6 Thoughts
1) I'm drunk (ice cold vodka mixed with cranberry and lemonade together, sipped - okay, gulped - out of a thermos while taking kids trick-or-treating), I'm exhausted, and for a third straight game, it was over by halftime. In fact, tonight it was over 5 minutes in - the Nets scored the first hoop of the game before Miami scored, seemingly, the next hundred, and that was that - Nets never made even a semblance of a run. That is seven straight halves of basketball, including the second half in Boston, where Miami has badly outplayed someone. And I wouldn't even say they are playing that well. I have a feeling there may be a lot of games like this during the season...Let's do - quick!...
2) Neither Wade, James or Bosh had to play during the fourth quarter. Wade and Bosh were efficient: Wade 17 points on only 9 shots, with 7 assists and 6 rebounds, and Bosh 18 on 10 shots. LeBron struggled again: turned it over 5 more times - he might be on some kind of record pace - although he did score 20 on 12 shots, including at least 2 or 3 ridiculous coast-to-coast drives through the entire Nets team. James also had 7 rebound and 7 assists. Nets' fan Plumber said it best: "it looked like j.v. versus the varsity."
3)Zydrunas Ilgauskas - FEEL IT! Dropped several looooong jumpers on the way to 10 points and 4 boards in only 18 minutes. He's been really good so far. He comes in and gives a totally different look than Joel Anthony. Anthony is undersized, and scrappy, and tough, but has butter emanating from his very soul, thus making it tough for him to catch passes, let alone score a basket. Z comes in and is, well, tall, and sets a high screen for James, spots up at 20 feet, and swishes jumpers. Well, they aren't exactly jumpers. He made one early tonight, which was the classic - "we-already-can't-stop-Wade-James-or-Bosh-and-if-a-bald-giant-Lithuanian-center-is-going-to-come-in-and-start-ripping-20-foot-set-shots-all-night-just-tell-us-now-and-we'll-go-home-since-we-have-no-chance" shot.
4) Until a late fast break hoop by the Nets, there was some bizarre stat that the Heat hadn't allowed a fast break basket since early in the first game of the season - can't remember exactly what it was. But you can see the mindset of the team - they don't crash the offensive boards much, even though guys like Bosh, Wade, and James all could. Instead, you often see them retreat rapidly when shots go up. Has to be by design - they can match up so well defensively in the half court, really the only way an undermanned team like the Nets can beat them is by getting out and getting open looks in transition. The Heat know if they get back in transition and make you play halfcourt, they are going to make it tougher on your offense than your offense can make it on their defense. Wait - yeah, something like that, you know what I mean. The organization has been defense-first since Riley arrived and this is, by far, the most athletic group they have had. They swallow drivers, run wings off open looks and make them dribble, and then re-swallow those drives. So, so hard to get a good look against Miami in the half court. Case in point: Miami, 29 assists and 8 turnovers; Nets 16 points and 15 turnovers. It isn't the numbers as much as what they represent - Miami is going to get better shots than their opponent almost every night.
5) We have our favorites at Dos Minutos, and then we have our guys who make us want to slit our wrists. With all apologies to Plumber, this Terrence Williams, the Nets backup - well, I don't know position he plays, but when he comes in he starts dribbling all over the court like a crazed lunatic, launching odd-looking jumpers that he releases while still on the way up, and hunts over-ambitious passes. You would definitely show a video of him to your high school team and tell them - "never do this." He plays hard, no doubt, but his decision-making is brutal. Just the over-dribbling alone is brutal. Hit the rare trifecta tonight when on three straight Nets' possessions in the third quarter threw a pass that Wade intercepted for a runout, then a pass LeBron intercepted for a runout, then another pass to Wade for another runout. It was tough to watch. And by "tough," I mean "kind of hilarious." Even M.Minutos, who only has a vague-ish sense of the talents of Terrence Williams, was like, "what in the hell is that kid doing?" Captain: put him on the bad list...
6) I love basketball. It is the only sport I really like. But you know one thing I hate about basketball? I mean, besides Terrence Williams? This blog. You know why? Because for like 7 months out of the year, I feel like this is all I do. And then, like, when you take your kids out trick-or-treating with another dad and his kids, and he is like a dad who knows stuff, this is how the conversations go: "Hey, have you seen that new video on Human Giant/the Nick Swerdlove Show/Laugh or Die (I messed up the names, I am sure, don't f-ing email me that)?" "No, is it good?" "Yeah, it's awesome, I'll email it to you." But guess what? He'll never email it to me, because he will forget, because he will be watching other cool things online, or playing interactive Men of Glory, or Honor, or something on a Playstation or whatever, which I would like to do, too, but instead while he is doing that, I will be writing this dumb blog. And then, because he realizes I don't know any cool online stuff, he goes mainstream for my benefit, even though he thinks it's lame, and then, because I am feeling rattled, and I don't get to see a lot of movies, when he's like, "If you could sleep with any movie star, who would it be?," I'm like, "oh - Paul Walker," and then there is a really awkward silence, and then he is like, "I meant which woman," and then I'm like, "oh, yeah, right - ummm, I can't really think of one right now..." That's what can happen, that's what this blog does to me.
Okay, tonight was a bit of a lame game, but...start the over-aggro emails!!! The prodigal son returns on Tuesday!!! Mike Beasley is in town with his new team, the Minnesota T-Wolves!!! See you then! HIDE YOUR STASH!!!
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Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Heat 96 Magic 70
6 Thoughts
1) Ascot Night, boy!!! Jax rockin' the peach ascot!!! And there's more: defense!!! If this team decides to put the other team on lock, someone is going to have a problem. And it's the other team. Miami's perimeter defense was too much for Orlando's wings. They chased them off open threes, an Orlando staple, and made Orlando pound it inside to Dwight Howard - he kept the Magic in it for a half with 19 points, but Miami still led by 6 at intermission, their offense still sputtering along with starts and fits as Wade and James try to mesh their games. But when Miami started the third quarter with: James triple, Wade triple, Wade triple, James drive and feed to Bosh for free throws, LeBron back-to-back runners, it was a 14-0 run, and ballgame. For the second game in a row, Miami had a lead in the high 20s in the third quarter. The offense still isn't there - but the defense is looking like it has a little bit of potential. They put Orlando on lock, boy, choked'em out, like a too tight ascot...
2) First home game of the year. No more "Dwyannnnnnneee Waaaaaaaade" in introductions - PA guy Mike Baimonte going serious on us this year. Like it. But even better - this year's opening video screen montage? "In the Air Tonight!" If you live in or near the MIA, you know when you come rolling over that causeway, you're thinking it - I mean, in my car, we are actually playing it - but you know you are at least thinking it. It's kind of classic MIA. Wade is clearly Crockett, James clearly Tubbs. I guess Bosh is Edward James Olmos, because he speaks Spanish. M.Minutos: "It's like they could have used it any year, but they kept waiting and waiting, just in case, just in case they had a year where they really, really needed it. And that year is here."
3) Beyond the one third quarter spurt which, admittedly, ended the game, James was ordinary on offense again. Lot of ball bouncing - a lot. Starting to think Mo Williams might have been carrying that Cleveland offense more than I thought. He finished with 15 points, 6 boards, and 7 assists. The dirty little secret of the team so far is that Heat fans don't like LeBron yet. He looks uncomfortable on offense. When he is endlessly bouncing the ball and retreating, it feels like he is trying to usurp the team from Dwyane Wade. Not sure "usurp" is a word, by the way. His defense has been menacing, though, he is like a giant free safety ranging around, making it difficult for the other team to swing the ball side-to-side, and they just beat a top 5 NBA team by 26 - if he gets it figured out at all on the other end, this team could be pretty good.
4) Very white Magic guard J.J. Redick took a James elbow to the eye early in the third quarter, felt blood, and instantly strode toward the Magic locker room for attention. Joined by members of the Magic training staff en route, including one young woman who took the opportunity to needlessly shove someone out of the way in the tunnel heading to the locker room. Very purposeful young gal. "Goddamn it, this is J.J. Redick - out of the way! J.J. Redick coming through!!!"
5) New ad on Sunshine/Sunsports, whatever it is. Chris Assmar of Assmar Nissan. Doing his own ads. Looking very Danny McBride-ish - how else could you look if your name is Chris Assmar? Love the dealership, though, quality cars that can really take a pounding. I mean you can ride these cars hard, all day long. Handling: firm and tight. Assmar Nissan: I smell a big success story!
6) Signs a woman does amateur pornography:
1) Big boobs.
2) Wears wire-rimmed glasses so flimsy that you are pretty sure she doesn’t need glasses.
3) Fuscia nail polish, or any “electric” color.
4) Eyeshadow matches nail polish.
5) Shiny, straight hair, parted in the middle. Guys who love amateur porn love that shit, dude.
6) She is a little too assertive, looks even an intimidating guy like me square in the eye.
7) She might be a little overweight – that’s okay in amateur porn, of course, some dudes are feeling it, maybe like black dudes, although I am not sure they watch amateur porn - I always felt that was white guys.
So then here is what could happen if you meet someone like this: so she might be a little overweight, and then she is wearing a jacket, like I said, over a ruffle-y, white, button-down shirt. You know, a total, “succulent-thinly-disguised-as-a-substitute-secretary-from-the-temp-agency-goer-who-comes-into-your-office-to-take-dictation,” kind of role…And just because she is a little overweight, and she has the jacket on, and there are those ruffles, you can’t quite tell how many buttons are undone on her shirt, but you suspect it might be a couple too many. And you don’t want to be the guy who, like, looks, but you know you want to kind of know, even though I am not into amateur porn, at all, or being touched by strange, slightly overweight women, too much. I considered, for a minute, just going all “brash guy” and being, like, “Hey – is your shirt unbuttoned to an inappropriately low level?” But, instead, I fought a losing battle trying to avert my gaze from her bosom – there was a certain point at which I suddenly became conscious that I was staring directly at her chest…when I became conscious of this, for some reason my response was to suddenly twitch my head violently, as if I had Tourette’s, and then rub my eyes fiercely and at length, then re-engage eye contact and smile as if nothing at all had happened. Sad to say, I never could establish whether her shirt was inappropriately unbuttoned or not, but now I realize in the re-telling that if I had only been wearing my glasses, I probably could have figured it out. Why wasn’t I wearing them? Dude, come on, she probably does amateur porn, I didn’t want to look like a Simon!
Sunday against Plumber's 2-0 New Jersey Nets! Break up the New Jersey Basketball Nets!
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1) Ascot Night, boy!!! Jax rockin' the peach ascot!!! And there's more: defense!!! If this team decides to put the other team on lock, someone is going to have a problem. And it's the other team. Miami's perimeter defense was too much for Orlando's wings. They chased them off open threes, an Orlando staple, and made Orlando pound it inside to Dwight Howard - he kept the Magic in it for a half with 19 points, but Miami still led by 6 at intermission, their offense still sputtering along with starts and fits as Wade and James try to mesh their games. But when Miami started the third quarter with: James triple, Wade triple, Wade triple, James drive and feed to Bosh for free throws, LeBron back-to-back runners, it was a 14-0 run, and ballgame. For the second game in a row, Miami had a lead in the high 20s in the third quarter. The offense still isn't there - but the defense is looking like it has a little bit of potential. They put Orlando on lock, boy, choked'em out, like a too tight ascot...
2) First home game of the year. No more "Dwyannnnnnneee Waaaaaaaade" in introductions - PA guy Mike Baimonte going serious on us this year. Like it. But even better - this year's opening video screen montage? "In the Air Tonight!" If you live in or near the MIA, you know when you come rolling over that causeway, you're thinking it - I mean, in my car, we are actually playing it - but you know you are at least thinking it. It's kind of classic MIA. Wade is clearly Crockett, James clearly Tubbs. I guess Bosh is Edward James Olmos, because he speaks Spanish. M.Minutos: "It's like they could have used it any year, but they kept waiting and waiting, just in case, just in case they had a year where they really, really needed it. And that year is here."
3) Beyond the one third quarter spurt which, admittedly, ended the game, James was ordinary on offense again. Lot of ball bouncing - a lot. Starting to think Mo Williams might have been carrying that Cleveland offense more than I thought. He finished with 15 points, 6 boards, and 7 assists. The dirty little secret of the team so far is that Heat fans don't like LeBron yet. He looks uncomfortable on offense. When he is endlessly bouncing the ball and retreating, it feels like he is trying to usurp the team from Dwyane Wade. Not sure "usurp" is a word, by the way. His defense has been menacing, though, he is like a giant free safety ranging around, making it difficult for the other team to swing the ball side-to-side, and they just beat a top 5 NBA team by 26 - if he gets it figured out at all on the other end, this team could be pretty good.
4) Very white Magic guard J.J. Redick took a James elbow to the eye early in the third quarter, felt blood, and instantly strode toward the Magic locker room for attention. Joined by members of the Magic training staff en route, including one young woman who took the opportunity to needlessly shove someone out of the way in the tunnel heading to the locker room. Very purposeful young gal. "Goddamn it, this is J.J. Redick - out of the way! J.J. Redick coming through!!!"
5) New ad on Sunshine/Sunsports, whatever it is. Chris Assmar of Assmar Nissan. Doing his own ads. Looking very Danny McBride-ish - how else could you look if your name is Chris Assmar? Love the dealership, though, quality cars that can really take a pounding. I mean you can ride these cars hard, all day long. Handling: firm and tight. Assmar Nissan: I smell a big success story!
6) Signs a woman does amateur pornography:
1) Big boobs.
2) Wears wire-rimmed glasses so flimsy that you are pretty sure she doesn’t need glasses.
3) Fuscia nail polish, or any “electric” color.
4) Eyeshadow matches nail polish.
5) Shiny, straight hair, parted in the middle. Guys who love amateur porn love that shit, dude.
6) She is a little too assertive, looks even an intimidating guy like me square in the eye.
7) She might be a little overweight – that’s okay in amateur porn, of course, some dudes are feeling it, maybe like black dudes, although I am not sure they watch amateur porn - I always felt that was white guys.
So then here is what could happen if you meet someone like this: so she might be a little overweight, and then she is wearing a jacket, like I said, over a ruffle-y, white, button-down shirt. You know, a total, “succulent-thinly-disguised-as-a-substitute-secretary-from-the-temp-agency-goer-who-comes-into-your-office-to-take-dictation,” kind of role…And just because she is a little overweight, and she has the jacket on, and there are those ruffles, you can’t quite tell how many buttons are undone on her shirt, but you suspect it might be a couple too many. And you don’t want to be the guy who, like, looks, but you know you want to kind of know, even though I am not into amateur porn, at all, or being touched by strange, slightly overweight women, too much. I considered, for a minute, just going all “brash guy” and being, like, “Hey – is your shirt unbuttoned to an inappropriately low level?” But, instead, I fought a losing battle trying to avert my gaze from her bosom – there was a certain point at which I suddenly became conscious that I was staring directly at her chest…when I became conscious of this, for some reason my response was to suddenly twitch my head violently, as if I had Tourette’s, and then rub my eyes fiercely and at length, then re-engage eye contact and smile as if nothing at all had happened. Sad to say, I never could establish whether her shirt was inappropriately unbuttoned or not, but now I realize in the re-telling that if I had only been wearing my glasses, I probably could have figured it out. Why wasn’t I wearing them? Dude, come on, she probably does amateur porn, I didn’t want to look like a Simon!
Sunday against Plumber's 2-0 New Jersey Nets! Break up the New Jersey Basketball Nets!
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Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Heat 97 Sixers 87
6 Thoughts
1) Order was not restored - not at all, really - but at least Dwyane Wade is back. Seemed to have his legs under him a little bit, was more acclimated to the speed of the game after missing all of preseason, and had 30 points, 7 rebounds, and 4 assists, as the Heat opened up a 26 point lead in the third quarter and cruised in for an easy win which was not nearly as competitive as the score indicated...Let's do - with a geography lesson down in #6.
2) Why was order not restored? Because two of the Three Kings were absolutely terrible. I mean, LeBron James, or as he has now been nicknamed by M.Minutos, "LJ," played approximately somewhere between terrible and horrific. He had 5 first quarter turnovers on his way to a 9! turnover game, and a 5-12 shooting performance. At least 4 of his turnovers led to run outs and baskets on the other end for Philly. Chris Bosh was only vaguely better - had 15 points and 7 rebounds, but again was tentative and non-assertive. What does it say when two of your best three players play extremely poorly and you still beat an NBA team - sort of - that badly? I don't know, man. Are we sure Philly is an NBA team? Wow...
3) So, if Wade was good, and LJ and Bosh were bad, how did the Heat win? Triple. Triple. Triple. Triple. Triple. Triple. Foot-on-line dos. James Jones - never moving from the perimeter and feeling it, 6 of 9 on threes, and 7-10 for the floor for 20 points! Made four second quarter bombs - 3 in one run - to put the Heat up 14, and essentially ended the game. James is the only dude from Miami on the team, distinguished himself in a halftime cooking segment with Jax last year, and now is playing that Mike-Miller-stand-on-the-perimeter-catch-spits-from-LJ-and-Wade-and-stroke-it role while Miller is out. Tonight, he and Wade - that was enough...
4) The boys are back! From now on to be referred to in this blog as The Boyz. Eric Reid, Tony Fiorentino, and Jax - now with a slick-looking, sexy, shaved dome! I'd say they were better than ever, but Eric was hampered late in the game by a hoarse throat. Uh-oh, now that the Heat are back in the limelight, I hope he's not going all diva on us! The pre-game show featured Tony, as always, daintily caressing his mic like a modern-day Dean Martin, talking about the beat down in Boston last night, crooning that there were "a lot of bright spots in that game, Eric." Yes, true. One, Shaq didn't eat anybody. Two, no, that's it - that was the only bright spot. Everything else was terrible. And the game wasn't even on Sunsports, so we had to suffer through it with TNT announcers. But tonight, against crappy Philly, with The Boyz in the saddle, on the first play of the game when Chris Bosh posted, handed off to a baseline-cutting Dwyane Wade, who dunked while Elton Brand remained anchored to the floor like the Liberty Bell, you just had to feel like, "ahhhhhhhh."
5) Coach of the Year race update: Early front-runner, obviously, Doug Collins, new Sixers coach. He has been a head coach in this league three or four different times, each time getting bounced quickly because he is over-emotional, ultra-punitive with his substitution pattern, and his resting heart rate is "heightened panic." The pregame Collins introduction by The Boyz featured a clip of his press introduction to the Philly media which included a highly emotional recounting of the day he was drafted as a player by the Sixers back in the early 70s. Uh-oh. He then went on to call Wade and LJ "two of the best fastbreak players in the NBA;" held up a #20 Sixers uniform with the name Collins, as if he were going to play; claim that he doesn't always like to start his five best players; and sweat through his off-pink shirt halfway through the second quarter, turning it dark purple from mid-navel upwards. Oh, The Boyz also reported he suffered a severe case of vertigo in the preseason, causing him to fall and sustain a concussion. Oh, and he had a near nervous breakdown 8 minutes into the game when his players couldn't hear what set he was trying to call from across the court on an innocuous sideline inbounds play. Oh, and he yanked a starter ninety seconds into the second half for throwing a bad pass. And insisted on making human statue Elton Brand the centerpiece of the team's offense. It is going to be a long, long season for the Sixers' players...A looooong season. And, he, clearly, is the odds-on favorite for coach of the year.
6) Geography time! Who here knew that the Netherlands were part of Europe? Be honest…I thought the Netherlands were part of Scandinavia, and I thought that Scandinavia was a whole separate thing, like up in the ocean, far away from Europe. I do kind of wish that I had not expressed this to The Captain yesterday, because I received a good ten minutes of ridicule, especially when he asked me “Why did you think that,” and I thought about why I thought that, and then I said, “Because people, like, go on cruises to Scandinavia, so I thought it must be apart from other places.” I mean, The Captain already thinks I am a little dopey – he didn’t need more ammunition. So then he said, “What about Portugal,” and then I said, “What about it,” and then he said, “Do you think that is part of Europe,” and I said, “I know it is part of Europe,” and he said, “How do you know that,” and I said, “Because it is down at the bottom near Spain,” and he laughed, and I didn’t know why, but now that I am looking at a map of Europe that I just googled, I see why he was laughing since Portugal is off the western edge of Spain, and not at all where I actually thought it was. Well – we can’t all be fucking Einsteins!
Back Friday vs. Orlando - that's a tough one. Uh-oh, Chris Bosh - I hate to say this so early in your Heat career, but you need to get your mind right!
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1) Order was not restored - not at all, really - but at least Dwyane Wade is back. Seemed to have his legs under him a little bit, was more acclimated to the speed of the game after missing all of preseason, and had 30 points, 7 rebounds, and 4 assists, as the Heat opened up a 26 point lead in the third quarter and cruised in for an easy win which was not nearly as competitive as the score indicated...Let's do - with a geography lesson down in #6.
2) Why was order not restored? Because two of the Three Kings were absolutely terrible. I mean, LeBron James, or as he has now been nicknamed by M.Minutos, "LJ," played approximately somewhere between terrible and horrific. He had 5 first quarter turnovers on his way to a 9! turnover game, and a 5-12 shooting performance. At least 4 of his turnovers led to run outs and baskets on the other end for Philly. Chris Bosh was only vaguely better - had 15 points and 7 rebounds, but again was tentative and non-assertive. What does it say when two of your best three players play extremely poorly and you still beat an NBA team - sort of - that badly? I don't know, man. Are we sure Philly is an NBA team? Wow...
3) So, if Wade was good, and LJ and Bosh were bad, how did the Heat win? Triple. Triple. Triple. Triple. Triple. Triple. Foot-on-line dos. James Jones - never moving from the perimeter and feeling it, 6 of 9 on threes, and 7-10 for the floor for 20 points! Made four second quarter bombs - 3 in one run - to put the Heat up 14, and essentially ended the game. James is the only dude from Miami on the team, distinguished himself in a halftime cooking segment with Jax last year, and now is playing that Mike-Miller-stand-on-the-perimeter-catch-spits-from-LJ-and-Wade-and-stroke-it role while Miller is out. Tonight, he and Wade - that was enough...
4) The boys are back! From now on to be referred to in this blog as The Boyz. Eric Reid, Tony Fiorentino, and Jax - now with a slick-looking, sexy, shaved dome! I'd say they were better than ever, but Eric was hampered late in the game by a hoarse throat. Uh-oh, now that the Heat are back in the limelight, I hope he's not going all diva on us! The pre-game show featured Tony, as always, daintily caressing his mic like a modern-day Dean Martin, talking about the beat down in Boston last night, crooning that there were "a lot of bright spots in that game, Eric." Yes, true. One, Shaq didn't eat anybody. Two, no, that's it - that was the only bright spot. Everything else was terrible. And the game wasn't even on Sunsports, so we had to suffer through it with TNT announcers. But tonight, against crappy Philly, with The Boyz in the saddle, on the first play of the game when Chris Bosh posted, handed off to a baseline-cutting Dwyane Wade, who dunked while Elton Brand remained anchored to the floor like the Liberty Bell, you just had to feel like, "ahhhhhhhh."
5) Coach of the Year race update: Early front-runner, obviously, Doug Collins, new Sixers coach. He has been a head coach in this league three or four different times, each time getting bounced quickly because he is over-emotional, ultra-punitive with his substitution pattern, and his resting heart rate is "heightened panic." The pregame Collins introduction by The Boyz featured a clip of his press introduction to the Philly media which included a highly emotional recounting of the day he was drafted as a player by the Sixers back in the early 70s. Uh-oh. He then went on to call Wade and LJ "two of the best fastbreak players in the NBA;" held up a #20 Sixers uniform with the name Collins, as if he were going to play; claim that he doesn't always like to start his five best players; and sweat through his off-pink shirt halfway through the second quarter, turning it dark purple from mid-navel upwards. Oh, The Boyz also reported he suffered a severe case of vertigo in the preseason, causing him to fall and sustain a concussion. Oh, and he had a near nervous breakdown 8 minutes into the game when his players couldn't hear what set he was trying to call from across the court on an innocuous sideline inbounds play. Oh, and he yanked a starter ninety seconds into the second half for throwing a bad pass. And insisted on making human statue Elton Brand the centerpiece of the team's offense. It is going to be a long, long season for the Sixers' players...A looooong season. And, he, clearly, is the odds-on favorite for coach of the year.
6) Geography time! Who here knew that the Netherlands were part of Europe? Be honest…I thought the Netherlands were part of Scandinavia, and I thought that Scandinavia was a whole separate thing, like up in the ocean, far away from Europe. I do kind of wish that I had not expressed this to The Captain yesterday, because I received a good ten minutes of ridicule, especially when he asked me “Why did you think that,” and I thought about why I thought that, and then I said, “Because people, like, go on cruises to Scandinavia, so I thought it must be apart from other places.” I mean, The Captain already thinks I am a little dopey – he didn’t need more ammunition. So then he said, “What about Portugal,” and then I said, “What about it,” and then he said, “Do you think that is part of Europe,” and I said, “I know it is part of Europe,” and he said, “How do you know that,” and I said, “Because it is down at the bottom near Spain,” and he laughed, and I didn’t know why, but now that I am looking at a map of Europe that I just googled, I see why he was laughing since Portugal is off the western edge of Spain, and not at all where I actually thought it was. Well – we can’t all be fucking Einsteins!
Back Friday vs. Orlando - that's a tough one. Uh-oh, Chris Bosh - I hate to say this so early in your Heat career, but you need to get your mind right!
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Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Celtics 88 Heat 80
6 Thoughts
1) Well, we didn't win the championship yet..Let's not turn this into a referendum (M.Minutos' word - I am not sure what it means) on the team. It really is just one game, against a good team, on the road, with Dwyane Wade seeing his first game action since the end of last season...Let's just do what we do...For the first time this year, without no further ado...
2) Just so we all know where we stand, just so we don't get it twisted, just so we are all straight up and down, just so we are all "Plumber" (keeping it real), let's start the season off on the right note:
3) Okay. That being said: Dwyane Wade looked like a guy tonight who didn't play in the preseason. 4-16, with 6 turnovers. I guess it is fair to point out that he didn't play in the preseason. And he and LeBron looked completely out-of-sync with each other all night - watched each other dribble the ball, ran odd-angle cuts, and missed each other with ill-conceived, ill-timed passes. And still, when Wade hit a step back 3 with under two minutes to go, followed by a James drive, Miami trailed by only 3 with 1:10 left, after being down 18 early. On the road. Against a team that led Game 7 of the Finals last year going into the fourth quarter. Did Miami play well? No, they were pitiful. But they were right there - almost pulled the robbery, as The Sitch would say. I think it will probably get better.
4) Is it too early to hate Chris Bosh? Yeah, it is a little too early to hate Chris Bosh. Forget the 3-11 shooting - it can happen. But it was frustrating that he didn't defend the rim - at all. He didn't stand up to Kevin Garnett - save one first quarter drive and dunk - at all. And worst, with the Heat down 8, with 2 minutes to go, after Garnett had wrenched something on a wrong-footed, awkward jump hook, and the Heat came down and missed a jumper that careened out to the corner, Garnett hobbled after it like, well, like his new teammate Jermaino, and Bosh kind of half-heartedly ran past KG, reached down tentatively, and softly fumbled the ball and tripped out of bounds. Hey, ET-Head: get down on the damn floor and make a play! Jesus - not a good first night for Christopher.
5) The Heat had 9 points in the first quarter. Nine. That's not good. Just want it on the record, so when we look back at this later in the year, we can be, like, "Oh - we got better."
6) Okay, okay, okay - it's all okay, it's just one game, let's not let it get us down. Don't even trip. Let's move on to more important stuff...Read an inspiring news article online last week. Okay, I didn’t read it, but I did read the headline. It claimed that Clarence Thomas’ wife is now demanding an apology from Anita Hill for accusing Clarence Thomas of sexual harassment back in 1972, or whenever that case was. A long time ago, let’s just say. First: Clarence Thomas is married? Ewwww, creepy! White woman? Would have to be, wouldn’t it? Second: Anita Hill, apparently, refused to give the apology. Not only do I applaud her, but I am inspired by her. I would like to take this time to announce that I am not going to apologize for the 1992 incident in which my girlfriend at the time – let’s just her “J” – and I got into a big fight outside my parents’ house in Connecticut. J was late returning to pick me up – I don’t know what I was late for, but I am sure it was super-important – because she had been out picking up a pair of my shoes that I needed shined for a wedding that we were attending that evening. By the way: her friends’ wedding; not my friends. For some reason, I was outside when she got back, and as soon as she got out of the car we got into a big argument. Because, you know, I have always valued punctuality above all other virtues. Also, when a woman does you wrong like she was doing me, you have to tell her what’s what. So we were walking from the driveway to the back door – I didn’t grow up in a fancy house where the garage is connected to the house – still arguing, and she hands me the shoe box. She was claiming I was overreacting, but clearly I wasn’t, obviously, but because she said that, that made me get even angrier, and I suddenly hurled the shoe box as hard as I could in the direction of the house, and, believe me, I am a pretty good thrower. So shoes and box tops, etc, go flying everywhere in to the yard, and she is stunned, and I am feeling great, because I feel like I have finally made my point clear. We go inside, and after a little while, we both calmed down, and agreed to reconcile, and go to the wedding. So I go back out on to the lawn to get my shoes, and in picking them up, I realized she had put something else in the box with my shoes: Lenny Kravitz’ cd “Are You Gonna Go My Way.” And I felt bad – she knew that I loved his previous album, “Mama Said,” and she had tried to make me happy. It was especially thoughtful because she didn’t really like music at all – if I had to booty-booty her one more time while listening to her stupid, fake-hipster, white-bread Edie Brickell cd, it might have thrown me off of booty altogether…So, at the time, while I did thank her for the cd, I didn’t apologize for throwing it, along with the shoes. Why? Because I’m a man, and I did what I had to do..And reading the Anita Hill article the other day, it inspired me to still not apologize for that incident. You know why? Because “Are You Gonna Go My Way” sucked, and it was the beginning of the end for Lenny Kravitz. He never made an album anywhere near as good as “Mama Said” again. And by the way – guess what “Mama Said” is all about? That’s right – pain from bad relationships. Exactly- thought so. I still don’t apologize…
Right back at it tomorrow night in Philly - got to get rid of this funky stench. See u then...
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1) Well, we didn't win the championship yet..Let's not turn this into a referendum (M.Minutos' word - I am not sure what it means) on the team. It really is just one game, against a good team, on the road, with Dwyane Wade seeing his first game action since the end of last season...Let's just do what we do...For the first time this year, without no further ado...
2) Just so we all know where we stand, just so we don't get it twisted, just so we are all straight up and down, just so we are all "Plumber" (keeping it real), let's start the season off on the right note:
3) Okay. That being said: Dwyane Wade looked like a guy tonight who didn't play in the preseason. 4-16, with 6 turnovers. I guess it is fair to point out that he didn't play in the preseason. And he and LeBron looked completely out-of-sync with each other all night - watched each other dribble the ball, ran odd-angle cuts, and missed each other with ill-conceived, ill-timed passes. And still, when Wade hit a step back 3 with under two minutes to go, followed by a James drive, Miami trailed by only 3 with 1:10 left, after being down 18 early. On the road. Against a team that led Game 7 of the Finals last year going into the fourth quarter. Did Miami play well? No, they were pitiful. But they were right there - almost pulled the robbery, as The Sitch would say. I think it will probably get better.
4) Is it too early to hate Chris Bosh? Yeah, it is a little too early to hate Chris Bosh. Forget the 3-11 shooting - it can happen. But it was frustrating that he didn't defend the rim - at all. He didn't stand up to Kevin Garnett - save one first quarter drive and dunk - at all. And worst, with the Heat down 8, with 2 minutes to go, after Garnett had wrenched something on a wrong-footed, awkward jump hook, and the Heat came down and missed a jumper that careened out to the corner, Garnett hobbled after it like, well, like his new teammate Jermaino, and Bosh kind of half-heartedly ran past KG, reached down tentatively, and softly fumbled the ball and tripped out of bounds. Hey, ET-Head: get down on the damn floor and make a play! Jesus - not a good first night for Christopher.
5) The Heat had 9 points in the first quarter. Nine. That's not good. Just want it on the record, so when we look back at this later in the year, we can be, like, "Oh - we got better."
6) Okay, okay, okay - it's all okay, it's just one game, let's not let it get us down. Don't even trip. Let's move on to more important stuff...Read an inspiring news article online last week. Okay, I didn’t read it, but I did read the headline. It claimed that Clarence Thomas’ wife is now demanding an apology from Anita Hill for accusing Clarence Thomas of sexual harassment back in 1972, or whenever that case was. A long time ago, let’s just say. First: Clarence Thomas is married? Ewwww, creepy! White woman? Would have to be, wouldn’t it? Second: Anita Hill, apparently, refused to give the apology. Not only do I applaud her, but I am inspired by her. I would like to take this time to announce that I am not going to apologize for the 1992 incident in which my girlfriend at the time – let’s just her “J” – and I got into a big fight outside my parents’ house in Connecticut. J was late returning to pick me up – I don’t know what I was late for, but I am sure it was super-important – because she had been out picking up a pair of my shoes that I needed shined for a wedding that we were attending that evening. By the way: her friends’ wedding; not my friends. For some reason, I was outside when she got back, and as soon as she got out of the car we got into a big argument. Because, you know, I have always valued punctuality above all other virtues. Also, when a woman does you wrong like she was doing me, you have to tell her what’s what. So we were walking from the driveway to the back door – I didn’t grow up in a fancy house where the garage is connected to the house – still arguing, and she hands me the shoe box. She was claiming I was overreacting, but clearly I wasn’t, obviously, but because she said that, that made me get even angrier, and I suddenly hurled the shoe box as hard as I could in the direction of the house, and, believe me, I am a pretty good thrower. So shoes and box tops, etc, go flying everywhere in to the yard, and she is stunned, and I am feeling great, because I feel like I have finally made my point clear. We go inside, and after a little while, we both calmed down, and agreed to reconcile, and go to the wedding. So I go back out on to the lawn to get my shoes, and in picking them up, I realized she had put something else in the box with my shoes: Lenny Kravitz’ cd “Are You Gonna Go My Way.” And I felt bad – she knew that I loved his previous album, “Mama Said,” and she had tried to make me happy. It was especially thoughtful because she didn’t really like music at all – if I had to booty-booty her one more time while listening to her stupid, fake-hipster, white-bread Edie Brickell cd, it might have thrown me off of booty altogether…So, at the time, while I did thank her for the cd, I didn’t apologize for throwing it, along with the shoes. Why? Because I’m a man, and I did what I had to do..And reading the Anita Hill article the other day, it inspired me to still not apologize for that incident. You know why? Because “Are You Gonna Go My Way” sucked, and it was the beginning of the end for Lenny Kravitz. He never made an album anywhere near as good as “Mama Said” again. And by the way – guess what “Mama Said” is all about? That’s right – pain from bad relationships. Exactly- thought so. I still don’t apologize…
Right back at it tomorrow night in Philly - got to get rid of this funky stench. See u then...
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Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Season Preview!!! (sort of)
I told those guys not to fuck around down in that mine…Anyways, so someone last week was like, "Hey, where have you been, you promised you were going to write weekly posts until the season started,” and I was, like, “Hey, I was down at a wedding in Key West attended by some Dos Minutos readers that I actually like – oh, sorry you weren’t invited…” I know - you're feeling pretty bad now. Get this: tonight, I had dinner with another Dos Minutos reader, and our favorite international friend, Scott from Scotland. And you weren't invited again...But you know what? Let's squash all that nonsense. The season starts next Tuesday – it is almost time to do this. Got to get our minds right, get our acts together, feel this! Therefore, without no further ado, here are our first six thoughts of the year - with a "special announcement/tribute to Plumber" down in #6:
6 Thoughts
1)What is up with all the injuries? Wade strained his hamstring, like, three seconds into the preseason. Emcee Chalmers has nursed a bad ankle all training camp. Eddie House has been out all training camp. LeBron missed a couple of games with a tight hamstring of his own – I think he’s okay now, since he scored 33 points in, like, 9 minutes last night. But now Mike Miller sprained his ankle. It’s a little frustrating. Does it matter? Probably not. Maybe they start a little slower, win a couple less games – as long as they are healthy come spring, it won’t matter at all. But it is annoying.
2) Plumber raises a good question: “Why don’t you watch preseason games?” Answer: “Because they are incredibly boring.”
3) Okay, a lot of people have asked where our ‘Season Preview’ is. Last year, we had a bunch of different Dos readers offer up opinions on the season – this year, we are skipping that, and not only because most of their opinions were more accurate than mine. With the LeBron hoopla and whatnot, there doesn’t even feel like there has been an off-season this year – it’s just been constant basketball, and a nationwide ‘Season Preview’ has been perpetually in progress for the past four months. I mean, ESPN.com now has an entire section of their NBA page dedicated only to the Heat. For those keeping score at home: that’s one section for the Heat, and one section for the other 29 teams combined. I don’t think the world needs another comprehensive season preview about Miami . They have Wade, LeBron, and Bosh – they are probably pretty good. Here is our very abbreviated season analysis:
East playoff teams, in order of finish: Miami, Orlando, Boston , Chicago, Milwaukee, Atlanta, Charlotte, and New York .
By the way, Charlotte and New York are both pretty terrible, but so is everybody else in the conference. I am going with those two because Charlotte defends hard every night, and New York has Amare Stoudamire, who, according to him, discovered and embraced his Hebrew roots this summer, which is always a huge plus in my book. Miami wins the East, plays the Lakers in the Finals. Lakers are the biggest and most physical team, and reigning back-to-back champs; Heat are the most skilled team. I am going Heat in 6 – you know hard it is to win three titles in a row?
That was easy – why does ESPN need a whole section to do that?
4) Just in from the northern-most Dos Minutos office, located in Lake Minnetonka, Minnesota: The Beas Report! 6 preseason games, 21 minutes a game, 13.5 points on 41% shooting, 3.5 rebounds. Ehhhh. Wait – there is more: 4 assists, total, and 22 turnovers! Twenty-two turnovers! That has to be a misprint, right? What in the hell is he doing? That is unconscious – what is he, high?...Okay, don’t answer that...
5) Speaking of high, someone wrote in to ask if we are going to mention the arrest and subsequent dismissal of the drug possession charges of #1 all-time favorite Dos player Udonis Haslem over the summer. Mentioned…Case was dismissed, what’s your problem, Dude-Who-Asked-That-Question? The sticky wasn’t his, it was his passenger’s. Man - who would have believed the po-lice would have fucked that up? Incroyable!...By the way, no verification yet on whether the passenger was or was not Miami-area (specifically US1 in Coral Gables) rapper Dirt Bomb. Listen – just don’t start my season by getting on Udonis’ case. I’ll shut this dumb blog down…
6) Okay, "big announcement/tribute to Plumber:" We will be watching this season in Casa Dos on a new tv! Longtime readers of Dos Minutos may remember the early fall week in 2006, later known as The Week Dos Came Closest to Getting Divorced (second place: every other week of my marriage). To briefly recap for newer readers: M.Minutos was jonesing a new flat panel tv to replace our archaic 6,500 pound full tube set. I believe it was a Trinitron. The expenditure was approved through appropriate channels, conditional upon the new picture being equal to, or better than, the old tv. Throughout the course of the week, M.Minutos shuttled somewhere between four and eleven flat panel televisions in and out of Casa Dos, each one swiftly and summarily rejected (generally in about 90 seconds) by Dos as possessing inferior picture quality to our existing television. By the way, before you get all, "Oh, that's so rude that M.Minutos had to be the one going back and forth to Best Buy," let me point out two things: one, she wanted the new tv; two, it is only about three miles from our house to Best Buy, so she wasn't even driving that far...In the end, we kept the old tv…Flash forward to a month ago, when said existing tv finally expired. Good friend of the blog Plumber had recently purchased a new tv of his own. Plumber is many things, but one strength he consistently demonstrates is a rational, detailed, and methodical approach to solving problems. For his own purchase, he assured me, he had done all the research, learned everything there was to know about the current batch of televisions, and selected a giant 60, or 70, or 80 inch – I forget exactly what – plasma tv for his new family room. Based on his research, and his analysis of my viewing habits and area, he recommended a slightly smaller plasma tv for me. He assured me that plasma was the best technology for sports, action movies, and Lifetime Network’s smash hit Gay, Straight, or Single. One thing I knew: if Plumber recommended it for me, I could rest assured that he was right. So what did I do? Went right out and bought a large LCD tv! Why? Just to be contrary! Why else? That tv only lasted one night, though – plugged it in, and watched an episode of the outstanding George Lopez Show (the sitcom, not the talk show which, obviously, stinks). The LCD picture was so vivid that Lopez actually looked like he was standing in the Casa family room; however, when he suddenly strode across his kitchen in one scene, probably to smack his annoying, whiny teenage daughter, his giant head left an electronic trail the approximate size of the Grand Canyon on my tv screen. With M.Minutos suddenly suffering severe ’06 flashbacks, the tv was instantly declared unsuitable for watching. Desperate, with nowhere to turn, I had to seize on Plumber’s advice and buy a plasma, which I did the subsequent night…So – kudos to you, Plumber, you were right. Since we are entering Nets season, it is unlikely I will be able to say those words to you again until late May…By the way, the new plasma was instantly good, and got even better when M.Minutos suddenly realized that to maximize viewing pleasure, you actually have to watch the separate channels designated for HD…ohhhhhhhh – much better!...This story may not have been funny, but for those of you wondering how life is in Casa Dos – that’s how it is!
See you on Tuesday night for the season opener!!!
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6 Thoughts
1)What is up with all the injuries? Wade strained his hamstring, like, three seconds into the preseason. Emcee Chalmers has nursed a bad ankle all training camp. Eddie House has been out all training camp. LeBron missed a couple of games with a tight hamstring of his own – I think he’s okay now, since he scored 33 points in, like, 9 minutes last night. But now Mike Miller sprained his ankle. It’s a little frustrating. Does it matter? Probably not. Maybe they start a little slower, win a couple less games – as long as they are healthy come spring, it won’t matter at all. But it is annoying.
2) Plumber raises a good question: “Why don’t you watch preseason games?” Answer: “Because they are incredibly boring.”
3) Okay, a lot of people have asked where our ‘Season Preview’ is. Last year, we had a bunch of different Dos readers offer up opinions on the season – this year, we are skipping that, and not only because most of their opinions were more accurate than mine. With the LeBron hoopla and whatnot, there doesn’t even feel like there has been an off-season this year – it’s just been constant basketball, and a nationwide ‘Season Preview’ has been perpetually in progress for the past four months. I mean, ESPN.com now has an entire section of their NBA page dedicated only to the Heat. For those keeping score at home: that’s one section for the Heat, and one section for the other 29 teams combined. I don’t think the world needs another comprehensive season preview about Miami . They have Wade, LeBron, and Bosh – they are probably pretty good. Here is our very abbreviated season analysis:
East playoff teams, in order of finish: Miami, Orlando, Boston , Chicago, Milwaukee, Atlanta, Charlotte, and New York .
By the way, Charlotte and New York are both pretty terrible, but so is everybody else in the conference. I am going with those two because Charlotte defends hard every night, and New York has Amare Stoudamire, who, according to him, discovered and embraced his Hebrew roots this summer, which is always a huge plus in my book. Miami wins the East, plays the Lakers in the Finals. Lakers are the biggest and most physical team, and reigning back-to-back champs; Heat are the most skilled team. I am going Heat in 6 – you know hard it is to win three titles in a row?
That was easy – why does ESPN need a whole section to do that?
4) Just in from the northern-most Dos Minutos office, located in Lake Minnetonka, Minnesota: The Beas Report! 6 preseason games, 21 minutes a game, 13.5 points on 41% shooting, 3.5 rebounds. Ehhhh. Wait – there is more: 4 assists, total, and 22 turnovers! Twenty-two turnovers! That has to be a misprint, right? What in the hell is he doing? That is unconscious – what is he, high?...Okay, don’t answer that...
5) Speaking of high, someone wrote in to ask if we are going to mention the arrest and subsequent dismissal of the drug possession charges of #1 all-time favorite Dos player Udonis Haslem over the summer. Mentioned…Case was dismissed, what’s your problem, Dude-Who-Asked-That-Question? The sticky wasn’t his, it was his passenger’s. Man - who would have believed the po-lice would have fucked that up? Incroyable!...By the way, no verification yet on whether the passenger was or was not Miami-area (specifically US1 in Coral Gables) rapper Dirt Bomb. Listen – just don’t start my season by getting on Udonis’ case. I’ll shut this dumb blog down…
6) Okay, "big announcement/tribute to Plumber:" We will be watching this season in Casa Dos on a new tv! Longtime readers of Dos Minutos may remember the early fall week in 2006, later known as The Week Dos Came Closest to Getting Divorced (second place: every other week of my marriage). To briefly recap for newer readers: M.Minutos was jonesing a new flat panel tv to replace our archaic 6,500 pound full tube set. I believe it was a Trinitron. The expenditure was approved through appropriate channels, conditional upon the new picture being equal to, or better than, the old tv. Throughout the course of the week, M.Minutos shuttled somewhere between four and eleven flat panel televisions in and out of Casa Dos, each one swiftly and summarily rejected (generally in about 90 seconds) by Dos as possessing inferior picture quality to our existing television. By the way, before you get all, "Oh, that's so rude that M.Minutos had to be the one going back and forth to Best Buy," let me point out two things: one, she wanted the new tv; two, it is only about three miles from our house to Best Buy, so she wasn't even driving that far...In the end, we kept the old tv…Flash forward to a month ago, when said existing tv finally expired. Good friend of the blog Plumber had recently purchased a new tv of his own. Plumber is many things, but one strength he consistently demonstrates is a rational, detailed, and methodical approach to solving problems. For his own purchase, he assured me, he had done all the research, learned everything there was to know about the current batch of televisions, and selected a giant 60, or 70, or 80 inch – I forget exactly what – plasma tv for his new family room. Based on his research, and his analysis of my viewing habits and area, he recommended a slightly smaller plasma tv for me. He assured me that plasma was the best technology for sports, action movies, and Lifetime Network’s smash hit Gay, Straight, or Single. One thing I knew: if Plumber recommended it for me, I could rest assured that he was right. So what did I do? Went right out and bought a large LCD tv! Why? Just to be contrary! Why else? That tv only lasted one night, though – plugged it in, and watched an episode of the outstanding George Lopez Show (the sitcom, not the talk show which, obviously, stinks). The LCD picture was so vivid that Lopez actually looked like he was standing in the Casa family room; however, when he suddenly strode across his kitchen in one scene, probably to smack his annoying, whiny teenage daughter, his giant head left an electronic trail the approximate size of the Grand Canyon on my tv screen. With M.Minutos suddenly suffering severe ’06 flashbacks, the tv was instantly declared unsuitable for watching. Desperate, with nowhere to turn, I had to seize on Plumber’s advice and buy a plasma, which I did the subsequent night…So – kudos to you, Plumber, you were right. Since we are entering Nets season, it is unlikely I will be able to say those words to you again until late May…By the way, the new plasma was instantly good, and got even better when M.Minutos suddenly realized that to maximize viewing pleasure, you actually have to watch the separate channels designated for HD…ohhhhhhhh – much better!...This story may not have been funny, but for those of you wondering how life is in Casa Dos – that’s how it is!
See you on Tuesday night for the season opener!!!
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Sunday, October 3, 2010
Summer Review, pt. 2
Okay, training camp has started, and exhibition games are right around the corner. Nothing is more boring than NBA training camps and exhibition games, so we are really just waiting for the games to start, but there is still some outstanding business to address. So let's, ummm, address some of it with a quick check-in...
Mike Beasley is gone, traded to Minnesota for a second round draft pick, in order to create the salary cap room that enabled Miami to sign Wade, Bosh, James, et al. Are you thrilled about that?
Hardly. As much as I did not enjoy watching him play the game of basketball, Mike was the most interesting kid we ever had on this team. He got in two bizarre drug-related incidents, including one where he hid in a closet, and another where he took a photo of himself doing drugs and posted it on Twitter (see the photo on the front page of this blog); during any post-game interview had the general demeanor of a mescaline-head; had the illest ink this side of Li'l Wayne; and played one game with an eight foot tall afro. And, believe me, that is a very abbreviated list...When you have to write eighty-two game blogs a year, a guy like Mike Beasley is a godsend. What am I going to make fun of now, Eddie House's headband and "developing" waistline? Mike - I love you, I will root for you. Keep it supercool, Jimmy Buckets!!!
What are we going to call LeBron James?
To be honest, I didn't really follow his career much until July, but from what I can tell, it seems like a lot of people called him either 'LBJ' or 'King James." I propose that we retire both of those as the intellectual property of Cleveland. For a long while this summer he sported a wicked awesome Amish beard (Troubled Black Dude Beard?), so we thought about calling him John Book, but he shaved it off for training camp. From all reports, he is looking lean, focused, and distributing the ball like a modern day Magic Johnson with hops. I say we keep it simple: "James." We call him "James."
What is one thing people forget about this team?
Chris Bosh demands a double-team in the mid-post. People forget that. You can't guard him with one guy. He has a sweet jumper, is arguably the quickest power forward in the league, and an excellent free throw shooter. I have seen him torch Udonis Haslem. Many times. And UD isn't a guy who gets torched a lot. Bosh isn't going to be the featured guy - obviously. But there will be plenty of times Wade or James, or both, will be on the bench, and Chris Bosh is a better third offensive option than anyone else's third offensive option.
What is another thing people forget about this team?
They were a pretty blah offensive team last year - but they won 47 games because they were a top 5 defensive team, statistically. And they had some limited - lim. it. ted. - guys athletically (I love you Jermaino). Exit The Pres Quentin Richardson (RIP Pres), who was solid defensively but limited by his size and athleticism, and enter James, the best defensive small forward in the league. Exit the short, slow, and somewhat addled Mike Beasley, and enter Chris Bosh, who is quicker, longer, and smarter than Mike. Already you are better defensively. Now factor in that Wade, James, and Bosh can expend less energy at the offensive end than they have ever had to before. Now realize that the franchise's culture is all about getting stops - Wade has referred to it repeatedly during training camp ("I think we'll be okay offensively - but the one thing I know is that we will be good defensively")...In a big game, in a big spot, this isn't going to be a fun team to try to score on...
What is your favorite new tv show?
Well, of course, it's the new smash hit on Bravo, "Gay, Straight, or Taken." Basic premise: a young, single woman ranging anywhere from "reasonably good-looking" to "very attractive," meets three guys ranging anywhere from "super gay" to "the gayest human being ever to walk on the planet Earth." She goes on a series of contrived tv dates with each one: "I really think I will be able to learn a lot about him from this archery lesson..." Then, she has to try to guess which one is gay, which one is straight and available, and which one is already taken. If she guesses correctly, she and the single straight guy go on a dream vacation, which is probably to, like, Cozumel. If she guesses incorrectly, the person that she incorrectly picked gets to go on the vacation with his partner. It is incredibly challenging to figure out who the straight available guy is because the dates are so short and fake, because the show is obviously heavily edited, and because, as I said, there has never been one guy on the show whom you would even consider for a moment is not gay...We actually got a complaint lately that we write too much about gay things, and that might mean I am gay - look, if you meant that as an insult, I don't know what to tell you...This is the greatest show currently on tv, maybe of all-time, and I don't care if they are gay, if I am gay, if you are gay - all I know is that as soon as I post this blog entry, I am going right over to the new tv to watch some of the sixty-five episodes I've got saved up on the dvr...
We've got about three weeks left until the season starts. We'll check in a couple of times before then with a more formal season preview (perhaps), and The Summer of 2010 Television Saga (for certain). Until then, don't front...
Mike Beasley is gone, traded to Minnesota for a second round draft pick, in order to create the salary cap room that enabled Miami to sign Wade, Bosh, James, et al. Are you thrilled about that?
Hardly. As much as I did not enjoy watching him play the game of basketball, Mike was the most interesting kid we ever had on this team. He got in two bizarre drug-related incidents, including one where he hid in a closet, and another where he took a photo of himself doing drugs and posted it on Twitter (see the photo on the front page of this blog); during any post-game interview had the general demeanor of a mescaline-head; had the illest ink this side of Li'l Wayne; and played one game with an eight foot tall afro. And, believe me, that is a very abbreviated list...When you have to write eighty-two game blogs a year, a guy like Mike Beasley is a godsend. What am I going to make fun of now, Eddie House's headband and "developing" waistline? Mike - I love you, I will root for you. Keep it supercool, Jimmy Buckets!!!
What are we going to call LeBron James?
To be honest, I didn't really follow his career much until July, but from what I can tell, it seems like a lot of people called him either 'LBJ' or 'King James." I propose that we retire both of those as the intellectual property of Cleveland. For a long while this summer he sported a wicked awesome Amish beard (Troubled Black Dude Beard?), so we thought about calling him John Book, but he shaved it off for training camp. From all reports, he is looking lean, focused, and distributing the ball like a modern day Magic Johnson with hops. I say we keep it simple: "James." We call him "James."
What is one thing people forget about this team?
Chris Bosh demands a double-team in the mid-post. People forget that. You can't guard him with one guy. He has a sweet jumper, is arguably the quickest power forward in the league, and an excellent free throw shooter. I have seen him torch Udonis Haslem. Many times. And UD isn't a guy who gets torched a lot. Bosh isn't going to be the featured guy - obviously. But there will be plenty of times Wade or James, or both, will be on the bench, and Chris Bosh is a better third offensive option than anyone else's third offensive option.
What is another thing people forget about this team?
They were a pretty blah offensive team last year - but they won 47 games because they were a top 5 defensive team, statistically. And they had some limited - lim. it. ted. - guys athletically (I love you Jermaino). Exit The Pres Quentin Richardson (RIP Pres), who was solid defensively but limited by his size and athleticism, and enter James, the best defensive small forward in the league. Exit the short, slow, and somewhat addled Mike Beasley, and enter Chris Bosh, who is quicker, longer, and smarter than Mike. Already you are better defensively. Now factor in that Wade, James, and Bosh can expend less energy at the offensive end than they have ever had to before. Now realize that the franchise's culture is all about getting stops - Wade has referred to it repeatedly during training camp ("I think we'll be okay offensively - but the one thing I know is that we will be good defensively")...In a big game, in a big spot, this isn't going to be a fun team to try to score on...
What is your favorite new tv show?
Well, of course, it's the new smash hit on Bravo, "Gay, Straight, or Taken." Basic premise: a young, single woman ranging anywhere from "reasonably good-looking" to "very attractive," meets three guys ranging anywhere from "super gay" to "the gayest human being ever to walk on the planet Earth." She goes on a series of contrived tv dates with each one: "I really think I will be able to learn a lot about him from this archery lesson..." Then, she has to try to guess which one is gay, which one is straight and available, and which one is already taken. If she guesses correctly, she and the single straight guy go on a dream vacation, which is probably to, like, Cozumel. If she guesses incorrectly, the person that she incorrectly picked gets to go on the vacation with his partner. It is incredibly challenging to figure out who the straight available guy is because the dates are so short and fake, because the show is obviously heavily edited, and because, as I said, there has never been one guy on the show whom you would even consider for a moment is not gay...We actually got a complaint lately that we write too much about gay things, and that might mean I am gay - look, if you meant that as an insult, I don't know what to tell you...This is the greatest show currently on tv, maybe of all-time, and I don't care if they are gay, if I am gay, if you are gay - all I know is that as soon as I post this blog entry, I am going right over to the new tv to watch some of the sixty-five episodes I've got saved up on the dvr...
We've got about three weeks left until the season starts. We'll check in a couple of times before then with a more formal season preview (perhaps), and The Summer of 2010 Television Saga (for certain). Until then, don't front...
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