6 Thoughts
1) That was one of the best, most thrilling sporting events I've seen in years. What? No, no the Heat-Celtics game - I mean the Champions League semifinal that I watched right before it, with Chelsea holding off Messi and Barcelona to go through to the final. The Heat-Celtics game was an abomination! None of the Heat's top guys played, only Paul Pierce played for the Celtics (and only for 18 minutes). It was super-bad, and pretty dull. Believe me: you don't really need to know anything about this game, your life isn't going to be any poorer for not knowing much about it. Let's quickly zip through a couple of the lowlights, talk about Chris Bosh's namesake pears in #5, and play "Who is the Bigger Racist?" down in #6. One more game left after tonight, then bring on the New York Knicks! Let's Go!
2) Miami turned the ball over a mind-boggling 11 times in the first quarter alone, yet led at the end of the quarter 17-10 because Boston did not score for the first 6:15 of the game. The score was 34-28 Heat at halftime.
3) Miami shot one free throw in the entire first half, and it was on an illegal defense technical foul against Boston. They didn't shoot any more free throws until there were 6 minutes to go in the entire game! Impressive!
4) I don't care what Coach Spo and KJ James say after this game: I don't think we got better today.
5) Okay, that's enough with that game..So P.Minutos and I were in the market over the weekend. Is anyone here a big fan of pears? I am not. I like the flavor, but not a huge fan of the texture – too mealy. However, for the last couple of weeks I have been eating an occasional pear or two, just to change things up. As one would expect, I buy green pears. Why? Because that is what any normal person would do…But when P.Minutos and I were in the produce section, I noticed that there were brown pears right next to the green pairs. Not only that, the name of the brown pears was pretty much “Bosh” pears. The spelling there might be off a little, but I am pretty sure they are named after Chris Bosh. Bosh pears? Yes, of course, I want those! They are brown, like Bosh, and they are going to have a subtle, smooth taste, not at all overpowering, although, ultimately, they may leave you wanting just a little bit more. Anyways, we acquired some Bosh pears, brought them home, and put them in the fruit basket. Later that night, M.Minutos was all over a Bosh pear, munching it down like Bosh munched down rebounds in his last two games before he went over his quota. I’m like, “Oh, you really love those Bosh pears, don’t you,” and she was, like, “Yes – finally you got some normal pears, instead of those crazy green ones,” which led to a big argument about what type of pear is normal. As I pointed out to her, she’s from Wisconsin, how would she possibly know what constitutes “normal,” which she would not concede, but which she knows, even now as she reads this, is entirely accurate. At work the next day, I was telling The Captain about The Pear Incident, and he was, like, “Brown pears are normal to her – what in the hell is wrong with her,” and I was like, “Well, she’s from Wisconsin, and she says that brown pears are the normal pear there.” As The Captain pointed out, “Good reason to leave.” Bosh pears, I mean, come on. What’s next? Chalmers Pot Pie?
6) This is a segment called “Who is the Bigger Racist?” As you know, M.Minutos is a lovely, charismatic young(ish) black woman, and I am a dorky white dude. Often, we try to see who can out-racist the other person. You be the judge on this one. We were watching “Madmen” the other night- “Mad Men?” Not too sure how you construct that title. Part of the episode centered around the Howard Johnson motel and restaurant chain, the very lovely and homey luxury establishments that you can find all over this great country of ours. Someone on the show mentioned that the house specialty at HoJo’s is fried clams and orange sherbet. In the recesses of my mind, I was, like, “Yeah, I’ve been there and had fried clams,” and I pointed this out to M.Minutos, who looked at me like I had gone insane. And I was, like, “Yeah, I think my dad used to take me there when I was a little kid, or maybe my grandmother, and we’d get fried clams,” and she was, like, “You would eat fried clams at a Howard Johnson’s,” and I was like, “I guess, sure,” and she was like, “Only white people would ever do that. White people are crazy.” Okay –fine. White people are crazy. Crazy like a fox, because Howard Johnson’s fried clams are delicious, at least in my memory. A short while later, after Madmen had ended, we were watching this stupid show called “Shark Tank.” It is a show where entrepreneurs come on to try to get rich dudes to invest in their business ideas – one of the sharks is Mark Cuban and, unbelievably, he’s the least creepy guy on the show, if that gives you any indication of how unpleasant the people come across. Anyways, one guy comes on to pitch a perfume he has made – it smells like newly printed money, and its name, appropriately, is “Money.” And none of the investors really wanted to buy it, except for this one little unpleasant poorly dressed black dude, who, not coincidentally I think, invented the FUBU line of clothing. The few times I have seen the show, that dude has never invested in anything – but he was all over this money scent, wanted to buy 80% of company (which the inventor stupidly turned down). I was, like, “I don’t know, M – that dude should have taken the FUBU dude’s offer. If anyone is going to buy a perfume that smells like money, it’s going to be the same clientle who would buy FUBU.” And she was, like, “What do you mean, black people?” And I just shrugged. I mean, I wouldn’t buy it…So, you be the judge: who is more racist? Trick question: “race + power = racism”(according to Kevin Powell, circa 1991), and in my household M.Minutos has all the power. Therefore, she is the racist. Thanks for playing.
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Last game of the regular season is Thursday against Washington, and I'm sure no one will be playing in that one, either. We'll try to prepare some year end awards for that night. If you need me before then, I'll be working on a new recipe for Battier Teriyaki. See you Thursday!
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