6 Thoughts
1) Coach Spo's an All Star now, boy! He's a champ and an All Star - today's win clinched it! Did the always serious Spo relent and enjoy the moment, did he celebrate? "Well, the most important thing is that we have the best record in the East." He is a coaching robot! Lighten up, boy! Actually, he did smile and enjoy it a little bit - remember, Rondo's hurt. If Rondo's playing, no, I wouldn't want to coach the All Stars, either. #Doucheball...Good win for the Heat today, couldn't get a call again, and got a little frustrated, but stayed at it and the Big Three did enough to pull away at the end. Let's get through this quick and enjoy some football. Let it fly!
2) Chris Bosh came back to the city where he started his career and took his old team apart in the second half: 22 points after halftime, including a late dagger triple from the left corner to put the game away - I think it's only like #9 on the season for him. I predicted he'd hit 50; at this point I'd settle for 15. Umm, oops? For the game: 28 points on 12-19. KJ James backed him up with 30 on 10-16, and Dwyane Wade had 23 on 10-18. That's efficient - Heat shot 53% from the field, and held the Raptors to 37%. This would have been a blowout, except for...
3) ...the referees. For the second straight game, Miami had a rough shake of it. That happens on the road in the NBA, that's life. But, still, it's frustrating. Dwyane Wade had three early fouls called him - two very shaky - and had to sit down a lot of the first half. Chris Anderson got three quick ones as well. Raptors wings DeMar DeRozan and Rudy Gay wore out a path to the free throw line in the first three quarters. Meanwhile, KJ James kept driving with force, got repeatedly hammered, and couldn't get a call. On the last play of the first quarter, the Heat cleared out the top for KJ, he beat Rudy Gay off the dribble going right, got bodychecked, powered through it, got to the rim, took another blast, fought it off, and finished. No call. He never gets that call, especially at the end of a quarter - I don't know what you'd have to do to get a foul called on you while hitting KJ on the last play of a quarter - you would literally have to behead him, I think. Landed and freaked out a little - he just takes so many shots like that, it's completely bizarre. I don't know if refs want him to start falling down before they will call it a foul - I thought they were trying to take flopping out of the game. The Raptors shot 32 free throws to the Heat's 23, even though Miami lived in the paint all night. Frustrating. But even all that paled in comparison to what happened in the third quarter - with the Heat starting to pull away from the Raps, Mario Chalmers tried to penetrate from the top and dribbled the ball off his foot right into Rudy Gay's hands. Gay started to push the ball and Chalmers just grabbed him from behind to stop the break. Dwyane Wade was two steps in front of Gay just to his right, and retreating, and over on the left wing, KJ James was five steps ahead of Gay, and also retreating. It was even remotely a clear path foul - Rudy Gay wasn't even close to being behind all the Heat defenders - in fact, two guys were clearly ahead of him. One wayyy ahead of him. The game went to commercial, and when it came back, Gay was standing on an empty free throw line: clear path foul. I've seen bad calls that were more impactful, fouls in bigger spots, fouls in important games. But I don't think I've ever seen a worse call. Even Heat announcers Eric Reid and Tony Fiorentino were going mental as they showed the replay - most times, on clear path fouls, the refs are allowed to check the replay. It was unclear if they did or not, since the game was at commercial. Somehow Eric and Tony weren't sure if they had. If they didn't, somehow all three guys missed two Heat players a combined 15 feet ahead of the play; if they did, they don't know the clear path rule. That's not hard to believe - I've seen refs not know rules before. But that was brutal - I mean, refereeing is these guys' full-time jobs - you would think they could reach a certain baseline of competence. It didn't matter, ultimately, but the calls are swinging the wrong way on Miami right now. I want to fight Joey Crawford!
4) Play of the game: Dwyane Wade spent most of the first half on the bench with three fouls; Raptors guard DeMar DeRozan spent most of the first half standing on the free throw line, stroking freebies after bad calls. On the first play of the second half, with the Raptors leading by 6 (and Miami lucky to be down only that much after all the bizarre officiating), DeRozan tried to take Wade to the block, looking to score, or even better, draw Wade's fourth foul and sit him down again. He tried to back in, and back in, and Wade held his ground, and held his ground, and finally DeRozan turned over his shoulder to shoot a fadeaway and Wade went up with him and tattooed the ball back into his face. Emcee Chalmers picked it up, the Heat went down and scored, and then spent the last two quarters hammering Toronto - held them to 35 in the second half, phantom clear path foul calls and all. Again, for the one millionth time: don't f- with Dwyane Wade, don't clear out a side and try to back him down in space, and embarrass him. Unless you love the taste of leather on your lips, then, yes, by all means, do it. DumbMar DeRozan.
5) How do you get a rep as a L'il Turd? Umm, if you're John Lucas III, you do this: when KJ James sprints down an overthrown hit-ahead pass in transition, you're trailing him, KJ gets to the ball just before the baseline in the corner, comes to a stop, and is trying to balance so he doesn't fall out of bounds, and you reach out and shove him over the baseline. Then the ref calls a foul because, you know, it's one of the most obvious fouls of all-time, and you turn around and start screaming at him, right in front of the Raptors bench, which is retarded - you pushed the guy out of bounds on purpose! Even the Raptors bench looked mortified - can you imagine having to play with this guy in practice every day? You know he's the guy who gets his shot blocked cleanly in a three-on-three game, calls a foul cuz he's embarrassed, argues about it, then storms off, ruining the game. By the way, he's 5'9", 160 pounds - and last year he tried to fight KJ, after James wiped him out on a completely legal screen (one game after jumping completely over him and dunking!). L'il Turd...
6) I'm almost ready for the Super Bowl, I'm stoked, the lamb fajitas are looking sweet, and I got some fresh tzatziki from the corner Halal market. I'm not a football fan, really. One year I watched the Mickey Rourke classic comeback film The Wrestler on my laptop instead of the game - still not sure if the Steelers won that one or not. But, okay, okay, you want me to make a prediction? I think the Ravens will roar out on top, take a healthy lead into halftime, then run the opening kickoff of the second half back for a touchdown. I think something really weird could happen at that point - maybe the lights could go out in the stadium, or something like that, and the 49ers will storm back, and come within one play of winning the game, until Dick Bavetta no calls a pass interference in the back of the end zone on fourth down. Maybe the final score is something like 34-29? Nah, maybe the Ravens, like, take a safety right at the end to run clock, and it ends up 34-31. Just a wild guess. And by the way, even though the Ravens will win the game, I still think the 49ers are obviously the better team - #PacerLogic.
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We're off until, ugh - tomorrow. A long, dense stretch of games these next couple of weeks - everyone else in the league has played way more games than us - David Stern tried to backload it to see if he could wear us out down the stretch so we'll lose to the Knicks in the playoffs. If you need me before tomorrow, I'll be bathing in tzatziki sauce - so creamy. See you tomorrow!
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Sunday, February 3, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Pacers 102 Heat 89
6 Thoughts
1) I really don't like the Pacers. I think they lack class, from the head coach down to the dudes on the end of the bench. Coach talks; his players will talk. Coach whines; his players will whine. Coach is a poor sport; his players will act like poor sports. That's the Pacers. They try to goad you into confrontations, instead of playing ball, and they talk like they've ever won anything. Even this season, they're fifth in the East. They made shots tonight; all credit to them, they won the game, the Heat played hard, but the Pacers made too many jumpers, something they normally do not do. They played very well tonight, but it doesn't mean I have to like them, or respect them. I hate the Celtics (#Doucheball), but I respect them. Also, they won a title. Ahhh, I'm lying, I don't even hate them that much! The Celtics are kind of fun! But the Pacers are jerks. Let's do it!
2) A bad matchup tone got set for the Heat early - David West kept posting Udonis Haslem, and literally just launching into UD with the dribble, shoulder-first. No offensive fouls, the refs were letting him bash his way down the lane. But when UD would try to hold his ground and body up, instantly two fouls were called. Same thing happened to Bosh. This blog rarely really gets on the refs - it is what it is: KJ James gets no calls, and Dwyane Wade gets every call. We've acknowledged that a million times. And I'm not saying the refs were "cheating" or that they hate the Heat. That's silly. But sometimes a game gets called a certain way that gives one side or the another an edge. The three refs tonight let the Pacers be over-physical on offense. West knocks you back; Roy Hibbert knocks you back; Tyler Hansbrough knocks you back - all with the dribble, or establishing postup position. That's fine, but when the Heat tried to stand their ground, that was a foul. That's a bad matchup for the Heat - they don't have big post players who back down hard with the dribble, so they couldn't take the advantage on the other end. It made the Heat defense indecisive. They were taking blows, but couldn't deliver blows back - tough to guard that way. That's how a bad offensive team like Indiana scores 102 on 56% shooting. If this group of refs, Tom Washington, Zach Zarba, and Olandis Poole, reffed every Indiana game, they'd never lose, they'd be first in the East, not fifth. Team vs team matchups matter; but sometimes, so do refs vs teams matchups. Bad ref matchup for the Heat tonight It all comes out in the wash, it isn't going to stop you from winning a title, or anything - you have to accept that inconsistency, that is part of the league...
3) ...Except you know who did not accept that tonight? Everyone on the Heat! They lost their collective cool a bunch of times, they were super-frustrated (understandably - they weren't really allowed to compete in this game). They got four technical fouls - can't remember the last time that happened, they are actually an incredibly even-keeled bunch overall. And it was some of the most mild-mannered guy getting t'd up. Shane Battier, of all people, got into an altercation with David West and got one! David West is on the short list of dirtiest players in the league. He's over-physical to begin with - if the refs let him push, like they did tonight, he keeps pressing out to the edge of the envelope, seeing how hard he can hit you before they call a foul. He's also a guy who walks through your chest after the whistle, who gets an elbow up in your face for no reason, who knocks you down when a ref's back is turned, which is what he did to Battier - tossed him down, stood over him, then when Battier tried to get up (and was already incensed), West went high with the elbows, and Batt went at him. West is what Udonis famously called a "Studio Gangster." He acts like he want to fight, but if he really wanted to fight Shane Battier, I mean, for goodness sake, Shane Battier is standing right there - hit him. He doesn't really want to fight - just wants to act tough. You can see that the Heat players loathe him and his act. He couldn't play down here, he wouldn't fit in the locker room, I think the Heat players would be embarrassed by him. He pulled this crap for two weeks during the Heat's evisceration of them in the second round of the playoffs last year. Punks always jump up to get beat down...UD got a technical for protesting a touch foul - when you let the game get too physical, then it gets out of control and edgy, then you try to dial it back by calling every bump, players get upset - refs let it get out of control too early...Even Chris Bosh got a t, then a few minutes later he drove, Hibbert hit him in the face, there was no call, and Coach Spo sprung off the bench and got his own! I thought Spo was going to get ejected, he would have been well within his rights to do so, his team was really challenged by the whistle in this game - don't think that's happened yet, don't think he's been kicked out...Crew chief Tom Washington, he's always terrible - he consistently makes odd calls, like a kick ball call on Bosh on a play where the ball was waist-level and he flicked it out with his hand - it would have been anatomically impossible for him to kick it. The only referring bright spot was 3 seconds later when Indiana went to inbound the ball and Zach Zarba, who apparently had had enough of Washington, gave Miami the ball back for a phantom illegal screen on Indiana that he called before anyone had even moved! Haaa! Even Zach Zarba hates Tom Washington! Oh - and Olandis Poole seems super-nice, but I think he's slow. He just stands out there and watches the games and never calls anything. For a physical team like the Pacers, that's a significant advantage.
4) Okay, that's enough incoherent complaining. It's a random road loss to a mid-level team in the East (no matter how much Indiana will talk about it - they're behind New Jersey and Chicago without Derrick Rose!). You know what was great about this game? The Birdman! It started in pre-game when KJ James pointed out that the Heat have been rebounding a little better, especially now playing more big lineups "with The Bird." Haaa! But it's no joke - big dudes who can help you do not fall out of trees, or in this case, out of a tattoo parlor. But one just did - this kid is going to help them. He's only been playing competitive basketball again for about two weeks after many months off, so he's still getting his legs, but tonight he showed many of the things that a Birdman brings, and what a Birdman does (as he likes to put it). He sets big, wide, solid screens...and then rolled down the lane hard, caught passes, and dunked (4-4, 9 points). He took one pass, stepped hard to the rim, saw Tyler Hansbrough flying across to the lane to deliver one of his patented cheap shots, delivered his shoulder harder to Hansbrough than Hansbrough's foul, sent him sprawling, and finished for the 'and one!' He attacked the glass with verve - 3 boards in 12 minutes, but that doesn't include his most impressive effort - KJ got middle on a drive, shot a floater, missed it, but Anderson, who started four feet outside the lane, sprinted around Ian Mahinmi and beat him to the rim, forcing Mahinmi to grab his arm and pull him down, drawing the foul. Look, Bosh isn't going to try to get a rebound until late May. UD tries, but he's too little. Joel Anthony is too little, and can't catch the ball even if he gets there. Already Chris Anderson is their best rebounder - he's a legitimate energy big. He always was. It was unclear that he would still have his legs at 34, after almost a year off, but it appears he does. Free player - no team may get a better free player off the scrap heap this season. And Miami already won the championship last year, they don't need him to do a whole lot, just help a little, and so far, he looks very capable - good get...And finally, from the very earnest Heat beat writer Ethan J. Skolnick comes this tweet:
Emcee Chalmers: doing. it. all.
5) I don't even remember mentioning this in the blog, but a couple people recently asked: "you don't really have a Ray Allen vintage Milwaukee Bucks bobblehead, do you?" Ummm, yes?
Stud Doogie, are you with me!!!
6) Which reminds me: also got a few questions this week that boiled down to: "Who is Stud Doogie?" What? You mean everyone who reads this blog isn't intimately familiar with Brand Nubian rapper Grand Puba's solo, classic, good-time, happy-flow, mid-tempo rap album "Reel to Reel" from 1992? Wow, you people are slippp-ping. Stud Doogie - that's Puba's man, that's the posse, it basically boils down to Grand Puba, Stud Doogie and A La Mode. People, don't you know that what goes around always comes back around again? Stud Doogie, are you with me!!!
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Okay, big game Sunday in Toronto. If the Heat win, Spo is an All-Star. If the Heat lose, it could well be Mike Woodson from the Knicks. Aren't the Knicks supposed to be losing by now? Damn...Kind of have a feeling Spo doesn't want to go. For one thing, he said last week that he'd rather have the weekend off. But it's an easy game for him to coach: Kevin Garnett would be on his side! What player "plays to his identity," one of the best Spo-isms, more than Kevin Garnett?!!! #Doucheball do what #Doucheball do! You need to tell fire to be hot, or water to be wet, or David West to be a jackass? Come on, Spo - be an All-Star! Do it for Spo, boys! As for me, Super Bowl Sunday, last year it was pork butt fajitas, this year: lamb fajitas! Another notch! If you need me before then, I'll in the vintage t-shirt shop with Thor trying to find a Philly Blunt print in a large. Stud Doogie, are you with me!!!
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1) I really don't like the Pacers. I think they lack class, from the head coach down to the dudes on the end of the bench. Coach talks; his players will talk. Coach whines; his players will whine. Coach is a poor sport; his players will act like poor sports. That's the Pacers. They try to goad you into confrontations, instead of playing ball, and they talk like they've ever won anything. Even this season, they're fifth in the East. They made shots tonight; all credit to them, they won the game, the Heat played hard, but the Pacers made too many jumpers, something they normally do not do. They played very well tonight, but it doesn't mean I have to like them, or respect them. I hate the Celtics (#Doucheball), but I respect them. Also, they won a title. Ahhh, I'm lying, I don't even hate them that much! The Celtics are kind of fun! But the Pacers are jerks. Let's do it!
2) A bad matchup tone got set for the Heat early - David West kept posting Udonis Haslem, and literally just launching into UD with the dribble, shoulder-first. No offensive fouls, the refs were letting him bash his way down the lane. But when UD would try to hold his ground and body up, instantly two fouls were called. Same thing happened to Bosh. This blog rarely really gets on the refs - it is what it is: KJ James gets no calls, and Dwyane Wade gets every call. We've acknowledged that a million times. And I'm not saying the refs were "cheating" or that they hate the Heat. That's silly. But sometimes a game gets called a certain way that gives one side or the another an edge. The three refs tonight let the Pacers be over-physical on offense. West knocks you back; Roy Hibbert knocks you back; Tyler Hansbrough knocks you back - all with the dribble, or establishing postup position. That's fine, but when the Heat tried to stand their ground, that was a foul. That's a bad matchup for the Heat - they don't have big post players who back down hard with the dribble, so they couldn't take the advantage on the other end. It made the Heat defense indecisive. They were taking blows, but couldn't deliver blows back - tough to guard that way. That's how a bad offensive team like Indiana scores 102 on 56% shooting. If this group of refs, Tom Washington, Zach Zarba, and Olandis Poole, reffed every Indiana game, they'd never lose, they'd be first in the East, not fifth. Team vs team matchups matter; but sometimes, so do refs vs teams matchups. Bad ref matchup for the Heat tonight It all comes out in the wash, it isn't going to stop you from winning a title, or anything - you have to accept that inconsistency, that is part of the league...
3) ...Except you know who did not accept that tonight? Everyone on the Heat! They lost their collective cool a bunch of times, they were super-frustrated (understandably - they weren't really allowed to compete in this game). They got four technical fouls - can't remember the last time that happened, they are actually an incredibly even-keeled bunch overall. And it was some of the most mild-mannered guy getting t'd up. Shane Battier, of all people, got into an altercation with David West and got one! David West is on the short list of dirtiest players in the league. He's over-physical to begin with - if the refs let him push, like they did tonight, he keeps pressing out to the edge of the envelope, seeing how hard he can hit you before they call a foul. He's also a guy who walks through your chest after the whistle, who gets an elbow up in your face for no reason, who knocks you down when a ref's back is turned, which is what he did to Battier - tossed him down, stood over him, then when Battier tried to get up (and was already incensed), West went high with the elbows, and Batt went at him. West is what Udonis famously called a "Studio Gangster." He acts like he want to fight, but if he really wanted to fight Shane Battier, I mean, for goodness sake, Shane Battier is standing right there - hit him. He doesn't really want to fight - just wants to act tough. You can see that the Heat players loathe him and his act. He couldn't play down here, he wouldn't fit in the locker room, I think the Heat players would be embarrassed by him. He pulled this crap for two weeks during the Heat's evisceration of them in the second round of the playoffs last year. Punks always jump up to get beat down...UD got a technical for protesting a touch foul - when you let the game get too physical, then it gets out of control and edgy, then you try to dial it back by calling every bump, players get upset - refs let it get out of control too early...Even Chris Bosh got a t, then a few minutes later he drove, Hibbert hit him in the face, there was no call, and Coach Spo sprung off the bench and got his own! I thought Spo was going to get ejected, he would have been well within his rights to do so, his team was really challenged by the whistle in this game - don't think that's happened yet, don't think he's been kicked out...Crew chief Tom Washington, he's always terrible - he consistently makes odd calls, like a kick ball call on Bosh on a play where the ball was waist-level and he flicked it out with his hand - it would have been anatomically impossible for him to kick it. The only referring bright spot was 3 seconds later when Indiana went to inbound the ball and Zach Zarba, who apparently had had enough of Washington, gave Miami the ball back for a phantom illegal screen on Indiana that he called before anyone had even moved! Haaa! Even Zach Zarba hates Tom Washington! Oh - and Olandis Poole seems super-nice, but I think he's slow. He just stands out there and watches the games and never calls anything. For a physical team like the Pacers, that's a significant advantage.
4) Okay, that's enough incoherent complaining. It's a random road loss to a mid-level team in the East (no matter how much Indiana will talk about it - they're behind New Jersey and Chicago without Derrick Rose!). You know what was great about this game? The Birdman! It started in pre-game when KJ James pointed out that the Heat have been rebounding a little better, especially now playing more big lineups "with The Bird." Haaa! But it's no joke - big dudes who can help you do not fall out of trees, or in this case, out of a tattoo parlor. But one just did - this kid is going to help them. He's only been playing competitive basketball again for about two weeks after many months off, so he's still getting his legs, but tonight he showed many of the things that a Birdman brings, and what a Birdman does (as he likes to put it). He sets big, wide, solid screens...and then rolled down the lane hard, caught passes, and dunked (4-4, 9 points). He took one pass, stepped hard to the rim, saw Tyler Hansbrough flying across to the lane to deliver one of his patented cheap shots, delivered his shoulder harder to Hansbrough than Hansbrough's foul, sent him sprawling, and finished for the 'and one!' He attacked the glass with verve - 3 boards in 12 minutes, but that doesn't include his most impressive effort - KJ got middle on a drive, shot a floater, missed it, but Anderson, who started four feet outside the lane, sprinted around Ian Mahinmi and beat him to the rim, forcing Mahinmi to grab his arm and pull him down, drawing the foul. Look, Bosh isn't going to try to get a rebound until late May. UD tries, but he's too little. Joel Anthony is too little, and can't catch the ball even if he gets there. Already Chris Anderson is their best rebounder - he's a legitimate energy big. He always was. It was unclear that he would still have his legs at 34, after almost a year off, but it appears he does. Free player - no team may get a better free player off the scrap heap this season. And Miami already won the championship last year, they don't need him to do a whole lot, just help a little, and so far, he looks very capable - good get...And finally, from the very earnest Heat beat writer Ethan J. Skolnick comes this tweet:
| (@EthanJSkolnick) | |
|
Mario Chalmers, for what it's worth, has already perfected the "cawing!" sound whenever Andersen comes in the locker room
| |
Emcee Chalmers: doing. it. all.
5) I don't even remember mentioning this in the blog, but a couple people recently asked: "you don't really have a Ray Allen vintage Milwaukee Bucks bobblehead, do you?" Ummm, yes?
Stud Doogie, are you with me!!!
6) Which reminds me: also got a few questions this week that boiled down to: "Who is Stud Doogie?" What? You mean everyone who reads this blog isn't intimately familiar with Brand Nubian rapper Grand Puba's solo, classic, good-time, happy-flow, mid-tempo rap album "Reel to Reel" from 1992? Wow, you people are slippp-ping. Stud Doogie - that's Puba's man, that's the posse, it basically boils down to Grand Puba, Stud Doogie and A La Mode. People, don't you know that what goes around always comes back around again? Stud Doogie, are you with me!!!
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Okay, big game Sunday in Toronto. If the Heat win, Spo is an All-Star. If the Heat lose, it could well be Mike Woodson from the Knicks. Aren't the Knicks supposed to be losing by now? Damn...Kind of have a feeling Spo doesn't want to go. For one thing, he said last week that he'd rather have the weekend off. But it's an easy game for him to coach: Kevin Garnett would be on his side! What player "plays to his identity," one of the best Spo-isms, more than Kevin Garnett?!!! #Doucheball do what #Doucheball do! You need to tell fire to be hot, or water to be wet, or David West to be a jackass? Come on, Spo - be an All-Star! Do it for Spo, boys! As for me, Super Bowl Sunday, last year it was pork butt fajitas, this year: lamb fajitas! Another notch! If you need me before then, I'll in the vintage t-shirt shop with Thor trying to find a Philly Blunt print in a large. Stud Doogie, are you with me!!!
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Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Heat 105 Nets 85
6 Thoughts
1) Well, the Nets have moved out of New Jersey, and KJ James pointed out that it was his first time ever being in Brooklyn. That puts him one step ahead of me - I don't even know where Brooklyn is, even though I grew up in Connecticut. I know it is part of New York, but not Manhattan. By the way, I'm not smart - don't go by me...As for the game, it seemed a lot like most Heat-Nets games in New Jersey. A lot of cheers during Dwyane Wade's introduction, "MVP" chants for KJ James, and a medium-intensity game that was close for a while before the Heat kind of blew it open early in the second half. The only complaint came from Dwyane Wade: "I wish our locker room was a little bigger." Life's so tough on the road in the NBA! We go hard, Brooklyn, same as it ever was! Stud Doogie, are you with me! Let it fly!!!
2) Before the game, Nets journeyman forward Reggie Evans, who is a little crazy, took a few shots at KJ James, claiming, amongst other things, that "he's no different than Andray Blatche or Joe Johnson." Black? KJ had it mostly in cruise control tonight, but controlled the game pretty effectively from the perimeter - no need to get his hands too dirty in this one. Only had to play 34 minutes, and had 24 points, 9 rebounds, and 7 assists. No one's quite sure what Reggie Evans was trying to say about KJ, exactly, but ESPN Heat beat writer Tom Haberstroh quickly looked up the numbers. You know how many times Joe Johnson has had at least 24, 9, and 7 in 877 career games? Once. One time. He's done it! Reggie Evans was right - KJ James and Joe Johnson are the same!!!
3) The Nets are a big, physical team - if they can slow the game down and pound the ball inside to their big center Brook Lopez, they can hang with anyone. Lopez had 21 points and 7 rebounds; a bloody chin; and some kind-of-gross back-neck hair. It's cool to grow the afro out, but have someone touch up the back of the neck for you, Big Fella. But put the Nets bigs and wings out into space, and they have trouble - they aren't a particularly athletic team. In the third quarter, Miami got up into the Nets defensively a bit, turned them over some, and got easy runouts during a 15-0 run, and then spent the rest of the half picking them apart on pick-and-rolls. Even Udonis Haslem got a dunk or two in the halfcourt! So let's review the qualities of the toughest three opponents on this road trip: Brooklyn can score, but they can't really stop you from scoring. Indiana can stop you from scoring, but they can't really score themselves. And, Boston? #Doucheball. Any questions? The end.
4) Play of the game: three way tie!!! One, in the first quarter, Chris "Birdman" Anderson stole the ball from Deron Williams at the top of the key, wildly careened downcourt dribbling the ball, kind of half-Euro-stepped Williams, who pretty much just wanted to get out of the way, and finished while getting fouled! And 1! "That seemed like a really bad idea when he started it," I pointed out, but M.Minutos admonished me: "C'mon, that's the Birdman doing the things that a Birdman does, and what a Birdman brings!" True...Two, in the third quarter, as the Heat were turning the game into a laugher, Mario "Emcee" Chalmers (11 points on 5-7, 4 assists, 3 steals, and somehow zero turnovers), drove the lane and took a bump while shooting a floater, which knocked him to the court. All three Nets in the area stopped playing because they assumed a foul was going to be called, but no one blew the whistle and the ball bounced off the front iron, right back to Emcee, who caught it while sitting on his booty in the middle of the lane. Even better, he suddenly reached back and threw a low, skidding bounce pass to Dwyane Wade, who got one-on-one with Lopez, and made an easy, short jumper over him. Frankly, it was better than 90 percent of the passes Chalmers throws while standing up. "It really seemed like he could see the good passing angles from down there," M.Minutos raved...Finally, in garbage time, which was the entire fourth quarter, Nets backup rookie Mirza Teletovic (I have no idea if I spelled that right - you get the idea, he's not from here) got an offensive rebound at the rim and tried to drop it back through (he's pretty tall, a good 6'8" or so). "Nyet so fast!" thundered Shane Battier, who went straight up and blocked the shot right back in Teletovic's face! That's pretty much the first time Battioke has done that in his career - sometimes he'll get a sneaky tip-block from behind, or a crafty strip-block, but as far as taking away a hoop right at the rim? Never! Except that 40 seconds later, the exact same thing happened between the exact same two guys, and this time Battioke blocked it so hard that he put Teletovic on his back! Get that Euro-mess out of here! Don't hurt 'em, Battioke!
5) So, sometimes we'll be watching a game and there will be a pugnaciously scrappy little opponent driving the Heat crazy. That loss to Dallas in the 2011 Finals still hurts - damn you, JJ Juan Barea (Hubeism)!!! And either myself, or M.Minutos - usually M.Minutos, to be frank - will just go, "little turd." It sounds meaner than it is, it's kind of descriptive, and kind of a term of endearment, not a real-life, qualitative assessment of the guy's real-life turdiness, or lack thereof. I mean, we all know the kind of guy we are talking about here - this just puts a name on it. M.Minutos made a chart to help us all out:
Three thoughts on this relative to tonight's game: seems unnecessary to put former Nets coach Avery Johnson on the list - he's no longer affiliated with the league in any way since the Nets' players kind of layed it down and got him whacked earlier in the year. Also, Deron Williams seems too physically big to be on the list. He's a power guard who plays at a slower overall pace. Also, in fairness, if Norris Cole were not on the Heat, he would certainly be on this list - he's not overtly combative, personality-wise, but he does love to foul and plays irrationally hard. But, he is on the Heat, so he can't be on this list - I'm sure he's on the "A Raptor's Life" blog's list of annoying little guys.
6) I'm in love with the Snake Lady - BFD, what do you care? I met her at the South Florida Fair last week. Just because she has the head of a woman, and the body of a snake, doesn't mean I don't care about her deeply. I'm head-over-vertebrae in love with her! You ever kissed a woman with a forked tongue? Mmmm-hmmm: Stud Doogie are you with me! Wiggles, I hate it when you leave, but I love to watch you slither away! I know it can never work out, though. For one, the fair leaves Palm Beach County next week to go to Slidell, Lousiana. Also, I'm married. My wife is super-cool, but she's not so cool that she's okay with me having a crush on the Snake Lady. A mermaid, maybe, but getting reptilian with the Snake Lady? No way. We'll always have our serpentine love, girl...
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Okay, we play Indiana Friday. Thank God the Nets were in between Boston and Indiana, the Nets are pretty benign - Boston-Indiana back-to-back would be jackass overload. If you need me before Friday, I'll be at the Palm Beach Zoo in the Rept--ummm, never mind. See you Friday, when we'll preview Superbowl Lamb Fajitas!
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1) Well, the Nets have moved out of New Jersey, and KJ James pointed out that it was his first time ever being in Brooklyn. That puts him one step ahead of me - I don't even know where Brooklyn is, even though I grew up in Connecticut. I know it is part of New York, but not Manhattan. By the way, I'm not smart - don't go by me...As for the game, it seemed a lot like most Heat-Nets games in New Jersey. A lot of cheers during Dwyane Wade's introduction, "MVP" chants for KJ James, and a medium-intensity game that was close for a while before the Heat kind of blew it open early in the second half. The only complaint came from Dwyane Wade: "I wish our locker room was a little bigger." Life's so tough on the road in the NBA! We go hard, Brooklyn, same as it ever was! Stud Doogie, are you with me! Let it fly!!!
2) Before the game, Nets journeyman forward Reggie Evans, who is a little crazy, took a few shots at KJ James, claiming, amongst other things, that "he's no different than Andray Blatche or Joe Johnson." Black? KJ had it mostly in cruise control tonight, but controlled the game pretty effectively from the perimeter - no need to get his hands too dirty in this one. Only had to play 34 minutes, and had 24 points, 9 rebounds, and 7 assists. No one's quite sure what Reggie Evans was trying to say about KJ, exactly, but ESPN Heat beat writer Tom Haberstroh quickly looked up the numbers. You know how many times Joe Johnson has had at least 24, 9, and 7 in 877 career games? Once. One time. He's done it! Reggie Evans was right - KJ James and Joe Johnson are the same!!!
3) The Nets are a big, physical team - if they can slow the game down and pound the ball inside to their big center Brook Lopez, they can hang with anyone. Lopez had 21 points and 7 rebounds; a bloody chin; and some kind-of-gross back-neck hair. It's cool to grow the afro out, but have someone touch up the back of the neck for you, Big Fella. But put the Nets bigs and wings out into space, and they have trouble - they aren't a particularly athletic team. In the third quarter, Miami got up into the Nets defensively a bit, turned them over some, and got easy runouts during a 15-0 run, and then spent the rest of the half picking them apart on pick-and-rolls. Even Udonis Haslem got a dunk or two in the halfcourt! So let's review the qualities of the toughest three opponents on this road trip: Brooklyn can score, but they can't really stop you from scoring. Indiana can stop you from scoring, but they can't really score themselves. And, Boston? #Doucheball. Any questions? The end.
4) Play of the game: three way tie!!! One, in the first quarter, Chris "Birdman" Anderson stole the ball from Deron Williams at the top of the key, wildly careened downcourt dribbling the ball, kind of half-Euro-stepped Williams, who pretty much just wanted to get out of the way, and finished while getting fouled! And 1! "That seemed like a really bad idea when he started it," I pointed out, but M.Minutos admonished me: "C'mon, that's the Birdman doing the things that a Birdman does, and what a Birdman brings!" True...Two, in the third quarter, as the Heat were turning the game into a laugher, Mario "Emcee" Chalmers (11 points on 5-7, 4 assists, 3 steals, and somehow zero turnovers), drove the lane and took a bump while shooting a floater, which knocked him to the court. All three Nets in the area stopped playing because they assumed a foul was going to be called, but no one blew the whistle and the ball bounced off the front iron, right back to Emcee, who caught it while sitting on his booty in the middle of the lane. Even better, he suddenly reached back and threw a low, skidding bounce pass to Dwyane Wade, who got one-on-one with Lopez, and made an easy, short jumper over him. Frankly, it was better than 90 percent of the passes Chalmers throws while standing up. "It really seemed like he could see the good passing angles from down there," M.Minutos raved...Finally, in garbage time, which was the entire fourth quarter, Nets backup rookie Mirza Teletovic (I have no idea if I spelled that right - you get the idea, he's not from here) got an offensive rebound at the rim and tried to drop it back through (he's pretty tall, a good 6'8" or so). "Nyet so fast!" thundered Shane Battier, who went straight up and blocked the shot right back in Teletovic's face! That's pretty much the first time Battioke has done that in his career - sometimes he'll get a sneaky tip-block from behind, or a crafty strip-block, but as far as taking away a hoop right at the rim? Never! Except that 40 seconds later, the exact same thing happened between the exact same two guys, and this time Battioke blocked it so hard that he put Teletovic on his back! Get that Euro-mess out of here! Don't hurt 'em, Battioke!
5) So, sometimes we'll be watching a game and there will be a pugnaciously scrappy little opponent driving the Heat crazy. That loss to Dallas in the 2011 Finals still hurts - damn you, JJ Juan Barea (Hubeism)!!! And either myself, or M.Minutos - usually M.Minutos, to be frank - will just go, "little turd." It sounds meaner than it is, it's kind of descriptive, and kind of a term of endearment, not a real-life, qualitative assessment of the guy's real-life turdiness, or lack thereof. I mean, we all know the kind of guy we are talking about here - this just puts a name on it. M.Minutos made a chart to help us all out:
Three thoughts on this relative to tonight's game: seems unnecessary to put former Nets coach Avery Johnson on the list - he's no longer affiliated with the league in any way since the Nets' players kind of layed it down and got him whacked earlier in the year. Also, Deron Williams seems too physically big to be on the list. He's a power guard who plays at a slower overall pace. Also, in fairness, if Norris Cole were not on the Heat, he would certainly be on this list - he's not overtly combative, personality-wise, but he does love to foul and plays irrationally hard. But, he is on the Heat, so he can't be on this list - I'm sure he's on the "A Raptor's Life" blog's list of annoying little guys.
6) I'm in love with the Snake Lady - BFD, what do you care? I met her at the South Florida Fair last week. Just because she has the head of a woman, and the body of a snake, doesn't mean I don't care about her deeply. I'm head-over-vertebrae in love with her! You ever kissed a woman with a forked tongue? Mmmm-hmmm: Stud Doogie are you with me! Wiggles, I hate it when you leave, but I love to watch you slither away! I know it can never work out, though. For one, the fair leaves Palm Beach County next week to go to Slidell, Lousiana. Also, I'm married. My wife is super-cool, but she's not so cool that she's okay with me having a crush on the Snake Lady. A mermaid, maybe, but getting reptilian with the Snake Lady? No way. We'll always have our serpentine love, girl...
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Okay, we play Indiana Friday. Thank God the Nets were in between Boston and Indiana, the Nets are pretty benign - Boston-Indiana back-to-back would be jackass overload. If you need me before Friday, I'll be at the Palm Beach Zoo in the Rept--ummm, never mind. See you Friday, when we'll preview Superbowl Lamb Fajitas!
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Sunday, January 27, 2013
Celtics 100 Heat 98 2ot
6 Thoughts
1) A bit of a crazy day - it's 75% out and sunny, and everyone in Miami's day got wasted by a 4 hour long, meaningless double-overtime loss to a team that treated the game like their Superbowl. And, as it turned out, it was their Superbowl - by the time the playoffs roll around, #Doucheball may be forever gone (but not forgotten). As Heat radio host Jonathan Zaslow tweeted after the game: "Gutsy win for Boston. They can look back and feel good about that one when they’re on the clock in the lottery." Let's explain, and let's go. Stud Doogie, are you with me!!!
2) Okay, so right before the game it turned out that Rajon Rondo had to leave warmups and go to the hospital for an MRI on his knee which he injured in Boston's last game against Atlanta, I assume while he was kicking someone. In the first half rumors swirled that he had a torn ACL and his season was over - ABC broadcaster Mike Tirico kept talking about how difficult the waiting was for the Celtics players. He means they were hoping he was hurt, right? On the one hand, without Rondo they probably can still make the playoffs in the East (anyone can make the playoffs in the East), but it is hard to see them having any impact whatsoever. On the other hand, I don't think anyone on the Celtics is going to complain about getting to spend a few months away from Rajon Rondo. The kid's an absolute social deviant, and even though he's Boston's best player, they try to trade him every year, and I am certain that every player on the Celtics absolutely despises being teammates with him...Still, in my mind, they were the most likely team to give Miami a tough 7 game series, as well as the team I most want to send home for the summer (as we have the past two seasons, I might point out). That's probably over, so it's kind of disappointing. It's hard to see Boston not breaking this group up at the trading deadline - if you can get rebuilding assets for Pierce and Garnett, don't you have to trade them? Those guys could help any playoff team...Ahhh, #Doucheball...It's not even totally gone yet, and already I miss it...But you know what? Hello, New York Knicks - step up to the plate: you just became Public Enemy #1!
3) As for the game, Boston was in full-on Superbowl Sunday mode, and Miami was in its normal road game gear: shoot jumpers for three and a half quarters, and try to steal it at the end. The triples didn't go in - only 5-23 (1 by KJ James at the end of regulation to send it to overtime) - and even though Ray Allen scored 21 points in his return to Boston, he was only 2-8 from deep. One of those days. Dwyane played poorly, ending a long stretch of fabulous games, and KJ seemed half-interested most of the day. Still, like we always point out, a bad day for him is a career day for most players: 34 points, 16 rebounds, 7 assists. This is going to be a tough week: today it was Boston treating this like their biggest game of the season, and Miami will get the same thing on Wednesday in Brooklyn, and the same thing again on Friday in Indiana. Ughh - season's sooo long! Can we just start the playoffs now?
4) Mario Chalmers' Twitter Corner: "Honey, we could give him your first name as a middle name, if you want." "Yeahhh - you know what would be better? Take out the 'L," and put in an apostrophe."
@mchalmers15
1) A bit of a crazy day - it's 75% out and sunny, and everyone in Miami's day got wasted by a 4 hour long, meaningless double-overtime loss to a team that treated the game like their Superbowl. And, as it turned out, it was their Superbowl - by the time the playoffs roll around, #Doucheball may be forever gone (but not forgotten). As Heat radio host Jonathan Zaslow tweeted after the game: "Gutsy win for Boston. They can look back and feel good about that one when they’re on the clock in the lottery." Let's explain, and let's go. Stud Doogie, are you with me!!!
2) Okay, so right before the game it turned out that Rajon Rondo had to leave warmups and go to the hospital for an MRI on his knee which he injured in Boston's last game against Atlanta, I assume while he was kicking someone. In the first half rumors swirled that he had a torn ACL and his season was over - ABC broadcaster Mike Tirico kept talking about how difficult the waiting was for the Celtics players. He means they were hoping he was hurt, right? On the one hand, without Rondo they probably can still make the playoffs in the East (anyone can make the playoffs in the East), but it is hard to see them having any impact whatsoever. On the other hand, I don't think anyone on the Celtics is going to complain about getting to spend a few months away from Rajon Rondo. The kid's an absolute social deviant, and even though he's Boston's best player, they try to trade him every year, and I am certain that every player on the Celtics absolutely despises being teammates with him...Still, in my mind, they were the most likely team to give Miami a tough 7 game series, as well as the team I most want to send home for the summer (as we have the past two seasons, I might point out). That's probably over, so it's kind of disappointing. It's hard to see Boston not breaking this group up at the trading deadline - if you can get rebuilding assets for Pierce and Garnett, don't you have to trade them? Those guys could help any playoff team...Ahhh, #Doucheball...It's not even totally gone yet, and already I miss it...But you know what? Hello, New York Knicks - step up to the plate: you just became Public Enemy #1!
3) As for the game, Boston was in full-on Superbowl Sunday mode, and Miami was in its normal road game gear: shoot jumpers for three and a half quarters, and try to steal it at the end. The triples didn't go in - only 5-23 (1 by KJ James at the end of regulation to send it to overtime) - and even though Ray Allen scored 21 points in his return to Boston, he was only 2-8 from deep. One of those days. Dwyane played poorly, ending a long stretch of fabulous games, and KJ seemed half-interested most of the day. Still, like we always point out, a bad day for him is a career day for most players: 34 points, 16 rebounds, 7 assists. This is going to be a tough week: today it was Boston treating this like their biggest game of the season, and Miami will get the same thing on Wednesday in Brooklyn, and the same thing again on Friday in Indiana. Ughh - season's sooo long! Can we just start the playoffs now?
4) Mario Chalmers' Twitter Corner: "Honey, we could give him your first name as a middle name, if you want." "Yeahhh - you know what would be better? Take out the 'L," and put in an apostrophe."
@mchalmers15
5 years ago on this day a star was born. Wanna wish my son Zachiah A'Mario very special happy 5th birthday. I love u Z man. Enjoy ur day
As always: doin' it all.
5) This is an actual excerpt from an actual column by actual ESPN basketball writer Marc Stein. Look - he's done this for a long time, but he is basically a lowest-common denominator guy. He's the kind of writer who can judge a player's "will to win" by the relative amount, or lack thereof, of "fire in his eyes." You know the type. Just because he's been doing it for a long time doesn't mean he's good at it; there's this one cashier at the Publix I go to who has been nasty to every person who has ever checked out in her line for the past 15 years - she stinks at her job, too. Still, even for Marc Stein, this is incredibly dumb:
I gotta challenge my old friend Ric Bucher on his Twitter suggestion earlier this week that LeBron James has to have the lead on Kevin Durant in the MVP race at the season's midpoint because LeBron's D is so much better. Buch is certainly entitled to cast his vote any way he wants, like the other 125-ish folks who are handed ballots at season's end, but here's my counter: If that's standard, LeBron might as well be named MVP before the season starts, because he's going to be the best two-way player in the league for years to come.
Haaaa!!!! So, let me get this straight: it's dumb to vote for KJ James for MVP because he's always the best player? Haaaa!!!! Ohhhhhhh! I get it now - I thought we were supposed to vote for the best player for MVP! My bad! By Marc Stein's standard, though, why would you vote for Kevin Durant? Isn't he also too good? Those gleeful "MVP" chants in The Trip every time Joel Anthony steps up to the line for free throws are starting to make a lot more sense! Goodness gracious - it's one thing to be mediocre at your job, Marc Stein, but could you at least try to be mediocre at your job without making America dumber? We are already dumb enough!
6) For the record, here's what I ate on my annual trip to the South Florida Fair last week: a giant gyro; fried jalapenos and pickles; fried Reese's Peanut Butter Cups; vanilla ice cream (just a little bit); a big mug of sweet tea; and a giant piece of chocolate-covered cheesecake. Stud Doogie, are you with me!!!
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Okay, time to get outside, see some sunshine! Next game is Wednesday against Brooklyn. If you need me before then, I'll be fasting. Eat a nutritious dinner, people. There's five food groups, you know, five food groups!
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Okay, time to get outside, see some sunshine! Next game is Wednesday against Brooklyn. If you need me before then, I'll be fasting. Eat a nutritious dinner, people. There's five food groups, you know, five food groups!
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Friday, January 25, 2013
Heat 110 Pistons 88
6 Thoughts
1) Layup City! Let it Fly!
2) Dwyane Wade: he's scoring over 20 points per game, he's shooting over 51% from the floor, and lately whatever bounce he's lost off his ups, he's made up for with savvy movement both on and off the ball. He took the Pistons apart tonight, 29 points on 12-20 from the floor, 7 assists, 5 boards, 3 steals, and a block. There aren't many games KJ James plays in when he isn't the best player on the floor, but tonight he was a role player - DWade dominated this game. He blew the game open during a 26-4 second quarter run when he kept stealing the ball, motoring down court and dunking or, on the second best play of the game, went hard down the middle in transition, took off for a swooping scoop shot, only to look away left and scoop the ball up behind him to the right to an absolutely thundering James for a two-handed earthquake. "He could have dunked that ball with his chin," crowed Tony Fiorentino! "That does not seem like it would be safe," pointed out the more practical M.Minutos. Wade had 23 at half, and punctuated his second quarter performance by tomahawking Kyle Singler's runner at the buzzer off Singler's forehead! For good measure, late in the game Dwyane viciously one-hand tip-slammed a Chris Bosh miss like it was 2006! Ballgame! For one night, it was DWade's house again! Short-term rental from KJ James!
3) Play of the game: easily, during the break between the third and fourth quarters, when a slightly portly fan dressed in a banana yellow zipup threw in a half-court hook shot to win $75,000 for himself, and $75,000 for the Boys and Girls Club, courtesy of KJ James' foundation. As the man celebrated, KJ James came sprinting out to halfcourt, face all lit up with joy, and tackled the dude, then knelt over him and thumped him in the chest with glee! Seriously, KJ is such a nice dude. Maybe - maybe - KJ was this happy when they won the championship last year:
After the game, Dwyane lauded the shot - "A hook shot! We ought to bring that guy back - you never know, we might need him in a late game situation."
4) Noticed a new ref tonight: Scott Twardoski. "I've never noticed him before," theorized M.Minutos, "but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he is terrible..." In the first quarter, 'future Piston superstar' Rodney Stuckey ("the next Dwyane Wade" for soooo many years) drove left on Dwyane, tried to reach back with his right hand to flip it back to the rim, and Dwyane spiked it off his noggin. Buttt, here came Scott Twardoski running in to call a foul on Dwyane, to the surprise of everyone, including Rodney Stuckey. Stuckey then stepped up to the line and bricked both free throws - man, that must have been a really bad call! Ball don't lie, Scott Twardoski, BALL DO NOT LIE!!! Twardoski redeemed himself in the third quarter when KJ James posted up on the block, spun baseline for a turnaround, and Piston rookie Andre Drummond karate chopped him in the face, knocking him down. Twardoski, two feet away from it in perfect position, did not call a foul - that's perfect, that's exactly what he's supposed to do, that's how this league runs: it's best player never gets a call because he is too big, too strong, and too skilled, and so we are all just supposed to ignore it when he gets whacked over and over again at the rim, and just expect him to finish those plays without a foul since he is better than everybody else. Good job, Scott Twardoski, you're gonna do fine in this league, that call will grade out perfectly in the league office: "textbook." You could be the next Dick Bavetta.
5) The University of Kansas has a long tradition of basketball excellence and from time-to-time a Kansas player's career is so outstanding that the University retires his uniform number. Look up in the rafters at Phog Allen Fieldhouse, or whatever their arena is called, and you will see hanging the jersey of all-time basketball great Wilt Chamberlain. Wilt defines dominance - he changed basketball forever, he combined overwhelming size with incredible athleticism, and every great big that came after him - Kareem, Shaq, Tim Duncan, Dwight Howard - all owe him a debt of gratitude. Look next to Wilt's jersey and you will see Paul Pierce's number hanging up there. His late-career association with #Doucheball notwithstanding, he played basketball the right way, combining all-around excellence on the offensive end with a commitment to defense and teamwork that not every player as talented as he exhibits. On February 16th, during the All-Star break, another great will join them: ALMARIO VERNARD CHALMERS!!! His #15 is going up next to Wilt and Pierce's numbers, and with good reason - the retired guys' offense was going wayyy too smoothly, they didn't have anyone to come down on the break and throw an alley-oop pass eleven feet over Pierce's head, and get a wing screen from Wilt, dribble down the baseline like he's walking a tightrope, and then fall down out of bounds with the ball! Or, to hit huge money triples when they play the Retired Legends of the OKC Thunder up in Heaven! Or, to singlehandedly keep John Calipari (Satan) and Derrick Rose (who's worse than Satan?) from winning a national championship! This whole event is so typical of Emcee Chalmers: just when you think he's done it all, he does more! Enjoy the weekend and the ceremony, Emcee Chalmers, congratulations! And try not to injure anybody when you're raising that giant uniform up to the ceiling!
6) Yo, have we posted this before? This is a band from Cincinnati named Wussy. They are ill, which is unusual, nothing good everrr comes from Cincinnati, right? Psych: Heat television host extraordinaire Jason Jackson is from Cincinnati, so you know that town is mad talented! You know else is from Cincinnati? Steven Spielberg, only the greatest filmmaker of our time (in his mind). You who else? Sarah Jessica Parker and George Clooney! You know who else? Nipsy Russell! Yeah, Nipsy Russell - kids, ask your parents (or Jax) if you don't know who that is! Anyways, I saw this band open for Afghan Whigs a couple of months ago, I may already have posted one of their songs, I can't remember. Who cares - so good! I wanted to post like a video or a live performance, but this band is so small that they don't have real videos, and all the live performances are, like, half-recorded by a drunk dude with his phone while balancing it on his beer. So here is the studio version of one of the illest break-up songs ever. Jax: how could you call me up and kill me with the voice that used to thrill me on the fucking telephone? No, seriously, Jax: how could you?
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Sunday, it starts: Sunday afternoon games for the one team in the league that has perfect weather throughout the entire season. Would it kill the league office to have Toronto play Milwaukee on Sunday afternoon? No? It wouldn't kill the league office? Oh - just the fans across the country who had to watch it on tv? Okay, okay, we'll play. Damn. And worse: #Doucheball. If you need me before then, I'll be rubbing my Ray Allen Milwaukee Bucks bobblehead for good luck - got to break that #Doucheball spell! See you Sunday!
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1) Layup City! Let it Fly!
2) Dwyane Wade: he's scoring over 20 points per game, he's shooting over 51% from the floor, and lately whatever bounce he's lost off his ups, he's made up for with savvy movement both on and off the ball. He took the Pistons apart tonight, 29 points on 12-20 from the floor, 7 assists, 5 boards, 3 steals, and a block. There aren't many games KJ James plays in when he isn't the best player on the floor, but tonight he was a role player - DWade dominated this game. He blew the game open during a 26-4 second quarter run when he kept stealing the ball, motoring down court and dunking or, on the second best play of the game, went hard down the middle in transition, took off for a swooping scoop shot, only to look away left and scoop the ball up behind him to the right to an absolutely thundering James for a two-handed earthquake. "He could have dunked that ball with his chin," crowed Tony Fiorentino! "That does not seem like it would be safe," pointed out the more practical M.Minutos. Wade had 23 at half, and punctuated his second quarter performance by tomahawking Kyle Singler's runner at the buzzer off Singler's forehead! For good measure, late in the game Dwyane viciously one-hand tip-slammed a Chris Bosh miss like it was 2006! Ballgame! For one night, it was DWade's house again! Short-term rental from KJ James!
3) Play of the game: easily, during the break between the third and fourth quarters, when a slightly portly fan dressed in a banana yellow zipup threw in a half-court hook shot to win $75,000 for himself, and $75,000 for the Boys and Girls Club, courtesy of KJ James' foundation. As the man celebrated, KJ James came sprinting out to halfcourt, face all lit up with joy, and tackled the dude, then knelt over him and thumped him in the chest with glee! Seriously, KJ is such a nice dude. Maybe - maybe - KJ was this happy when they won the championship last year:
After the game, Dwyane lauded the shot - "A hook shot! We ought to bring that guy back - you never know, we might need him in a late game situation."
4) Noticed a new ref tonight: Scott Twardoski. "I've never noticed him before," theorized M.Minutos, "but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he is terrible..." In the first quarter, 'future Piston superstar' Rodney Stuckey ("the next Dwyane Wade" for soooo many years) drove left on Dwyane, tried to reach back with his right hand to flip it back to the rim, and Dwyane spiked it off his noggin. Buttt, here came Scott Twardoski running in to call a foul on Dwyane, to the surprise of everyone, including Rodney Stuckey. Stuckey then stepped up to the line and bricked both free throws - man, that must have been a really bad call! Ball don't lie, Scott Twardoski, BALL DO NOT LIE!!! Twardoski redeemed himself in the third quarter when KJ James posted up on the block, spun baseline for a turnaround, and Piston rookie Andre Drummond karate chopped him in the face, knocking him down. Twardoski, two feet away from it in perfect position, did not call a foul - that's perfect, that's exactly what he's supposed to do, that's how this league runs: it's best player never gets a call because he is too big, too strong, and too skilled, and so we are all just supposed to ignore it when he gets whacked over and over again at the rim, and just expect him to finish those plays without a foul since he is better than everybody else. Good job, Scott Twardoski, you're gonna do fine in this league, that call will grade out perfectly in the league office: "textbook." You could be the next Dick Bavetta.
5) The University of Kansas has a long tradition of basketball excellence and from time-to-time a Kansas player's career is so outstanding that the University retires his uniform number. Look up in the rafters at Phog Allen Fieldhouse, or whatever their arena is called, and you will see hanging the jersey of all-time basketball great Wilt Chamberlain. Wilt defines dominance - he changed basketball forever, he combined overwhelming size with incredible athleticism, and every great big that came after him - Kareem, Shaq, Tim Duncan, Dwight Howard - all owe him a debt of gratitude. Look next to Wilt's jersey and you will see Paul Pierce's number hanging up there. His late-career association with #Doucheball notwithstanding, he played basketball the right way, combining all-around excellence on the offensive end with a commitment to defense and teamwork that not every player as talented as he exhibits. On February 16th, during the All-Star break, another great will join them: ALMARIO VERNARD CHALMERS!!! His #15 is going up next to Wilt and Pierce's numbers, and with good reason - the retired guys' offense was going wayyy too smoothly, they didn't have anyone to come down on the break and throw an alley-oop pass eleven feet over Pierce's head, and get a wing screen from Wilt, dribble down the baseline like he's walking a tightrope, and then fall down out of bounds with the ball! Or, to hit huge money triples when they play the Retired Legends of the OKC Thunder up in Heaven! Or, to singlehandedly keep John Calipari (Satan) and Derrick Rose (who's worse than Satan?) from winning a national championship! This whole event is so typical of Emcee Chalmers: just when you think he's done it all, he does more! Enjoy the weekend and the ceremony, Emcee Chalmers, congratulations! And try not to injure anybody when you're raising that giant uniform up to the ceiling!
6) Yo, have we posted this before? This is a band from Cincinnati named Wussy. They are ill, which is unusual, nothing good everrr comes from Cincinnati, right? Psych: Heat television host extraordinaire Jason Jackson is from Cincinnati, so you know that town is mad talented! You know else is from Cincinnati? Steven Spielberg, only the greatest filmmaker of our time (in his mind). You who else? Sarah Jessica Parker and George Clooney! You know who else? Nipsy Russell! Yeah, Nipsy Russell - kids, ask your parents (or Jax) if you don't know who that is! Anyways, I saw this band open for Afghan Whigs a couple of months ago, I may already have posted one of their songs, I can't remember. Who cares - so good! I wanted to post like a video or a live performance, but this band is so small that they don't have real videos, and all the live performances are, like, half-recorded by a drunk dude with his phone while balancing it on his beer. So here is the studio version of one of the illest break-up songs ever. Jax: how could you call me up and kill me with the voice that used to thrill me on the fucking telephone? No, seriously, Jax: how could you?
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Sunday, it starts: Sunday afternoon games for the one team in the league that has perfect weather throughout the entire season. Would it kill the league office to have Toronto play Milwaukee on Sunday afternoon? No? It wouldn't kill the league office? Oh - just the fans across the country who had to watch it on tv? Okay, okay, we'll play. Damn. And worse: #Doucheball. If you need me before then, I'll be rubbing my Ray Allen Milwaukee Bucks bobblehead for good luck - got to break that #Doucheball spell! See you Sunday!
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Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Heat 123 Raptors 116 ot
6 Thoughts
1) I went to the University of Miami's 30 point crushing of Duke University tonight in Coral Gables - Duke Coach Mike Kryzewski is now 1-2 lifetime in games I have attended in person. If Kentucky coach John Calipari is the Devil, then Coach K is Lucifer, and- wait, what? Oh, that's the same dude? Wait - John Calipari and Mike Kryzewski are both the devil - you mean they've been the same dude all along? This is starting to make sense! Anyways, in the Heat game, Miami got just what they wanted out of a regular season game, it was a garden-variety home win. It's 1:45 am, let's let it fly super-fast, deal? Satan, damnnnn!!!
2) Toronto shot the snot out of the ball (14-31 on triples), and Miami played about 5 minutes of defense, which is about where they want it for a meaningless regular-season game. They got the requisite stop late when DeMar DeRozan picked the one guy on the Heat not to be f-ed with, Dwyane Wade, and tried to f- with him, and ended up throwing a layup pretty much over the backboard. The Heat got 14 in the 3rd quarter from Wade (35 points with 7 dimes and 5 boards overall) to erase a sluggish 15 point deficit (shaking off 5 days of inactivity), and a triple double from KJ James (31, 11, 10). And they got 2 huge triples from Ray Allen (18 points on 7-10), one halfway through overtime on simple pindown-stepback to cut a 4 point lead to 1, and one to close the game out with under a minute to go on a drive-and-kick from Wade. In the regular season, Miami is going to try to outexecute and outscore opponents. Come playoff time, they'll try to outscrap them, too, but for these next 40 or so games, this is the blueprint. Like it or not (at times it is frustrating).
3) Play of the game: definitely in the third quarter when Chris Bosh was 1-6 from the line, and Dwyane Wade wasn't much better, and the Heat were down double digits. I suddenly remembered that I am supposed to ignore Heat free throw shooters and stare at the rim, which helps the player focus in on the task at hand. Bosh instantly made four free throws in a row, Wade found KJ on an alley oop dunk, then KJ found Wade for a backdoor layup, and the Heat led by 4 after 3 quarters. You're welcome.
4) Time for The Birdman to fly! The Heat signed Chris Anderson to a 10 day contract! The lanky 6'10" rebounder and shot blocker hasn't played in the NBA for a year, was once suspended for two seasons due to illegal drug use (we're all assuming crystal meth, right?), and last spring was involved in a child pornography investigation by the Denver police. And by "involved," I don't mean he was helping to conduct the investigation. But at least he had off-season knee surgery! You know what? None of that matters - all that matters is the number of times I am going to see him on the bench, or in the game, or in pre-game warmups, or in a montage of the team walking into the arena, and I scream: "Bird-man, drive a red Range!!" You know how many times I will say that from now until The Birdman isn't on the Heat any longer? As many times as I see him on my tv doing any one of those things (or even just think about him doing one of those things) - that many times! Here's a chart made by M.Minutos to help you distinguish the real Birdman, Chris Anderson, from the rapper Birdman, who often attends Heat games and sits in the front row close to the scorer's table (and by the way, I also scream "Bird-man, drive a red Range" every time I see him):
By the way, the best thing about the chart is The Birdman's quote from after his first practice when he highlighted what he will bring to the team by saying, "the usual that a Birdman does," as if there are other shot-blocking Birdmen out there who could potentially help NBA title contenders! Like he's just one of a tribe! Bird-man, drive a red Range!!! See? Birdman didn't get in tonight - still hibernating, getting ready for his emergence from the cocoon. Not sure those analogies were right, by the way, not a big Animal Planet guy. Understand this: when The Birdman flies, you will know it, okay?
5) Recently at Dos Minutos International Headquarters, The Captain passionately made the following point: "You know how when you throw the ball into the post to a big man, it is called an 'entry' pass? Well, how come when the big man passes it back out to a shooter it is called a 'kickout?' Shouldn't it be called an 'exit pass?'" Holy crap - he's right! NBA Commissioner David Stern is retiring in the spring - do we have a replacement yet? I think I have a candidate! Oh, Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver is taking over? Okay, maybe next time for The Captain. He's right, though, and from now on in this blog, we will call that pass the "exit pass." Think about it: entry wound, exit wound, right? Which reminds me...
6) ...also a few days ago at Dos M. Int'l HQs, in a separate incident, someone said to me, "you know who you look like? A young General Stanley McChrystal." Exactly! Who's that again? I had to google him. I don't know if overall it's a compliment or not, but obviously the number one priority in my life is serving this great nation by preserving its democratic values - why do you think I write this blog?
Looking at the pictures I googled, I don't know if I look like him, as much as we share similar facial expressions in our day-to-day responsibilites.
Here's me trying to decide whether to post a video of Shane Battioke singing "Love Boat," or invade China:
And here's me wondering why O. and P.Minutos are screwing around in the bathroom instead of getting their teeth brushed like I asked them too, or being completely frustrated with President Obama's speech on gun control. How can he not understand that automatic assault weapons are an integral part of every American's day-to-day life?
Finally, here I am when I heard the news that the Heat signed the Birdman! Bird-man, drive a red Range!!!
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Well, the five night vacation is over. It was great, I got a lot of rest, was reintroduced to my children, and watched the Devil get blown out by the Canes. We're back on Friday for a game against the Pistons. To be honest with you, I'm not even sure that's a different team than the Raptors, they are pretty, prettyyy similiar mid-level, stinky, blue-and-red uniformed teams. If you need me before Friday, I'll be in the mess hall hazing plebes. Ten-hut!
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1) I went to the University of Miami's 30 point crushing of Duke University tonight in Coral Gables - Duke Coach Mike Kryzewski is now 1-2 lifetime in games I have attended in person. If Kentucky coach John Calipari is the Devil, then Coach K is Lucifer, and- wait, what? Oh, that's the same dude? Wait - John Calipari and Mike Kryzewski are both the devil - you mean they've been the same dude all along? This is starting to make sense! Anyways, in the Heat game, Miami got just what they wanted out of a regular season game, it was a garden-variety home win. It's 1:45 am, let's let it fly super-fast, deal? Satan, damnnnn!!!
2) Toronto shot the snot out of the ball (14-31 on triples), and Miami played about 5 minutes of defense, which is about where they want it for a meaningless regular-season game. They got the requisite stop late when DeMar DeRozan picked the one guy on the Heat not to be f-ed with, Dwyane Wade, and tried to f- with him, and ended up throwing a layup pretty much over the backboard. The Heat got 14 in the 3rd quarter from Wade (35 points with 7 dimes and 5 boards overall) to erase a sluggish 15 point deficit (shaking off 5 days of inactivity), and a triple double from KJ James (31, 11, 10). And they got 2 huge triples from Ray Allen (18 points on 7-10), one halfway through overtime on simple pindown-stepback to cut a 4 point lead to 1, and one to close the game out with under a minute to go on a drive-and-kick from Wade. In the regular season, Miami is going to try to outexecute and outscore opponents. Come playoff time, they'll try to outscrap them, too, but for these next 40 or so games, this is the blueprint. Like it or not (at times it is frustrating).
3) Play of the game: definitely in the third quarter when Chris Bosh was 1-6 from the line, and Dwyane Wade wasn't much better, and the Heat were down double digits. I suddenly remembered that I am supposed to ignore Heat free throw shooters and stare at the rim, which helps the player focus in on the task at hand. Bosh instantly made four free throws in a row, Wade found KJ on an alley oop dunk, then KJ found Wade for a backdoor layup, and the Heat led by 4 after 3 quarters. You're welcome.
4) Time for The Birdman to fly! The Heat signed Chris Anderson to a 10 day contract! The lanky 6'10" rebounder and shot blocker hasn't played in the NBA for a year, was once suspended for two seasons due to illegal drug use (we're all assuming crystal meth, right?), and last spring was involved in a child pornography investigation by the Denver police. And by "involved," I don't mean he was helping to conduct the investigation. But at least he had off-season knee surgery! You know what? None of that matters - all that matters is the number of times I am going to see him on the bench, or in the game, or in pre-game warmups, or in a montage of the team walking into the arena, and I scream: "Bird-man, drive a red Range!!" You know how many times I will say that from now until The Birdman isn't on the Heat any longer? As many times as I see him on my tv doing any one of those things (or even just think about him doing one of those things) - that many times! Here's a chart made by M.Minutos to help you distinguish the real Birdman, Chris Anderson, from the rapper Birdman, who often attends Heat games and sits in the front row close to the scorer's table (and by the way, I also scream "Bird-man, drive a red Range" every time I see him):
5) Recently at Dos Minutos International Headquarters, The Captain passionately made the following point: "You know how when you throw the ball into the post to a big man, it is called an 'entry' pass? Well, how come when the big man passes it back out to a shooter it is called a 'kickout?' Shouldn't it be called an 'exit pass?'" Holy crap - he's right! NBA Commissioner David Stern is retiring in the spring - do we have a replacement yet? I think I have a candidate! Oh, Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver is taking over? Okay, maybe next time for The Captain. He's right, though, and from now on in this blog, we will call that pass the "exit pass." Think about it: entry wound, exit wound, right? Which reminds me...
6) ...also a few days ago at Dos M. Int'l HQs, in a separate incident, someone said to me, "you know who you look like? A young General Stanley McChrystal." Exactly! Who's that again? I had to google him. I don't know if overall it's a compliment or not, but obviously the number one priority in my life is serving this great nation by preserving its democratic values - why do you think I write this blog?
Looking at the pictures I googled, I don't know if I look like him, as much as we share similar facial expressions in our day-to-day responsibilites.
Here's me trying to decide whether to post a video of Shane Battioke singing "Love Boat," or invade China:
And here's me wondering why O. and P.Minutos are screwing around in the bathroom instead of getting their teeth brushed like I asked them too, or being completely frustrated with President Obama's speech on gun control. How can he not understand that automatic assault weapons are an integral part of every American's day-to-day life?
Finally, here I am when I heard the news that the Heat signed the Birdman! Bird-man, drive a red Range!!!
-----
Well, the five night vacation is over. It was great, I got a lot of rest, was reintroduced to my children, and watched the Devil get blown out by the Canes. We're back on Friday for a game against the Pistons. To be honest with you, I'm not even sure that's a different team than the Raptors, they are pretty, prettyyy similiar mid-level, stinky, blue-and-red uniformed teams. If you need me before Friday, I'll be in the mess hall hazing plebes. Ten-hut!
-----
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Heat 99 Lakers 90
6 Thoughts
1) Cal-i-forn-i-a? Who runs this city? Yeahhhh, Heat scuffled around for three and a half quarters without being able to make a jump shot, were even with 2:30 to go, and scored the last 9 points of the game to end the West Coast road trip 3-0 in California (3-3 overall - shhhhh)! Umm, Kobe? Hey, Kobe? Yo, Kobe? You can leave your keys on the counter on your way out - I think KJ James owns your house now! Let it fly! Or not, doesn't even matter, we don't even need shooting to win!
2) Holy KJ James - 15-16 in the paint, 17-25 overall, 39 points, one of the Heat's two (huge) triples, 7 rebounds, 8 assists, 3 steals, and a block, erased Kobe Bryant in the last 2:30 of the game, hit the dagger pullup with under a minute to go to ice it, and had one of the crazier plays of this or any season when he somehow beat Kobe Bryant to a loose ball on the floor, barrel-rolled, popped up, took a body check from Bryant (no foul, of course), pushed it up court, and found Walter Ray Allen for the Heat's first triple of the game to put them up 3 with 5 minutes to go. He did everything, he was freaking crazy - he was KJ! He got 3 late hoops from Ray, including a sweet high-arcing floater over Dwight Howard; and a good all-around game from Dwyane Wade: 27 points, solid defensive work all night, and the key defensive play of the game when he swallowed Steve Nash whole on a drive. How many times have we said it? Never test Dwyane late in a game by trying to take him to the rim, unless you really, really like the sensation of leather slapping against your forehead. But mostly, it was KJ - pounded the paint relentlessly all night. He scored on Howard, he scored on Artest, he scored on Gasol, he scored on Marky Mark sitting next to the Lakers bench - he dominated. He looked tired, he didn't really have his legs, but it was a national tv game, it was the last game of a long and grueling trip, so he sucked it up, and got it done. That man does work. Every night - respect him so hard.
3) It was a national TNT only game. In a million ways, the group on TNT tries to make America dumber about basketball. Spent the entire night preaching that Miami is too small to win a championship, which is super-odd, because they just won the last championship with the exact same team! You want to say you think they won't do it again? Okay, cool - the odds are on your side, there's 30 teams, only one will win the title. I predict it will rain some time this month. Ummm, duh? But to say it's impossible, like the TNT guys? That's just dumb. By the way, the team that is too small to win the championship, besides winning the championship last year, won the paint points against Dwight Howard tonight 68-28. So there's that. The only truly good part of a TNT broadcast is watching Charles Barkley try to troll so hard all over Miami. He had such a good thing going with Dwyane Wade when Dwyane put him in the T-Mobile commercials, then messed it up by picking the wrong horse and going hard anti-Heat the last couple of seasons. Oops - they won the title, and Dwyane and KJ openly loathe Charles - guess who isn't sitting at the cool kids table anymore? Gotta hurt being on the outside after it was so, so good on the inside, which would kind of remind me of Patrick Dempsey in "Can't Buy Me Love," if I had ever seen that ridiculous movie, which obviously I haven't since I am a mature adult - he got to experience being on the inside for a minute, only for it to hurt that much more when you get bounced back out. Awww - at least you can still hang out with Shaq - nobody likes him either, anymore. If we live long enough, we all get old and uncool (if we ever were cool, which I was not); Charles tried to outcool the younger dudes, and ended up looking like the douchey, old, bitter guy. Older dudes: step aside and let the younger dudes be cool.
4) Film review: "Stand by Bosh" - Chris Bosh, Joel Anthony, and Norris Cole discover a dead body in a little alley off of 8th St and Euclid Ave in South Beach on the way to eat at Johnny Rockets on Ocean after a home win over the Toronto Raptors. They want to report the crime to the police, but South Beach bullies Gloria Estefan and her evil husband Emilio try to frame Chris, Joel, and Norris for the crime, which is a shame because Chris, in particular, is a huge fan of the Miami Sound Machine. The guys escape unharmed when Joel obliterates Emilio with a crushing moving screen, and the film ends with Chris looking back years later on what he learned that day: always eat at the Johnny Rockets in Coconut Grove, it's much safer.
5) Listen, I love Shane Battioke as much as the next guy, and it's pretty much the only charity on earth where I feel like there is any chance whatsoever that any of the money raised gets to an actual person in need...but he's over-bad singing this on purpose, right? We get it, you're bad. But you aren't this bad:
6) Sooo many times we'd just be sitting around Dos Minutos International Headquarters and I'd say to The Captain, "Landis, man, it's all about Landis. Pound for pound, man, pound for pound." And he'd always be like, "Lance has the rings - end of story." And I'd have to shut up - there's no comeback to the "rings" argument, not really. Well, who got the juice now, boy? WHO GOT THE JUICE NOW???
-----
The long west coast trip is over and now the Heat - and more importantly, me - have 5 straight nights off! I don't even know when our next game is, or who it is against! Sometime next week. If you need me before then, I'll be trying to get my bike chain back up on the gear thing - opening at the top of cycling now, boy, and I'm just the dude to fill it! Have a great few nights off!
-----
1) Cal-i-forn-i-a? Who runs this city? Yeahhhh, Heat scuffled around for three and a half quarters without being able to make a jump shot, were even with 2:30 to go, and scored the last 9 points of the game to end the West Coast road trip 3-0 in California (3-3 overall - shhhhh)! Umm, Kobe? Hey, Kobe? Yo, Kobe? You can leave your keys on the counter on your way out - I think KJ James owns your house now! Let it fly! Or not, doesn't even matter, we don't even need shooting to win!
2) Holy KJ James - 15-16 in the paint, 17-25 overall, 39 points, one of the Heat's two (huge) triples, 7 rebounds, 8 assists, 3 steals, and a block, erased Kobe Bryant in the last 2:30 of the game, hit the dagger pullup with under a minute to go to ice it, and had one of the crazier plays of this or any season when he somehow beat Kobe Bryant to a loose ball on the floor, barrel-rolled, popped up, took a body check from Bryant (no foul, of course), pushed it up court, and found Walter Ray Allen for the Heat's first triple of the game to put them up 3 with 5 minutes to go. He did everything, he was freaking crazy - he was KJ! He got 3 late hoops from Ray, including a sweet high-arcing floater over Dwight Howard; and a good all-around game from Dwyane Wade: 27 points, solid defensive work all night, and the key defensive play of the game when he swallowed Steve Nash whole on a drive. How many times have we said it? Never test Dwyane late in a game by trying to take him to the rim, unless you really, really like the sensation of leather slapping against your forehead. But mostly, it was KJ - pounded the paint relentlessly all night. He scored on Howard, he scored on Artest, he scored on Gasol, he scored on Marky Mark sitting next to the Lakers bench - he dominated. He looked tired, he didn't really have his legs, but it was a national tv game, it was the last game of a long and grueling trip, so he sucked it up, and got it done. That man does work. Every night - respect him so hard.
3) It was a national TNT only game. In a million ways, the group on TNT tries to make America dumber about basketball. Spent the entire night preaching that Miami is too small to win a championship, which is super-odd, because they just won the last championship with the exact same team! You want to say you think they won't do it again? Okay, cool - the odds are on your side, there's 30 teams, only one will win the title. I predict it will rain some time this month. Ummm, duh? But to say it's impossible, like the TNT guys? That's just dumb. By the way, the team that is too small to win the championship, besides winning the championship last year, won the paint points against Dwight Howard tonight 68-28. So there's that. The only truly good part of a TNT broadcast is watching Charles Barkley try to troll so hard all over Miami. He had such a good thing going with Dwyane Wade when Dwyane put him in the T-Mobile commercials, then messed it up by picking the wrong horse and going hard anti-Heat the last couple of seasons. Oops - they won the title, and Dwyane and KJ openly loathe Charles - guess who isn't sitting at the cool kids table anymore? Gotta hurt being on the outside after it was so, so good on the inside, which would kind of remind me of Patrick Dempsey in "Can't Buy Me Love," if I had ever seen that ridiculous movie, which obviously I haven't since I am a mature adult - he got to experience being on the inside for a minute, only for it to hurt that much more when you get bounced back out. Awww - at least you can still hang out with Shaq - nobody likes him either, anymore. If we live long enough, we all get old and uncool (if we ever were cool, which I was not); Charles tried to outcool the younger dudes, and ended up looking like the douchey, old, bitter guy. Older dudes: step aside and let the younger dudes be cool.
4) Film review: "Stand by Bosh" - Chris Bosh, Joel Anthony, and Norris Cole discover a dead body in a little alley off of 8th St and Euclid Ave in South Beach on the way to eat at Johnny Rockets on Ocean after a home win over the Toronto Raptors. They want to report the crime to the police, but South Beach bullies Gloria Estefan and her evil husband Emilio try to frame Chris, Joel, and Norris for the crime, which is a shame because Chris, in particular, is a huge fan of the Miami Sound Machine. The guys escape unharmed when Joel obliterates Emilio with a crushing moving screen, and the film ends with Chris looking back years later on what he learned that day: always eat at the Johnny Rockets in Coconut Grove, it's much safer.
5) Listen, I love Shane Battioke as much as the next guy, and it's pretty much the only charity on earth where I feel like there is any chance whatsoever that any of the money raised gets to an actual person in need...but he's over-bad singing this on purpose, right? We get it, you're bad. But you aren't this bad:
6) Sooo many times we'd just be sitting around Dos Minutos International Headquarters and I'd say to The Captain, "Landis, man, it's all about Landis. Pound for pound, man, pound for pound." And he'd always be like, "Lance has the rings - end of story." And I'd have to shut up - there's no comeback to the "rings" argument, not really. Well, who got the juice now, boy? WHO GOT THE JUICE NOW???
-----
The long west coast trip is over and now the Heat - and more importantly, me - have 5 straight nights off! I don't even know when our next game is, or who it is against! Sometime next week. If you need me before then, I'll be trying to get my bike chain back up on the gear thing - opening at the top of cycling now, boy, and I'm just the dude to fill it! Have a great few nights off!
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