Heat 90 Pacers 79 Heat lead 3-2

6 Thoughts

1) He got here in 2003, and he's meant as much to this franchise as anyone.  He's iconic amongst his team's fan base in a way few athletes ever become - he is the Heat, and the Heat are him.  Time has robbed him of a significant portion of his skills, but tonight, when his team needed him desperately, he delivered a game-saving performance.  Dwyaaannnnneee Waaa- nah, dude. UD.  Kick-started the Heat in the third quarter with a putback in traffic, then a blow-by tomahawk slam on Roy Hibbert to give the Heat a lead.  Later in the third, during a frenzied stretch in which the Heat blew the game open, he spaced the floor out to the left baseline, and dropped three straight vintage UD rainbow jumpers.  Then, in the waning moments of the fourth quarter, snuffed out the last Pacers surge by swishing another baseline jumper, and drawing a charge on Lance Stephenson.  Ballgame.  8-9 for 16 points for Udonis.  Some day when that #40 is hanging from the rafters, you can think about this game a little and smile...Let it fly.

2) Let's be honest: the Heat have a huge problem right now.  Realistically, you probably can not win an NBA championship with KJ James, Udonis Haslem, and Mario "Emcee" Chalmers as your three best players, no matter how consistently terrific Almario Vernard is, and no matter how I wear his t-shirt during these playoff games (tonight with a long-sleeve Polo pullover underneath, in a tribute to my cousin Josh who, as kids, used to wear a Red Sox three quarter sleeve batting jersey over a buttondown plaid dress shirt - sweet look!).  KJ James tried something similar for years in Cleveland - it doesn't work.  But that's where we are right now.  Udonis saved the day, and Emcee (12 points, 6 assists) was the only kid who showed up in the first half, penetrating and scoring to keep Miami hanging around during a half in which they played horribly.  James took the first half off - it looked like he knew it was going to take a do-it-all Herculean effort from him down the stretch for Miami to win, and he bided (word?) his time and conserved energy for as long as he could.  He outscored Indiana in the third quarter 16-13, and also repeatedly got middle and found shooters (usually UD) - 4 assists.  He, UD, and Mario generated almost all the offense...You know what is odd?  Pacer fan/Heat hater and TNT analyst Steve Kerr spent all game bitching about some real or perceived wrong that was foisted upon his beloved Pacers - at one point, KJ James dribbled over a screen, DJ Augustin took a weird foul by whacking James across the chest as he dribbled by, James didn't whip his head (aka "The Derrick Rose"), or stagger ("The George Hill"), or do anything except square up and continue the play as the ref blew the whistle and called the obvious foul.  Even Augustin didn't argue - it was a foul, it was kind of pointless, and everyone was prepared to move on.  Except for Steve Kerr: not ready to move on!  As they showed the replay, Kerr sneered and smirked out a "oh yeah, I'm sure little DJ Augustin can make James fall like that..."  But James didn't fall, he didn't do anything except continue to play until the whistle stopped him.  He didn't even mean-mug the referee or Augustin like David West does after anyone touches him (more on that down in #5).  But Kerr never stopped, he was on James all night.  Then, in the fourth quarter, as the Heat continued to hammer Indiana, he switched tactics to a "Miami is totally reliant on James" kind of strategy, implying that the Heat couldn't win the game without KJ, as if that was some kind of criticism.  Umm, duh?  Steve Kerr does realize that KJ James is on the Heat, right?  He's part of the team - it's not KJ James, and then there are 14 other guys unrelated to him.  In fact, I would almost argue, Steve Kerr, that's why the Heat got James in the first place, to help them win games cuz he's super-good.  What a weird, super-douchey meltdown during the playoffs from Steve Kerr.  He's less objective than all-time Pacer great Reggie Miller (who's really more "dopey" than "biased").  Great head of hair on Kerr, though, can't say I'm not jealous.

3) Both Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh looked out of it.  Wade can't move at all - he doing that thing where all his shots are running throws, and when he does shoot a jumper, he can't get off the floor at all, so he just leans back and splays his legs to try to generate some oompf.  He was terrible.  Bosh sprained his ankle in Game 3, and looked very limited tonight.  His gait looked even more dainty than normal.  They were a combined 6-15, and that's probably not going to be good enough to win most nights in the playoffs.  They did grab a combined 11 rebounds, and Dwyane added 4 assists, but their health is very troubling.  Even if they get out of this series, it's hard to imagine beating San Antonio with these two guys as hobbled as they are right now.  Yikes.

4) Miami won the game on the defensive end.  They held Indiana to 45% from the floor (still not great), but only allowed 6 offensive rebounds and 15 free throws.  The more the refs let the game get athletic, the more it benefits Miami, obviously.  Miami started trapping hard in the third quarter, and doubling quickly on the Pacers bigs.  It's not the way the Heat prefer to play, but they had to scramble the game somehow - letting Hibbert and David West back their way into the lane for 9 seconds, then turn and plop the ball into the hoop, apparently became tiresome for Coach Spo and they switched strategies.  On this night, the scrambling worked: Indiana's second half offense boiled down to "Paul George either makes a long, contested jumper, or throws a pass directly out of bounds."  Hibbert was great again with 8-14 for 22 points, but had only 2 offensive boards, and was quiet in the second half.  Defensive play of the game?  When David West caught the ball on the left wing, lowered his shoulder into Chris Bosh, drove him seven steps sideways into the lane - without dribbling, by the way - missed his runner because he was too busy traveling and shoving Bosh, grabbed his own rebound, pushed Bosh again with his right arm, tried to flip it back in with his left hand, and 6'1" Norris Cole came flying in and absolutely hammered that weak-ass poop out of the sky.  Mr. West?  It was just one aggressive defensive play out of many in the second half.  But it was a really, really satisfying one play.

5) Altercations!  Well, Birdman's streak of 130 made shots in a row, or whatever, is destined to live another night, because it seems unlikely he'll be playing in Game 6.  He got shoved in the back by Paul George on a rebound in the second quarter, turned around, saw Tyler Hansbrough and assumed Hansbrough had been the offending pusher - seemed like a safe bet at the time, that really was the logical assumption to make - ran over to Hansbrough, and bodychecked him.  Hansbrough saw him coming, and went down flailing like a baby bird who'd been hurled out of the nest by his momma.  In a series marred by "flop talk," it was the biggest flop of all.  They got up, squared off, Bird shoved him hard, and was going back after him for more until a team of refs and Heat security personnel pulled him back to the bench.  Hard to believe he won't be suspended.  Also, to add insult to injury, Reggie Miller Hubie'd him with a "Chris Birdman"..In third quarter, big, tough David West went after little Mario Chalmers and got in his face, daring him to do something, while Chalmers did what he always does, which is to look off into space and dream about video games (that's between 60-80% of his normal day).  He couldn't have been less intimidated - he, and everyone else in the NBA, has seen West's act before.  If West really wanted to fight, Chalmers is standing right there in front of him - why doesn't he take his shot?  All West wants to do is get in your face, and dare you to do something, as if you weren't just standing there minding your business when he ran up on you.  Loser.  Udonis quickly inserted himself into the situation - that's his job, West outweighs Chalmers by 60 pounds, at least - and West didn't want any of that either.  He kept talking, but that's it.  Blah, blah, blah.  Udonis would rip that kid apart, limb from limb.  Jesus Christ, David West: man up and take your shot at UD, or shut up.  You look like the biggest puss in the NBA.  Or, really, just grow up...Finally, Lance Stephenson threw a cheap elbow into Wade's mouth late in the game, which electro-shocked Dwyane into instantly driving and scoring on the other end, the one play he made all night.  Those two have been whacking at each other all series.  

6) Can you imagine: me in the Olympics, doing my thing, winning that 100 yard swimming thing, going up on that podium, getting my little gold medal, whatever...And then marrying Lolo Jones...For real...Look, here's me and Lolo at tonight's game, look at how in love with me she looks!  I love you, Lolo, I'll see you when I get off work tomorrow!  You want to get home-brewed beers at the Due South, or go to Juice Berry for a Tuna Melt?  You don't have to decide now...


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Game 6 is Saturday night in Indiana, aka the "Show Me" state.  Based on how Dwyane and Chris looked tonight, I think it's fairly safe to assume we'll be back for Game 7 on Monday in Miami.  Saturday is M.Minutos' birthday, though, if anyone can bring the magic, it's either her, or UD and Mario Chalmers!  If you need me before Saturday, I'll be loloing...
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Pacers 99 Heat 92 tied 2-2

6 Thoughts

1) Honestly?  I'm not even that frustrated.  When you see at the outset that Joey Crawford is reffing the game, you know that something aberrant is probably going to happen one way or another.  You either get through it, or you don't.  Right now is not really the time to spend a lot of time complaining about the two tough calls he made that went against Miami right at the end (or the bizarre policy that out of bounds plays are reviewable, but those two calls are not).  We have noted them, now let's move on.  The reality is that if anyone on Miami gets a defensive rebound or two at any point in the fourth quarter, the Heat probably win the game.  They didn't, on the whole Miami got the split in Indiana that they needed, and if the Heat take care of home court, they will win the series.  Honestly, look at the bright side: the fact that Joey Crawford refereed tonight's game means he can't be refereeing Thursday's game.  I hope.  That's not possible, that's against the rules, right?  Come on, come on, let's get through it quickly (and also, time to wash the Chalmers shirt)...

2) Man, Miami played poorly, they played with a pretty low level of intensity.  They tried to win this game in "normal" mode, with KJ James directing offense from the top, rather than from the block, and by offsetting their pedestrian, at best, rebounding, by out shooting the other team.  Didn't work.  The Heat shot under 40% from the floor for only the third time all season (39%).  Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh made a combined 6-21, and Ray Allen made 4-13.  Dwyane was also fairly comatose on defense - lost Lance Stephenson on the huge triple to end the third quarter.  Inexcusable defense on that play.  Also, Chris and Dwyane only had 6 combined rebounds in 67 minutes.  KJ James was more "good" than "great," but he made numerous big plays to keep the Heat in it all night long - he just didn't get enough help from those two to get the Heat over the hump.  Dwyane was not crisp - kicked the ball around a lot, missed some layups.  Think crisp, Dwyane!  Like a freshly cut carrot, or a Triscuit!  Crisp!!! 

3) You know who was crisp?  Mario "Emcee" Chalmers!  He never ceases to amaze.  He seems to be the one guy who has timed up Hibbert.  He's able to penetrate and consistently flip layups and runners over the big guy, or to take it to the rim and draw fouls.  There's a lot of big dudes in Alaska, you think Chalmers didn't have to deal with 7'2", slow-talking behemoths up there?  Mario scored 20 on 14 shots and didn't turn the ball over for the second straight game.  In fact, the Heat only turned it over 6 times - that part was fine.  I don't want to say that my Mario Chalmers t-shirt is the only reason for Chalmers' excellent play of late, but it's pretty clearly the biggest factor.  Don't blame the shirt for the loss, the shirt can't rebound - it's a shirt, what the hell is wrong with you, of course it can't rebound!...I'd like to see the shirt fight Joey Crawford...

4) None of David West's screens tonight were illegal, and he never lightly pushed anyone after getting a rebound.  Oh, and Roy Hibbert got called for a foul every time he contested a play at the rim with both hands up in the air.  KJ James could really learn a lot from those two guys...Couldn't resist.  Let's move on! 

5) Great Friend of the Blog, and vacationing Celtic fan, WebMinutos, writes in to say, "I don't understand how [Indiana Pacers broadcaster] Reggie Miller's ears fit inside those headphones?"  Those were not headphones, those were frisbees - Reggie, Steve Kerr, and Marv Albert like to play a quick game of ultimate during halftime.  Reggie won tonight's game, but I don't even respect him at all, because he was flopping a lot.  Flopping is ruining ultimate frisbee, I probably won't even watch it anymore.  

6) My Top Five Favorite Action Movie Stars:
         
          5) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
          4) Vin Diesel
          3) Ludacris and Tyrese Gibson (tie)
          2) Paul Walker
          1) Wolf Jackman.  What?  Oh.  Hugh Jackman.
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Okay, that was a quick one, just have to let it go and get back at it on Thursday.  If you need me before then, I will not be watching a Hugh Jackman film.  To my knowledge, I have never seen any Hugh Jackman film.  If I did, I was not aware that the guy I was watching was Hugh Jackman.  Who the hell is Hugh Jackman, and is he as boring as he looks?  See you, Thursday!
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Heat 114 Pacers 96 Heat lead 2-1

6 Thoughts

1) It's amazing how much easier basketball is when the ball goes in...and your Mario Chalmers t-shit is freshly washed!  Emcee Chalmers' #15 bounced out of the dryer 3 minutes before game-time, and avenged it's first loss.  Now 6-1 in these playoffs - MARIO CHALMERS SHIRT POWER!  Very important people in the Pacers organization - and by "very important people," I mean "Pacers radio announcer Mark Boyle" - criticized Heat fans after Game 2.  I believe he used the word "losers" to describe Heat fans who left early during the loss.  Tonight, when Pacers fans evacuated the arena with 3 minutes to go like Bob Evans was offering free cheese fries until midnight, obviously Mark Boyle was all over them, right?  Umm, no.  Crickets.  I mean, crickets...except for the very, very conspicuous "Let's go Heat" chants ringing throughout the otherwise empty building!  Pacers are 25th in attendance - I guess there were a lot of tickets available for Miami's loser fans.  Let's go, let's let it fly, let's do what needs to be done - feels so much better to win than lose!

2) Early on in this game, King James took Paul George to the block and beat him up.  Backed him down on the left block, turned over the right shoulder, and banked in left-handed jump hooks.   Faked the same move, stepped through, and beat the help to the rim.  Found cutters, and threw the ball back out to shooters over help.  Drove against the halftime clock and made a running 12 foot floater to end the half while being body-checked by Roy Hibbert (of course, no foul - why would there be a foul, it's KJ James...).Went back out top, made a dribble handoff to Ray Allen, screened two dudes, and Allen hit a three.  Spent time on both Paul George and Lance Stevenson, and helped hold those two guys to a combined 5-20.  He scored 18 in the first half, when it was still a game, and spent the second half monitoring things, directing traffic from the top.  His 22, 4, and 3 is a quiet stat line from him, but I'm not sure he could have dominated the game much more thoroughly.  Not too much went on out there tonight that wasn't greatly affected by his presence.  Numbers don't aways tell the whole story.

3) But sometimes they tell a big part of the story...KJ James was dominant in the first two games as well, but didn't get any help.  Tonight?  HE GOT ALL THE HELP!  Dwyane Wade wound his way to the middle, pulled up in the paint, and made polite little jump hooks over Hibbert, and then, once he had him back peddling, found open teammates: 8-14 for 18 points, with 8 assists by Wade...The teammate he found on his drives?  Udonis Haslem!  UD, with everyone calling for his starting job, and his minutes in general, spaced out to the baseline, caught kickouts when Hibbert sank to the paint, and drilled jumpers.  Three in a row to start the game, then threw in a running hookshot over Hibbert, then cut baseline, caught a pass from James, and took a hit from Hibbert as he powered the ball in.  It was vintage UD, at least for one more night: 8-9, for 17 points, and 7 boards...And, maybe most importantly, Mario "Emcee" Chalmers scored 14 on 4-6, including back-to-back huge buckets in the third quarter during the Pacers only real run of the game.  His drive-and-finish through a George Hill bodycheck stretched the lead back to double digits, and kind of ended the drama.  And if you think that Chalmers was inspired by my newly cleaned t-shirt, you would be spot on - every player like to smell fresh (except Roy Hibbert, probably - that dude looks like he smells like butt; good player, yes - looks like he smells like absolute butt).

4) Play of the game: as we said, the first two games of this series, nothing went right for Miami.  Indiana is a fantastic defensive teams - much credit to them - but Miami shot it poorly from the line, poorly from distance, and kept turning it over.  Tonight was the opposite: even the bad plays worked out.  With the Heat pouring it on late in the third quarter, KJ screened, rolled down the lane free, Norris Cole burned a perfect bullet into him, and it went right through James' hands...into the hands of a soaring Birdmandersen, who caught it and flushed it to send M.Minutos into an extended bird-flap (one flap only for me).  Bird went for 9 and 9 with 2 blocks in 22 minutes. Not in my wildest dreams, dude...

5) Neither Dwyane Wade (leaping karate chop to Lance Stevenson's head) nor David West (vicious cheap shot elbow to Mario Chalmers' injured shoulder...which West injured with a cheap shot screen, by the way) were suspended.  Dwyane got back to basketball, trying to recapture an acceptable baseline of efficiency.  West, on the other hand, got back to arguing, petulantly scowling at the refs, his opponents, and even his own teammates when he was displeased with some real or imagined transgression.  He's an excellent player - had another great game with 21 and 10 - but an atrocious teammate, and the dirtiest non-Artest player in the league.  He generally douched it up all night long - one thing about him, he's a huge front runner.  When things are going well, he's very "la-di-da!" but when things turn for the worse, he starts bitching at everyone around him, and throwing wild elbows - you can literally watch him melt down out there.  In the third quarter, with the game almost gone, he committed ridiculous back-to-back fouls on Battier: (another) needless elbow whistled at him, and then grabbed him around the neck on a rebound and threw him down.  Absurd.  Imagine encountering him in normal life, you'd be, like, waiting in line to pay for your Mennen Speed Stick at Target - you know, cuz you're smelling like Hibbert's booty a little (hey, it's okay, it's hot in Florida this time of year) - and you got West in behind you in line, like his forearm planted in your lower back, pushing you forward into the lady with the diapers in front of you, while he's mean-mugging and screaming at the cashier, "Hey - this the express lane!"  This is definitely the guy in your circle of friends that no one likes because his act is embarrassing, but no one ever says anything to him, because it's not worth the 2 hour argument you're gonna have when he's trying to tell you why he was right to curse at the waitress in the TGIF's he insisted you all go to for lunch...You're a grown-ass man, David West, goodness gracious.

6) Got a brochure in the mail from a company called Fresh Diet.  It is a company that delivers meals to your door.  Man, this sounds terrific, it isn't like a lot of meal delivery plans where the food may not be optimally fresh.  Fresh Diet's meals are "never heavily processed, vacuum-packed, or frozen," and they will be waiting on my doorstep each morning when I wake up.  Wow - I really like fresh food!  According to the brochure, Forbes Magazine calls Fresh Diet one of "America's top 20 most promising companies," and Gayle King, Oprah's best friend, exclaims "every time I pick out my meals, my mouth does a happy dance!"  I'm starting to think this is for me, I could really use the convenience of someone preparing my meals for me, the menus are nutritional, and the cost is not prohibitive.  Look at this sample menu: Apricot Cream Cheese Crepes for breakfast; Asian-Style Chicken Salad for lunch; and Turkey Chili Con Carne for dinner!  Delicious!  And for dessert, Chocolate Dipped Strawberries with Creamy Vanilla Ricotta Chee- whoa, whoa, WHOA!  What the freak?!?  Are you trying to kill me, Fresh Diet?  Ricotta cheese?  Blechhhh-yyyy, ricotta cheese is the most vile food stuff in existence, no human palate can survive the soft, stinky disgustingness of ricotta cheese ("disgustingness," probably not a word, I acknowledge).  Good God, this Fresh Diet is a menace, this meal plan is only for people who really, really hate good food, or themselves, or both, or who drive a Kia Rondo...
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Game 4 is Tuesday night.  If you need me before then, I definitely won't be re-living the hightlights of Fast and Furious 6 in my mind, because how could I, since I can't see that film, since I'm an adult with a college education?  It's really more for like, ummm,  well, I'm just gonna say it: Pacers fans...So I definitely won't be thinking about Vin Diesel's heroic pursuit of Michelle Rodriguez, including the most dramatic "flying car catch" of all-time.  And I won't be thinking about the hilarious hijinks perpetrated by Tyrese and Ludacris, who never lose their respective joie de vivres, even in impossibly dangerous situations.  And I absolutely won't be dreaming of Paul Walker's dreamy blue-eyed heroic gesture to get himself inserted into a maximum security prison, just to try to help make amends for an earlier mistake that he made in one of the other Fast and Furious movies which, of course, I did not see.  Don't do it, Paul Walker - I love you, boy!  Do you know what can happen to a guy like you in prison?  I LOVE YOU, BOY!!!...See you all Tuesday, even Mark Boyle!
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Pacers 97 Heat 93 tied 1-1

6 Thoughts

1) Tough loss.  Besides King James James (Hubiesm), no one on Miami could make a shot all night long - not a triple, not a layup, not a free throw.  Then, just when James willed them into the game, and Chris Bosh hit a huge triple (someone made a shot!) to give Miami a little cushion, Dwyane Wade made four horrific decisions down the stretch, and the Heat unraveled to the point where the game ended with mindless back-to-back James turnovers.  The bright side?  Time to wash the Mario Chalmers Shirt!  Let's get through it...

2) When Bosh hit a three from the left wing to give Miami a 4 point lead with 6 minutes to go, it looked like King James had held the fort jussttt long enough for the cavalry to arrive.  But wide open triple misses by Bosh and Ray Allen sandwiched a Lance Stephenson three pointer (2 great shooters miss, 1 bad shooter makes - ugh), and then Dwyane Wade put it on tilt.  On an offensive rebound, instead of catching it he tried to bat it back out towards the perimeter, and it got intercepted.  Then he came down in transition with numbers, had a free run at Hibbert, stopped on the block, didn't find any of the shooters spotting up, then panicked and threw the ball away again.  Then came pushing down the middle with the ball on a 3 on 2 break with James sprinting the right wing, but instead of giving it to him, he slowed the pace, and fed Chalmers for an open three from the wing, which did not go in.  It was a good shot, but a James dunk probably would have been the higher percentage play.  Finally, in a tie game with a minute to go, he waved everybody, including James, off, and took a bizarre run-floater over a strong contest that missed badly.  Such damaging decisions, all of them.  Physical mistakes?  Okay.  Mental mistakes?  Tough to live with.  Dwyane finished with 14 points on 6-14 with 6 rebounds and 5 assists.  He's obviously limited physically, just as he was in the playoffs last year.  That's fine, Miami can live with that.  Gotta play smarter, though.

3) KJ James was unbelievably good (36 points on 20 shots).  You could write 6 paragraphs listing all the plays he made - what did you like better, when he tomahawked Roy Hibbert's layup, or when he took a crucial bump-and-finish over Paul George?  When he drove left then twisted and threw a 28 foot bullet one-handed back across his body for a Mike Mil-lar three, or when he made the 30 footer to end the third quarter?  That's why the last two turnovers were so disheartening.  He's going to feel terrible.  The first one, a set play for a Ray Allen three was fluky, David West just blindly threw his arms into the air and the ball randomly hit them - that ball misses his arm, and its a terrible play by West, who should have been closing out to Allen.  The second one was a rare bad decision by KJ - had Bosh open in the short corner for a three, just didn't pitch it to him, and got stuck with the ball.  But realistically, KJ was the only Heat player who really played well.  The shooters are brutal right now. Shane Battier was 0-3, and Coach Spo finally yanked him after 14 minutes when Battier lost confidence and stopped shooting open shots.  He can't do that - for their offense to work, he must shoot open shots.   Ray Allen was 2-5, but missed both his threes and 2 technical free throws.  He's playing terrible right now, he's not even close on his jumpers.  He and Battier look old - they need to liven it up a little.  Bosh made the big three pointer, but only 6-14 overall.  Emcee Chalmers and Norris Cole were a combined 3-12.  It got so bad that Coach Spo finally inserted Mike Miller late in the second quarter, who instantly made that KJ-assisted corner triple at the buzzer, only to apparently break a rib while doing so, and never came back in.  Good grief.  Last year Miami won the title when James dominated play, and the shooters - Bosh, Battier, Chalmers, Miller - made shots, and an injured Dwyane Wade did a little bit of everything.  In this series James is dominating, but isn't getting any help.  That ball needs to go in.

4) Cheap shots.  There were two huge ones, one by each team, both by the guy on his squad most likely to get nasty: David West, who knocked Mario Chalmers out of Game 1 with a cheap shot illegal screen, sought Chalmers out again away from the ball where the officials wouldn't be looking, and hammered Emcee in the shoulder again with an intentional elbow.  That's what I don't like about West - he's not "being physical," he's trying to injure people out there.  That really shouldn't be part of basketball.  West is the dirtiest player in the league unless you count Ron Artest, which I do not, because in my mind, Artest's behavior is so aberrant he shouldn't be allowed in the NBA at all.  West's not far behind.  He's not going to get suspended, but I am sure he will get fined.  He's not going to stop doing it until the league sits him for a while, though...But, to be fair, Dwyane Wade has always had more than a bit of nasty in him as well, and during his fourth quarter mental meltdown, after one of his turnovers he sprinted back down the court, saw Lance Stephenson in his way, jumped into the air like 1980s vintage Cobra Kai, and belted Stephenson in the ear with a flying elbow.  It appeared to be insane, it seemed clearly intentional.  I don't see how the league doesn't suspend him for Game 3, frankly.  Miami is playing the dirtiest team in the NBA, without question.  I don't think that even the Pacers would deny that.  But it doesn't give Miami the right to sink to that level.  And if you are going to do it, Dwyane, do it to David West, cuz he's asking for it.

5) Speaking of cheap shots, in Game 1, Shane Battier drove to the basket, Roy Hibbert met him at the rim, and as they began to collide, Battier lifted his leg and, well, I guess he pretty much karate-kicked Hibbert in the privates, just as Hibbert smashed down on Battier's head with his arms.  They called a foul on Battier, which seemed like the right call - Hibbert could make a pretty credible case that when he got woofed in the groin, it caused him to keel over into Battier.  Fair enough.  Then Hibbert spent the last two days whining about the play on Twitter, which was funny, that's pretty much the best part of Twitter, when guys wig out on it.  Maybe Battier did it on purpose; maybe he didn't.  I don't know.  What I do know?  Hibbert's nuts are the only thing Battier has hit all playoffs!    

6)

Umm, you know what?  I think I'm gonna pass on the Kia Rondo.  I found the steering irritable, and the brakes unpredictable.  It was fairly decent for short drives, but on anything longer, I often found myself gyroscoping way, way off target.  Also, the floors were littered with dirty fingernail clippings.  I'm going to hang on to my Nissan Chalmers for now.  True, the navigation system is shot, so I often get lost, and I spend a lot of time politely bumping into things, but in tight spots, like high speed highway merging, it usually comes through and, as a bonus, the interior smells like a giant turkey leg.
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Again, last year, we were in this same spot, and we lost Game 3 in Indiana.  Listen, there's not much to it.  A couple of the Heat's shooters are going to start knocking down some shots to support KJ and the Heat are going to win the series; or, they won't, and they won't.  Game 3 is Sunday in Indiannapolis.  If you need me before then, I'll be out four-wheeling in my new Chevy Ibaka.  Have a great start to your long weekend!
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Heat 103 Pacers 102 ot Heat lead 1-0

6 Thoughts

1) The Mario Chalmers shirt is now 5-0 (MARIO CHALMERS SHIRT POWER!!!), but I almost wish we lost tonight.  Can't wash it until we lose; it smells bad, it's a very familiar odor, but I can't quite place it...Hmm...What is that smell?...Oh yeah: it smells like Roy Hibbert's armpit after an overtime playoff loss to the Heat when King James bolts to the rim and makes a layup to win the game at the buzzer!  Yeah, that's what it smells like, I'd recognize that stench anywhere!  A crazy game, with some huge shots, and a lot of lying: let's go, and LET IT FLY!!!

2) There were innumerable ridiculous plays down the stretch of this game.  Paul George heaved in a 30 footer to send the game to overtime, and made a 3 point play in the ot when the ball kind of flew out of his hands into the basket while he stumbled down the lane and a foul was called on KJ James (remember that for a second).  But just as huge was an overtime sweeping Birdman Anderson hook shot attempt, which led to a foul and him line-driving in the 2 free throws, which seemed like the only free throws we made in the game up to that point.  Then a Chris Bosh early-shove off of the constantly clutching Roy Hibbert led to a Bosh put back and foul on George to tie the game late.  Finally, up 2, Norris Cole stole a ball from George Hill, dove on it, Hill dove on Cole and wrapped his leg around Norris' head, dislodging the ball, and Paul George ended up with it and launched another prayer, this time an airball, except the ref called a light brush foul on Dwyane Wade to give George three free throws which, to his credit, he made.  His post-game press conference reaction, though, made it clear he didn't think he got fouled on that play - kind of got a little nervous, made a weird face, and then half-heartedly asserted that he did.  Remember that one, too.  Lying is rampant on that team, of course, we'll get to that in a second.  Finally, with 2.2 to go, KJ James caught an inbounds pass, George pushed up too high on him, KJ blew by him, George tried to re-route his drive with a forearm - the exact same foul that got called on James in ot on George on his stumbling three point play and at least as much contact as on George's three pointer which even he didn't think was a foul -  this time, of course, no call (it's KJ James - he has to finish through any and all contact), but it didn't matter, James layed it in, Dwyane Wade jumped 10 feet in the air off the bench, and the Mario Chalmers shirt, even with it's namesake sidelined with a bad shoulder after back-to-back Hibbert and West cheap shots on him, remained undefeated.  I can save those laundry quarters for the arcade this weekend!

3) We all know Frank Vogel is a liar, it's been proven many times.  It all began last year, when he lied to Heat television announcers Eric Reid and Tony Fiorentino, telling them before the game that they would not play zone defense against Miami because they didn't even have a zone in their arsenal, they had never practiced one.  Halfway through the first quarter: zone.  Then, in the playoffs, he asserted that Miami is the biggest bunch of floppers in the league.  That's obviously not true - no one gets fewer calls than KJ James.  Unless Vogel is an absolute idiot, he knows that's wrong, and he clearly seems to be more "evil" than "dumb."  And there he was tonight, with pretty much every word out of his mouth b.s.  Before the game, he told the assembled reporters: "we don't adjust to other teams' adjustments."  Yet, twice in the closing moments of overtime, with the game on the line, when Miami went small, Vogel took the man he calls "the best rim protector in the NBA," Roy Hibbert (or as Eric Reid derisively called him in the postgame highlights "Ray Hibbert") off the court.  Both times KJ James went right to the rim, got fouled (both uncalled), and made layups.   So when Vogel bragged "we don't adjust to other teams' adjustments," it seems what he meant was, "any time the other team makes any adjustment whatsoever, I like to overreact to it."  Also, I question whether he truly thinks Ray Hibbert is actually the best rim protector in the NBA - if he honestly believed that, wouldn't he keep him on the court for the biggest defensive possessions of the game?  Also, the TNT cameras, with Pacers television crew Reggie Miller and Steve Kerr - wait, what?  They aren't the regular Pacers tv color analysts?  Wow...Anyways, the TNT cameras captured Vogel in overtime telling his team, "I told you we were going to win this game."  Then they lost.  So he lied to his own team, too.  He has no moral boundaries.

4) We already mentioned Bosh's huge three point play in overtime.  He was in foul trouble early, but bounced back with a nice second half, and finished with 17 points on 11 shots.  Efficient offensively.  And he was the reason Hibbert wasn't on the floor to defend KJ's last drive - Vogel said he didn't want Hibbert having to try to contain Bosh in space on the last play, although that was probably a lie, he probably did want that...But Bosh's backup was even more efficient.  Birdman Anderson kept hiding on the baseline, waiting for KJ James (triple double: 30,10,10) to drive, draw Ray Hibbert, then Bird would swoop to the rim, catch, and finish.  He made all 7 of his shots, the two huge free throws, scored 16 points in 18 minutes, grabbed 5 boards, and had three blocks.  The Heat won the battle of paint points 60-48.  A big chunk of that is KJ and Dwyane (a solid 19 on 9-15, 6, 5, and 3) getting in the lane, but the fact that Bosh and Bird both made "big" contributions was a "big" help.  Get it?  They're the bigs on the team.  It's super-late, sorry.

5) We already know Frank Vogel is a pathological liar, and that several Pacers, especially David West, are cheap shot artists.  They're a dirty team.  What we didn't know is that even their front office lacks class.  At the end of the first half, the Pacers' Director of Media Relations, David Benner, tweeted out, "If there is such a thing as Death by Public Address Announcer, I am experiencing it in Miami."  First of all: how dare you take a shot at Heat P.A. announcer Mike Baiamonte?  He's a Miami treasure, and his "dos minutos left in the quarter: dos minutos!" gave this blog its very name!  Second of all, nice job of media relations!  I would assume David Benner's job is to try to make the Pacers look like a professional organization (admittedly, no easy task).  Umm, oops?  Third, I'm sorry you aren't enjoying your time here in Miami - I know, I like Indianapolis a lot better, too.  There's a lot more to do, the weather's better, and there are only white people and no one ever says anything in Spanish!!!  Pandering to the Pacer fan base, I am sure.

6) I love Kevin Durant.  The kid is a great basketball player, and I hated to see him get bounced out of the playoffs so early.  Although, is it fair to point out that no one criticizes him for not having a post game, even though he is 7 feet tall, when before everyone criticized KJ James for not having a post game, even though he's 6'8"?  It's not fair?  Okay, never mind...This week, after the terrible tragedy in Oklahoma, KD gave one million dollars to relief efforts.  Wow - that is amazing.  Love you, KD, and respect that so much.  By the way, guess who didn't give one million dollars, or even one dollar, to relief efforts, as far as anyone knows?  You guessed it: the incredibly unlikable Russell Westbrook.  I, for one, couldn't be less surprised.  You know who else also didn't donate any money to relief efforts?  Frank Vogel.  Although he claims he did.
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Settle in for a tough series, kids.  We'll be back on Friday for Game 2.  If you need me before then, I'll be using a loofah, trying to scrub this weeks-old Chalmers shirt stench off me so that I can go to work.  "I did not have sex with that woman!  It depends how you define what 'is' is!"
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Heat 94 Bulls 91 Heat win 4-1

6 Thoughts

1) Good God.  Dwyane.  Later for you, Bulls.  Sit here and whine for a second, Chicago, while we let it fly.

2) For three quarters, Dwyane Wade was robbing every Heat fan's will to live.  Heat jumped out to an early 18 point lead powered primarily by Mario Chalmers, and my Mario Chalmers shirt (4-0: MARIO CHALMERS SHIRT POWER!).  But the Bulls ground, and ground, and ground some more, and not only caught Miami, but led by 8 points heading into the fourth quarter.  It wasn't all Dwyane's fault, not by a longshot - everyone had stopped defending, moving on offense...everyone had just stopped playing hard, period - but Dwyane looked horrible.  The Bulls didn't guard him on the perimeter, so he kind of bounced the ball back and forth, and would occasionally jack an errant splayed-leg anvil at the backboard.  On the defensive end he had a lot of trouble staying in front of people - always seemed to be one step behind Richard Hamilton, in particular.  When he went to the locker room in between the third and fourth quarters, M.Minutos prayed that he would stay back there.  Instead, he came back out, and won the game.  Playing with a severely hurt knee, while 2011 MVP Derrick Rose watched from the bench with a perfectly healthy knee, Dwyane gutted in back-to-back floaters to give the Heat a 4 point lead with 4 minutes to go, then a minute later extended the lead to 7 on a throwback spectacular tip dunk off a short missed Norris Cole jumper.  With under a minute to go, he out-wrestled Carlos Boozer on an offensive rebound to gain an extra possession for the Heat, and when Jimmy Butler missed an open three-pointer on the last possession of the game, which may have been the first shot he missed all series, Miami moved on to the Eastern Conference Finals.  I've kind of stayed away from Derrick Rose-bashing in the blog during the series.  It's tired, but more importantly, why reverse-jinx him into playing and scoring 35 points?  Still, this game in particular, with his idol Dwyane fighting through pain to win a game, makes Rose look like an absolute zero.  He pooped on his teammates, he pooped on his coach, he pooped on his organization (and stole their money), and I'm sure, at some point during the series, he literally pooped on the Bulls bench.  Simple logic dictates that he had to, he literally never moved from that spot on the bench, at some point he must have had to make a poop.  Dwyane is glassy-eyed on the court from the pain, he looks like he does when he gets the migraines.  It's a given something is really wrong with his knee - the day the Heat's season ends, he goes for surgery, right?  Meanwhile, Rose sits there watching, totally healthy, with a steamy treasure in his diapers.  Why does everyone assume Derrick Rose will play next season?  What changes between now and then?  I'm not a big fan of his approach towards his job.  And, as a final word, deep down every Bulls fan feels exactly the same way, from Steve Kerr and Mike Wilbon right on down the line.  They know their guy punked them.  And it hurts.

3) You know how Miami got back into the game after trailing by 8 to start the fourth quarter?  KJ James, right?  Nah.  He was solid, and played big down the stretch but didn't dominate throughout.  Oh, Chris Bosh?  No, he was pretty solid on both ends, but got limited by foul trouble.  Emcee Chalmers and the MARIO CHALMERS SHIRT?  I mean, he would have, if only Coach Spo would play him in a fourth quarter.  Of course, it was Shane Battier and Norris Cole!  Battier, who along with all the other Heat shooters, struggled mightily in this series, made back-to-back threes, then got fouled on a third try and made 2 free throws.  Eight quick points for suburban dad guy!  Cole created a transition bucket when he pushed the ball as hard as possible, then flipped a perfect Birdy-Oop up over his shoulder for a Chris Andersen jam.  After a bizarre, and extremely rare, double-botched call by Bennett Salvatore and his crew (more on that in #4) threatened to curtail the Heat's momentum, Cole scored his only two buckets of the game, a little wing jump shot, then a fake-wing-jump-shot-curl-down-the-lane-look-Boozer-off-and-jam-on-Joakim-Noah to give the Heat the lead.  Battier - you expect him to come up big in tough spots.  But now Norris Cole is starting to feel a little "clutch-guy-y," if that is a word, which it is not.  Also, I don't believe in the concept of "clutch," really.  But I do believe in being aggressive in big moments, and Norris is nothing if not aggressive.  Starting to love that boy...

4) Any game in which Bennett Salvatore is involved is going to have a lot of really odd moments.  He's not just the worst referee in the NBA, he's worse at his job than anyone except the dude in Cleveland who kidnapped the kids (you're a bus driver, your only job is to get kids from point A to point B safely.  You kidnapped them.  You can't be much worse at your job than that).  There were several different calls throughout the game that Salvatore made which the other two refs (Tony Brothers and Mike Callahan) were forced to step in and change: "sorry, Bennett, but this is an actual game, I have to change that one."  On a Jimmy Butler steal on a pass intended for KJ James, he called a foul on Butler, then after thinking about it post-whistle changed it to a foul on James, then ruled it a clear path foul, which was technically the correct ruling since James was behind Butler, then looked at the replay, realized that neither guy had touched each other, and left it as a foul on James, but rescinded the clear path part of the foul - he screwed both teams on the same call!  But even worse, with the Heat charging in the fourth quarter, James sprinted out with a loose ball, with Norris Cole well ahead of everyone on the other end.  James jumped to pass the ball, and Nate Robinson came flying directly at James, made no play on the ball, went up high, and hit James in the face.  One, it was a blatant flagrant foul - that's what the rule is for, so that you can't do that, so that you can't hit a guy in the face.  It doesn't really matter if you were trying to or not, it's dangerous, you aren't playing the ball, and, by the way, Nate Robinson is 5'8", he literally had to jump up to hit KJ in the face.  Two, I've seen that play called a clear path foul often this season - if a teammate is clear to the rim, and the defender grabs the passer, refs have called clear path.  Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.  I just read the clear path rule - it's now clear why the rule isn't clear to the refs, because it is poorly written.  It doesn't clearly address a situation like this one.  In any case, one way or another, Miami was sure to get two shots and the ball.  And, it had been ruled a flagrant foul on the court.    Instead, the refs emerged from a twenty minute replay review, during which Bulls fan Steve Kerr, announcing the game for TNT, bitterly complained that James had snapped his head back on purpose - James is running full-speed one direction, Robinson full-speed right at him and punched him in the face, yes, I am sure KJ flopped -  and announced it was not a flagrant foul, just a regular foul, so Miami didn't get the sure layup on the other end, and didn't get any free throws.  Coach Spo asked Salvatore could he go back and look to make sure it wasn't a clear path foul, but Salvatore told Spo that he would not look.  Great, thanks, you bus-driving kidnapper!  We got double-kidnapped, twice on the same play!  In any case, it seemed like it could be a crucial turn of events, but then Norris and Dwyane won the game, and ended the series.  The end.  Epilogue: be prepared for between 4 and 7 games of "Steve Kerr: World's Biggest Pacers Fan" over the next two weeks - all Eastern Conference games are on TNT.  That won't be irritating at all.

5) Cry, Joakim Noah!  C'mon, cry!  I know you want to!  I see the tears welling up in your eyes, you can't hide it behind that girly, tangled mess of hair, you petulant little child!  Cry!  We've played you twice in the playoff and we are 8-2 against you!  Cuhhhh-ryyyyy!!!   You got another technical foul tonight for slapping Shane Battier on a rebound - if my count is accurate, that was your 34th t of the series.  That's a lot of extra points for Miami - thanks!  Wahhhhhhhh!!!

6) Great friend of the blog Snets asks: "A woman was kicked off a flight for singing a Whitney Houston song – what would be allowed?

I did not see this story.  I am a veryyy nervous flier, and a flight can produce bizarre behavior from me.  One time on a trip from Florida to Connecticut, I sang a medley of Huey Lewis songs for three straight hours while M.Minutos sat with her head in her hands from embarrassment (I couldn't stop, I was too uptight).  G.F.O.B. Plumber recently went to a Huey Lewis concert, and it was his second one in less than a year, I believe.  You have to really, really dislike music, and yourself, to do that.  Or, be trapped on a plane for three hours with the complete belief that you are going to plunge 30,000 feet out of the sky and die a fiery death.  In fairness, Plumber was never a huge music guy.  Also, he may or may not have been partially responsible for Davy Jones' death.
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I told you all the Bulls stink, I was right.  Who got the juice now?  WHO GOT THE JUICE NOW???  Pacers series can not start until Monday, and perhaps as late as next Wednesday.  Either way: weekend off!  That series is going to be tough no matter what, but especially with Dwyane so banged up.  If you need me before Monday (or Wednesday), I'll be workin' for a livin'.  Man, I want a new drug.  Long live Dwyane Wade!!
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Heat 88 Bulls 65 Heat lead 3-1

6 Thoughts

1) After three straight games of infantile and deliberately poor behavior, the Bulls decided to put that stuff aside, buckle down, and play basketball.  Oops, bad move!  This game was never competitive.  I don't want to tout my new Mario "Emcee" Chalmers shirt too much, but it's 3-0, and early in tonight's contest, Rio slipped down to the defensive baseline, stripped the ball away from Carlos Boozer, brought it up the court, spent 23 seconds weaving in between and through the other 9 players on the court, then, with everyone frozen in amazement (and admiration), flipped an 8 foot runner straight into the hoop for an early 7 point lead.  MARIO CHALMERS SHIRT POWER!!!  Let it fly!

2) The Bulls slowed the game to a snail's pace - limiting the number of possessions in the game is their best chance to stay close.  Miami never put together one huge run, and turned the ball over too many times (16), but were methodical, and able to create good shots all night, finishing at 49% from the floor.  King James James (Hubie!!!) directed the offense, with 8 assists, and scored 27 points himself....The Bulls, umm, yeah.  They weren't so good.  Miami trapped the ball a little harder, contested shots a little more crisply, but mostly, the Bulls stunk the joint out.  They shot 26% from the floor and scored a new franchise playoff low 33 points in the first half; then shot 26% from the floor again and finished with a new, new franchise low 32 points in the second half!  I guess the refs and all the Heat's flopping stopped them.  Nate Robinson missed all 12 of his shots and scored zero points in 32 minutes.  Joakim Noah got shoved around all night by Chris Bosh and Bird Anderson and finished 1-6 with 6 points, 9 rebounds, and no blocks in 37 minutes - he was non-existent.  Bosh and Bird combined for 23, 10, and 6 - 4 blocks by Chris Bosh tonight!  It's like an annual right of spring that he starts jumping and contesting shots at the rim!

3) Play of the game, runner up: in the fourth quarter, which was 12 minutes of garbage time, Chris Anderson cut to the rim with only little Bulls point guard Marquis Teague covering him, and Chris Bosh threw a bullet pass for what would have been a sure dunk.  But, Teague wrapped Bird's arm up with his arm, pinned it to his side, and kind of tackled him as they careened through the lane.  As the pass arrived, Bird and Teague both swiped at it with their one free arm, the ball popped up into the air, and down into the basket!  Somehow, no foul on Teague!  That's why we need to flop - we can't get a call!!!

4) Play of the game, winner: late in the third quarter, with the Heat leading by 16, the Bulls held the ball for one last shot.  They ran a little screen-and-roll, and slipped the ball to Noah at the left elbow.  Noah did what any good big man does on an entry pass - quickly turned and looked opposite out to the right wing, where Marco Bellinelli was spotting up all alone for a three pointer.  Noah quickly and deftly raised the ball up over his head and fired a two handed moon-laser up into the second deck of the crowd.  Luckily, most of the Bulls meat sandwich-eating fans had given up on the game by that point and were already gone, so no one was injured by Noah's errant scud missile.  Meanwhile, there were still two seconds to go, so the Heat inbounded the ball to Norris Cole on the move at midcourt, he took a quick dribble or two, and drilled a 26 foot triple with the buzzer going off: 19 point lead, ballgame.  Start your American cars, tubby Midwesterners - beat the traffic out on The Loop!

5) Bulls' coach Tom Thibodeau took a few moments off from whining about the officials, the Heat's flopping, and the Salt II Treaty to insert all-time Connecticut great wing Richard "Rip" Hamilton into the game in the second quarter, setting up an on court matchup between Rip, and the man he succeeded at UConn, Walter Ray Allen. That's a dream matchup for me, I love both of those dudes.  But even more importantly, it created a battle between Rip's awkward headband-over-the-top-of-the-facemask-even-though-I-don't-have-a-broken-nose arrangement versus Ray's shooting-sleeve-with-the-tag-sticking-up-out-of-the-top-of-the-sleeve-and-waving-against-his-tricep, a look he has been rocking all year, and which drives me crazy.  I'm a little A.D.D., and every time he misses a shot, I blame the wayward tag.  Who could shoot well with a tag sticking out like that?  Rip scored 11 points, and his late, four-point, garbage time explosion was almost enough to prevent the Bulls from setting the franchise record for scoring futility.  Ray had a quiet 5 on 2-3 from the floor - didn't really need him.  The winner?  Connecticut, and America!  But mostly Connecticut.

6) Movie review: "Zero Dark Thirty."  I decided to watch "Zero Dark Thirty" over the weekend, even though I had not yet seen "Zero Darks One through Twenty-Nine."  Turns out that "Zero Dark Thirty" was not about Michael Beasley.  At all.


Of all the things you can blame Mike Beasley for messing up, he had virtually no involvement in 9-11, or the subsequent search for Bin Laden.  By the way, I still contend that my theory that Bin Laden was actually former Bulls great Scottie Pippen with a beard and a wacky cap was perfectly sound.  Turns out I was wrong, but it seemed perfectly plausible at the time.


I'll give the movie a 10 out of 10, I was reasonably entertained, although I couldn't understand any of the dialogue because I can't understand accents.  But you know what my big takeaway from the movie was?  It finally occurred to me: how come in other parts of the world, people don't know not to walk right in the middle of the freaking street?  Here in the Western World, even when we don't have sidewalks, we still have this general notion of car-pedestrian integrity.  People get over and walk on the side of the road, and the cars go down the middle part.  In other parts of the world, people just walk wherever, they wander all over the road, the cars are honking with that little "meep-y" foreign honk, but people still mill around, and nobody ever gets where they are going efficiently.  You know how when you are at the grocery store, looking for a place to park your Jesus Car, and someone in front of you is wheeling their groceries down the middle of the aisle, and they don't realize you are behind them?  In other parts of the world, it is that way all the time, on every road, and they don't even have groceries!  Mon Dieu!
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Miami will try to flop its way to a series win on Wednesday night.  If you need me before then, I'll be watching "Zero Dark Forty: The Udonis Haslem Story," in which UD unleashes weapons of mass destruction (his fists) on Taj Gibson.  See you Wednesday!
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Heat 104 Bulls 94 Heat lead 2-1

6 Thoughts

1) NoooooooCooooooooo!!!  LET IT FLY, FLAT-TOP HEAD!!! 

2) Norris Cole was unbelievable for the second straight game.  He came in early and revved up a sluggish Heat attack with 11 first half points.  Then played the entire fourth quarter and made huuugggeee plays down the stretch - a shot-clock-drive-and-finish past Boozer, and a monster shot-clock triple over the defense to put the game away with a minute and a half to go.  Norris made all three of his triples, 6-7 from the floor, and scored 18 points in 24 minutes.  He was the best player on the court in his minutes, and it wasn't even close.  That's an odd thing to write.  King James was weirdly disengaged - just never got any rhythm going, but he hit a clutch shot-clock three down the stretch, then a drive-and-finish over Carlos Boozer to ice it.  Seriously, Carlos Boozer?  That's the one play you are going to contest (weakly)?  A thundering KJ James one inch from the basket?  Next time don't bother!  James finished with 25 points on 6-17 and 8 boards and 7 assists.  Don't know why he couldn't get it revved up until the final moments...

3) The Bulls lost their collective cool for the second straight game.  Late in the first quarter, Nate Robinson went middle, Chris Anderson spiked his shot, and landed on him.   It was a foul - it was a little bit "little-hitting-biggish" (KJ would not get the same call), but whatever.  As Bird rolled off him, Joakim Noah came sprinting over and shoved Bird backwards to the floor, then wisely retreated as Bird scrambled to get up (but was intercepted by teammates, referees, the po-lice,and I think a few Green Berets).  That's the height of studio-gangsterism - you think Jo Noah is gonna shove Chris Anderson during a pop-a-shot game at Boomer's after a few soda pops on a Friday night?  I doubt it.  Noah got t'd up...Then, a few minutes later, as KJ James pushed the ball up the court in transition, Bulls backup big man Nazr Mohammed ran him down from behind, karate chopped him 40 feet from the basket, and wrapped him up.  Not even sure why.  James spun and did fling Mohammed off him to the floor - I guess you have to call that a technical on James, which Joey Crawford did, but I'm not sure what James is supposed to do.  Just take it?  I guess so.  Anyways, as James started to protest his technical, Mohammed stepped back towards James and shoved him in the chest, hard, sending James to the floor - it was absurd.  It was unsportmanlike - I mean, for goodness sake, you instigated the whole encounter.  He was, of course, ejected - and somehow seemed to think he was wronged!  I'd suspend him a game, too, there's really no need for that in a basketball game.  Aggressive play is cool - pushing people when they aren't looking at you - that deserves a suspension.  Not that he matters in the series.  In retrospect, he was probably trying to goad KJ into taking a swing and getting himself ejected - that's pretty much as low as you can sink on a basketball court - but KJ just sat on the floor calmly, as everyone on the Heat, again, rushed to get to the Birdman to prevent him from stepping in!...After the game, Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau, whom I love, embarrassed himself in his press conference.  He accused the Heat of being over-physical, and chippy, and most ridiculously, claimed James flopped on the Mohammed push.  That's a joke, and it's classless - man up, and admit when you make a mistake.  Even if he did flop, what kind of defense is that?  "My guy ran someone down, took a dirty foul, then, after the whistle, when the other guy wasn't looking, he shoved him hard in the chest - and that guy flopped!"  Man, I did not look at it that way!  The Bulls were wronged!  Thibs is hard-core and I love him, but he looked like an absolute putz blaming Miami for the Bulls' lack of composure...Carlos Boozer was even sillier - claimed Mohammed was "defending himself!"  Yes - it was very dangerous out there playing against KJ James - all he does is go out of his way to fight people!  Haaaa!  Boozer is a space shot - I love that kid!  I actually do not think the Bulls are a dirty team - the Pacers are a dirty team, they are trying to hurt you.  But the Bulls are having a really tough time controlling their emotions so far in this series.  Meanwhile, Miami goes about its business with a (at times too) detached cool.  Weird dynamic.

4) Noah wasn't even done - he lost his cool even more down the stretch.  In the third quarter, he injected himself into a Chris Bosh and Mario Chalmers argument, and stood two feet away from them during a dead ball, clapping wildly and screaming "yeahhhhh!" at them.  If he hadn't already received a t, he would have been rung again for that - instead, he just made himself look like a total bleep-hole.  Like a bigger total bleep-hole....Then, after taking a horrific foul by gratuitously grabbing Birmanderson's arm 85 feet from the basket with 1 second to go in the third quarter, which gave Bird 2 free throws, he went on tilt in the fourth quarter.  As Miami started to pull away, he committed two more back-to-back offensive rebounding fouls 90 feet from the hoop, which gave Bosh four free throws, and then, for no real reason, fouled out on purpose with 15 seconds to go when nobody else was playing, by repeatedly slapping KJ James.  Horrible, over-emotional basketball.  And, by the way, I love Noah, he's one of my favorite players - but he definitely needs to grow up a little.  I mean, he's 28 years old, not 9...Immature in this series, he looks stupid.  Bosh played great, he scored 20 points, and outrebounded Noah and Boozer combined, 19-15!  Nice to see you jump again, Chris Bosh!  I totally remembered that from the playoffs last year!

5) (Shhh, Dwyane Wade was absolutely pitiful.  He couldn't guard anyone and he kept throwing bizarre passes to the other team.  His knee has to be hurt, very hurt - he's borderline unplayable right now...Shhhhhh...)

6) The Jesus Car!  In the parking lot at my Publix grocery store!  Yeahhhh, the Jesus Car!!!


Which way am I going?  Great question, Jesus Car, I'm wearing my Mario Chalmers shirt and it's 2-0, so I guess I'm going straight up!  MARIO CHALMERS SHIRT POWER!!!  By the way, are those the flames of Hell licking at the bottom of the car?  That's going to be awful for the undercarriage, I don't think even the MVP service at the Motor City Car Wash on Hypoluxo is going to be able to get all the soot off...
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Yo, Dr. Jack, come on, dude.  Fight this off.  Everybody loves you so much!  All this we are doing now?  You are part of it!...Next game is Monday in Chicago again, ahhhh, weekend off!  If you need me before then, I'll be drag-racing against the Jesus Car in my Chalmersmobile!!!  Also, I'm going to go back to the Publix around the corner, and push one of the bag boys to the ground when he isn't looking!  See you, Monday!
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Heat 115 Bulls 78 Series tied 1-1

6 Thoughts

1) Well, that got a little bit out of hand.  Oh, no - not the score: the Bulls' emotional balance, and TNT announcer Steve Kerr!  Jiminy Cricket, Bulls and Steve Kerr, act like you've been blown out before!  Technicals, flagrants, ejections, announcers going on absolute tilt - this game had it all.  I wore my new Mario Chalmers t-shirt...and Mario Chalmers instantly hit his first two triples: MARIO CHALMERS SHIRT POWER!!!  MARIO CHALMERS SHIRT IS 1-0!!!   Heat is back in this series!  Let it fly!

2) Miami won this game because King James James (Hubieism) went to his playoff-tight-spot mode, which essentially boils down to "I do everything; everyone else try to do something."  Also, because virtually every Bulls player got ejected.  But mostly because of KJ.  In Game 1, he spent three quarters trying to get everyone else involved, but their involvement was mostly turnovers and missed open shots.  Tonight he lowered his head, thundered to the rim, and dared the Bulls to stop him: 6-6 for 12 points in the first quarter.  For awhile, the Heat did leave him alone, but when Norris Cole drilled back-to-back triples to end the half, Miami led by 14.  King James spent the third quarter picking the Bulls apart with drive-and-kicks, and one insane behind the back laser to Ray Allen for a layup-and-one.  He didn't have to play the fourth quarter, and his numbers - 19 points, 9 assists, 5 rebounds, and 3 steals in only 32 minutes - don't even remotely describe how dominant he was.  This was vintage KJ James.

3) The good, and the bad: Norris Cole was the second best player on the court tonight.  Chalmers was good, too - scored 11 points with 2 triples, 4 assists, and 4 rebounds - but when Norris came in the game, his athleticism on both ends of the court helped Miami win the scrums they lost in Game 1, and helped force Nate Robinson into a 3-10, 4 turnover affair.  That Norris knocked down shots - 4-4 triples and 18 points - was a bonus.  He was great...On the other end, Dwyane Wade looked grouchy, gimpy, and his numbers wallpapered over how poorly he played.  He did score 15 points on 7-11, but those were mostly runouts and backcuts where he got clean to the rim.  I thought he was slow defensively, and did not change directions, or get off his feet, well.  The first play of the game, he got a runout, Marco Bellinelli gave him a reasonably sharp whack from behind to stop the layup, and Dwyane wheeled around and threw the ball at him.  He never looked like he felt good, and I kept waiting for him to punch someone in the mouth as the game got testier.  Hopefully, he's not hurt as much as he is trying to get his legs back under him.  We'll see.

4) Dwyane's technical for throwing the ball at Bellinelli was the start of all the extra-curricular activity.  Later in the half, Bird Anderson checked in and instantly bodychecked Bellinelli into the crowd for a flagrant foul.  Seemed dumb, but okay, he's the Birdman, who am I to argue?  The Bulls responded with the obligatory "excessive reverse-shoulder pull-back" every time KJ went to the basket, which KJ tried to, literally and figuratively, shrug off.  He knew they weren't going to be called flagrants, they weren't called flagrants, and instead they gave him a technical foul along with Noah on a play where he took exception to Noah smacking him well after the whistle had blown - I mean, welcome to KJ's life, that's S.O.P. up in this league for some reason.  Bird was going at it with Joahomophobe Noah, he was going at it with Taj Gibson, and everyone else on the Bulls (not Boozer, he could care less), and finally Nate Robinson got a technical for arguing with him late in the third quarter.  In the early fourth quarter, with the Heat's lead having ballooned to the mid 30s (Bulls already got one on the road - they gave it up early, that happens in every playoff series when a team gets the first one on the road), M.Minutos predicted, "there is no way Nate Robinson makes it through this quarter without getting ejected."  Instead, instantly Taj Gibson caught a pass in the lane, clearly shuffled his feet, stepped to the rim, and took a reasonably hard foul.  Referee Scott Foster, who called somewhere between 20 and 70 fouls in this game, as well as, I believe, all 9 technicals and the one flagrant, called a travel on Gibson.  He acknowledged the foul, but showed Gibson, "hey, you walked first."  Which he had.  Next possession Gibson grabbed an offensive rebound, spun around, gathered, and Birdmanderson stood there measuring him, like, "is he really gonna try to flip it from there?  Cuz if he does, I'm gonna swipe it out of the sky with a giant wing flap."  Gibson did try, and Bird did crush it, the Heat ran out, and Ray Allen made a layup while getting fouled, which prompted Noah to leap off the bench and walk onto the court screaming at Foster - hard to know if he got ejected for a second technical, or instantly for walking on to the court hurling f-bombs!  Meanwhile, Ray made the technical, and as they lined up for his and-one, I said to M.Minutos, "Gibson isn't gonna stop yapping at Foster till he gets t'd up," and he didn't, and Foster did, and then Gibson went mental, and tried to rush Foster, who instantly ejected him, while Gibson was screaming "F- you, motherf-er!" over and over.  Umm, that's gonna be a fine for "failing to leave the court in a timely manner," you know that, right, Taj?  Ray stood there and made, ohh, maybe 8 straight technical free throws - by the time the whole thing was over, the Heat led by somewhere in the mid-40s, and Ray ended up with 21 points on only 7 shots from the floor!

5) Only, it wasn't quite over, not yet.  Because you know who went into NoahandGibsonesque tilt mode?  TNT announcer, and former Chicago Bull, Steve Kerr!  It was hilarious!  He had already demanded that Mario Chalmers get fined in the third quarter for a play when he kind of grabbed Noah around the neck going over his illegal screen (it will never happen: MARIO CHALMERS SHIRT POWER!).  I don't know if Kerr couldn't get a table at Prime Italian last night, or his pasty little booty got sunburned on South Beach, but, damnnn, was he ever aggravated by the Noah and Gibson ejections, claiming they were smart to get ejected: "there's no greater disrespect as a player than when you are already getting blown out and the officials blatantly miss a couple of calls," and then he bellyached about the Gibson walk, and claimed Bird's block should have been goaltending.  Really, no greater disrespect?  How about when the team trades you against your will to Cleveland or Detroit?  How about when your franchise publicly leaks that you are totally all  the way back from knee surgery and ready to play in games, without first asking you if it's okay to release that opinion?  Nope!  It's when you're getting blown out and a couple of meaningless calls go against you.  First of all, the walk on Gibson was blatant - there was no arguing it.  Second, the block by Bird looked fine - is it possible it was maybe on its way down when Bird slapped it?  I guess it's possible - it certainly wasn't blatant, and it would have cut the lead to, like 35, with 10 minutes to go.  So it didn't seem that important, except to Steve Kerr!  In any case, Nazr Mohammed checked in for the ejected Gibson and instantly committed three aggressive fouls on the same possession: shoved Wade to the floor and stood over him; shoved Bird down on a rebound; went up high late on a Bird drive.  The refs, I guess trying to calm the situation down, didn't call any of them flagrants, although they all probably were by the standard they had set, and Steve Kerr spent the rest of the game defiantly pointing out over and over that getting blown out doesn't mean anything to the Bulls, and they already did what they had to do by winning Game 1.  All of which is true: we got it, Steve Kerr, we know those things!  It is really rare to see an announcer - especially a national announcer, not one of the team's announcers - come unraveled like that!  So awesome!  This series is going to be a war...with Steve Kerr!!!

6) Let's talk about clapping. It's an important topic; not too many people do it correctly, or have the guts to bring it up in a public forum like this. Last night I was at an elementary school awards banquet for one of my sons. There were a ton of awards given out, and every time a kid went up to receive his award, of course, we all had to clap. That's fine - we all understand that's part of the charade of making kids feel like life is going to work out for them. But let's set some basic boundaries. And by "set some basic boundaries," I mean, of course, "everyone should do exactly what I do." I give four solid claps, in measured succession. Like this: "Clap-Clap-Clap-Clap." Then I stop. It's a fairly loud clap because I am a powerful man, so it contributes in an appropriate way to the noise level of the cheering. But it doesn't overdo it. Four claps is the perfect number. Any fewer than four, and you're half-assing it. More than four and you're pandering: "look at me and my clapping!" And if you vary your claps in number, or volume, or cadence, that's terrible, that's the worst thing you can do, that's chaos-theory at work, that's the kind of thing that brings society to its knees. Did you ever see the movie "28 Days Later," in which crazy, rage-filled zombies in England try to murder Cillian Murphy and Naomie Harris, and everyone else in the country? That's the kind of unbalanced, chaotic society that unstructured clapping can create. Don't do it. Think about your clapping.
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Well, the series shifts to Chicago for Game 3 on Friday.  If you need me before then, I will be wearing my Mario Chalmers shirt (MARIO CHALMERS SHIRT POWER), and buying Steve Kerr tampons, just in case he's still, you know, 'bout that time on Friday.  See you then!
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Bulls 93 Heat 86 Bulls lead 1-0

6 Thoughts

1) I’ve already received like 100 emails, texts, and tweets blaming this loss on me, since I guaranteed the Nets would beat the Bulls in Round 1, and because I said the Bulls “stink.”  You can give me the blame for the loss if it makes you feel better, that’s fine.  Just know that, myself, I’ll be putting the blame where it truly belongs: on the Nets.  This is all their fault.  What the hell, Nets!...It’s been so long since Miami lost a meaningful basketball game that it feels like someone died up in here.  I don’t even have the energy for a defiant “let’s go;” how about a half-hearted “let’s get on with it?”

2) Still, the weird thing was that I thought the game went fine…right up until it didn’t.  Miami hasn’t really played a competitive basketball game for several weeks – the Bucks went on vacation long before their series with the Heat started.  Predictably, Miami was rusty, and a step slow – and still, after back-to-back KJ James finishes through Jimmy Butler, Miami led by 7 points halfway through the fourth quarter.  What else do you want?  All year Miami has out executed teams down the stretch of games, but tonight, it was a comedy of errors.  Miami fouled too much and allowed the Bulls to claw their way back into the game from the line.  Chalmers and James missed crucial free throws of their own.  James didn’t get a body on noted homophobe Joakim Noah on a defensive rebound, and it resulted in a Marco Bellinelli three to tie the game with a couple of minutes to go.  Out of a timeout,  Wade took a horrific early triple on a play that looked like it was supposed to be a James postup, and worse, kept getting lost guarding Jimmy Butler.  Finally, at the most crucial of junctures, Ray Allen ended up on Nate Robinson on a switch at the top of the key, Robinson blew by him, and James and Chris Bosh (who was otherwise good defensively) watched him lay the ball into the bucket for the backbreaking hoop.  Miami held the Bulls to 58 points through 3 quarters, then gave up 35 in the fourth.  Everything that could go wrong did go wrong.   It was a collective effort, everyone played poorly at the end.  Again, to be fair, it’s more the Nets’ fault than Miami’s – the Bulls shouldn’t have even been playing in this game.

3) Jimmy Butler was the best player on the court, I thought.  Noah was great, too, and KJ James came alive in the second half, but Butler played all 48 minutes, most of them pressed up tight defensively into KJ James’ airspace.  He was strong, he was quick, and he limited KJ to 24 points on 8-17 – never allowed him to feel comfortable.  Furthermore, on the other end, Dwyane Wade could absolutely not guard him.  Butler worked his way to the line for 10 free throws and scored 21 points, which included an and-one on Battier (on an utterly bizarre foul call), and another on Wade, on a play Dwyane couldn’t have played worse – lazily trailed a Butler cut to the basket off the ball, and tried to blocked his shot from a bad angle.  Butler also knocked in a huge late triple  because Dwyane gave him space to protect against another blow-by.  And grabbed 14 rebounds!  Kid was unbelievable.  Tip your hat to him.  Not sure if Dwyane’s knee is still hurt, or he’s just rusty from a long, long layoff.  But he was terrible on both ends.  Besides his poor defense, he also only scored 14 points on 16 shots.  If he gets badly outplayed by Jimmy Butler on both ends, this could end up being a long series.  C’mon, Dwyane – I know you’re old dude, but you need to ramp it up.  Stay calm, and play basketball.

4) Miami never made shots in this game.  They started the night moving the ball fairly well, and got wide open looks for the shooters.  But Allen, Chalmers, Battier, and Mike Miller were a combined 4-17 on threes.  They got good looks; they just didn’t go in.  It’s rare they all shoot poorly on the same night.  In the second half, Chicago changed up its defense.  Instead of sitting everyone in the paint and allowing Miami to get those same looks, the Bulls’ wings  hugged the shooters, sat Noah at the rim, and allowed James and Wade to take runs at him.  James made some plays, but Wade kept hurling himself at Noah, trying to draw a foul, and stuffing himself on the bottom of the rim.  It’s a little like when the Heat played the Pacers in the playoffs last year – it took Wade and James a little while to understand to pull up and shoot the short jumpers and floaters over Hibbert when he sat down in the lane.  They need to get to the same place against Noah.

5) KJ James won his second straight MVP award yesterday, but he was not the first ever unanimous selection because Gary Washburn of the Boston Globe voted for Carmelo Anthony!  First of all, congratulations to KJ – it’s his fourth MVP, and he’s in pretty rare company (Chamberlain, Jabbar, Russell, and Jordan, although I do not count Jordan).  Second of all, it was funny to see a lot of the Heat beat writers rush to Washburn’s defense in a backhanded way, which essentially boiled down to: “no, no, he didn’t do it out of spite because he’s from Boston – he’s just kind of a dope.”  Washburn confirmed this when he claimed to be shocked that KJ had won in a runaway.  Other elections that surprised him: both landslide Obama victories (“I thought Northeastern centrists loved Palin”); Coke’s continued dominance over Pepsi in blind taste tests; and Hitler’s victory over more moderate options in late 1930s Germany (“it wasn’t the fact that he won that surprised me – I just thought he’d be a far more sympathetic leader – shocked he turned out to be somewhat racist”).  Had Washburn voted for Jimmy Butler, yes, that would have made sense.  But Carmelo Anthony?  It’s hard to believe that newspapers are dying, the people who write for them are so suh-maaart.

6) You know what “hiking” is?  It is white people trying to make “going for a walk” sound more edgy and dangerous.  Hey, white people, you are not exactly putting yourself in any peril when you park your Volvo station wagon in a leafy, shaded, paved lot three miles from your house, and then traipse around the reservoir for an hour in West Hartford, Connecticut, my very white hometown.  That is “strolling,” not “hiking.”  We white people try to make anything we do seem cooler than it is!
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Okay, so we lost a game.  We were in worse spots – twice – in last year’s playoffs (down 2-1 to Indiana on the road, and 3-2 to Boston on the road), and we also lost Game 1 of the Finals.  If we lose Game 2 at home, we can all panic.  For now, stay calm, eat some lean protein…go for a hike.  We’ll be back at it Wednesday.  If you need me before then, I’ll be tabulating the results of the All-NBA teams.  Hey, look here, someone voted for Brandon Bass at All-NBA first team power forward!  Wonder who that was?  See you Wednesday!
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