Lockout Is Over!

6 Thoughts

1) Well, he did it.  I don't know how my dad, Pat Riley, snuck in there and ended this lockout for all of us without attracting any attention - that's almost impossible in our twittery-googlish society - but he did it.  We're good to go, with games scheduled to begin on Christmas Day - Miami will be in Dallas, to watch the Mavs receive their rings.  That's brutal - but thanks to tivo I'll never see it, just like I never saw Dallas actually win the title, because I turned the game off a few moments before the final buzzer.  For all I know, the Heat came back and won the championship.  Anyways, we'll have some season-y preview-y stuff as we get closer to starting the games, but for now, here's what you need to know.  C'mon, LeBron James, let's get it...Let's Go!

2) Nothing will really change for Miami this season.  At times during the lockout, there existed the possibility that the new collective bargaining agreement would contain rules which would lead to Miami having to alter the structure of the team, perhaps even having to jettison one of the Big Three.  And by "one of the Big Three," I think we all know I mean, "Chris Bosh."  That didn't happen.  No matter what does happen during the abbreviated free agency period which begins December 9, essentially Miami is going to use the exact same formula they used last year - try to win a title with Dwyane, LeBron, and Bosh providing the bulk of the scoring, rebounding, and defending.  The role players may change some, but championship or no championship is going to come down to those three.  Maybe it works, maybe it doesn't - I don't think you could say it can't work.  They were pretty darn close last year...

3) "Samuel Dalembert" is going to be trending in Miami for the next two to three weeks, until he signs a contract elsewhere.  A lot of people think that this Sacramento King free agent center is going to sign in Miami for the new mid-level exception, like 4 years for 20 million.  I don't think this will happen - I think Sacramento will keep him for more money than Miami can offer.  People seem to think that Dalembert wants to sign in Miami because, one, he has a house in Boca; and two, Miami is closer to his native Haiti than Sacramento.  Half the NBA has a house in South Florida.  And Miami is closer to Haiti than Sacramento, yes.  But there's, like, an ocean in between, and he'll be working during the season - it's not like he's going to be able to pop home for dinner.  He's a solid rebounder and defender - I'm not going to complain if somehow Miami ends up with him - but if Udonis Haslem is back healthy this year, that goes a long way to addressing the front court rotation without having to spend all your available money on Dalembert.  On the other hand, Heat play-by-player Eric Reid is a huge Sam Dalembert fan - never fails to point out how excited the South Florida Haitian community gets whenever Sammy returns to play in Miami!  My former co-worker GD grew up in Haiti - "Hey, GD, how do you feel about Haiti's favorite son, Sam Dalembert, potentially joining the Heat?"  "Sam Dalembert is Haitian?"  So there's that...Also, it would be nice to have a starting center who doesn't naturally ooze dairy products from his pores...

4) Mike Miller put his house on the market a few weeks ago.  It's been assumed for months that there would be an "amnesty clause" in the new CBA, allowing each team to waive one existing player without having that player's remaining salary count against its salary cap.  Miller, who signed a five year deal before last season, had the most injury-plagued season I've ever seen a human being experience: broke one thumb at the beginning of training camp, then the other thumb at the end of the season; in between, suffered back-to-back concussions in a ten day span, sprained his ankle, and suffered a shoulder injury which required post-season shoulder surgery.  If he's healthy, he's a big help - he can shoot, and he rebounds well for a wing.  But last year he was essentially worthless.  Rumors are that Miami let him know weeks ago that they would probably have to amnesty him to free up money to bring in more help, prompting him to put his house up for sale - sweet house, too:

He lives, for some reason, in North Broward, not too far from me.  It's on the market for like nine million dollars - thinking of making a lowball offer of about $370,000, with an escalation clause which could push it north of $400,000.  'Course, if I go over $400K, I'm asking him to pay some of the closing costs.  May not sound like a great offer to him right now, but if he has to pack and move in a hurry to, say, Portland, having an offer already on the table could look pretty sweet.

5) If I had to guess, I think the starting day point guard will be Tracy McGrady.  Yes, that Tracy McGrady - he's still alive!  Sort of!  First, I think Mario Chalmers, who is a restricted free agent, is going to leave.  He had his moments in the Finals last year, and I think he thinks he is good enough to play a bigger role on another team.  I mean, he's not - but he's half-wackadoo, half-unconscious - he doesn't know he's not!  See: Beasley, Mike ("This Dwyane Wade is taking all my shots and holding me back!").  Mike Bibby, while arguably my favorite point guard of all-time, even in his current radically-diminished form, isn't really a viable option - I mean, his season highlight was throwing a towel off the bench while Derrick Rose shot a free throw, possibly causing him to be distracted and miss.  There aren't any good available free agent point guard on-the-ball defenders available, which is really the only thing they need at that spot (since LeBron is the offensive point guard).  They drafted a rookie point guard, Norris Cole, at the top of the second round.  That's a flyer, that's just a prayer - you hope maybe he does something...someday.  So, I think they are going to end up signing grouchy, old, used-up Tracy McGrady to play the point.  He isn't much of a playmaker, his wheels are shot, and even at his peak, his primary skill was bad shot-making, because he either couldn't, or didn't care about, creating good shots - which is not a skill Miami needs at all.  His main two selling points?  He had a decent season for a terrible and depressing Pistons squad last year, and he thinks he is good.  Sounds enticing, I know. I think he starts opening day, with either Bibby, or some other scrap heap veteran backing him up (Jamal Tinsley?  TJ Ford?), and rookie Cole as the emergency third option.  I'm not advocating any of this, I'm just guessing that this is what will happen.  By the way, before free agency last year, I predicted the team would end being Wade, Dalembert, and Andre Iguodala - and I was psyched! - so really, I know nothing. 

6) Bradley Cooper is People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.  This is news?  Ummm, duhhh!!!

Okay, free agency, and training camps, etc, begin December 9th.  We'll try to check in around that time.  If you need me before then, I'll be out buying kayaks and jet skis - M.Miller's house is right on the coolest little inlet ever!!!  Later!

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October/November 2011

"Happy Halloween.  I'm dressed as an aging, hoodie-wearing dad drinking a superstrong cocktail in his thermos while walking his kids around the neighborhood.  How u?"

6 Thoughts

1) The NBA season is scheduled to start tonight, November 1st.  Miami plays the Knicks in The Garden - sweeeeet opener! Stat an' Melo!!! Can't wait!  Oddly, not much steam around the season beginning - it's almost like it isn't starting at all...How u?

2) Okay, so the lockout is still going on - there aren't any talks currently scheduled between the owners and the players, so I'm not gonna lie - it seems unlikely Miami is actually going to play in New York tonight.  That's okay, that's okay, this thing will be settled at some point and we'll get to it.  Sixty percent of the readers of this blog hate basketball anyways.  In lockout news, Heat owner - and, like, owner of Israel - Mickey Arison got fined $500,000 for his tweets over the weekend ripping the other NBA owners, in general, and Clippers' owner Donald Sterling, a notorious turd-ass, specifically.  His rip on Sterling was the best - a fan tweeted at him something like, "Donald Sterling is a notorious turd-ass, right?," and Arison re-tweeted it with an "lol."  Man, that's going to be a little uncomfortable around the NBA Thanksgiving table in a couple of weeks.  Mickey Arison is the coolest owner, ever.  On general principles, I despise The Man, but Mickey is the best.  In fact, in recognition of his coolness, and my respect for him, in this blog henceforth he shall now be referred to only as "Mr. Arison."  Mr. Arison never complains about spending to win; the players all seem to love him; most of the other owners - the ones who aren't turd-asses - seem to love him; and, most of all, he hired my dad, Pat Riley, and has stayed out of his way, allowing pops to build this team to championship level, or near-championship level, three different times in fifteen or so years.  Thank you, Mr. Arison.  Please solve this lockout for your less-cool business partners...

3) Something you can do while the NBA is locked out:  Acquire all the DVDs or downloads of this British police procedural called "Luther" and watch them.  I hate police/legal procedurals, and I love it; M. Minutos loves them, and she double-loves it.  It stars Stringer Bell, from The Wire, and his young partner, English Downey Jr.  Lots of grisly British murders committed by otherwise impeccably-mannered psychopaths.  Full disclosure: half my peeps are from England, and I love pretty much everything about that country, except Monty Python, and the very, very painfully so-hip-that-he-is-extremely-painfully-unhip Ricky Gervais.  Ta. 

4) Someone wrote in to ask how The Captain's Troubled White Man's Beard is doing.  I am happy to report that it is gone.  Yes - it was an awesome beard.  Yes - if given the choice, I might have chosen for him to remain troubled and keep the beard.  However, I am almost equally happy to report that The Captain has been as carefree as a frivolous young English lass lately, and, predictably, clean-shaven.  One of his giddier moments recently occurred when someone complimented a snappy blue and gray shirt and tie combination he was sporting - "very modern," the compliment-giver applauded him.  "Yes - you couldn't get colors like this thirty years ago," The Captain pointed out, somewhat immodestly.  Blue and gray?  Really?  Like, in 1980, you might have been describing the ocean to someone, and you would be like, "It was such a clear blue," and the other person would look at you like you were out of your gourd because "blue" hadn't been invented yet?  Really?  Because I don't remember that at all, I have a somewhat different recollection of the evolution of color description in my lifetime.  Still, though, great to see The Captain on top of his game, and looking more handsome than ever, without the beard.

5) Best email this blog has ever received, from a couple of weeks ago, from long-time reader D.S.  This is the whole, un-doctored email, by the way: 

I once sat in a doctor’s office in Jupiter – in the waiting room was Bryant Gumbel and Brent Musberger – they nodded at each other and never spoke – very strange


6) Best donut: glazed donut.  It's a classic, boiling down the donut to the essential sweet-dough-and-sugar formula; it is pretty tough to mess up; and even if it is a bad glazed donut, it's probably still fairly decent.  Worst donut: Boston Cream Pie donut.  One, it's disgusting; it's totally inedible.  Two, too easy to fuck up - could have too much cream in the middle, or not enough, or could be ill-distributed to one small region of the donut.  Three, it's not even really a donut - it's more of an eclair, which is also disgusting.  You're welcome.  The end.

Now that the season is about to be delayed, I kind of miss it.  But I don't miss having to write eighty-two game blogs!  We'll be back when the lockout ends, if not sooner.  Until then, if you need me, I'll be tweeting at Mr. Arison, trying to see if he can buy the closed Krispy Kreme shop near my office and re-open it.  If anyone can do it, Mr. Arison can.  How u!

September 2011

What is up? Summer is over, fall is here, and the NBA remains stalemated (stalemet?) in a lockout. Training camps and preseason are now in immediate jeopardy, which is good, because both are super-boring. A lot of people have been expressing concern – not really about the lockout itself, because they could care less. They seem to be more concerned about my well-being. I get a lot of questions which basically boil down to “What are you going to do with all the extra free time, loser?” To be honest, probably nothing productive. But tonight we are going to give you six thoughts!  Let's Go!!!

6 Thoughts

1) I am not addicted to Xanax. Yes, I started taking it recently to reduce my anxiety during plane flights, and it worked fairly well. If you have never tried it before, it isn’t nearly as good as marijuana or ecstasy, or most other drugs – you don’t get to that same creamy altered state - but it is definitely better than copious amounts of alcohol, because you don’t have to pee as often. So for flights it works well.   I thought about telling a 9/11 joke here, but it probably isn't appropriate.  Also, I couldn't think of one.  Jesus, I really, really hate flying...

2) You can not will the stigmata in to your body. At least I can’t. I tried, several times, during the summer. Basically I would just lie spread-eagled on my bed, shut my eyes, and try to put my mind in a, umm, stigmatic state. Never worked. Not even too close, really. One time I felt a little scrape on my right ankle, but it was just sand from the beach that O. Minutos had tracked into my bed. Now that I am thinking about it: Is the stigmata good or bad? I’m not too strong on religion, as you know. Like, if a priest gets the stigmata, is he psyched? Bummed? Dead? Not too sure, really. During one of the attempts, M.Minutos asked what I was doing, I told her, and she said, “You realize you’re not even Catholic, right?” Yes – yes, I do. That’s what makes this so difficult…

3) Biggest NBA news of the summer (and it’s not even close): LeBron has finally addressed the many questions about his receding hairline! As readers of this blog know, last season, on numerous occasions, M.Minutos accused LeBron of gradually raising his headband as time went on to disguise his growing forehead. This led to the Casa Minutos game: “Predict which season LeBron will let it go and shave his head.” I still stand by my strong belief that he should have done it before last season – coming to a new team, as a villain (albeit a pretty polite villain, overall), presented the perfect opportunity to get that done. He didn’t, and thus in late August finally had to issue this statement via Twitter:

Had a dream my hairline was back! Woke up and went to bathroom, turned on light slowly. Same old story. Damn! Lol  #wishfulthinking

Besides destroying MVP Derrick Rose in the playoffs, this is the best thing LeBron has done as a member of the Heat! Getting ahead of this story, taking it “head on” with a little bit of humor, shows a reasonable sense of self-awareness and promotional savvy that he seemed to lack all season long.  LeBron is growing up!  And losing his hair in the process!   I have to believe this will free him mentally – maybe this was one of the reasons he wouldn’t go down on the block on offense last year: fear his headband would get knocked off, and he would get exposed. As a fellow balding man, I can appreciate the angst it can create, and know that LeBron will be better for addressing the issue – at a certain point you just have to let it go, and shave it down. Over an 82 game season, three easy playoff series wins, and one excruciating Finals loss, I never really felt LeBron was “one of us.” He still may not be a true “Heat” – but we will definitely accept him into the balding community! Welcome to Baldsville, LeBron – you’re my new favorite player!!! It’s not Dwyane’s team anymore – it’s YOUR team!!! OUR team!!! LET'S GO!!!

4) Whitest People Ever: George Washington, Mark Linn Baker, Tim Tebow, and Rumsfeld...People Who Seem Very White But Are Not: Lincoln (very swarthy; bearded; and wore a top hat and cape, like a sultan); Republican candidate for president, and former CEO of the imaginary ‘Godfather’s Pizza,’ Herman Cain (actually pretty dark-skinned); and Philip Seymour Hoffman (Jewish). [Editor’s note: Now watching the Republican presidential debate. Candidate Cain just proposed that we model the U.S. social security system after Chile’s (the restaurant Chili's? chili the food?). Uh-oh – not sure that’s going to play too well amongst the conservative Republican Teapartiers. I think that next he’s about to come out in favor of Death Panels! Again, this is why black dudes should probably stick to being Democrats.  On the other hand, from what I can tell, he is the only one of these candidates with a definitive plan to do anything about anything, even if it is a plan, possibly, centered on a tomato-and-bean based stew...]

5) New driving game: Wrong Foot Driving. Should be self-explanatory. By the way, this can be very dangerous - only try this if you are R.Minutos.

6) So I was talking to a dude at a party a couple of nights ago, and he’s seen the blog a time or two (or a thousand) and he’s like, “Seriously – what are you doing with all your time since there isn’t any basketball to think about,” and I laughed, and he got a real concerned look on his face and goes, “No – seriously, what are you doing with your time?” And I was, like, “Oh, seriously? I’m watching English Premier League soccer,” and then he thought I was being a pain in the ass, so he just walked away. But, seriously, that’s what I am doing. I had no idea that I liked EPL until this year. O.Minutos, P.Minutos and I got sucked into Copa America, the South American soccer championships, this summer. We watched for three straight weeks on Telemundo and Univision, despite the fact that none of us speaks a word of Spanish. We were drawn to Uruguay, and got on them early – when they ended up winning, and striker Luis Suarez was the tournament’s MVP, we felt Uruguyan – “Ich bin ein Uruguyan!!!” Then we found out Suarez plays for Liverpool in EPL (after leaving the Dutch league, where he was once suspended for biting a guy). Then we found out that the ownership group that owns the Boston Red Sox owns Liverpool – and no one is a more convenient, bandwagon-y Red Sox fan than I am. Then, it turns out that LeBron is an investor in Liverpool – and when LeBron went public with the bald thing, I was two-thirds of the way in! First, I had to make sure that Liverpool wasn’t too douche-y a team to root for: my Scottish friend Scott gave his blessing on that (only negative- turns out the Beatles are from Liverpool). Then I had to figure out the differences between EPL, La Liga, Serie A, and Bundisliga, and what the hell the Champions League is. I think I got that. I had to figure out how to see the Liverpool games – turns out that Fox (Fox! I thought they hate foreigners! Wait- what? Oh, just brown foreigners!) has a soccer channel which shows a ton of EPL – it’s way down in the 1700s on my dial. I had never been past, like, 1400. Since then, I have been loving it – I haven’t missed a game yet, Suarez has been on fire, and Liverpool is right back in the hunt to return to Europe (that’s inside-y soccer stuff). I am even watching the mid-week highlight shows! Things about EPL that are better than the NBA: One, no instant replay!  Thank Christ!  If the ref fucks up a call, he fucks up a call, and we all live with it. There’s no going back to the replay so that he can re-fuck up the call. He couldn’t get it right the first time – now we are going to trust him to review it and get it right? At the end of a game, when it’s really important? Hell-no-thank-you! How about the other seventy calls he fucked up during the course of the game – 2 points is 2 points, no matter when you score them. Replay in sports is the work of the devil or, maybe, Mark Cuban...Two, tons of foreign dudes with weird names. Liverpool has a guy – not even sure where he’s from, he may be Hollish – named Dirk Kuyt, except it’s pronounced “Cowt,” like “cow” with a “t” on the end...Three, no salary cap. If there were no salary cap in the NBA, Miami would never lose a game because it’s in Miami, they have Dwyane Wade, and the owner, Mickey Arison, like, owns Israel...Four, when you live in South Florida, tons and tons of people love soccer, and they all have a different club they like, and it’s fun to talk about it; for basketball, everyone just likes Miami, and they want to fire Spo every time the Heat lose a game...So I am all in on the EPL.  New feature in this blog, starting next week: From The Top of the Table - Current EPL Standings (A Statistical Analysis)!!! When the basketball lockout is over, I’ll decide whether EPL or the NBA wins out. But for now, I am enjoying my new sport. Cheers!

I’ll be back in a few weeks, or whenever the lockout ends (maybe). Until then, if you need me, I’ll be at Anfield. You’ll never walk alone…

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Summer of 2011, episode 1

Hello, people.  We are in the middle of a lockout, and it is great.  We don't know when the next season will start, or even when the players and owners will start negotiating again.  Several foreign players, along with a couple of American players who don't save their money, have already decided to go play overseas next season to at least get some kind of guaranteed paycheck.  That makes it feel like the lockout is going to last a looong time.  That's sad.  On the positive side, no one has emailed me to complain about Chris Bosh for weeks!...It's time to check in here, just say 'hey,' and give you a little idea of what we think about during lockouts.

6 Thoughts

1) Terrible idea: When it became apparent (via his Twitter feed) that  Mario Chalmers was running a basketball camp.  "Okay, then, when the whistle blows, we'll move on to this next station, where we will practice running aimlessly through a halfcourt defensive possession until we run into the back of someone's hip as they are shooting a 22 foot jump shot with the shot clock going off.  Then, we'll break for some bug juice..."
Even worse idea: When it subsequently became apparent (also via his Twitter feed) that Mario Chalmers had somehow participated in opening a cancer ward of some sort in a Lawrence, Kansas hospital (where he went to college - in Lawrence, Kansas, not in the hospital itself).  "Well, Dr. Chalmers has reviewed your blood work and MRI, and he believes that it is possible that you may have some kind of cancer of some sort, but he's not too sure.  Leave your number, and he'll get back to you..."

2) I mean, if my choice is only between Casey Anthony and Nancy Grace, I'm sorry, maybe I'm a terrible person, but I'm picking Casey Anthony.  For sex.  For anything.  What else is there?

3) Lot of political talk at Dos Minutos International Headquarters this summer.  First, from the right, Republican "candidate" for president, Herman Godfather.  I forgot his real name, hold on, let me look it up...Ahh, yes, Herman Cain.  First thing, of course, the obvious thing - he's a black Republican dude.  People can act mock-offended all they want - "What - I can't be a Republican just because I am black?"  No, no you can't.  That's the first thing.  The second thing: I watched the first Republican presidential debate, mostly as a performance-art piece to torture M.Minutos.  Apparently, Herman Cain was the CEO of something called Godfather's Pizza.  Listen - I've lived in Connecticut, Hawaii, Boston, and Florida - what the fuck is Godfather's Pizza?  I think, maybe, I have vaguely heard of it.  It's like frozen pizza, right?  So I had The Captain do some research.  It is actually a nationwide chain of pizza restaurants which not too many people have ever heard of, and apparently no one goes to, and, in fact, there is one like two miles from Dos M. Int'l HQs, but we didn't even know about it because it is housed within a gas station!  And yet somehow, over the entire ninety minute debate, not one other candidate ever turned to this dude and said, "Excuse me, let me ask you something - what the fuck is Godfather's Pizza?"  That, plus the fact that no one ever would ask Milt - excuse me, Mitt - Romney a question told me all I needed to know about this debate - it was a sham.  These people don't care about the issues - who puts a pizza restaurant in a gas station?

4) Also from the right: The Captain and I realized that, obviously, Republican candidate for president Michelle Bachman definitely should use one of two songs from Canadian supergroup Bachmann Turner Overdrive as her campaign theme.  Either "Taking Care of Business," or "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" would suffice.  Both of those songs have been used in campaigns many times - do you think Bachmann Turner Overdrive was going for that?  Like, "this is great - not only is it catchy, but someday the lyrics are going to be perfect for some wack-a-doo, non-musically-inclined politician to blare a thirty-five year old song as a campaign theme." 

5) If there is any God - next year's starting point guard for the Heat?  Alex Morgan:



There is no way she isn't better than Mike Bibby.  Seriously, omigod- please let Alex Morgan play on the Heat...

6) Finally, a sad, sad day for music fans several weeks ago when long-time Bruce Springsteen saxophonist Clarence Clemons died.  The Big Man lived not too far from Dos M. Int'l HQs, and the day he died, I remembered the time I met him one evening at Swampgrass Willies in Palm Beach Gardens.  It was before M.Minutos and I had kids, and we were out one evening watching a friend of ours play a gig there.  I saw Clarence sitting at a table there with his wife, and I was, like, "Man, I wish I could go say hi to him."  When I was a teenager, I loved Bruce, his music was really important to me, until I got a little older and realized that it was very proletarian to like him, and moved on to musical acts more sufficiently ironic.  I didn't want to go over to Clarence in Swampgrass Willies and try to explain that to him - who wants to hassle someone when he is trying to relax?  But M.Minutos talked me into it, she was, like, You'll always regret it if you don't, blah, blah, blah...so I did.  I walked over, and introduced myself, and told him what a big fan I was (and left out the part where it got douche-y to be a Springsteen fan), and, honestly, he couldn't have been warmer or nicer.  He thanked me, and shook my hand, and said something like, "Yeah - it has always been an honor to play the sax with that guy."  Then I was, like, "Yeah, listen, about that - in all those years playing with Bruce, didn't it ever occur to you to, like, lose the saxophone, and pick up a guitar, and try to get your rocks off?  Not even once?  I mean saxophone?  What the hell kind of instrument is that for a grown-ass man in a rock band?  Jesus..."  And then I leaped on to the stage, ripped the guitar out of my friend's hands, grabbed the mike and screamed, "This is for everyone who plays in a band that rocks," and played a screeching, epic version of Third Eye Blind's "Semi-Charmed Life."  The end.

See you soon, we'll check in later in the summer!

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Mavs 105 Heat 95 Dallas wins championship 4-2

6 Thoughts

1) First of all, all credit where credit is due: The Dallas Mavericks are the champions, and they deserve it in every way.  They were fantastic in the series - they won two games in Miami, which is all you need to know.  Dirk Nowitzki is a fantastic player, and he is always a class act, win or lose; Jason Kidd is an all-time great point guard who is still savvy enough to help win ballgames; Jason Terry is a putz - but he played great; and even Dallas owner, Mark Cuban, whom I love to see lose - but only because he cares so much - deserves this because he is passionate, and he spends the money necessary to compete at the highest level.  This Dallas franchise thought they were the better team in 2006 when Miami denied them a championship.  This year, Dallas is the champion, and I can only imagine that it tastes all the sweeter for the wait.  I am being truly honest when I say that I am happy for them.  Congratulations to the Mavs!  Out of respect to them, and in their honor, for the last time this year: Let's Go!

2) Look, we are mostly going to wrap up the season tonight, but just quickly, on the game: Miami got everything it could have asked for.  As expected, back at home, the free throws flipped back Miami's way - they shot 33 to Dallas' 18.  Tyson Chandler got into early foul trouble - that was predictable in Miami.  More surprising, Nowitzki, for the most part, stunk the joint out, shot only 9-27.  But with everything that went right, a couple of things went very wrong: Miami had already missed 13 free throws a minute into the fourth quarter.  LeBron James found the missing jumper early, scoring a quick 9 points, but then was not quite assertive enough the rest of the night: his 21 points on 9-15 shooting with 6 assists and 4 rebounds was largely offset by his 6 turnovers.  It wasn't the heroic night Miami needed from him.  And besides Nowitzki, Dallas, for the second straight game, spread Miami out defensively and made shots.  They finished 50% from the floor, and Jason Terry was the star of the game, scoring 27 points on 11-16 shots, many of them with LeBron covering him.  Or trying to.  Dwyane Wade was the best player in the series, but Nowitzki and Chandler were probably the second and third best.  And it would be tough to argue that LeBron outplayed Jason Terry in the last couple...

3) Do I have any final thoughts on this whole Wade-LeBron-Bosh-The-Decision-Bump-Gate season?  Yes, yes I do.  In my mind, LeBron and Bosh came here for one reason, and one reason only: to help us win another championship.  And by "us," I mean, of course, "Dwyane Wade, Udonis Haslem, and me."  Anything else is besides the point.  I don't care what the media says, I don't care what the fans of the other teams say, I don't care what the players on the other teams say - none of it really matters on the court.  In retrospect, though it often felt like torture - because every season often feels like torture to me - I enjoyed this season thoroughly because I thought we had a great chance to win the title.  Right up until we didn't.  Everyone else can spend the next however many months killing LeBron, killing Bosh, killing Coach Spo - that's whatever.  Next year, again, I will think we have a great chance to win the title, and we'll see what happens.  The only truly interesting thing I read about LeBron's struggles in this final series (and he was utterly brilliant in the two series before it) came today, in the New York Times, from Dirk Nowitzki (although I don't when he actually said it, and I'll have to paraphrase it).  Dirk was widely seen as gagging away the 2006 championship, and came back the next year, had an even better regular season, then was terrible as the Mavs got beat in the first round by Golden State, in one of the biggest upsets in NBA history - for years he's had the reputation as "too soft," "not clutch," "mentally weak" - everything LeBron is getting now, and will get all offseason.  Dirk, asked about the criticism LeBron has been receiving, said quietly and sympathetically, "Look - I've been getting hammered for 13 years; if we win the championship, at least I'll have one year where I don't."  I love that - people love to make every game, every play, for guys like Dirk and LeBron a constant, ever-shifting referendum on their psyches, their "legacies," their careers.  It's boring - to me, anyways, I guess some people like it.  When the burden of proof is winning a title - and for guys like Dirk and LeBron, it is - there is going to be disappointment more often than there is going to be success.  Dirk is a good example of perseverance for LeBron to follow.  To LeBron, from me: Thank you for entertaining me this season - beating Boston and Chicago so handily was incredibly fun and exciting - and even more so, for giving a chance to win a title.  And the same on both counts to Chris Bosh, Emcee Chalmers (fearless again tonight), and the rest of the crew.  And to Dwyane and UD?  They know - this is how we do - we're back at it next season.  As long as you're here, I'm here; when you're done, I'm done.

4) Okay, okay, okay, enough sadness: it was a great season!  We got to The Finals, could have won, didn't, but we still have a great chance to win next season!  However, we don't know when that will be.  The collective bargaining agreement between the players and the owners runs out before next season, and most informed parties expect a lockout ranging anywhere from "a few games" to "there will never be another professional basketball game played again in any of our natural lifetimes."  So a lot of people are like, "How do you and M.Minutos end a season?  And what do you in the offseason?  And do you have any special plans if there is a lockout?"  First of all, we ended this season like we have ended every season that did not result in a title.  M.Minutos storms out of the room moments before the final buzzer so that she doesn't see the end of the game, and I turn off the television so I don't have to watch the other team celebrate.  I promise you: as happy as I am for them, I will never see Dallas jumping around to celebrate their title!  What series?  Second, I take M.Minutos into the bedroom and make long, languorous love to her.  By mutual agreement, she fantasizes about Dwyane Wade; and I fantasize about, well, also Dwyane Wade.  Then, I don't read the newspaper or the internet or email or text messages for about four days, after which time, the world has moved on to other matters, and so have I.  I perfected this strategy in the late 90s when every season the Heat would get eliminated by the Knicks in excruciating fashion - if I don't hear about it, it's pretty much like it never happened.  As far as the offseason, we usually pick out shows we haven't seen, and then watch the entire series on DVD.  Two offseasons ago, it was The Wire.  Last summer, Dexter.  This offseason, Breaking Bad.  And if the lockout goes on a long, long time?  Well, this may be premature, but I have an agreement in place with The Captain: if he ever becomes the athletic director for Notre Dame football, he will give me a one year contract to coach them for 5 million dollars.  After that one season, if we decide we want to continue the partnership, we do so.  If it doesn't work out, we part ways with no hard feelings.  So I'll probably do some gameplanning for that, hire a staff, etc...I don't know that much about football, so I have a lot to learn...

5) Okay, we don't want to say goodbye for the season down in # 6, so we'll do it here in # 5.  Worst moment of the season?  Well, if we had lost in the finals to Dallas, it probably would have been that - since that never happened, it was definitely the night in Miami when we lost to Portland, at the tail end of a five game losing streak.  Miami had lost four games in a row in excruciatingly ridiculous fashion - bizarre collapses, bad calls, heroic shots by the other team - and came out against Portland and played exceptionally hard and well, Dwyane and LeBron combined for like 70 points, and the Blazers still pasted them.  It was the one time I thought, "Oh, no - maybe we just aren't good enough.  I mean, that's kind of our 'A' game, and they waxed us."  I remember just sitting there, looking at the tv, feeling doubt for the first time...A couple of nights later, Miami beat the Lakers, then Memphis and the Spurs, and I never felt that way again.  Not even in the Dallas series, if it had ever happened.  So that was the worst feeling.  The best feeling?  Everytime I had this conversation by email, text, or in person - it happened a lot, and it was usually about # 6, and it usually went like this: "Remember that time you wrote about --------?"  "No."  "Remember?  You said something like ---- --- ------?"  "Not really, no."  "How can you not remember what you wrote?"  "Oh - because I probably just made it up."  Like, it always makes me feel good when I get a reminder that people read the blog because I don't usually think about it that way - in my mind, it's just for me and M.Minutos.  And 2010 was such a difficult year for me - I was tired, mentally-breaking down, and had to suspend the blog for a while mid-season, while I worked out my troubles in therapy, and elsewhere.  And I remember feeling better at the beginning of 2011, and telling my therapist about the blog, and that it makes me happy.  And he was like, "Well, why don't you start writing it again?"  And I thought about it, and I was so happy and relaxed partially because I was sleeping more, and feeling better about my life, and I remember saying to The Captain, "What if I bring back Dos, and then I hate it, and have to stop it again?"  And he goes, "Who cares?"  And that made me laugh, and I was, like, "Yes, let's write the blog again."  And then when people read it, and even if they only enjoy the basketball parts, which some people do, and even  if they only enjoy the # 6, which some people do, it is still a good feeling.  Not a good feeling - a special, great feeling!  So thank you to everyone out there, even if you only read this one post - it means a lot to me.  And while 2010 was one of my worst personal years, so far 2011 is one my best, and in some small way, everyone who reads Dos Minutos has contributed to that.  At the end of every season, I am always so tired of staying up late to write it, that I always assume that I won't bring it back the next season, but tonight, at least, I feel pretty lucky to have it, and pretty good - so who knows?  This was the greatest four month run of basketball I've ever had: Connecticut won the Big East tournament, then the national tournament; O.Minutos led his team to the 9 year old championship; and the Heat got to within two games of an NBA title - if I don't bring Dos back, I'm worried I'll jinx this run of good fortune.  If we've learned anything this season: Always respect the power of the jinx!

6) I spent 5 hours today on a boat with some friends and 10 nine year olds hopped up on Doritos, fruit rolls ups, and ice cream, shuttling back and forth through the intercoastal to a sandbar called "Beer Can Island."  You do the math.  When I lived up north, I assumed that living in Florida is kind of like being on constant vacation - and, by the way, it is.  I feel totally lucky that in five minutes, I can be at my friend's house, hopping in his boat and jetting out into the Atlantic.  Which raises a question I often get asked by friends who are still up north: When are you going to buy a boat? And the answer is: Never!  And the reason is: I am too lazy!  I am happy - thrilled - to go out on your boat with you, a few times a year.  Just know that as soon as we hit the dock at the end of the day, I am out of there (like LeBron in the fourth quarter of a championship game - ouch!).  I am not staying to help you take stuff off the boat, I am not helping to wash it down with the hose, I am not carrying all the empty beer bottles I drank to the recycling bin - Jesus, I just spent 5 hours out in the hot Florida sun!  I am tired, and I need to go home and take a nap!  Which is exactly what I did today!  Man, I love Florida - the sun, the sea, and friends with boats!!!

Annnd, that's it - that's a wrap on the season!  If you are lucky, I won't bring this blog back whenever the new season starts!  Either way, if you need me until then- I already told you: I'm going in to wake up M.Minutos now TO MAKE LONG, LANGUOROUS LOVE TO HER!!!  And if you do need me, it has to be non-basketball-related.  Because.  I. Am. On. Vacation. Beginning. Right. NOW!!!  SEE YA!

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Mavs 112 Heat 103 Mavs lead series 3-2

6 Thoughts

1) Really?  Dwyane Wade has to get hurt in the fifth game of the NBA Finals?  Really?  That's what has to happen?  He couldn't have got hurt on a Tuesday in December against Minnesota, or a Saturday in February against Detroit?  Really - tonight he had to get hurt?  C'mon, mannn!  It doesn't even feel like a "real" loss, it feels fluky, which I suppose is a silver-lining in an otherwise dreary night...Dallas shot the snot out of the ball (13-19 on threes!), shot a bunch of fourth quarter free throws again, and LeBron couldn't find his jumper...Let's go...back to Miami, thank the Lord!

2) Wade got hurt in the first half on a collision with Brian Cardinal, of all people.  Brian Cardinal shouldn't even be in an NBA Finals game!   What are you doing putting him in there to injure Dwyane Wade, Dallas coach Rick Carlisle - I hate you!!!  Banged up his hip, missed a few minutes, labored through the closing minutes of the first half, then stayed in the locker room for the first 8 minutes of the second half.  Came back out, limping noticeably, with no explosion, with Miami down a handful of points, and still almost willed them to victory!  It would have been an all-timer, for sure.  Finished with 23 points in only 34 minutes, and most tellingly, only 2 rebounds.  Didn't have lift in his legs.  Man, Miami's got home games Sunday and, if they win that one, Tuesday - win two home games, and you're the NBA champions.  If they lose because Dwyane Wade is limited - after playing like a hundred games this year - that is going to be super-aggravating....

3) Biggest exchange of the game: With Miami down 2, and two minutes to go, Wade drove middle, found LeBron cutting baseline, and LeBron elevated and finished while colliding with Tyson Chandler.  At home, that is almost certainly a three point play, or at worst a no call and a basket, and Miami would have been up one or even.  Instead, Joey Crawford called an offensive foul, wiping out the basket, Dallas came down and drilled a triple when Mike Miller inexplicably wandered down the lane trailing a driving Jason Terry, who was not his cover, leaving Jason Kidd alone to set his feet on the perimeter, receive a pass, and drain it.  If that were Dwyane Wade or Dirk Nowitzki, they probably would have been awarded 4 or 5 free throws.  But LeBron - nothing.  Such is life as LeBron...Frustrating for Miami - it couldn't get that one driving LeBron call, the Mavs shot 13 more fourth quarter free throws in this game, and was in the bonus for the last seven and a half minutes - and it was that way for three games in a row in Dallas.  That's not a complaint - that's life on the road in the NBA.  If there is one tangible thing getting back to Miami can do for this team, it is the opportunity to perhaps get more chances to make fourth quarter stops.  It just feels like they can't catch a break right now.

4) Totally heroic: Mario Chalmers.  With Wade in the locker room, and then limping badly, and all Dallas defenders loading up on LeBron James in Dwyane's absence - and LeBron can't locate the stroke from the perimeter - Mario Chalmers came in and played as well as he can play in the first half, allowing Miami to hang around.  Hit another first quarter buzzer-beating 45 footer when Mike Miller, wisely, sought him out for the crazy shot.  As M.Minutos again pointed out, all that time everyone thought Mario was wasting in the gym by flinging half-court runners his entire life has now paid off two games in a row.  Emcee hit 4-6 triples before the break and had 13 points.  On the verge of getting run out of the game a couple of times, Chalmers saved them.  Against all odds, he was Miami's best player in the half.

5) Dirk Nowitzki was great again - broke out with 29 points.  Also, my third favorite boat captain on "Deadliest Catch," the raddest show on tv:


I did not think it was cool when Dirk's brother Edgar bailed on him at the end of Blue Crab season last week, but, in fairness, Dirk sits up in the warm captain's chair the whole time, barking over the loudspeaker at Edgar and the rest of the crew to pull pots faster, while they are down there working in, like, arctic hurricanes.   We'll see how Dirk likes Opilio season without Edgar - I'm guessing he's going to wish he was a little less abrasive, and a little more understanding of Edgar's needs...

6) I got nothing tonight, but I'm in a suprisingly good mood considering Miami just lost a game in the Finals.  Just seemed like fate when Dwyane got hurt - this game wasn't going our way, and even I couldn't jinx it back into a victory.  But since I have nothing to write about, here's what we are going to do: a couple of months ago, someone emailed me a list of the 100 Least Appealing Celebrities, and asked me to comment on it.  I never opened it - I don't even know who wrote the list, but I saved it for a night like tonight.  I am going to pick a random number, riiight now-- okay: 31.  Now, we are going to open it, and see who # 31 is, and see if we like them, or don't like them.  You know, just see where it goes...Okay, hold up a sec while I check the list - I'll copy whatever they say about the person here, then comment below...Wait a second, there are only 20 names on the list, and there are no blurbs - what the hell?   Okay, I'm picking a new number between 1-20, annnnd it is: 5.  And number 5 is: JON PLUS EIGHT GOSSELIN!!!  THIS IS AN OUTRAGE, HOW DARE YOU PLACE JON PLUS EIGHT ON A LIST OF LEAST APPEALING CELEBRITIES, JUST BEHIND THE OCTOMOM, AND JUST IN FRONT OF HEIDI MONTAG, WHOM I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA WHO SHE IS!!!  WHY - JUST BECAUSE HE IS ASIAN, HAS BAD HAIR PLUGS, AND WEARS ED HARDY T-SHIRTS SEVEN YEARS AFTER THEY WENT OUT OF FASHION?  FIRST DWYANE GETS INJURED AND NOW THIS?  THIS IS THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!!!  I HATE THIS LIST!!!

Man, these two teams, they're giving each other a battle.  Miami won Game 1 kinda easy, then there's been 4 straight tight, tight ballgames.  Dallas has won three.  If Dwyane is healthy, I absolutely believe Miami can win two straight back at home - but it's going to be a war.  If you need me before Sunday night, I'll be making my Top 100 List of Lists I Am Never Going To Read Again...Have a good weekend!

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Mavs 86 Heat 83 Series tied 2-2

6 Thoughts

1) Oh - now I understand why Cleveland fans felt like LeBron quit on them last spring in the series against Boston!  What in the name of Delonte was that tonight?  LeBron shuffled through 46 minutes of "action" like it was an October exhibition game against Minnesota.  It wasn't that he only scored 8 points - it was that he only took 11 shots, in an unbelievably passive performance.  Worse, on the other end, he spent the fourth quarter getting torched off the dribble by Jason Terry to the point that Dallas started going at him.  I was already exhausted before the game even started, and whatever little energy I had, LeBron sucked the life out of me over the course of two and a half hours.  Man, LeBron - I can't even give you a "let's go" tonight - I'm just going to move on to # 2.

2) Even with that, Miami still had a chance to win because Dwyane Wade was, again, incredibly good: 32 points and 6 rebounds for Dwyane, along with 2 fourth quarter blocks, including one absurd rejection of a Tyson Chandler dunk attempt that Wade turned into a layup on the other end for a 5 point lead with 7 minutes to go.  Only blemish on his night: a missed free throw with 30 seconds to go that could have tied the game.  He's been the best player in the series, easily.   Unfortunately, Dirk Nowitzki or Tyson Chandler, and not LeBron, has been the second best, in all probability.

3) Tyson Chandler was fantastic tonight.  He is an outstanding defensive player who is effective at deterring drives in the paint.  And he has been all over the offensive boards the past couple of games: he had 9 tonight, and 16 total rebounds for the game.  I think we all knew that Tyson Chandler was good - I don't we all knew that he was this good.

4) These games have all felt oddly similar.  Miami dominates the game physically for long stretches of time, and pushes out to leads over and over.  Tonight they led by 9 a couple of minutes into the fourth quarter.  Then the game slows down, and the Mavs start getting to the free throw line to fight their way back into the game.  It feels like they've been on an endless parade to the line in the second half of fourth quarters in this series; tonight Dallas shot 30 free throws total to Miami's 24, overall.  Especially hurtful are the late loose ball fouls that allow Dallas to score points without Miami getting a chance to get a stop - there was another huge one tonight with two minutes to go - a foul called on Wade 85 feet from the basket that gave Nowitzki two points.  I'm not complaining - this is what often happens on the road in the NBA.  It's why home court means something - refs give you more calls.  But, it doesn't happen every night.  It just seems like one of the these nights, even in Dallas, Miami is going to get the 50-50 calls, including extra possessions down the stretch, and blow the Mavericks off the court.  Annnnnnd, let's hope it's Thursday, 'cause that's the last game in Dallas!

5) Back to LeBron.  He's been passive all series.  How passive?  Dallas got so tired of Dwyane Wade murdering Jason Kidd that they switched defenders - placed Shawn Marion on Wade, and put Kidd on LeBron.  Marion was no better on Wade than Kidd - Dwyane still had his way - but LeBron was matched up against a 38 year old five inches shorter than him, and never seemed to notice, or care, or figure out he could get a quality shot whenever he wanted.  It wasn't like Kidd got physical with him, or out-thought him, or anything.  He just stood roughly near LeBron wherever LeBron happened to set up shop, and...nothing.  He did nothing, because LeBron never did anything.  I spent much of the day explaining to people that Dwyane Wade is the most aggressive player in the league.  He's high risk, high reward.  But he's so good, that the reward, over a large enough sample size, always outweighs the negative plays.  LeBron has a totally different style.   He is conservative by nature - maybe because he is from Ohio!  Tonight, though, he took that to absurd levels.  He took it to a place where he hurt the team.  With the game slipping away down the stretch, he just kind of "let go of the rope," to use a classic Spo-ism.  He never, really, at any point, "got into the fight," to use another!  I suppose it's possible he's just exhausted from the sheer number of minutes he's played in the playoffs.  But that would missed explain "missed shots," more than "no shots."  There's two or three games left in this series - Pat Riley would tell him to "be an active participant in your own rescue!"  Love those Heat cliches - they come in handy when you are trying to rush through a dumb blog post!   I've mostly been on a national media blackout for the past month or so, so I'm not positive what the national LeBron narrative has been, but even locally, LeBron is going to get murdered online and in the press for the next two days.

6) Look, we all know that what Congressman Anthony Weiner did was, perhaps, questionable.  But what I hate to see is how he has been given the shaft by his colleagues in the House of Representatives, especially the Speaker of the House, John Boehner.  Man, I would have liked to see Boehner grab Weiner and straighten him out - I mean, of all people, Boehner should be sensitive to, and touched by, this orgy of bad decision-making.  Sure, I know they are in different parties, and have crossed swords many times over the issues, but Boehner's rigid moral perspective really could help Weiner feel his way through this gaping hole in his judgement.  I mean, yes, Boehner should protect himself, as always, but he's been in inflammatory situations before and always remained erect, and often, his drive has helped stimulate others to-...that's all I've got, I'm exhausted...

Game 5 is Thursday night in Dallas.  The series is tied 2-2, so, you know, it is kind of a big game.  I don't even have a "until then" joke.  I need sleep, and I need LeBron to show up...I gotta believe he can - and just to inspire him: Let's Go!!!

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