6 Thoughts
1) The Heat just lost to the 1-13 Wizards. Watching that was like throwing up on yourself, then having to sit there in it for 2 hours, and then in the fourth quarter, right at the end, the throw up physically attacks you! Yechhh! I wouldn't even say the Wizards played that well - Miami was terrible. They've been terrible for weeks - they were riding one of the softest 6 game win streaks ever - the only real good team in the bunch was the Spurs, and they didn't play their top five guys! What does it mean? Honestly, nothing. It's December. But let's quickly recount the awfulness - surprisingly, we have a few complaints - and then bounce. I have a University of Connecticut game to watch! We aren't letting it fly, though. No letting it fly after losses. Mike Mil-lar wouldn't want that, he's all about the team, not selling energy drinks. Okay, maybe a little about selling energy drinks...
2) KJ James was excruciatingly bad. Yet, he somehow had a triple double: 26 points, 13 rebounds, 11 assists, 3 steals and 2 blocks. But he played with all the energy of Joe Johnson (zzzzzzz...), missed two triples and a pair of free throws in the last couple of minutes, and seemed aggravated all night. Best guess as to the source of his aggravation: Rashard Lewis! He's starting in place of Shane Battier, who should be returning soon (and thank God - this team could use a professional defender right now; really, they could just use an adult). Lewis only played 15 minutes, and he only took one shot, mostly because he only touched the ball one time. He also set a season high for "most times jumping in a game," with 1, when he hopped up over two Wizards and tapped an offensive rebound back out to the perimeter. But, man, he might be the worst defensive player I've ever seen. Somehow he is constantly standing directly under the basket on defense. It's, like, if Rashard Lewis ever turned up missing, if you ever saw his face on a milk carton, if his wife ever filed a missing persons report on him, trust me: just look in the Heat's restricted area directly under the rim. I don't know why he goes there, it's not even a good spot to go. Generally what happens is that someone on the Heat gets beaten off the dribble because they are half-assing it, and expecting help, and the help is Rashard Lewis standing directly under the net, and then the dude dribbles in, lays it in the basket, and Rashard Lewis kind of puts his forearms out to ward the guy off so he doesn't smash into his face, If you aren't going to be a deterrent anyways, it would be better to just stand out of bounds so that the guy doesn't run into you and the ball doesn't drop on to your head. In the third quarter there was one series of Wizards hoops at the rim where Lewis had help responsibilities and never moved, and after the last one, KJ stormed away from him frustratedly. To me, Lewis is unplayable - he's not an NBA level player right now. Which wouldn't be such a problem if...
3) ...Udonis Haslem were an NBA level player right now. But he's not either. He has a different defensive approach than Lewis - he sort of scrambles around inside until the ball enters, and then he fouls as hard as he can. Equally ineffective, though. And he misses open 14 footers. And he misses open 14 footers. And he misses open 14 footers. And he misses open 14 footers. He had one 40 second stretch in the first quarter where he fouled a dude on a layup, then didn't get up the lane in time to stop another layup, then rolled to the hoop and dropped a perfect pass from KJ which triggered a runout the other way, then ran back and caught up just in time to foul the Wizard who was trying to put back the initial miss in transition. He is awful right now. I love him as a player and a person, but he's actually beyond awful. To me, he's also unplayable, he's not an NBA level player. God only knows why Spo won't play Joel Anthony ahead of these two dudes. He's a far better defender; he's 100 times better finishing in traffic - at least he can jump and dunk; and, sadly, I think he has better hands than UD now. He also won't shoot 14 footers - UD doesn't seem to know to stop. It doesn't make any sense not to play him at this point. Or Jorts! Where is Jorts?
4) While we are complaining, let's get it all out. Can somebody please throw Chris Bosh the ball? I feel like he's not even on the team any more. He had 20 points on 8-11, and also added 4 dimes. Why is he not touching the ball more? Just throw him the ball and let him take dudes apart. NO ONE CAN GUARD HIM. Also made another three pointer! That's 3! Only 48 more to go over 50 and make my prediction reality! Let it fly, Chris Bosh! Only you, and no one else!
5) More complaining. This is some anniversary year for the Heat, I'm not even sure what, I don't pay that much attention. Let me ask M.Minutos, she'll know...She knew, it's the 25th anniversary, their 25th season. So they keep showing "great" moments from the past, and invariably some of them feature Rony Seikaly, Sherman Douglas, or the tiresome, tiresome "Take Charge Man," Grant Long (like that isn't the worst nickname of all-time - he took a lot of charges, get it?). A game or two ago, we honored Sherman Douglas, who played like two seasons for Miami. Listen: it's not a proud history. Let's just all agree that Miami Heat history starts with Dwyane Wade's arrival like 10 seasons ago. If you want to reference the Zo and Tim years a bit, okay, I guess we can live with that, but just remember that those years were excruciatingly painful, nothing good whatsoever ever came out of any of those seasons, we'd play hard, win 58 games, and then get embarrassed by the Knicks in the playoffs after they won 12 games in the regular season. Good times! No more Kevin Edwards, no more Rory Sparrow, no more John Shasky. It's over, no more of that stuff. If we have to be like the Hornets or the Nets and move to, like, Naples to pretend we are a different team and escape our atrocious history, so be it, I'm in on that. I mean, those early teams were coached by Ron Rothstein and Tony Fiorentino, it'd be tough to even prove we were trying to win games...
6) Best possible name for the royal baby, if it is a boy: Gaston. Worst possible name for the royal baby, if it is a boy: Lucifer. If it is a girl, no one cares, name it whatever you want.
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Okay, next game is Thursday against the New York Knicks. It is the first interesting game on the schedule in a while. Sadly, the only really interesting regular season games for Miami are the Knicks (because we hate them); the Lakers (ditto); the Celtics (quadruple ditto - infinity ditto!); and OKC (because they are good, and Russell Westbrook is reprehensible). Beyond that, mehhh - wake me up when the playoffs start! If you need me before then, I'll be hacking into Heat.com to erase Grant Long's single-season charges drawn record off the books. See you Thursday, Anglophiles!
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