1) I went to the University of Miami's 30 point crushing of Duke University tonight in Coral Gables - Duke Coach Mike Kryzewski is now 1-2 lifetime in games I have attended in person. If Kentucky coach John Calipari is the Devil, then Coach K is Lucifer, and- wait, what? Oh, that's the same dude? Wait - John Calipari and Mike Kryzewski are both the devil - you mean they've been the same dude all along? This is starting to make sense! Anyways, in the Heat game, Miami got just what they wanted out of a regular season game, it was a garden-variety home win. It's 1:45 am, let's let it fly super-fast, deal? Satan, damnnnn!!!
2) Toronto shot the snot out of the ball (14-31 on triples), and Miami played about 5 minutes of defense, which is about where they want it for a meaningless regular-season game. They got the requisite stop late when DeMar DeRozan picked the one guy on the Heat not to be f-ed with, Dwyane Wade, and tried to f- with him, and ended up throwing a layup pretty much over the backboard. The Heat got 14 in the 3rd quarter from Wade (35 points with 7 dimes and 5 boards overall) to erase a sluggish 15 point deficit (shaking off 5 days of inactivity), and a triple double from KJ James (31, 11, 10). And they got 2 huge triples from Ray Allen (18 points on 7-10), one halfway through overtime on simple pindown-stepback to cut a 4 point lead to 1, and one to close the game out with under a minute to go on a drive-and-kick from Wade. In the regular season, Miami is going to try to outexecute and outscore opponents. Come playoff time, they'll try to outscrap them, too, but for these next 40 or so games, this is the blueprint. Like it or not (at times it is frustrating).
3) Play of the game: definitely in the third quarter when Chris Bosh was 1-6 from the line, and Dwyane Wade wasn't much better, and the Heat were down double digits. I suddenly remembered that I am supposed to ignore Heat free throw shooters and stare at the rim, which helps the player focus in on the task at hand. Bosh instantly made four free throws in a row, Wade found KJ on an alley oop dunk, then KJ found Wade for a backdoor layup, and the Heat led by 4 after 3 quarters. You're welcome.
4) Time for The Birdman to fly! The Heat signed Chris Anderson to a 10 day contract! The lanky 6'10" rebounder and shot blocker hasn't played in the NBA for a year, was once suspended for two seasons due to illegal drug use (we're all assuming crystal meth, right?), and last spring was involved in a child pornography investigation by the Denver police. And by "involved," I don't mean he was helping to conduct the investigation. But at least he had off-season knee surgery! You know what? None of that matters - all that matters is the number of times I am going to see him on the bench, or in the game, or in pre-game warmups, or in a montage of the team walking into the arena, and I scream: "Bird-man, drive a red Range!!" You know how many times I will say that from now until The Birdman isn't on the Heat any longer? As many times as I see him on my tv doing any one of those things (or even just think about him doing one of those things) - that many times! Here's a chart made by M.Minutos to help you distinguish the real Birdman, Chris Anderson, from the rapper Birdman, who often attends Heat games and sits in the front row close to the scorer's table (and by the way, I also scream "Bird-man, drive a red Range" every time I see him):
5) Recently at Dos Minutos International Headquarters, The Captain passionately made the following point: "You know how when you throw the ball into the post to a big man, it is called an 'entry' pass? Well, how come when the big man passes it back out to a shooter it is called a 'kickout?' Shouldn't it be called an 'exit pass?'" Holy crap - he's right! NBA Commissioner David Stern is retiring in the spring - do we have a replacement yet? I think I have a candidate! Oh, Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver is taking over? Okay, maybe next time for The Captain. He's right, though, and from now on in this blog, we will call that pass the "exit pass." Think about it: entry wound, exit wound, right? Which reminds me...
6) ...also a few days ago at Dos M. Int'l HQs, in a separate incident, someone said to me, "you know who you look like? A young General Stanley McChrystal." Exactly! Who's that again? I had to google him. I don't know if overall it's a compliment or not, but obviously the number one priority in my life is serving this great nation by preserving its democratic values - why do you think I write this blog?
Looking at the pictures I googled, I don't know if I look like him, as much as we share similar facial expressions in our day-to-day responsibilites.
Here's me trying to decide whether to post a video of Shane Battioke singing "Love Boat," or invade China:
And here's me wondering why O. and P.Minutos are screwing around in the bathroom instead of getting their teeth brushed like I asked them too, or being completely frustrated with President Obama's speech on gun control. How can he not understand that automatic assault weapons are an integral part of every American's day-to-day life?
Finally, here I am when I heard the news that the Heat signed the Birdman! Bird-man, drive a red Range!!!
Well, the five night vacation is over. It was great, I got a lot of rest, was reintroduced to my children, and watched the Devil get blown out by the Canes. We're back on Friday for a game against the Pistons. To be honest with you, I'm not even sure that's a different team than the Raptors, they are pretty, prettyyy similiar mid-level, stinky, blue-and-red uniformed teams. If you need me before Friday, I'll be in the mess hall hazing plebes. Ten-hut!