Heat 105 Nets 85

6 Thoughts

1) Well, the Nets have moved out of New Jersey, and KJ James pointed out that it was his first time ever being in Brooklyn.  That puts him one step ahead of me - I don't even know where Brooklyn is, even though I grew up in Connecticut.  I know it is part of New York, but not Manhattan.  By the way, I'm not smart - don't go by me...As for the game, it seemed a lot like most Heat-Nets games in New Jersey.  A lot of cheers during Dwyane Wade's introduction, "MVP" chants for KJ James, and a medium-intensity game that was close for a while before the Heat kind of blew it open early in the second half.  The only complaint came from Dwyane Wade: "I wish our locker room was a little bigger."  Life's so tough on the road in the NBA!  We go hard, Brooklyn, same as it ever was!  Stud Doogie, are you with me!  Let it fly!!!

2) Before the game, Nets journeyman forward Reggie Evans, who is a little crazy, took a few shots at KJ James, claiming, amongst other things, that "he's no different than Andray Blatche or Joe Johnson."  Black?  KJ had it mostly in cruise control tonight, but controlled the game pretty effectively from the perimeter - no need to get his hands too dirty in this one.  Only had to play 34 minutes, and had 24 points, 9 rebounds, and  7 assists.  No one's quite sure what Reggie Evans was trying to say about KJ, exactly, but ESPN Heat beat writer Tom Haberstroh quickly looked up the numbers.  You know how many times Joe Johnson has had at least 24, 9, and 7 in 877 career games?  Once.  One time.  He's done it!  Reggie Evans was right - KJ James and Joe Johnson are the same!!!

3) The Nets are a big, physical team - if they can slow the game down and pound the ball inside to their big center Brook Lopez, they can hang with anyone.  Lopez had 21 points and 7 rebounds; a bloody chin; and some kind-of-gross back-neck hair.  It's cool to grow the afro out, but have someone touch up the back of the neck for you, Big Fella.  But put the Nets bigs and wings out into space, and they have trouble - they aren't a particularly athletic team.  In the third quarter, Miami got up into the Nets defensively a bit, turned them over some, and got easy runouts during a 15-0 run, and then spent the rest of the half picking them apart on pick-and-rolls.  Even Udonis Haslem got a dunk or two in the halfcourt!  So let's review the qualities of the toughest three opponents on this road trip: Brooklyn can score, but they can't really stop you from scoring.  Indiana can stop you from scoring, but they can't really score themselves.  And, Boston?  #Doucheball.  Any questions?  The end.

4) Play of the game: three way tie!!! One, in the first quarter, Chris "Birdman" Anderson stole the ball from Deron Williams at the top of the key, wildly careened downcourt dribbling the ball, kind of half-Euro-stepped Williams, who pretty much just wanted to get out of the way, and finished while getting fouled!  And 1!  "That seemed like a really bad idea when he started it," I pointed out, but M.Minutos admonished me: "C'mon, that's the Birdman doing the things that a Birdman does, and what a Birdman brings!"  True...Two, in the third quarter, as the Heat were turning the game into a laugher, Mario "Emcee" Chalmers (11 points on 5-7, 4 assists, 3 steals, and somehow zero turnovers), drove the lane and took a bump while shooting a floater, which knocked him to the court.  All three Nets in the area stopped playing because they assumed a foul was going to be called, but no one blew the whistle and the ball bounced off the front iron, right back to Emcee, who caught it while sitting on his booty in the middle of the lane.  Even better, he suddenly reached back and threw a low, skidding bounce pass to Dwyane Wade, who got one-on-one with Lopez, and made an easy, short jumper over him.  Frankly, it was better than 90 percent of the passes Chalmers throws while standing up.  "It really seemed like he could see the good passing angles from down there," M.Minutos raved...Finally, in garbage time, which was the entire fourth quarter, Nets backup rookie Mirza Teletovic (I have no idea if I spelled that right - you get the idea, he's not from here) got an offensive rebound at the rim and tried to drop it back through (he's pretty tall, a good 6'8" or so).  "Nyet so fast!" thundered Shane Battier, who went straight up and blocked the shot right back in Teletovic's face!  That's pretty much the first time Battioke has done that in his career - sometimes he'll get a sneaky tip-block from behind, or a crafty strip-block, but as far as taking away a hoop right at the rim?  Never!  Except that 40 seconds later, the exact same thing happened between the exact same two guys, and this time Battioke blocked it so hard that he put Teletovic on his back!  Get that Euro-mess out of here!  Don't hurt 'em, Battioke!   

5) So, sometimes we'll be watching a game and there will be a pugnaciously scrappy little opponent driving the Heat crazy.  That loss to Dallas in the 2011 Finals still hurts - damn you, JJ Juan Barea (Hubeism)!!!  And either myself, or M.Minutos - usually M.Minutos, to be frank - will just go, "little turd."  It sounds meaner than it is, it's kind of descriptive, and kind of a term of endearment, not a real-life, qualitative assessment of the guy's real-life turdiness, or lack thereof.  I mean, we all know the kind of guy we are talking about here - this just puts a name on it.  M.Minutos made a chart to help us all out: 

Three thoughts on this relative to tonight's game: seems unnecessary to put former Nets coach Avery Johnson on the list - he's no longer affiliated with the league in any way since the Nets' players kind of layed it down and got him whacked earlier in the year.  Also, Deron Williams seems too physically big to be on the list.  He's a power guard who plays at a slower overall pace.  Also, in fairness, if Norris Cole were not on the Heat, he would certainly be on this list - he's not overtly combative, personality-wise, but he does love to foul and plays irrationally hard.  But, he is on the Heat, so he can't be on this list - I'm sure he's on the "A Raptor's Life" blog's list of annoying little guys.

6) I'm in love with the Snake Lady - BFD, what do you care?  I met her at the South Florida Fair last week.  Just because she has the head of a woman, and the body of a snake, doesn't mean I don't care about her deeply.  I'm head-over-vertebrae in love with her!  You ever kissed a woman with a forked tongue?  Mmmm-hmmm: Stud Doogie are you with me!  Wiggles, I hate it when you leave, but I love to watch you slither away!  I know it can never work out, though.  For one, the fair leaves Palm Beach County next week to go to Slidell, Lousiana.  Also, I'm married.  My wife is super-cool, but she's not so cool that she's okay with me having a crush on the Snake Lady.  A mermaid, maybe, but getting reptilian with the Snake Lady?  No way.  We'll always have our serpentine love, girl...
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Okay, we play Indiana Friday.  Thank God the Nets were in between Boston and Indiana, the Nets are pretty benign - Boston-Indiana back-to-back would be jackass overload.  If you need me before Friday, I'll be at the Palm Beach Zoo in the Rept--ummm, never mind.  See you Friday, when we'll preview Superbowl Lamb Fajitas!
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Celtics 100 Heat 98 2ot

6 Thoughts

1) A bit of a crazy day - it's 75% out and sunny, and everyone in Miami's day got wasted by a 4 hour long, meaningless double-overtime loss to a team that treated the game like their Superbowl.  And, as it turned out, it was their Superbowl - by the time the playoffs roll around, #Doucheball may be forever gone (but not forgotten).  As Heat radio host Jonathan Zaslow tweeted after the game: "Gutsy win for Boston. They can look back and feel good about that one when they’re on the clock in the lottery."  Let's explain, and let's go.  Stud Doogie, are you with me!!!

2) Okay, so right before the game it turned out that Rajon Rondo had to leave warmups and go to the hospital for an MRI on his knee which he injured in Boston's last game against Atlanta, I assume while he was kicking someone.  In the first half rumors swirled that he had a torn ACL and his season was over - ABC broadcaster Mike Tirico kept talking about how difficult the waiting was for the Celtics players.  He means they were hoping he was hurt, right?  On the one hand, without Rondo they probably can still make the playoffs in the East (anyone can make the playoffs in the East), but it is hard to see them having any impact whatsoever.  On the other hand, I don't think anyone on the Celtics is going to complain about getting to spend a few months away from Rajon Rondo.  The kid's an absolute social deviant, and even though he's Boston's best player, they try to trade him every year, and I am certain that every player on the Celtics absolutely despises being teammates with him...Still, in my mind, they were the most likely team to give Miami a tough 7 game series, as well as the team I most want to send home for the summer (as we have the past two seasons, I might point out).  That's probably over, so it's kind of disappointing.  It's hard to see Boston not breaking this group up at the trading deadline - if you can get rebuilding assets for Pierce and Garnett, don't you have to trade them?  Those guys could help any playoff team...Ahhh, #Doucheball...It's not even totally gone yet, and already I miss it...But you know what?   Hello, New York Knicks - step up to the plate: you just became Public Enemy #1!  

3) As for the game, Boston was in full-on Superbowl Sunday mode, and Miami was in its normal road game gear: shoot jumpers for three and a half quarters, and try to steal it at the end.  The triples didn't go in - only 5-23 (1 by KJ James at the end of regulation to send it to overtime) - and even though Ray Allen scored 21 points in his return to Boston, he was only 2-8 from deep.  One of those days.  Dwyane played poorly, ending a long stretch of fabulous games, and KJ seemed half-interested most of the day.  Still, like we always point out, a bad day for him is a career day for most players: 34 points, 16 rebounds, 7 assists.  This is going to be a tough week:  today it was Boston treating this like their biggest game of the season, and Miami will get the same thing on Wednesday in Brooklyn, and the same thing again on Friday in Indiana.  Ughh - season's sooo long!  Can we just start the playoffs now?

4) Mario Chalmers' Twitter Corner: "Honey, we could give him your first name as a middle name, if you want."  "Yeahhh - you know what would be better?  Take out the 'L," and put in an apostrophe."

@mchalmers15

5 years ago on this day a star was born. Wanna wish my son Zachiah A'Mario very special happy 5th birthday. I love u Z man. Enjoy ur day

 

As always: doin' it all.

 

5) This is an actual excerpt from an actual column by actual ESPN basketball writer Marc Stein.  Look - he's done this for a long time, but he is basically a lowest-common denominator guy.  He's the kind of writer who can judge a player's "will to win" by the relative amount, or lack thereof, of "fire in his eyes."  You know the type.  Just because he's been doing it for a long time doesn't mean he's good at it; there's this one cashier at the Publix I go to who has been nasty to every person who has ever checked out in her line for the past 15 years - she stinks at her job, too.  Still, even for Marc Stein, this is incredibly dumb:

 

I gotta challenge my old friend Ric Bucher on his Twitter suggestion earlier this week that LeBron James has to have the lead on Kevin Durant in the MVP race at the season's midpoint because LeBron's D is so much better. Buch is certainly entitled to cast his vote any way he wants, like the other 125-ish folks who are handed ballots at season's end, but here's my counter: If that's standard, LeBron might as well be named MVP before the season starts, because he's going to be the best two-way player in the league for years to come.

 

Haaaa!!!!  So, let me get this straight: it's dumb to vote for KJ James for MVP because he's always the best player?  Haaaa!!!! Ohhhhhhh!  I get it now - I thought we were supposed to vote for the best player for MVP!  My bad!  By Marc Stein's standard, though, why would you vote for Kevin Durant?  Isn't he also too good?  Those gleeful "MVP" chants in The Trip every time Joel Anthony steps up to the line for free throws are starting to make a lot more sense!  Goodness gracious - it's one thing to be mediocre at your job, Marc Stein, but could you at least try to be mediocre at your job without making America dumber?  We are already dumb enough!

 

6) For the record, here's what I ate on my annual trip to the South Florida Fair last week: a giant gyro; fried jalapenos and pickles; fried Reese's Peanut Butter Cups; vanilla ice cream (just a little bit); a big mug of sweet tea; and a giant piece of chocolate-covered cheesecake.  Stud Doogie, are you with me!!!
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Okay, time to get outside, see some sunshine!  Next game is Wednesday against Brooklyn.  If you need me before then, I'll be fasting.  Eat a nutritious dinner, people.   There's five food groups, you know, five food groups!
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Heat 110 Pistons 88

6 Thoughts

1) Layup City!  Let it Fly!

2) Dwyane Wade: he's scoring over 20 points per game, he's shooting over 51% from the floor, and lately whatever bounce he's lost off his ups, he's made up for with savvy movement both on and off the ball.  He took the Pistons apart tonight, 29 points on 12-20 from the floor, 7 assists, 5 boards, 3 steals, and a block.  There aren't many games KJ James plays in when he isn't the best player on the floor, but tonight he was a role player - DWade dominated this game.  He blew the game open during a 26-4 second quarter run when he kept stealing the ball, motoring down court and dunking or, on the second best play of the game, went hard down the middle in transition, took off for a swooping scoop shot, only to look away left and scoop the ball up behind him to the right to an absolutely thundering James for a two-handed earthquake.  "He could have dunked that ball with his chin," crowed Tony Fiorentino!  "That does not seem like it would be safe," pointed out the more practical M.Minutos.  Wade had 23 at half, and punctuated his second quarter performance by tomahawking Kyle Singler's runner at the buzzer off Singler's forehead!  For good measure, late in the game Dwyane viciously one-hand tip-slammed a Chris Bosh miss like it was 2006!  Ballgame!  For one night, it was DWade's house again!  Short-term rental from KJ James!

3) Play of the game: easily, during the break between the third and fourth quarters, when a slightly portly fan dressed in a banana yellow zipup threw in a half-court hook shot to win $75,000 for himself, and $75,000 for the Boys and Girls Club, courtesy of KJ James' foundation.  As the man celebrated, KJ James came sprinting out to halfcourt, face all lit up with joy, and tackled the dude, then knelt over him and thumped him in the chest with glee!  Seriously, KJ is such a nice dude.  Maybe - maybe - KJ was this happy when they won the championship last year:

After the game, Dwyane lauded the shot - "A hook shot!  We ought to bring that guy back - you never know, we might need him in a late game situation."

4) Noticed a new ref tonight: Scott Twardoski.  "I've never noticed him before," theorized M.Minutos, "but I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that he is terrible..."  In the first quarter, 'future Piston superstar' Rodney Stuckey ("the next Dwyane Wade" for soooo many years) drove left on Dwyane, tried to reach back with his right hand to flip it back to the rim, and Dwyane spiked it off his noggin.  Buttt, here came Scott Twardoski running in to call a foul on Dwyane, to the surprise of everyone, including Rodney Stuckey.  Stuckey then stepped up to the line and bricked both free throws - man, that must have been a really bad call!  Ball don't lie, Scott Twardoski, BALL DO NOT LIE!!!  Twardoski redeemed himself in the third quarter when KJ James posted up on the block, spun baseline for a turnaround, and Piston rookie Andre Drummond karate chopped him in the face, knocking him down.  Twardoski, two feet away from it in perfect position, did not call a foul - that's perfect, that's exactly what he's supposed to do, that's how this league runs: it's best player never gets a call because he is too big, too strong, and too skilled, and so we are all just supposed to ignore it when he gets whacked over and over again at the rim, and just expect him to finish those plays without a foul since he is better than everybody else.  Good job, Scott Twardoski, you're gonna do fine in this league, that call will grade out perfectly in the league office: "textbook."  You could be the next Dick Bavetta.

5) The University of Kansas has a long tradition of basketball excellence and from time-to-time a Kansas player's career is so outstanding that the University retires his uniform number.  Look up in the rafters at Phog Allen Fieldhouse, or whatever their arena is called, and you will see hanging the jersey of all-time basketball great Wilt Chamberlain.  Wilt defines dominance - he changed basketball forever, he combined overwhelming size with incredible athleticism, and every great big that came after him - Kareem, Shaq, Tim Duncan, Dwight Howard - all owe him a debt of gratitude.  Look next to Wilt's jersey and you will see Paul Pierce's number hanging up there.  His late-career association with #Doucheball notwithstanding, he played basketball the right way, combining all-around excellence on the offensive end with a commitment to defense and teamwork that not every player as talented as he exhibits.  On February 16th, during the All-Star break, another great will join them: ALMARIO VERNARD CHALMERS!!!  His #15 is going up next to Wilt and Pierce's numbers, and with good reason - the retired guys' offense was going wayyy too smoothly, they didn't have anyone to come down on the break and throw an alley-oop pass eleven feet over Pierce's head, and get a wing screen from Wilt, dribble down the baseline like he's walking a tightrope, and then fall down out of bounds with the ball!  Or, to hit huge money triples when they play the Retired Legends of the OKC Thunder up in Heaven!  Or, to singlehandedly keep John Calipari (Satan) and Derrick Rose (who's worse than Satan?) from winning a national championship!  This whole event is so typical of Emcee Chalmers: just when you think he's done it all, he does more!   Enjoy the weekend and the ceremony, Emcee Chalmers, congratulations!  And try not to injure anybody when you're raising that giant uniform up to the ceiling!

6) Yo, have we posted this before?  This is a band from Cincinnati named Wussy.  They are ill, which is unusual, nothing good everrr comes from Cincinnati, right?  Psych: Heat television host extraordinaire Jason Jackson is from Cincinnati, so you know that town is mad talented!  You know else is from Cincinnati?  Steven Spielberg, only the greatest filmmaker of our time (in his mind).  You who else?  Sarah Jessica Parker and George Clooney!  You know who else?  Nipsy Russell!  Yeah, Nipsy Russell - kids, ask your parents (or Jax) if you don't know who that is!  Anyways, I saw this band open for Afghan Whigs a couple of months ago, I may already have posted one of their songs, I can't remember.  Who cares - so good!  I wanted to post like a video or a live performance, but this band is so small that they don't have real videos, and all the live performances are, like, half-recorded by a drunk dude with his phone while balancing it on his beer.  So here is the studio version of one of the illest break-up songs ever.  Jax: how could you call me up and kill me with the voice that used to thrill me on the fucking telephone?  No, seriously, Jax: how could you?

  
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Sunday, it starts: Sunday afternoon games for the one team in the league that has perfect weather throughout the entire season.  Would it kill the league office to have Toronto play Milwaukee on Sunday afternoon?  No?  It wouldn't kill the league office?  Oh - just the fans across the country who had to watch it on tv?  Okay, okay, we'll play.  Damn.  And worse: #Doucheball.  If you need me before then, I'll be rubbing my Ray Allen Milwaukee Bucks bobblehead for good luck - got to break that #Doucheball spell!  See you Sunday!
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Heat 123 Raptors 116 ot

6 Thoughts

1) I went to the University of Miami's 30 point crushing of Duke University tonight in Coral Gables - Duke Coach Mike Kryzewski is now 1-2 lifetime in games I have attended in person.  If Kentucky coach John Calipari is the Devil, then Coach K is Lucifer, and-  wait, what?  Oh, that's the same dude?  Wait - John Calipari and Mike Kryzewski are both the devil - you mean they've been the same dude all along?  This is starting to make sense!  Anyways, in the Heat game, Miami got just what they wanted out of a regular season game, it was a garden-variety home win.  It's 1:45 am, let's let it fly super-fast, deal?  Satan, damnnnn!!!

2) Toronto shot the snot out of the ball (14-31 on triples), and Miami played about 5 minutes of defense, which is about where they want it for a meaningless regular-season game.  They got the requisite stop late when DeMar DeRozan picked the one guy on the Heat not to be f-ed with, Dwyane Wade, and tried to f- with him, and ended up throwing a layup pretty much over the backboard.  The Heat got 14 in the 3rd quarter from Wade (35 points with 7 dimes and 5 boards overall) to erase a sluggish 15 point deficit (shaking off 5 days of inactivity), and a triple double from KJ James (31, 11, 10).  And they got 2 huge triples from Ray Allen (18 points on 7-10), one halfway through overtime on simple pindown-stepback to cut a 4 point lead to 1, and one to close the game out with under a minute to go on a drive-and-kick from Wade.  In the regular season, Miami is going to try to outexecute and outscore opponents.  Come playoff time, they'll try to outscrap them, too, but for these next 40 or so games, this is the blueprint.  Like it or not (at times it is frustrating).

3) Play of the game: definitely in the third quarter when Chris Bosh was 1-6 from the line, and Dwyane Wade wasn't much better, and the Heat were down double digits.  I suddenly remembered that I am supposed to ignore Heat free throw shooters and stare at the rim, which helps the player focus in on the task at hand.  Bosh instantly made four free throws in a row, Wade found KJ on an alley oop dunk, then KJ found Wade for a backdoor layup, and the Heat led by 4 after 3 quarters.  You're welcome.

4)  Time for The Birdman to fly!  The Heat signed Chris Anderson to a 10 day contract!   The lanky 6'10" rebounder and shot blocker hasn't played in the NBA for a year, was once suspended for two seasons due to illegal drug use (we're all assuming crystal meth, right?), and last spring was involved in a child pornography investigation by the Denver police.  And by "involved," I don't mean he was helping to conduct the investigation.  But at least he had off-season knee surgery!  You know what?  None of that matters - all that matters is the number of times I am going to see him on the bench, or in the game, or in pre-game warmups, or in a montage of the team walking into the arena, and I scream: "Bird-man, drive a red Range!!"  You know how many times I will say that from now until The Birdman isn't on the Heat any longer?  As many times as I see him on my tv doing any one of those things (or even just think about him doing one of those things) - that many times!  Here's a chart made by M.Minutos to help you distinguish the real Birdman, Chris Anderson, from the rapper Birdman, who often attends Heat games and sits in the front row close to the scorer's table (and by the way, I also scream "Bird-man, drive a red Range" every time I see him):

By the way, the best thing about the chart is The Birdman's quote from after his first practice when he highlighted what he will bring to the team by saying, "the usual that a Birdman does," as if there are other shot-blocking Birdmen out there who could potentially help NBA title contenders!  Like he's just one of a tribe!  Bird-man, drive a red Range!!!  See?  Birdman didn't get in tonight - still hibernating, getting ready for his emergence from the cocoon.  Not sure those analogies were right, by the way, not a big Animal Planet guy.  Understand this: when The Birdman flies, you will know it, okay?

5) Recently at Dos Minutos International Headquarters, The Captain passionately made the following point: "You know how when you throw the ball into the post to a big man, it is called an 'entry' pass?  Well, how come when the big man passes it back out to a shooter it is called a 'kickout?'  Shouldn't it be called an 'exit pass?'"  Holy crap - he's right!  NBA Commissioner David Stern is retiring in the spring - do we have a replacement yet?  I think I have a candidate!  Oh, Deputy Commissioner Adam Silver is taking over?  Okay, maybe next time for The Captain.  He's right, though, and from now on in this blog, we will call that pass the "exit pass."  Think about it: entry wound, exit wound, right?  Which reminds me...

6) ...also a few days ago at Dos M. Int'l HQs, in a separate incident, someone said to me, "you know who you look like?  A young General Stanley McChrystal."  Exactly!  Who's that again?  I had to google him. I don't know if overall it's a compliment or not, but obviously the number one priority in my life is serving this great nation by preserving its democratic values - why do you think I write this blog?

Looking at the pictures I googled, I don't know if I look like him, as much as we share similar facial expressions in our day-to-day responsibilites. 

Here's me trying to decide whether to post a video of Shane Battioke singing "Love Boat," or invade China:

And here's me wondering why O. and P.Minutos are screwing around in the bathroom instead of getting their teeth brushed like I asked them too, or being completely frustrated with President Obama's speech on gun control.  How can he not understand that automatic assault weapons are an integral part of every American's day-to-day life?

Finally, here I am when I heard the news that the Heat signed the Birdman!  Bird-man, drive a red Range!!!
                                            

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Well, the five night vacation is over.  It was great, I got a lot of rest, was reintroduced to my children, and watched the Devil get blown out by the Canes.  We're back on Friday for a game against the Pistons.  To be honest with you, I'm not even sure that's a different team than the Raptors, they are pretty, prettyyy similiar mid-level, stinky, blue-and-red uniformed teams.  If you need me before Friday, I'll be in the mess hall hazing plebes.  Ten-hut!
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Heat 99 Lakers 90

6 Thoughts

1) Cal-i-forn-i-a?  Who runs this city?  Yeahhhh, Heat scuffled around for three and a half quarters without being able to make a jump shot, were even with 2:30 to go, and scored the last 9 points of the game to end the West Coast road trip 3-0 in California (3-3 overall - shhhhh)!  Umm, Kobe?  Hey, Kobe?  Yo, Kobe?  You can leave your keys on the counter on your way out - I think KJ James owns your house now!  Let it fly!  Or not, doesn't even matter, we don't even need shooting to win!

2) Holy KJ James - 15-16 in the paint, 17-25 overall, 39 points, one of the Heat's two (huge) triples, 7 rebounds, 8 assists, 3 steals, and a block, erased Kobe Bryant in the last 2:30 of the game, hit the dagger pullup with under a minute to go to ice it, and had one of the crazier plays of this or any season when he somehow beat Kobe Bryant to a loose ball on the floor, barrel-rolled, popped up, took a body check from Bryant (no foul, of course), pushed it up court, and found Walter Ray Allen for the Heat's first triple of the game to put them up 3 with 5 minutes to go.  He did everything, he was freaking crazy - he was KJ!  He got 3 late hoops from Ray, including a sweet high-arcing floater over Dwight Howard; and a good all-around game from Dwyane Wade: 27 points, solid defensive work all night, and the key defensive play of the game when he swallowed Steve Nash whole on a drive.  How many times have we said it?  Never test Dwyane late in a game by trying to take him to the rim, unless you really, really like the sensation of leather slapping against your forehead.  But mostly, it was KJ - pounded the paint relentlessly all night.  He scored on Howard, he scored on Artest, he scored on Gasol, he scored on Marky Mark sitting next to the Lakers bench - he dominated.  He looked tired, he didn't really have his legs, but it was a national tv game, it was the last game of a long and grueling trip, so he sucked it up, and got it done.  That man does work.  Every night - respect him so hard.

3) It was a national TNT only game.  In a million ways, the group on TNT tries to make America dumber about basketball.  Spent the entire night preaching that Miami is too small to win a championship, which is super-odd, because they just won the last championship with the exact same team!  You want to say you think they won't do it again?  Okay, cool - the odds are on your side, there's 30 teams, only one will win the title.  I predict it will rain some time this month.  Ummm, duh?  But to say it's impossible, like the TNT guys?  That's just dumb.  By the way, the team that is too small to win the championship, besides winning the championship last year, won the paint points against Dwight Howard tonight 68-28.  So there's that.  The only truly good part of a TNT broadcast is watching Charles Barkley try to troll so hard all over Miami.  He had such a good thing going with Dwyane Wade when Dwyane put him in the T-Mobile commercials, then messed it up by picking the wrong horse and going hard anti-Heat the last couple of seasons.  Oops - they won the title, and Dwyane and KJ openly loathe Charles - guess who isn't sitting at the cool kids table anymore?  Gotta hurt being on the outside after it was so, so good on the inside, which would kind of remind me of Patrick Dempsey in "Can't Buy Me Love," if I had ever seen that ridiculous movie, which obviously I haven't since I am a mature adult - he got to experience being on the inside for a minute, only for it to hurt that much more when you get bounced back out.  Awww - at least you can still hang out with Shaq - nobody likes him either, anymore.  If we live long enough, we all get old and uncool (if we ever were cool, which I was not); Charles tried to outcool the younger dudes, and ended up looking like the douchey, old, bitter guy.  Older dudes: step aside and let the younger dudes be cool. 

4) Film review: "Stand by Bosh" - Chris Bosh, Joel Anthony, and Norris Cole discover a dead body in a little alley off of 8th St and Euclid Ave in South Beach on the way to eat at Johnny Rockets on Ocean after a home win over the Toronto Raptors.  They want to report the crime to the police, but South Beach bullies Gloria Estefan and her evil husband Emilio try to frame Chris, Joel, and Norris for the crime, which is a shame because Chris, in particular, is a huge fan of the Miami Sound Machine.  The guys escape unharmed when Joel obliterates Emilio with a crushing moving screen, and the film ends with Chris looking back years later on what he learned that day: always eat at the Johnny Rockets in Coconut Grove, it's much safer.   

5) Listen, I love Shane Battioke as much as the next guy, and it's pretty much the only charity on earth where I feel like there is any chance whatsoever that any of the money raised gets to an actual person in need...but he's over-bad singing this on purpose, right?  We get it, you're bad.  But you aren't this bad:


6) Sooo many times we'd just be sitting around Dos Minutos International Headquarters and I'd say to The Captain, "Landis, man, it's all about Landis.  Pound for pound, man, pound for pound."  And he'd always be like, "Lance has the rings - end of story."  And I'd have to shut up - there's no comeback to the "rings" argument, not really.  Well, who got the juice now, boy?  WHO GOT THE JUICE NOW???
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The long west coast trip is over and now the Heat - and more importantly, me - have 5 straight nights off!  I don't even know when our next game is, or who it is against!  Sometime next week.  If you need me before then, I'll be trying to get my bike chain back up on the gear thing - opening at the top of cycling now, boy, and I'm just the dude to fill it!  Have a great few nights off!
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Heat 92 Warriors 75

6 Thoughts

1) When Miami comes with its full squad ready to play hard defensively, it's a whole different level.  KJ James and Dwyane Wade got after it defensively from the jump in Oakland, and never let up - Miami forced 21 Golden State turnovers, blocked 5 shots, had 11 steals, and held the Warriors to 36% from the floor.  No other team can wreak end-to-end havoc like Miami.  Tonight, they struggled shooting the ball, and still blew out a good team in its own building: ground to a 14 point halftime lead, and when the shooting momentarily kicked in on the first two possessions of the second half (back-to-back Emcee Chalmers triples), the Heat led by 20, and this game was over.  They eventually stretched it out to 35 before calling off the dogs.  There's been a lot of drama over the last couple of days, and somehow everyone forgets how high this team's top gear is - last year's Finals showed no one else is at that level.  Some year, the playoffs are going to roll around and Miami isn't going to be able to hit that top gear anymore - it happens to everyone.  Maybe it will be this year.  But let's let that happen before we all bury them, shall we?  Come on, let it fly!

2) KJ James (25 points, 7 boards, 10 assists) set three milestones tonight: one, reached 5,000 assists.  Two, became the youngest player to score 20,000 points.  Three, became the first  player in basketball history to absorb two flagrant fouls in the same season from the usually physically-indifferent David Lee.  Late in the second quarter, Lee, who received a flagrant a few weeks ago in Miami for his double-karate chop on a KJ drive to the rim, responded to KJ's 20,000th point by trotting down next to him to the Warriors offensive end, then three steps before the three point line he suddenly wheeled and double-forearmed KJ in the chest, putting him on his back.  One of the most bizarre plays of the season.  Referee Danny Crawford immediately jumped in and called a flagrant foul as KJ looked on in wonderment - he has a slow, slow fuse.  David Lee is super-lucky he didn't double-forearm Dwyane Wade, because he'd be sluicing for his teeth in the San Francisco Bay right now if he had tried Dwyane like that.  After watching the replay 8 times, I was sure the refs, who were also reviewing it, would eject Lee.  Yet, somehow, no, they watched it and determined it was just a regular foul.  As always, welcome to KJ's world.  If that's any other player in the league who takes that hit, it's an automatic ejection.  First half ended with him clearing out the the top, going left, taking a hard bodycheck from Richard Jefferson (haaa - Richard Jefferson!), and draining a jumper, then turning and looking at the ref while shaking his head.  Any other player in the league gets that call.  Still don't get the reason for the double-standard.

3) Miami has signed big man Jarvis Varnado to a 10 day contract.  Think today was like day 6: tick-tock, Jarvis, tick-tock.  Still, Jarvis brings something sorely missed ever since Ronny Turiaf decided to sign with the Clippers over the summer: a great bench celebrator!  When Udonis Haslem thunder-tip-slammed a KJ missed first quarter runner like it was 2006, the Heat bench exploded to its feet.  Varnado, strategically positioned right in the center of the reserves, got a step ahead of the other guys and thrust his long arms out wide in the classic "hold-u-all-back" pose.  So good.  We've needed that.  However, moments later, when KJ hit a long triple, Varnado got up and did it again.  Uh-oh, he might be going too far: Jarvis Varnado might be a "habitual holdbacker."  Bears watching.  Wait a second - is his name Justin or Jarvis?  Jarvis?  Okay, good, I got it right.  Let's move on.

4) Well, as readers of this blog know, all season long we've been talking about how much we love Memphis Grizzlies play-by-play announcer Pete Pranica.  This started early in the season during a Heat loss to Memphis, when Heat play-by-player (and big FAU hoops fan) Eric Reid spent much of the game praising the work of Grizzly point guard Mike Conley.  If our announcer is going to rep their point guard, it only seemed fair for this blog to rep their play-by-play guy - and, by the way, it's well-deserved, Pete Pranica is the best: comes prepared, he's quick off the cuff, and knows the history of the league inside and out.  I mean, I would assume - never actually heard him do a game, or anything.  Anyways, during tonight's broadcast, Heat host Jason Jackson was grumbling away on Twitter about his job traveling first-class around the country and reporting on KJ James and Dwyane Wade's basketball games - while he was grinding away at this nightmare, apparently a Warrior employee stepped into his light, or something.  AND WHO CAME TO HIS RESCUE ON TWITTER?  MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES ANNOUNCER PETE PRANICA, THAT'S WHO!!!

 Pete Pranica‏  RT @TheJaxShow our sideline reporter has had similar issues in that arena. 

Look at how he got right to the heart of the issue with so few words, yet still managed to convey a level of sympathy that I didn't even approach in my recounting of Jax' dire situation.  That's why he's Pete Pranica, man.  The best...

5) Film review: "RoboBosh" - After being benched in the fourth quarter of a game in which he got abused on the boards by Andrea Bargniani, Pat Riley rebuilds Chris' confidence through a personality-reprogramming process, and Chris goes on a two month rebounding tear which sees him vault to the top of the league leaders.  However, on the eve of the playoffs, Chris' body, and more importantly his spirit, are utterly crushed when evil Tyson Chandler flagrant 2's him on an otherwise innocuous second quarter drive to the basket.  The Heat do not repeat as champions, and Chris is traded in the offseason to Atlanta for Al Horford, but he learns a valuable lesson along the way, which is basically that Tyson Chandler takes his fouling over the line at times.  #Boshography   


6) Omg, omg, okay, okay, okay - I admit it.  It might not actually have been Conrad Bain (aka Mr. Drummond) whom I, M.Minutos, Great Friend of the Blog Plumber, and Mrs.Plumber saw at Fish Bar in Jamestown, Rhode Island this summer.  But if it wasn't him, it was clearly a hoax - that dude was definitely trying to convince us that he was Mr. Drummond.  I'm clearly the victim here, and I only kept perpetuating the lie that I had met him because I was embarrassed that I got fooled, and because I had a couple - okay, several - cucumber martinis that evening.  In any case, the real Mr. D died today, and I'll miss him.  He'll always be in my heart, but more importantly, in my desk at Dos Minutos International Headquarters, because a week after I was Teo'd by that impostor, GFOB Plumber went online, purchased an autographed Conrad Bain photo on EBay, and mailed it to me.  That sucker just tripled in value!  At least! Ch-ching!!!



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It's super-late.  Another super-late game tomorrow in Los Angeles against the Lakers, then like a week off.  I can't wait (for the week off)!  If you need me before tomorrow, I'll be scouring Macy's for an all-white denim outfit.  With Pete Pranica.  Holla!
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Jazz 104 Heat 97

6 Thoughts

1) Aren't all games in Utah crazy?  Holy mackerel, this game featured Miami playing hard but Utah shooting about 100% for three quarters and taking a 21 point lead; only for Utah to virtually collapse in the fourth quarter - couldn't make a shot, kept turning the ball over - and Miami clawing it all the way down to 2, with two of the big three on the bench.  Then, at the key juncture, Miami's biggest problem - their inability to control the defensive boards - popped up again, and Utah escaped with a win.  Also, two of Miami fans least favorite writers, Michael Wallace and Brian Windhorst, trolled all over the Heat, and a white dude got ejected for arguing with Dwyane Wade.  I mean, there was a lot going on.  Let's go!

2) First of all, for three quarters Miami got pretty good looks for good shooters, but couldn't knock anything down.  Meanwhile, Utah was getting difficult shots for bad shooters, and everything was going in.  One of the worst shooters in captivity, DeMare Carroll, came in off the bench knocking in bad jumpers off the dribble with the shot clock going off.  Utah shot 68% percent in the first half - and I thought Miami was playing pretty hard.  In the fourth quarter, Miami finally got stops by basically having KJ James guard everyone on Utah: he'd take Al Jefferson down on the block, deny the entry pass there for a while; then jam a drive; then steal a skip pass.  You know, he was doing KJ James things.  Meanwhile, on offense, a group around him consisting of Mario Chalmers, Ray Allen, an out-of-mothballs Rashard Lewis, and Joel Anthony started knocking down a couple of shots and clawing their way back in it, from down 21 all the way back to 2.  At a certain point, it was clear Coach Spo was going to ride this group out, that he wasn't going to reinsert Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.  Listen, it's not my preferred style.  Like, just because Rashard Lewis comes in and makes a couple of plays (and he was good tonight), doesn't mean that he is going to continue to play at a higher level than Chris Bosh.  In fact, over the long haul, I am certain he is not.  On the one hand, Lewis should have been gassed - he hasn't really played in like 6 weeks before a few minutes last game; on the other hand, he doesn't really run or jump, so how tired can he possibly get?  In any case, at a certain point, I'd send in Chris and Dwyane, because I know that's my best team.  But Spo didn't, and I respected the decision - he rode the hot group, and it came up a little short.  Any time you get down 21 on the road, you are probably going to come up a little short, no matter who you play.  One time, years ago, current Heat assistant and then-interim coach Ron Rothstein played a group of subs the entire fourth quarter and overtime, and the Heat lost when the group gassed.  I felt Rothstein didn't sub to "make a point."  I still despise him for it - it's not even your team, you're the interim coach, put in the starters, Dummy!  But Spo wasn't trying to make a point - he's not 14 years old, he doesn't need to "make a point" - he just did what he thought was best on this night.  The NBA is crazy, one game is a small sample size - anything can happen...

3) ...However, that didn't stop ESPN reporter Mike Wallace from trolling all over him.  He wondered on Twitter whether Coach Spo lost Dwyane Wade by "benching him."  Really?  They've been together for 10 years, won 2 titles, Dwyane brought KJ James and Chris Bosh here to play for him, and because Spo rode a hot hand on a random, meaningless game in Utah, Spo is "losing" Dwyane Wade?  Yep - that makes total sense.  Listen, the Lakers get the same thing, the Knicks get the same thing - they are the three most high-profile franchises in the league, by far, and anytime they do anything, there are so many writers who need to have something to say, that one of them is going to say something asinine.  There are too many guys covering the Heat just from ESPN alone - no other team has three writers from ESPN covering them full-time.  Michael Wallace has clearly never liked this group of players - he kind of always has a too-cool-for-school attitude about them, like an "if they get their act together, they're alright."  Okay!  Another of the Heat ESPN beat writers, Brian Windhorst, got into a Twitter argument with Heat owner Mickey Arison during the game!  First he complained about Dwyane and KJ pushing for fans to vote for Bosh to start the All-Star Game: "I respect LeBron and Wade for helping Bosh get votes for All-Star. But he's got 0 rebs in 16 mins & this has been going on all year."  Haaaa!  As long as you respect KJ and Dwyane, Brian Windhorst, that's the main thing, that's what is is important.  I am sure the respect is totally mutual!  This dude is always trying to troll up trouble with Heat fans - so good!  Apparently Mr. Arison defended Bosh by pointing out that he averages more rebounds per game than Kevin Garnett, the guy he trails in votes.  Unless I'm dreaming, Windhorst snarked back by pointing out KG averages more rebounds per minute.  I'm almost positive it was Windhorst, but it's not in his timeline any longer, so I think he deleted it!  He's arguing with Dwyane Wade, KJ James, and Mickey Arison about Chris Bosh's rebounding - on Twitter!  Haaaa!  Why don't you just go tell those dudes your problems with Chris Bosh to their faces?  You see them like 4 times a week!  By the way, Chris Bosh was the starting center on last season's NBA champions!  Last season!  When you are the Heat, or the Lakers, or the Knicks, this is what happens - the season is so long, and so boring for good teams, that writers need to generate their own material, create their own controversies.  Even when you win the championship, people still take shots at you!  This is partly what makes basketball fun - watching people who don't know it's for fun!  So great!

4) Play of the game: late in the third quarter, referee Courtney Kirkland blew his whistle, stopped the game, went over and got a ninety year old security woman, and had her eject a young, tattooed, sideways-hat wearing, whiggerish dude from the front row.  As he was reluctantly leaving, he started shouting at Dwyane Wade.  More dudes who don't know basketball is for fun!  Courtney Kirkland is black; Dwyane Wade is black; the ejected guy was a white dude from Utah - what are the chances the guy at least came close to using the "n-word?"  Ninety-nine percent?  One hundred percent?  Yeah, you're right, probably one hundred percent.  As always when you go to Utah, it's a victory just to get out alive.  Also, underrated part of the incident: Courtney Kirkland, who looks like he spends too much time in the gym, and not enough time thinking about what KJ James would have to do to get a foul call (pounded the paint all night, 13-19 from the floor, 32 points, shot only 4 free throws - the same number as skinny white Utah jump shooter Gordon Hayward) getting a senior citizen woman to do his dirty work.  Courtney Kirkland's not crazy, he knows better than to mess with white people in Utah.  #Django

5) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa- are you trying to tell me that Antoine Walker has taken the most threes ever in an NBA game without a make?

Most 3-point field goals attempted in a game, none made
·11 by Antoine Walker, Boston Celtics (vs. Philadelphia 76ers) on December 17, 2001

6) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa - are you trying to me that Jodie Foster was in the closet?
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Well, we are through 4 out of 6 games on this West Coast swing, but the killer is still ahead: back-to-back 10:30 pm starts Wednesday and Thursday (at Golden State, at Lakers).  If you need me before Wednesday, I'll be fiercely debating with Brian Windhorst whether Barack Obama will get re-elected for a second term!  See you Wednesday!
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Heat 128 Kings 99

6 Thoughts

1) Rio?  Three-o!!!  Mario Chalmers, tying a Miami Heat franchise record with 10 - ten - three pointers, as Miami rolled in, very possibly, the Heat's last ever visit to Sacramento!  Don't hurt 'em, Emcee, goodness gracious!  On this night, more than any other: Let it Fly!!!

2) More Rio: this game was a laugher, it was never in doubt.  Anytime you get behind the Heat 14-2 before most fans even get into their seats, and Mario Chalmers has 10 of those points, and three of them came on a play when he "led" a 3-1 break with Dwyane Wade and KJ James, threw an errant bounce pass to Dwyane, recovered the loose ball, dribbled back out to the three point line, turned about, and nailed a bomb, it's going to be a long night for you.  And especially if you are the Sacramento Kings.  Emcee had 13 in the first quarter, 19 at halftime (and just missed a halfcourt runner at the buzzer), and pushed the Heat out to a 38 point lead in the third.  With Rio sitting on 8 triples, Coach Spo put him back in midway through the fourth quarter to give him a chance to break the record.  After a long hold-stare-shoot iso for his ninth triple, Rio came down the court with the ball and about three minutes to go, took one crossover dribble to his left, and drained a 26 footer to tie the record, as the bench exploded in laughter.  Not laughing: Coach Spo, who tried to calm Dwyane Wade and KJ James down on the bench, then had an aggravated look as he lectured Chalmers, as Chalmers gave him his signature arms-open-at-his-sides "what, me?" look.  Then Spo took him out.  Career-high 34 for Almario Vernard on 12-16 (and 10-13 threes)!  Ahhh, Spo - as someone pointed out on Twitter, Spo can be a little bit of a stick in the mud sometimes, a little bit of a party pooper, even though we all love him.  Basketball is for fun, Spo.  We are not the Chicago Bulls or Indiana Pacers.  Basketball is for fun.

3) Play of the game, runner up: in the second quarter, Dwyane Wade got isolated out on the wing against insane Kings big man DeMarcus Cousins.  Moments after I started to say, "there's a seventy percent chan-" Dwyane okey doked Cousins into the air 20 feet from the hoop and drew a foul, "-chance this ends up in a foul."  Okey dokes were created for dudes like DeMarcus Cousins.  And I clearly started the line before Dwyane started the move - that's a continuation for me, there's continuation in the NBA!  And one...for me!!!

4) Play of the game, winner: when Tyreke Evans, who couldn't be a worse, or more depressing, ballplayer, drove middle late in the fourth quarter, got his runner blocked by Heat 10 day-signee Jarvis Varnado, but the refs called a foul, and in the quiet that followed, the one loud Heat fan in Sacramento sitting directly behind Eric and Tony screamed, "Hey, Tyreke: YOU SUCK!"  And then was promptly ejected.  Really?  For pointing out Tyreke Evans sucks?  Is that still a debate?  In any case, it was the capper, the "coup de grace," if you will, to quite possibly Eric and Tony's last trip ever to Sacramento, a city they have hated over the years unlike any other (Kings may be sold and moved to Seattle next year).  For the two most relentlessly positive humans in captivity, Sacramento is their kryptonite: they complain there is nothing to do there, they don't like the broadcast setup, they don't like loud fans screaming that Tyreke Evans sucks - one year Eric complained that he was awakened way too early by a marathon being run directly outside his hotel window!  But in this, their last trip there, they took the high road and waxed rhapsodic about Sactown.  "We don't want to see this city lose their team," Eric lied, "it is a very pretty city."  Translation: "if someone took you to Hell, and then once you were in Hell, your wife left you for Satan, you developed permanent conjunctivitis, and the local basketball franchise drafted Rajon Rondo, you would still be a half-day's journey from Sacramento!"

5) New free throw watching technique: I stare at the rim, instead of the shooter, trying to inspire the focus on the basket that the shooter needs to make the shot.  I developed this earlier in the day when Ryan Boatright of the University of Connecticut had to make 4 straight huge free throws to lead the Huskies past Notre Dame.  This is just another in a long line of free throw techniques we've used over the years in Casa Minutos.  Last season, after a Tom Haberstroh article explained a piece of equipment the Heat (and some other NBA teams) use to measure the degree of arc on an individual's free throws, we generally have said, "45" each time Dwyane or LeBron shoots a freebie (that's their correct degree of arc).  But, I mean, obviously, there's an art to it, you can't just say it whenever, duhhh - that's not going to help.  You have to say it just about the time the player has the ball fully cocked above his head, just before he starts forward to release it (that's what she said).  Too early, or too late, and you may do more damage than good.  And don't use it for good free throw shooters like Chalmers or Bosh - you're only breaking their natural rhythm.  We've also used a variety of techniques to jinx opposing shooters over the years, most notably the reverse jinx, which starts the moments a dude gets fouled: "oh, no - this guy's a tremendous free throw shooter.  I mean, his stroke is like butter, it's like he's tossing cotton balls up there.  I mean, he couldn't miss this free throw if he was tryi- ohhhhhh!!!!"  How did it work out in tonight's game?  Well, early in the game the team was making its free throws but I couldn't see the rim because Sunsports loves to show the free throws on its patented "crotch cam" from floor level on the baseline.  So frustrating - we also missed possibly the dunk of the year when Wade got out in transition with KJ, and Sunsports went to crotch-cam just as Wade threw him an alley-oop that KJ reverse-slammed home.  Why that ever seems like a good idea to the director of the Heat broadcasts is totally beyond me - save that angle for the replay, don't jump-cut in the middle of a runout to an angle from which we can't see the dunk.  Can't Mr. Arison do anything about this?  It's the one complaint I have about Sunsports - love the dudes, love the effort everyone puts into entertaining us - games are so much better on tv than live - but hate, hate, hate the crotch-cam jump-cuts.  Anyways, in the second half, with Chalmers throwing daggers from all over the court, I forgot to stare at the rim.  But overall, the free throw shooting was good - 21-24 - so I like to think I had a positive impact.

6) Couldn't sleep last night.  Spent a few minutes learning the riff to The Replacements' classic jam "Can't Hardly Wait."  I mean, it's one of the greatest little rock songs ever, you might as well have an idea how to play it.  Since I love, love, LOVE, The Replacements, I then got sucked into a documentary film about them on Youtube named "Color Me Obsessed."  Note: if you don't know who The Replacements are, they were a shambolic, punkish rock band from Minnesota in the 80s.  They never really sold a lot of albums, but you would probably know some of their songs from movies - they tend to turn up in hipster films made by John Cusack, or early Cameron Crowe, or both.  So I start watching this movie, and it's all just interviews with rock critics, and dudes and gals from the Minnesota scene at that time (Husker Du, Babes in Toyland, etc), fans, and Tom Arnold (I crap you not - it was unclear why he was in there).  It's beautifully shot, every interview seems to be done in a modern-ish, hipster, pseudo-cabin out in nature in Minnesota.  But, like, ten minutes into the movie there hadn't been an interview with any of The Replacements (one's dead), or any concert footage, or even any of their music in the background.  Then twenty minutes.  Then I became engrossed in sticking the film out to see whether there would ever be an actual Replacement, or a song, or a clip, or a photo, or anything.  Two hours later: nope.  The imdb description of the film said that the filmmaker "bravely eschewed" including any actual Replacements music or interviews.  And by "bravely eschewed," I assume he means, "he could not get the rights to anything Replacements-related."  I wouldn't say I would recommend this film, since I already ruined the ending, and there's nothing actually "Replacements" in it.  Goodness.  It's also superhard to find any Replacements videos online - they were kind of pre-video era, and they didn't last that long.  Still, for you kids out there, or for music-lovers of all ages, any Replacements album is worth buying - they are one of the all-time great American bands.  Here's a more recent clip of their lead singer, Paul Westerberg, singing one of their most famous songs.  Don't spend two hours on the movie, just spend three minutes on this:


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Well, we're halfway through the long, late-night West Coast trip.  Next game is Tuesday in Utah, the scariest arena in the NBA - them white folks are mean!  If you need me before then, I'll be re-cutting the movie Star Wars to not include Luke Skywalker or Han Solo.  Think I can make the original better!  See you Tuesday, get some sleep!
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Blazers 92 Heat 90

6 Thoughts

1) Man, that's a disappointing loss.  To go out on the west coast, play with energy, lead the whole way, and then lose right at the end, that's disappointing.  To hold a playoff team under 40% from the floor for the second straight game - but lose both - that's disappointing.  To have your All-Star power forward call out the team's design after the last loss, then back up all his words in this game, only for the other two All-Stars to not make sure he got fed all second half, that's disappointing.  Finally, to have Wesley Matthews make back-to-back triples in the waning moments, while Ray Allen and Mario Chalmers missed back-to-back triples to win the game, that's super-disappointing.  Always a make-or-miss league.  Always.  Let's go!

2) The game kind of broke down like this: every time Chris Bosh touched the ball, he scored, or created a wide open shot for someone else to score.  He also played with energy on the defensive end.  He scored 29 on 13-18, held LaMarcus Aldridge to a 6-19, and blocked 4 shots.  He only had 4 rebounds, but rebounding was even tonight - everyone contributed: Mike Mil-lar, Joel Anthony, and Ray Allen combined for 17 boards off the bench.  After the Indiana loss, Bosh criticized Spo's "Pace and Space" attack - his bitching essentially boiled down to "I hate being the only big on the floor, and then getting all the criticism when we get out rebounded."  Tonight, Miami went to him early, especially down low, and he took everyone Portland threw at him apart.  But in the second half, they drifted away from him - so many plays he stood at the elbow while KJ James or Dwyane Wade dribbled the shot clock too low in the possession, and ended up with rushed looks.  KJ and Dwyane aren't selfish players, and maybe Chris has to be more demonstrative in demanding the ball.  In any case, it was a night where everything should have gone through him.  He had it going, and KJ and Dwyane didn't.  I feel like Bosh has been under-utilized all year - as he once famously said (on a west coast trip two years ago), he needs to touch it where big men like to touch it.  One, as always, ewwwww!  Two, he's right!

3) KJ - okay, I think it is fair to say he's a little banged up.  He got punked a little by Paul George last game, and he got punked a little by Nicolas Batum tonight.  Only 15 points for KJ on 6-16.  To be fair, he had 10 rebounds and 9 assists - for him, a bad game is still a pretty good game.  But he was indecisive down the stretch, and was not quick defensively.  He's banged up the ankles pretty good the last couple of weeks, looks like it's catching up with him a little.  His consecutive 20 point game streak is over at 54.  That was pretty amazing to watch.  At least the pressure is off Heat play-by-play announcer Eric Reid, who willed that streak into continuing more than once.  Gang, all we can do now is hope KJ starts a new streak.  Kaboom!

4) Udonis Haslem, we've established that he's lost the ability to shoot, and to catch the ball.  He generally doesn't even try to catch balls in traffic anymore, he just bats at them with one hand, which is especially awkward when it's a pass, not a rebound!  Tonight on two different occasions he had plays where it was virtually impossible for him not to get the offensive rebound, but instead of catching the ball, he batted it up into the bottom side of the rim.  He's also been adding a new trick to his repertoire: running into guys driving to the basket.  He doesn't - can't - jump to contest the shot on the ball, and he doesn't wrap up the driver's arms to prevent a three point play.  He just runs into the guy as he's shooting.  Sometimes the ball goes in for a three point play, sometimes the collision is violent enough to force a miss, and it's just two free throws.  It can be, ummm, a little frustrating to watch.  #Birdman

5) Been thinking about iconic NBA moments lately...He's a big gasbag now, so it's easy to forget that Shaq was once a lovable man-child who got the same criticism that KJ James received before last year: "he's a great player, but he can't win the title..."  After his move to L.A. to team with Kobe Bryant, and the hiring of Phil Jackson before, I believe, his third season, it looked like Shaq was going to lose another chance at glory.  After leading 3-1 in the Western Conference Finals against Portland, the Lakers lost Game 5 at home, and Game 6 in Portland, and got down 16 in the second half in Game 7 back in L.A.  But they ground back and ground back, and finally overtook the Trailblazers late in the game.  Up 4 with under a minute to go, and the Blazers needing a stop to stay in the game, the Lakers turned Kobe loose at the top of the key.  That's Shaq on the right side of the lane, with future Heat player Brian Grant guarding him (and Rasheed Wallace just a bit too late on the weak side rotation!).  Shaq's sprint back down the court, fingers pointing at the fans, and a frenzied ecstasy on his face, that's the stuff of legend, man, that stays with you.  You don't have to be a Lakers fan or a Shaq fan, or even a basketball fan, to appreciate that - just a fan of life.  It's only like two seconds of running, but I bet when he thinks about it on the right night, Shaq can live in that moment forever...It's funny, I don't remember even one in-game moment featuring Shaq in the 2006 Finals - it's a jumble of Wade, Udonis, Zo, and J-Will for me - but I'll never forget this:


6) It's been a minute since we checked in on Great Friend of the Blog Snets.  Wonder what he's been up to?  Oh, what a coincidence, he just emailed me:

I asked Siri what she thought of blackberry phones – her response – I think therefore I am – but let’s not put Descartes before the horse – actually pretty funny!

What the?......I shudder at the thought of Snets sitting around the house alone, cackling at phone-jokes, and asking it for weather reports.  Holy John Malkovich, Snet's band needs to get out on the road a little more often!  Step away from the phone, Snets; STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE!!!...That was scary...
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Well, this is the beginning of a week of hell.  Not for the team - it's actually like 6 months of hell for them, 82 meaningless games until the playoffs start.  I mean for me and this blog: 5 straight late-start west coast games.  It ends next Thursday.  Next game is Saturday in - oh no! -  SACRAMENTO!  Eric Reid and Tony Fiorentino HATE Sacramento!  If they were dropped into the very bowels of hell itself, they'd still be 45 miles outside of Sacramento!  If you need me before Saturday, I'll be asking my phone why Chris Bosh doesn't get to touch it where big men like to touch it!  See you late on Saturday!
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Pacers 87 Heat 77

6 Thoughts

1) That was unbelievable, and I don't mean in a good way.  Out of 82 games, some are going to be dullfests.  I mean, that was unwatchable.  The Pacers slowed the game to a crawl; watched everyone on Miami miss every jump shot they took all night - except, ironically, Dwyane Wade; missed every shot they took all night; but kept batting the ball at the rim until it went in.  This wasn't exactly "Showtime" by these two teams.  Not sure this was exactly what Dr. Naismith had in mind when he invented basketball a hundred years or so ago.  Had he envisioned this ballgame, he might never have bothered...let's just get it over with, let's go...blahhhhh...

2) Honestly?  Maybe the Pacers are the second best team in the East.  Miami is easily the best, I still haven't seen any East team do anything all season that makes me think it can beat Miami 4 out of 7.  Depending on who is playing well, various teams are going to look like the second best at different times.  Chicago looks tough if Rose gets back - they are clearly the second best team if that happens; Brooklyn is playing well since they waxed Avery Johnson; Boston just went on the road and won a couple of tough games to stay up in the playoff hunt.  Knicks are falling back to earth a bit.  But Indiana is long, they are physical, they defend super-hard, and they rebound.  However, they can not shoot.  At all.  They finished the game at 36% from the floor, and a lot of those misses were two-footers that they missed as they smacked the ball around the rim.  On the one hand, it's a brutal style to watch - I can't imagine being a Pacers fan and having to watch that 82 games a year.  They do know basketball is for fun, right?  On the other hand, defense and rebounding always translates - you can always do it, even on a night when your shot isn't dropping.  Overall?  I don't know.  Just, please, for the love of God, don't make me watch them again for a while.

3) Okay, we have to talk about it.  Miami got killed on the glass.  I mean, annihilated.  Some times that happens, and it doesn't matter at all - raw rebounding totals don't mean much, they don't correlate with winning necessarily.  But on a night when the other team can't make a basket, you'd probably like to hold them to less than 22 offensive rebounds - it virtually seemed like the only way Indiana scored all night was on the third shot of a possession when Miami simply got tired of defending.  Just as damaging: against an excellent defensive team like Indiana (by most ranking systems, the NBA's best right now), you need to get out and create early offense, especially a team like Miami that is so good at transition.  You can't do that if you never get a rebound.  So tonight it was a big problem, and it has already been a meme for weeks, and the chatter is only going to get louder now.  Miami is gonna sign Jarvis Varnado, a lanky 6'10" jumping jack whom they drafted in the second round a couple of years ago.  You think he is going to come in and be Wes Unseld?  Unlikely.  They also reportedly looked at Chris "The Birdman" Anderson today - he may not come in and be Wes Unseld either, but on a night like tonight, at least he would have been interesting to look at, and I've been praying we get him all year, love that kid! SIGN HIM UP!  If the Heat does sign him, M.Minutos may move out - I already randomly shout out "Bird-man, drive a red Range!" upwards of twenty times a day, and he isn't even on our team yet!  Shall we use another "overall?"  Yes, let's use another "overall."  Overall, Coach Spo keeps saying that the guys already on the team can rebound enough to win a championship. and he's probably right.  You know how he and I know that?  Because this same group rebounded enough last year to win a championship!  Pretty easily, too, by the way!  Jiminy Cricket, people, if you can't tell when a team is on "coast mode," I don't know what to tell you.  OKC lost last night to Washington, you think people in OKC are panicking?  Actually, yes, probably they are - never going to lose money betting on "fans over-reacting to regular season wins and losses."

4) We always praise KJ James, so tonight we have to man up: Paul George outplayed him.  Hey, there are 82 games, sometimes even KJ James is going to be outplayed.  KJ sprained his ankle last game, maybe he wasn't feeling great, or maybe the other guy just took it to him.  KJ wasn't terrible, he scored 22 on 10-20, and had 10 rebounds.  Frankly, if he didn't get a defensive rebound, Miami didn't get a defensive rebound - he was the only guy who really competed at all on the defensive glass.  But he also turned it over 7 times, a lot of them kind of unforced, and Paul George scored 29 with 11 rebounds, but now that I look at it, he shot 12-27 from the floor (for the Pacers, though, that's Steve Kerr-like).  I thought he was the aggressor of the two.  Shall we just say it was a draw?  Naw - I'm gonna say Paul George outplayed him.  He's only 22, that kid is serious.  That was well-written!

5) This blog sucks tonight, I'm struggling, just like the Heat - the game was boring, nothing I can do is going to liven it up.  How about this: quick, how many career triples do you think Udonis Haslem has made?  Answer: 0.  He's 0-14 in his career.  Hasn't even tried one since 2007.  He's taken over 5,000 shots in his career, only 14 were triples, and none went in.  Hmmm. Super-interesting, right?  By the way, he's terrible right now.  I love UD, but even though his rebounding rate is reasonably impressive, it's partially because he plays with bigs who don't rebound much, either; he can't make a shot; and his defense is a step slow.  He's also lost his ability to catch the ball in traffic, and he's 32.  He's not an NBA-level rotation player right now, and he probably never will be again.  Remember when I said Jarvis Varnado and Chris Anderson weren't Wes Unseld?  They don't have to be to help Miami right now - they only have to be able to outplay UD.  That kills me to say, but there's no sense lying about it.  Along with Dwyane and me, UD has brought Miami two titles - he's got nothing to hang his head about. 

6) OMG.  That was creepy.  One day later?  One day later?  #FrameUp

"Andray Blatche was Nets player questioned in sexual assault investigation, according to report"
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Sorry my blog stunk tonight.  I'm sure the writer of "Yee-haw Pacers!" smoked me.  I'm like Miami and OKC - in full coast mode!  Our next game is Thursday in Portland, I'll try to pick it up for that one.  If you need me before then, I will be staying away - far away - from Humphries Park in Venice, Florida.  Oh, and I'll also be staying far, far away from Kris Humphries.  And Andray Blatche!  Goodness, what a pair of teammates!  See you Thursday!
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Heat 99 Wizards 71

6 Thoughts

1) I missed most of Friday's loss against the Bulls, I was out of town on the west coast of Florida visiting my 101 year old GrampsMinutos.  Just for the record, the Heat are now 0-1 this season, #WithoutDos.  Bounced back against the Wizards tonight.  Washington is terrible, but at least they're banged up and missing a few of their guys!  Goodness gracious - they can't score!  It's Kids Day on Sunsports: let it fly!

2) Today was Heat mascot Burnie's birthday - don't even ask, it's embarrassing - and the Heat organization takes this day each year to have kids come in and help with the broadcast, aka "Heat play-by-play-announcer-super-serious-Eric Reid's-worst-nightmare."  Ahhh, just kidding, Eric is super-nice, although every time this kid Tyler, who was helping him and Tony call the game in the second quarter, would get off on a tangent and not mention who scored a basket, Eric would quietly interrupt with a "Bradley Beal..." ".....Dwyane Wade...."  Hey, there's a certain standard that must be maintained, even under these trying conditions.  As readers of this blog know, my son O.Minutos is tight with Eric, and Eric is actually enthusiastic about Kids Day, although I feel obliged to mention that for Memphis Grizzlies Kids Day each year, Memphis Grizzlies play-by-play announcer Pete Pranica moves the kid announcer into his house for about a month, and drills with him day-after-day just to make sure the kid really gains some valuable broadcasting chops from the experience.  Such a pro that guy...Also worth mentioning: Jax's kids, extremely handsome and personable, and his older son responded to a Chris Bosh answer to one of his post-game questions with "thank you, Chris Bosh."  So professional.  I'd like to see Jax take his job that seriously.

3) Speaking of Chris Bosh, what the heck got into him?  He bounced back from a few desultory efforts on the defensive end and the boards with 9 rebounds and 4 blocks, and some excellent defensive play.  In fairness, the Wizards did miss a lot of shots - a lot - but, still, someone had to grab their wild caroms.  During one stretch he ran back as fast as he could, which is about medium fast for a big guy, and fouled Martell Webster hard at the rim to foil one fast break, then cleanly blocked an aggressive Martell Webster drive to the basket.  We've finally found the one guy who gets Chris Bosh fired up, and it's NBA journeyman Martell Webster!  Chris is always good on offense - 17 more points on only 11 shots.  That's too typical.  I know it's a position-less, "opportunity" offense, and they are the second or third most efficient scorers in the league, but I still think they should feed that kid more - 11 shots is not enough.  I have to believe it would keep him a little more engaged on the glass and the defensive end over the 82 game slog, to the degree that it matters, which is not much.  Still, I feel like he's earned it - he helped win a title with his defense and rebounding, he was great in the Finals.  But what he does is takes dudes apart.  Give him a little opportunity to do that.  In the post-game press conference, Coach Spo revealed that he had reminded Chris that he needs to rebound, and that he was pleased with the night's results.  A reporter asked if it was unusual to have to remind a guy to rebound.  "No," said Spo.  Okay!!!

4) Play of the game: in the fourth quarter, Walter Ray Allen, who had an efficient 20 points on 12 shots (and his wing buddy Mike Mil-lar had 13 on only 5), came steaming down court in transition a step ahead of Wizard Bradley Beal.  Ray was in the right lane, and Dwyane was coming hard down the left lane but a couple of steps behind, and KJ James (extended his 20 point game streak to like 1000) was trailing over Ray's right shoulder, with Beal tracking Ray on his left shoulder.  Ray slowed down a bit and kept looking back - he couldn't really get the ball to KJ because it was an awkward angle, and he kept looking over his left shoulder to try to get the ball to Dwyane, but Beal was in between.  Finally, with all four of them nearing the basket, Beal leaped at Ray anticipating the back pass to Dwyane just as Ray decided to extend the ball up to the rim - he dropped the ball through as Beal crashed into him, three point play!  Dwyane and KJ hauled him to his feet, all three of them laughing.  Old Man Ray just keeps rolling - he doesn't need those two young bucks to finish his play for him!  He's been in this league a minute or two!

5) I saw this while I was away this weekend in a very rough section of the coast in Venice, Florida, just shy of the jetty with all of the yachts, and around the corner from the Crow's Nest, home of the world's best clam chowder (according to 93 year old GramsMinutos).  Ladies, I can't emphasize this enough: don't get caught in this part of town alone, especially after dark.  I don't care what anybody says to you, I don't care if a local you trust offers to take you through, don't do it, just stay out.  #TheHumanDateRape



6) Late last week, the day of the Heat-Mavericks game, I was listening to an interview of former NBA point guard (and West Palm Beach native) Derrick Harper.  The interviewer asked him if, when he was playing, a loss on an otherwise festive day - Christmas, a birthday, etc. - would ruin that day for him, or if he was able to shake off a loss and enjoy the rest of the day.  "Well, Christmas could never be ruined no matter what because that's Jesus' birthday," he answered.  Wait - I'm half-Jewish, and only half-Christian, and my house was not religious growing up.  You mean to tell me that Jesus was born on Christmas?  Holy mackerel, what were the odds of that!?!  I mean, yes, I know God can control whatever He wants to, and He could will Jesus to be born on Christmas, but that's still pretty amazing, that is an incredible coincidence!  Next year, there's gonna be an extra reason to celebrate Christmas in the Minutos household...
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Well, the team is going on the road for a very tough road trip starting Tuesday - a lot of West Coast late night games over the next week and a half.  Like most West Coast road trips, I don't care if the Heat win; I don't care if the Heat lose.  All I want is for the road trip to be over, so I can get some sleep.  If you need me before Tuesday, I'll be googling "Famous Events on Easter."  I'll let you know if I come up with anything. 
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Heat 119 Dallas 109 ot

6 Thoughts

1) One of the best things about this Heat team: they never think they are going to lose a game.  For three and a half quarters, this can be maddening when they don't defend quite as conscientiously as they should, or box out rebounders, or they commit loose turnovers, or take bad shots.  But when they're down 6 with two minutes to go, like tonight, some teams would pack their tents - not Miami.  They seem to focus more - KJ James gets to the rim, or finds a shooter for a triple, or Bosh makes a jumpshot, or Ray Allen deflects a pass, and they somehow win.  Sometimes I think they are going to lose; but they never think they are going to lose.  Someone always makes a play...

2)...and tonight it was Dwyane Wade - twice.  With under a minute to go, and Dallas up 3 with the ball, Dirk Nowitzki was trying to back down KJ James when Dwyane Wade snuck in from behind, ripped the ball out of his hands, got out in transition, and dropped a pass on Ray Allen for a layup to cut the lead to 1.  In overtime (after a late 4q Battier triple got Miami to ot, and an early ot Battier triple gave them the lead - his only two buckets), with the Mavs down 5 and needing a hoop to stay in it, Vince Carter went down in the corner, then tried to throw an overhand baseball pass back up to the top of the key for an open triple...except Wade saw the pass coming, rotated justintime, tipped the ball back upcourt, chased it down, and slammed for a 7 point lead: ballgame!   Second straight game he won with steals - as much as KJ is the rock (32 pts, 12 rebs, 9 asst - are you serious with this kid?), Dwyane often makes the most dramatic plays, at both ends.  He looked bouncy all night: 10 rebounds to go with his 27 points, 2 blocks, and the two game-winning steals.  He's kind of looking a lot like Dwyane Wade right now.

3) Guess which NBA player played in the most games during the calendar year 2012?  Here's a hint: he's also People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive from Alaska (second pace: Levi Johnston; third place: nobody, ever).  That's right: Almario Vernard Chalmers!  Emcee played in 112 games - according to Heat beat writer Tim Reynolds, that's an all-time record.  Kids, take note: you can't get injured and miss games if you don't run or jump!...Rio also set the record for "Most Errant Alley-oop Passes Thrown in a Calendar Year" with "how many did he try? - that many."  He was able to complete a simple little transition pass to KJ James for a third quarter layup, and Heat broadcaster Tony Fiorentino chortled, "it may look easy to throw a fastbreak pass to KJ James, but it's not."  Actually, it kind of is easy but, you know, whatever.

4) Dallas' two biggest strengths: one, fouling.  Chris Kaman is like a lumberjack combined with a defensive tackle in the middle for Dallas - he committed 5 (called) rough fouls in 28 minutes.  That's solid fouling production right there, but a lot of teams might fall off, foul-wise, when they go their bench.  Not Dallas because they kept replacing Kaman with Elton Brand.  Brand is like a FedEx mailbox nailed to the painted area on the floor, except if the FedEx mailbox had two tree trunks it could swing around to whack people with.  Jesus-to-Betsy is he an awful basketball player.  He tacked on 3 more almost-over-the-line fouls in 17 minutes, giving Dallas' two bigs 8 for the night.  Strength # 2: calling timeouts.  Every time Miami scored two hoops in a row, Dallas coach Rick Carlisle called a timeout to slow their roll - I don't know how many timeouts they started the game with, but through 3 quarters, they had already called 14, by my count, and ran out before the final minute of the game.  At one point they called a timeout, the camera swung on to an afro'ed Drake sitting next to the Heat bench, and I'm positive I saw him mutter, "Man, how many timeouts do they get?"  By the way, after the game, big hug between Drake and de-rotationed Heat forward Rashard Lewis.  That makes total sense.

5) Look: It's O.Minutos with Miami Heat play-by-play broadcaster Eric Reid!



What the?  I had no idea that my son O.Minutos and Eric Reid were friends, O.Minutos never said a word to me about it!  This is bananas!...just kidding - saw Mr. Reid at a Florida Atlantic University basketball game New Years Day (Greg Gantt, boy!).  He couldn't have been nicer to O.Minutos, shook his hand, gave him a few kind words of advice ("kid, always close out on shooters under control"), and showed off his championship ring.  And, yes, O.Minutos watches a ton of Heat basketball, he absolutely knew who Eric Reid was, though he was disappointed that Jax was not there.  Eric did not accommodate my request to "give us one 'kaboom-town,'" but I can confirm that he was very fit-looking and handsome in person.  I actually thought he was a shade less fit and handsome than Memphis Grizzlies announcer Pete Pranica but, frankly, who isn't?

6) So at Dos Minutos International Headquarters, part of our office is a store-front in an outside mall - The Captain and I can both see the street from our work quarters, and in front of our office we have a sign hanging down.  All the store fronts do, you know, like a sign with the name right on it: "Dos Minutos Int'l HQs."  Eye-catching, we get a lot of walk-in traffic for the blog from that sign.  So today, we are sitting there, and some teenager comes walking by wearing a bright green Rajon Rondo jersey.  As I gasped in horror, just from seeing the shirt, the kid walks up to the Dos M. sign hanging down, and whacks it, causing it to swing violently on its chains - the exact same thing the real Raon Rondo would have done if he were outside on our sidewalk!  Sacre Bleu!  So I'm like, "Call the cops, call the cops!"  I didn't know what the kid was going to do - he was wearing a Rajon Rondo jersey, for goodness sake, his judgement is totally impaired, obviously.  But The Captain goes running out the door, and he says to the kid, "Hey - that's our sign," and the kid is like, "who are you, the sign police?" and The Captain is like,"No - I'm The Captain."  And the kid pauses, and then he looks up at the sign, and then at The Captain, and then up at the sign again, which had finally stopped swinging back and forth.  Then he smirks at The Captain with a degree of derision I've rarely seen on a human face (save for Russell Westbrook's), winds up, whacks the sign again, and runs away, but not before he looks back and calls out over his shoulder "hashtag: doucheball!"  First Kevin Garnett invades O.Minutos' dreams, and now Rajon Rondo is haunting my office.  Wow - Happy New Year to us at Dos Minutos!
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The next game is Friday against the Chicago Bulls.  I may miss all or part of that game - not sure.  If there's no blog Saturday, I'm sure everyone will live.  Heading out of town for a few days with O.Minutos and Eric Reid - going to Talladega to watch the big race.  Snets has always done a great job filling in in the past, but I know it's a pain to do, so I'm not gonna ask him - you're off the hook, Snets.  I'll definitely be back for Sunday against Washington, so you'll hear from me at some point this weekend.  If you need me before then, I'll be working on the 16 bars I'm getting on the first single from the upcoming Drake-Rashard Lewis cd "Watch the Throne...From the Bench!"  Drizzy, up in this place, was' hahennin'?!!!
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