What is up? We're back. We took the summer off. A lot happened. Most people were like, "How can you not write about what happened this summer?" My usual answer: "I don't know."
But that's all over now. The events of the off-season have sunk in - we are ready to have our say. We saved up a lot of questions that we received over the summer, and we are ready to answer them now. Training camp starts in two weeks, and the season starts at the end of October. So we are going to start easing our way back with weekly posts until the games start - it takes a lot of practice to make the blog as retarded as it is, game after game. So without no further ado, let's do what we do:
"Heading in to free agency, you claimed you didn't want LeBron on the Heat - I believe the exact line was, 'He is not welcome here.' So, are you mad he is on the team now?"
Look, if you don't know about the power of the reverse-jinx, I don't know what to tell you. What do you want me to do, say how much I want LeBron on the team, thereby sealing his delivery to Chicago, or back to Cleveland? Yeah - that would have been smart. The rumor for two days before LeBron's well-received televised announcement was that Miami had him on lock - I shrugged it off, and continued to insist that was utterly impossible, and unappealing. Went to the gym the night of the announcement, and I remember running on the treadmill (super-fast, by the way), timing my run so I would be home just in time for the start of the show, and I briefly allowed myself to think: "Jesus - what if he does come here?" A while later, as soon as I heard him say the words "South Beach," I immediately tackled O. and P. Minutos on the couch, rolling around screaming, "I did it! I really did it! I reverse-jinxed him here!" And I did. Remember this as a primer for what to do the next time you really want something...
"You virtually guaranteed that for financial reasons, Dwyane Wade really didn't have the option to leave Miami over the summer. So you weren't surprised when he came back, right?"
Not at all. But what I was shocked about was that my premise was completely wrong. I thought that Dwyane spent so much money on a messy divorce, a bunch of troubled business dealings, and private planes for Gabrielle Union's visits to Miami, that he had to ensure that he got a max-length and max-dollar contract, which could only happen in Miami. And then what did he do? Convinced Bosh and LeBron to give up 15 million dollars or so each, and then gave up even more than that himself, in order to be able to get all three in Miami, re-sign his boy Udonis Haslem, and LeBron's boy Mike Miller. Dwyane always struck me as a kid with a healthy, healthy ego - now he is the third highest paid player on his own team. But, almost impossibly, he is a bigger hero in Miami than he was before free agency. Everyone has already said it - but no one came out of this summer looking better than Dwyane Wade.
"Are you happy Udonis is back?"
I still have an erection.
"What were the three gayest things you did this summer?"
This, obviously, was the best question I received. Here you go:
1) Downloaded Drake's album, and put it in to heavy rotation on my ipod. Happened late in the summer, but, still, a clear-cut choice for number one on this list.
2) Okay, this one requires more explanation so you can understand just how gay it is. When the Heat signed Mike Miller - for those who don't know much about basketball, Mike Miller is a 6'7" white guy from one of the Dakotas who played at the University of Florida; is an unlikely close friend of Udonis Haslem and LeBron James; is one of the best shooters on the planet; rebounds very well for a small forward, and especially a small forward who is white; and turned down like an extra 10-12 million himself to come play for Miami - when the Heat signed him after getting Wade, Bosh, and James, I decided that I was going to approach my own summer-time workouts as if I were Mike Miller getting ready for this season with the Heat. So you might think to yourself, "Oh, he means he stepped up the intensity, imagining that he is going to be playing against the Lakers in the Finals and has to have his legs and balance in top shape for that one late shot in LA when Wade drives and kicks to him standing alone on the perimeter with the title on the line"...and you would be right. But it went way, way beyond that - I tried to imagine how Mike Miller might approach a certain drill ("probably likes a wider than normal stance on these leg presses"). I tried to imagine what Mike Miller might listen to on his ipod during a workout (my brother, A. Minutos, said clearly it would be Eminem's theme from 8 Mile over and over). After a good set of curls, I would pound my chest, and imagine Chris Bosh and Emcee Chalmers giving me dap on the way back to the bench after a big three caused the other team to call time out. I did draw the line at wearing a bandanna during my workouts, as I imagine Mike Miller does. But, still, that was a small, small concession to non-gayness. On the plus side - I am in great shape for an aging white dude. On the negative side - I was so busy lifting weights and doing cardio while pretending I was Mike Miller that I didn't get much shooting in, so if anyone does pass me the ball, my triple probably isn't going to go down.
3) I - happily - joined in a circle jerk with Wade, James, and Bosh. This was at the suggestion of my friend, and angry-at-LeBron-former-Cavalier-fan D. In retrospect, this maybe should be closer to the top of the list...
"Do you think Joel Anthony will be the next Dennis Rodman?"
First of all, I apologize to my friend Ring because he didn't actually ask this in the form of a question. It was more like he straight-up said that Joel Anthony will be the next Dennis Rodman, and to remember where I heard it first, and that I would have to eat my words making fun of him and Joel before the season was out...First of all, Ring is Canadian; Joel is Canadian - so that may be a factor. Second of all, Ring thinks I hate Joel just because I have been pointing out for years how unusual it is to have a 6'9" black Canadian who naturally secretes butter out of his appendage pores playing on your professional basketball team. I love Joel, and I think he is going to start at center, block a bunch shots, grab a few rebounds only to have them inexplicably squirt out of his hands skywards with no discernible movement on his part, and then watch from the bench as Udonis Haslem finishes games in his place...It's all good...I do admit, though, when I heard that Joel was the "go-to guy" for the Canadian national team this summer at the World Championships in Turkey, I didn't believe it unless by "go-to" they meant the guy you "go-to" to have him brush butter on your waffle with his hands before you put syrup on it. But, when they lost to Lebanon - Lebanon - during the tournament, yes, then I believed it.
We'll be back next week with more summer in review, including a tribute to the late, great Michael Beasley; and a definitive ruling on what nickname to use to refer to LeBron James this season. Until then, don't even trip...
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Saturday, September 11, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Dos Minutos Summer Update, pt. 1
Dos Minutos Summer Update, pt. 1
Hey, what is up, people? I hope everyone is enjoying the summer so far. To all the people who continue to email us even though the season is over - thanks, except for the ones telling us that we should make posts during the summer. This is our off-season - eighty-two dumb posts over a six month span wasn't enough? Trying to rest up, re-charge the batteries, so we can come back for a new season of inanity in the fall. We ARE watching the playoffs, though, for those who have asked. They have been awesome so far – we picked the Celtics in 7.
That’s not our focus for the summer, though - a couple of people have asked what we do when the season is over. Well, first of all, we are taking the summer off from basketball as soon as the Finals end. Keep sending emails, just don’t make them about basketball, because we won’t answer them, even though we love you. We don’t know where any of the free agents are going, by the way, and don't care too much (Dwyane Wade should go to the Knicks, though, and bring Chris Bosh with him). We are off basketball until October 1st – we will reassess from that point. Might have to take a season off at some point, to keep it fresh. If you are lucky, it will be this upcoming season...
Instead, here is what we are doing this summer. Changing up what we do, and how we do it - at least a little - with the caveat that we are always keeping our minds right. Unlike, say, Michael Bea--never mind. Just, please email us about these topics, or other interesting things.
1) We are exclusively listening to Southern Rock. Skynyrd, Allman Brothers, Molly Hatchet, Drive-by Truckers, et al. Also, talking in a Southern drawl. You might ask, “Aren’t you from Connecticut, and wear khakis with no pleats, and read the New York Times,” and I would say to you that I did do those things, but not now. Now, I take my time and don’t live too fast; troubles come, but they will pass, because I’m a simple kind of man. You feel me?
2) Watching “Dexter” on DVD. Last summer we watched “The Wire.” “The Wire” is the greatest show ever in Casa Minutos. “Dexter” is getting pretty darn close, though – The Ice Truck Killer was cold-blooded in season one, dude, and I haven’t slept for the last three nights worrying about how Dexter is going to extricate himself from this mess in season two. Plus, the show is set in Miami (the greatest city on Earth), it is colorful, and the guy who plays Dexter is a genius – perfect parts creepy and likable at the same time.
3) Joe Flacco. Flacco, dude.
4) Savannah. Going there for a week this summer. If you know anything about it, holler at me.
5) The show “Friends.” Somehow it is always on during playoff games, and it is now my go-to commercial-time show. Hard to believe that in the very recent past, this show was considered funny – it's really creepy and uncomfortable to watch now, just for the facial mugging alone. Another thing: I didn’t watch it the first time around because I am a heterosexual male – holy Jesus, is that show gay! I love it! I’m not sure I’ll ever watch the series all the way through, though, so I need someone to tell me – did Chandler and the guido-y guy end up together or not?
6) World Cup. I hate to say it, but I’m kind of excited. Saw a quick bit of the kickoff concert featuring – you guessed it – Will.i.am and Black-Eyed Peas! I’m not saying I felt this way, but during their "set," it sure looked like a lot of the people in the crowd were thinking that maybe apartheid wasn’t so bad, after all. And not just the white people, either!
7) I need to get some old-school, Ban-lon style shirts – tight, with a deep v-neck and big-ish collars. Like an astronaut in the 60s would have worn when he was hanging out on Cocoa Beach . Go watch the old movie “The Right Stuff” if you don’t know what I mean. Anyone know where I can get that? It would help if the store was in Miami, or somewhere in that vicinity. Also, I need some muscles to fill the shirt out like an astronaut on Cocoa Beach in the 60s.
8) Cool books – we already have several suggestions from readers. So far we have already read “Children of God,” by Cormac McCarthy, and are now working on “Last Night in Twisted River” by John Irving. Really enjoyed CMC’s – it’s an old one. I haven’t truly liked a John Irving book since “Owen Meany,” and I have skipped the last couple, but I am feeling this one so far. Still – does every John Irving book have to prominently feature bears, “big-boned” women, and wrestling? Have to? At what point does he just say, You know what, I think I have milked this for all it is worth? Great story-teller, though.
9) Trying to, you know, spend some time with the kids.
10) Finally, watching a lot of crappy tv about aliens. At Casa Minutos we recently changed from satellite to cable - I don't know where any of the channels are located now, which makes for a whole new world of tv. Last night M.Minutos and I watched 30 minutes of a show about probable alien intervention in some of the great achievements of humankind. Specifically, the pyramids. The alien "experts" on the show asserted that aliens had to have landed on Earth thousands of years ago to show people all over the planet how to build things in the shape of a pyramid because, their theory went, people from a thousand years ago were complete idiots and never could have figured out that something that is broad at the bottom and skinny at the top is a more stable structure than, say, something shaped like a banana stood on its end, even though a toddler figures this out in about five minutes the first time you give him a set of legos. One expert kept referring to the aliens as "the guardians of the sky," who would periodically come to Earth to tell us how to do things. Trippy! Other things they influenced, according to the experts: Stonehenge, Easter Island, Niagara Falls (no way can water just fall that fast on its own), and Michael Jordan drafting Kwame Brown #1 overall while he was running the Bullets (the aliens thought Kwame had a better motor). I don't even know what channel it was on - but if you see a guy who looks like a French Matthew Broderick talking about aliens: Hit record on your DVR immediately!
Everybody have a good summer! We'll be back at you soon enough.
Hey, what is up, people? I hope everyone is enjoying the summer so far. To all the people who continue to email us even though the season is over - thanks, except for the ones telling us that we should make posts during the summer. This is our off-season - eighty-two dumb posts over a six month span wasn't enough? Trying to rest up, re-charge the batteries, so we can come back for a new season of inanity in the fall. We ARE watching the playoffs, though, for those who have asked. They have been awesome so far – we picked the Celtics in 7.
That’s not our focus for the summer, though - a couple of people have asked what we do when the season is over. Well, first of all, we are taking the summer off from basketball as soon as the Finals end. Keep sending emails, just don’t make them about basketball, because we won’t answer them, even though we love you. We don’t know where any of the free agents are going, by the way, and don't care too much (Dwyane Wade should go to the Knicks, though, and bring Chris Bosh with him). We are off basketball until October 1st – we will reassess from that point. Might have to take a season off at some point, to keep it fresh. If you are lucky, it will be this upcoming season...
Instead, here is what we are doing this summer. Changing up what we do, and how we do it - at least a little - with the caveat that we are always keeping our minds right. Unlike, say, Michael Bea--never mind. Just, please email us about these topics, or other interesting things.
1) We are exclusively listening to Southern Rock. Skynyrd, Allman Brothers, Molly Hatchet, Drive-by Truckers, et al. Also, talking in a Southern drawl. You might ask, “Aren’t you from Connecticut, and wear khakis with no pleats, and read the New York Times,” and I would say to you that I did do those things, but not now. Now, I take my time and don’t live too fast; troubles come, but they will pass, because I’m a simple kind of man. You feel me?
2) Watching “Dexter” on DVD. Last summer we watched “The Wire.” “The Wire” is the greatest show ever in Casa Minutos. “Dexter” is getting pretty darn close, though – The Ice Truck Killer was cold-blooded in season one, dude, and I haven’t slept for the last three nights worrying about how Dexter is going to extricate himself from this mess in season two. Plus, the show is set in Miami (the greatest city on Earth), it is colorful, and the guy who plays Dexter is a genius – perfect parts creepy and likable at the same time.
3) Joe Flacco. Flacco, dude.
4) Savannah. Going there for a week this summer. If you know anything about it, holler at me.
5) The show “Friends.” Somehow it is always on during playoff games, and it is now my go-to commercial-time show. Hard to believe that in the very recent past, this show was considered funny – it's really creepy and uncomfortable to watch now, just for the facial mugging alone. Another thing: I didn’t watch it the first time around because I am a heterosexual male – holy Jesus, is that show gay! I love it! I’m not sure I’ll ever watch the series all the way through, though, so I need someone to tell me – did Chandler and the guido-y guy end up together or not?
6) World Cup. I hate to say it, but I’m kind of excited. Saw a quick bit of the kickoff concert featuring – you guessed it – Will.i.am and Black-Eyed Peas! I’m not saying I felt this way, but during their "set," it sure looked like a lot of the people in the crowd were thinking that maybe apartheid wasn’t so bad, after all. And not just the white people, either!
7) I need to get some old-school, Ban-lon style shirts – tight, with a deep v-neck and big-ish collars. Like an astronaut in the 60s would have worn when he was hanging out on Cocoa Beach . Go watch the old movie “The Right Stuff” if you don’t know what I mean. Anyone know where I can get that? It would help if the store was in Miami, or somewhere in that vicinity. Also, I need some muscles to fill the shirt out like an astronaut on Cocoa Beach in the 60s.
8) Cool books – we already have several suggestions from readers. So far we have already read “Children of God,” by Cormac McCarthy, and are now working on “Last Night in Twisted River” by John Irving. Really enjoyed CMC’s – it’s an old one. I haven’t truly liked a John Irving book since “Owen Meany,” and I have skipped the last couple, but I am feeling this one so far. Still – does every John Irving book have to prominently feature bears, “big-boned” women, and wrestling? Have to? At what point does he just say, You know what, I think I have milked this for all it is worth? Great story-teller, though.
9) Trying to, you know, spend some time with the kids.
10) Finally, watching a lot of crappy tv about aliens. At Casa Minutos we recently changed from satellite to cable - I don't know where any of the channels are located now, which makes for a whole new world of tv. Last night M.Minutos and I watched 30 minutes of a show about probable alien intervention in some of the great achievements of humankind. Specifically, the pyramids. The alien "experts" on the show asserted that aliens had to have landed on Earth thousands of years ago to show people all over the planet how to build things in the shape of a pyramid because, their theory went, people from a thousand years ago were complete idiots and never could have figured out that something that is broad at the bottom and skinny at the top is a more stable structure than, say, something shaped like a banana stood on its end, even though a toddler figures this out in about five minutes the first time you give him a set of legos. One expert kept referring to the aliens as "the guardians of the sky," who would periodically come to Earth to tell us how to do things. Trippy! Other things they influenced, according to the experts: Stonehenge, Easter Island, Niagara Falls (no way can water just fall that fast on its own), and Michael Jordan drafting Kwame Brown #1 overall while he was running the Bullets (the aliens thought Kwame had a better motor). I don't even know what channel it was on - but if you see a guy who looks like a French Matthew Broderick talking about aliens: Hit record on your DVR immediately!
Everybody have a good summer! We'll be back at you soon enough.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Dos Minutos Summer Update, pt. 1
Hey, what is up, people? I hope everyone is enjoying the summer so far. To all the people who continue to email us even though the season is over - thanks, except for the ones telling us that we should make posts during the summer. This is our off-season - eighty-two dumb posts over a six month span wasn't enough? Trying to rest up, re-charge the batteries, so we can come back for a new season of inanity in the fall. We ARE watching the playoffs, though, for those who have asked. They have been awesome so far – we picked the Celtics in 7.
That’s not our focus for the summer, though - a couple of people have asked what we do when the season is over. Well, first of all, we are taking the summer off from basketball as soon as the Finals end. Keep sending emails, just don’t make them about basketball, because we won’t answer them, even though we love you. We don’t know where any of the free agents are going, by the way, and don't care too much (Dwyane Wade should go to the Knicks, though, and bring Chris Bosh with him). We are off basketball until October 1st – we will reassess from that point. Might have to take a season off at some point, to keep it fresh. If you are lucky, it will be this upcoming season...
Instead, here is what we are doing this summer. Changing up what we do, and how we do it - at least a little - with the caveat that we are always keeping our minds right. Unlike, say, Michael Bea--never mind. Just, please email us about these topics, or other interesting things.
1) We are exclusively listening to Southern Rock. Skynyrd, Allman Brothers, Molly Hatchet, Drive-by Truckers, et al. Also, talking in a Southern drawl. You might ask, “Aren’t you from Connecticut, and wear khakis with no pleats, and read the New York Times,” and I would say to you that I did do those things, but not now. Now, I take my time and don’t live too fast; troubles come, but they will pass, because I’m a simple kind of man. You feel me?
2) Watching “Dexter” on DVD. Last summer we watched “The Wire.” “The Wire” is the greatest show ever in Casa Minutos. “Dexter” is getting pretty darn close, though – The Ice Truck Killer was cold-blooded in season one, dude, and I haven’t slept for the last three nights worrying about how Dexter is going to extricate himself from this mess in season two. Plus, the show is set in Miami (the greatest city on Earth), it is colorful, and the guy who plays Dexter is a genius – perfect parts creepy and likable at the same time.
3) Joe Flacco. Flacco, dude.
4) Savannah. Going there for a week this summer. If you know anything about it, holler at me.
5) The show “Friends.” Somehow it is always on during playoff games, and it is now my go-to commercial-time show. Hard to believe that in the very recent past, this show was considered funny – it's really creepy and uncomfortable to watch now, just for the facial mugging alone. Another thing: I didn’t watch it the first time around because I am a heterosexual male – holy Jesus, is that show gay! I love it! I’m not sure I’ll ever watch the series all the way through, though, so I need someone to tell me – did Chandler and the guido-y guy end up together or not?
6) World Cup. I hate to say it, but I’m kind of excited. Saw a quick bit of the kickoff concert featuring – you guessed it – Will.i.am and Black-Eyed Peas! I’m not saying I felt this way, but during their "set," it sure looked like a lot of the people in the crowd were thinking that maybe apartheid wasn’t so bad, after all. And not just the white people, either!
7) I need to get some old-school, Ban-lon style shirts – tight, with a deep v-neck and big-ish collars. Like an astronaut in the 60s would have worn when he was hanging out on Cocoa Beach . Go watch the old movie “The Right Stuff” if you don’t know what I mean. Anyone know where I can get that? It would help if the store was in Miami, or somewhere in that vicinity. Also, I need some muscles to fill the shirt out like an astronaut on Cocoa Beach in the 60s.
8) Cool books – we already have several suggestions from readers. So far we have already read “Children of God,” by Cormac McCarthy, and are now working on “Last Night in Twisted River” by John Irving. Really enjoyed CMC’s – it’s an old one. I haven’t truly liked a John Irving book since “Owen Meany,” and I have skipped the last couple, but I am feeling this one so far. Still – does every John Irving book have to prominently feature bears, “big-boned” women, and wrestling? Have to? At what point does he just say, You know what, I think I have milked this for all it is worth? Great story-teller, though.
9) Trying to, you know, spend some time with the kids.
10) Finally, watching a lot of crappy tv about aliens. At Casa Minutos we recently changed from satellite to cable - I don't know where any of the channels are located now, which makes for a whole new world of tv. Last night M.Minutos and I watched 30 minutes of a show about probable alien intervention in some of the great achievements of humankind. Specifically, the pyramids. The alien "experts" on the show asserted that aliens had to have landed on Earth thousands of years ago to show people all over the planet how to build things in the shape of a pyramid because, their theory went, people from a thousand years ago were complete idiots and never could have figured out that something that is broad at the bottom and skinny at the top is a more stable structure than, say, something shaped like a banana stood on its end, even though a toddler figures this out in about five minutes the first time you give him a set of legos. One expert kept referring to the aliens as "the guardians of the sky," who would periodically come to Earth to tell us how to do things. Trippy! Other things they influenced, according to the experts: Stonehenge, Easter Island, Niagara Falls (no way can water just fall that fast on its own), and Michael Jordan drafting Kwame Brown #1 overall while he was running the Bullets (the aliens thought Kwame had a better motor). I don't even know what channel it was on - but if you see a guy who looks like a French Matthew Broderick talking about aliens: Hit record on your DVR immediately!
Everybody have a good summer! We'll be back at you soon enough.
-----
That’s not our focus for the summer, though - a couple of people have asked what we do when the season is over. Well, first of all, we are taking the summer off from basketball as soon as the Finals end. Keep sending emails, just don’t make them about basketball, because we won’t answer them, even though we love you. We don’t know where any of the free agents are going, by the way, and don't care too much (Dwyane Wade should go to the Knicks, though, and bring Chris Bosh with him). We are off basketball until October 1st – we will reassess from that point. Might have to take a season off at some point, to keep it fresh. If you are lucky, it will be this upcoming season...
Instead, here is what we are doing this summer. Changing up what we do, and how we do it - at least a little - with the caveat that we are always keeping our minds right. Unlike, say, Michael Bea--never mind. Just, please email us about these topics, or other interesting things.
1) We are exclusively listening to Southern Rock. Skynyrd, Allman Brothers, Molly Hatchet, Drive-by Truckers, et al. Also, talking in a Southern drawl. You might ask, “Aren’t you from Connecticut, and wear khakis with no pleats, and read the New York Times,” and I would say to you that I did do those things, but not now. Now, I take my time and don’t live too fast; troubles come, but they will pass, because I’m a simple kind of man. You feel me?
2) Watching “Dexter” on DVD. Last summer we watched “The Wire.” “The Wire” is the greatest show ever in Casa Minutos. “Dexter” is getting pretty darn close, though – The Ice Truck Killer was cold-blooded in season one, dude, and I haven’t slept for the last three nights worrying about how Dexter is going to extricate himself from this mess in season two. Plus, the show is set in Miami (the greatest city on Earth), it is colorful, and the guy who plays Dexter is a genius – perfect parts creepy and likable at the same time.
3) Joe Flacco. Flacco, dude.
4) Savannah. Going there for a week this summer. If you know anything about it, holler at me.
5) The show “Friends.” Somehow it is always on during playoff games, and it is now my go-to commercial-time show. Hard to believe that in the very recent past, this show was considered funny – it's really creepy and uncomfortable to watch now, just for the facial mugging alone. Another thing: I didn’t watch it the first time around because I am a heterosexual male – holy Jesus, is that show gay! I love it! I’m not sure I’ll ever watch the series all the way through, though, so I need someone to tell me – did Chandler and the guido-y guy end up together or not?
6) World Cup. I hate to say it, but I’m kind of excited. Saw a quick bit of the kickoff concert featuring – you guessed it – Will.i.am and Black-Eyed Peas! I’m not saying I felt this way, but during their "set," it sure looked like a lot of the people in the crowd were thinking that maybe apartheid wasn’t so bad, after all. And not just the white people, either!
7) I need to get some old-school, Ban-lon style shirts – tight, with a deep v-neck and big-ish collars. Like an astronaut in the 60s would have worn when he was hanging out on Cocoa Beach . Go watch the old movie “The Right Stuff” if you don’t know what I mean. Anyone know where I can get that? It would help if the store was in Miami, or somewhere in that vicinity. Also, I need some muscles to fill the shirt out like an astronaut on Cocoa Beach in the 60s.
8) Cool books – we already have several suggestions from readers. So far we have already read “Children of God,” by Cormac McCarthy, and are now working on “Last Night in Twisted River” by John Irving. Really enjoyed CMC’s – it’s an old one. I haven’t truly liked a John Irving book since “Owen Meany,” and I have skipped the last couple, but I am feeling this one so far. Still – does every John Irving book have to prominently feature bears, “big-boned” women, and wrestling? Have to? At what point does he just say, You know what, I think I have milked this for all it is worth? Great story-teller, though.
9) Trying to, you know, spend some time with the kids.
10) Finally, watching a lot of crappy tv about aliens. At Casa Minutos we recently changed from satellite to cable - I don't know where any of the channels are located now, which makes for a whole new world of tv. Last night M.Minutos and I watched 30 minutes of a show about probable alien intervention in some of the great achievements of humankind. Specifically, the pyramids. The alien "experts" on the show asserted that aliens had to have landed on Earth thousands of years ago to show people all over the planet how to build things in the shape of a pyramid because, their theory went, people from a thousand years ago were complete idiots and never could have figured out that something that is broad at the bottom and skinny at the top is a more stable structure than, say, something shaped like a banana stood on its end, even though a toddler figures this out in about five minutes the first time you give him a set of legos. One expert kept referring to the aliens as "the guardians of the sky," who would periodically come to Earth to tell us how to do things. Trippy! Other things they influenced, according to the experts: Stonehenge, Easter Island, Niagara Falls (no way can water just fall that fast on its own), and Michael Jordan drafting Kwame Brown #1 overall while he was running the Bullets (the aliens thought Kwame had a better motor). I don't even know what channel it was on - but if you see a guy who looks like a French Matthew Broderick talking about aliens: Hit record on your DVR immediately!
Everybody have a good summer! We'll be back at you soon enough.
-----
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Celtics 96 Heat 86 - Celtics win series 4-1
6 Thoughts
1) Well, that will do it. Miami played tough, showed grit, got down 21 in the third quarter and battled back to within 3 in the fourth quarter, but in the end the Celtics were a better team than Miami. Bigger, stronger, more good players. It's been a long, long season. Let's do what we do one last time...
2) Okay, we don't want to be all weepy, but we have to say it one more time for two guys. Dwyane Wade - he was great again, 31 points, 10 assists, and 8 rebounds. But he was just "normal great," not "mind-bendingly great," and in this series "normal great" was not enough. Don't know if Dwyane will be here next year, or somewhere else, but either way, he is almost certainly going to be playing with players who can give him more help than he received this year. He's got two, three more years at his peak, probably - it would be nice to see him get to make one more championship run. Always love Dwyane Wade, no matter where he is playing.
3) The other guy, of course, Udonis Haslem. If the Heat were like, "look, we could sign someone better and win more games, or we can re-sign Udonis and not be as good," I'm probably going for the "Udonis-not-as-good" option. As the season wound down, it has become clear to me that he is my favorite basketball player of all-time, for the reasons cited over and over in this blog. Beyond that, he's not just from Miami; he is Miami. We have Hispanic guys in Miami - that's one thing; we've got black dudes in Miami - that's UD; and we have white guys in Miami - mostly old Jews. I mean, that's just how we do it! And, by the way, it's the coolest city ever - partially because we have all different types of dudes. It's like this for UD, though: Dwyane Wade belongs to basketball fans everywhere; Udonis belongs to Miami. To see him come here in another team's uniform will be heartbreaking - I might have to skip that game. Frankly, it seems almost pointless to play a season if we don't have him. But I guess that's how life is. Doesn't seem fair, though...
4) Don't even want to be negative, but Mike Beasley didn't get to play in the second half. He earned his way off the court with a terrible first half with 2 points in 14 aimless minutes. Also, sported maybe the worst set of braids in the history of black people - a sort-of modified-Chris-Bosh-bunched-on-top-spilling-loose-in-back abomination. M.Minutos and I spent a good 8 minutes debating whether it was a mistake where he started to take the braids out, and then messed it up, and just had to leave it, or whether it was on purpose. In the end, I had to defer to her braiding expertise - she decided it was deliberate. If you are Coach Spo, and you get on the team bus for the ride to the arena, and you see that - you just have to shake your head. Not sure thinking up and executing that hairdo was a really focused use of time. If you were giving grades for the season, Mike probably earned a D-. I mean, he made it to all the games, he didn't get kicked off the team, so we should probably pass him. But if you gave him an F, it would be tough to argue. He is so passive - just hasn't learned to play with force - as M.Minutos pointed out, that's a problem, because the description is right there in the name of his position: he's a power forward...There have been a lot of rumors over the past week that Miami will try to trade Mike - hard - into someone else's cap space at the end of the season. That is, essentially just give him to another team - maybe even with a future first round pick as a sweetener - so they are not obligated to the 5 million he is due next season. If they do that, they will have the most salary cap room in the NBA this offseason - they would be able to sign Wade, two other maximum salary guys, and still have 6 million left over. Trading Mike and signing two max players isn't likely - but I guess it is worth a try. Hang in there, Mike. Try to get your mind right, hopefully with a fresh start somewhere new. I'll be rooting for you.
5) To end the season, we thought we would do some quick word associations with M.Minutos. By the way, we woke her up to do this. Some explanations in parentheses.
Jax: "Carlos Arroyo, rolling the 'r's'"
Eric Reid: "loyal" (freaky - same word flashed into my mind)
Tony Fiorentino: "Sacramento" (the one place he seems to despise)
Jermaine O'Neal: "number 7" (classic halftime piece early in the season when Jermaino explained that once, when he changed numbers, 'people' couldn't get used to him wearing a new number - in Casa Dos, earned the obligatory "and by 'people,' he means 'Jermaine O'Neal'" comment; a few days later, another Heat player, I forgot who, was explaining how weird it is when a guy changes numbers, and says, "like when Jermaine O'Neal changed numbers, I just couldn't get used to it;" Jermaino won't be back next year, and it was weird having him on the Heat for a season and a half - but he did what he could...Good luck, Jermaino!)
Quentin Richardson: "The Pres"
Coach Spoelstra: "he doesn't have any personality outside of the Heat" (by the way, M.Minutos meant that as a vague compliment, not a criticism at all)
Dorell Wright: "penis" (hey - he put it on the intra-net)
Joel Anthony: "natural butterfingers" (literally - literally - there have been hundreds of variations of this joke told in Casa Dos over the past two season: "that would have been a great pass, Dwyane, if you hadn't thrown it to a guy who naturally secretes butter out of his pores")
Mike Beasley: "the fro lives!" (Eric Reid's exclamation on a thunderous Mike Beasley follow-dunk during the one game this year he let the hair out - also the one game O. and P.Minutos attended this season)
Emcee Chalmers: "fouling"
Udonis Haslem: "Mr. Heat"
Dwyane Wade: "Flash"
6) No jokes, or long, gay signoffs. Basketball is huge in Casa Dos - we all love it. I mean, we all love it, if you completely exclude P.Minutos, who plays his own little league hoop games with the general intensity of an almost-6-year-old who could absolutely care less about organized sports of any kind. Or, Mike Beasley. But, besides that, everyone loves it. If you took the time to check this out once in a while, that kind of makes you family. But, like, don't come to my house without advance warning, or anything. Thanks to everyone who read, and especially everyone who took the time to write back at us. Always funny - and somewhat creepy - to realize quite a few people were reading this every game. May be back next year, may not. Don't know.
-----
Keep your minds right.
-----
1) Well, that will do it. Miami played tough, showed grit, got down 21 in the third quarter and battled back to within 3 in the fourth quarter, but in the end the Celtics were a better team than Miami. Bigger, stronger, more good players. It's been a long, long season. Let's do what we do one last time...
2) Okay, we don't want to be all weepy, but we have to say it one more time for two guys. Dwyane Wade - he was great again, 31 points, 10 assists, and 8 rebounds. But he was just "normal great," not "mind-bendingly great," and in this series "normal great" was not enough. Don't know if Dwyane will be here next year, or somewhere else, but either way, he is almost certainly going to be playing with players who can give him more help than he received this year. He's got two, three more years at his peak, probably - it would be nice to see him get to make one more championship run. Always love Dwyane Wade, no matter where he is playing.
3) The other guy, of course, Udonis Haslem. If the Heat were like, "look, we could sign someone better and win more games, or we can re-sign Udonis and not be as good," I'm probably going for the "Udonis-not-as-good" option. As the season wound down, it has become clear to me that he is my favorite basketball player of all-time, for the reasons cited over and over in this blog. Beyond that, he's not just from Miami; he is Miami. We have Hispanic guys in Miami - that's one thing; we've got black dudes in Miami - that's UD; and we have white guys in Miami - mostly old Jews. I mean, that's just how we do it! And, by the way, it's the coolest city ever - partially because we have all different types of dudes. It's like this for UD, though: Dwyane Wade belongs to basketball fans everywhere; Udonis belongs to Miami. To see him come here in another team's uniform will be heartbreaking - I might have to skip that game. Frankly, it seems almost pointless to play a season if we don't have him. But I guess that's how life is. Doesn't seem fair, though...
4) Don't even want to be negative, but Mike Beasley didn't get to play in the second half. He earned his way off the court with a terrible first half with 2 points in 14 aimless minutes. Also, sported maybe the worst set of braids in the history of black people - a sort-of modified-Chris-Bosh-bunched-on-top-spilling-loose-in-back abomination. M.Minutos and I spent a good 8 minutes debating whether it was a mistake where he started to take the braids out, and then messed it up, and just had to leave it, or whether it was on purpose. In the end, I had to defer to her braiding expertise - she decided it was deliberate. If you are Coach Spo, and you get on the team bus for the ride to the arena, and you see that - you just have to shake your head. Not sure thinking up and executing that hairdo was a really focused use of time. If you were giving grades for the season, Mike probably earned a D-. I mean, he made it to all the games, he didn't get kicked off the team, so we should probably pass him. But if you gave him an F, it would be tough to argue. He is so passive - just hasn't learned to play with force - as M.Minutos pointed out, that's a problem, because the description is right there in the name of his position: he's a power forward...There have been a lot of rumors over the past week that Miami will try to trade Mike - hard - into someone else's cap space at the end of the season. That is, essentially just give him to another team - maybe even with a future first round pick as a sweetener - so they are not obligated to the 5 million he is due next season. If they do that, they will have the most salary cap room in the NBA this offseason - they would be able to sign Wade, two other maximum salary guys, and still have 6 million left over. Trading Mike and signing two max players isn't likely - but I guess it is worth a try. Hang in there, Mike. Try to get your mind right, hopefully with a fresh start somewhere new. I'll be rooting for you.
5) To end the season, we thought we would do some quick word associations with M.Minutos. By the way, we woke her up to do this. Some explanations in parentheses.
Jax: "Carlos Arroyo, rolling the 'r's'"
Eric Reid: "loyal" (freaky - same word flashed into my mind)
Tony Fiorentino: "Sacramento" (the one place he seems to despise)
Jermaine O'Neal: "number 7" (classic halftime piece early in the season when Jermaino explained that once, when he changed numbers, 'people' couldn't get used to him wearing a new number - in Casa Dos, earned the obligatory "and by 'people,' he means 'Jermaine O'Neal'" comment; a few days later, another Heat player, I forgot who, was explaining how weird it is when a guy changes numbers, and says, "like when Jermaine O'Neal changed numbers, I just couldn't get used to it;" Jermaino won't be back next year, and it was weird having him on the Heat for a season and a half - but he did what he could...Good luck, Jermaino!)
Quentin Richardson: "The Pres"
Coach Spoelstra: "he doesn't have any personality outside of the Heat" (by the way, M.Minutos meant that as a vague compliment, not a criticism at all)
Dorell Wright: "penis" (hey - he put it on the intra-net)
Joel Anthony: "natural butterfingers" (literally - literally - there have been hundreds of variations of this joke told in Casa Dos over the past two season: "that would have been a great pass, Dwyane, if you hadn't thrown it to a guy who naturally secretes butter out of his pores")
Mike Beasley: "the fro lives!" (Eric Reid's exclamation on a thunderous Mike Beasley follow-dunk during the one game this year he let the hair out - also the one game O. and P.Minutos attended this season)
Emcee Chalmers: "fouling"
Udonis Haslem: "Mr. Heat"
Dwyane Wade: "Flash"
6) No jokes, or long, gay signoffs. Basketball is huge in Casa Dos - we all love it. I mean, we all love it, if you completely exclude P.Minutos, who plays his own little league hoop games with the general intensity of an almost-6-year-old who could absolutely care less about organized sports of any kind. Or, Mike Beasley. But, besides that, everyone loves it. If you took the time to check this out once in a while, that kind of makes you family. But, like, don't come to my house without advance warning, or anything. Thanks to everyone who read, and especially everyone who took the time to write back at us. Always funny - and somewhat creepy - to realize quite a few people were reading this every game. May be back next year, may not. Don't know.
-----
Keep your minds right.
-----
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Heat 101 Celtics 92 - Celtics lead 3-1
6 Thoughts
1) Whoops, have to push back those vacations plans a couple more nights. Does it really mean anything to win a game down 0-3? Not really, no. The Heat are still going to lose the series. But tell it to Dwyane Wade...
2)...because he was ridiculous. If this ends up being his last game ever in Miami, at least playing for the Heat, he went out with one of his best: 46 points on 16-24 from the floor, including 5-7 threes. Hit 3 threes in the first three minutes of the fourth quarter to turn a six point deficit into a Heat lead - it was jussssst about time to pack up the gym bags for the season, and he went bananas. In Casa Minutos, the gym bags had already been packed, and loaded on to the team bus, and I was taking a snooze in the back, back seat (you know, where the cool kids sit) - but when Wade made his fourth three of the quarter, and went past 40 points, even I got sucked back in - it would have been a shame to lose a game in which DWade played so well, and tried so hard, even when it didn't really, really matter. "I think they ought to try to re-sign this guy," ABC broadcaster Jeff Van Gundy chuckled during the Wade outburst, "I almost stormed the court myself after that last three."
3) It was almost certainly the last Heat game in Miami for The President, Quentin Richardson. Eventful first quarter for Q: 3 triples, 13 points, and one argument with his nemesis Paul Pierce. Pres finished with 20 for the game. Few guys on the short stint have been as popular in Miami as The Pres. Eric Murdoch had the famous "throat slit" during his one playoff run against the Knicks - that was good; Lamar Odom was solid in his year, but not lovable; the first Skip Alston run was fun - but Quentin probably surpassed them all. He came from nowhere to be a productive shooter and defender for this team, as well as a hype man for fellow Chicagoan Wade. At this time last year, it was more likely that Quentin Richardson would be out of the league right now than a starter on a 5th seed in the playoffs. When the Heat acquired him this offseason, no one believed in him - except me. We've had a good run together, you and I, QRich. I'll always love you.
4) The Heat are now 2-0 this season in games in which Mike Beasley is wandering around the basket area late in the fourth quarter and an airball happens to come right to him, and he puts it in the bucket for the biggest hoop of the game. First there was the early season win over Orlando, and then today's reverse layup flip that steadied the Heat cause during Boston's last run. 15 and 5 for Supercool. I think I have written more about Jim Buckets than all other Heat players combined this year. He's that kind of guy. I wish him all the best, but ideally, on another team - unfortunately, he'll probably be back if only because he has absolutely zero trade value around the league. Don't take it personal, though, Mike - I'll always love you, too. You may be a mess up, but you're kind of our mess up. By the way, picking you in the draft two years ago instead of Brook Lopez or Russell Westbrook probably killed the franchise...
5) Best play of the game: In the second quarter when Emcee Chalmers pushed the ball up the court in transition, while Beasley sprinted the wing with Big Baby Davis in hot pursuit. A step or two inside the three point line, Baby suddenly got his feet tangled and, going full speed, had all 6'8", 330 pounds of him crash to the floor, and careen forward in a crazy body roll that approximated what it would look like if you pushed a (full) oil drum off of a cliff, while Emcee flipped the ball up in the air and Beas power dunked it. Anytime a fat man hits the floor going full speed and rolls that far, let's be honest - it's going to be the play of the game, even if it doesn't result in a crushing dunk.
6) So, went out a comedy show tonight at the Broward County Hard Rock - Jim Gaffigan. He's a pasty, tame white guy who tells jokes about Hot Pockets. You would recognize him if you saw him. More importantly, probably our favorite Dos reader, Rick, was amongst our group, and he had two requests: One, could he have a "Minutos" name? Yes, I guess he can - from now on we are going to call him R.Minutos. He's our favorite reader, after all. Two, R.Minutos is, ummmm, newly single, and he was explaining dating life on the "single adult circuit," to another friend, E, and myself - important, because E and I decided we should each take the summer off from our marriages and be single ourselves. Anyways, R.Minutos asked me to please, please tell the following story in the blog - he claims it helps him gets girls. We are happy to take requests here - I'm just going to paraphrase it in his words, as he told it to E and me: "So, I have this friend who is an extremely wealthy bond trader, literally worth hundreds of millions of dollars. A couple of years ago, a bunch of us, including him, had to go to New York City for a bachelor's party. He owns a plane, so he flew all of us up on the plane, and we bring the bachelor out to a really nice strip club in New York City, but not Scores...What?...No, not Scores...I don't know, what's the difference?...Just not Scores, okay?...So, our friend, he goes up to the manager, and tells him he wants to take the club over immediately, throw the best bachelor party ever, have the hottest women, and all that kind of thing [editor's note: this seems like something you should plan out in advance]. So the manager clears out this back room, and my friend gives him, literally, fifty thousand dollars, which the manager changes in to funny money, and gives each of us five thousand - that's a lot of lap dances...So all the hottest girls in the club are dancing for us, and we are showering them with funny money, until finally I notice one guy sitting off in the corner of the room, a guy not with us, and he has one dancer with him, but like a day-time shift dancer, if you know what I mean. And a little while later the waitress comes over, and says, 'that gentleman was having some of these girls dance for him, and he would appreciate it if you sent them back,' and I was drunk and hyped up, so I tell the waitress to go back over there and tell him to f-off, which she does. So this guy, upon hearing the news, gets up and walks over into the middle of our party - Jesus, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme! So, he's like, That's not cool, these girls were dancing for me, and I'm like, How much did you pay them, and he's like, Five hundred each, and I look at the girl straddling me, and I'm like, Here's $1500 to tell Miyagi here to get lost! I mean, I'm way drunk. And Van Damme is like, Look, man, I don't want any trouble, and I'm like, Well, it looks like you found some anyways, and he sneers at us, and my group kind of calls him a couple of Chinese slurs - just 'cause the whole karate thing, you know - and he f-bombs us back, and so I get up off the couch and kind of step to him - by the way, he's about 5'4" - and he suddenly swings a back kick at me which, due to my recent boxing training, I'm able to "wax off" and block. At this point, the bouncers all rush in and grab Van Damme, and with a slight struggle, hustle him out of there. I go to sit down, still amp'd up, and sit right on something hard - I reach down and it is Van Damme's shoe - it flew off when I blocked his kick! So, now, I have Van Damme's shoe sitting on my mantle at home as a souvenir. When girls see that, and hear the story? I'm telling you, man, you don't even want to know what can go down at that point..."
Dos comments: I am pretty sure Miyagi was Japanese, not Chinese...
-----
Well, unexpectedly, we'll see you Tuesday night - one more time. We'll see if R.Minutos has any more romantic stories that he'd like me to tell - ladies, I can probably get you a date if you email me at the blog here, but please, please, I can't emphasize this enough, only do so if you're hot!
-----
1) Whoops, have to push back those vacations plans a couple more nights. Does it really mean anything to win a game down 0-3? Not really, no. The Heat are still going to lose the series. But tell it to Dwyane Wade...
2)...because he was ridiculous. If this ends up being his last game ever in Miami, at least playing for the Heat, he went out with one of his best: 46 points on 16-24 from the floor, including 5-7 threes. Hit 3 threes in the first three minutes of the fourth quarter to turn a six point deficit into a Heat lead - it was jussssst about time to pack up the gym bags for the season, and he went bananas. In Casa Minutos, the gym bags had already been packed, and loaded on to the team bus, and I was taking a snooze in the back, back seat (you know, where the cool kids sit) - but when Wade made his fourth three of the quarter, and went past 40 points, even I got sucked back in - it would have been a shame to lose a game in which DWade played so well, and tried so hard, even when it didn't really, really matter. "I think they ought to try to re-sign this guy," ABC broadcaster Jeff Van Gundy chuckled during the Wade outburst, "I almost stormed the court myself after that last three."
3) It was almost certainly the last Heat game in Miami for The President, Quentin Richardson. Eventful first quarter for Q: 3 triples, 13 points, and one argument with his nemesis Paul Pierce. Pres finished with 20 for the game. Few guys on the short stint have been as popular in Miami as The Pres. Eric Murdoch had the famous "throat slit" during his one playoff run against the Knicks - that was good; Lamar Odom was solid in his year, but not lovable; the first Skip Alston run was fun - but Quentin probably surpassed them all. He came from nowhere to be a productive shooter and defender for this team, as well as a hype man for fellow Chicagoan Wade. At this time last year, it was more likely that Quentin Richardson would be out of the league right now than a starter on a 5th seed in the playoffs. When the Heat acquired him this offseason, no one believed in him - except me. We've had a good run together, you and I, QRich. I'll always love you.
4) The Heat are now 2-0 this season in games in which Mike Beasley is wandering around the basket area late in the fourth quarter and an airball happens to come right to him, and he puts it in the bucket for the biggest hoop of the game. First there was the early season win over Orlando, and then today's reverse layup flip that steadied the Heat cause during Boston's last run. 15 and 5 for Supercool. I think I have written more about Jim Buckets than all other Heat players combined this year. He's that kind of guy. I wish him all the best, but ideally, on another team - unfortunately, he'll probably be back if only because he has absolutely zero trade value around the league. Don't take it personal, though, Mike - I'll always love you, too. You may be a mess up, but you're kind of our mess up. By the way, picking you in the draft two years ago instead of Brook Lopez or Russell Westbrook probably killed the franchise...
5) Best play of the game: In the second quarter when Emcee Chalmers pushed the ball up the court in transition, while Beasley sprinted the wing with Big Baby Davis in hot pursuit. A step or two inside the three point line, Baby suddenly got his feet tangled and, going full speed, had all 6'8", 330 pounds of him crash to the floor, and careen forward in a crazy body roll that approximated what it would look like if you pushed a (full) oil drum off of a cliff, while Emcee flipped the ball up in the air and Beas power dunked it. Anytime a fat man hits the floor going full speed and rolls that far, let's be honest - it's going to be the play of the game, even if it doesn't result in a crushing dunk.
6) So, went out a comedy show tonight at the Broward County Hard Rock - Jim Gaffigan. He's a pasty, tame white guy who tells jokes about Hot Pockets. You would recognize him if you saw him. More importantly, probably our favorite Dos reader, Rick, was amongst our group, and he had two requests: One, could he have a "Minutos" name? Yes, I guess he can - from now on we are going to call him R.Minutos. He's our favorite reader, after all. Two, R.Minutos is, ummmm, newly single, and he was explaining dating life on the "single adult circuit," to another friend, E, and myself - important, because E and I decided we should each take the summer off from our marriages and be single ourselves. Anyways, R.Minutos asked me to please, please tell the following story in the blog - he claims it helps him gets girls. We are happy to take requests here - I'm just going to paraphrase it in his words, as he told it to E and me: "So, I have this friend who is an extremely wealthy bond trader, literally worth hundreds of millions of dollars. A couple of years ago, a bunch of us, including him, had to go to New York City for a bachelor's party. He owns a plane, so he flew all of us up on the plane, and we bring the bachelor out to a really nice strip club in New York City, but not Scores...What?...No, not Scores...I don't know, what's the difference?...Just not Scores, okay?...So, our friend, he goes up to the manager, and tells him he wants to take the club over immediately, throw the best bachelor party ever, have the hottest women, and all that kind of thing [editor's note: this seems like something you should plan out in advance]. So the manager clears out this back room, and my friend gives him, literally, fifty thousand dollars, which the manager changes in to funny money, and gives each of us five thousand - that's a lot of lap dances...So all the hottest girls in the club are dancing for us, and we are showering them with funny money, until finally I notice one guy sitting off in the corner of the room, a guy not with us, and he has one dancer with him, but like a day-time shift dancer, if you know what I mean. And a little while later the waitress comes over, and says, 'that gentleman was having some of these girls dance for him, and he would appreciate it if you sent them back,' and I was drunk and hyped up, so I tell the waitress to go back over there and tell him to f-off, which she does. So this guy, upon hearing the news, gets up and walks over into the middle of our party - Jesus, it's Jean-Claude Van Damme! So, he's like, That's not cool, these girls were dancing for me, and I'm like, How much did you pay them, and he's like, Five hundred each, and I look at the girl straddling me, and I'm like, Here's $1500 to tell Miyagi here to get lost! I mean, I'm way drunk. And Van Damme is like, Look, man, I don't want any trouble, and I'm like, Well, it looks like you found some anyways, and he sneers at us, and my group kind of calls him a couple of Chinese slurs - just 'cause the whole karate thing, you know - and he f-bombs us back, and so I get up off the couch and kind of step to him - by the way, he's about 5'4" - and he suddenly swings a back kick at me which, due to my recent boxing training, I'm able to "wax off" and block. At this point, the bouncers all rush in and grab Van Damme, and with a slight struggle, hustle him out of there. I go to sit down, still amp'd up, and sit right on something hard - I reach down and it is Van Damme's shoe - it flew off when I blocked his kick! So, now, I have Van Damme's shoe sitting on my mantle at home as a souvenir. When girls see that, and hear the story? I'm telling you, man, you don't even want to know what can go down at that point..."
Dos comments: I am pretty sure Miyagi was Japanese, not Chinese...
-----
Well, unexpectedly, we'll see you Tuesday night - one more time. We'll see if R.Minutos has any more romantic stories that he'd like me to tell - ladies, I can probably get you a date if you email me at the blog here, but please, please, I can't emphasize this enough, only do so if you're hot!
-----
Friday, April 23, 2010
Celtics 100 Heat 98 - Celtics lead 3-0
6 Thoughts
1) Make or miss league, example # 678: Tied with 30 seconds to go, hobbled by a bad knee and calf, Dwyane Wade ran the shot clock down as far as he could, and launched a 3 over the top with 11 seconds to go - no good. The Celtics called timeout, and Paul Pierce dribbled the clock to .5, took his patented step back jumper with Dorell Wright hanging all over him, buzzer off, lights on - good. Ballgame. Series. Wade and Haslem Era. Make or miss league - always, always a make or miss league.
2) Look, there will be a game Sunday, but, of course, no team has ever come back from a 3-0 defict in the NBA. Down 3-0 is the worst - I'd rather lose and get it over with, frankly. And it is unclear if Wade will be able to play - he had to be carried off the court (by the Big Cat, Jamal Magloire) after his missed 3 with 11 seconds left. Either way, this may have been the last meaningful game Dwyane ever plays for Miami. He was great: 34 points, 8 assists, 5 rebounds, 2 steals, 2 assists. He was heroic. He has always been heroic. He was the best player this franchise ever had. It has been great to watch him play 500 or so games - just fantastic. Thanks, Dwyane. Was that too gay? Sorry...
3) Both teams played really, really well - it was a good game, both teams played hard. Pierce was huge, Ray Allen was huge, and even Kevin Garnett dragged his bad leg around to make several big jumpers down the stretch. For Miami - shockingly - it was the kids. Dorell Wright was big-time: 15 points, 5 assists, and 4 rebounds in 31 minutes. He deserved better than Pierce hitting the game-winner over him. Two huge threes, and three big free throws down the stretch for Dorell, including an absolute nut-up triple from the right wing with a minute to go to tie the game, matching a potential dagger three by Pierce on the preceding trip. Emcee Chalmers battled his way to a feisty 10 points. And Mike Beasley. Mike Beasley. He's been bad for two months. Bad. Very, very bad. Tonight he was bad for three quarters. But at the beginning of the 4th quarter, with the Heat down 9, and looking ready to roll over, and Dwyane Wade on the bench, Mike made four jumpers in a row. Got the Heat back in the game. Kind of single-handedly. 16 and 6 tonight on 7-11 for SuperCool. Does it absolve him of the last two months? No. But at least he can go out on a good note for the year. Good job, Mike! Love you, kid. Please find another team for next year, though.
4) Oh, Jermaino. Jermaine O'Neal. Here were his three playoff games: 3-14, 8 points; 1-10, 2 points; 1-7, 2 points. That's a combined 5-31, for 12 points in the 3 games. By the way, he's the Heat's second best player. My goodness. This team won 47 games - now do you understand how good Dwyane Wade is? Coach Spo gave up on Jermaino tonight - played him only 19 minutes. Had JO played well in this series, a contender signs him next year for 2 years, 12 million. Now I bet he gets 1 year with an option at about 4 million guaranteed. That's a lot of cash he lost over the past week. Somehow it never seemed real that Jermaino was on the Heat - now, essentially, he is not. Can't say I loved the Jermaino Era. I mean, except for the name "Jermaino."
5) NBA Commissioner David Stern was at the game, and spent halftime with Jax in the Sunsport Lounge. I have a very love-hate type of relationship with Mr. Stern. First of all, he is Jewish; I'm half-Jewish. Good to feel like we are still running things. On the other hand, he is a completely disingenuous human being, for whom I have little respect. He has the last two days complaining about and fining Lakers coach Phil Jackson, Orlando coach Stan Van Gundy, and semi-conscious and overweight Celtic forward Rasheed Wallace. $35,000 each for complaining - very mildly in all three cases, by the way - about refereeing. Stern took exception to expressed concerns that referees may be influenced by crowds, or may give stars calls, or may have interpersonal agendas from time to time which affects the outcome of a given game. Stern's contention - and it is always his contention - is that none of these things is even remotely possible. Incidentally, in the last couple of years we have had one referee busted - while active in the league - for betting on NBA games (he just got released from prison, by the way); and another referee challenge Spur star Tim Duncan to a physical fight - during a game - get fired, and then re-hired after the season. Stern isn't an idiot - so to claim that the refereeing situation is good - no, flawless - that's patently disingenuous, and frankly, I find it insulting to my intelligence, and to the intelligence of all fans. Now he is threatening to suspend coaches and players who complain about refereeing. Whoops - my bad - forgot this was Amerika! No freedom of speech (or parking) allowed! In any case, it made me sick to watch Jax treating him like a welcome guest in The SS Lounge - the guy is a liar. I don't care how rich he is, or what his job is, or even how Jewish he is - he's kind of a piece of crap dude. It isn't a nice thing to say about someone, but he has kind of earned it. Which just makes the league even more fun, by the way - emotion is always good!
6) Right on, so we'll probably watch the game Sunday, although there is nothing more meaningless than an 0-3 game. Blog will probably focus on off-season scenarios and, hopefully, a big night out with M.Minutos, Thor, and several other Dos luminaries Sunday night to see a comedy show at the Hard Rock. More on that Sunday. So we want to take this # 6 to say "hey" to everyone that read the blog this year. It seemed like a lot more people than last year, which I guess is good; but you didn't always seem smarter than last year! Just kidding. We had many people tell us Dwyane Wade stinks, and many people tell us Coach Spo stinks. Neither of those assertions are accurate. If you watched this series so far, you now can see that those two guys won 47 games with exactly one NBA-level starter. We also had one guy blame us for his troubled relationship, and vow to stop reading the blog - that was definitely the funniest reader we had this year! We had one reader send us a really nice email late in the year telling us that he waits until noon the day after the game to read the blog, because it makes for an enjoyable lunch time - that was super-cool in the gayest way possible, because I do that with other peoples' blogs! We had one dude ask us if I might be interested in investigating ways to try to "monetize the blog" - I think he means sell advertising on it to make money. Yes, we would, but only if it involves pornography. We had a couple of dudes ask us if I would write articles for their various blogs - that seemed like they were really desperate. I mean, I think my only contribution to the Heat literary legacy was figuring out that Jermaine O'Neal should be called Jermaino - which, admittedly, is pretty big. I went through a major, major depression from November through January - kind of like a mid-life crisis, for no reason, broke out of it, only to have Mike Beasley, after a good start while I was depressed, suddenly slip in to a (second) early-life crisis. That was weird. I think only one of us can be happy at a time. For the second straight year, the most important reader was M.Minutos, because all of it was really only to make her laugh. Every morning she wakes up and while we are all eating our Hostess breakfast donuts and drinking mimosas, she reads the blog and laughs. Even when it isn't funny, which is most of the time. She is the best M.Minutos ever. This is a good time to mention that we probably won't have this blog next year. I really want to write these three books - I can actually write, like, normal, too - and it seems like this blog thing, with its instant-gratification, short-news-bite, free type of format is destined to die out and give way to long-form, complex, hard-cover, expensive reading in the very near future, and I'd like to be in on the ground floor of that. One book is my fake memoirs - it is about a third done. Some of you readers are in that, although it is a fake memoir, so the stuff you do isn't usually stuff you really did. Doesn't always put you in the best light, either - sorry about that. I'll change the names, I guess, but I am sure everyone you know will still recognize you...Then of course we are having the classic "Mennonite forbidden-love story" set in Belize - we've said this before, but it is like From Here to Eternity crossed with a Graham Greene novel. And, finally, for our history graduate program we are going to write some kind of definitive history about 1950s Miami. So we have a lot on our plate - you can look for all those at your bookstore sometime in the future - if they still have bookstores, that is. I mean, don't get me wrong, if we get Dwyane back, with LeBron and Chris Bosh, we'll be writing this blog like it's the New York Times, but failing that...
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See you Sunday, sort of. Look at the bright side - you'll probably never have to look at this stupid blog after that! Time to celebrate!
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1) Make or miss league, example # 678: Tied with 30 seconds to go, hobbled by a bad knee and calf, Dwyane Wade ran the shot clock down as far as he could, and launched a 3 over the top with 11 seconds to go - no good. The Celtics called timeout, and Paul Pierce dribbled the clock to .5, took his patented step back jumper with Dorell Wright hanging all over him, buzzer off, lights on - good. Ballgame. Series. Wade and Haslem Era. Make or miss league - always, always a make or miss league.
2) Look, there will be a game Sunday, but, of course, no team has ever come back from a 3-0 defict in the NBA. Down 3-0 is the worst - I'd rather lose and get it over with, frankly. And it is unclear if Wade will be able to play - he had to be carried off the court (by the Big Cat, Jamal Magloire) after his missed 3 with 11 seconds left. Either way, this may have been the last meaningful game Dwyane ever plays for Miami. He was great: 34 points, 8 assists, 5 rebounds, 2 steals, 2 assists. He was heroic. He has always been heroic. He was the best player this franchise ever had. It has been great to watch him play 500 or so games - just fantastic. Thanks, Dwyane. Was that too gay? Sorry...
3) Both teams played really, really well - it was a good game, both teams played hard. Pierce was huge, Ray Allen was huge, and even Kevin Garnett dragged his bad leg around to make several big jumpers down the stretch. For Miami - shockingly - it was the kids. Dorell Wright was big-time: 15 points, 5 assists, and 4 rebounds in 31 minutes. He deserved better than Pierce hitting the game-winner over him. Two huge threes, and three big free throws down the stretch for Dorell, including an absolute nut-up triple from the right wing with a minute to go to tie the game, matching a potential dagger three by Pierce on the preceding trip. Emcee Chalmers battled his way to a feisty 10 points. And Mike Beasley. Mike Beasley. He's been bad for two months. Bad. Very, very bad. Tonight he was bad for three quarters. But at the beginning of the 4th quarter, with the Heat down 9, and looking ready to roll over, and Dwyane Wade on the bench, Mike made four jumpers in a row. Got the Heat back in the game. Kind of single-handedly. 16 and 6 tonight on 7-11 for SuperCool. Does it absolve him of the last two months? No. But at least he can go out on a good note for the year. Good job, Mike! Love you, kid. Please find another team for next year, though.
4) Oh, Jermaino. Jermaine O'Neal. Here were his three playoff games: 3-14, 8 points; 1-10, 2 points; 1-7, 2 points. That's a combined 5-31, for 12 points in the 3 games. By the way, he's the Heat's second best player. My goodness. This team won 47 games - now do you understand how good Dwyane Wade is? Coach Spo gave up on Jermaino tonight - played him only 19 minutes. Had JO played well in this series, a contender signs him next year for 2 years, 12 million. Now I bet he gets 1 year with an option at about 4 million guaranteed. That's a lot of cash he lost over the past week. Somehow it never seemed real that Jermaino was on the Heat - now, essentially, he is not. Can't say I loved the Jermaino Era. I mean, except for the name "Jermaino."
5) NBA Commissioner David Stern was at the game, and spent halftime with Jax in the Sunsport Lounge. I have a very love-hate type of relationship with Mr. Stern. First of all, he is Jewish; I'm half-Jewish. Good to feel like we are still running things. On the other hand, he is a completely disingenuous human being, for whom I have little respect. He has the last two days complaining about and fining Lakers coach Phil Jackson, Orlando coach Stan Van Gundy, and semi-conscious and overweight Celtic forward Rasheed Wallace. $35,000 each for complaining - very mildly in all three cases, by the way - about refereeing. Stern took exception to expressed concerns that referees may be influenced by crowds, or may give stars calls, or may have interpersonal agendas from time to time which affects the outcome of a given game. Stern's contention - and it is always his contention - is that none of these things is even remotely possible. Incidentally, in the last couple of years we have had one referee busted - while active in the league - for betting on NBA games (he just got released from prison, by the way); and another referee challenge Spur star Tim Duncan to a physical fight - during a game - get fired, and then re-hired after the season. Stern isn't an idiot - so to claim that the refereeing situation is good - no, flawless - that's patently disingenuous, and frankly, I find it insulting to my intelligence, and to the intelligence of all fans. Now he is threatening to suspend coaches and players who complain about refereeing. Whoops - my bad - forgot this was Amerika! No freedom of speech (or parking) allowed! In any case, it made me sick to watch Jax treating him like a welcome guest in The SS Lounge - the guy is a liar. I don't care how rich he is, or what his job is, or even how Jewish he is - he's kind of a piece of crap dude. It isn't a nice thing to say about someone, but he has kind of earned it. Which just makes the league even more fun, by the way - emotion is always good!
6) Right on, so we'll probably watch the game Sunday, although there is nothing more meaningless than an 0-3 game. Blog will probably focus on off-season scenarios and, hopefully, a big night out with M.Minutos, Thor, and several other Dos luminaries Sunday night to see a comedy show at the Hard Rock. More on that Sunday. So we want to take this # 6 to say "hey" to everyone that read the blog this year. It seemed like a lot more people than last year, which I guess is good; but you didn't always seem smarter than last year! Just kidding. We had many people tell us Dwyane Wade stinks, and many people tell us Coach Spo stinks. Neither of those assertions are accurate. If you watched this series so far, you now can see that those two guys won 47 games with exactly one NBA-level starter. We also had one guy blame us for his troubled relationship, and vow to stop reading the blog - that was definitely the funniest reader we had this year! We had one reader send us a really nice email late in the year telling us that he waits until noon the day after the game to read the blog, because it makes for an enjoyable lunch time - that was super-cool in the gayest way possible, because I do that with other peoples' blogs! We had one dude ask us if I might be interested in investigating ways to try to "monetize the blog" - I think he means sell advertising on it to make money. Yes, we would, but only if it involves pornography. We had a couple of dudes ask us if I would write articles for their various blogs - that seemed like they were really desperate. I mean, I think my only contribution to the Heat literary legacy was figuring out that Jermaine O'Neal should be called Jermaino - which, admittedly, is pretty big. I went through a major, major depression from November through January - kind of like a mid-life crisis, for no reason, broke out of it, only to have Mike Beasley, after a good start while I was depressed, suddenly slip in to a (second) early-life crisis. That was weird. I think only one of us can be happy at a time. For the second straight year, the most important reader was M.Minutos, because all of it was really only to make her laugh. Every morning she wakes up and while we are all eating our Hostess breakfast donuts and drinking mimosas, she reads the blog and laughs. Even when it isn't funny, which is most of the time. She is the best M.Minutos ever. This is a good time to mention that we probably won't have this blog next year. I really want to write these three books - I can actually write, like, normal, too - and it seems like this blog thing, with its instant-gratification, short-news-bite, free type of format is destined to die out and give way to long-form, complex, hard-cover, expensive reading in the very near future, and I'd like to be in on the ground floor of that. One book is my fake memoirs - it is about a third done. Some of you readers are in that, although it is a fake memoir, so the stuff you do isn't usually stuff you really did. Doesn't always put you in the best light, either - sorry about that. I'll change the names, I guess, but I am sure everyone you know will still recognize you...Then of course we are having the classic "Mennonite forbidden-love story" set in Belize - we've said this before, but it is like From Here to Eternity crossed with a Graham Greene novel. And, finally, for our history graduate program we are going to write some kind of definitive history about 1950s Miami. So we have a lot on our plate - you can look for all those at your bookstore sometime in the future - if they still have bookstores, that is. I mean, don't get me wrong, if we get Dwyane back, with LeBron and Chris Bosh, we'll be writing this blog like it's the New York Times, but failing that...
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See you Sunday, sort of. Look at the bright side - you'll probably never have to look at this stupid blog after that! Time to celebrate!
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Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Celtics 106 Heat 77 - Celtics lead 2-0
6 Thoughts
1) That didn't go too well. I blame the New Jersey Nets. I mean, Miami tried to lose to the Nets in the last game of the season, didn't play their three best players, and played the backups to the backups much of the night, and still couldn't lose. Had the Nets not been so terrible, Miami would have been beating Atlanta tonight. Instead? Embarrassing beatdown in Boston to fall behind 2-0 in the series. Damn you, Nets!
2) Problem 1: The Heat can't score against the Celtics. Dwyane Wade can score - he was 11-18 for 29 points. But Jermaine O'Neal, for the second straight game, got absolutely beat up by the Celtic frontline. 1-10 for dos points for Jermaino. He can't get a clean look against Kendrick Perkins. Perkins is bigger, stronger, and quicker. He is a better defender than Jermaino is an offensive player at this point in their respective careers. The Heat's next best option? Well, it's Mike Beasley. Right - exactly. So the Celtics are loading up on Wade, daring anyone else to try to beat them, and no one else on Miami can. Under 80 points in two straight playoff games is, ummm, not good.
3) Problem 2: They are getting shoved around in the paint on the defensive end. With Kevin Garnett out for the evening, courtesy of a one game suspension for an elbow to The Pres Q's head, Baby Davis stepped in and annihilated the Heat down low, camping out in the lane and bullying his way to 23 and 8, while Perkins had 13 and 9. Two minutes into the second half, Davis had shot 10 free throws, Dwyane Wade had shot one; the Celtics had shot 20 as a team, the Heat 4; and Jermaino and Mike Beasley each had four fouls. Was part of that getting home-jobbed a little in a playoff game? Sure - this is the NBA, after all. But more of it was the Heat frontline just getting pushed around by a bigger and stronger Celtic group. I mean, if they are hitting you, and it's not a foul, and you are contesting their shots, and they are called fouls, you might as well hit them harder...That's not really what J.O. and Mike do, though. And that, my friends, is why we didn't want to play the Celtics in Round 1. Again - thanks Nets!
4) In Jax's halftime interview with assistant coach Ron Rothstein, with the Heat well on the way to getting blown out, Rothstein emphasized the need to try to get back in the game "one basket at a time." "One" basket at a time? We scored 76 points in Game 1, and 33 points in the first half of Game 2. We are not scoring "any" baskets at a time! With the Heat down 30 in the third quarter, Eric Reid exclaimed, "Have you ever seen anything like this?" Umm, not since, well, just last year, when the Heat and Atlanta played seven straight blowout games, including the infamous Josh Smith fiasco where he went behind the back and missed a breakaway dunk near the end of a Hawks laugher over the Heat in Atlanta. But, I mean, besides those seven of the last eight playoff games the Heat have played - besides those - no, I have never seen anything like this.
5) Best moment of the game? Besides when it ended, it was probably in the fourth quarter of an absolute blowout, when mercurial Celtic forward Rasheed Wallace, who had already accumulated a technical foul on his way to a disinterested 6 point night, half-heartedly posted up on the block, and was the target of an entry pass from Tony Allen, which he proceeded to watch bounce by him directly out of bounds, making absolutely no effort to catch it whatsoever. Looked at Allen like, "No - I told you don't throw it in here!" Love that Rasheed - watching him is fun all by itself.
6) The downside of the British Empire (for the indigenous people): slavery; exploitation of natural resources; rape; pillaging; forced subservience to a foreign power thousands of miles away with whom your population has nothing in common for hundreds of years; the Beatles, and tea. By the way, after the rape and slavery and, maybe, pillaging, I would say the Beatles are the worst element.
Upside: cricket.
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Okay, Friday night in Miami, we're back. Either Miami defends its home court and makes this a series, or the season is, for all intents and purposes, over. The latter isn't sounding too bad right now - I'm pretty, pretty sick of writing this blog. See you then!
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1) That didn't go too well. I blame the New Jersey Nets. I mean, Miami tried to lose to the Nets in the last game of the season, didn't play their three best players, and played the backups to the backups much of the night, and still couldn't lose. Had the Nets not been so terrible, Miami would have been beating Atlanta tonight. Instead? Embarrassing beatdown in Boston to fall behind 2-0 in the series. Damn you, Nets!
2) Problem 1: The Heat can't score against the Celtics. Dwyane Wade can score - he was 11-18 for 29 points. But Jermaine O'Neal, for the second straight game, got absolutely beat up by the Celtic frontline. 1-10 for dos points for Jermaino. He can't get a clean look against Kendrick Perkins. Perkins is bigger, stronger, and quicker. He is a better defender than Jermaino is an offensive player at this point in their respective careers. The Heat's next best option? Well, it's Mike Beasley. Right - exactly. So the Celtics are loading up on Wade, daring anyone else to try to beat them, and no one else on Miami can. Under 80 points in two straight playoff games is, ummm, not good.
3) Problem 2: They are getting shoved around in the paint on the defensive end. With Kevin Garnett out for the evening, courtesy of a one game suspension for an elbow to The Pres Q's head, Baby Davis stepped in and annihilated the Heat down low, camping out in the lane and bullying his way to 23 and 8, while Perkins had 13 and 9. Two minutes into the second half, Davis had shot 10 free throws, Dwyane Wade had shot one; the Celtics had shot 20 as a team, the Heat 4; and Jermaino and Mike Beasley each had four fouls. Was part of that getting home-jobbed a little in a playoff game? Sure - this is the NBA, after all. But more of it was the Heat frontline just getting pushed around by a bigger and stronger Celtic group. I mean, if they are hitting you, and it's not a foul, and you are contesting their shots, and they are called fouls, you might as well hit them harder...That's not really what J.O. and Mike do, though. And that, my friends, is why we didn't want to play the Celtics in Round 1. Again - thanks Nets!
4) In Jax's halftime interview with assistant coach Ron Rothstein, with the Heat well on the way to getting blown out, Rothstein emphasized the need to try to get back in the game "one basket at a time." "One" basket at a time? We scored 76 points in Game 1, and 33 points in the first half of Game 2. We are not scoring "any" baskets at a time! With the Heat down 30 in the third quarter, Eric Reid exclaimed, "Have you ever seen anything like this?" Umm, not since, well, just last year, when the Heat and Atlanta played seven straight blowout games, including the infamous Josh Smith fiasco where he went behind the back and missed a breakaway dunk near the end of a Hawks laugher over the Heat in Atlanta. But, I mean, besides those seven of the last eight playoff games the Heat have played - besides those - no, I have never seen anything like this.
5) Best moment of the game? Besides when it ended, it was probably in the fourth quarter of an absolute blowout, when mercurial Celtic forward Rasheed Wallace, who had already accumulated a technical foul on his way to a disinterested 6 point night, half-heartedly posted up on the block, and was the target of an entry pass from Tony Allen, which he proceeded to watch bounce by him directly out of bounds, making absolutely no effort to catch it whatsoever. Looked at Allen like, "No - I told you don't throw it in here!" Love that Rasheed - watching him is fun all by itself.
6) The downside of the British Empire (for the indigenous people): slavery; exploitation of natural resources; rape; pillaging; forced subservience to a foreign power thousands of miles away with whom your population has nothing in common for hundreds of years; the Beatles, and tea. By the way, after the rape and slavery and, maybe, pillaging, I would say the Beatles are the worst element.
Upside: cricket.
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Okay, Friday night in Miami, we're back. Either Miami defends its home court and makes this a series, or the season is, for all intents and purposes, over. The latter isn't sounding too bad right now - I'm pretty, pretty sick of writing this blog. See you then!
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