I told those guys not to fuck around down in that mine…Anyways, so someone last week was like, "Hey, where have you been, you promised you were going to write weekly posts until the season started,” and I was, like, “Hey, I was down at a wedding in Key West attended by some Dos Minutos readers that I actually like – oh, sorry you weren’t invited…” I know - you're feeling pretty bad now. Get this: tonight, I had dinner with another Dos Minutos reader, and our favorite international friend, Scott from Scotland. And you weren't invited again...But you know what? Let's squash all that nonsense. The season starts next Tuesday – it is almost time to do this. Got to get our minds right, get our acts together, feel this! Therefore, without no further ado, here are our first six thoughts of the year - with a "special announcement/tribute to Plumber" down in #6:
6 Thoughts
1)What is up with all the injuries? Wade strained his hamstring, like, three seconds into the preseason. Emcee Chalmers has nursed a bad ankle all training camp. Eddie House has been out all training camp. LeBron missed a couple of games with a tight hamstring of his own – I think he’s okay now, since he scored 33 points in, like, 9 minutes last night. But now Mike Miller sprained his ankle. It’s a little frustrating. Does it matter? Probably not. Maybe they start a little slower, win a couple less games – as long as they are healthy come spring, it won’t matter at all. But it is annoying.
2) Plumber raises a good question: “Why don’t you watch preseason games?” Answer: “Because they are incredibly boring.”
3) Okay, a lot of people have asked where our ‘Season Preview’ is. Last year, we had a bunch of different Dos readers offer up opinions on the season – this year, we are skipping that, and not only because most of their opinions were more accurate than mine. With the LeBron hoopla and whatnot, there doesn’t even feel like there has been an off-season this year – it’s just been constant basketball, and a nationwide ‘Season Preview’ has been perpetually in progress for the past four months. I mean, ESPN.com now has an entire section of their NBA page dedicated only to the Heat. For those keeping score at home: that’s one section for the Heat, and one section for the other 29 teams combined. I don’t think the world needs another comprehensive season preview about Miami . They have Wade, LeBron, and Bosh – they are probably pretty good. Here is our very abbreviated season analysis:
East playoff teams, in order of finish: Miami, Orlando, Boston , Chicago, Milwaukee, Atlanta, Charlotte, and New York .
By the way, Charlotte and New York are both pretty terrible, but so is everybody else in the conference. I am going with those two because Charlotte defends hard every night, and New York has Amare Stoudamire, who, according to him, discovered and embraced his Hebrew roots this summer, which is always a huge plus in my book. Miami wins the East, plays the Lakers in the Finals. Lakers are the biggest and most physical team, and reigning back-to-back champs; Heat are the most skilled team. I am going Heat in 6 – you know hard it is to win three titles in a row?
That was easy – why does ESPN need a whole section to do that?
4) Just in from the northern-most Dos Minutos office, located in Lake Minnetonka, Minnesota: The Beas Report! 6 preseason games, 21 minutes a game, 13.5 points on 41% shooting, 3.5 rebounds. Ehhhh. Wait – there is more: 4 assists, total, and 22 turnovers! Twenty-two turnovers! That has to be a misprint, right? What in the hell is he doing? That is unconscious – what is he, high?...Okay, don’t answer that...
5) Speaking of high, someone wrote in to ask if we are going to mention the arrest and subsequent dismissal of the drug possession charges of #1 all-time favorite Dos player Udonis Haslem over the summer. Mentioned…Case was dismissed, what’s your problem, Dude-Who-Asked-That-Question? The sticky wasn’t his, it was his passenger’s. Man - who would have believed the po-lice would have fucked that up? Incroyable!...By the way, no verification yet on whether the passenger was or was not Miami-area (specifically US1 in Coral Gables) rapper Dirt Bomb. Listen – just don’t start my season by getting on Udonis’ case. I’ll shut this dumb blog down…
6) Okay, "big announcement/tribute to Plumber:" We will be watching this season in Casa Dos on a new tv! Longtime readers of Dos Minutos may remember the early fall week in 2006, later known as The Week Dos Came Closest to Getting Divorced (second place: every other week of my marriage). To briefly recap for newer readers: M.Minutos was jonesing a new flat panel tv to replace our archaic 6,500 pound full tube set. I believe it was a Trinitron. The expenditure was approved through appropriate channels, conditional upon the new picture being equal to, or better than, the old tv. Throughout the course of the week, M.Minutos shuttled somewhere between four and eleven flat panel televisions in and out of Casa Dos, each one swiftly and summarily rejected (generally in about 90 seconds) by Dos as possessing inferior picture quality to our existing television. By the way, before you get all, "Oh, that's so rude that M.Minutos had to be the one going back and forth to Best Buy," let me point out two things: one, she wanted the new tv; two, it is only about three miles from our house to Best Buy, so she wasn't even driving that far...In the end, we kept the old tv…Flash forward to a month ago, when said existing tv finally expired. Good friend of the blog Plumber had recently purchased a new tv of his own. Plumber is many things, but one strength he consistently demonstrates is a rational, detailed, and methodical approach to solving problems. For his own purchase, he assured me, he had done all the research, learned everything there was to know about the current batch of televisions, and selected a giant 60, or 70, or 80 inch – I forget exactly what – plasma tv for his new family room. Based on his research, and his analysis of my viewing habits and area, he recommended a slightly smaller plasma tv for me. He assured me that plasma was the best technology for sports, action movies, and Lifetime Network’s smash hit Gay, Straight, or Single. One thing I knew: if Plumber recommended it for me, I could rest assured that he was right. So what did I do? Went right out and bought a large LCD tv! Why? Just to be contrary! Why else? That tv only lasted one night, though – plugged it in, and watched an episode of the outstanding George Lopez Show (the sitcom, not the talk show which, obviously, stinks). The LCD picture was so vivid that Lopez actually looked like he was standing in the Casa family room; however, when he suddenly strode across his kitchen in one scene, probably to smack his annoying, whiny teenage daughter, his giant head left an electronic trail the approximate size of the Grand Canyon on my tv screen. With M.Minutos suddenly suffering severe ’06 flashbacks, the tv was instantly declared unsuitable for watching. Desperate, with nowhere to turn, I had to seize on Plumber’s advice and buy a plasma, which I did the subsequent night…So – kudos to you, Plumber, you were right. Since we are entering Nets season, it is unlikely I will be able to say those words to you again until late May…By the way, the new plasma was instantly good, and got even better when M.Minutos suddenly realized that to maximize viewing pleasure, you actually have to watch the separate channels designated for HD…ohhhhhhhh – much better!...This story may not have been funny, but for those of you wondering how life is in Casa Dos – that’s how it is!
See you on Tuesday night for the season opener!!!
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