What is up? Summer is over, fall is here, and the NBA remains stalemated (stalemet?) in a lockout. Training camps and preseason are now in immediate jeopardy, which is good, because both are super-boring. A lot of people have been expressing concern – not really about the lockout itself, because they could care less. They seem to be more concerned about my well-being. I get a lot of questions which basically boil down to “What are you going to do with all the extra free time, loser?” To be honest, probably nothing productive. But tonight we are going to give you six thoughts! Let's Go!!!
6 Thoughts
1) I am not addicted to Xanax. Yes, I started taking it recently to reduce my anxiety during plane flights, and it worked fairly well. If you have never tried it before, it isn’t nearly as good as marijuana or ecstasy, or most other drugs – you don’t get to that same creamy altered state - but it is definitely better than copious amounts of alcohol, because you don’t have to pee as often. So for flights it works well. I thought about telling a 9/11 joke here, but it probably isn't appropriate. Also, I couldn't think of one. Jesus, I really, really hate flying...
2) You can not will the stigmata in to your body. At least I can’t. I tried, several times, during the summer. Basically I would just lie spread-eagled on my bed, shut my eyes, and try to put my mind in a, umm, stigmatic state. Never worked. Not even too close, really. One time I felt a little scrape on my right ankle, but it was just sand from the beach that O. Minutos had tracked into my bed. Now that I am thinking about it: Is the stigmata good or bad? I’m not too strong on religion, as you know. Like, if a priest gets the stigmata, is he psyched? Bummed? Dead? Not too sure, really. During one of the attempts, M.Minutos asked what I was doing, I told her, and she said, “You realize you’re not even Catholic, right?” Yes – yes, I do. That’s what makes this so difficult…
3) Biggest NBA news of the summer (and it’s not even close): LeBron has finally addressed the many questions about his receding hairline! As readers of this blog know, last season, on numerous occasions, M.Minutos accused LeBron of gradually raising his headband as time went on to disguise his growing forehead. This led to the Casa Minutos game: “Predict which season LeBron will let it go and shave his head.” I still stand by my strong belief that he should have done it before last season – coming to a new team, as a villain (albeit a pretty polite villain, overall), presented the perfect opportunity to get that done. He didn’t, and thus in late August finally had to issue this statement via Twitter:
Had a dream my hairline was back! Woke up and went to bathroom, turned on light slowly. Same old story. Damn! Lol #wishfulthinking
Besides destroying MVP Derrick Rose in the playoffs, this is the best thing LeBron has done as a member of the Heat! Getting ahead of this story, taking it “head on” with a little bit of humor, shows a reasonable sense of self-awareness and promotional savvy that he seemed to lack all season long. LeBron is growing up! And losing his hair in the process! I have to believe this will free him mentally – maybe this was one of the reasons he wouldn’t go down on the block on offense last year: fear his headband would get knocked off, and he would get exposed. As a fellow balding man, I can appreciate the angst it can create, and know that LeBron will be better for addressing the issue – at a certain point you just have to let it go, and shave it down. Over an 82 game season, three easy playoff series wins, and one excruciating Finals loss, I never really felt LeBron was “one of us.” He still may not be a true “Heat” – but we will definitely accept him into the balding community! Welcome to Baldsville, LeBron – you’re my new favorite player!!! It’s not Dwyane’s team anymore – it’s YOUR team!!! OUR team!!! LET'S GO!!!
4) Whitest People Ever: George Washington, Mark Linn Baker, Tim Tebow, and Rumsfeld...People Who Seem Very White But Are Not: Lincoln (very swarthy; bearded; and wore a top hat and cape, like a sultan); Republican candidate for president, and former CEO of the imaginary ‘Godfather’s Pizza,’ Herman Cain (actually pretty dark-skinned); and Philip Seymour Hoffman (Jewish). [Editor’s note: Now watching the Republican presidential debate. Candidate Cain just proposed that we model the U.S. social security system after Chile’s (the restaurant Chili's? chili the food?). Uh-oh – not sure that’s going to play too well amongst the conservative Republican Teapartiers. I think that next he’s about to come out in favor of Death Panels! Again, this is why black dudes should probably stick to being Democrats. On the other hand, from what I can tell, he is the only one of these candidates with a definitive plan to do anything about anything, even if it is a plan, possibly, centered on a tomato-and-bean based stew...]
5) New driving game: Wrong Foot Driving. Should be self-explanatory. By the way, this can be very dangerous - only try this if you are R.Minutos.
6) So I was talking to a dude at a party a couple of nights ago, and he’s seen the blog a time or two (or a thousand) and he’s like, “Seriously – what are you doing with all your time since there isn’t any basketball to think about,” and I laughed, and he got a real concerned look on his face and goes, “No – seriously, what are you doing with your time?” And I was, like, “Oh, seriously? I’m watching English Premier League soccer,” and then he thought I was being a pain in the ass, so he just walked away. But, seriously, that’s what I am doing. I had no idea that I liked EPL until this year. O.Minutos, P.Minutos and I got sucked into Copa America, the South American soccer championships, this summer. We watched for three straight weeks on Telemundo and Univision, despite the fact that none of us speaks a word of Spanish. We were drawn to Uruguay, and got on them early – when they ended up winning, and striker Luis Suarez was the tournament’s MVP, we felt Uruguyan – “Ich bin ein Uruguyan!!!” Then we found out Suarez plays for Liverpool in EPL (after leaving the Dutch league, where he was once suspended for biting a guy). Then we found out that the ownership group that owns the Boston Red Sox owns Liverpool – and no one is a more convenient, bandwagon-y Red Sox fan than I am. Then, it turns out that LeBron is an investor in Liverpool – and when LeBron went public with the bald thing, I was two-thirds of the way in! First, I had to make sure that Liverpool wasn’t too douche-y a team to root for: my Scottish friend Scott gave his blessing on that (only negative- turns out the Beatles are from Liverpool). Then I had to figure out the differences between EPL, La Liga, Serie A, and Bundisliga, and what the hell the Champions League is. I think I got that. I had to figure out how to see the Liverpool games – turns out that Fox (Fox! I thought they hate foreigners! Wait- what? Oh, just brown foreigners!) has a soccer channel which shows a ton of EPL – it’s way down in the 1700s on my dial. I had never been past, like, 1400. Since then, I have been loving it – I haven’t missed a game yet, Suarez has been on fire, and Liverpool is right back in the hunt to return to Europe (that’s inside-y soccer stuff). I am even watching the mid-week highlight shows! Things about EPL that are better than the NBA: One, no instant replay! Thank Christ! If the ref fucks up a call, he fucks up a call, and we all live with it. There’s no going back to the replay so that he can re-fuck up the call. He couldn’t get it right the first time – now we are going to trust him to review it and get it right? At the end of a game, when it’s really important? Hell-no-thank-you! How about the other seventy calls he fucked up during the course of the game – 2 points is 2 points, no matter when you score them. Replay in sports is the work of the devil or, maybe, Mark Cuban...Two, tons of foreign dudes with weird names. Liverpool has a guy – not even sure where he’s from, he may be Hollish – named Dirk Kuyt, except it’s pronounced “Cowt,” like “cow” with a “t” on the end...Three, no salary cap. If there were no salary cap in the NBA, Miami would never lose a game because it’s in Miami, they have Dwyane Wade, and the owner, Mickey Arison, like, owns Israel...Four, when you live in South Florida, tons and tons of people love soccer, and they all have a different club they like, and it’s fun to talk about it; for basketball, everyone just likes Miami, and they want to fire Spo every time the Heat lose a game...So I am all in on the EPL. New feature in this blog, starting next week: From The Top of the Table - Current EPL Standings (A Statistical Analysis)!!! When the basketball lockout is over, I’ll decide whether EPL or the NBA wins out. But for now, I am enjoying my new sport. Cheers!
I’ll be back in a few weeks, or whenever the lockout ends (maybe). Until then, if you need me, I’ll be at Anfield. You’ll never walk alone…
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