Kevin Bacon, then Cuba Gooding Jr., and finally Charlie Sheen? So we were trying to figure out who would be the next logical Mike Jordan boyfriend for a new series of ads. Number one on our list: Jimmy Smits. Positives: we all immediately know who he is, but he isn't too big for the ads; it would allow Hanes to address the growing Hispanic market; and he wears a wig, like Charlie Sheen. Primary negative: we are not sure he is still alive. If Hanes doesn't like the suggestion, we recommend that Fruit of the Loom jump all over him, and pair him with Clyde Drexler in their own series of gay underwear commercials. By the way, finishing second on our list was Damon Wayans. I reasoned that he would probably be available because it was unclear what he has been doing for the past fifteen years. The Captain said that the only Wayans whom he knew for certain had been doing anything in the past fifteen years was Jim Carrey...

-This is a brand new one: Just watched Anton Aponio Ono, or whatever, win a silver medal in the men's short track speed skate race from the Olympics in Vancouver. Exciting finish in which two Korean guys wiped each other out on the final turn, allowing Ono to medal. As the crash happened and the dudes sped across the finish line, the announcer screamed: "America - if you missed Short Track Speed Skating for the past four years - it's back!!!" I don't know about America, but this American, for one, couldn't be happier...See you in four more years, Ono.

-I may have mentioned this, but at some point over the summer I downloaded Motley Crue's "Girl, Don't Go Away Mad," and listened to it between ninety and two hundred and thirty times in a two week span. Much to the chagrin of M.Minutos. Due to an iTunes snafu, I lost the song - it's like, it wasn't on my iPod any more, nor on my iTunes, and I didn't think to get it again. Well, now I've thought about it - just a warning, M.Minutos...

-As you may have noticed, we spend a lot of time talking about Tiger Woods in Dos IHQs. One day we read that John Daly offered his time and services to Tiger Woods, if he ever needed advice or someone to talk to you. Oh my heavens - this is more serious than even we imagined. If you are going to John Daly for advice, you have major, major problems. The only thing you should be going to John Daly for is vodka to pour into your Arnold Palmer. Or, chicken wings.

-Oh, so a lot of these ideas I write down on to yellow stickies, and just leave them in a pile somewhere. Sometimes later I can't decipher what I wrote, or I just didn't write enough to remember what the RBT was. This note says: "We are all for women getting an equal chance, as long as it is in cooking." That's self-explanatory, that's just common sense. But then it goes on to say: "If Rachel Ray was...no, and you don't see her doing b-ball; left wing conspiracy." Can't quite remember what that was, although it sounds like The Captain railing against Title IX. Remember, these things never made it into the blog for a reason...

-I think this might have made it in to the blog, but our, um, archivist, is, um, out? Worth reiterating. I was ranking the gayest Beatles songs: 1) Eleanor Rigby; 2) Taxman; 3) all the other ones. The Captain stopped the conversation by calling me daft. He doesn't even like The Beatles, though, he just wanted to say the word "daft."

-Our friend Faither from Scotland wrote me the day before New Year's Eve to tell me to get a bottle of Glenmorangie to ring in the new year. Because I like Heat Coach Eric Spoelstra, and Faither is not a fan, and we tend to argue about him from time to time, I couldn't be sure that it wasn't poison, so I didn't do it. If anyone has ever had a glass of Glenmorangie - and lived - let me know.

-This one says: "Joe Namath - dogs." Former Jets quarterback Joe Namath lives near Dos IHQs, and there was something about his dogs, but now I don't remember what it was. I think his dogs were biting people. All I remember is that we saved the article to show to our friend Stu, who is a big Jets fan. Stu is from - shocker - Long Island. What? A Jets fan from Long Island? What were the odds? In a more recent related story, I may or may not have a non-sexual - okay, mostly non-sexual - man-crush on current Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez. During the Superbowl, his smolderingly heartfelt PSA appeal to the ladies to make sure to check for breast cancer because "we need you," has me probing my nipple area every day.

-Here's another one I can only vaguely remember: The Captain and I were worried about the dentist getting our DNA on his fingers. I can't remember why we were worried about it, but I remember how alarmed we were at the time.

-This is a big one. A point of emphasis over the past several months at the IHQs has been on "gravy trains." Guess where they end? Right here, at this blog. Your days of riding on the gravy train are over, people. Do we know what that means? Not really. But believe it.

-Oh, so our favorite reader, Scott, wrote in to ask us who our favorite actress was at Dos IHQs. And by "favorite," we assumed he meant "hottest." At least that's how we took it. Well, we discussed this one day at Scott's request, and for the three hundred and twelfth straight time we have had that conversation, Scarlett Johansson was the winner. Although - and we can't stress this enough - we really, really encourage her to leave the dopey music career alone, and just concentrate on being hot. She recently starred in a movie extremely well-reviewed here, "She's Just Not That Into You," getting groped on a married man's desk in his office. Normally this would be a turn-off, but not in this case. Because the dude? Dos fave Bradley Cooper! Hard to say who was hotter in that scene! We also liked Mila Kunis (but only in Sarah Marshall, not in anything else), Rosario Dawson, and Halle Berry. We thought that the hottest couples were Jay-Z and Beyonce - mostly for Beyonce; and Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe - but mostly for Ryan Phillippe. Least hot: Pink (too potty-mouthed), and Ellen DeGeneres. For the record, The Captain also said he had never been into Uma Thurman that much, but had recently gained new "respect" for her when he saw a naked scene she did in a movie whose name escaped him. I will watch that movie - as soon as I can figure out what it is - and report back here in the blog...

-We asked Plumber for a prediction for the last season of Lost - how did he think it would end? Turned out, Plumber stopped watching it about two seasons ago. Oops! He's back in now, and gave a prediction that the nuclear explosion created two realities and that everyone has to die on the island to live in real life. Also, that Jacob is now in Sayid's body, and that John Locke is the bad guy. Look, it was a dumb idea on my part to ask him that for inclusion in the blog - I know no one cares besides me. My prediction? The gravy train ends for all of them...

-Oh, one day we read a great article in which Frank Stallone claimed that he was really the Stallone who got famous first, and then Sly rode on his back to fame and fortune. Totally counter intuitive.

-Ah, yes. One day I stop in at a gas station to get a bottle of water. I was a little hungry, but I didn't want to eat chips, or candy, so I got this super idea to eat a Slim Jim. Except, you know what? Not a super idea. In fact, a terrible, terrible idea. Had severe stomach cramping for four days, plus the injection of sodium in to my system gave me the mild shakes for about a week. Let this be a warning to you kids out there...

-Number one Dos Minutos song at the moment: "Daddy Needs a Drink," by Drive-By Truckers. Why? I think we all know why...

-Oh, this was from a reader. I think we were talking about terrible performances in movies in the blog, and I think, maybe, it was specifically about terrible Al Pacino performances in movies (basically any performance after about 1982). Our reader thought the definitive terrible Al Pacino performance was in Carlito's Way. Tough for me to say because I never saw it. Was it after 1982? It was 1983? Yes? Okay, I can live with it, that's the winner.

-Bad year for very, very white guys getting divorced: golfer Greg Norman, and CBS announcer Jim Nantz. Very divided on Jim Nantz in our office - Captain thought he would be cool to hang out with. Jim Nantz? Really? Wow.

-I had this excellent idea one day: The Captain, who hates all unions, should start a union, collect dues, and then just keep them, to spite people who would be inclined to join a union. We may do that one, actually, keep this on the down-low.

-So I am working on a Masters degree and ultimately trying to write the definitive historical work on mid-twentieth century Miami. Taking classes at a state university in Florida where, every single time I am there, I lament the fact that I went to college in the northeast at a school where all the girls wore turtlenecks and slacks, and worried about their careers. What a terrible, terrible idea that was. What the hell was wrong with my guidance counselor? That wasn't good guidance at all.

-Okay, several people have asked me if I saw the trailers during the Superbowl for these two upcoming movies, and all I can say is, Yes, yes I did. One, Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston in what appears to be the most incredibly nauseating romantic comedy of all-time - and when I say "nauseating," I am referring, of course, to Gerard Butler - titled...I don't know what it is titled, actually. Two, it's late spring competition: from the director of Gladiator, Ridley Scott; and the star of Gladiator, Russell Crowe; a movie which looks exactly like Gladiator II, except it has a different title. From the trailer, I couldn't even be sure it wasn't just left over footage, although that would be hard to believe because the awful, interminable, hack-fest Gladiator checked in at about six hours. I can neither confirm nor deny that I nearly got into a fistfight at a showing of Gladiator, mostly just because I hated the movie so much, while M.Minutos may or may not have looked on in horror. Anyways, these two movies coming out at the same time may not be an indication of The Rapture, but I wouldn't be too sure.

-Oh, this is mostly for Plumber, I think I forgot to tell him this. The Nets, who are like, 4-48, lost to a really bad team again at home, and The Captain and I were incredulous that they could keep losing those games, and someone goes, "It's just bad teams playing bad. Somebody's going to win, somebody's going to lose, but they're all going to stink."

-Oh, man - I wish I remembered this one. It was something about log cabins. I think someone we know told us he bought a log cabin recently, or something - no, he was looking for an investment property to buy - that's it - and he had seen a log cabin. Oh, yes, that's a sure-fire winner! Where did you see that property? 1865?

-So Brendan Fraser, who always plays a man out of his time in every movie, recently played a man in time in a movie with Harrison Ford. From the trailer, it appeared that Fraser had a sick son, and wanted Harrison Ford to cure him, but there was no cure for that disease yet. I was, like, he should just go back in time to when his son didn't have the disease, and start working on the cure then, but M.Minutos was, like, I wish he would just go back in time to before he was an actor and go to, like, business school...

-You know how James Earl Jones does every voice over on earth because we instantly have to respect his gravitas just because he has a deep voice? Recently, with O. and P.Minutos, watched an MLK special voiced over by another large, three-named black man, Michael Clarke Duncan. When JEJ finds out about this, he is going to be pissed.

-Did we pitch this on the blog yet? Idea for t.v. show: "Low Carb High School."

-Recent one: just went to Disney World, stayed at the Animal Kingdom Lodge. A friend of ours told us, "don't worry - there's a bar there." Oh, good, I was a little worried. We asked if they had regular drinks or only African drinks, and Captain goes, "I'll have a Nigerian Sunrise, and a Double Mandela, extra dry."

-Oh, we asked a Haitian friend of ours if he thought Haitians would like former Heat center Alonzo Mourning as their next president. He goes, "Sure, they would love him, they have never had a professional like that," and we go, "a professional athlete?" and he goes, "No, a professional anything."

-This is a little late, but on Superbowl Sunday I parlayed Brees for MVP, the over, and Will.i.am to suck in whatever capacity he served in on Superbowl weekend, because it was bound to be something. Lost the bet when the game went under.

-We were talking about the iPad one day. We thought it will be cool when we finally get the technology where we don't even need the computer at all - we can just think an email, and it gets sent wherever we want it to go. Right now, of course, the only guy who can do that is Tom Cruise. Scientology, boy!

-Oh, Michelle Obama got elected or something to run a task force on obesity in America. Even The Captain approved of that - he thinks obesity is a problem, and that Michelle Obama is a smart, likable person to work on it. We both agreed on who would not be a smart, likable person to work on it: Hilary Clinton. No kid is going to listen to her - if she tells a kid "no Twinkies," he is going to shove five in his mouth at one time just to defy her. She gives off that vibe. In any case, it was a beautiful moment at Dos IHQs: Dos, an ardent supporter of free speech and parking; and The Captain, hater of unions and George Clooney, putting aside our political differences and coming together over our distaste for Hilary Clinton...

-Great idea by Thor: a website that you use when you are going to a concert. You type in what band you are going to see, where the show is, and maybe how old you are, and it tells you what to wear. Prompted by an incident several years ago when a friend of ours went to a Rob Thomas concert wearing a Rob Thomas t-shirt. I mean, of course, you shouldn't be going to a Rob Thomas concert in the first place - unless you absolutely hate music - but if you do, goodness gracious, don't wear his t-shirt. This website would tell you exactly what to wear. Like, Wilco in Miami, thirty-seven years old: Jeans (slightly faded, no holes), old suede kickers, and a plain v-neck grey t-shirt (not too big or too tight). By the way, you know the one guy who can do this instinctively, without the website? That's right - Tom Cruise...

Alright, sorry to be so long - believe me, there's more, but we'll save them - and we'll see you Tuesday to begin the stretch run...

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Heat 94 Hawks 76

6 Thoughts

1) Gut-check, hang-around-in-the-playoff-chase kind of win, on the road in Atlanta, where the Hawks had been 21-5 this year. Both teams were on the second night of a back-to-back, and both teams traveled last night because the Hawks were in Memphis. In the NBA, that means one thing: the team that sucks it up harder is going to win. Tonight, that was Miami. Gut-check.

2) For the second straight night, the hero wasn't Dwyane Wade (18 and 11 assists), or Jermaine O'Neal (very solid with 19 and 10). Nor Mike Beasley, who continued ten days of fairly terrible play with 7 points on 3-11. Tonight, not even last night's unlikely hero, Dorell Wright, though he too was solid with 10 points and 3 assists. Tonight's hero was Daequan Cook. Daequan has been missing his jump shot all season - I mean all season, like painful-to-watch all season. Then suddenly, with no real warning, with the game tied at 71 in the fourth quarter, Daequan went off: 8 straight points to give Miami the lead, and 13 for the quarter, with 3 triples, as Miami cruised home. Big, big smile for Daequan in the winner's circle with Jax after the game. Had to feel good to struggle for 50 games, then suddenly bring it.

3) Rotation changes afoot the last couple of nights. More playing time for: Daequan Cook and Dorell Wright. Less playing time for: Quentin Richardson and Mike Beasley. No longer featured as go-to scorer on the second unit at the beginning of the second and fourth quarters: Mike Beasley. In for Mike: Jermaine O'Neal. This latter change is smart - why didn't someone think of it sooner? And by someone, I mean at least me. Jermaino spent several seasons as Indiana's go-to crunch-time scorer. Was he good in that role? Well - let's just say he was their go-to crunch-time scorer. But at least he is accustomed to the responsibility, and he is capable of delivering "relief baskets." Toss him the ball on the block, let him face his man, take a dribble, and shoot the jumper - it is a relatively quality look most times. Mike hasn't demonstrated himself capable of handling that responsibility yet, and he's had 50 plus games to try. He tends to catch it at 20 feet, bend over at the waist, and swing the ball down by his legs, then try to work from there. That's the Vince Carter approach to creating offense. Too hard to generate offense from that spot. That he generates any at all is testimony to his shot-making ability. But over the past two weeks, in conjunction with his hyperextended knee, he seems a little out of it. Switching to Jermaino in these spots was smart of Spo, and Miami is 2-0 with it.

4) Tone set in the first half when Udonis Haslem and Joel Anthony came down with a rebound, locked up, and neither would let go, swinging each other back and forth in a frenzy, trying to rip the ball free. By the way, in case you are new to the blog - they are on the same team. Hawks center Al Horford watched for several moments, stunned by the teammates battling over the ball, then politely reached a hand in to the scrum, bailing the refs out by allowing them to blow the whistle and call a jump ball. Thanks, Al Horford, because it is unclear how long they would have battled for! That's how you go get it, though - you see that, Mike Beasley? That's how you go get it!

5) Not to stay on Mike Beasley, but we are going to stay on Mike Beasley one more minute - he seems to respond to these chats. One, you have to get to the line - you can't be a starting NBA power forward whose only plus skill is scoring, and get to the line only an average of three times a game. Especially when you are this good off the dribble. Stop trying to avoid contact, get around your guy, then force the ball to the rim and make them foul you. Yes, you are a little short, and a little underathletic, and you are going to get shots blocked. But this leaning away in hopes of banking in the tough runners off the move must end. Two, had a long chat with Scotland's biggest Heat fan, Faither, about Mike today. Faither loves Mike, thinks he has been mismanaged by the Heat organization, thinks they haven't showed the confidence in him, and that this has hurt his development. Maybe. I don't agree with that, but I have been wrong before. But I'll tell you one thing - if I could trade him for Amare Stoudamire, as it has been rumoured Pat Riley is trying to do, I'd do it in 5 seconds, and never even think about it. I don't think there is any chance Phoenix makes that deal - I am not sure who, exactly, Mike could be flipped for with what he has shown so far in his career, but I don't think it even remotely approaches Amare Stoudamire level yet...

6)Music review: Squid's new album! Just kidding. For real, Hot Chip: “One Life Stand.”

Sounds like: The Pet Shops Boys if…no “if” – are we sure they are not the Pet Shop Boys? Lush, dreamy, synthetic, a little bit jittery around the edges. Singer with an easy, non-aggressive croon. Nothing on this disc is as cool as the dance-y jam “Ready for the Floor” from their last album. "Ready for the Floor" is worth downloading as a single for your iPod.

Good for: A really long road trip, near the end, when you are tired of talking to your wife, and bored of singing along to old Pearl Jam songs.

Bad for: Booty-time. Not amp’d up enough.

Best song: “One Life Stand.” It is like the Pet Shop Boys covering a decent Prince song.

Worst song: “Slush.” Sounds like the Pet Shop Boys mashing up a children’s lullaby with a crappy Elvis ballad – not as good an idea as you would think.

Overall, I give it a 5 out of 10. On the Heat, I think Yakhouba Diawara might like it, ‘cause he’s chill and not from America, but Mike Beasley would hate it because you can’t two-step to it.

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Okay - we have All-Star break until next Tuesday, the Heat are one game under .500, in the eighth and final playoff spot in the East, and still have a ton of games on the road in February, before finishing up with a more forgiving schedule. Also, even with their struggles, still 21 and 1/2 games in front of the 4-48 New Jersey Nets. We'll be at you over the weekend with the year's first edition of RBT's: Rejected Blog Topics. Things that we discussed in the Dos Minutos International HQs which, for one reason or another, never made it in to the blog. See you then!

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Heat 99 Rockets 66

6 Thoughts

1) Yo, Dos lives! Thought I told you that we won't stop - eighty-six straight games watched. Oh yeah - in other news, the Heat break up a five game losing streak and retain their slot in the Eastern Conference playoffs...easily. Five straight on the road next, wrapped around a week break for All-Star weekend. Oh my goodness, Rockets - that was not good!

2) Okay, so the Heat have been struggling, there has been some friction in the locker room, the media (and Faither) are on Spo - there was only one man who could turn this around: Dwyane Wade? Umm, no. Oh, it must have been Michael "SuperCool Jimmy Buckets" Beasley? Nope. Oh, I guess it was Jermaine O'Neal. Ye- no, psyche, it was Dorell Wright! DWright, DNice, if loving Dorell is wrong, I don't want to be Wright! Inserted early in the first quarter when Quentin Richardson picked up two quick fouls, Dorell went nuts, smorgasbord-style. A steal here, a stop there, a rebound, a triple - Dorell was doin' it all. And then did more: seven second quarter assists, as the Heat pushed an 8 point first quarter lead out to a 25 point halftime lead - with Dwyane Wade on the bench for much of that run. Game over.

3) Miami has played Houston twice this year and whupped them twice. And twice, one of the keys has been former Rocket and current Heat point guard Rafer Alston taking his former protegee, Aaron Brooks, out to the woodshed and beating him up. Brooks, the Rockets leading scorer and offensive catalyst, was 3-16 tonight as Rafer out-physicaled him (not sure that's a word), and made 2-4 triples of his own. Rafer's defense has been solid since he's been here. The offense has struggled at times, but the defense has been solid. Aaron Brooks, for one, is happy the Rockets and Heat are done with their season series...

4) Dwyane Wade's normal heroics were not needed tonight - only 17 points in 29 minutes. But after weeks of being frustrated by a stagnant offense, Wade led the way by passing up shots, and making a conscious effort to move the ball in the halfcourt offense. 7 assists for Wade tonight, and Miami held a 19-2 edge in assists by halftime. That's ball movement...Everyone has been on Wade, been on Beas, been on Spo, been on somebody. Sometimes players just have to play...Just make the extra pass and trust that everything will be alright. Move the ball, and shots will go in. "Basketball karma" Heat assistant Keith Askins called that at halftime. Right on.

5) Highlight of the night for the Rockets? By far, Shane Battier's new moustache! It is thirty percent bushier than in this picture, now. Ill! Old-school ill, like polio!



6) Concert Review: Thor, Rick, and I went to see Squid at The Bowl in Dania Beach on Saturday night. I got a new Dodge Charger last week, and drove it down to pick up the boys - that fired us up. Awesome early start to the show: upon paying and entering the venue - a tiny little hole-in-the-wall suitable only for, like, indie bands from Montreal - one overly fired up concert dude whooped "Squuuuuiiiid!" even though it was like two hours before they were coming out, pumped his fist in the air, promptly stumbled over his own feet, and bowled over this young girl, who promptly got up, pushed him in the chest, and screamed, "F*ing douchebag!" By the way, that guy was me. Anyways, the opening band was from Miami, a group called Mai Tie. They were aiight, like a bit of a thrash-punk outfit, but with decent melodies. We checked them out for a while, then retreated to the parking lot for a little while to "get some air." I'm not saying we got sticky or anything, but by the time we decided to go back in, God had seemingly moved The Bowl to the other side of the parking lot somehow....So we get back in, Squid comes out, and starts killing it. Thor - much to our embarrassment, goes into his Running Man dance - again, we may or may not have been sticky - and Rick and I kind of excuse ourselves to go get more beer. We get back, Thor is sweaty and talking to two hot girls. Rick and I introduce ourselves, and it seems fairly obvious that the hot girls are dudes. Ahhh, whatever, they were cool. Squid, of course, is super-squally - the dude from Broken Social Scene bleeds his Fender all over the stage non-stop for like two straight hours. Best song: "German Boy," which is like kraut electronica as played by Jimi Hendrix, and to which Rick bum-rushed the stage before taking an vicious semi-unintentional elbow to the head by a wildly gyrating guy up front. Worst song: "Isabella." Not because it is a bad song or anything - it isn't - but because it is a ballad and it made for a super uncomfortable moment between me, Thor, and the two hot dudes. Got out of there at about 2:30 am, played rock-paper-scissors to see who had to drive home. Rick lost and good-naturedly hopped behind the wheel of the Charger, but not before having one last nip of JWB, "to take the edge off." A good night for all. Squid rocks - I give the show a 9.5 out of 10, just missing a perfect score only because the number the hot dudes gave us turned out to be fake...

Bulls 95 Heat 91

6 Thoughts

1) It's like when you have an old car, and the brakes are stinky, and so you get them fixed, and then you can super, like, stop on a dime, but then the driver's side window won't go down, so you fix that, and then the a.c. goes. And it's summer. And you live in, like, Fort Lauderdale. Or the Equator. Uggghhh.

2) Tonight ball acquisition was really pretty good. Miami outrebounded the Bulls 52-41. Old Jermaine O'Neal was feeling it tonight: 16 rebounds (8 in the first quarter), and he scored 24 points, had 3 blocks and 5 assists. Went "Tilt Jermaino" late in the fourth quarter, spurred on by intense hassling from Bulls professional irritant Brad Miller (whom we love at Dos).

3) Got some shooting from Quentin Richardson, 3 triples and 13 points. That wasn't enough. By the way, Quentin has started virtually every game this year, and has had 7 games in which he didn't score a point. He might be edging up on some kind of record. But tonight he scored 13, and you figure that, coupled with Tilt Jermaino's barrage was the extra push the Heat needed to get a win...

4) ...but no...Dwyane Wade - he was terrible, and thus, Miami really had no chance. He didn't even seem to ever get that invested in the game...Look, pre-season we estimated the odds of his destination this offseason at Miami-85%, Chicago-15%, and New York-5%. I think I am taking Chicago off the list and replacing it with "any other place on Earth." For some reason, Dwyane always struggles in Chicago more than any other building. Part of it is Bulls guard Kirk Hinrich, who lives to guard Dwyane, and defends him well. But Dwyane faces guys like him every night - he just doesn't play well in Chicago...If he wants to sign there this off-season, good luck to him - we'll acquire Kirk Hinrich and know that there are, like, four games we'll win every year right there. To which you might say, "hey, what about the other 78 games, aren't you worried about those," to which I would say, "hey, idiot, it's a joke." Speaking of the other 78 games, as a quick aside, the New Jersey Nets lost again tonight. They're 4-46. Is that even possible? Can someone make sure that our friend Plumber, who is a Nets fan - check that, he's the only Nets fan - is still alive? Can we get some kind of monitor on him, please? And get one ready for me, if this losing continues much longer...

5) Well, we were tied going to the fourth quarter again. And we started Mike Beasley and Udonis Haslem at the power spots again. And instantly, two minutes in, we were down 5 again. And two of the baskets were offensive rebounds (one an "and one") and the other was a short Derrick Rose jumper in the lane. And, once again, we called a timeout and re-inserted a big man, and once again, we never really regained the upper hand in the game. I'm not saying Spo should stop doing this, no, by all means, continue - it could turn around at any moment! Is that overly bitter? I love Spo - I'm sure if he started a big, someone would have dropped consecutive triples. It's that kind of stretch.

6) Well, a lot of ways we could go here at 6 tonight, a joke, a fake celebrity story, a diatribe against the po-lice, what would you like? A joke? Okay, let's go with a joke - just don't expect it to be funny...Did anyone see the cover of Star Magazine in the grocery store the past week? The one with the Octomom on the cover in a bikini? I mean, it is kind of amazing to say, but she looked hot, right? I mean, I couldn't have been the only one who thought she looked at least kind of hot, right? We know she is freaky, a little crazy - that's sexy, right, who knows what is going down in her bedroom! I'm not saying I'm feeling her, or anything, but...I mean, I do also love kids...okay, I like kids...okay, I like my kids...I'm just saying...

Next game is Tuesday vs Houston. Including the playoffs, I have now watched 85 Heat games in a row, dating back to February 22 of last year - haven't missed one all season, an unprecedented Dos run of 51 straight to start a season. Set the all-time Minutos record last year by watching 79 of 82 - that's in serious jeopardy. Thinking about taking Tuesday night off. I could make all kinds of excuses - I have class that night (working on Master's in history, studying about the Nazis this semester - a lot of similarities with Tom Cruise); I have to go to Disney World on Thursday for the weekend; I have a few projects going on at work; the Heat are playing lousy; I am still working feverishly on my "fake memoirs," looking ahead to a 2011 publication date - but, honestly, the pressure of the streak is getting to me. I am having nightmares about tivo malfunctions, and car trouble. This would never have happened to Cal Ripken. Then again, he was on steroids; I'm not. So we may just have to see you when we see you...

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Cavaliers 102 Heat 86

6 Thoughts

1) Coh-neck-tivity problems in Casa Dos, so we are keeping this short. The Heat got smoked. Now 24-26. Still a long February left, with a ton of road games. Miami has to hang in there as hard as they can, try to maintain contact with a playoff spot, and hope that getting off the road in March will help matters. Right now – it’s looking and feeling grim.

2) The Cavaliers were without their top three guards – Mo Williams, Redz West, and Daniel Gibson – although Daniel Gibson arrived late for the second half (wife giving birth). The Cavs didn’t even seem to miss a beat – all it means is LeBron handles the ball more, and he is better than any of those three guards at creating plays for others. Let’s be honest – he’s better at creating plays for others than anyone’s top three guards, probably. He is the most talented basketball player, ever. He is not as efficient yet as Michael Jordan became, but he’s more talented. I mean, he has to win a title this year, right? Has to.

3) Miami’s biggest problem right now is ball acquisition. They are a smallish team. But, worse, they are a slow team. Jermaine O’Neal – underathletic. Mike Beasley – underathletic. Quentin Richardson – underathletic. Rafer Alston – slightly underathletic. All four of those guys start. Miami can’t rebound, and they don’t win 50-50 loose balls. You can’t win games that way. You get fewer possessions and the margin of error shrinks to zero. That’s where they are at right now. What is the solution? I don't know - maybe more alcohol during games for me. More on that in a minute!

4) Another byproduct of being underathletic: 1) you don’t get to the rim; 2) the other team gets to the rim. Cleveland shot 36 free throws to 14 for Miami; LeBron shot 21 all by himself! I don’t think anyone on Miami was happy with the disparity – it did seem to be uneven in what constituted a foul on drives – but the referees really weren’t the deciding factor. The bigger issue is Miami’s inability to keep the ball out of the paint, and then once it gets in to the paint, to provide some quality resistance at the basket.

5) Okay, enough dull-ish, vague complaining – it’s just basketball. New game at Casa Dos: “Bar.” About 7:30 or so, dragged out the pitcher of mojitos…mojito?...mojitai?... and poured a healthy splash over a glass of ice…Okay, a little more than a splash…No garnish – the game is called “Bar,” not “Fancy Caribbean Resort Nightclub.” Sat on the barstool, leaned the elbows out on the kitchen island, glass of mojiti in hand, and fired up the iPod. Boys reading in their room before bed, M.Minutos working on her next bestselling smash-hit novel. Listened to a couple of the songs off the new Help for Haiti album – terrible. I don’t know how forgetting to bring electric guitars to the benefit concert is going to help anyone, anywhere. All it helped me do was to turn off the Help for Haiti album. Then went Drive By Truckers, “Road Cases” (the Dos Jam-of-the-Moment); Mariah Carey, “Honey “(remix with Mase and Diddy); Maroon 5, “Can’t Leave Home Without You” (or something). Refresh drink, then: Lenny Kravitz, “All I Ever Wanted;” Rufus Wainwright, “One Man Guy;” and Mark Mulcahy, “Hey Self-Defeater.” Closed up the bar, shuffled to the loo to, umm, ‘wash my hands,’ didn’t even have to drive home. Put the boys to bed with another episode of “Avatar: The Story – for ages 7 and under,” stretched out on the couch and passed out for twenty minutes. Woke up refreshed, and ready to watch Miami get killed, on Tivo. “Bar” – good game!

6) Wraps are a brutal food.

Celtics 107 Heat 102

6 Thoughts

1) ...and the struggles continue in Boston, to the Celtics, playing without Paul Pierce, and with Kevin Garnett on one leg. Miami now 24-25, under .500, banged up, and playing bad basketball...and a game tomorrow night in Cleveland...Honestly, I might just go see Avatar again tomorrow night - the outcome would be less predictable!

2) Jermaine O'Neal, playing with a bad back, granted - but didn't get a rebound until less than 6 minutes remained in the fourth quarter. Jermaino is 6'11"! Jermaino - come on, brother - you have to want the ball. Not much better: Mike Beasley, who at point late in the third quarter, instead of attacking and catching a defensive rebound, went up and poked it politely to the Celtics' Tony Allen, standing alone at the rim for a layup. In a related story, Miami shot 52% from the floor, but lost the rebounding battle 41-31: ballgame.

3) Celtic point guard Rajon Rondo was unstoppable tonight, 22 points, 14 assists, 6 rebounds, 2 threes with the shot clock going off - Rondo was doing it all. No one could stay in front of him, and the Heat spent most of their time on the defensive end chasing him around the court while he spat the ball to open shooter for easy looks. Skip Alston has been solidly defensively since coming to Miami, but he was overmatched tonight. Rough night for the Heat defense.

4) Okay, like anywhere else, people love to email this dopey little blog with complaints: Coach Spoelstra is a loser! Mike Beasley is too immature! Dwyane Wade is selfish! Jamal Magloire is Canadian! Rarely does anyone actually have any reasonable evidence to present, even if they happen to be right. It is actually cool to know what you are talking about - I know we don't often emphasize that as a country here in Amerika, but I promise you, it is. That being said, I am going to complain about Spo, with evidence - I was furious at Spo tonight at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Since the beginning of last year, he periodically decides to play Udonis Haslem at center, with Mike Beasley at power forward forward. First, both guys are about 6'8". Second, neither guy can jump. Third, one of the two has the general defensive court savvy of George W. Bush. Every time Spo gets it in his head to play those two together, the Heat have trouble defending the rim. And, guess what? The other team heads right to the rim. Miami began the fourth quarter tied - Spo went Haslem, Beasley, and Boston's first three possession of the fourth quarter were: Rondo drive to rim, everyone had to run to him, he spat to Ray Allen for an open 8 footer; Ray Allen drove right to the rim, got fouled, made a free throw; Rasheed Wallace drove right to rim, missed an easy layup, Baby Davis rebounded the ball, made easy layup. Two minutes in, after working hard to get back tied, the Heat were down 5, called timeout, and reinserted Jermaino. Spo: you have to play a big. Have to.

5) It's Black History Month - you know what that means! That's right - members of the Heat organization read short essays at halftime about great black Americans, with video montages and dramatic music playing in the background. In the first montage, in the Bucks game, we gave Coach Spo a 5 out of 10 for his wooden recitation about former Syracuse University running back Ernie Davis. Come on, Spo - sell it a little! But we gave Alonzo Mourning a solid 9 tonight for his dramatic speech on former Celtic great Bill Russell. Had Zo on an 8.5, but late in the piece Zo nailed a section on Russell overcoming racism: "he rooooohhhhzzze above it!" Good job, Zo! Tomorrow night, Heat assistant Ron Rothstein reads an essay he wrote titled: "Andre 3000: Rap Superstar, Fashion Icon, or Both?" Should be interesting!

6) "Is this The Situation?...Hey, it’s me, Tiger. I need a favor – it’s huge…Tiger…Tiger Woods...The golfer?...I was on the news a lot recently because I had, umm, some woman trouble, you know, Las Vegas, hostesses, crashing my SUV in my driveway on Thanksgiving?...I’m Cablinasian?...No?...Really?...Okay, sorry to bother you, man, never mind…”

Bucks 97 Heat 81

6 Thoughts

1) This is bad, very, very bad. You can not get blown out at home, to a mediocre team that you lost to in their building two nights ago, and to a team that is only two games behind you in the chase for the last playoff spot. The Heat is 24-24, and: way wrong the going.

2) Injury report: Dwyane Wade - hobbled with a bad back, but struggled his way to 23 points. He scored the first 11 - it was 11-0 Heat - before the roof started to cave in. Mike Beasley - back with a hyperextended knee, wearing a brace that made him look, somehow, even more land-locked. 16 points on 6-16 for Super. Mario Chalmers - out for a week or two with a thumb injury - the way he is playing right now, that actually constituted a bright spot. Jermaine O'Neal - out with back spasms, and a mild case of Bogut-itis.

3) Look, we don't blame Jermaino - Andrew Bogut is our fourth favorite Australian right now, behind Thor, the kid from Avatar with the awful American accent, and Rod Laver. Approximately six thousand spots ahead of Russell Crowe. Dominated Saturday night, and dominated last night: 22 and 11 on 10-13 shooting. He was awesome - plants his frame in the basket area, receives passes, and flips in shorts hooks with both hands. High, high level player right now - awesome to see him become so good. Milwaukee is definitely a threat to catch Miami and knock them out of the playoffs, and Bogut is, easily, the biggest reason why. He's had injury problems in the past, and it would be terrible - terrible - if he couldn't make it through the rest of this season healthy. Terrible...Right?

4) Late in the first quarter, a wave of substitutions left Milwaukee with Carlos Delfino, Luke Ridenour, Andrew Bogut, and Ersan Ilyasova on the court. Four-fifths of a white wash! Ohhhh, so close. I curse you, fifth man on the court, Luc Mbah A Moute, I really, really curse you.

5) Not too sure what happened from the five minute mark of the third quarter to the end - reading the new J.Crew catalog. This issue, clothes inspired by the beautiful city of Lisbon! Sweet! Where is that, again? It's a city somewhere, right? Not like an ancient city, right, it is still, like, a real city somewhere?

6) Okay, so yesterday it occurred to me that we have added a lot of new readers in recent weeks - more people have asked to be on the email list, and we have received more responses than ever before. And, it seems, a disproportionate number of the new signees and emailers have been women. That's great! So, yesterday in DM Int'l HQs, we talked about ways to get our women readers even more involved, make them feel even more welcome, show them just how much we appreciate them. "Well," said The Captain, "if you want to talk to the ladies, you have to talk about Lady Gaga." Jesus - he's right! He and I pooled all our knowledge about The Ga - here's what we came up with. And, Ladies, remember, this is for you:

- It is pronounced "gah-gah," and not "guh-GAH." We think.
- She hates the paparazzi - it is the only song of hers that I know; yet four-fifths of her career appears predicated on the paparazzi taking pictures of her; by the way, I am not saying that song is awesomely catchy, or anything, but I am pretty sure I know all the words
- She kisses a lot of girls in videos - The Captain pointed out she stole that from Madonna. I said, "she stole lesbianism from Madonna?" He said, "no - bisexuality. Madonna invented bisexuality. You, of all people, should know that."
- She knows more about stuff to put in, on, and around your eyes than anyone, ever. I am pretty sure that in one of the pictures we looked at during our "research" yesterday, she had pancakes on her face. With syrup.
- Do we know where she is from? The Captain and I didn't have any idea. Is she from America? Lisbon?
- Quick quiz: How is Lady Gaga like Dos Minutos? She had an audience with Queen Elizabeth. I saw Queen Elizabeth - twice - on my honeymoon, at Westminster Abbey and at Hyde Park. She was hot! - just kidding. Anyways, The Captain mocked my contention that I had "seen" Queen Elizabeth - "Oh, yeah, I saw her too, I was in Wembley Stadium, and she was there eating bangers and chips!" "I think it is bangers and mash." "Whatever - you didn't see her." Anyways, Lady Gaga asserted that she is a "massive fan" of Queen Elizabeth. Also, was wearing red vinyl for the meeting - Ga, not Elizabeth. The Captain pointed out that the world has changed: "Ten years old, the Queen would have never received someone like Lady Gaga." "Ten years ago? Or one hundred?" "Ten. Although, Prince Harry would have given her a run for her money."

Okay, that's it, that's all we know about Gaga. Ladies, I hope you enjoyed that. Fellas, take good care of your girls. We'll see you for mid-week games, on the road, back-to-back, against Cleveland and Boston - that should be, um, fun?

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