1) Ummm, what seed do we have to finish to play Charlotte in the first round? This was an awful, meaningless game against an awful, meaningless team. There are exactly two weeks left in the season - 8 games - and none of them will have any meaning for Miami. It's Friday night, let's roll through this quick and get on to the parties!
2) How bad is Charlotte? Historically bad. They are 7-51. If they don't win another game - and it's hard to see how they could - they will finish with the worst record in NBA history. They don't have even one average NBA starter on their roster. They aren't even a professional basketball franchise, not really. Their coach, Paul Silas, sometimes lets his son, Stephen, coach the team, just for fun (that's not a joke, by the way). Their general manager, Rod Higgins, signed his son Cory to play for the team, even though he isn't an NBA-level player. Maybe that doesn't quite illustrate how bad they are. Try this: Joel Anthony and Dexter Pittman combined for 26 points on 10-16 shooting! Now you feel me? Who is the genius who put this group together? Ummmm:
Hey, who is that old dude in the train engineer's cap sitting with Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton? "Sir, do you think this train is going to be on time? I have tickets to the Dave Matthews-Tim Reynolds show in Charlottesville tonight." Man, oh man. Nobody - I mean nobody - stays cool forever...
3) Finally someone - and by "someone," I mean "my dad, Pat Riley" - got to Coach Spo and made him rest guys. Tonight Dwyane Wade, Mike Mil-lar, UD Haslem (Hubie-ism), and Ronny Turiaf were all held out. Even still, Spo wouldn't let go of the rope. He called their absences "preventative maintenance!" Spo, it's okay, you can rest guys. It's totally allowed. Lighten up, dude, you're young. I mean, kind of. Enjoy life a little. "Preventative maintenance," goodness gracious...
4) Play of the game: tie. Both involved Bobcats dorky big man BJ Mullens. In the first quarter he caught the ball twenty feet from the basket with Chris Bosh pushed up on him. After holding the ball for about 8 seconds, he decided to try to "rip move" Bosh. Which means hold the ball low, then swing it up through the defender's arms, fling the ball anywhere, and draw a foul. The only flaw in Mullens' plan was that Bosh didn't have his arms extended - statues can't change arm position - and as Mullens started his rip move he had nothing to come up through, so he just extended the ball into Bosh's lower-midriff where it kind of stuck, and then Bosh politely plucked it away from him. Sweet move by Mullens. In the fourth quarter, he set a screen for Charlotte rookie, and Connecticut NCAA champion, Kemba Walker, rolled to the right elbow, received a nice slip pass from Walker, sighted the basket, then fired a laser pass to Bobcat teammate Derrick Brown, who was running to the basket to rebound, never looked for a pass, and the ball ricocheted off the side of his head and went towards the basket with good pace, but alas, wide. #AndyCarroll
5) Mario "Emcee" Chalmers' Five Greatest Rappers of All-Time: 5) Busta Rhymes; 4) Chris Brown; 3) Tupac; 2) "That Black Eyed Peas Girl;" 1) Chingy
6) I need a "go-to" drink. Something that I can comfortably order, and maybe even enjoy, when I am in a bar-like social situation. The "comfortably ordering" part far outweighs actually enjoying the drink, by the way - that's how I roll. Peer pressure. So, like, I'm an aging, white hipster doofus: what am I supposed to order at a bar? I want to seem at least somewhat manly (to whatever degree possible). Suggestions today at Dos M. Int'l HQs consisted of a "Rusty Nail" (drambuie and something), and grapefruit and vodka, which had some lame name like a "Misty Sea Breeze," or something equally un-orderable for a dude. That's the whole point - I already look like a dork, I can't go to the bar and order a "Rusty Nail," or a "Purple Parrott," or anything like that. They will laugh me right out of there. Oh, someone also suggested a "Cuba Libre," which is just a rum-and-coke (even I know that), and they suggested I order it every time saying "Cuba" like "coo-ba." Cuz that's going to go over huge in Miami - dude, do you know how much trouble Ozzie Guillen has been in the last few days?...A couple of weeks ago, I was eating raw oysters and I ordered a martini because it was the oyster bar's happy hour special, which was pretty awesome until I remembered that a martini tastes like turpentine, and I had to choke it down while pretending I enjoyed it. Oh, and by the way, beer gives me a "stomach virus," like UD had last night, and these days I'm just drinking to forget my white man's angst anyways - just get it in me quick, I don't have time to drink three beers to feel loose. When GFOB Plumber was down in Miami for a recent visit, he was stunned when we went to the bar at the Winter Haven and I ordered a mojito: "I'd read you order them in the blog, but I thought you were joking." You know who could totally drink grapefruit and vodka? Dwyane Wade. He's cool - he could be like, "it's crisp and refreshing," whereas people will just think I am twerpy. You know Bosh drinks Appletinis. Anyways, if you have a suggestion for a "go-to" drink for me, send it in...
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Next game is on Sunday in New York against the Knicks. Big, big game...for the Knicks. Not so much for us, totally meaningless. Ahhh, well. If you need me before then, i'll be right thurr...
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