1) Here is one thing that could never, ever happen: if Dwyane Wade (respendent in a blue checked shirt and khaki-colored suit) and LeBron James both had to miss a game; Chris Bosh played absolutely terribly down the the stretch; and Mario Chalmers decided he would just try to win a game by himself, shooting threes and going one-on-one off the dribble, all against a good team -- that would never, ever work. Not in a hundred million years, not in thousands of millenniums of galaxies beginning and ending...Never. That would never, ever, ever work. It just worked. LET'S GO AND LET'S GO AND GET IT, EMCEE CHALMERS STEPPING UP BIG IN TRIPLE-DIPPLE OVERTIME AND WINNING A UNWINNABLE GAME ON THE ROAD IN ATLANTA!!! WE ON FIYA, WE UP IN HERE!!! DO IT FOR THE FAM, EMCEE, DO! IT! FOR! THE! FAM!
2) Does that count as winning the championship? Can it at least count as one game in The Finals? No? It's just a regular win? Damn...
3) Listen, Atlanta Hawks, I don't even know what to tell you. That was maybe the least inspired basketball, considering the circumstances, I have ever seen an NBA team play. No Wade, no LeBron, Bosh reverting to his Becky Lobo impression down the stretch, and the Hawks shot 46 free throws to Miami's 23 -- and you lost. Undrafted Heat rookie Terrel Harris played forty-four minutes, and fifty year old Shane Battier played forty-nine. At the end of the second overtime, tied, when Hawks star Joe Johnson ran the clock down, tried to take Battier off the dribble to the rim to win the game, got his shoulder in front, and somehow the landlocked Battier recovered, reached out, and blocked his layup, the Hawks may have reached some kind of mystic nadir of pitiful athletic performance. I mean -- that was really something, Atlanta Hawks. That was really something.
4) It is entirely possible that Heat coach Erik Spoelstra does not know you are allowed to substitute in overtime. He was leaving that group of Emcee, Terrel Harris, Battier, UD, and Bosh out there no matter how tired they got. it was some kind of bizarre reverse jinx: the more tired that group of kids got, the worse the Hawks played. Reminded me and M.Minutos of a game years ago, during a bad season when Pat Riley suddenly decided he "needed surgery" halfway through a brutal losing streak, and flew to, like, Tahiti, on an extended vacation. Assistant Ron Rothstein took over, and on one fateful night, in a game we got way down, only to have a group of substitutes claw their way back into the game, then the game went into overtime, Rothstein never made even one substitution, and the Heat lost because that group got so exhausted that they couldn't move, all because Rothstein claimed, after the game, "that lineup deserved to have a chance to win it or lose it." Guess what, John Wooden? They lost it! I have never, ever forgiven him -- to this day, the sight of him on the Heat sideline (he is still an assistant) almost makes me want to lose, just to prove that he is still killing us. I would never feel that way about Spo - he's Fam - but, still, a substitution or two tonight might have been a good idea. But he won the game, so I guess he knows best.
5) Quite a heroic effort, on the whole. Oh, not by the players - sure, I mean, by the players also, they were great. But I really meant by the television audience, who had to endure a national TNT crew with "special" guest color commentator Charles Barkley. And, yes, by "special," I do mean "retarded." I just realize how grouchy I sound tonight, and, honestly, it's all because of him -- he's such a blowhard, he ruins the game. I know he's a bright guy, and he seems reasonably likable (if you didn't have to watch him on television). And I know I should just turn off the sound. To have to sit there and have him spout nonsense for an entire game, and three overtimes, is cruel. He championed Hawks reserve forward Ivan Johnson's every move, I guess, because it was so edgy to do so -- the guy clearly sucks. He had a couple of nice moments, I was happy for him, but he also committed five brainless turnovers and six fouls in only 21 minutes, and single-handedly kept Miami in the game during the first two overtimes. We are all watching the guy play sucky - to sit there and say he is playing great is- I don't what it is. Is it some kind of shot at the white television audience, mocking us because we are mindless sheep? Is it some kind of meta mindfuck to try to will the guy to beat Miami, because Dwyane and LeBron despise Barkley? It's so stupid, it's like Bill-Simmons-I-can-see-the-fear-in-his-eyes level stupid. And, by the way, it was probably the smartest thing Barkley said all night. To the degree it matters, which is not at all, he just went out there and made America stupider for four hours. And believe me, we don't need the help!
6) I think Dos Minutos has a new favorite high school basketball team, and it's the Connell High Eagles! Each of these six flagrant fouls is great - everyone will have a different favorite - but if you only have time to watch one, skip ahead to 2:53 for flagrant foul # 5. I am not saying that #34's clothesline of the driving guard isn't a wee bit excessive; I'm just saying that the (probably justifiably) concerned parent who filmed these, and felt compelled to slow-mo replay each one about twelve times, never mentions the borderline illegal screen by #10 in maroon on the drive. I think #34 on white committed 4 of these 6 fouls - you can't tell me this kid couldn't step in and give the New York Knicks a solid 18-20 minutes up front right now...
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Next game, I believe, is Saturday, and I believe it against the Nets. If you need me before then? Kuh-duh -- I'll be outside in my #34 Connell High Eagles jersey, laying the fucking wood on some of the smaller neighborhood kids! GOODNIGHT, AND ESPECIALLY GOODNIGHT TO YOU, EMCEE CHALMERS! I ALWAYS BELIEVED IN YOU, EVEN THOUGH NO ONE ELSE DID!
