What is up? We are back with this season's first edition of Rejected Blog Topics. These are ideas that we bounced around in Dos Minutos International Headquarters but which never appeared in a post. Generally, that is because they weren't interesting enough, or funny enough, or were considered too offensive - so don't expect too much. Ready? Here goes...
-So we have talked about this before: you know the series of Hanes advertisements which inexplicably feature Michael Jordan gaying it up in his underwear with a series of semi-washed up, sort-of boyfriends? First there was Kevin Bacon, then Cuba Gooding Jr., and finally Charlie Sheen? So we were trying to figure out who would be the next logical Mike Jordan boyfriend for a new series of ads. Number one on our list: Jimmy Smits. Positives: we all immediately know who he is, but he isn't too big for the ads; it would allow Hanes to address the growing Hispanic market; and he wears a wig, like Charlie Sheen. Primary negative: we are not sure he is still alive. If Hanes doesn't like the suggestion, we recommend that Fruit of the Loom jump all over him, and pair him with Clyde Drexler in their own series of gay underwear commercials. By the way, finishing second on our list was Damon Wayans. I reasoned that he would probably be available because it was unclear what he has been doing for the past fifteen years. The Captain said that the only Wayans whom he knew for certain had been doing anything in the past fifteen years was Jim Carrey...
-This is a brand new one: Just watched Anton Aponio Ono, or whatever, win a silver medal in the men's short track speed skate race from the Olympics in Vancouver. Exciting finish in which two Korean guys wiped each other out on the final turn, allowing Ono to medal. As the crash happened and the dudes sped across the finish line, the announcer screamed: "America - if you missed Short Track Speed Skating for the past four years - it's back!!!" I don't know about America, but this American, for one, couldn't be happier...See you in four more years, Ono.
-I may have mentioned this, but at some point over the summer I downloaded Motley Crue's "Girl, Don't Go Away Mad," and listened to it between ninety and two hundred and thirty times in a two week span. Much to the chagrin of M.Minutos. Due to an iTunes snafu, I lost the song - it's like, it wasn't on my iPod any more, nor on my iTunes, and I didn't think to get it again. Well, now I've thought about it - just a warning, M.Minutos...
-As you may have noticed, we spend a lot of time talking about Tiger Woods in Dos IHQs. One day we read that John Daly offered his time and services to Tiger Woods, if he ever needed advice or someone to talk to you. Oh my heavens - this is more serious than even we imagined. If you are going to John Daly for advice, you have major, major problems. The only thing you should be going to John Daly for is vodka to pour into your Arnold Palmer. Or, chicken wings.
-Oh, so a lot of these ideas I write down on to yellow stickies, and just leave them in a pile somewhere. Sometimes later I can't decipher what I wrote, or I just didn't write enough to remember what the RBT was. This note says: "We are all for women getting an equal chance, as long as it is in cooking." That's self-explanatory, that's just common sense. But then it goes on to say: "If Rachel Ray was...no, and you don't see her doing b-ball; left wing conspiracy." Can't quite remember what that was, although it sounds like The Captain railing against Title IX. Remember, these things never made it into the blog for a reason...
-I think this might have made it in to the blog, but our, um, archivist, is, um, out? Worth reiterating. I was ranking the gayest Beatles songs: 1) Eleanor Rigby; 2) Taxman; 3) all the other ones. The Captain stopped the conversation by calling me daft. He doesn't even like The Beatles, though, he just wanted to say the word "daft."
-Our friend Faither from Scotland wrote me the day before New Year's Eve to tell me to get a bottle of Glenmorangie to ring in the new year. Because I like Heat Coach Eric Spoelstra, and Faither is not a fan, and we tend to argue about him from time to time, I couldn't be sure that it wasn't poison, so I didn't do it. If anyone has ever had a glass of Glenmorangie - and lived - let me know.
-This one says: "Joe Namath - dogs." Former Jets quarterback Joe Namath lives near Dos IHQs, and there was something about his dogs, but now I don't remember what it was. I think his dogs were biting people. All I remember is that we saved the article to show to our friend Stu, who is a big Jets fan. Stu is from - shocker - Long Island. What? A Jets fan from Long Island? What were the odds? In a more recent related story, I may or may not have a non-sexual - okay, mostly non-sexual - man-crush on current Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez. During the Superbowl, his smolderingly heartfelt PSA appeal to the ladies to make sure to check for breast cancer because "we need you," has me probing my nipple area every day.
-Here's another one I can only vaguely remember: The Captain and I were worried about the dentist getting our DNA on his fingers. I can't remember why we were worried about it, but I remember how alarmed we were at the time.
-This is a big one. A point of emphasis over the past several months at the IHQs has been on "gravy trains." Guess where they end? Right here, at this blog. Your days of riding on the gravy train are over, people. Do we know what that means? Not really. But believe it.
-Oh, so our favorite reader, Scott, wrote in to ask us who our favorite actress was at Dos IHQs. And by "favorite," we assumed he meant "hottest." At least that's how we took it. Well, we discussed this one day at Scott's request, and for the three hundred and twelfth straight time we have had that conversation, Scarlett Johansson was the winner. Although - and we can't stress this enough - we really, really encourage her to leave the dopey music career alone, and just concentrate on being hot. She recently starred in a movie extremely well-reviewed here, "She's Just Not That Into You," getting groped on a married man's desk in his office. Normally this would be a turn-off, but not in this case. Because the dude? Dos fave Bradley Cooper! Hard to say who was hotter in that scene! We also liked Mila Kunis (but only in Sarah Marshall, not in anything else), Rosario Dawson, and Halle Berry. We thought that the hottest couples were Jay-Z and Beyonce - mostly for Beyonce; and Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe - but mostly for Ryan Phillippe. Least hot: Pink (too potty-mouthed), and Ellen DeGeneres. For the record, The Captain also said he had never been into Uma Thurman that much, but had recently gained new "respect" for her when he saw a naked scene she did in a movie whose name escaped him. I will watch that movie - as soon as I can figure out what it is - and report back here in the blog...
-We asked Plumber for a prediction for the last season of Lost - how did he think it would end? Turned out, Plumber stopped watching it about two seasons ago. Oops! He's back in now, and gave a prediction that the nuclear explosion created two realities and that everyone has to die on the island to live in real life. Also, that Jacob is now in Sayid's body, and that John Locke is the bad guy. Look, it was a dumb idea on my part to ask him that for inclusion in the blog - I know no one cares besides me. My prediction? The gravy train ends for all of them...
-Oh, one day we read a great article in which Frank Stallone claimed that he was really the Stallone who got famous first, and then Sly rode on his back to fame and fortune. Totally counter intuitive.
-Ah, yes. One day I stop in at a gas station to get a bottle of water. I was a little hungry, but I didn't want to eat chips, or candy, so I got this super idea to eat a Slim Jim. Except, you know what? Not a super idea. In fact, a terrible, terrible idea. Had severe stomach cramping for four days, plus the injection of sodium in to my system gave me the mild shakes for about a week. Let this be a warning to you kids out there...
-Number one Dos Minutos song at the moment: "Daddy Needs a Drink," by Drive-By Truckers. Why? I think we all know why...
-Oh, this was from a reader. I think we were talking about terrible performances in movies in the blog, and I think, maybe, it was specifically about terrible Al Pacino performances in movies (basically any performance after about 1982). Our reader thought the definitive terrible Al Pacino performance was in Carlito's Way. Tough for me to say because I never saw it. Was it after 1982? It was 1983? Yes? Okay, I can live with it, that's the winner.
-Bad year for very, very white guys getting divorced: golfer Greg Norman, and CBS announcer Jim Nantz. Very divided on Jim Nantz in our office - Captain thought he would be cool to hang out with. Jim Nantz? Really? Wow.
-I had this excellent idea one day: The Captain, who hates all unions, should start a union, collect dues, and then just keep them, to spite people who would be inclined to join a union. We may do that one, actually, keep this on the down-low.
-So I am working on a Masters degree and ultimately trying to write the definitive historical work on mid-twentieth century Miami. Taking classes at a state university in Florida where, every single time I am there, I lament the fact that I went to college in the northeast at a school where all the girls wore turtlenecks and slacks, and worried about their careers. What a terrible, terrible idea that was. What the hell was wrong with my guidance counselor? That wasn't good guidance at all.
-Okay, several people have asked me if I saw the trailers during the Superbowl for these two upcoming movies, and all I can say is, Yes, yes I did. One, Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston in what appears to be the most incredibly nauseating romantic comedy of all-time - and when I say "nauseating," I am referring, of course, to Gerard Butler - titled...I don't know what it is titled, actually. Two, it's late spring competition: from the director of Gladiator, Ridley Scott; and the star of Gladiator, Russell Crowe; a movie which looks exactly like Gladiator II, except it has a different title. From the trailer, I couldn't even be sure it wasn't just left over footage, although that would be hard to believe because the awful, interminable, hack-fest Gladiator checked in at about six hours. I can neither confirm nor deny that I nearly got into a fistfight at a showing of Gladiator, mostly just because I hated the movie so much, while M.Minutos may or may not have looked on in horror. Anyways, these two movies coming out at the same time may not be an indication of The Rapture, but I wouldn't be too sure.
-Oh, this is mostly for Plumber, I think I forgot to tell him this. The Nets, who are like, 4-48, lost to a really bad team again at home, and The Captain and I were incredulous that they could keep losing those games, and someone goes, "It's just bad teams playing bad. Somebody's going to win, somebody's going to lose, but they're all going to stink."
-Oh, man - I wish I remembered this one. It was something about log cabins. I think someone we know told us he bought a log cabin recently, or something - no, he was looking for an investment property to buy - that's it - and he had seen a log cabin. Oh, yes, that's a sure-fire winner! Where did you see that property? 1865?
-So Brendan Fraser, who always plays a man out of his time in every movie, recently played a man in time in a movie with Harrison Ford. From the trailer, it appeared that Fraser had a sick son, and wanted Harrison Ford to cure him, but there was no cure for that disease yet. I was, like, he should just go back in time to when his son didn't have the disease, and start working on the cure then, but M.Minutos was, like, I wish he would just go back in time to before he was an actor and go to, like, business school...
-You know how James Earl Jones does every voice over on earth because we instantly have to respect his gravitas just because he has a deep voice? Recently, with O. and P.Minutos, watched an MLK special voiced over by another large, three-named black man, Michael Clarke Duncan. When JEJ finds out about this, he is going to be pissed.
-Did we pitch this on the blog yet? Idea for t.v. show: "Low Carb High School."
-Recent one: just went to Disney World, stayed at the Animal Kingdom Lodge. A friend of ours told us, "don't worry - there's a bar there." Oh, good, I was a little worried. We asked if they had regular drinks or only African drinks, and Captain goes, "I'll have a Nigerian Sunrise, and a Double Mandela, extra dry."
-Oh, we asked a Haitian friend of ours if he thought Haitians would like former Heat center Alonzo Mourning as their next president. He goes, "Sure, they would love him, they have never had a professional like that," and we go, "a professional athlete?" and he goes, "No, a professional anything."
-This is a little late, but on Superbowl Sunday I parlayed Brees for MVP, the over, and Will.i.am to suck in whatever capacity he served in on Superbowl weekend, because it was bound to be something. Lost the bet when the game went under.
-We were talking about the iPad one day. We thought it will be cool when we finally get the technology where we don't even need the computer at all - we can just think an email, and it gets sent wherever we want it to go. Right now, of course, the only guy who can do that is Tom Cruise. Scientology, boy!
-Oh, Michelle Obama got elected or something to run a task force on obesity in America. Even The Captain approved of that - he thinks obesity is a problem, and that Michelle Obama is a smart, likable person to work on it. We both agreed on who would not be a smart, likable person to work on it: Hilary Clinton. No kid is going to listen to her - if she tells a kid "no Twinkies," he is going to shove five in his mouth at one time just to defy her. She gives off that vibe. In any case, it was a beautiful moment at Dos IHQs: Dos, an ardent supporter of free speech and parking; and The Captain, hater of unions and George Clooney, putting aside our political differences and coming together over our distaste for Hilary Clinton...
-Great idea by Thor: a website that you use when you are going to a concert. You type in what band you are going to see, where the show is, and maybe how old you are, and it tells you what to wear. Prompted by an incident several years ago when a friend of ours went to a Rob Thomas concert wearing a Rob Thomas t-shirt. I mean, of course, you shouldn't be going to a Rob Thomas concert in the first place - unless you absolutely hate music - but if you do, goodness gracious, don't wear his t-shirt. This website would tell you exactly what to wear. Like, Wilco in Miami, thirty-seven years old: Jeans (slightly faded, no holes), old suede kickers, and a plain v-neck grey t-shirt (not too big or too tight). By the way, you know the one guy who can do this instinctively, without the website? That's right - Tom Cruise...
Alright, sorry to be so long - believe me, there's more, but we'll save them - and we'll see you Tuesday to begin the stretch run...
-----
