What is up? We're back. We took the summer off. A lot happened. Most people were like, "How can you not write about what happened this summer?" My usual answer: "I don't know."
But that's all over now. The events of the off-season have sunk in - we are ready to have our say. We saved up a lot of questions that we received over the summer, and we are ready to answer them now. Training camp starts in two weeks, and the season starts at the end of October. So we are going to start easing our way back with weekly posts until the games start - it takes a lot of practice to make the blog as retarded as it is, game after game. So without no further ado, let's do what we do:
"Heading in to free agency, you claimed you didn't want LeBron on the Heat - I believe the exact line was, 'He is not welcome here.' So, are you mad he is on the team now?"
Look, if you don't know about the power of the reverse-jinx, I don't know what to tell you. What do you want me to do, say how much I want LeBron on the team, thereby sealing his delivery to Chicago, or back to Cleveland? Yeah - that would have been smart. The rumor for two days before LeBron's well-received televised announcement was that Miami had him on lock - I shrugged it off, and continued to insist that was utterly impossible, and unappealing. Went to the gym the night of the announcement, and I remember running on the treadmill (super-fast, by the way), timing my run so I would be home just in time for the start of the show, and I briefly allowed myself to think: "Jesus - what if he does come here?" A while later, as soon as I heard him say the words "South Beach," I immediately tackled O. and P. Minutos on the couch, rolling around screaming, "I did it! I really did it! I reverse-jinxed him here!" And I did. Remember this as a primer for what to do the next time you really want something...
"You virtually guaranteed that for financial reasons, Dwyane Wade really didn't have the option to leave Miami over the summer. So you weren't surprised when he came back, right?"
Not at all. But what I was shocked about was that my premise was completely wrong. I thought that Dwyane spent so much money on a messy divorce, a bunch of troubled business dealings, and private planes for Gabrielle Union's visits to Miami, that he had to ensure that he got a max-length and max-dollar contract, which could only happen in Miami. And then what did he do? Convinced Bosh and LeBron to give up 15 million dollars or so each, and then gave up even more than that himself, in order to be able to get all three in Miami, re-sign his boy Udonis Haslem, and LeBron's boy Mike Miller. Dwyane always struck me as a kid with a healthy, healthy ego - now he is the third highest paid player on his own team. But, almost impossibly, he is a bigger hero in Miami than he was before free agency. Everyone has already said it - but no one came out of this summer looking better than Dwyane Wade.
"Are you happy Udonis is back?"
I still have an erection.
"What were the three gayest things you did this summer?"
This, obviously, was the best question I received. Here you go:
1) Downloaded Drake's album, and put it in to heavy rotation on my ipod. Happened late in the summer, but, still, a clear-cut choice for number one on this list.
2) Okay, this one requires more explanation so you can understand just how gay it is. When the Heat signed Mike Miller - for those who don't know much about basketball, Mike Miller is a 6'7" white guy from one of the Dakotas who played at the University of Florida; is an unlikely close friend of Udonis Haslem and LeBron James; is one of the best shooters on the planet; rebounds very well for a small forward, and especially a small forward who is white; and turned down like an extra 10-12 million himself to come play for Miami - when the Heat signed him after getting Wade, Bosh, and James, I decided that I was going to approach my own summer-time workouts as if I were Mike Miller getting ready for this season with the Heat. So you might think to yourself, "Oh, he means he stepped up the intensity, imagining that he is going to be playing against the Lakers in the Finals and has to have his legs and balance in top shape for that one late shot in LA when Wade drives and kicks to him standing alone on the perimeter with the title on the line"...and you would be right. But it went way, way beyond that - I tried to imagine how Mike Miller might approach a certain drill ("probably likes a wider than normal stance on these leg presses"). I tried to imagine what Mike Miller might listen to on his ipod during a workout (my brother, A. Minutos, said clearly it would be Eminem's theme from 8 Mile over and over). After a good set of curls, I would pound my chest, and imagine Chris Bosh and Emcee Chalmers giving me dap on the way back to the bench after a big three caused the other team to call time out. I did draw the line at wearing a bandanna during my workouts, as I imagine Mike Miller does. But, still, that was a small, small concession to non-gayness. On the plus side - I am in great shape for an aging white dude. On the negative side - I was so busy lifting weights and doing cardio while pretending I was Mike Miller that I didn't get much shooting in, so if anyone does pass me the ball, my triple probably isn't going to go down.
3) I - happily - joined in a circle jerk with Wade, James, and Bosh. This was at the suggestion of my friend, and angry-at-LeBron-former-Cavalier-fan D. In retrospect, this maybe should be closer to the top of the list...
"Do you think Joel Anthony will be the next Dennis Rodman?"
First of all, I apologize to my friend Ring because he didn't actually ask this in the form of a question. It was more like he straight-up said that Joel Anthony will be the next Dennis Rodman, and to remember where I heard it first, and that I would have to eat my words making fun of him and Joel before the season was out...First of all, Ring is Canadian; Joel is Canadian - so that may be a factor. Second of all, Ring thinks I hate Joel just because I have been pointing out for years how unusual it is to have a 6'9" black Canadian who naturally secretes butter out of his appendage pores playing on your professional basketball team. I love Joel, and I think he is going to start at center, block a bunch shots, grab a few rebounds only to have them inexplicably squirt out of his hands skywards with no discernible movement on his part, and then watch from the bench as Udonis Haslem finishes games in his place...It's all good...I do admit, though, when I heard that Joel was the "go-to guy" for the Canadian national team this summer at the World Championships in Turkey, I didn't believe it unless by "go-to" they meant the guy you "go-to" to have him brush butter on your waffle with his hands before you put syrup on it. But, when they lost to Lebanon - Lebanon - during the tournament, yes, then I believed it.
We'll be back next week with more summer in review, including a tribute to the late, great Michael Beasley; and a definitive ruling on what nickname to use to refer to LeBron James this season. Until then, don't even trip...
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