Magic 104 Heat 98 ot

6 Thoughts

1) Bad.  That was bad.  Everything about it was bad.  Both teams were bad.  Our coach was bad.  The refs were bad.  Predictably, the game went to overtime, so everyone had to suffer another five minutes.  The game's nadir was reached late in overtime when, up 4, Dwight Howard missed 2 consecutive free throws (a mind-boggling 6-18 on the night, which allowed Miami to hang around), the second barely grazing the front iron, and then Miami, desperately needing a quick hoop, jogged it down to the other end at half-speed where Dwyane Wade completely whiffed a triple.  Bad.  I am sure there were worse games to watch this year, but my memory is also so bad that I can't remember them.  Well, if form holds, this post will suck!  Let's go!

2) We say all the time that KJ James doesn't have bad games, but even he couldn't escape this one.  Sleepwalked through a 7-20 for 19 points.  He did have 11 rebounds and 8 assists, but he really wasn't aggressive at all - kept declining to drive against Hedo Turkoglu, even though I am pretty sure he couldn't hold O.Minutos off the dribble.  KJ was bad.  He's entitled once in a while.  Dwyane was also pretty low energy.  He scored 28, but took 22 shots, and wasn't his normal dynamic self.  Also made a poor decision, I thought, on the last possession of regulation, tied, by stepping back into a contested 20 footer against JJ Redick.  It's the same shot he made last game against Indiana to win, but it's still a lazy play.  It's a Kobe Bryant hero ball play - look at Kobe's late game shooting numbers sometime.  They're putrid.  If this was a real blog, I'd look them up for you, but it isn't, and I won't...

3) I'm not going to say the refs, specifically crew chief Ed Malloy were worse than KJ and Dwyane, but they were probably equally as bad.  Miami shot no free throws in the entire second half and overtime.  I'll be fair - they weren't attacking (except for Chris Bosh's dunk on Dwight Howard!).  But, still, when the other team shoots 34 free throws for the game, and you shoot 11, and none of them come in the second half, that is disappointing.  Ed Malloy's nadir also came late in overtime when he bizarrely waved off a Chris Bosh 3 point play which would have put Miami up 1 (and been our only free throw of the half!), gave Miami the ball on the side, KJ went to the rim, got hammered, didn't get a call even though everyone on the court stopped and Jameer Nelson went in for a layup to go up 4, and then Miami came back down and Malloy called an off-the-ball offensive foul on Emcee Chalmers, which would have effectively ended the game if Dwight Howard hadn't continued to miss free throws.  I guess Ed Malloy is entitled once in a while, too.

4) Coach Spo ordered a Hack-a-Dwight with just over two minutes to go in the fourth quarter - obviously, those were the two in a row that he nailed.  I'm not going to go on a rant - Spo's entitled to a soft moment, too - but, please, let's never do that again.  That is the way bad teams play.  We can get a stop, trust me.  You know who didn't have a bad moment?  Coach Stan Van Gundy!  Love that man!  I think he gets more out of this team than any other coach gets out of his talent on any other team.  They play beautifully, even if they are not incredibly athletic...More importantly, he loves the High-Arm Fold, like in the picture below.  I went to it in the second quarter - kept waiting for M.Minutos to look over, but she didn't, and  my triceps were starting to cramp, so I finally broke down and had to tell her to look.  "I couldn't wait any longer because it hurts," I lamented.  "You need that roll of fat to rest them on," she observed.  Solid point.  If Spo (who is best friends with Stan Van - served as his assistant when SVG was here) ever goes Hack-a-Anybody again, we're bringing back Stan the Van.

5) Wait- Dwight Howard is still on this team?  You have to be kidding me.  I don't know what's sadder: how long this has dragged out for, or that I have miscalculated the trade deadline three different times this season!  Every time we play Orlando, I have assumed that it was the last time we play them with Howard there.  The trade deadline is Thursday; we play them again Sunday.  There's no way he will still be on the team Sunday - he will be traded to New Jersey before then.  This time I know I'm right!  Though it would be superfunny if after tonight Orlando was like, "Heyyy, we just beat Miami - we could really win this thing!  Let's keep him and see what happens," and then he leaves in the offseason and they get nothing.  By the way, that scenario would be a thousand times less funny if he stayed and they actually beat us in the playoffs...As far as Howard forcing his way out of Orlando, I wholeheartedly support that.  Reports this week - probably the first reliable and believable reports of the whole saga - surfaced that he really wants to play in Miami (duh), but there's no way we can part with the Human Statue, Chris Bosh, for him.  He's going to have to go to New Jersey.  Let's try one more time to illustrate why he should want to leave Orlando, we tried to explain it before, but I'm not sure you've totally got it yet: Orlando Jones, the actor > Orlando, the city.  You know, this joker:

Got it now?  I don't know how I can be any more clear!

6) Okay, okay - I had to go get an EKG a couple of weeks ago.  Don't worry, I'm fine, thanks for your concern.  If you don't believe me, for you EKG-fanatics, check out the results below.  More importantly, I know it is tough to make out, but enlarge it if you have to: see the doctor who gave me the EKG?  Dr. Weitman!  Yes - the White Man!  Listen, I'm a white man - when I am dealing with a potentially serious medical issue, I go as white as I can, because I know he will be sympathetic to my specific medical needs.  And it doesn't get any whiter than this!  Dr. White Man read the EKG and told me I am white as rain!  Holla!

---

Back tomorrow night in Chicago.  If you need me before then, I'll be looking for more photos - prop-heavy blog tonight, I'm like Carrot-Top.  White-Top!  Until then, Go White or Go Home!

-----

Heat 93 Pacers 91 ot

6 Thoughts

1) "Guys, we've got this game - we're up like 6 with like a minute to go.  Monster win for us - in Miami!  All you have to do is make sure KJ James doesn't steal the ball like three times in a row, score a breakaway layup while getting punched in the groin by Dahntay Jones, and then knock down a corner triple to send the game to overtime, because if that happens, we'll probably get up 5 again with a minute to go, then KJ will hit another triple, bog down our offense by switching onto our point guard for the last few possessions, and then Dwyane Wade will hit a buzzer-beating twenty-footer with one of our guys landing on him to win the game...Okay?  Pacers on three, one, two, three: Pacers!"  Whooooops.

2)  Besides KJ's late heroics, and Dwyane's winning shot, one of the biggest stories of the game was the officiating.  It was utterly atrocious.  In a related story, tonight's refereeing crew featured the 88 year old Dick Bavetta!  Wait - are you trying to tell me that a basketball game reffed by Dick Bavetta was over-physical, highly contentious, and had both teams mad all night long?  Not only am I telling you that, but Dick Bavetta wasn't even the worst ref on the floor!  That would be his partner, Bennie Adams, who spent the entire game slow-calling fouls.  It's one of the most annoying things you can do as a ref: wait to see if the ball goes into the basket before deciding whether or not to call a foul.  You are absolutely not supposed to do that: if it's a foul, call a foul; if it's not a foul, don't call it.  I promise you, Bennie Adams, no player, no coach, no fan, wants to watch a player drive to the basket, take a bump that looks like a foul, get the ball up to the hoop, watch it spin around, there's no whistle, it comes off the rim, the defensive team grabs it, spins to run up the floor, then you blow your whistle and call a foul.  So brutal - and he must have done that 6 or 7 times tonight.  He even extended it to out of bounds plays where he'd just stand there, obviously not sure who touched it last, wait to see if a player would give it away by heading back down the court, and when no one did, he'd point one way or the other and be like, "Pacer ball?"  He was so, so, so bad.  Not to be upstaged, on the last play of a tie game, Dwyane Wade went one-on-one with Paul George, garden-variety okey-doked him into the air, took a hard bump from George for an automatic foul, shot the ball anyways, and it went in for a three point play, except Dick Bavetta, standing, literally, four feet from Wade and George, didn't call a foul.  It didn't even occur to me that he might not have called a foul until the ensuing timeout when M.Minutos (who turned momentum the Heat's way late in overtime by going hood-up with her sweatshirt) noticed Juwan Howard arguing with Bavetta while the rest of the team huddled.  Amazing.  You know one reason why America stinks now?  I mean, except for Barack Obama, who killed Bin Laden?  Because there are too often no consequences for sucking year after year after year - you still get to keep your job, like Dick Bavetta.  Dick Bavetta killed America!

3) How many times does KJ James have to get tackled, or hit in the face, or smacked in the groin while driving to the basket in transition before someone calls a flagrant foul?  In the first half, Dwyane Wade ran out with the ball chased by the land-locked David West, whose career has been murdered by a knee injury (4-18 from the floor tonight - no elevation or quickness anymore -one more year and he'll be Elton Brand).  As Wade approached the rim, he felt West's hand on his back, and rather than get propelled into the basket stanchion by West (which happened anyways), he suddenly bounced the ball behind his back to a rampaging James.  West whirled around and never jumped - just took a swing and hit KJ in the face as he elevated, dislodging the ball.  The refs called a foul - after making sure the ball didn't go in the basket - but not a flagrant, which was absurd.  KJ, as he always does, pretty much just walked to the free throw line, but the rest of the Heat players argued for a flagrant, along with, I guess, Pacer coach Frank Vogel (a known liar, remember - more on this in #5), who was assessed a technical foul, which Emcee Chalmers took, and predictably, missed!  When even the coach of the other team thinks a foul should be flagrant, that's saying something.  Dick Bavetta and Bennie Adams killed America!  And now they are trying to kill KJ James!

4) Well, if you had March 10th against Indiana in the What Day Will Mike Miller Suffer a Debilitating Injury pool, you win. Sprained his ankle landing on Chris Bosh's foot while jumping for a rebound which, of course, Chris Bosh was not jumping for!  Don't know how Mike lasted this long, frankly.  Also, a sprained ankle seems so pedestrian for him.  In the What Will Mike Miller's Injury Be pool, I had a detached retina, backed up with a second entry for tonsillitis.

5) The first time we played Indiana this season, Pacer coach Frank Vogel lied to Eric Reid and Tony Fiorentino by telling them that his team wouldn't play zone, and that they hadn't even worked on a zone yet. Then, five minutes into the game, they went zone!  Congratulations, Frank Vogel: you outwitted the Heat's television broadcast team!  Tonight, in his pre-game interview, he told Eric and Tony, "we're a very good team trying to be great - we're not there yet."  How do we know that's true?  I didn't trust him - I thought they would come out on the court tonight and be great, thought he was lying about that.  But, no, they were pretty much the same over-exuberant, flagrant fouling, mediocre hacksters that they always were - he was credible on this topic.  You know what would help them get from good to great?  One: trade the good players for great players.  Two: get a head coach who doesn't lie - it brings everybody down knowing their coach can't be trusted.

6) I watched the second half of this game live-action, which I almost never do.  I think Sunsports only showed the same two commercials during every timeout: one where a UFC guy adopts a tiger, or something - not sure what that was an ad for.  UFC fighters?  Zoos?  The other for a new (?) show starring Kiefer Sutherland.  It seemed like an "I see dead people" show, but the specific ad Sunsports keeps showing featured a guy sitting with an intense-looking Sutherland, and the guy goes, "Your son can see the past, present, and future," and then Sutherland looks at him, baffled, and goes, "I don't know what you mean..."  Really?  Which part of the time-space continuum have you never heard of, the past, the present, or the future?  You really don't know what he means?  He means your son can see the past, the present, and the future - I figured that out the very first time I saw the ad.  Seems like a really smart character!  Well-written!  You could be like, "I don't believe you," that would make sense, or you could be like, "That seems bizarre," that would make sense, but to not understand what the guy means, that just seems dumb.  Still, this looks like a great show - I liked "I see dead people" - so I will be watching.
---
So far we're 2-0 in our five game stretch against the best of the East.  Tuesday we play Orlando, followed by Wednesday in Chicago: that's the hardest back-to-back Eastern conference double we can play.  Should be fun.  If you need me before then, I will be at Macy's buying M.Minutos a new hoodie for the mid-week back-to-back.  See you Tuesday!
-----  

Heat 89 Hawks 86

6 Thoughts

1) Look, it's been said many times by many people - okay, by me - that the heart and soul of the Miami Heat is provided by three people: Dwyane Wade, Udonis Haslem, and me.  So, in the closing moments of this game, when Dwyane made a key jump hook after struggling all night; then drove and found Udonis for a 16 foot jump shot; then drove again and found Udonis for a backdoor alley-oop dunk; and Udonis shut down Josh Smith on three straight possessions; then made a brilliant defensive play to slide off Smith and give a strong contest to Jannero Pargo's last ditch three point attempt; while the whole time I provided the reverse jinx by repeatedly screaming at Dwyane to throw the ball to KJ James, and demanding that KJ take Josh Smith defensively because I thought Smith would kill Udonis, I don't think anyone was surprised.  Dwyane, Udonis, and me, we've closed out a ton of these games over the years.  We all may be a older, but what we lack in athleticism, we make up for in savvy, and also, a total misguided belief on my part that KJ James should make every play on both ends down the stretch of games.  Let's go...

2) Miami played hard for about two minutes of the third quarter, when the Hawks opened up a 10 point lead, and the Heat got mad and scored 13 straight; and for about two minutes in the fourth quarter, after the game was seemingly over when the Heat opened a 6 point lead with a few minutes to go, and the Hawks clawed back to a tie with a couple of minutes left.  Both teams were on a back-to-back, looked exhausted, and that resulted in a game that was not at all fluid.  The Hawks turned the ball over 121 times.  Wait- what?  Oh, only 21 times.  Seemed like more.  Meanwhile, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh combined to shoot 2-13 in the first half, and Miami trailed by a bucket, even though for the first time in franchise history, an opposing team went the entire first half without shooting a free throw, which I'm sure Hawks coach Larry Drew appreciated.  Sometimes it's just that way in this league - a slog into the final moments, then the team that makes one more play wins.  Tonight Miami got a bunch of big ones from Wade, Bosh made a key jumper, and UD brought it home.  Still, one can't help thinking that the Hawks win this game by 20 if they still had Mike Bibby.

3) KJ James is a freak.  He didn't even play well, but when Miami got down 10 in the third quarter, it was like he said, "Okay, I guess I need to do everything," and proceeded to do everything for about a four minute stretch to turn a 10 point deficit into a 3 point lead.  A bunch of wing jumpers, a few deflections on defense, rebounding in traffic - problem solved.  You wouldn't say he played particularly well or hard, and still his line was 12-20 for 31 points, 11 rebounds, 2 assists, a steal, 2 blocks, and he was clearly the best defensive player on the court.  Though UD took Josh Smith at the end of the game (nice first half for Smith and he finished with 23 points), KJ took him during that third quarter run and Smith's inability to create offense against James during that stretch helped turn the momentum.  Also, he spent his postgame interview looking into the camera and pitching Peyton Manning on coming down to the Dolphins.  Doin'.  It.  All.  I've never seen anyone play consistently better over the course of a season, and I've seen - we've all seen -  Dwyane have some incredible years.  But Dwyane has bad games; KJ really doesn't.  Before the start of tonight's game, KJ was averaging 27.6 points, 8.5 rebounds, almost 7 assists, almost 2 steals, and he's shooting over 55% from the floor.  And 40% on triples!  And 77% from the line.  And he's one of the best handful of defensive players in the league, and probably the only who regularly guards 4 different positions.  That's crazy.  It's just crazy.  Totally crazy.  The Miami Heat are all about Dwyane, UD, and me, but even I have to admit, I've never seen anything like this.  Don't f- this up, KJ, you better win this title for Dwyane, UD, and me...

4) For the last time this season, the Heat were wearing their Miami Floridians throwback jerseys.  We've been doing this for like eight seasons and I still have no idea who the Miami Floridians were.  An ABA team?  A lot of times, like tonight when Jason Jackson was interviewing a former Miami Floridian player named, umm - I have actually no idea what his name was - I am trying to watch the game.  In any case, the unis are super unattractive, a multicolored melange of stripes, kind of reminiscent of the new Marlins uniforms.  But you know what are supercool?  The sweet cardigan warmup jackets!  Slick - cardigan warmups!  Made by Addidas (notice the stripes on the shoulder).  They don't sell them to the public, which means I need to convince M.Minutos to knit me one on her loom.   Modeled here by, who else, Mr. Double Popped Collar himself, Shane Battier!

5) In the fourth quarter, former Heat great Erick Dampier, whom I nicknamed "Screen Du Jour" because the moment he steps on to the basketball court his whole raison d'etre becomes screening people - on offense, on defense, during timeouts, whenever - checked in and laid maybe the most illegal screen of all-time on KJ James.  Dampier was screening down at the elbow as KJ's guy was trying to pop to the top of the key to receive a pass.  KJ tried to slip in the gap and cut the guy off at the foul line.  As he did, Screen took one step, lowered his shoulder into KJ, locked up his other arm wth his free hand, and drove him into the ground.  That's not easy to do - KJ has to weigh 260 pounds.  The refs called a foul - not only was it the most illegal screen ever, but also arguably the most blatant foul of any kind of all-time - but I think we all enjoyed it.  Screen du Jour should hold the title of Man Who Has Committed The Most Illegal Screen of All-Time, it's only fitting.  Even KJ got up laughing.

6) Dos Minutos International Headquarters is located in a plaza, almost conveniently, right next to Publix (grocery store, for you non-Floridians).  It would be totally convenient to grab something to eat, if the checkout lines at that store didn't move at the same approximate pace as Erick Dampier.  Slllooowwwww.  That's another story.  Today, I was starving and hadn't brought anything to eat, so I was forced to go over there.  Sometimes there are a few homeless dudes who sit on a bench between Dos M. Int'l HQs and the store.  Today, as I walked by the bench, there was one of those dudes sitting there, and looking all, you know, homeless, and I was wearing a dapper ensemble consisting of a mauve Polo shirt with thin white stripes, light slacks, and a dark green tie.  Someone pointed out that I looked like the tournament director at Wimbledon.  As I walked by the homeless dude, I happened to catch his eye, and I started to give him a little nod, but before I could, he looks at me with utter disgust, and his voice dripping with derision, sneers out, "Office boy."  HAAAAAAA!!!!!  That was the funniest insult I ever got - and I've received a lot of them!  How dare you, homeless dude!  When I got back to Dos M. Int'l HQs, I told them the story, and The Captain goes, "Well, that guy has you pegged."  That made my whole day- I feel like that homeless dude and I shared a moment!  Godspeed, Occupy Bench dude - I hope you get back on your feet!  Fight the Power!  
---
Got my new ipod today, I'm feeling good.  Obviously, the first song I played on it was Motley Crue's "Girl, Don't Go Away Mad, Girl Just Go Away," if only because a lot of days, that's the only song that I play at all.  I think we are off until Saturday, when we play Indiana.  If you need me before then, I'll be in my office.  Of course.
----- 

Heat 108 Nets 78

6 Thoughts

1) How bad was this blowout, pt. 1: Miami's two greatest offensive strengths are transition offense, and getting to the free throw line.  At halftime, they had zero fastbreak points, and had shot only one free throw, and led by 27.  The halftime media battle of Hot Seconds with Jax between Ira Winderman and Chris Perkins ended up in a 2-2 tie, and that was farrr more scintillating than this game.  Let's go!

2) How bad was this blowout, pt. 2: Wade, Bosh, and KJ James combined to play zero minutes in the fourth quarter; the Heat started with a group consisting of Dexter Pittman, Norris Cole, Mike Miller, James Jones, and Udonis Haslem, and instantly extended the lead from 32 to 40.   If Dexter Pittman could play against this Nets team every night, he'd be Moses Malone.

3) Chris Bosh was back from a three game absence to be with his family after the death of his grandmother and, I have to admit, it was kind of nice to see him again.  We were robbed of the usual "soft-off" we get in Nets games because Nets big man Brooks Lopez is out with a foot injury, but Bosh filled in admirably by ripping down 2 rebounds in 24 minutes.  To be fair, he scored 20 points on 9-14, and probably could have scored 40 if he wanted to because the Nets made absolutely no effort to defend the rim, the perimeter, or anywhere else.  Chris Bosh - it is good to have you back, best wishes to your family.

4) Play of the game: Obviously, in the first quarter when Dexter Pittman caught a ball with his back to the basket late in the shot clock, spun baseline, lofted a turnaround, and watched in amazement as it softly plopped off the top of the backboard and dropped down through the hoop!  Is that only 2 points?  That has to be worth more than two points!  After career highs of 10 points and 6 boards in 15 minutes, Pitt visited Jax in the Sunsport Lounge and told him, "That's my shot!"

5) Okay, okay, okay.  The New Jersey Nets aren't a great team, we know that, they have a great point guard in Deron Williams, but their second best player, Brooks Lopez, has missed almost all the season.  In fairness, wins aren't their focus this season - the only thing that matters is acquiring Dwight Howard from the Orlando Magic, a trade that seems like it should have been completed months ago.  If the Magic opt not to trade Howard to New Jersey, there is an excellent chance he will join them as a free agent in the offseason anyways, when they move to their new arena in Brooklyn.  Is this a good move for Howard?  Let's do the math.  Three of the most popular destinations in the NBA are Los Angeles, Chicago, and Miami.  Is Brooklyn as attractive a location as any of those three cities?  Of course not!  Don't be absurd!  Los Angeles has great weather, is close to Hollywood, and a legacy of championships!  Chicago is a supercool city and has an incredibly hard-working defensive core of young players who would absolutely win multiple titles with Howard aboard.  Miami has beautiful beaches, the nightlife, spicy Latin women, and my dad, Pat Riley!  Brooklyn seems like a town for hipster doofi who can't cut it in Manhattan, and the Nets will always be second-class citizens behind the Knicks.  It's not even remotely as attractive as any of these locations!  No premier free agent would ever want to go there, not ever, not in a hundred million years.  Nev-ver...What?  How about just staying in Orlando?  Oh, no - that would be insane.  Go to Brooklyn, Dwight Howard, that's a no-brainer.  RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN, RUN!!!   

6) Dos Minutos email exchange of the day:

Thor: Don't you think Ron Artest looks like Karl Malone?

Dos: What?  You're from Australia, you don't like basketball, and you've never even heard of Dwight Howard.  How do you know who Ron Artest and Karl Malone are? 
   
Thor: I saw them on Piers Morgan.

Dos: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
---
I don't want to blame anything on anybody, but I should mention that GFOB (Great Friend of the Blog) SF was visiting America (from Scotland) this past week while the Heat lost two games in a row.  Last time he was here during basketball season, last season, they lost five in a row.  He leaves yesterday, the Heat instantly win tonight by about 100 points.  Just sayin'...We're back at it tomorrow night against Atlanta, we'll be on a bit of a late start at Casa Dos because M.Minutos is playing tennis in the evening.  She could definitely be the next Zina Garrison.  If you need me before then, I'll be out buying a new ipod - mine crapped out after only about 8 years - and you know what is going right on the new one before anything else?  Do you?  Do you, Jax?  Drake!!!  Yeah.  Yeah.  Uhhhnnnn.
----- 

Lakers 93 Heat 83

6 Thoughts

1) Sunday afternoon games suck so hard.  Why does a team from Miami get stuck playing every Sunday just because they are good?  Who wants to be locked in the house in South Florida watching a stupid basketball game when you could be at the beach, or chilling outside, or fishing, or anything fun?  Why not have the teams from crappy cold weather cities play on Sundays?  Doesn't that make more sense?  Not only that, because the preceding Celtics-Knicks epic battle for the 7th playoff seed in the East went to overtime, we missed almost the entire first quarter of Heat-Lakers.  Why wouldn't you at least switch the Miami and LA markets to their game when it is ready to start?  In any case, this game was atrocious.  The Lakers slowed the game to an absolute crawl and turned it into a dull-fest.  I'm not criticizing them, that's what they had to do to win, but it certainly didn't make for an entertaining afternoon on a beautiful Florida day.  Let's just get this over with and catch the last few moments of sunshine.  I don't care what you say: I'm mailing this post in.

2) Chris Bosh missed his third straight game with a death in the family.  Should be back for Tuesday against, I think, New Jersey.  Anyone - like me - who loves to ride Chris Bosh for all his flaws should be forced to watch this game over and over.  I'm not going to, I can promise you that, but I should.  The key to the Lakers win was how well they played defensively, especially their center Andrew Bynum.  Bynum did a good job of ignoring the Heat bigs - Joel, UD, Pitt, even Juwan Howard! - and jamming up the lane.  If Chris Bosh is available, he can't play that way.  Bosh is big enough to finish inside, or good enough to step to the free throw line, receive a pass, and make a high percentage of jump shots.  With Bosh available, the Heat could have gone small with LeBron at the 4 - he played there a bunch anyways and totally handled Pau Gasol defensively - and Bynum would have had to play Bosh straight up, opening up the lane.  Against most teams, Bosh's absence really wouldn't matter, but today it really hurt.

3) Dwyane Wade fouled out of the game for only the second time in 7 seasons!  He was the first Heat player to foul out in the last 88 games, an all-time NBA record!  Which raises the point: where was Eric Reid on this?  He wasn't on the air today, as Miami had to play the national ABC game for seemingly the 4,000th consecutive weekend, but this is the kind of Heat statistical minutae he thrives on - he lives for knowing that the Heat haven't had anyone foul out for over a season!  Nothing has surprised me more this season than seeing that stat show up on the screen and realizing that Reid hadn't mentioned it once.  Come on, Eric Reid: Pick it up!

4) You can't be a bigger, self-aggrandizing douche than Ron Artest.  He spent the last 5 minutes of the game trying to start a fight, as usual.  He even got KJ James mad, which takes some doing.  Just once I'd like to see the opening tip of a Laker game, then have the ref instantly blow his whistle and eject Artest.  I mean, it's not like we don't know he is going to spend the entire game trying to injure people - why waste everyone's time?  Just throw him out and get on with it.

5) Kobe Bryant had to wear a face mask because Dwyane Wade broke his nose in the All-Star Game last week.  I'm not going to lie, it was kind of worth it to lose the game just to see him look so dopey wearing that stupid mask, knowing Dwyane had done it to him.  Did I mention Sunday games suck, and I didn't enjoy watching this game at all?

6) I'm too bored to tell a story.  Just know this: if you aren't watching Piers Morgan on the regular, you ain't living.  Scary talented - can ask any question in the book.  Piers Morgan: every weeknight on, I think, whatever station Larry King used to be on, whichever one that is.
---
I'm pretty sure we are back home and play the Nets on Tuesday.  If you need me before then, I'll be trying to recover from this snooze-fest by doing something more exciting, like peeling potatoes, or listening to Beatles albums.  La-ter.
-----

Jazz 99 Heat 98

6 Thoughts

1) "I don't care if we lose; I don't care if we win - I just want to go to bed."  - Me, two and a half hours ago.  So tired.  Long game.

2) The nine game winning streak is over.  It happens.  Miami came out on the second night of a back-to-back sluggish, got down double digits early, and stayed down double digits virtually all game.  KJ James, with one of the more incredible basketball performances you will ever see - for the second night in a row - somehow led an insane charge to inch Miami back into the lead late, but a few late bad plays by Dwyane Wade sunk Miami: fouling Devin Harris on a three point attempt; missing two bad shots late; missing a free throw late; and fouling Devin Harris on an and-one for Utah's game-winning margin.  Udonis Haslem got an open 15 footer from the elbow - his spot - to win it, but missed, and Utah won the biggest game they will play all year.  All credit to them - they played hard and well all night.

3) Oh my heavens: KJ James, like everyone else, started slow, but played an unbelievable last 20 minutes, and scored 17 in the fourth quarter, including back-to-back long jump shots on the Heat's next-to-last and next-to-next-to-last possessions, the second one when he lost the ball on the way up, somehow regained it in the air, and threw in a 21 footer.  For the second straight night, his numbers were absurd: made 16-24 shots for 35 points, grabbed 10 rebounds, had 6 assists, blocked 3 shots, and for the second straight night, didn't commit a turnover despite constantly having the ball in his hands!  The level he is playing at is beyond words - you might live a long, long time and never again see someone play this well for an entire season.  There isn't really anything to say about it.  Just watch it.

4) Like I said, everyone on Miami started slowly and Miami got down 18 early.  Oh - I mean everyone EXCEPT SHANE BATTIER WHO MADE HIS FIRST 6 TRIPLES, BLOCKED 4 SHOTS, AND WAS THE ONLY THING THAT PREVENTED MIAMI FROM BEING BEHIND BY 100 POINTS AT HALFTIME!  That's what I meant to say!  Man, he must be tired from all that long-distance shooting!  Get the full-body compression suit ready for the flight to LA - he's gonna need it!

5) Utah: 50 rebounds.  Miami: 32 rebounds.  Oops.  Utah had 23 offensive rebounds alone.  Chris Bosh, still out with a death in his family.  We could have used a statue in there tonight!  A statue would have been an upgrade over what we got on the boards!

6) Went out to dinner with M.Minutos before the game tonight.  Hanging out on Lake Avenue in Lake Worth, kind of a funky, eclectic little town, lots of cool casual restaurants and bars.  We ate at Havana Hideaway - I will neither confirm nor deny that I had a glass of strawberry-mint sangria.  Anyways, afterwards we walked around town and in front of one shop, a dude had placed a big puppet show set - you know, like a big wooden hinged stage that he can kneel down behind and put the show on in the window, like Kukla, Fran, and Ollie, or whatever that show was.  It was very elaborate - large, and brightly painted, with wood carvings all over it, etc.  The show was just about to start when we were walking by.  Of course, M.Minutos didn't want to stop - she doesn't need additional entertainment, she lives with me!  But, obviously, I made her stop, because who doesn't want to see an elaborate homemade puppet show on Lake Avenue on a Friday night - that's a no-brainer.  So the show starts, and it's basically like the dude holding up really weird looking puppets, one in each hand, and they lip-synced old show tunes.  Like, the first song was "There's No Business Like Show Business."  Clearly, this was a great show - there was no way I was leaving quickly, this was so right up my alley.  Moments later, my greatest dream was realized: "When am I going to get to see a bizarre looking frog puppet lip sync the old movie version of the song "Old Man River?"  I LOVE "OLD MAN RIVER!'  THAT IS MY FAVORITE SONG EVER!!!  As the opening strains of the intro came tweeting out of the dude's boombox, M.Minutos froze in horror.  "Oh my God," she whispered, "This is my worst nightmare..."  She knew what was coming, she knows I LOVE that song!  I sang every word along with the frog puppet as the crowd looked on with what I like to think was genuine admiration!  M.Minutos: so, so proud!  "Not only is this happening," she lamented, "but now you are going to be singing this song for six straight weeks.  Again."  And guess what?  I will be!  Old Man River: he just keeps on rolling, and rolling, and ROLLING!!!  So, so good!  When this dude takes it up another notch in the last minute of the song, with the full chorus and orchestra?  Chills.  So, so good!
   

---
We play the Lakers on Sunday - Dwyane Wade broke Kobe Bryant's nose, in the All-Star Game!  Should be a good one.  If you need me before then, I'll be sleeping, I can promise you that!  Zzzzzz.....
-----

Heat 107 Blazers 93

6 Thoughts

1) First half from Portland: Dwyane Wade and KJ James, 16-23 for 41 points; entire Portland Trailblazer team, 42 points; rest of Heat team, 19 points.  Heat by 18 at half.  Ballgame.  Nine wins in a row, all by double digits.  It's late.  Let's go.

2) Wade finished the first half with 22, and had 33 for the game, with 10 assists.  KJ scored 38 points on only 22 shots, and also had 11 rebounds, 6 assists, 5 steals and a block.  What?  Only one block?  Oh - it was a screaming chase-down tomahawk which ricocheted off the backboard at 60 miles per hour?  Okay, that's fine.  And, once again, the first half, especially, was like a track meet, only if at the end of every sprint in the track meet, someone jumped up and dunked a basketball with extreme force.  At one point, Wade and James had so many transition dunks that when Wade scrambled down a loose ball at midcourt and started to steam upcourt again, referee Bill Kennedy tried to take a foul to slow him down.  Wade eluded Kennedy, pushed down the right side of the court, and as a Blazer hustled over to try to cut him off, suddenly threw a blind right-handed hook pass back up over his left shoulder which a freight-training KJ James located on the dead run, elevated, and in one motion with his right hand caught-and-windmill-slammed the ball through the basket.  President Barack Obama (unfortunately a Bulls fan, but not a Derrick Rose fan because he doesn't like humorless egomaniacs) said it best this week when asked about the Heat: "When those folks get going on a fastbreak, it's over."  Yes, yes it is...

3) Chris Bosh: out, death in the family.  Udonis Haslem: in, 11 points and 14 rebounds in only 27 minutes.

4) So Dwyane Wade has this Eurostep move, right?  Basically, when you are driving to the basket, you take one hard, veering step in one direction, get the defender to shift his weight that way, and then a sharp step back across him the other way, all the while pushing up closer to the basket.  Obviously, named after European dudes - it's a popular move over there, although they tend to combine it with not dribbling for 6 steps before scoring.  Wade's great at it, he can almost always get around his defender for a layup, or at least draw a foul.  Tonight, late in the second quarter, he drove down the right side of the lane, and took a hard right step on Blazer forward Nicolas Batum, before swiftly coming back left to try to Eurostep to the rim.  It was great, except Batum, maybe for the first time in NBA history, anticipated the Eurostep and beat Wade to the spot in the lane.  And guess what?  Nicolas Batum is European!  He's French!  He saw this move coming before you even woke up this morning, Dwyane Wade!  Luckily, caught in a awkward position, Wade managed to leap into the air, somehow lean back right, and flip in a nine foot bank shot around Batum for his 21st and 22nd points of the half.  American ingenuity triumphs again!  And the Dow is above 13,000!  And we killed Bin Laden!  When Barack Obama gets going, it's over!  We're back, baby!

5) Bald Watch: KJ James.  M. Minutos claims the NBA-approved headbands are wider this year, solely to help KJ cover up his receding hairline.  As we noted in the offseason, KJ made a big step by acknowledging his problem, but has repeatedly vowed not to cut it all off.  That's fine, that's a personal choice.  He's going bald in that receding-at-the-temples-but-only-a-little-bit-on-top kind of way, like a black Christian Slater.  But you know who is going all-the-way-bald, like Woody-Harrelson-it's-thinning-out-everywhere-and-if-he-was-white-he'd-be-combing-it-over?  Kevin Durant.  Durant's getting shiny everywhere, up top, in the front - everywhere.  I make this prediction: barring one of the two going to seek "assistance," a la Carlos Boozer or Deron Williams, Kevin  Durant shaves his head long before KJ ever does.  Note to KJ and KD: look at Carlos Boozer and Deron Williams' hair.  Is that what you want?  Hold on as long as you can, then shave it off...

6) This story is totally true: GFOB (Great Friend of the Blog) Plumber lives in New York. A couple of weekends ago, he went into the city to have dinner and see a Davy Jones concert. Yes, that Davy Jones, from The Monkees. And, no, Plumber is not seventy years old, and, no, I don't think he intensely detests music. He's just not a huge music fan, and when he does listen, he likes to keep it old, old school. He also loves Roy Orbison, and the Louvin Brothers. And, anyways, so he went to a Davy Jones concert - big deal, it's New York City, what the hell else was he going to do that night? It's not like he had a lot of options. Anyways, as you probably know, Davy Jones passed away this week (not too far from Dos Minutos International Headquarters, incidentally). Sad day. M.Minutos immediately wondered if Plumber was in any way responsible for his demise, but Plumber pointed out that he probably died from over-excitement from playing old Monkees songs. Still, he took precautionary action: "I just cancelled my tickets to see Huey Lewis next month -- just in case."
---
Back tomorrow night for a game in Utah.  Hide the kids, we're going to Utah!  No - just the black kids!  If you need me before then, I'll be at The Hair Club for Men, telling my doctor, "See this picture of Carlos Boozer?  This is what we don't want!"  See you then...
-----