1) Dwyane Wade's night: bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, injured, take the third quarter off, bad, bad, awful, awful, pretty much lose the game...win the game back on one play. Ballgame, start the bus, get to the plane, get out of town. Is there an airport in Charlotte? Charlotte's fairly big, right?
2) In their first back-to-back of the year, after two emotional, season opening wins against their two biggest rivals, Miami looked tired, slow, disinterested, and got down 11-0 as Charlotte buzzed all over the court in, literally, the biggest home game they will play all year. Unless we play here again at some point- haven't memorized all 66 games on the schedule. Yet. Miami got down 15 at half, couldn't find their legs, couldn't find their rhythm, and little Charlotte point guard D.J. Augustin kept knocking down jumpers. In the third quarter, with Wade in the locker room nursing a bruised foot, LeBron took over, powering to the rim for layup after layup, and also checked Augustin, shutting him down totally, and turning him over repeatedly. It was one of those nights where LeBron looked like a man among boys: 35 points on only 23 shots, 6 boards, 7 assists, 3 steals, and 2 blocks. He was crazy. He was like Dwyane Wade! After the game, LeBron told Jason Jackson, "Without Dwyane out there, I had to add a little to the offensive power." Ha! Well said! Dwyane returned for the fourth quarter, and down the stretch turned the ball over up two with less than a minute to go; then lost his cover, Gerald Henderson, who banged a triple to put Charlotte up 1 with 12 seconds to go; but then took Henderson to the block and banked in the game-winner with 3 seconds left. So that last part was good.
3) Something I have never seen before: late in the third quarter, Charlotte rookie, and Connecticut champion!, Kemba Walker steamed downcourt with the ball. As he got to the paint, who was waiting for him? Mr. Shane Battier. Of course he was. As Walker started to pick a lane to drive, Battier got in front of him, and instead of waiting for Walker to throw a fake on him, he started to throw fakes on Walker, jittering quickly back and forth before calculating Walker's path, leaping in front of him, and drawing a charge. Not only have I never seen anyone do that before, I've never even seen a player who would actually want to do that - I mean, it was about as nerdy-looking a thing as you could do on basketball court. I mean, it worked, but it was bizarre. It stunned everyone on the court - the ref called a charge and everyone just stood around, like, "What the hell was that?" Meanwhile, in Casa Dos, I looked at M.Minutos and said, "What the hell was that?" Battier had a huge impact in this game: drew at least three charges that I remember, blocked three shots, and probably caused two other turnovers. Not sure exactly who said it in Casa Dos during the first half when Miami was down double digits, but someone said "I don't see how this guy is helping us at all. How is he helping us? He hasn't done anything so far this season." Let's not worry about who said what -- let's just all agree that Shane Battier is nerdy, a clever and determined defender, and at least tonight, he helped win a basketball game without scoring a single point, which I am sure is what he dreams about. Goodness gracious.
4) Play of the game: late in the fourth quarter, in a close game, Corey Maggette drove baseline, looked like he had a layup, and then Chris Bosh swooped in and blocked his shot. The ball bounced out towards the corner, almost certain to go out of bounds, retained by Charlotte, when LeBron swooped in, grabbed it, spun 180 degrees while leaping out of bounds, and fired a 70 foot strike down court to a basket-hanging Dwyane Wade for an uncontested dunk. Insane! No, not LeBron's pass -- Chris Bosh aggressively blocked a shot!!! Also, on another play, put D.J. White on a poster by taking two dribbles down the lane and throwing it on him for an and-one! Don't overheat, Big Fella! He was great tonight again, 25 on only 13 shots. If we played a team with a frontline with no one taller than 6'8" every night, like Charlotte, Chris would be Wilt Chamberlain!!!
5) Here is the Heat's new player introduction video, which debuted last night at The Trip. Is Shane Battier wearing a polo shirt, collar-up, underneath another polo shirt, collar also up? What do you mean? Of course he is! Why wouldn't he? Also, Eddy Curry has never looked more handsome!
6) Because I'm always trying to get smarter, I have been watching the Kardasian show for the last month or so. For years I've felt dumb because I don't understand who the Kardashians are. Here is what I knew about them before watching the show: their dad was that cheesy lawyer who was friends with OJ, but when he actually had to have a trial, they got better lawyers to defend OJ; one of the Kardashians is married to former Olympian Bruce Jenner, who everyone had always non-pejoratively assumed was gay, and who looks like an unholy freak due to plastic surgery gone way wrong; the main Kardashian, Kim, got famous for dating like C- level celebrities; former Laker Lamar Odom is married to a Kardashian, but she is not that attractive. Now, after watching the show for a month, I still don't totally get who they are - M.Minutos says they are famous "because they are glamorous." Okay, I am going with that. Here I am ranking the Kardashians, from worst to best:
5) Kris Humphries. This dude is a walking date rape.
4) The "other" Kardashian. Not the chunky one married to Lamar Odom, and not Kim. She
seems boring, and annoying,and she hates sex - she constantly is on her husband's case
(more on him in a minute). I would hate to be married to this woman.
3) The chunky Kardashian. She seems the most reasonable, but doesn't do much that is
actually likable. She's just not unlikable. Lamar Odom seems nice (and always has - we
had him in Miami for a year, he was very pleasant, and then we traded him for Shaq and won the
title).
2) Kim Kardashian. She seems both petty and dopey. But, I have to admit, she is rather attractive,
and that has to count for something.
1) Spencer Kardashian. He is married to the Kardashian in # 4. Oh, he's not married to her - but he
is the father of their child. His name is also not Spencer. I'm not sure what it is - unsurprisingly,
I don't know who "Spencer and Heidi" are, either, but this is the guy that I always imagined was
Spencer, even though M.Minutos assures me that it is not. Doesn't matter who he is, this guy is
great. He is a formal dresser - always looks sharp, and he announces his every thought as though
it is some kind of official proclamation. He is aggravated that his girlfriend won't have sex with
him, he has given up drinking, and he is constantly trying to advise Kris Humphries how to
survive being with a Kardashian, even though he never takes his advice. He dresses and acts
like he is about forty-eight years old, even though I assume he is in his twenties. Last week, he
tried to re-connect with his Jewish roots, which was difficult because the yarmulke kept slipping
off his slicked back hair. I love this kid, I wish he would spin off into his own show. Here he is,
looking dashing as hell:
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That's a wrap from Charlotte. See you Friday in Minnesota. My boy Mike Beasley! If you need me before then, I'll be yarmulke shopping!
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